


Where is my mind?

by girlygirlgamer



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Comedy, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-13 13:15:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 235,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4523475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlygirlgamer/pseuds/girlygirlgamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky finds his way back home and is trying to pick up the pieces of his life and mind. Can someone with a life almost as broken pick up the pieces with him? Rated T for now-M in later chapters</p><p>T for now, M in certain chapters. Will toss up a warning in the chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Calls to home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer-I do not own Marvel, Captain America or anything related to it....don't we all wish. I am not a nurse in real life or on TV. All my nursing knowledge comes from the Internet, TV and the people in my life who opted for the job.
> 
> Set after Avengers-Age of Ultron. Bucky finds his way back home and is trying to pick up the pieces of his life and mind. Can someone with a life almost as broken pick up the pieces with him? Rated T for now-M in later chapters
> 
> MCU timeline-So Winter Solider takes place two years after the 1st Avengers and it's a bit unclear how long after that Age of Ultron takes place after that so I'm going to guess Age takes about a year after Winter Soldier. Guessing Ant Man takes place about a month after that. Spoilers for Ant Man. I've also taken bits from the Ed Brubaker Winter Solider run for Bucky's history. 
> 
> *anything in italics is a thought or memory*

_He was trapped...pinned under the metal beam from the ceiling. He couldn't get his left arm under it to lift if off him and his right shoulder was dislocated. So this is how he would die. Pinned and burned to death as the carrier was on fire. The Mission came down and looked at him. Let him make it a quick death, thought the Asset. One bullet to the head. He would have done it himself if he could have reached his gun._

_Without a word the Mission who was bleeding from the four gun shot wounds started lifting the beam off him. The Asset looked at him confused, but crawled out from under the beam. This Mission was proving harder than most. He wouldn't die for starters and he kept talking to the Asset as if he knew him. No one knows me...I am the Winter Soldier, The Asset, The Fist of Hydra...and the Mission must be finished._

_“You know me,” said the Mission. Something was rising to the surface in his head, an image old and distorted of the Mission, he looked younger and weak compared to the person in front of him._

_“No I don't!” screamed the Asset and he punched him in the face with the metal arm. Was it always metal...no...yes...it had been there since he could remember._

_“Bucky...you've known me your whole life,” said the Mission. His whole life. His whole life had been death, pain, missions...he had not known this man ever. The Asset rose up and punched the Mission again and the carrier lurched forward sending them downward._

_“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes,” said the Mission. Something else came to his mind a young woman with blue eyes and dark hair looking at him. “You better come home James Buchanan Barnes or so help me.” He hugged her and promised to write her the second he got to London, she promised to send him socks and cigarettes and he never saw her again._

_“SHUT UP!!” His brain hurt more than his body and he just wanted it to stop. The Mission got up and pulled off his helmet and he could see the skinny boy again and he had a bloody nose. Damn it why can't you walk away from a fight just once rose in his mind without thought._

_“I'm not going to fight you.” He dropped his shield and it fell out of the carrier. “You're my friend.” The Asset lunged at him and knocked him the ground._

_“You're my mission!” He kept punching and screaming and images swam in his head. The girl again, shaking her head and tending to the boy with bloody nose and tending to him and his sore hands. Telling them that they were both the stupidest people she knew. He could see himself in a brown uniform telling the girl to look after Steve and her nodding agreement. Him with the boy and they cheered on some sort of game._

_This will end when he's dead!_

_“Than finish it.” The Asset paused. Years of killing and not once did someone ask for their death. Begging, pleading, and bargaining. Never an acceptance of the end. “Because I'm with you till the end of the line.”_

_He could see it clearly in his mind...the skinny boy again, his mother was gone. He was trying to convince the boy to stay with him. We'll put the sofa cushions on the floor like when we we're kids. Yeah Rebecca will love that countered the skinny boy. He told the boy he was going to be with him till the end of the line. The Asset looked at him and could see he did know this person once. They were fighters, they had fought a war together...had been...friends. Another beam came down and the floor gave away, He managed to hold on, but the Mission...no Steve fell and into the water._

_Let him die and it will all be over with. He couldn't though, he jumped in after him and pulled him to shore. He made sure Steve was breathing before walking away. They were even. He wasn't his friend. He had tried to kill his friend. He had killed so m_ any _people and he didn't deserve anything further from him._

Brooklyn, New York

2015

He was having trouble moving his left arm and he could hear it grinding a bit. Sometimes it gave him little shocks into his side and he winced. It had been months since it had maintenance done and he couldn't figure out all that needed to be done with it.  Bucky rubbed it through his sweatshirt and sat up.  Others around him were starting to wake up and get a move on for the day. Be it heading to another spot they had during the day or to see if they could get a spot at a shelter for tonight. He didn't trust shelters, too many eyes and too enclosed for him. It was okay out here, spring was coming and at least he wouldn't freeze. He had spent the winter out west looking for something he wasn't even sure of. He slept in the woods or in cabins that he could break in too. Sometimes he would go into a town and blend in with the other homeless people. Memories kept coming back in waves and he wasn't sure where he was supposed to go now.

He went back to The Vault after his failed mission. _Did I fail...he was my friend_. He expected punishment for his failure. _Let them end it. I'm so tired of it._ Only to find it was in disarray and no one was there. Bucky spent the night there waiting for someone to come for him. _They always come for me_. No one did-no Handlers, Medical staff or Tact team. He managed to pop his right arm back into place and not pass out from the pain. He found some clothes in a locker and changed into jeans, a hooded sweatshirt and ball cap. Bucky looked at his left arm and opened up a panel. Something in him remembered the homing chip. _Is that how they found me last time...wait what last time_. He pulled the chip out and crushed it. He didn't want to be found anymore. _Your punishment when they do find you this time is going to be horrible. I don't care anymore_. Before he left The Vault he destroyed the chair where they wiped him after each mission. The memories are punishment enough. _The dark haired girl again crying and pleading with him to not enlist. She would be alone was her argument. She wouldn't be alone she would have Steve he promised her. Telling Steve after the third failed attempt that maybe this was for the best, someone needed to keep her out of trouble. Steve left her too and she had been all alone. God I'm so sorry._

He was sure people were looking for him, be it Hydra or maybe his last mission _Steve_. He didn't want to be found though and he needed to disappear. Before he left D.C he went to the Smithsonian, he saw an ad in the paper about the Captain America exhibit and had to see it. There he was, a memorial to him-they called him a hero and best friend to Steve Rogers. _What a laugh. I almost killed him. Damn my head_. He disappeared into the crowd after that and didn't look back.

He felt pulled to come to New York and for some reason he needed to be in this neighborhood. _Was this home once...it looks so different, smells different, the sounds too. It's all different now_. He had just gotten into the city last night and had a few fitful hours of sleep before dawn.

A blue van pulled up and he faded into the shadows. Others were happy to see the van and started heading for it. The man next to him pulled himself up and grinned.

“Mmmm Mondays. You best get up before all the good ones are gone.” He got up and headed for the van too. Bucky looked at as two women got out. One was an older, tall black woman with her graying hair in a long braid and the other was a younger white woman with brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. The group swarmed, but kept their distant as the two set up a table with cups, a drink dispenser and a large basket.

 _Aid workers_ , thought Bucky dully. He had been on the streets long enough to recognize the type. They meant well and could always be counted on for something he needed with no questions. He was just too tired though to get up and take what they were offering. He should get up though and see about getting a safe location set up. Bucky went to gather his things when he heard a voice above him.

“Are you hungry? It's free, no questions asked.” He looked up and the younger woman with the brown hair was standing there holding a coffee and pastry in a wrapper. She knelt down and sat the food in front of him. She gave him a small smile and fished out some cream and sugar packets from her coat pocket. She looked over her shoulder and gave a small wave to the woman at the table. Bucky noticed she was positioning herself where the older woman could see her.

“Paulie said you were new here. Breakfast and coffee are every Monday okay,” she looked a little closer at him and Bucky could feel himself getting tense looking into her dark green eyes. _She had light green eyes and blonde hair in a bun. She told him that it would be better if he didn't fight back. She brought him water and something for the pain._ She was studying him intently and he felt dread creep in. Did she recognize him, was she with Hydra? Without thinking his right hand went to his left arm and rubbed it.

“Are you hurt? You keep rubbing your arm. I'm a nurse. My name is Alison, what's yours?” He took the coffee and refused to look at her. She sighed and fished around in a bag. He noticed she was wearing some odd sort of necklace. _Dog tags and a ring_. She pulled out a card and pen out of the bag.

“I'm out here only on Monday mornings. But if it gets really bad for you, you can go to the shelter and ask them to call me. Just show them the card okay.” She wrote on the back of the card and sat it on the unopened package that had a danish. She gave him another small smile before walking away. He took the danish and looked at the card. St Mark's Parish. It had the address on it a few blocks from here. He flipped it over and on the back in loopy scrawl was the name Alison Conley.

Bucky shoved it into his pocket and started eating the danish. It wasn't too bad, a little stale and the coffee was decent after he poured the little creamer cups in. That was something he missed during the war...decent, hot coffee. The others started coming back around with their coffee and snacks and one of guys gave him a look.

“So how did you manage to get the hot one over here?” Bucky didn't say anything and one of the other guys laughed and made a rather crude joke about the brunette.

“Show a little respect for a lady,” growled Bucky. He gathered up his things and made his way out of the alley. _Always respect a lady_ , said some voice in the back of his head. He wished he could remember who's voice it was. It sounded like the person he used to be.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Alison was handing Paulie his coffee and package of chocolate donuts when she noticed the man pressed against the wall. That was the first indication something was off. No one in this area ever passed up free food. He leaned on the wall, gave a quick look over before rubbing his arm and looking away.

“New guy?” asked Alison as Paulie started dumping sugar in his coffee.

“Yeah. Came in last night. He’s weird,” said Paulie.

“Why’s that?” she asked handing someone else a coffee and a muffin.

“Talks in sleep and it’s not English. Sounded like rocks in a grinder,” said Paulie. _Well that narrows it down to a lot of different languages_ , thought Alison.

“Spanish?” asked Alison hopefully and Paulie rolled his eyes.

“I know Spanish. It wasn’t Spanish. What do I look like a Rosetta Stone?” asked Paulie. Alison slipped him another package of donuts.

“Be nice or I’ll make sure you never get chocolate donuts again,” said Alison.

“Don’t listen to her Paulie she’s too soft for her own good,” said Sarah with a wink. He nodded and went on his way for the day. Alison looked back over and saw the guy wasn’t getting up and was moving oddly. She poured a cup, grabbed a danish and her little bag that had a few first aid basics before leaving the table.

“Where are you going?” asked Sarah.

“Five minutes,” said Alison ignoring Sarah’s glare. He seemed focused on gathering up what he had and didn’t notice her until she spoke.

“Are you hungry? It's free, no questions asked.”  He looked up startled before quickly looking back down and she bent down so they were at eye level and sat the food down. She stayed where Sarah could see her and gave a little wave to let her know everything was fine. He wouldn’t look her in the eyes and all she could really make out was a very bearded face with long matted dark hair.

“Paulie said you were new here. Breakfast and coffee are every Monday okay.”  He did look up for a moment and his blue eyes looked panicked. She was trying to see if there was anything visibly wrong when he rubbed his left arm again. _Bingo_ ,thought Alison.

“Are you hurt? You keep rubbing your arm. I'm a nurse. My name is Alison, what's yours?” He took the coffee and went back to looking at the ground. _Okay. We'll do it your way._ She pulled a pen and a parish card out of her bag.

“I'm out here only on Monday mornings. But if it gets really bad for you, you can go to the shelter and ask them to call me. Just show them the card okay,” she said it slowly and in a tone one would use with a scared kid. He didn’t look up so she headed back to the table. When she got back he had taken the danish and was sipping the coffee.

“I would smack you like you were one of mine, but I’m worried it would knock any sense you had out,” said Sarah pouring her last cup of coffee.

“Grandpa always said I had no sense,” said Alison. She watched the man get up and walk away.

“Clearly.” When they were finished putting things back in the van Sarah got behind the driver’s seat and rolled her eyes at Alison as they drove off.

“You know he could have been dangerous and you put yourself in a position you didn’t need to be in. If they don’t come to us, we can’t go to them. It’s a safety thing,” scolded Sarah. She had been working at shelters since before Alison was a thought and had lost a friend a few years ago after he got between an ex husband and his wife on the street in front of the shelter instead of calling and waiting for the police as he had been told to do.

“I don’t think he knew he could come to us,” said Alison sipping her now cold coffee and Sarah sighed.

“I know you mean well, but have a little sense of self preservation this early in the morning. Bad enough the boy has none and obviously it’s catching,” said Sarah. The boy in question was her own nephew and in her eyes he lost all sense of self preservation when he joined the Avengers.

“See you later,” said Alison when they parked the van.

“Stay out of trouble,” called Sarah walking in the the shelter. Alison started her walk over to Morningstar Nursing Home where she worked as a LPN. She was halfway to work when her phone went off.

 _I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Think about it every night and day._..Oh he would kill her if he knew that was his current ring tone, but Sam Wilson-the boy who had no sense-had only brought it on himself by admitting his code name was Falcon.

“Hello. You have reached the Conley summer home-some are home and some are not,” said Alison.

“Why can’t you answer the phone like a normal person?” asked Sam.

“More fun this way. Are you in the city yet?” asked Alison. They were supposed to have dinner this evening. She could tell by the sigh he was going to deliver bad news.

“There was a bit of an issue here so I’m gonna have to cancel. Again,” said Sam sounding very annoyed.

“Tell me it’s not killer robots again. You used that one last month. You can only use that excuse about three more times before we call bullshit,”  teased Alison.

Honestly it had reach a point where you either poked fun at all the near world ending events happening recently, pretended they weren’t happening or become a giant ball of nerves in your day to day life. _Or have a huge drinking party like Sophia and Renee did last month_ , thought Alison.

Plus Sam seemed to appreciate that she could poke fun at him about the very odd turn his life had taken. Unlike Renee and Sarah who had been dropping not so veiled hints they wanted him to join the normals again. They were proud of him, but after last month when a city in Europe fell out of sky a breaking point seemed to have been reached. Watching you go to the Middle East was nerve racking enough. This is a whole new level of non stop worrying for all of us. She and Sophia were on Sam’s side though. If this was what he wanted to do than they were more than willing to support him and he seemed happy doing this. Granted she had been a little more than distant during his last tour, but he seemed so unhappy and distant himself during that time it had caused a rift in their relationship. Their relationship was being mended and him having something he took pride in and made him happy helped.

“ Oh so now I’m the kid who cried ‘Killer Robot.’ Well this wasn’t a robot. Also last month was not a robot. It was a killer A.I. Huge difference,” said Sam.

“Robots, A.I....doesn’t really make a difference among us normals,” said Alison.

“If can you be free this evening we could try to Skype. I’m having a rotten day and it’s not even eight am. At least Cap isn’t here to chew my ass out yet,” said Sam sounding defeated.

“You tried to borrow the shield to pick up chicks didn't you? Did you leave it at bar? Did a girl write her phone number on?” asked Alison trying to cheer him up.

“If only I had done that,” said Sam and she could hear the desperation in his tone. _Someone needs a hug_ , thought Alison.

“ I get off about six so try messaging me around seven. You know it might not be that bad. I mean you really didn’t take the shield?” asked Alison finally getting a small laugh.

“ If I was going to take the shield I would use it to re-create the sledding scene from _Christmas Vacation_. I’ll try to be on by seven,”said Sam. They said their goodbyes and Alison ended the call.

She had been looking forward to having dinner with him.  It was disappointing, but clearly unavoidable. It might be world saving after all. He had missed Thanksgiving and Christmas last year which he was still closed lipped about the cause. He was supposed to be home last month for his cousin and her girlfriend’s engagement party and the killer A.I had sort of ruined him coming home. Oh the fit Renee had was near epic-I don’t know which pissed her off more-Sam missing another family event or the fact the world was near ending again before she got married. They hadn't really seen each other in person for over a year now. Not since he moved to D.C and joined the Avengers. Not since her 'bad year'. They did try Skyping at least once a week. Plus now that he was in New York they could at least try to meet up. _At least we're talking again. I did miss him_.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_He had walked this neighborhood before and wondered what was real-what he saw or the ghosts in his head. They all walked home from school together. Rebecca had just entered 1st grade and it was his and Steve's job to make sure she got to and from school safe. After all he and Steve were in 5th grade. Then again it was his job alone to make sure Steve got to and from school okay. People liked to pick on Steve because he was smaller than other kids and smarter too. Well book smart-he could never walk away from a fight, even when he was out numbered. It was Bucky's job to even the odds for Steve. It was just Steve and his mom, like it was just Bucky, Rebecca and their mom. Steve's dad died during the war and his dad just left one day. It made his mom sad to talk about it and Becca didn't remember their father. Bucky did and what he could remember he didn't like. He drank even though you weren't supposed to and it cost him work. He could remember trying to go to sleep and hearing his mother cry and his father telling her to be quiet before hitting her. Bucky hated him. It was wrong to hurt someone who hadn't done anything wrong. He would never be like that, if he did get into fights it was so Steve didn’t get hurt. Steve was always too stubborn to walk away from a fight. They had each other no matter what._

Bucky looked up at the apartment building and while it was foggy in his head, he was sure that he had lived here once. There was a crowd in the front and from what he heard it was some sort of museum and he couldn’t see a way to blend in like before so he walked to the back of the building. He noticed there was a fire escape that lead to the roof and he figured that was just as good as anywhere else to wait out the day. He climbed up and laid down so no one could spot him. He had hidden like this before, only he had been waiting for a car to come by. _It was warm for November... was it November? Yes he heard the handler say something about what a bitch his wife was being about having Thanksgiving Dinner with his family for once. He took sight in his scope. He was only to kill the man in the car, not the woman in pink next to him. It was easy enough and his handler was in such a good mood he gave him a slice of pie before his wipe._

The memories came like waves some days and other times not at all. He could go days without anything and then bam a flood came and would leave him feeling like he had the flu. S _teve had the flu and when Steve's mother went to work they went over and Bucky's mother made a huge pot of chicken soup and they had dinner in Steve's room. He and Becca never got sick. It was the Irish in them said his mother, it made them too stubborn to get sick._

He was sure the dark haired girl from his memories was called Rebecca. She came to him the most next to Steve when memories came back. They were all mixed together sometimes it was his life before the war. Some times it was during the war and then everything else just blurred together. He closed his eyes and felt that shock in his arm again.

_He couldn't understand what they were saying and he kept fighting against them. Jesus where was his arm. It smelled like smoke and every nerve in his body hurt. He had to get out of here somehow. Someone put a needle in his arm and everything went black again. When he woke up he was tied to the bed and a blond woman was cleaning out the wound on his left arm. Her light green eyes caught his and she was looking at him with a hint of pity._

_“Fighting them will just make it harder on you,” she said in accented English. She wrapped the spot where his arm used to be was. She helped him sit up a bit for water._

_“You speak English?” asked Bucky his voice hoarse and she nodded._

_“Zola and I are the only two here right now who speak English fluently. Everyone else is very bad at it. It's why I got put in charge of you.”  Zola had gotten away and now he was back under the care of that madman. How did he managed to find him before Steve did? He had fallen out of the train. How did he survive the fall? She gave him some more water before fishing out three pills._

_“Two are for the pain and one is to help fight off any infection from the operation. If you don't take them I have to call the guards and they'll make you take them. Please,” she said. Bucky took them and she helped him back down._

_“How long have I been here?” asked Bucky._

_“I don't know. Awhile I think.”_

_“What month is it?” asked Bucky._

_“March,” she said cleaning up casting worried glances at the door._

_“I've only been here a month,” said Bucky. It had been February when they tried to take the train and she looked at him confused._

_“What year do you think this is?”_

_“1944.” She shook her head._

_“It's 1946.” He looked at her stunned and went to grab her._

_“Don’t lie to me,” he snapped and she quickly ran out of the room. His screaming for her to come back brought in the guards and one of them hit in the head to shut him up. How? How had two years gone by with no one coming for him? What had happened? Zola got away, did they lose the war? Where was Steve? It all went hazy for him between the beating and the pain medication. He woke up again and she was cleaning the head wound._

_“It’s March 20th 1946. I’m not lying to you so be quiet.” she hissed._

_"What happened? How did we lose?" They had to have lost or else he wouldn’t be here. She sighed and eyed the door._

_"You didn’t lose. The Allied forces defeated the Axis. My country owes part of Germany and everyone else owns the other half. Japan had to be bombed into surrender."_

_"What about Captain America?" If Steve had any say he would be combing the Alps until he found his body. When none was found Steve would come looking for him._

_"He died during the last Hydra fight." It stunned him into silence. Steve was dead. No one was coming for him. He was on his own this time. The end of the line._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Stop laughing at me,” whined Sam. Alison took another deep breath and wiped the tears away.

"You got your ass soundly kicked by a guy called Ant Man. He then broke into your headquarters, stole stuff, broke your jetpack and got away. How do still have a job? How does one get fired from the A Team? Is like being tenured and you never get fired? Oh wait till Sophia hears about this." She reached for her phone to text her when Sam spoke up.

"Please don't tell anyone about this. I really shouldn't have told you, but since I bailed this evening I figured I owed you a really good reason. Does having my butt kicked by a tiny man make it a good one?" asked Sam.

"I'll let you use 'tiny ninja man kicked my ass' five more times before calling bullshit."

"Well maybe I should bank those just in case. So...." prompted Sam grinning.

"So what?" asked Alison

"A little bird told me you had a date this past weekend. How did it go?" asked Sam

"I'm calling it quits and adopting cats," said Alison rolling her eyes.

"It couldn't be that bad," said Sam.

" He sent me a picture of his 'junk' when he went to the bathroom before I could order cheesecake. Yeah it was that bad. Sophia and Renee are no longer allowed to set me up." Sam sighed. It was almost three years since the ‘accident’ and while Sam didn't want to push her into anything, she did seem stuck on certain areas in her life. Meeting new people and dating was one of them. _Matt would really want her to try and move on_ , thought Sam. Nothing serious, just a new friend for the time being.

"It was for the best really. I mean who wants to date an almost psychiatric nurse that did time at mental hospital?" asked Alison. Sam was going to say something when Natasha poked her head in.

"Boss man wants to see you." She noticed his Skype screen up and saw Alison. "Take all the time you need." Natasha gave a little wave before leaving. Alison did a double take as the stunning redhead walked away

"I swear to god everyone you work with is Photoshopped,” teased Alison. “I take it duty calls.”

“It calls. I’m not totally grounded so we can meet up on Friday,” said Sam.

“You know family dinner is Friday so our presence is mandatory. Fair warning, Renee is turning into a major Bridezilla and the wedding isn’t until next year. Sophia was asking if she could ‘borrow’ my medication to cool her down,” said Alison.

“Sophia might have slipped her a little something at the party last month on top of the booze. I fully intend to keep that video of her singing with Sarah ‘Whip my hair’ for future blackmail use. How much did you all drink?” asked Sam.

“I drunk dialed you and left a voicemail singing ‘Shots’. There is video of Sophia trying to sing Gangnam Style in Chinese. My hair hurt the next morning what does that tell you?” asked Alison

“That I really need to get out more often. I’ll see you around seven.” Alison gave a mock salute and was about to disconnect when Sam had an idea. “What if I set up something with someone from here?”

“I don’t know Sam,” she protested. Really she wanted to try and she had thought the last date was going really good and he seemed nice. Until he had sent her that pic and it wasn’t even meant for her based on the text message. Apparently she was boring and he got the vibe she wasn’t going to put out. He wanted to meet up with some bimbo whose name started with a D. _What happened to the three date rule? Is that even a thing. This is what having a ten year dating gap will do._ She gave the waitress a twenty and was let out through the kitchen.

“I promise he won’t sext you or send you anything gross. He has all his shots and a good job,” said Sam grinning.

“You won’t tell him anything that’s happened in the last few years right? I would like to roll that out on my time frame,” said Alison.

“You have my word that you can roll out your crazy train on your own time frame,” said Sam. Alison gave him a tired smile.

“I really did miss you. Good luck,” said Alison ending the chat.

Sam leaned back in his chair. He had missed her too. Reilly's death had been a tough blow and he hadn't been allowed to really talk about it with anyone until after he was discharged. Alison had been dealing with her own issues after the 'accident' so even if he had wanted to talk about what happened she wasn't in place to be there for him. His aunt and cousin just wanted him home and he wasn't sure how they would handle knowing what he had seen or done while over there. He could have gone to Sophia to talk since she seemed to be the other level head, but Alison had grown up with the military. Both her grandfather and father had served so she might have understood him a little better.  In his mind it did make sense for him to introduce Alison to Steve. Why shouldn't his new friend meet his old friend?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

_“You can share Becca’s room,” said Bucky sitting down the bed frame from Steve’s room. Steve gave him a look._

_“Aren’t you worried people will talk? I mean she’s still a kid, but…” Becca rolled her eyes and sat down the clothes from Steve’s apartment._

_“My room is the warmest in the apartment so it makes sense for us to share a room. Besides how else is he going to get girls in and out if you’re sharing a room?” asked Becca and Bucky gave her a look._

_“And he’ll stop you from sneaking out to meet boys that I told you not to meet,” said Bucky picking up the bed frame to move it to the second bedroom._

_“Who did you sneak out to meet?’ asked Steve rounding on her._

_“Nicholas D'angelo,” spat Bucky._

_“Wasn’t his older brother in our class?” asked Steve._

_“Yeah and he stuffed you in the trash bin more than once and I had to punch him more than once,” said Bucky._

_“He’s not from good people Becky,” said Steve worried._

_“Jesus, Mary and Joseph my parents have returned from the dead and taken over new bodies. It’s another miracle. The end is upon us,” cried Becca going back to Steve’s apartment to get more of his things._

_“If I didn’t love her so much I smack her for being a smart ass,” said Bucky._

_“At least she’s not a dumb ass,” said Steve taking his clothes to the dresser that had a drawer for him._

_“She goes through guys though. Last week it was the Ellis kid three floors down and the month before that it was kid who took tickets at the picture house,” said Bucky going to set up the bed._

_“Remind you of anyone?” teased Steve._

_“It’s different,” countered Bucky._

_“There was a Maria, a Nina, a Dorris, two Mary’s, some red head. Oh and a Vivian and that was in the span of two months. She’s actually slow compared to you,” said Steve handing him a screwdriver._

_“I would like to keep it that way,” said Bucky._

_“She’s a good kid. You don’t have to worry about her that much,” said Steve._

_“Well it’s either worry about her or worry about you. Since you’re staying with us now I don’t have to worry so much about you,” said Bucky. It was really quiet for a moment before Steve spoke up again._

_“I really do appreciate this. I promise we’ll split everything 50/50. I won’t be a pain in your ass.”_

_“Your mom offered to take us in and while we didn’t move it she did look out for us. We’re family,” said Bucky nudging Steve._

He waited till the museum staff had gone before trying to sneak in. The alarm was easy enough to disconnect. Bucky came in through a window that wasn’t latched tight enough and looked around. It was a small two bedroom apartment with a small kitchen space and a common area. The shared bathroom was down the way. _We always had to get Steve up early if he wanted hot water._ We were talking about getting a bigger place after the war. A new building where the bath was private. He had lived here once. This had been home once and he had been happy here. The furnishings were still here, but they didn’t look right. They haven’t been used. It’s just for show. His room faced to east and it always had a draft no matter how much newspaper he stuffed in the cracks. Plus it did have it’s perks.

_The blond slipping her dress back on and slipping out his window and down the fire stairs. Coming out for breakfast- Steve turning red and Rebecca asking if he could tell his dates to keep their praises to a low scream the next time they were trying to sleep. What would the neighbors think?_

Bucky rubbed his arm and sat on the floor of what used to be his room and wondered what he was supposed to do now. No one was home. _I just wanted to go home._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to sailtheplains for her beta readings


	2. Always have an exit plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alison's work ring tone
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3jZgng-3c0
> 
> Some Abuse...still T rated

_He wrote when he got to London as promised and told her to send any packages to 107 Sgt. James Barnes 32557038-Azzano, Italy. He complained in the letter he had hoped to go the France, the girls were supposed to be pretty. On the plus side he heard the food in Italy was much better He asked about Steve and how work was going. He asked if she could send some chocolate or matches with the package. That he loved her and to take care until he came back._

_The package was waiting for him when he was rescued from Zola and the Hydra plant. She wrote back that Steve somehow conned his way into the Army, but he couldn't give her any details. He did send her money for rent and food that she was hiding for the rainy day fund. The job was okay, she said Stark Industries was a nice place to work at and she had been made a floor manager for the medical plant. She told him to be careful and to stay dry, she heard it rained a lot in Italy during the winter. The package had three pairs of socks, a sweater, three chocolate bars, a carton of cigarettes and a few boxes of matches. God bless that girl. Bucky tore into his chocolate and savored it. Zola didn't believe in feeding him. Steve poked his head into the tent and frowned._

_“You we're going to hoard that weren't you?” Bucky broke off a piece for Steve._

_“She's my sister and it's my care package. Here take a pair of socks,” said Bucky. He had feeling Steve hadn't really packed for active duty and would need these soon._

_“She is going to make some guy really happy someday,” said Steve studying the socks and the rest of the box._

_“He has to get my approval first,” said Bucky breaking off another square for himself._

_“God she's going to 50 before that happens,” said Steve picking up the letter. “ I did not con my way into the Army. I enlisted fair and square.”_

_“Sixth time was charm,” said Bucky._

_“You think if I tell her I’m Captain America she’ll send me stuff?”asked Steve._

_“Wait you don’t have a fan club to send you stuff?” Steve took another square of chocolate._

_“You know she’s probably seeing that Tynes boy from the dinner now that we’re both gone,” said Steve enjoying the look of horror on Bucky’s face._

Bucky woke up on the roof of the apartment building. He had been staying here since his second night in New York. He knew he should get a move on, dawn was coming and he didn't want to be spotted by the staff. He got up and a shock went through his body and he winced. God damn it that was getting annoying and he wasn't sure how to fix it or who could fix it. The nurse in alley came to mind, but could she be trusted? Those eyes...no the woman from before had light green eyes, brown flecks. The woman from the alley had dark green eyes, no flecks just pure green.  _Her name was Georgina and she had light green eyes with brown flecks._

_She brought him his meals, nothing special. Breakfast was oatmeal and juice. Lunch and dinner consisted of soup, bread, some water and his medication. They weren't starving him, but he was kept under lock and key with only her checking on him. It was better than Italy where they left him alone and starved him. She took his vitals, cleaned and dressed the stump that was his left arm and left._

_“What's your name?” asked Bucky one morning and she cast the door a quick look. Clearly she was in no better a position than he was and he had been here for what he guessed was about a month now. They did let him out of his bed and he was getting used to walking without his left arm._

_“Georgina.” She finished her job and left the room. A few moments later Zola came in flanked by two large guards._

_“I see you're healing nicely Sergeant Barnes. Hopefully in a few days we can move onto to the next step of our work.”_

_“Oh boy that sounds like a ton of fun,” spat Bucky and Zola smiled._

_“Nice to see you haven't lost your fight. Don't worry we'll take care of that soon enough.” said Zola and he left the room. The guards stayed behind to beat him for his attitude. He gave one of them a good kick in the groin before he was knocked to the ground and pounded. He woke up tied to the bed again and Georgina washing the blood off his face._

_“You damn Americans are too stubborn for your own good.” Bucky flashed her a quick smile that had most girls charmed._

_“It's our job.” She just shook her head sadly and left the room again._

Bucky winced has another shock hit him. If this kept happening he would have no choice, maybe the alley nurse was part of the medical team sent to fetch him. A test of sorts. He was so tired and maybe if he turned himself in they would end it all for him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 “So how was your week?” asked Dr. Jess Louna. Alison had been seeing her since her time at what she had dubbed ‘Camp Happy’ over a year ago. She was an older woman in her 60’s with olive skin and jet black hair. Alison had to check in once a week, it was the ground rules set by Louna for getting her the job at Morningstar. She was on the board of directors and it was on her word that the doctors agreed to take a chance and hire her.

“I’ve had better weeks,” admitted Alison. She filled her in on the date from hell, Sam’s last minute cancellation and that her grandfather-Robert was showing more mental signs of Parkinson.

“He asked if Matt was having dinner with me and Sam on Sunday night. The newest round of testing yesterday confirmed what I thought. He’s on early Stage Four. The nurse in me knew it was coming and I still really hate it.”

“That's to be expected, he did raise you after all and you wouldn't be the person you are without him,” said Louna and Alison rolled her eyes.

“All smartass like?” Louna laughed a bit.

“I prefer them smart. Have you had any nightmares this week?”

“Just one...the one we keep having,” said Alison.

“Well you did go almost four weeks without one. You’ve had stressful week. I’m sorry you’re first date in over ten years went so badly. I imagine next week isn’t going to be better considering the anniversary is coming up,” said Louna.

“I keep trying to not think about it. So much so Sam got me to agree to meet one someone he knows from upstate tonight. He says it’s not a date so I’m under no pressure. It’s just family dinner with a stranger coming.”

“I know trying to meet new people hasn’t been the easiest thing for you and reconnecting with your friends from before has been a bit of struggle, but you are trying,” said Louna. Alison nodded. The engagement party last month had been a huge struggle. Sophia and Renee had been there during her time at ‘Camp Happy.’ so they knew where she was in terms of coping. It was all the other old friends that had been hard. She was really happy that some people got married, had kids, finished school-they kept expecting her to freak out or something. Somehow smiling and wishing them the best had been the last thing they expected. _Always keep them guessing_.

“Enjoy your dinner,” said Louna.

“Well if it goes well I do have the weekend off for once,” teased Alison picking up her purse. It’s probably just someone from the medical staff they have up there. Someone slightly normal despite working for a team of superheroes. It was going to be fine.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“It’s not a date,” said Steve slightly annoyed since this felt like the thousandth time he told Natasha this and she grinned from her spot in the doorway.

“I saw Sam talking to her and she looked kind of cute. Plus you are packing an overnight bag so that just fuel to the fire,” said Natasha.

“We’re staying at Stark Tower this weekend so Sam can get his wings fixed because an ant problem we had recently,” said Steve loudly seeing Sam walk by.

“Not cool man. Really not cool. And it’s not a date. I just think it might be a good idea to get him out of here so he can talk to people other than us. He can bore someone else with his tales of Nazi ass kicking,” said Sam.

“Yeah you can only hear a story start ‘Well we were in Nazi Germany...’ so many times before you start to zone out,” said Natasha.

“Because all your stories that start “Well Barton and I were in blank….trying to recover/assassinate blank don’t make me wanna fall asleep,” countered Steve.

“That’s fair,” said Natasha.

“So is she really nurse?” asked Steve.

“One person lies to you about being a nurse and you get all paranoid. She has her RN pin. Should I have her wear to dinner?” asked Sam.

“So how do you know her?” asked Natasha. “I doubt you dated her. She looked too smart for that.”

“When I was about six my mom and I moved back to New York to be with her sister and Alison was already friends with my cousin Renee and we all lived in the same building. We got tossed into the same first grade class. I forgot my lunch money and the school was gonna give me one of these nasty, frozen PB&J sandwiches they had on hand. Alison spilt her lunch with me. She hasn’t been able to get rid of me since.”

 _Sounds vaguely familiar_ , Steve thought. It had been a year since there had been any trace of Bucky. He hated to admit that the search for his friend had taken a bit of back seat the last few months while they had tracked down Hydra bases, then the Ultron issue and now setting up the new Avengers base and training new teams.

Steve had been looking all over for him since the D.C incident. They had found the Vault where Hydra kept Bucky and the remains of a destroyed chair. Based on the file Natasha had given him it looked like the chair where they wiped his memories after each mission. Some part of Bucky knew he had been used and lashed out on the only thing he could for causing him pain. The trail went cold after D.C and as Natasha put it, he was a ghost and was used to disappearing. He would only be found when he wanted to be found.

“Poor thing,” said Natasha. Steve finished packing his bag.

“They know I’m coming right?” asked Steve. It was still a bit odd to him how some people reacted upon meeting him. _You used to think Coulson was the biggest fan ever._

“Oh yeah,” said Sam. Steve left the room to get a mini jet ready when Natasha looked at Sam.

“You didn’t tell them that Captain America was coming to dinner,” said Natasha.

“Either way they’re going to freak out.” Natasha rolled her eyes.

“I want video,” she called leaving the room.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“But he’s nice,” countered Sophia and Alison rolled her eyes.

“Yeah and the last ‘nice’ guy you set me up with said I was gonna put him to sleep like NPR. You told him I work in a nursing home. What was he expecting? I even told the ‘old people-sex ed’ story. Seriously how is getting heckled by a group of senior citizens not funny?” asked Alison setting the table.

“So you’re going to trust Sam to set you up?” asked Renee sitting the dumplings on the table.

“It’s not a date and I haven’t ruled out becoming a crazy cat lady. It’s still on the table,” said Alison. Sarah came into the dining room.

“You know the choir has some nice young men,” hinted Sarah.

“Who are looking for a nice cover story,” whispered Sophia and Alison nearly choked on her water.

“You all are far too invested in my fledgling dating life and it’s starting to creep me out a bit,” said Alison sitting down. There was a knock on the door and Sam came in with a very tall blond man and Alison nearly choked again. Of course he brought Captain America to dinner...why not? _What do I even say. Hi I’m Alison and….seriously nothing. Why brain? Why?_

“Hi. Steve, that is my aunt Sarah. Her daughter Renee. Her girlfriend Sophia and my friend Alison. Everyone Steve.” Alison looked at Sophia who was grinning at Steve. The petite Asian looked up at Renee and elbowed her.

“Hall pass,” called Sophia and Renee looked at her and then to Sam.

“Kitchen! Now!” ordered Renee grabbing her girlfriend by the arm to pull her into the kitchen and glared at Sam. Sam hung his head and followed them to kitchen.

“One second,” said Sarah following them shaking her head. Alison looked at the floor wishing it would swallow her whole right now.

“Oh she is going to murder him with a shovel,” muttered Alison.

“So I take it he didn’t tell you I was coming to dinner,” said Steve who was also looking at the floor clearly wishing for a black hole. She looked up and shook her head.

“No. Not a hint. If he had-Sarah would have given the whole apartment a white glove cleaning and Renee might have locked Sophia in the basement. If you couldn’t tell she’s a bit of fangirl,” said Alison.

“History major?” asked Steve.

“Media and Film actually. She teaches at NYU and for her Master’s she did a paper on WWII propaganda. She compared American propaganda to Nazi and Hydra propaganda to the Japanese propaganda and well it was a good year or two of her life buried in your films along with other work you cranked out. The comics and stuff,” _Well at least you’re trying to hold a conversation_ , thought Alison.

“So what did he tell you about me?” asked Steve.

“That you had all your shots and a good job. What did he tell you about me?”

“That you were a nurse and good at sharing your lunch,” said Steve.

“Yeah he’s a bit like a Gremlin. I made the mistake of feeding him after midnight and now he won’t go away. Is that how you got stuck with him?” asked Alison.

“He was one of the few people trying to not kill me about a year ago.”

“Well that does go a long way.” They heard whispered fighting from the kitchen.

“You brought home Captain Freaking America. The one man my girlfriend would go straight for and are trying to set him up with our mutual friend,” hissed Renee.

“It’s not a date,”countered Sam.

“Seriously you promised me a hall pass if he ever showed up!” protested Sophia. Alison put her head on the table. She might see if she could have a session tomorrow if this kept up.

“What is a hall pass?” asked Steve looking so confused it inspired pity.

“I’m not sure I should explain that to you. I…” Her phone went off

_Ohh, Ohh, Oowww, Ooowwww Come on now! More Margaritas!!!! Ohh, Ohh, Oowww, Owwww. Come on now! More Margaritas!!!!_

“I have to get that,” said Alison leaving the table and wishing she could curl up and die right now. _This is a nightmare and instead of waking up in class naked my best friend brought Steve Rogers to dinner._

“Hello.”

“Hey Ally, it’s Adam. Sorry to be calling during dinner. A guy came in with your name on one of our cards and he doesn’t look too good. He keeps twitching and muttering and I can’t understand him. I got him in one of the back rooms. Can you come in or should I just call a bus?” _Who did I give a card too with my name? Oh wait that guy from Monday. This week has been such a cluster I forgot._

“No don't call anyone yet. I'll be right there. Give me fifteen minutes to walk over okay. Bye,” Alison hung up and gave Steve an apologetic look. The whisper fight was still going on and was getting a lot more heated. _Yeah...he needs an out too_.

“That was work so I’m going to exit through the front door now. If you go down the hall and to your right is a bedroom with a fire escape.”

“Am I not allowed to exit through the front door?” asked Steve and she had to laugh.

“I thought it would more dramatic for you to exit via the window,” said Alison picking up her coat and purse.

“It’s Friday night. I just wanna walk through a door.” He followed her out and it was another ten minutes before anyone noticed they were gone.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Steve shoved his hands in his pockets and walked with her down the street. He offered to walk her over the parish. It wasn’t a bad neighborhood, but he figured he owed her one. She agreed to let him tag along, but he could tell she was surprised. Sometimes he forgot girls weren’t used to guys offering to do stuff like this for them. _Natasha would give me the weirdest looks when I let her through a door first._  Alison seemed nice enough. A bit awkward, but nice. _Say something Rogers...she got you out of that dinner. Remind yourself to put Sam on trainee detail for the next month._

“So do you have margaritas at work?” asked Steve.

“Margaritas? Oh yeah that. Well sometimes when I get after hour calls I need a margarita after so it seemed fitting,” said Alison.

“We always go out for shawarma after work,” said Steve. “So do you get after hour calls a lot?”

“Not really. I’ve only been with the parish for about six months. The on call doctor retired last month, so when I’m not working and they need something I come in. It’s mostly a kid with a fever or someone got into a fight and needs stitches. This is sort of rare thing. I really should thank him for coming in and getting us out. I’m sorry it got sort of…”

“Uncomfortable, weird, wishing it was fever dream,” suggested Steve.

“Seriously I went brain dead for like a good minute when you walked in. I didn’t know what to say. Um... I had to play Star Spangled Man with Plan for a lot of school performances. I think I can do it my sleep,” Steve winced. That song would haunt him till he died for good.

“I feel like I owe you a drink for that. Tell me they didn’t make the girls wear those little dresses?”

“I was on the drums in the pit so I got to wear pants, but yeah the kids in the choir on stage had to wear star theme attire,” said Alison with a small grin.

“So I can understand why everyone is trying to get me to date. I haven’t been on one since 1944. Can I ask why they seem to be trying to get you a date?” asked Steve. _You seem like a nice, normal person who I hope isn’t a secret spy_ , thought Steve. Alison thought and decided to spit most of it out. _Honesty is the best policy,_ she thought.

“I was in a relationship for a very long and he...we were in an accident a few years ago and he didn’t make it.”

“Oh I’m really sorry,” said Steve. _Way to go. Dig that wound open Steve. Thanks for the heads up Sam._

“No. I’m sorry. There isn’t a graceful way to spit that out so I just rip it off like a band-aid so it’s over and done with. Last month I made the mistake of hinting that maybe I should try to meet new people and boom! Everyone feels the need find me a date. I’m shocked no one has gotten me a Tinder account yet,” said Alison.

“Is that like Twitter?” asked Steve.

“If Twitter had a cousin filled with STD’s and regret,” said Alison.

“I will keep that in mind,” said Steve with a laugh. _So meeting new people isn’t so bad_ , thought Alison. They made it to the parish and Alison looked up at him.

“So this is my stop. If you wanna split that’s cool,” said Alison.

“Well would you mind if I didn’t split? I really don’t have anything else going on tonight. Unless I wanna try to start a new fan club. Sophia could be my president.” He opened the door for her and she walked in.

“Thanks,” she said and he followed behind her. _Not a bad night after all,_ thought Steve.

...........................................................................................................................................................

“Just wait here and I’ll call her,” said the old man showing him to a room. Bucky could tell he made the old man nervous and a part of him felt bad. He didn't mean to make him nervous, but he kept twitching and it made everyone nervous who walked past him. The shocks were steadily getting worse and it was tiring and painful.

_Georgina came in she looked at him sadly. He looked up from his bed and smiled._

_“I knew you would come back,” joked Bucky. Zola came in and eyed Bucky._

_“It seems the Sergeant has a crush on you. Well we'll fix that soon enough,” said Zola. They wheeled his bed down the hall and towards a room with an odd sort of chair. Two guards got him out of bed and into the chair. Georgina helped them adjust the straps in the chair and whispered that she was sorry before stepping away. Zola put a metal band on his head._

_“What's your name?” asked Zola._

_“Sergeant James Bar...” a shock went through his body and he screamed._

_“You have no name,” said Zola. “What is your name?”_

_“Sergeant James B....”another shock and it lasted longer this time._

_“You have no name,” repeated Zola. This went on for what felt like forever to him. Zola would ask for his name, Bucky would give it, Zola would shock him and tell him he had no name. He was reduced to crying in the chair and Zola ordered him back to his room._

He laid down on the sofa and tried to not cry. God this was becoming painful in ways he had forgotten. He heard voices outside.

“I'll only be a few minutes. I just wanna make sure he's okay and if there is anything we can do before we make him someone else's problem," said a female voice.

"I'll wait here than," said a male voice and is sounded familiar. He was too tired to try and place it. The door opened and Alison opened the door and gave him a small smile.   

“Hey. I'm glad you came in. Can you tell me what's hurting you?”

“My arm...my left side,” said Bucky. She pulled over a chair to get closer to him and he sat up.  

“Can I see it?' asked Alison. Bucky nodded and pulled his left hand out of his pocket and her eyes got wide at the sight of it. He pulled the sweatshirt off so she could see the whole metal arm and all color left her face.

“Holy shit,” she muttered and went to touch it and it felt hot to the touch.  Like a car about to overheat.

“How...I don't even know where to start.” She had seen prosthetic limbs before but nothing like this. “Who did this too you?' asked Alison.

She wasn’t part of the Hydra medical team if she didn’t know how to fix this. In way he was a little relieved, but he really needed someone to make this stop.  Before he could answer another shock went through his body and he cried out in pain. The door opened and there stood Steve _the mission_.

“Bucky,” he said. Alison turned to look at Steve when the man on the sofa started to get up only to fall over from another shock. He fell to the floor and was twitching.

“Call an ambulance,” said Alison kneeling next to him. She had no clue what was going on or who this passed out man was, but he needed help that was beyond her. _How do you even make something like that,_ thought Alison. Steve pulled out his phone and was speaking quickly.

“Yeah. Stark it's me. Yeah...shut up and listen. We need you to prep a med room at the Tower. Don’t ask questions, just do it,” ordered Steve.  He made another call to Sam ordering him to get to the parish with the car. That he found Bucky and to step on it. Bucky, thought Alison beyond confused at this point. Another shock went through him and Alison felt his heart stop. _Oh crap_. Alison started CRP and Steve knelt next to her and took the man’s flesh hand.

“Come on. Bucky, don’t do this to me,” muttered Steve. She performed two rounds of chest compression before she felt a barely there pulse and the man drew in a shuddering breath. He looked at her confused .

“Georgina...” he passed out again, but was still breathing.

“We got to get him to Stark,” said Steve and he helped her get the man up and out the back door so no one would see. A few minutes later a horn honked and there was Sam driving a black SUV. She and Steve got the man into the backseat, Alison climbed in the back and Steve got into the front.

“What is going on?” asked Alison.

“His name is Bucky Barnes,” said Sam and it took Alison a second to place the name.

“Like the Bucky Barnes from history class?” asked Alison.   _Well my life just took a turn into the night of living historical figures_. Steve looked very grim and he took the man’s normal hand and was talking to him.

“Come on. Wake up. Don’t you dare quit on me now.”

“How is he doing back there?” asked Sam.

“Pulse is low....about 60-65 beats a minute. I'm not sure if that's his normal resting or not. That arm though is hot has hell. Sounds like it's grinding,” said Alison. _Please just keep beating_ , thought Alison. They got to Stark Tower and into a parking garage where Tony Stark was waiting for them with a gurney. Steve and Sam got him out of the backseat and started wheeling him towards the elevator. Tony looked at Alison and raised an eyebrow.

“You bring all your dates out on recovery missions?” asked Tony.

“It’s not a date!” snapped Steve.

“He's not going to get help down here,” said Alison feeling the pulse drop a beat as another shock hit him.

“Doctor?” asked Tony.

“Nurse,” said Alison.

“Oh good someone useful,” said Tony and it was hard to tell if he meant it or not. They went up several floors and it opened up into a what Alison could only assume was the most expensive medical center she had ever walked into. There looked to be full lab off to one side, MRI scanner, CT scanner, a full body x-ray machine and things she had only read about in journals

“Oh Friday,” called Tony and a female voice spoke up from all around them.

“Yes Tony?”

“Let's get him on the bed,” said Sam and he helped Alison move him to a bed. Steve refused to let go of the man’s hand and Alison found herself trying to work around him. Tony went over to a drawer and started pulling out some tools. Alison removed his shirt to study the arm a little better. The shock was wearing off and some her training took over.

“It looks like it's attached in two places,” said Alison. It looked like there was a metal plate where his shoulder and arm joint should be that attached to the arm to his body. _Jesus_ , thought Alison taking in the scar tissue around the base. Someone had been operating on him for sometime-cutting it and letting it heal repeatedly.

“Oh you are useful after all,” said Tony sitting the tools down on a table and wheeling it over. He studied the arm and listened.

“Well this is going to have to come off. Give me a scan Friday. How do we take the tin man apart?” There was a flash of green lasers that quickly scanned him. A hologram appeared showing the arm in detail.

“Arm is detachable from main plate,” said the voice and it showed Tony how to take the arm off.

“You might wanna restrain him before we start. I don't want him to struggle and mess you up,” said Alison.

“We could knock him out,” said Tony pointing to a fridge that Alison could only guess what meds that held.

“I don't know if he's allergic to anything and considering how low his pulse is I don't wanna risk it,” said Alison.

“This bed comes with resistant to hold the Hulk down,” said Tony and he pressed a button and restraints appeared on his legs, chest and arms.

“Georgina,” he muttered and Alison stroked his hair back.

“Shhh. It's Alison and we got someone who's gonna help you okay. You need to stay still for awhile.”  She didn’t know how messy this was going to be and Steve was sort of in the way should they need to do anything major _. He shouldn’t see it if something goes wrong,_ thought Alison _._

“Steve. Why don’t you go with Sam and we’ll get you when we’re finished,” said Alison softly putting a hand on his arm and he jerked away.

“I’m not leaving this room,” said Steve and Alison took a step back and looked at Sam for help.

“Come on. They need room to work. They can’t help him if you’re in the way. He’s in good hands,” said Sam lightly taking Steve’s arm. Steve looked defeated and went with Sam.

“Good. It’s hard to work with those big puppy dog eyes looking at you.  Oh where are my manners, Tony Stark,” he said holding out a hand.

“Alison Conley.” Taking his hand and he shook it.

“Well Nurse Alison. If you could bring that second table over here,” said Tony. She brought over the second table for the arm once it was off.

“Is there normal hospital stuff here?' asked Alison. Tony pointed out where she could find everything and she went to work. She got him on heart monitor first and he seemed to be at 70 beats a minute, a little better still not what she wanted. She was going to wait until the left arm was removed before starting a saline drip or getting any blood samples.

“This is going to sound stupid and I still have to ask. Have you seen anything like this before?” asked Alison and Tony gave her a look that reminded Alison of every cocky intern resident she ever dealt with.

“I build stuff like this, but this one isn’t mine. However according to the records Cap got this was first made in 40’s so now I’m a little bitter it took me so long to do it.”

Tony started with something remarkably low tech-a screwdriver and by the end he moved on to what looked like a lightsaber to get the arm off the base. The base reminded her of a motherboard and Tony looked at it.

“Well that looks okay so we’ll leave it on for now. Almost all the wires, circuits, chips are about fried in the arm explains the shocks,” said Tony pushing the table with the arm away.

"He's all yours now," said Tony. He took the arm with him, he had a feeling that Cap would want him to fix it. She took a few blood sample. There was a lab so they could test for infections. He stirred and looked at her.

“I'm sorry if this hurts. You're dehydrated and it makes it hard to find a good vein and sadly I only have one arm to use. I'm going to start a saline drip and get some fluids in you?” He gave her a slight nod.

“I won't cause trouble,” he muttered before passing out again. She brushed his hair back and shook her head. _Poor guy._ He shivered and she found a thin blanket to cover him up. She used the same vein for a saline drip. She turned to head for the lab when the female voice spoke up.

“Please put all samples on the the counter for standard testing.”

“What is standard?” asked Alison. _Oh this night has reached the fever dream stage._

“Drug screening, HDL screening…” Alison stopped her.

“I just want to see if he has an infection or any drugs in his system.”

“That can be done in twenty minutes.”

“Thanks Hal,” said Alison and she left the room to get Steve. She missed Bucky whispering for her to come back.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve paced from one side of the room to the next in quick strides that made Sam nervous. _Oh please let Barnes be okay. It would crush Steve if something happened to him now that we’ve found him._

“So what happened?” asked Sam trying to get Steve to settle down.

“She got a call to go in and help a patient,” said Steve. Sam had a feeling he would get a more detailed account from Alison. Steve’s head wasn’t here and he couldn’t blame him. Tony came out wheeling a table with an arm.

“So in addition to fixing bird-man's wings I’m going to assume you want this fixed too,” said Tony pointing at the arm.

“That would be very helpful,” said Steve. Alison came out next and looked at Steve.

“His heart rate is back up. Got an IV in to get some fluids in him. He’s out of it for the time being. He’s still restrained just in case he tosses and turns. I only have one arm to work with for IV’s,” she explained.

“Thank you,” said Steve and he left the room. Alison looked at Sam.

“You owe me dinner, a margarita and a really good explanation about what is going on.”  


	3. It only sounds crazy until you say it out loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of abuse-still T
> 
> Sebastian Stan once said in an interview he felt that Bucky Barnes/Winter Solider would have the worst case of ADD and his thoughts would bounce all over the place due to his memory coming back in flashes and the things Hydra put him through so I hope the 'thoughts' make sense.

 

Steve felt sick to his stomach and had to force himself to breath. _Bucky. How long has he been in New York? He was in Brooklyn. He came home. Does he even remember that it was home once?_

He sat down next to Bucky and frowned at the state of him. He was thin, dirty and had a long dark beard. _I'm so sorry. I should have had a team look for you, I should have grabbed you...I shouldn't have asked you to join the team. They offered you an out and I should have made you take it. You would have gone home, settled down, watched Becca settle down...you would have lived your life,_ thought Steve. Bucky stirred and started muttering in Russian. Natasha had taught him some and he recognized what sounded like 'no' 'objectives understood' and 'mission completed'.

Natasha had given him the Russian Hydra files and Tony had somehow managed to recover a bit of Zola's program from the bombed out SHIELD base and had given Steve the notes on the Winter Soldier program a few weeks ago after D.C in hopes it would give them some more clues about where he could have gone. It just made him sick to know everything that had been done to his friend. _Try talking to him...make him remember something._

"Do you remember the last letter you got from Becca? It was right before the Alps? She told you she got spotted by some artist named Vargas. Turns out he was the guy that did all those pin ups pictures in those Esquire magazines Falsworth had on hand. She turned into a rather famous model after that...well we would have considered it risque, but it's actually tame and cliche by today's standards. They called her Becky Bee the Pin-up Queen. I should have made you go home. Someone needed to tell her no and she wouldn't have listened to me. Or who knows you might have let her do it just to date the other models. She did meet up with one called Bettie Page who was even more famous but not as cute as our girl," said Steve.

He had looked up Becca a few months after he came back. She was still alive and well into her late 80's at the time. She had come back to New York around the time he had been thawed out and was in a nursing home near Brooklyn. She had gone out West and settled in California after the modeling had dried up in the mid 50's. She settled down and had two kids, worked at a bakery until the late 90's. She also penned a book about growing up with him and Bucky. _Girl knew how to keep herself busy._

"There were just too many ghosts here Steve. I needed to be somewhere and not see you and Bucky on every corner. I came back because I was ready to be with my ghosts," she told him when he came to see her and he asked about her move to California and her move back. _Is that why you came back? You were ready to be with your ghosts._

He hadn't been to see her in a while, about six months. He hadn't told her Bucky was alive. What could he tell her anyway? _Bucky didn't die, he was taken in by Hydra scientists and tortured to become an assassin who tried to kill me._

Bucky stirred and he opened his eyes. He looked at Steve and started struggling against his bonds.

"Hey...hey," He wouldn't stop struggling and was starting to turn red in the face. "Bucky calm down."

"Mission...mission...end the line….Steve…" he was going to hurt himself if he kept struggling. He was going to have to be sedated and he didn't know how to do it or if it could even be done. Defeated he asked Friday to page Alison to come up. She was the only medic here right now. _Hope she didn't leave._

_.........................................................................................._

 

“So you’ve spent the last year looking for Bucky Barnes who didn’t die in 1944 after falling off a train and was instead kidnapped and turned into an assassin called the Winter Soldier by Hydra and the Russians?” asked Alison finished her drink and seriously debating a second one after hearing Sam’s story about everything that happened in D.C.

Sam explained that when Barnes had been captured by Zola in 1943 they gave him some sort of Super Soldier Serum which would explain how he survived the fall. He hadn’t aged due to being put in a cryochamber in between missions. _This is...I don’t have words for how disgusted I am_. Zola had been talked about in one of her pre nursing classes. He was credited with creating a new form of skin grafting and treatments for blindness, but how he found them was so unethical people didn’t really like to talk about it. Do no harm is the first rule of medicine and that was tossed right out the window and you could see it when you looked at Barnes.

“You are a quick one,” said Tony pouring his third drink. Alison shook her head and looked at Sam.

“Is that why you’ve been damn near impossible to get a hold of the last year or so?” asked Alison.

“I couldn’t tell you for obvious reasons. I mean would you have believed me?” asked Sam.

“Well compared to all the other stuff you’ve told me about this actually sounds slightly on the sane side. So what happens to him now?” asked Alison. He looked so pitiful it made her feel sorry for him. Technically he had been a POW and shouldn’t be charged with any crime. She had a feeling he had gone through enough punishment for several life times. _God what did they do to him...that arm was just the least of it_.

“Well SHIELD would have been the one to file charges and since they’re gone they can’t. I’m not sure if the Army would. If we keep him on the downlow he shouldn’t have any charges brought up,” said Sam.

“He shouldn’t have any brought against him. He wasn’t in control of his own actions,” said Alison.

“I know that and you know that, but he did kill a lot of people and he’s going to have to face that,” said Sam. Tony made a face and finished his drink

As you pointed out he wasn’t in control of his own actions, but he clearly needs a padded room and a lot of medication,” said Tony and Alison got up to get another drink.

“You don’t think he can be rehabilitated?” asked Alison.

“He spent over 70 years in meat locker when he wasn’t being mind fried. I have the files if you want some late night reading,” said Tony and Sam gave him a look to knock it off. The com buzzed on.

“Is Alison still here?” asked Steve.

“Yep,” she called out.

“Um, he’s awake and he won’t settle down. Can you give him something?” asked Steve and he sounded so defeated. She sat her drink down and headed back upstairs with Sam.

“You mad at me?” asked Sam.

“Not mad. Upset that you weren’t more honest about the disappearing act last year. I wouldn’t have told anyone. Even if I did...well Franklin might have believed me. He thought Thor and Loki were government projects. He gave me a tin hat when I was discharged as a going away present.” Sam gave her a look. “I’m kidding. The tin helps the government steal your thoughts, you need to wrap it in plastic for projection.” The look on his face was priceless.

They got off the elevator and saw Steve pacing outside the room. Sam looked in and saw Barnes was fighting his restraints and was yelling in Russian.

“He was worse before I left the room. I’m not sure what we can give him to calm him down,” admitted Steve. Alison shook her head.

“I don’t think there is enough of anything to calm him down. I mean I’m still vague on stuff here, but if he was given some sort of Super Soldier he’s just gonna run out of his system before it takes effect,” said Alison recalling the class that had also covered Dr. Erskine and his work. _Increased metabolism was one the side effects mentioned. How much of the serum was he given? Did they use the Vita Rays too? This would almost be really fascinating study if the person it happened too had any say in what happened to him, thought Alison._

“They had you on a morphine drip and it was the highest dose they could give a person without killing them and that barely knocked you out,” said Sam recalling Steve’s time in the hospital after the helicarrier crash. Steve and Sam kept talking and they didn’t notice Alison go into the room until the yelling stopped.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Meds were not an option, but if he kept the struggle up he was going to tear that I.V out and that was going to hurt too. Alison went into the room to check it and maybe try talking to him. He kept screaming in Russian until she came over and put her hand on his chest. He looked up at her confused and scared, but the screaming stopped.

“Sergeant Barnes. I'm not going to hurt you. We had to restrain you to remove your arm remember? You also toss and turn a lot and I didn't want you ripping out your I.V. This isn't punishment. It's for your safety,” explained Alison calmly. She looked at his I.V that had started to come loose.

“I have to put this back in and might hurt for second,” said Alison. She adjusted the line and retaped it down. His sharp blue eyes kept watching her like at any second she was going to do something horrible to him. He was clearly dehydrated and malnourished, but somehow still had the body of someone who worked out seven days a week. The nails on his hand had been bitten down to the nub and were caked with dirt. His shoulder length hair was matted and in serious knots. The beard was also a huge matted mess. The white sheets were dirty around him and she imagined he was used to sleeping wherever he could, but she hated that thought of him sleeping in dirt now that he was in a hospital setting. _Not to mention if he does have an infection sleeping in his own filth isn’t going to help anything._

“I’m going to talk to Steve and see about getting you cleaned up okay. Just relax and I’ll be back in a minute or two,” said Alison. She walked out and saw Steve and Sam looking at her slightly stunned.

“What did you say to him?” asked Sam.

“Not a lot. Told him the restraints were for his safety. Adjusted his I.V and told him I was going to ask you if I could clean him up,” said Alison.

“Well you got him to stop screaming and fighting,” said Steve. _I didn’t think he was going to stop unless we did hook up a drip of something,_ thought Steve. Steve had watched Bucky when she had been with him. He looked confused, but he didn’t try to fight with her. She was quick and knew what she was doing despite dealing with what could be the weirdest patient she had ever seen.

“I’m going to assume that is a good thing,” said Alison.

“What sort of nursing did you do?” asked Steve.

“Currently nursing home stuff...umm…”

“She was working towards her APRN-Psychiatric care,” said Sam and Alison fought the urge to kick him.

“Was?” asked Steve.

“The loans got to be a little too much,” said Alison and she gave Sam a look. _Shut your cake hole or I will kill you,_ thought Alison. Steve looked at her thoughtfully.

“We still don’t have a lot of shrinks on staff upstate,” said Steve and Alison shook her head. _Oh where is this going and why don't I like it?_ thought Alison

“I barely finished my 3rd year," said Alison.

“We have people still learning upstate,” said Steve. “Sam didn’t tell you?”

“It hadn’t come up yet,” said Sam. _I was going to bring it up on Monday, but things didn’t go as planned._ They had scientist on staff still learning so why not their medical staff. Cho had pushed for a teaching program and starting this fall they would have a teaching medical center. Sam had always felt Alison had gotten a bad deal when the higher ups had kicked her out instead of the 'hands on' jackass who started it.

“No loans to take on,” said Steve and Alison looked at him confused. “We’ll let you do your 3rd year over.”

“Wow...um...are you offering me a job right now?” asked Alison. _Oh this night has reached a level of crazy that even Franklin couldn’t have thought up._

“He seems to trust you and you seem to know what you're doing,” said Steve.

“Just think we could be co-workers,” said Sam with a grin. Alison grabbed Sam’s arm.

“Can you give us a minute?” asked Alison pulling Sam down the hall and into a side room.

“Take your time,” called Steve as the door shut. He turned back and saw Bucky was still quiet and looking around the room. _What’s going on in there Buck?_ Maybe he was taking a huge leap here offering Alison a post with the Avengers, but she knew Sam and she had gotten his best friend to trust her. _Let her take the offer...I’m not sure how to get him to trust anyone else right now_.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“This is insanity. Pure and simple. I’m super flattered he thinks I know what I’m doing, but really?  Me? You have an unlimited budget. You can have Dr. Phil treating him tomorrow morning...well maybe not Dr. Phil because he is a terrible doctor. But at least he’s doctor with some sort of degree,” said Alison looking at Sam.

“I forgot how adorable you are during a freak out,” said Sam grinning. “The way your voice gets a little high pitched and your eyes get all wide. Super cute.”

“I wish I could punch you right now. All joking aside what he is suggesting is crazy and I know crazy. I studied it for three years and I lived with several different flavors of crazy till about ten months ago. I don’t know the first thing about James Barnes other than what history class taught us. That man needs serious help, a lot of it and he’s going to need it for a long time. What if I can’t do it?” _I don’t want to fail again_.

Her last term in nursing school had been a nightmare. She had to miss the fall term after the accident and her instructor that spring had been the worst person ever. Her GPA went from from a 4.0 to a 3.0 under him. One point kept her in the program and even than she a feeling that point was rounded up somewhere. She has passed by the grace of some higher power, but in her eyes it was a huge failure to fall that badly after so many years of work.

“You are a great nurse and if Captain America thinks you can do it then clearly he sees something in you that can’t see right now,” said Sam.

“Damn you and pep talk logic. Don’t you people have a background check process?  That is going to suck for me,” said Alison. She had half lied about the student loan issue, a background check would dig up everything and that was the last thing she needed. _Like how you punched your instructor when he wouldn’t keep his damn hands to himself. How it all spiraled out of control._

“I’ll take care of it. Just take the job Ally. You’re good at this and like I said he sees it in you and you’ve only known him about three hours tops. By the way, not cool sneaking him out of dinner.”

“Not cool not telling me you were bring The Star Spangled Man to dinner. I should still hit you for that,” she sighed and he gave her a hug.

“Just think we can have lunch together again,” teased Sam. Alison gave him a shove. “It’s going to be fine I promise.”

Alison and Sam came out the room and Steve looked at them. She looked pale and a little nervous coming up to him.

“So. Sam tells you guys have dental?” asked Alison.

“We also have 401K’s,” said Steve offering her a hand which she took and he shook it. “Thank you.”

“So he’s filthy and if we’re going to start this he needs a bath. Can we get him some clean clothes?” asked Alison.

“I’m sure we can find something,” said Sam. She reminded Steve of a Private about to go into their first warzone, that look of fear and determination.

“Let’s do this,” said Alison.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A few moments later Steve and Alison came in. Steve had been in here before and Bucky’s thoughts ran from joy to rage upon seeing him. _Steve...I missed you. Finish the mission. He’s not a mission, he’s your friend and you almost killed him._ He needed Steve to get away from him and he started screaming at him to leave. Steve left the room, but he could still see him. A few moments later Alison and another man came up to him. _He had wings before. He tried to shoot me...I kicked him off the helicarrier_. Steve and the man were talking when she came into the room.

Alison looked at him and Bucky was conflicted looking at her. He knew she wasn’t with Hydra and that she wanted to help him. It didn’t stop old thoughts of how other medics had treated him. _Held him down, needles, pain in his arm_. He knew better than to scream at the medics or handlers or else they would make it hurt more. So he stopped screaming.She put her hand on his chest and he looked up her. _Oh god don't be like the others, please don't touch me that way_.

“ Sergeant Barnes. I'm not going to hurt you. We had to restrain you to remove your arm remember? You also toss and turn a lot and I didn't want you ripping out your I.V. This isn't punishment. It's for your safety,” explained Alison calmly. She didn't talk to him the way other handlers or medical staff had talked to him in the past. It was calm but firm. Kind without overkill on the sweetness. It was in her eyes, she really didn’t want to hurt him. _What others do is out of her control. Steve won’t let anyone hurt you. You tried to kill him_. She kept looking at him and a frown crossed her face. She bent down and studied his arm.

“I have to put this back in and might hurt for second okay,” said Alison. She adjusted the line and retaped it down. It didn’t hurt nearly as bad as when other techs had done it. Other techs seemed to mess it up on purpose just to hurt him

“I’m going to talk to Steve and see about getting you cleaned up. Just relax and I’ll be back in a minute or two,” said Alison. She went out and he saw she was talking to Steve and the man with wings. She and the man with the wings went down the hall and Steve stood outside looking at him confused and sad. She and man with wings came back a minute or two later and talked with Steve. Steve shook her hand and he smiled at her. She looked at him and frowned. Steve followed her into the room and she went over to him.

“I'm going to take your I.V out and we're going to clean you up. You have to promise me though you won't try to run away once I let you out of bed.” She took the I.V out carefully and it didn’t hurt. Steve stood back and Bucky clenched his fist. Mission...finish the Mission. Not your Mission. Steve is our friend. He’s going to help us.

“Do you want any help?” asked Steve.

“Do you think you can get him to the bathroom for me. I can take it from there,” said Alison. _Maintenance....they repair your arm and shower you before and after missions_. She helped him up and Steve stepped forward to help him balance.

_“What happened to you?” asked Bucky has his once smaller friend half drug, half carried him out the lab._

_“I joined the Army,” he joked._

“Bathroom is down the hall,” said Steve. They went down the hall and it was different than the Hydra facilities. Normally it was just a room and handler with a hose. This was an actual bathroom with an enclosed glass shower and a tub with a shower attachment.  

“I'm thinking tub might be easier on both of us,” said Alison.

“Sure you don’t need the extra help?” asked Steve. _Oh god please no. You are the last person I want to see me naked. Bad enough this stranger is….oh wait don’t leave me alone with her. Do you know her?_

“I got this. It’s not the first time I’ve given a ninety year old guy a bath,’ she teased. “Could you find some clean sheets for the bed? No sense in doing this and then putting him back in a dirty bed.”

“Alright. I’ll be down the hall if you need anything. Don’t give her any trouble. She’s here to help you,” said Steve sternly leaving the room. She bent down and started filling the tub

“It's not too hot is it?” asked Alison fiddling with the taps. _Why does it matter if it’s too hot?_

“It's okay to talk to me. I'm not gonna hurt you.” _Oh I've heard that before._ She wanted his approval though and he put his hand in the water and was stunned that it was warm and that it was for him.

“I'll take that has a yes. Can you undress or...I'll do it.”  she said upon seeing him nearly fall over. God he couldn't even undress himself.  

“Still a bit light headed and off balance huh? Sit down,” he sat down and she took off his shoes and socks. She made a face and threw the socks away. _Wasteful_ , spoke up some voice in his head and she caught his disapproval.

“I won't throw anything else out. I'll see about washing it though.” She helped him back up and took off his pants. _If she touches me that way, I'll shove her in the tub and hold her down till she stops breathing._ She didn't though, she didn't seem interested in that at all. She looked him in the eyes and motioned towards the tub.

“Alright one foot at time. I don't need you slipping and breaking your neck on me,” said Alison and she smiled at him. He got in and sighed. _London...that was last time you had hot water for anything._ She had him cover the metal plate with a hand towel and started washing him.

“I don't want to get it wet just in case.” Compared to the handler with the hose this was almost heaven. She started washing his front and stopped. She was studying his left shoulder and she looked sad.

“Does it hurt?” asked Alison and she put her hand over the scars. It wasn’t the way others had touched them, prodding and hurting him. They seemed to distress her in a way he didn’t understand.

“Not anymore,” he said. _After a while you don’t feel it anymore._ A flush crossed her face and she went back to washing him.

“I'm going to wash your hair now. Make sure you don't have any lice?” said Alison and he shrugged. _Whatever you want to do_. She washed his hair, twice for some reason before she got a towel and helped him out the tub. She wrapped the towel around his waist and had him sit on the edge of the tub. She walked over to the counter and dug around until she found a hair brush.

“Just hold still. This is a real mess and I don’t wanna pull your hair,” said Alison. She actually took the time to brush his hair. Most handlers didn’t even bother with this until it was really bad and they didn’t care if they pulled his hair or not. There was a knock on the door and she told them to come in.  It was winged man and he thing of clothes.

“Can you take those to be washed?” she asked and the man made a face.

“I promised to not throw anything away. Just toss them in with sheets,” she said taking the clean clothes. He picked up the clothes and held them far away from his person before leaving the room.

“He can be such a baby,” she muttered. She finished brushing his hair and looked at him. “You need a shave in the worst way Grizzly Adams.” She took him over to the counter and had him stand in front of her so she could shave his face. Part of him was tempted to knock her out so he could try to get away. He didn’t trust himself to be near any of them. This was a mistake coming in looking for help.

Then again he was missing his left arm, they had taken it and he didn't know where it was or where he was. He had no choice but to stay here. Bucky looked down and noticed the necklace again, the dog tags and ring. _I had those once_.  He reached up and started rubbing the tags. _Pull the chain around her neck and choke her...get away,_ hissed some cold voice in his head. _She's been honest, she hasn't hurt us._

“I used to have these,” he said. He was stunned when she took off the tags, took her ring off the chain and handed him the tags.

“You wanna hold on to them for a bit while I finish?” she asked. She opened his hand and put the necklace in his hand. He rubbed them, feeling the cold metal in his hand. _When I couldn't sleep I would fiddle with them._

“I almost don't recognize you,” joked Alison when they had finished. Bucky turned towards the mirror and he almost didn't recognize himself. _You almost look like the man from the museum._ He was still feeling off balance so she helped him get dressed. She went to take the necklace back and he tightened his hand around them. “Guess I'll let you keep that a little longer.”

“I shouldn’t be here,” he muttered. “I tried to kill them.” _Run! Dear god get away from me._ She looked up at him and he did see a flash of fear in her eyes, but it quickly faded.

“It’s going to be okay now. You’re safe here,” said Alison. _Are you safe from me though?_ “Come on. Let’s get you back to bed.” She wrapped his arm around her waist and took him back down the hall. Steve was waiting and he gave her look.

“You could have told Friday you were done and I would helped you,” said Steve.

“Friday. Oh that thingy Tony was using?” asked Alison. A female voice spoke up from nowhere.

“I am not a thingy. I am a highly specialized computer program…”

“It won’t happen again,” said Steve shaking his head. Steve helped her get him back in bed and she went about finding another saline bag for him.

“Well you don’t look so much like a hobo anymore. We should see about cutting your hair though,” said Steve.

 _It’s kind of cute long_ , thought Alison and quickly shook her head. _Unprofessional much_.  She sat down and started looking for a vein. Upon finding one she stuck him and hooked the bag to a pole.

“Two more should take care of the dehydration. We’ll see about a meal later,” said Alison patting his arm. _Snap her neck, it would be so quick she wouldn’t even feel it...Steve how do I fight him again. Shut up...shut up...shut up_ , thought Bucky

“I’m going to go downstairs and take care of something. Steve is going to stay with you,” said Alison getting ready to go. _Georgina always left when she was done. She was the only nice one._

“You stay,” said Bucky looking at her. Alison looked at Steve and he nodded. She took a seat near him. Bucky nodded and closed his eyes and felt exhaustion take over. _London...there was always hot water in London._

_“Sergeant Barnes...I humble request permission to marry your sister when the war is over,” said Dugan taking a bite of the cookies Rebecca had sent. They were a little stale, but it was the best part of New Year's Eve so far other than the brandy Stark had got them. There were sitting in the remains of the bar they liked in London eating snickerdoodles and drinking. It had been bombed out while they were away blowing up a Hydra base. Thankfully his death notice hadn't gone out to Becca and his packages were being re-routed from Italy to London. He had just sent her a letter telling her about Steve-aka Captain America and the other Howling Commandos._

_“Permission denied,” said Bucky and everyone laughed._

_“I promise to take really good care of her if she bakes likes this,” said Dugan._

_“You come near my sister I will burn your hat while it's on your head,” said Bucky. Dugan looked wounded._

_“You are a mean son of bitch sir,” said Dugan. Gabe took a cookie and passed it to Dernier who started talking a mile in minute in French and all Bucky could make out was chocolate and crepe._

_“Before the war, Dernier said his wife and little girl would get up on Sunday mornings and make chocolate and berry crepes. He just got a letter from his daughter asking if they could make them again once he got home,” explained Gabe. Dernier had lost his wife during a raid on their village while Dernier was at the front. His little girl was living in a orphanage until he came back, she had been spared because she had been in school during the attack._

_“He wants your sister's recipe for his little girl,” said Gabe._

_“I'll let her know,” said Bucky. She must have cashed in all her sugar ration coupons for this. He and Steve were going to treat her to a night on the town when they got home. Steak, wine, dancing the whole nine yards. They might actually get Steve to dance this time. Steve sat down and took a cookie out of the tin._

_“We're to be ready to go in 72 hours for the next attack,” said Steve._

_“Good. Assholes blew up my bar and I want payback,” said Morita taking another swig of brandy. He was terrible at drinking, but it was worth the show._

_“It wasn't your bar,” said Falsworth taking a swig of gin he had stashed away._

_“I loved it the way Dum-Dum loves Sarge's sister,” said Morita gesturing wildly and falling off the broken stool. Everyone nearly fell off theirs from laughing so hard._

_“Clearly someone had too much,” said Agent Carter coming in and nudging a passed out Morita with her shoe. “Pour a lady a drink please.” She pulled up her own less broken stool and sat down._

_“Slumming it with the grunts Agent?” asked Falsworth pouring her some gin which she took_

_“I hate drinking alone or with Stark. It's the holidays so it's just Peggy tonight. Happy New Years chaps,” said Peggy downing her gin._

_“Happy New Year,” they all said as a clock went off for midnight. Steve offered Peggy a cookie and they both turned a slight shade of pink when their hands touched. Bucky finished his brandy and made a mental note to send Becca a letter about Steve's new girlfriend._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alberto Vargas was a painter of pin up girls that appeared in Esquire magazine during the 40's. American and Allied aircraft nose art was inspired by his work. I could easily see Bucky and Steve losing their minds once they realized who Rebecca agreed to pose for and where it was going. ^-^. If you don't know who Bettie Page *sigh-where have you been?* And please watch Bettie Page Reveals All. It should still be on Netflix Instant Watch and is great documentary about women and sex in the 50's. I think Bucky would have been torn about letting her model that way or hanging out with Bettie Page.
> 
> Most nursing programs I looked up required a 3.0 at minimum.


	4. Black coffee in bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A special guest appearance by Pepper Potts and Ant Man spoilers....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for H.P Lovecraft's The Colour Out of Space.  
> Spoilers for Flowers for Algernon
> 
> Yes I know the books are over 20+ years old, but you never know who will whine...^-^
> 
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“So we’re just hiring anyone now?” asked Tony sitting down the soldering iron. Steve was putting together a tablet together for Alison about Bucky. She asked for his Army records and for all the Hydra notes. She explained that she needed the files if she was going to figure out how to treat him.

“You know most guys wait till the third date before they offer a girl a job,” said Tony. “Though I will admit she is kind of cute. You put her in one of those 1940’s nurse outfit and you might have something. I think I have one that Pepper refused to wear,” Steve rolled his eyes and finished getting the files on the tablet.

“One-We weren’t on a date. Two-We’ve been talking about getting more mental health professionals on staff anyway and this one sort fell into our lap. Three-I don’t ever want to know what you and Pepper do in your free time or who wears what,” said Steve.

“Fair enough. Still are you really sure you want to trust someone you just met to take care of your oldest friend? Look she seems like she has that weird nice person disease, but does she really understand what she's getting into? And what if she changes her mind and wants out? Are you going to be ok with her up and dumping you with a guy who tried to kill you last year?” asked Tony he pushed the arm aside. Rogers seemed to not be thinking with his head on, then again he brought Sam Wilson into the fold after two meetings. Steve seemed to take people for who they were on the surface, unlike Tony who had to spend years making up his mind about people. _Well not Bruce. That guy was awesome from the word Go_.

“The fact that she seemed nervous to take it means something. Most people would have just jumped and not looked. She looked and it scared her a little. You would have to be an idiot to not be scared of this job. It scared her and she still said yes,” said Steve.

“It has nothing to do with the fact your friend reached out to her and didn’t want her to leave the room? Telling you-1940 nurse outfit, might bring him around?”

“I owe Bucky a lot and if he trusts her than I have to go on that too,” said Steve. “How long till you get that working?” Tony looked at the arm and shrugged.

“Couple of days. I’m trying to recover some of the data from the non fried chips. I want to see how they programmed it and what’s on them. I have to rebuild most of the inside from scratch though. It’s a little impressive for 1970’s technology. Well the shell is the 70’s. Based on the notes I did read he get an upgrade in 2000’s for the inside. The programing increased the speed of movement in the arm-the nerves and wires connected better improving the function . I would like to do some upgrades,,,”

“No upgrades,” said Steve.

“Fine. No one ever lets me have fun...build one insane killer A.I,” muttered Tony going to look for some computer chips and wires.

“Sam’s wings?” asked Steve.

“About the same. So someone shrunk down and tore it apart from the inside. Huh. Did you ever hear of Hank Pym?” asked Tony.

“Founder of Pym Tech? Next to your company they have the best tech in the world,” said Steve.

“Oh you flatter us. My dad knew Hank Pym and they worked together on a few projects for SHIELD. Had a nasty falling out. Pym was rumored to have created a particle that could reduce matter. Considering whoever this was broke into an old Stark plant, stole something my old man left lying around and turned into a little buggy. I smell bitter old man. You might want to have someone look into it? Agent 13 free?” asked Tony.

“Sam is chomping at the bit to find his guy,” said Steve.

“Ah wounded pride cometh after having our ass kicked,” said Tony and even Steve smiled.

“We’ll look into it,” said Steve. He turned to head up when Tony called out.

“I’m going to assume you want a background check of our newest hire.”

“Sam vouched for her. It’s going to be ok. You might want to try trusting people once in a while,” said Steve leaving the lab. Tony shrugged, he would do the check himself when he had free time. _Yeah I trusted the guy who helped run my company, taught me some of what I know and then he hired terrorists to kill me. When that didn’t work he tried to do it himself and he tried to kill Pepper. Sorry Cap one of us has to play bad guy._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Do I have to call him Bucky?” asked Alison and Sam sort of laughed.

“That is an unfortunate nickname,” said Sam.

“It’s that stupid cartoon. All I hear when I hear Bucky is that theme song and it’s killing me,” said Alison.

“I don’t think he would mind you calling him James. Hell I think the guy would like to be called by any name other than ‘The Asset’,” said Sam.

“Geez,” said Alison curling up in the chair.

“I’m going to warn you those files are heavy reading. I barely got through half of the notes. Steve read them all and was in mood for nearly two weeks,” said Sam.

“You are aware I already took the job and have to do this. Oh I have to quit my other job now,” said Alison. _I’m submitting my notice to join the Avengers. Bet that’s a new one_. Steve came up and handed the tablet.

“Everything you asked for,”

“Thanks. Um if you feel up to it I would like to talk you about James. Personal stuff. What he was like before the war,” said Alison.

“The only other people I heard call him James were his sister and mother. Whenever you finish reading we’ll talk,” said Steve. She nodded and pulled up the first file, his enlistment record. Start easy.

“Come on. You need some air,” said Sam and he took Steve out for a walk. They were gone for an hour and when Steve came back he found her still reading the tablet. The look on her face was one of rage and shock. He came and sat down with Bucky. She didn’t look up while she read on.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It took until three am to read all the files on the tablet and her eyes burned when she was done. Alison reached over and took his hand without thinking. James started talking in his sleep and she guessed it was Russian. Before the 'project' he spoke English, some decent German and a few words in French. Now he could speak at least six different languages without thought. _Because understanding how to say 'Kill Boy' in one language wasn't enough._

She could see how he would be the perfect fit for what they wanted him to do. Based on his Army file he was a quick study, one of the best marksmen in the 107 and was quick with tactics under stress. Making him a Sergeant before he shipped out was no brainier. If he finished his tour and chosen to stay in the Army he would easily have been offered a Staff Sergeant post and worked his way up quickly from there. However there was note that he finished high school, but hadn't considered higher education due to the costs. I wonder what he would have studied. Her own grandfather had gone to college and studied music much to the mocking of some of his fellow Marines when he came home. He taught jazz band until she went to college. _We used to have drum battles on Friday nights in the basement. Bought me own set after dad left._

She looked over at where his left arm used to be and a chill went up her spine. How they went about attaching his arm was the stuff Saw films were made of. He had lost his most of his arm-to the elbow when they found him. However they felt the need to remove more, almost to the shoulder for really no medical reason, they did it because they could.

In 1948 they started trying to figure out how to make the arm attach and work properly. The scars were from several failed attempts at getting the arm stay on. That was when the base went in, attaching the base to some of the nerves left in arm and shoulder helped, when the arm was on the wires went to the base and that connected to the nerves so it functioned like an arm should. They also did some rebuilding of the muscle on his left side to help support the weight of the new limb. They did this over and over until it finally worked. That was on top of torture-beatings, brainwashing, shock treats, starvation, sleep deprivation, light deprivation on top of non stop training until finally in 1951 they froze him.

“Brought you some coffee,” said Steve hanging her a mug. She let go of James’s hand and took the mug. It was black, but she would deal. _Grandpa doesn't believe in cream and sugar either. Must be a 40's thing._

"To think I thought _Flowers for Algernon_ was the most depressing thing I would ever read,” said Alison trying to joke.

“Flowers for Algernon?” asked Steve.

“You haven't seen the movie _Charly_?” asked Alison and then she felt very stupid. The movie came out in the late 60's. He was probably still working through a lot of pop culture from now. It must have shown on her face and Steve shrugged.

“I still haven't seen Titanic. I'm going to guess it's a huge downer,” said Steve sitting down with his own coffee.

“Flowers for Algernon is about a mentally challenged guy named  Charlie. He gets put into an experiment to make him smarter. They did it before on a mouse named Algernon and they give him to Charlie as a pet. The experiment worked on Charlie too. Only afterwards he realizes everyone in his life is kind of shitty and he loses everyone he thought cared about him. It turns out though the experiment only works for awhile, then you go back to the way you were before and then you die. Algernon goes first and Charlie's last wish before he goes back to the way he was and dies is that someone puts flowers on Algernon's grave. I cried for a good hour after I finished it.”

“And Bucky's story?” asked Steve.

“I got so mad at points I wanted to throw up,” said Alison toying with her mug.

“I broke six punching bags by the time I was finished,” admitted Steve looking into his coffee.

“What was he like before the war?” asked Alison. Steve leaned back in his chair and gathered his thoughts.

“We knew each other from the time we were babies. Our families lived right next to each other. My dad died right before the end of the 1st World War and his dad just took off after Becca was born. Bucky never like to talk about it, but since my mom was a nurse and she patched up Mrs. Barnes more often than not it wasn't hard to figure out what was going on. We sort of pulled our families together after that. He looked out for me and Becca....stopped people from turning me in gravel more often than I care to count.  Scared every guy in the neighborhood from even looking at Becca. He would have quit school to get a job if his mom would have let him when money got tight, but she said she didn't come to America to have her son be uneducated Irish men. He did work before school and after though to help make ends meet. He was thinking about going to college when they found out his mom had cancer. She lasted about six months and left him with a fourteen year old sister. My mom died about a year later and we all shared a two bedroom apartment after that. It just made sense and well we were family. Bucky enlisted right after Pearl Harbor, there really wasn't any thought behind it. It was just something you did,” said Steve.

“My grandfather waited two weeks before enlisting. Became one of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children,”

“Marines. I'm guessing he served in the Pacific Theater than,” said Steve. Alison nodded.

“Shipped out in 42 and saw his action in Guadalcanal before going to Japan. I'm not sure how much I can repeat about what him and his Marine buddies said about you Army boys,” teased Alison.

“An Army Captain and his platoon were on patrol and saw a Marine sitting on a hill. The Captain orders men up the hill by ones and two to take the hill from the the Marine. The all come back with crap kicked out of them. The last man reports that it was trap. The hill had two Marines ”said Steve.

“There was also one about they teach you not to pee on you hands in the Marines,” said Alison getting a small smile from Steve

“Is that where you got the dog tags? I was gonna ask earlier, but I got sidetracked,” admitted Steve. He noticed earlier she was wearing a set of dog tags with a small diamond ring on them. He noticed Bucky was now holding the dog tags for dear life. He also noticed the ring that had been on them was on her left hand now. _Long relationship huh? Not my place to ask about that right now._

“ They were my father’s. He was Air Force. He didn't talk about his time the way my grandfather does. Then again I was really young so I wouldn't have understood it at the time,” said Alison looking at her coffee.

Based on her tense he was going to assume her father had passed on. He did want to get to know her and he figured her work choice might be a safe bet.

“So why did you go into nursing? Family thing?” asked Steve. Alison thought about it and if he was going to trust her as a nurse she should tell him her reasoning behind it.

“Well yes and no. No one else in the family is a nurse, but they did influence my choices. My mom was sick until I was about five so it was always sort of hard to see her, but the nurses who looked after her were the best people and they were always really nice to me. The psychiatric part of it comes from how my dad and grandfather handled their time in the war. I love my grandfather, but he had some real temper issues when my dad was kid. If there had been any other family I wouldn't have gone to stay with him, but it was the only option my dad had. I think old age and the fact that I was a girl mellowed him a bit when I was growing up. “Alison took a sip of her coffee before going on.

“My dad on the other hand simply shut down, he just stopped caring about everything. I went to school one day, he decided to go for a walk and he never came back.”

Alison hated to admit she had walked a very fine line between the way her grandfather and father acted under stress. At first she had tried to power through the way her grandfather had and then she shut down the way her father had.

“You wanted to know why they acted the way they did,” said Steve. Alison nodded and decided to turn the conversation back to James.

“What else can you tell me about James?” Steve gave a smile grin.

“He liked science. The night before he shipped out we went to Stark's future expo. Saw a hover car. I'm still a bit disappointed that we don't have hover cars,” said Steve

“Would he have gone to school for science or something like after his tour?” asked Alison.

“Maybe. He did like machines. When Howard was trying to figure out the Hydra tech Bucky was more interested than anyone else. He and Howard would talk for hours about how everything worked,” said Steve.

“Hobbies?” asked Alison.

“He liked sci fi and horror stories. When the pulp magazines came out on Friday he would get them first thing, it was the one thing he would get for himself. He really liked some guy named Lovecraft,” said Steve.

“H.P Lovecraft,” said Alison. She liked his stuff too, even though it was a bit racist and sexist at times it gave her a good jolt.

“It's nice to have someone get a reference I make,” said Steve.

“Actually you would be surprised how popular Lovecraft is among geeks and horror nerds,” said Alison.

“He liked dancing. He took a new girl dancing every Friday and Saturday night. It got a little old at times hearing him brag,” said Steve. Alison could see it, James was a good looking guy from his war photos and well he wasn’t to shabby to look at now in her unprofessional opinion. She imagined he could be quite the charmer.

“No one special?” asked Alison.

“Too many to count,” said Steve.

“Shut up,” muttered James with his eyes closed. Alison motioned for the door and they headed out to talk.

“So I was thinking about different treatment methods. Exposure therapy is normally used get people over fears and phobias. You make them face the thing causing their stress, deal with the memories that come up with it and the feelings they cause. In his case I really don’t wanna bring in an electric chair in and tell him to not scared of it. We might have some use with it though. Instead of something that would scare him, maybe something that would cause good memories to surface. Books, music, people he knew. Does anyone alive other than you he would know and you would be alright bring in?” asked Alison.

“His sister. I haven’t told her he’s alive though. She’s 91 years old and I’m not sure how to break this too her.  Peggy Carter is still alive, but the Alzheimer’s makes it sort of hard,” admitted Steve. “I can get you a list of all the music and books he liked. It’s a starting pointing.”

Alison nodded and leaned on the wall. She hated being the bearer of bad news, but she had feeling Steve would want her to be honest about James’s condition.

“From what I read they spent years taking away all his free will, his identity, any sense of self. The first step is trying to find him again. Letting him know he does have choices, that he’s a person with wants and feelings and it’s ok to have those. The bath this evening, he seemed shocked that I asked him if the temperature was ok. It honestly did not dawn on me until just now that he didn’t know he could tell me he didn’t like it. It’s the most basic thing and we don’t think about it. We like something or we don’t. He doesn’t understand that now. We have to reteach him that. He’s sort of started communicating wants. Very basic ones,” said Alison.

“Like get out or shut up?” asked Steve looking like someone had kicked him.

“I know it sucks, but it’s probably the first time in years he’s asked for something and someone is doing it. This isn’t going to be an easy fix. This could take years to undo and there might be setbacks, but he’s really lucky to have you as friend,” said Alison. _And hopefully I live up to what you think I can do._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

_What are they doing?_ thought Bucky. She and Steve had been talking, they had been talking about him and Steve kept asking about her life. _Do you know her at all?_ It was getting annoyed and he wanted some quiet. He told them to shut up and they both left the room without another word. Don’t talk back to them. He had a feeling they were close by and watching him. He started mulling over what he had heard. I enlisted...we had a fight...but she came to see me when I finished Basic. My sister. Steve couldn’t come because it was far too cold in Wisconsin. I had sister

_She threw her arms around him the second she saw him and he hugged her back just as hard. It had only been fourteen weeks, but it felt like a lifetime ago._

_“You look horrible,” she told him looking at his hair and frowning. “That short look is terrible on you. Tell me you can grow it back.”_

_“It’s going to grow back. I’m a Sergeant so I can let it grow back.” She took a step back and looked him._

_“The uniform looks good on you though. God girls are just going to fling themselves at you more so than they do now and with less self respect,” she teased._

Did girls throw themselves at him, it was hard to remember. Well sometimes flashes would come back. _Kissing a girl while the band played something slow. Telling her to be quiet or she would wake his sister and his friend up._

 _Someone holding him down, someone was inside him and stroking him at the same time, making it hurt. Pleading for it to stop. Laughter. They were laughing at how much it hurt him_. He started screaming and seconds later Alison and Steve were back in the room.

“Bucky?” asked Steve and he went to put a hand on his friend’s arm.

“Don’t touch me!” spat Bucky. Alison got a damp rag to wipe the sweat off his brow and he looked at her confused.

“You aren’t her,” he muttered and he dozed back off. Alison looked at Steve and remembered something from earlier.

“Did he know someone named Georgina? He kept calling me Georgina this evening when he was in and out,” said Alison.

“I don’t know. He never mentioned anyone special,” said Steve. Alison shook her head. The way he said the name Georgina meant something. Maybe he had someone special after all.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Georgina was next to him with a cold cloth on his forehead when he came too._

_"Why won't they let me die Georgie?" asked Bucky._

_"Don't say my name," she hissed and wiped his brow. He caught her hand with his and squeezed._

_"Stay with me," pleaded Bucky. She cast a scared glance at the door and quickly kissed him on the mouth. It was his first kiss in he didn't know how long. She was shaking when she pulled away from him._

_"Don't die, don't say my name and I'll stay as long as they'll let me," said Georgina. He gave her a smile and kissed her hand._

_"Deal."_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Bucky couldn't remember drifting off to sleep again, however he woke up to the smell bacon and coffee. He opened his eyes and saw a breakfast tray in front of him that also had eggs over easy and toast. He was also free of his restraints and Alison looked at him.

“Oh good now I don't have to wake you up. Are you hungry?”  

Yes he was and based on the food in front of him he had permission to eat. He sat up and started to shovel the eggs in without comment.

“I will take that has a yes.” She started on her own breakfast, two plain bagel with Nutella on them. She had barely finished her first bagel when he finished his breakfast. She caught him eyeing her bagel and looking away quickly when noticed him looking at it. She worried about feeding him too much too quickly and getting sick. She knew though he wouldn’t ask for more even if he wanted some. _Baby steps_.

“Do you want try it?” She placed half of her second bagel on his plate without waiting. “It's chocolate and hazelnuts.” He took a bite and then finished it in two more bites. She finished her other half and sipped her coffee. _What is she doing here?_ thought Bucky. He wasn't used to eating with his handlers or well anyone for that matter. He got a meal before his mission, sometimes something after if he exceeded what they wanted from him and then back to sleep.

“I want to wait and see if that all stays down before giving you any more food. If you want something else you have to ask. How are you feeling this morning?” He just looked at her and she shook her head.   _Get him talking. Something_ , thought Alison. She noticed he glanced at the spot where his arm used to be and sensed an opening.

“Tony's still working on your arm. It was fried and he has to rebuild it so it might take awhile for him to get it working again. Tony is the son of Howard Stark. Do you remember him? Howard Stark.” _The car didn’t have wheels and it floated above the ground. Holy cow, he thought until it sparked and crashed to the ground. The girls wanted to go dancing. Becca was going to meet them at the dance hall. Maybe she could get Steve to dance, this blonde was being a bit rude to Steve. The man with the car looked embarrassed and told them it would be a couple of years_

He didn’t say anything and Alison tried a different line of conversation. The man had missed seventy plus years of his life. A little filling in might trigger something.

“I imagine you might have some questions about what happened after you fell. We’ll start slow ok. Steve and the others did catch Zola and he gave up where the last Hydra base was in exchange for not being executed. They raided the base and discovered Schmidt had made air carriers capable of bombing the entire east coast. Most the planes were taken down, but Steve had to crash the last one before it reached New York. He spent the last several decades frozen as well, they didn’t find him until 2012,” explained Alison. She watched him for reaction and the only time he reacted was when Zola’s name was mentioned. His right hand turned into a fist and he was shaking slightly.

“Where is he?”

“Steve?”

“Zola,” he almost spat the name out.

“He died in the 70’s. Lung cancer.”

“Hope he’s rotting,” muttered Bucky and he got the hard look in his eyes. _There isn’t a pit in hell deep enough for him_. Little did he know Alison was having the same train of thought, _Monster. I hope they made a new level just for him_.

“A few months after Hydra went down the rest of the Axis followed. Hitler took himself out and Japan was defeated after we dropped two nuclear bombs on them,” said Alison.

“Why are you telling me this?” asked Bucky. _Do I need to know this? Is it for mission. There are no more missions. What are we going to do than?_

“Because you have the right to know what’s happened in the world while you were away,” said Alison. “Do you have any questions for me right now?” _Come on...take the bait. Ask a question. Any question,_ thought Alison.

He was angry with her and he couldn’t figure out why. He wasn’t away, he had been a weapon, a puppet and she was treating him like… _A person. You are my weapon, spoke some voice in his mind_.

“Why did you bring me here?” His hand was still in a fist and he wouldn’t look at her. Alison on the other hand wanted to dance. The tone was rude, his body language hostile, but he had asked a question about his own person.

“Your arm was shorting out and it was sending electrical shocks to your heart. We needed to get it off and well my knowledge on that was rather limited. Steve called Tony since he was the only one who could do it,” said Alison. _Come on...ask another one._

“What happens when I get my arm back?” asked Bucky. _Please no more mission...no more wipes and prepping. What do you with a weapon that doesn’t function though?_

She was damn near giddy. He’s thinking of himself. Holy crap there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

“There is a place in upstate New York where we’ll work on getting you better,” said Alison. Steve explained that the Avenger Headquarters in upstate New York would be the best place to work with James. It was out of the city and had a full team of medical staff that could help her if she needed it. Steve was going to have a talk with the medical staff to explain the situation and set up rooms for them.

She was supposed to be with him around the clock, unless she sleeping, using the bathroom or on Sundays. She set a hard line about that. She saw her grandfather on Sundays. She didn’t care what was going on, that was the last family member she had and she was going to see him. _And might not have much longer._ Steve told her she could start classes with the other medical staff in the fall. That was a good thing she needed to brush up anyway. She pushed the thought away and turned her attention back to James. He had zoned out. The lights were on, but no one was home.

“James?” she reached over and took his hand. “James?”  It was a few minutes before he came back and he pulled his hand away from her.

“Don’t touch me,” said Bucky. Some part of him was waiting for her to lash out. _The weapon doesn’t have wants_. She was the one in charge and was making the decisions for him. Instead she nodded, held up her hands in a surrender gesture and put her hands in her lap.

“Alright. I won’t touch you unless I have too,” said Alison. What is her deal? She’s in charge, not me. The weapon does not have wants or needs. It does what I tell it. Now he looked beyond confused and wouldn’t meet her gaze. _She’s treating you like a person Bucky, maybe she’s really trying to help you. Let’s see if she can_. Maybe she could clear up something for him that had been bothering him since the carrier went down and to confirm what he heard last night

“Did I really have a sister?”

“You have a younger sister. Her name is Rebecca,” said Alison and his face relaxed.

   “She was real. I thought they put her in my head...I promised to come home and I lied to her.” He looked so sad and broken in that moment it was all Alison could do to not reach over and hug him. She had read about the beatings and abuse he had suffered and wondered if they had left a few methods out of the file. He really didn’t like to be touched when he was aware of it and she hated to think what that could mean. _Bastards for doing this to him_. She wouldn’t touch him unless she needed to or he asked her too. He’s had enough hands on him for one lifetime.

    “You didn’t lie James. They took you away from her and everyone else. You should have been sent home after the war ended, instead you were made a POW and badly abused amongst other things,” said Alison barely holding her temper. He looked at her now and she couldn’t make out his expression.

“Why do you care?” he asked. _She’ll be like the others. Watch and wait, she’ll use us like the tool we are. She just wants us to trust her so she can use us...shut up. Shut up. Shut up!_

“Because it’s what decent people do.”  Now he looked stunned and turned away. _What are decent people other than missions to be handled? You used to be decent once and now you are the weapon._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

**  
  
**

“It’s like the world’s most awkward coffee date,” said Sam. He and Steve were watching Alison and Barnes talk to each other.from a computer in the kitchen. I _should tell Sophia she went on a date after all_ , thought Sam.

“He won’t look at her for long,” said Steve watching her give Bucky her bagel.

“He probably wasn’t allow to look anyone in the eye unless taking an order. She’s not ordering him,” said Sam. They couldn’t hear what was going on, that was on Alison’s request. She wanted he told her to be private the way it was between a real shrink and patient. Steve had been against it, but she asked how he would feel if Bucky knew something that Steve really wanted to keep to himself. When he was ready he would tell Steve, until such time it was private.

“He just zoned out,” said Steve. Sam watched as Barnes shut down and Alison took his hand. He was out for a good five minutes before pulling his hand away and snapping at her. She held up her hands and put them in her lap. Barnes looked at her puzzled and went back to staring at the wall for awhile before asking her something. Whatever her answer was made him smile for a second.

“That’s him. That’s Bucky,” said Steve more to himself and Sam understood him. For that second he saw his friend again, it was how Sam felt watching Ally work. The smile faltered and Barnes looked broken again. They talked for a bit more and he actually looked in her eye at one point. She got up and grabbed their breakfast plates before leaving the room. She pointed at the restraints, but didn’t engage them and he looked at her surprised. She left the room and Barnes swung his legs over the edge of the bed and just sat. A few moments later Alison came in and sat the dishes in the sink.

“Well that was fun. He’s not very chatty. A bit on the hostile side when it came to filling in him on what happened after his ‘death’. He seemed really happy to know his sister wasn’t something they put in his head though. So we can assume that it’s not just you he remembers from his past,” said Alison getting some juice.

“What did you tell him about the restraints?” asked Steve.

“That I was only going to be gone for a few minutes and I didn’t see the need to use them. Whatever past dealings he’s had with people in the ‘medical profession’ have been abusive and controlling. I would like work on undoing that,” said Alison.

“Well you got him to talk a little, that’s something,” said Steve.

“Baby steps. Did you get my stuff?” asked Alison.

“Here,” said Sam handing her a duffle bag.

“Thanks,” said Alison. She had given Sam a list of some things she would need while staying here. She knew she was going to have to pack of few more things before the move upstate, but this should get her through the next few days.

“Did you get the books I asked for?” asked Alison. She knew there would be a few Lovecraft stories they would have to skip over for the time being, like Cool Air or ReAnimator, but she was hopeful something would jog in his mind.

“Yes I got your scary story book and your Harry Potter,” said Sam. _Why not bring him something new_ , thought Alison.

“The other thing I asked for.” asked Alison referring to her medication.

“In the side pocket,” said Sam.

“You are the best,” said Alison.

“You know we really need to talk about your current under garment collection. You really should get some of those cute matching sets for dates. And really...why do you have a green bra with purple polka dots?” teased Sam and Steve shook his head.

“It’s a sad state of affairs that you are the first guy to get anywhere near my drawers in almost three years,” said Alison rolling her eyes.

She was going to head back upstairs when Tony and a tall, strawberry blond woman entered the room. Despite it being a little after 8 am on Saturday the woman was dressed in a black dress suit that would have cost Alison two whole paycheck. She was also wearing needle thin black heels and holding a large stack of papers. _Why put your feet in such torture chambers so early in the morning?_ She came over to Alison and held out her hand.

“Pepper Potts. Welcome to the team. Tony called to talk about you on the plane ride here. It’s nice to see you a normal person here for once,” said Pepper.

“What did he say?” asked Alison nervous.

“Oh that you insulted Friday by calling her a ‘thingy’. He’s very sensitive about that. When I first got hired in I called Jarvis an answer service by mistake,” said Pepper.

“If you hadn’t been so cute I would have fired you,” said Tony. _Oh I might like you yet_ , thought Alison looking at Pepper as she gave Tony a humoring smile. Pepper handed Alison the stack of papers.

“The paperwork for joining can be a little annoying. We need high school and college transcripts, former employment questionnaire, and references. We’ll need to schedule you for psych evaluation. Can you take a drug test this morning?” asked Pepper.

“I guess. I did a psych evaluation a few months ago to get my last job. Can I give you those results?” asked Alison. _Oh psych test. I haven’t had one of those in ten months. Yeah,_ thought Alison.

“You forgot the lie detector,” said Tony.

“No I didn’t. We don’t do the lie detector anymore,” said Pepper still smiling, but her tone taking a warning edge.

“But I got a new one,” said Tony.

“We don’t do those anymore because of the pending lawsuit and I really don’t like the ACLU. Thank you so much for sticking me with that,” said Pepper her tone getting more annoyed while her smile got wider. Alison looked over at Sam and Steve who simply looked bored. _So this happens a lot,_ thought Alison

“I can take the drug test now and I’ll give you the old test results this week,” said Alison. Pepper sent her a genuine smile.

“Good. That makes my life a little easier,” said Pepper.

“And I don’t?” asked Tony. Pepper sighed.

“You make my life wonderful and I love you so much. If you really loved me though there will be no more ACLU lawsuits,” said Pepper.

“Fine. I get rid of the new one. I’m really disappointed though. It was CIA approved,” said Tony. Pepper shook her head and motioned for Alison to follow her. They left the room and Steve looked at Tony.

“You aren’t going to get rid of it are you?” asked Steve.

“I spent good money on it and it’s staying here until they rule against me,” said Tony.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“I’m sorry about Tony he can ….” started Pepper.

“Have trust issues,” suggested Alison.

“Can you fit him in around Sergeant Barnes? He’s gone through too many shrinks to count. On both coasts,” pleaded Pepper. _I do like you,_ thought Pepper. It was nice to have some normal here among all the superheroes for once.

“I would rather deal with the brainwashed former assassin than take Tony Stark on as a patient. He has some issues other than trust?” asked Alison and Pepper laughed.

“That is barely skimming the surface. I do love him, but he can be a bit overzealous when it comes to looking out for the team,” said Pepper. _That episode with Ultron for example,_ thought Pepper. They got back to the med center where James hadn’t moved from where he was sitting.

“Hold on,” said Alison. She pulled a book out of her bag. “James. James this is Pepper. Pepper this is James. She’s gonna be here for a little bit helping me with something. I did bring you something though.” She put the book in his hands. “I heard you really like Lovecraft.” He just looked blankly at the book and Pepper felt a wave of pity for the man sitting there. He looked like a child who didn’t know what to do next.

“Why don’t you give it a try and I’ll be back in few minutes,” said Alison in the perkiest voice Pepper had ever heard this early in the morning. They went into the lab area and shut the door.

“Wow...he’s really in bad shape isn’t he?” asked Pepper.

“That’s barely skimming the surface,” said Alison taking the paperwork. List any medications you are currently taking. Alison wrote down she was on birth control and Paxil. Pepper looked and shrugged.

“I tried Paxil for a few months. It made my stomach hurt. I found Zoloft to work better,”

“Ah Zoloft made me too fuzzy in the head and made the anxiety worse,” admitted Alison.

“Don’t tell Tony I take anything he would have a cow...even though he is one of the main reasons I’m anxious 98 percent of the time,” teased Pepper.

“Why so anxious? Just because your boyfriend is a superhero, mad scientist, billionaire is no reason to be twitchy,” said Alison. Pepper handed her a cup and Alison took it the bathroom. Pepper looked out to see James still hadn’t moved. She came back and sat the cup on the counter.

“Friday I need a drug screening,” called Pepper and the sample went into a scanner.

“Results in twenty minutes,” said Friday.

“Send them to my phone,” said Pepper. “It was nice to meet you and I’ll be here on and off this week for meetings. Just give Steve the paperwork and he’ll give it to me to process. Good luck.”

“Thanks,” said Alison. They went back into the main room where Alison went right over to James and got him settled back into bed since he hadn’t moved and took the book from him.

“Do you want me to read it to you?” asked Alison settling into a chair. “ The Colour Out of Space is my favorite and it’s the first story in here.” Pepper stood outside for a few minutes and watched them. He seemed in a daze and not sure what he was doing, he kept giving her these side long glances like he was trying to figure out something. _Poor guy_.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“It is not because of anything that can be seen or heard or handled, but because of something that is imagined. The place is not for imagination, and does not bring restful dreams at night. It must be this which keeps the foreigners away, for old Ammi Pierce has never told them of anything he recalls from the strange days….” Bucky listened to her read and it felt like something was coming to the surface. Some part of him wanted her to shut up, but another part wanted her to keep reading. Something about it seemed familiar.

_He was supposed to be asleep, but he really wanted to finish the story. He had just picked up the new issue of Amazing Stories from Mr. Harkon shop and this one was really good. The Colour Out of Space. A meteorite fell on this farm near Arkham and everything was going weird on the farm since.  The farmer's wife had just been locked in the attic for going crazy. His mother opened the door and sighed._

_“James Buchanan Barnes! You are going to ruin your eyes reading in the dark and it’s past your bedtime. Give me the magazine  you can have it in the morning.”_

_“Mama. Just two more pages please,” he pleaded. She held out her hand and he handed her the magazine. She gave him a kiss on the forehead._

_“Now go to sleep.” she left the room shutting the door behind her._

“It was just a colour nothing more,” whispered Bucky. She paused looking at him carefully.

“Do you want to read it?” asked Alison.

“You read it,” said Bucky. She went on and he interrupted again.

“You like this too?” asked Bucky. _You told Steve you like Lovecraft last night_.

“I do. This one is my favorite of all the Lovecraft stories,” said Alison.

“Why?”

“It’s different than the other ones. It’s more sad than scary. Do you remember what happens?” asked Alison, mentally crossing her fingers.

“The whole family goes insane and dies. The farm burns...blasted heath….Ammi sees something come back...part of the meteorite. He can’t leave...it pulls him in too,” said James sounding stunned himself.

“They didn’t do anything wrong and bad things happened to them….you didn’t do anything wrong either,” said Alison. _That’s what you think_ , thought James.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

_Georgina told him her story that night as she tended to him. She had been about seventeen when the Nazi's started their assult on Russia. They came into her village and killed almost everyone-her family had been spared since her father was doctor and he had trained her and her mother in medicine. They were forced into serving their captives and pulled deeper into Russia. Her father had a heart attack in the winter of 42 and her mother killed herself after that leaving Georgina to fend for herself. By the start of 43 the Russians started destroying Nazi units and the unit that had taken Georgina had been one of them. She had foolishly hoped her fellow Russians would let her go, however a young girl alone and knowing medicine was a gift and she found herself a prisoner with her own people._

_"I learned if I cried they liked it more and it would end sooner," whispered Georgina and Bucky felt his temper rise. "General Karpov is in charge here with Zola. The General's been away, but I think he's supposed to be back from Moscow this week. Listen to me it's going to get very bad for you once the General gets here. He's a cruel man and...just don't fight them or they will kill you. I tried to get away once and I barely lived to see the next day. Just do what they want, say what they want you to say and they'll let you live." Bucky grabbed her hand and put it over his heart._

_"I'm going to get us out of here," whispered Bucky and she gave him a sad smile._

_'You Americans and your blind hope. I almost envy it," whispered Georgina. She gave the door another glance and listened hard before turning back to him and kissing him hard on the mouth. Bucky wound her hair in his hand and kissed her back. She broke away and gave him a real smile._

_"So that's what it's like to kiss someone you like," said Georgina and Bucky grinned._

_"Pretty swell isn't it?"_

_"Very." She went to leave when he caught her hand and pulled her back._

_“Just stay here a little bit longer,” pleaded Bucky. She listened and didn’t hear anything._

_“You are going to get me in trouble yet,” said Georgina sitting down next to him. He leaned over and kissed her again. She paused before kissing him back. He knew he was taking a huge risk and pulling her along with him, but he couldn’t help it._

_“I miss...I miss being with someone. I won’t hurt you,” said Bucky seeing a hint of fear in her eyes._

_“It always hurts,” muttered Georgina and Bucky kissed her again._

_“Trust me,” he got up and put the chair under the door handle. A  poor means to block the door, but it was better than nothing. He came back and got on his knees in front of Georgina._

_“I think I love you,” he said sliding his hand up her leg and under her skirt. She looked at him wide eyed and her breath caught as he stroked her inner thigh. He kissed her and moved his hand between her legs, pushing her underwear aside to touch her. She whimpered for a second before she looked at him stunned._

_“Don’t stop,” she muttered looking at the door. He kept kissing her and slid another finger inside her. She moved her hips against his two fingers and moaned into his mouth. She was tightening around him and he could feel her getting wetter._

_“Does it hurt,” asked Bucky. He took his thumb and started rubbing her clit and she had to bite her lip hard to stop from crying out._

_“No...no….it’s never felt good...not like this,” she whispered. She pulled him onto the cot and started undoing his pants._

_“This has to be quick...they’ll be looking for me soon,” muttered Georgina. She pulled his pants and underwear down while he pulled her underwear down. She took a second to wrap her hand around his member and he barely held his cry in. “I’m never allowed to touch them.” He pulled her close and was inside her before either one could second guess what they were doing. She muttered in Russian as he took her and felt how warm and needing she was. It was quick, three long hard thrusts had her coming and two more had him finishing. She looked up and kissed him hard._

_“No one has ever loved me...thank you.”_

_“I promise when I get you out of here it’s going to be much better than this,” said Bucky. She cleaned up and left the room. He laid on his cot, he was going to get her out. He was going to get them both out….he just wasn’t sure how yet._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The theme song Alison mentioned-Thanks Nostalgia Critic for bring this into my life.
> 
> https://youtu.be/a1VRYXQVCpo
> 
> Comments are like cupcakes for the soul....


	5. Talking it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them" Dalai Lama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Links to the music are at the end of the chapter.-Half the fun is digging up all this old music.

_The Dodgers were playing in town and he managed to get him and Steve, Becca tickets to the game. It was May and for a few days Bucky was worried they were going to have to miss the game because Steve had a late spring cold. He rallied though, clearly hell would freeze over first before he missed a Dodgers game. They were good seats too, behind home plate. Becca linked arms with Steve and leaned on him even though she was good two inches taller without her heels on._

_“What are you doing?” asked Steve and Becca grinned._

_“Having fun,” sang Becca._

_“Please get her off me,” pleaded Steve._

_“You are no fun and after I made you chicken soup,” protested Becca unlinking herself from Steve. She linked arms with Bucky and he just sighed._

_“Why are you this way?” asked Bucky._

_“I told you if you dropped her too many she wasn’t going to be right in the head,” said Steve._

_“It’s a beautiful day in New York and we’re going to a Dodgers game….that Albosta guy is kind of cute. Maybe he’ll see me in the stands and….”_

_“Run screaming once he really gets to know you,” said Bucky. Becca stuck her tongue out at him._

_“I don’t know. Her cooking might make him stay,” said Steve grinning._

_“That would imply I would let him to the apartment….although it is Albosta. She could be the key for us getting free tickets to all Dodger games,” said Bucky. She gave him a playful nudge._

_“So I’m not the annoying sister anymore?” asked Becca._

_“You’re still annoying only now you might be useful for something,” said Bucky._

_“Well it’s nice to know you love me that much,” said Becca._

_“We love you more than Dodger tickets,” said Bucky. Steve rolled his eyes._

_“Speak for yourself,” said Steve. Becca faked being hurt._

_“I was going to set you up with Helena from the bakery. You can just forgot that now,” said Becca._

_“Helena. She’s taller than Bucky,” protested Steve._

_“But she’s really nice,” said Becca._

_“And she lift more than me,” teased Bucky._

_“You two are the worst,” said Becca. They took their seats and watched the Dodgers soundly beat Philly. Becca got Albosta to come over after the 7th inning and he signed a ball for Steve. She tossed it over to him and he gave her quick kiss on the cheek._

_“You are still an annoying little sister,” said Steve._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Becca kept the ball and she gave it to me when I got home. Peggy and the rest of the team brought our things to her in Brooklyn. She kept most of them,” said Steve. They were listening to the audio of the game from May 1941. The one SHIELD had tried to trick him with. He still couldn’t believe they went through all that trouble to set up a fake room from his time and screwed up that detail. It was sloppy and he wondered if anyone had gotten fired because of it.

“Albosta,” muttered Bucky. His legs were restrained just in case he slipped back and remembered his ‘mission’ and not Steve. So far he just seemed to be zoned out.

“Yeah. Ed Albosta. He was our favorite pitcher,” said Steve. _Is this working?_ Alison had read to him till about eleven.  She had finished the first story and had started _The Shadow Over Innsmouth_ when he told her not so politely to shut up. She suggested they take a break and she left the room. Bucky reached over and started at the book when she left. They got together in the kitchen to switch out.

“Here’s a list of what I can remember,” said Steve. Alison took the list and skimmed it. Her face broke into a grin.

“Tommy Dorsey’s Orchestra,”said Alison.

“We saw them live before Pearl Harbor,” said Steve.

“Now I’m almost jealous of you guys,” said Alison.

“Why?” asked Steve.

“If you saw Tommy Dorsey live before 1945 you got to see his drummer Buddy Rich and Frank Sinatra before they made it big.” Steve gave her a look.

“We did? I didn’t know that,” said Steve.

“You are killing me Smalls. I’m pretty sure the happiest moment of grandfather’s life was seeing Buddy Rich live after he came home,” said Alison

“I was more into Glenn Miller,” said Steve.

“Oh we never could have worked out,” said Alison teasing. She had left to find her old test results and grab a few things Sam forgot.

“Do you like her?” asked Bucky seeming to come around.

“Who?” asked Steve confused.

“Alison...you….there was a dame in the red dress. You liked her...what happened to her?” asked Bucky.

“Her name was Peggy Carter. Agent Carter worked with us-me, you, Howard and the other Howling Commandos. She….well she got married and had two kids. She founded SHIELD. Do you remember any of that?” asked Steve.

“Do you like her?” asked Bucky again.

“I like her because she’s trying to help you. She’s nice, but she’s not my type. She had to learn about us in school...well actually most people here have had to learn about us. It’s so weird at times,” admitted Steve. Bucky thought about this for a long awhile until something else clicked for him.

“The museum. It had our things, How did they get our things?”

“Some things were remade. Some things were given to the museum by the grand kids of the Howling Commandos and Becca passed on some photos and other odds and ends. She wanted people to know us. They gave her your medals-You got a Purple Heart and a Distinguished Service Medal. She kept those…” Bucky shook his head.

“I don’t know if I like her,” said Bucky more to himself than to Steve. He couldn’t seem to keep one train of thought for too long, but at least he was talking. _It’s good if he’s asking questions or if he’s expressing himself encourage it,_ said Alison before she left.

“Do you know why?” asked Steve.

“I remember...I remember too much when she talks sometimes. I thought they looked alike at first….she was blonde though, light green eyes...she’s was nice too,” muttered Bucky.

“Who?” asked Steve and Bucky shook his head again.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” snapped Bucky and Steve sighed defeated. It had been going so well.

“We got to see another game that summer...on my birthday. Becca and I got sick from the hot dogs.”

_He sat with a cold rag to her head and tried to ignore Steve getting sick behind him._

_“I feel horrible,” whined Becca._

_“I raise you a horrible and see you a….” Steve started throwing up again._

_“I can’t take you two anywhere.” said Bucky._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The file had her psych evaluation and her resignation letter to the nursing home sat on the table between them and was ignored. Alison sipped her tea and Louna sat her cup down.

“Well I did say meeting new people would be good for you. This is a rather extreme version of it though,” said Louna. Alison spilled everything that had happened and how she was now the caretaker of a ninety six year old man in the body of twenty something year old war hero turned Hydra operative. She hadn’t signed a nondisclosure agreement yet so she figured talking to her shrink would be okay. Alison also felt she owed Louna a reason for why she was leaving. This woman had stuck her neck out and without it Alison wouldn’t have gotten the nursing home gig. _Not to mention I need someone not neck deep in this to talk too._

“It’s been a little overwhelming,” admitted Alison.

“You could still back out. I haven’t given this letter to the home yet. Technically you aren’t certified to treat him in psychiatric sense,” said Louna.

“They have a teaching program I can get into to so I can become certified,” said Alison.

“I know it was a huge disappointment that they wouldn’t let you back into the other program even after you cleared the psych evaluation,” said Louna.

“Well it was probably for the best. He’s still teaching after all,” said Alison barely holding back the bitterness. A deal had been made, the school wouldn’t press charges for her attacking him if she kept her mouth shut about the harassment. If she had gone to jail for the assault it would have meant the losing of her RN status. _Instead you ended up a mental hospital and you really did need the help. It still doesn’t change how unfair the whole situation was._

“You have to love the he said/she said and how quick people are to side with what ‘he said’,” said Louna. Alison shrugged.

“I’ll get to be near Sam again so that’s a plus,” said Alison and Louna studied her.

“What are you avoiding?”  Alison gathered her thoughts.

“I know somethings are private and I don’t have to tell anyone anything I don’t want too, but I sort see a little of myself in James and it makes me question my professionalism,”  admitted Alison.

“Go on,” said Louna.

“He lost his life seventy years ago. Everything he wanted and planned for was taken away and he had no say in it. Now he has to try to find the focus and meaning for his life again and it’s not easy. It really sucks,” said Alison.

“You found your purpose again though,” said Louna.

“I nearly lost everything before I found it again,” admitted Alison.

“I think what he needs more than a medical professional is a friend. Other than Steve Rogers he has no one to talk too on a personal level. I think you would serve him better as a friend. Someone who’s gone down a very similar road and can relate. From what you told me he does need a great deal of help, but I think the boundaries that are supposed to be between a patient and caregiver won’t help him. I’m not saying you have to roll out everything that’s happened to you, but show him you can come back. You came back, started over and have found a purpose for your life again. Help him find something. A purpose, peace of mind, a hobby...anything. He has to be here for a reason too,” said Louna.

“Thanks for the second opinion.”

“It’s why I’m here. I expect you to call in Fridays. I don’t care if you have to sign a NDA I consider you more friend than patient at this point. If things had gone differently you would have been a welcome addition to my staff.”  Louna stood up and shook Alison’s hand before giving her hug. Alison took the file and headed out. _Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them,_ thought Louna. It was what Alison had told her when she had been discharged. That she remembered what she wanted her purpose to be.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

She came back into the room just as the game was finishing up. She handed Steve a file and he sat it aside. Alison took the seat opposite of Steve and listened. The Dodgers won and Bucky could vaguely remember being happy about it.

“It’s a shame you didn’t get to see the Brooklyn Dodgers. I think finding out they became the L.A Dodgers was one of the hardest things I had to come to terms with,” said Steve.

“You know I’ve lived in New York almost my whole life and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a baseball game. My grandfather was more a football guy. He took me to football games until I was about ten. Than he got a life long ban for fighting,” said Alison. Steve was going to say something when Bucky spoke up.

“Do you always talk so much?” asked Bucky looking at her. Steve had been quiet until she came back into the room. _It has been nothing but chatter since you’ve come into my life. I missed hearing another voice. It’s been so long since we’ve heard a voice that wasn’t abusive. Not ordering. It’s too much though_

“Sometimes,” said Alison. Bucky looked up the ceiling. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel about her. She saved his life and had stopped at least the physical pain he had been in. However she was currently a great source of mental pain. I remember too much when you’re here. He knew he shouldn’t blame her, she didn’t know what he was remembering and he wasn’t telling her what she did. He looked at her hand and noticed she was wearing the ring. _It was on the chain_. He rubbed the dog tags and waited for her to take them away and she didn’t. He looked at the ring and remembered you wore a ring like that when you got married. _How does your husband put up with you?_

“Are you married?” She shook her head.

“I was supposed to be,” said Alison. He wanted to not care, but he wanted know.

“He died,” said Bucky without emotion.

“There was an accident and he didn’t make it. I got lucky,” said Alison. _Lucky...lucky...he said I was lucky._

_Bucky woke up and a man with salt and pepper hair with dark eyes in a very official looking suit was watching him sleep._

_“Well you aren’t creepy at all,” said Bucky and the man’s smile sent chills down his spine._

_“Zola said you were a feisty one. I do like it when they fight in them. It’s more fun when you break,” said the man and he shook his head. “Ah where my manners. My name is General Vasily Karpov. You should feel lucky, I normally don’t meet with the product until it’s finished, you though...I would like to watch you though, maybe even work on breaking you in. To make sure my product in working order. I’ve had bad luck in the past when I haven’t been involved. You have to be sure about these things.” Bucky felt that chill go even deeper and he hid it._

_“Oversight huh. If you want something done right do it yourself?” asked Bucky and the General grinned._

_“I’m glad we can be on the same page. Like I said you should feel lucky. Not only am I taking a personal hand in this, but you are going to be part of an amazing event. A force of change for the world. You are going to be part of history in ways you have never imagined. You. A little boy from Brooklyn. The side kick of Captain America. You will outshine him beyond your wildest dreams,” said Karpov and Bucky started to laugh trying to hide the creeping fear._

_“Yeah. Me the one armed man! You are a riot,” said Bucky. Karpov frowned at Bucky._

_“Oh we’re going to make you a better man...a weapon like the world has never seen. You have killed before haven’t you?” asked Karpov._

_“In the war and it wasn’t by choice,” said Bucky._

_“The people think the war is over, but it continues. No one see it though and that is where you will come in. You will have to learn your place though,” said Karpov standing up. The door opened and Georgina came in with Zola and two guards. The guards grabbed him and they all went back down the hall to the room with the chair. Bucky felt his knees get weak and he was pushed in the chair. The guards had guns and he wasn’t in a position to take them on with Georgina in front of him. They could shoot her to get through him. She tightened his straps and didn’t say anything, her eyes said everything though. She was scared and clearly wanted him to be careful. He couldn’t do what they wanted him to do. He wasn’t going to give these people the satisfaction of taking his name. They had taken his freedom and his arm. He wasn’t going to give them his name._

_“What is your name?” asked Zola._

_“James Bu….” the shock went through him and it lasted longer and had more power in it than the one from yesterday._

_“You have no name. What is your name?” asked Zola._

_“Jame….” The shock again and he was sure he had wet himself like a child. He started crying, he couldn't help it._

_“You have no name! What is your name?"_

_"Ja...." he started screaming "Georgina...." the shock turned off and everyone looked at her. He hadn't meant to say her name it just came out. Karpov looked at her with that twisted smile that had greeted him this morning. Her face went white and she looked at him with pleading eyes as he came over to her._

_"How does he know your name darling?" he said it softly and Georgina let out a whimper. He grabbed her hair and pulled up on it. "Did you tell him your name?"_

_"It was an accident," she said looking at the ground. He grabbed her face and made her look at him._

_"You know you're aren't supposed to be telling our guests who you are because you are nobody. Remember. But....you like the American don't you," he said it so sweetly it could have been a father talking to a daughter. Georgina shook her head no but he went on. "Oh that's what this is about. You think he's going to save you and you'll get a happy ever after?"_

_"I'm sorry...I just..." He let go of her long enough to backhand her. Bucky tried to get out of the chair and realized he was making things worse for her as Karpov grabbed her by her hair and pulled her towards the door_

_"When you finish bring him to my room so we can all have a chat," said Karpov and he calmly dragged Georgina out the room. Bucky wasn't sure who was screaming as the next shock went through him-was he screaming or was_ _it Georgina?_

“James are you ok?” asked Alison.

“I...I don’t want to talk about it,” he said softly and Alison nodded.

“I think we all need a little rest. I’m going to go down the hall for a nap and you can do whatever you want until dinner,” said Alison.

“I just want some quiet,” he said. _He wanted to scream at her so bad. Hand around her throat, choke her till she stops breathing and I won’t remember anymore. I don’t want to remember her anything but her._

“Alright,” she left the room and Steve stood up looking nervous.

“I’ll see you later,” said Steve and he left the room. Bucky looked down at the tags. _I don’t know what to do?_ She and Steve came came back a few hours later with dinner. It was meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans. _Did I like meatloaf?_ She turned on a movie, Fantasia while they had dinner.

“Did you go and see this when it was on Broadway?” asked Alison.

“Stop talking,” said Bucky. She sighed and they watched the movie in silence.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

Bucky telling Alison to shut up was becoming the bedrock of their relationship or at least that was what Steve was noting. When Steve was with him it was silence, Bucky never said anything. With Alison it was varying forms of ‘shut up’ and sometimes a profanity tossed in for good measure.

 She would get up and have his breakfast ready before he got up. She had started giving him mini history lessons while they ate which Steve thought he was ignoring until she brought up Kennedy and Bucky asked about the woman in pink and Alison didn’t bat an eye while telling him what became of Jackie Kennedy. She would read to him either his old Lovecraft stories or Harry Potter. (Just to change it up and introduce him to something new-Steve had been meaning to read Harry Potter for some time now) until he told her to shut up and she handed Bucky over to him so she could take a break. She came back for lunch which she would simply turn on music and not talk to him. It seemed to suit Bucky just fine.

Dinner would be the three of them since Sam had gone to San Francisco on a lead for his Ant Man. Alison would try to talk to him again, nothing serious just idle chatter and Steve would chime in until Bucky would look at her and once again tell her to shut up. She had a cot brought in so she could sleep in here in case he woke up from a nightmare. They still restrained him for sleep just in case. It was Tuesday night and Alison was telling Bucky how their old neighborhood had changed since the 40’s.

“Если бы я мог задушить вас, чтобы вы перестать говорить я бы сделал это,” muttered Bucky and Steve understood ‘stop’ and ‘talking’. Oh good he’s taken to telling her to shut up in Russian.

“I don’t understand. Was that Russian?” asked Alison looking at Steve. Friday decided to be helpful.

“It was Russian and the exact translation is-If I could choke you to make you stop talking I would do it,” chimed Friday. Steve was slightly horrified. It was one thing for Bucky to want to hurt him, after all he had been programmed too, but she hadn’t done anything to him. _She didn’t leave him behind._

“Do you want to take a break?” asked Alison calmly gathering up their dinner dishes. _Did you not understand what he just said_ , thought Steve.

“Just go away,” Bucky grounded out those three words and Alison nodded.

“Alright we’ll take a break for now and I’ll come back before lights out,” said Alison. She picked up the trays and left the room. Steve looked at Bucky who was sitting there looking torn between amusement and confusion.

“I’ll go talk to her,” said Steve defeated. She was waiting for the elevator when he caught up to her.

“Alison. I’m really sorry and…” she cut him off.

“Steve. He doesn’t like me and that’s alright,” said Alison.

“What?” asked Steve and she leaned on the wall.

“Before I narrowed down to psych care I worked in general care. ER and free care clinic settings. I have been shoved, hit, yelled at, spit on, peed on, thrown up on and on one memorable Halloween a woman threatened me with a voodoo doll because I wouldn’t give her the pain killers she asked for. I will admit strangling is a new one. He’s mad and I’m an easy target to be nasty with,”said Alison.

“He’s not nasty with me though,” said Steve. _I’m the one who let him fall,_ thought Steve.

“He knows you. Even when he was at his peak of his programing some part of him remembered you and held back. Me? I’m just coffee lady in his face all the time. He might not ever really like me. At least he’s honest about it,” said Alison. It was on the tip of her tongue to tell Steve what a ‘See you next Tuesday’ she was to some of her doctors when she was first committed _. Well I was after the second day when drugs wore off and realized where I was._

“Look he needs a break from me and it’s fine. I’ll stay in the building. Just come get me when he’s ready for bed. Well ask him if he wants me to sleep in his room tonight. He might even prefer to spend tomorrow with just you instead of me until he cools off,” said Alison The elevator doors opened and she got on.

“He’s had a really bad day for the last seventy plus years. He’s gonna be cranky, hostile and short tempered for awhile. He just needs to work through it,” said Alison. The doors shut and Steve headed back to Bucky’s room. The amusement look had faded and was replaced with confusion.

“She left,” said Bucky puzzled.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”  Bucky looked like a kid that knew he had done something wrong and couldn’t figure it out.

Steve sat down in the chair and gathered his thoughts. A large part of him wanted to hit something until it felt as bad as he did. The whole situation pissed him off. His best friend was a shell of himself and went between stone cold silence and stone cold rages. Sometimes though there was a brief glimmer of the man he knew and that was what hurt the most. Knowing Bucky was in there and not knowing how to get him out for good.

Steve was having second thoughts about having Alison here. She meant well and she was trying. Most people would have ran screaming by now. At the end of the day though she was a civilian and if Bucky really wanted to hurt her he could do it in a second. He wasn’t sure how any of them would move past that. _Why didn’t you think this all the way though? Because it’s Bucky and you never really think everything through when it’s him. Didn't you go 30 miles behind enemy lines for him without a fully formed plan. Sam wouldn’t forgive him. Kicking him off the helicarrier in the heat of battle is one thing. Maiming his best friend is a whole another level. Even with Sam’s past dealing with Vets I couldn’t in all fairness ask him to trust Bucky. I know you’re in there Bucky. I know you wouldn’t hurt someone on purpose. The Soldier though...he even scares me,_ thought Steve.

“Well you needed a break and she’s giving you one,” said Steve. Bucky looked so confused it made Steve hurt even more on the inside.

“I don’t like being this way,” said Bucky softly and his hand worked the dog tags the way Bucky’s mom would work her rosary. _Are you in there Bucky?_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

She left and he got her to leave. He got the endless source of chatter away and he didn’t feel good about it a second later. Steve looked upset before getting up.

“I’ll go talk to her,” said Steve and he left the room. Bucky sat there and his thoughts started slamming into each other. _Why did Steve look like that? Because you said something really rude. Rude and uncalled for. I said something I shouldn’t have said._ Steve came back a few moments later and she wasn’t with him.

“She left,” said Bucky. _You wanted her leave and she left. She tends to do something when I ask. You didn’t ask though, not really. Not the way you should ask a lady to do something._

“Yeah,” said Steve looking very tired.

“Why?” asked Bucky. _Why did you say that? It shut her up and got her leave. I hope she doesn’t come back. I miss other people. She’s not like the others. She kept her promise. No one is hurting us_ , thought Bucky. Bucky watched Steve sit down and close his eyes like he was counting to ten before going on.

“Well you needed a break and she’s giving you one,” said Steve. _If your mother was still alive she would smack you. She didn’t raise you to act this way. Bully. You’re a bully like the people who picked on Steve and how your father picked on your mother_. Shame hit him like a wave and he started working the dog tags in his hand. _She hasn’t done a damn thing to you_.

He could remember other medical staff from his past and how they never cared about him. They didn’t care if what they did hurt him or what he wanted. He almost wished she was like the medical staff from his past at least then he would know where he stood. Instead he was stuck with a person who never seemed to run out of things to say, didn’t blink when he threatened her and had been nice to him despite his temper. _You’ve only said it outloud once. You’ve thought about it a bunch though,_ thought Bucky.

“I don’t like being this way,” said Bucky more to himself than to Steve. _I wasn’t always this way_. Steve looked at him and Bucky looked down at the blankets again. _I almost killed you. I wanted you dead so it would stop hurting. Bully._

 “I don’t want to be mean. I know she’s trying and sometimes I remember good things when she talks...we took Becca to Coney Island and you threw up on the roller coaster. Sometimes though I don’t wanna remember and she’s here, she’s talking and I don’t...they hurt sometimes. The memories,” admitted Bucky. _I almost want to forget again,_ thought Bucky.

“You have to tell her that. And not just by telling her to shut up. She’s like a head doctor and she can’t make things better unless she knows what’s going on,” said Steve patiently.

“What if it doesn’t get better?” asked Bucky. _Am I still Bucky Barnes or just the Asset?_

“We just have to try,” said Steve. His phone rang.. “I’ll be right back.” Steve got up and left the room to take the call. Bucky got out of bed and thought for a second. _That voice that tells them stuff or when they ask for stuff_.

“Friday?” he asked and that chirpy voice answered.

“Yes.” Bucky took a deep breath and asked where he could find Alison.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….   

Sam had given her a tour before he had left for San Francisco, just the basics-kitchen, living room and sleeping areas. He had promised to be back by Saturday though. She was dreading Saturday a bit. Saturday would be the three year mark and she was going to visit Matt’s grave. She had been in a coma when they held the funeral and she had only gone out there once since. _Sorry I haven’t been out there more._

She had forgotten though which floor the living room was in, it was either the sixth floor or the ninth and she had opted for the sixth floor and was wrong. _Wait was it sixteen. Too many floors in this place_. She was turned around on the floor she was on and was about to ask Friday where she was when she walked past a room. It was some sort of music room. It had a piano, cello, and guitars lined the wall. Off to one side was the most beautiful set of drums she had laid her eyes on. It was a Pearl set, something most drummers would kill for. Her own battle tested Tama drum set was in the basement of the apartment. There hadn’t been room in her and Matt’s apartment, so her grandfather had kept them.

“I bought those at auction to spite Steve Jobs.” said Tony and she jumped a bit to see Tony and Pepper standing there in formal wear.

“I am so sorry. I got my floors mixed up,” said Alison.

“I still get lost sometimes,” admitted Pepper.

“Do you play? You look like you actually understood why I spent...well a very indecent amount of money on the set,” said Tony.

“It was a rather stupid amount for something that’s collecting dust,” said Pepper sounding a bit annoyed.

“I used to play. Orchestra from fifth grade and up. When I was in high school and college I was in a band, drums and backup vocals. We did so many weddings and random bar nights,” said Alison touching the cymbals.

“Why did you stop?” asked Tony.

“I just sort of lost the feeling for it,” said Alison.

“It happens,” said Tony. Pepper grinned.

“I wanna hear you play,” said Pepper.

“What?” asked Alison.

“Oh Jobs would roll over in his grave to know I let someone play them,” said Tony. He found the drumsticks and handed them over. Alison felt her hands go numb, but she adjusted the set to her height and took a seat. _Relax._..

“I take requests.”

“I just want to see if they’re any good after all this time,” said Pepper.

“It’s not like fruit on the counter. Drums don’t go bad,” countered Tony.

“Actually if you don’t maintain them they...I might be a little rusty,” said Alison noticing the look Tony was giving her. _Don’t piss him off, he’s been nice the last few days,_ thought Alison.

She took a deep breath and adjusted her grip on the sticks. She started off playing basic rudiments before slipping into U2. It was like riding a bike only easier somehow. She always liked warming up to U2 before getting on stage. Matt had been more into Clapton for his warm up numbers when he played guitar.

_I believe in the Kingdom come._

_Then all the colors will bleed into one._

_Bleed into one._

_But yes I'm still running_

__

_You broke the bonds and you_

_You loosened the chains_

_You carried the cross_

__

_Of my shame_

_Oh my shame_

_You know I believe it_

_But I still haven't found_

_What I'm looking for_

__

“I didn’t know girls played drums.” Alison looked over and Bucky standing there.

“Nice to see you up Tin Man. Oh I got it. You are the Tin Man and she’s Dorothy,” said Tony pointing back and forth at Bucky and Alison.

“Honey. No,” said Pepper seeing Bucky give him a look that wasn’t completely murderous, but pretty close. “We’re going to give you a minute.” Pepper took Tony by the arm and pulled him away.

“But’s it’s my tower,” they heard him protesting down the hall. Alison wiped her hands on her jeans and stood up. James was working the dog tags in his fist and she could see he was trying to work something out.  

“I...I...you don’t talk to a lady that way,” said James looking down at the floor.

“It’s okay. I do talk a lot,” said Alison coming over to him. She saw him clenching the tags in his hand tightly and his hand was shaking. “I’m not mad at you and you aren’t in trouble alright,” said Alison. He kept looking at the ground biting the inside of his check so hard she was worried he was going to draw blood.

“Do you want to wear those?” asked Alison pointing to the dog tags and it seemed to snap him out of whatever trance he was in.

“They took mine. I don’t know where they went,” said James. Alison took his hand and took the tags. His hand was red and marked from how tight he had been holding on them. She stood up on her toes and put them on over his head.

“Now you don’t have to worry about losing them,” said Alison. She looked up at him and for a brief second she thought she saw a hint of a smile. They stood there and neither one of them could figure out what to say.

“There you are. You scared me,” said Steve looking back and forth at them.

“Everything’s fine. He just wanted to talk,” said Alison. _For a change he wanted to talk_. _He just doesn't know how to get it out_.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Later that night Bucky looked over at Alison asleep on the cot and thought to himself about escaping again. Steve had told him Tony _Howard_ was finished with his arm and wanted to test it out tomorrow. Once he had his arm he could go back into the world and become a ghost again. _You’ll hurt Steve. Really you think Steve is happy having your rude, hostile, mean tempered ass here? Sadly yes...but he’ll get over it. She can go back to her life and if she has any brains she won’t miss me._

Bucky watched as she started twitching and muttering something he couldn’t make out. _God she talks in her sleep too._ A few moments later she sat bolt right up and started screaming in terror. _Damn._ She looked around puzzled trying to remember where she was. Bucky stared at her, he thought he was only one here who did that. She looked over at him and her face turned red.

“Sorry. Bad dream. I didn’t mean to wake you up,” she muttered and she went to settle back into her bed when he spoke up.

“I couldn’t sleep anyway,” said Bucky. She nodded and for the first time he found himself wishing she would talk. She looked so pale and shaken it pulled at him. _Be nice...just for a little bit_. “You think we leave any bad dreams for anybody else?” asked Bucky trying for a joke and she let out a weak and nervous sort of laugh.

“I went almost four weeks without one. Some nights are better than others. It will get better for you too someday,” said Alison.

“What do you dream about?” asked Bucky and she sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest.

“I was in the ‘accident’ that killed my fiancee and that’s what I have nightmares about,” said Alison and something in her tone seemed off. She wasn’t telling the whole truth, but he wasn’t sure he had the right to press her for the truth right now.

“We’re you and Steve on a date that night I came in?” asked Bucky. It made vague sense in his head. They were both too nice for their own good and single. She got the biggest smile on her face and she turned a little red.

“No. It was supposed to be a dinner to meet what Sam assured me was just a friend and he brought Steve. People were trying to push a date and neither one of us wanted it,” said Alison.

“You’re too cute for him anyway,” said Bucky and he was surprised. _You almost sound like your old self_. Alison shook her head.

“It’s like he’s Photoshopped,” said Alison and Bucky was confused.

“Photoshop?”

“I’ll explain later. So...um the music we listen to at lunch it’s what you like right?” asked Alison.

“It feels familiar,” admitted Bucky. _He was dancing with a girl and she told him he looked good in his uniform_. “Do you like it?” asked Bucky.

“Yeah. It’s what I listened too when I was learning to play the drums,” said Alison.

“What were you playing this evening? It was new. I think I liked it,” said Bucky.

“They’re a band called U2. They’re Irish too. If you want we can start listening to some newer music at lunch,” said Alison.

“We can try,” said Bucky. Alison nodded.

“We should try to get back to sleep,” said Alison. Bucky nodded and they both settled back into sleep. _I was nice...for a good ten minutes and she’s not that bad when I’m nice,_ thought Bucky. Alison closed her eyes and it was first time she dropped back to sleep quickly after one of her dreams...well it was more a memory than a dream.

_“So I was thinking...if we were to get pregnant in October I could stay home with the baby in summer,” said Alison and Matt looked at her._

_“You leave nothing to chance do you,” said Matt grinning._

_“I just like having a plan,” teased Alison. Matt shook his head._

_“What happens if I knock you up before October?”_

_“That just ruins everything,” said Alison. Matt sat back and looked at the traffic._

_“You really wanna have kids with me?”_

_“Well I am marrying you so it would be the easiest option,” said Alison._

_“Oh yeah,” he paused and looked out the window. “Yeah. Yeah let’s do it. I’ll try to not knock you up before October.” She laughed and shifted in the seat. They hadn’t gone anywhere in the last ten minutes and that second iced tea she had before leaving work was now a huge mistake._

_Matt looked over from the driver seat and grinned._

_“You gonna make it?' he asked and Alison grinned back._

_“I really need to pee,” she joked._

_“Can you wait another twenty minutes. Traffic sucks today,” muttered Matt. Alison looked out her window and saw what looked like lights coming down from the sky._

_“What in the world?” she asked. Five cars in front of them blew up without warning._

_“Holy shit!” screamed Matt and fear crawled in her stomach. All those people, she thought. She was about to get out the car to see if anything could be done when their car was blown back and flipped over_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ed Albosta was a pitcher for the Brooklyn Dodgers back in 41. I always did wonder if anyone got fired for not fact checking what was playing in Cap's room when he woke up. ^-^
> 
> Tommy Dorsey with Frank Sinatra in 41- https://youtu.be/KfrULWkXgOc
> 
> Tommy Dorsey with Buddy Rich in 42-https://youtu.be/nbyO5rkepWY
> 
> Fantasia was released in 1940 like a roadshow, it played on Broadway for 49 weeks. 
> 
> My personal favorite Buddy Rich moment-https://youtu.be/VJh9W3Gcpmo


	6. Talks broken down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going on vacation so there is going to be a bit of lag between this chapter and the next.
> 
> Please don't throw things
> 
> Chapter 5 had a major re-write so you might want to go back and read that. Thanks ^-^
> 
> Rated-M for rape

_He wasn’t sure how long he had been in the chair and he blacked out. When he came too he heard faint crying and his arm and wrist hurt. Things started to come into focus bit by bit. He was a room larger and better furnished than his own room._

_“Ah you’re awake at last,” said a voice and he looked over to see Karpov was sitting on his bed fully dressed and with the craziest grin Bucky ever saw. “You’ve been out for about four hours now. Zola’s treatment can be rather taxing.”_

_“The cure is worse than the disease,” spat Bucky. He looked around and saw her curled up in the corner. Georgina was wearing only a dress slip and that had been ripped. Her body was covered in red marks, welts, and marks already starting to bruise. He couldn’t see her face, but he could hear her whimpering._

_“Oh stop it. I haven’t even really hurt you yet,” said Karpov sounding annoyed._

_“Just leave her alone. Whatever punishment you want to dole out for whatever reason I’ll take it, but leave her out of this,” said Bucky. It was the wrong thing to say and he knew it a second too late._

_“You like her too. Good. This makes it more amusing for me,” Karpov came over to him and sat closer to him. “So what did she tell you? Did she tell how I was her first? That when I was done I let my second in command have a turn with her...there were seven men in the unit and only one them refused to take part and I had him shot for disobeying orders. That we took her back to Moscow and on the way I enjoyed her as often as I wanted and in anyway I wanted. She was very stupid one night and tried to get away. I could have killed her, but she was much more enjoyable alive so we stopped right at the edge. I know how to get someone to the edge. I haven’t had a challenge in a long time and finding your edge is going to be fun. Oh I don’t mean to kill you. We need your body. Your mind though. Well the sooner that goes the easier everything else will be. I’m sure she tried to explain that. Didn’t you sweetheart?”_

_Bucky spat in his face. Karpov grinned and wiped it off. He stood up and backhanded him the way he had Georgina. It nearly knocked the chair over. Karpov grinned and took off his jacket._

_“So I think I let you watch first.”_

Bucky woke up screaming and covered in sweat. Alison was pulled out of sleep and went over to his bedside.

“Hey. Hey.  It’s okay,” she said softly. She put one hand on his face and he flinched. “I’m not gonna hurt you. Do you want some water?” He nodded and she went over to sink and filled a cup. She undid his restraints so he could sit up and take the cup from her. He downed it and his hand was still shaking when he gave it back to her.

“Maybe we don’t leave any bad dreams for anyone else,” she said. It wasn’t even 5.30 yet, but she had a feeling they were both wide awake now.

“Do you want to take a shower?” asked Alison.

“Yeah,” He had gotten most of his balance back so he could shower alone for the most part. She did stay close to help him wash though. _She not going to hurt me, she not going to hurt me_. He had to keep telling himself that and he really hated it. He got dressed and she took him over to the sink since he clearly couldn’t be trusted with a razor still and helped him shave. She was good though, not a single nick.

“How are you good at this?” asked Bucky.

“A lot of the people I used to take care of have the shakes. I had to get good at this or I had to listen to patients and family members complain,” said Alison. His own hand was still shaking a bit, but it was better now. She went to take her shower and he went back to sit in the med room. He started debating running away again. Screw the arm he would get by some how. _Steve would blame himself and her for not keeping a better watch. But not me, no he would never blame me. Alison would blame herself too, but not me. How did I end up with two of the dumbest and nicest people in the world?_

She came out dressed in jeans and a black NYU shirt with her damp hair pulled back.

“Do you wanna come downstairs with me and I’ll make us breakfast?” asked Alison.

“Sure,” said Bucky. They took the elevator down and Bucky was almost stunned that they had been up for a good thirty minutes and she hadn’t really spoken. Not a morning person. _Falsworth could barely function without a cup of coffee, unlike Dernier who seemed to jump out of bed ready to go. That man had too much pep sometimes._

She went right over to the coffee pot and started brewing a pot before going over to the fridge.

“Do you want pancakes or French toast?” asked Alison. Bucky sighed, sometimes this was overwhelmingly hard and it shouldn’t be. It was a simple question-what did want to eat? Most mornings he missed having to make a choice about breakfast since she was up first. Lunch and dinner though he had to make a choice. He really didn’t care, but Alison and Steve insisted he tell them what he wanted. _Just give me something. I don’t care. Hydra didn’t care if I ate or not. They’re not Hydra and they care. Stop being such an ass._ She wasn’t going to make anything until he told her what he wanted.

“I don’t really remember French Toast,” admitted Bucky. She nodded and pulled out eggs, milk and bread. She added cinnamon, sugar and vanilla to the milk and eggs before dipping the bread and tossing it on a heated pan. The coffee was finished and she poured herself a large mug. She added a large amount of cream and sugar to hers before handing him a mug of black coffee.

“Could I have the cream?” asked Bucky and she looked surprised before handing it over.

“I didn’t know you liked cream in your coffee,” she said turning back to the pan to make sure the bread wasn’t burning. “Thought all you war guys took it black.”

“I missed having cream during the war...I could live without the sugar, but I really missed having cream,” said Bucky surprising himself. They normally didn’t talk during breakfast, well she would talk and he found himself planning her death and hating himself a second later. It would be too easy and she would never see it coming. She hasn’t done anything to you, stop being this way. She finished the toast before making two eggs over easy. She gave the eggs and toast to him before sitting down with her own plate and dumping a ton of maple syrup on her toast. They were both quiet while they ate and Bucky was finishing his eggs when something dawned on him.

“I like my eggs over easy,” said Bucky remembering and she nodded. “I didn’t tell you that.”

“I asked Steve how you like them. My grandpa said you never really know someone till you know how they like their eggs. I didn’t think to ask about the coffee though,” admitted Alison. She started her second cup of coffee and he just shook his head. Of course he would remember how I like my eggs and of course she would ask. _They really think you can get better...you know you could try to meet them halfway_. He was about try talking to her again when Tony walked in and grinned.

“Well aren’t we up bright and early?  I feel like you two need a dog. Just a little one...you can name it Toto,” said Tony.

“If you want French Toast it’s on the counter,” said Alison rolling her eyes. She wasn’t truly functioning or patient until her second cup of coffee. She knew she was a guest here, but she could see James wasn’t a fan of the Wizard of Oz jokes either.

Bucky looked at him and had to remind himself that this was Howard’s son in the room and not Howard.

_They were sitting next to each other and Howard was taking apart the gun they had brought back from the Hydra base._

_“So there are nothing left of the body?” asked Howard._

_“Does ash count? Couldn’t even find the dog tags or weapons when we were being marched away,” said Bucky. “When we saw them taking out the German unit we thought it was our guys with new weapons...until we got rounded up.” Howard opened the gun up and carefully pulled out the blue glowing stick._

_“There isn’t a place to reload,” noted Howard._

_“Yeah we thought that was weird when they had us building them, but we weren’t a position to question,” said Bucky._

_“Well now we can question all we want,” said Howard sitting the pieces aside._

“Are you okay?” asked Alison. She was feeling more awake now and could see James had the fuzzy look in his eyes.

“Can we go outside? I need some fresh air,” he said.

“Yeah. We can go to the roof,” said Alison. She picked up her coffee and they went to leave the kitchen.

“Come see me Dorothy when you have the time. I have something to show you,” said Tony enjoying the toast. Alison fought back the urge to roll her eyes. _He means well and he’s not doing it to be an ass. Maybe we can ask Pepper and she can plead with him that nicknames need to wait until eight in the morning,_  thought Alison. They took the elevator up.

“Dorothy….That’s from The Wizard of Oz. I saw The Wizard of Oz,” said Bucky. Alison was trying to hide her surprise. This was the person Steve had been telling her about. Well it was a little of the person he told her about. He was shy and he seem hesitant to talk to her, but at least he was talking to her. _Maybe this is his way of saying sorry. By trying to act like a person._

“I saw it when I was four. The monkeys scared me,” admitted Alison.

“The colors...it was amazing to see the colors. It was in color wasn’t it?” asked Bucky.

“Yeah. It wasn’t the first colored film, but it was the most memorable one to do it  Well not counting cartoons like Snow White and stuff.” _Ask Sophia about color in films_. They got up to the roof and he looked at the skyline stunned. It was so different than what he remembered it being. He had to sit down. It was too much to take in all at once.

“I know it’s a little more than overwhelming,” said Alison sitting down next to him. He shook his head and without thought his hand took hers. She didn’t say anything. _Maybe we’ve reached a turning point_ , thought Alison

“All I wanted to do was come home,” said Bucky. She nodded and his grip on her hand got tighter. “I miss my sister. Does she know that I’m alive?”

“Steve hasn’t told her yet. If you want to see her…”

“No. It’s better she think I died a hero than lived as a killer,” spat Bucky. _She would forgive you. She loved you. She can’t know_ , thought Bucky. Alison was about to say something when Steve called out.

“So everyone is up early this morning.” She felt James pull his hand away quickly and he pushed himself up. _It’s a start,_ thought Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve took James back to his room and she headed to Tony’s lab. She was stunned when she found it, she couldn't even begin to guess what half of this stuff did it just looked really cool. He had James's arm on a table and hooked up to computer and it was moving on it's own.

"That's not nightmare fuel at all," joked Alison coming over to study the arm.

"This is the second model of it, the original was made in 1948 and was replaced in the 70's. Remarkable tech for the time, Made of the same stuff as Cap’s Shield," said Tony.

"Still the stuff of nightmares," said Alison recalling the detailed notes of muscle transplants and frayed nerves.  

"I did make a few upgrades. They're good ones too," said Tony turning back to the computer and typing in some code.

"Like?" asked Alison. Tony pulled out a watch and put it on the hand. He fiddled with the watch and a hologram of a normal human arm covered the metal.

"In case he would like to wear short sleeves in public," said Tony and Alison was impressed.

"This is beyond amazing," said Alison. This might help him be able to go out in public. Well once he got used to crowds or more than four people at a time.

"Oh I do like you. I also increased the sensors in his fingers and hand so he'll be able to sense temperature better," explained Tony. “I plan on passing the info down to our medical division to see if we can duplicate it for other prosthetics and go from there," _Maybe you aren’t so bad_ , thought Alison.

"You know a few years ago I saw your press conference when you came back from the Middle East and you shut down the weapons division of your company. You said you wanted to do something other than make stuff that blows up. A lot of people I had classes with thought it was joke or some sort of stunt. It's nice know you really did mean it," said Alison.

"Now I'm gonna blush. Just because I left the weapons trade doesn't mean I don't worry about personal safety. Can I see your hands please?" asked Tony. She was confused, but gave held out her hands. He scanned them with a tablet and went over to a little box and pulled out what look like one those Life Alert buttons. He plugged the tablet into the button and swiped for a bit. He unplugged the tablet and handed her the button.

"What's this?" asked Alison.

"According to Friday and Cap the Tin Man made some rather nasty remarks about wanting to choke the life out of you and I really don't want to pay for your funeral. You are the only person who can activate this. If he tries anything that is going to hurt you, you push the button and it will send a tiny shock from his arm to his body to knock him out. Like a built in a taser. You don’t even have to click your heels three times," said Tony.

Alison was conflicted. James had enough people in charge of his well being who had hurt him and she didn’t want to be one them. _It would take all the shaky trust he does have with me and throw it out the window,_ thought Alison. She knew how to defend herself a little bit, but Tony was right when he said she was outmatched by James. He was six inches taller and had a least a hundred pounds on her. However it had never been an option to taser a patient before. You never fought back against a patient. You either took it, tried to get away, or wait till security could be paged. ‘You don’t fight back’ had been drilled into her head since her days of volunteering in the ER. Fighting leads to lawsuits and more injury to the patient. She was pretty sure Steve wasn’t going to sue her, but this could injure James and that was the last thing she wanted.

"I need to think about this," said Alison trying to give him the button back.

“It's a last resort option," said Tony.

"Does Steve know about this?”asked Alison. Somehow having his permission would make this alright in her head. _He’s the family member in charge_ , thought Alison. Tony looked annoyed.

"What are you? 5'6 about...well it's rude to guess a lady's weight, but that man upstairs has you outmatched physically and he beat the crap out of Captain America. He is a trained killer with a lot of issues. You can't drug him and you can't fight back if he tries to anything physical. I really don't want to vet another almost psychiatric nurse for this post. 'Oh yes, were looking for a new nanny because our little boy broke the last one. Physical, snapped her like twig', "said Tony.

“I’m not trying to be a pain in your ass. I’m just not used to having the okay to defend myself against a patient. You just sort of took it no matter what they did until security came in and took them down for you. It’s almost a rite of passage to have a patient manhandle you,” said Alison. She shoved the button in her pocket.

“Well I’m sort of your boss and you have my permission to not be a punching bag. See I’m like Glinda the good witch handing out shoes and stuff,” said Tony going back to the arm. “I think we can do this in a few hours. Before lunch,” said Tony.

“Do you mind waiting?  I need to talk with Steve and we might have to leave for a bit. James might feel more comfortable with one us with him when you’re re-attaching the arm. Just to keep him grounded,” said Alison.

“Mystery date?” asked Tony.

“I don’t date my bosses, family members of patients or patients. Just easier that way,” said Alison.

“You are sad and strange little woman,” said Tony.

“I just want a quiet life,” she said with a grin and went to leave the lab.

“You could still back out. No hard feelings at least from me,” said Tony.

“I’m already neck deep. No sense in backing out now,” said Alison leaving the lab.

Tony shook his head. Cap seemed to inspire a deep sense of loyalty and people consider it a personal failure to let him down _. I would have lost it after New York if it hadn’t been for Pepper. Well I did lose it a little bit. Not to the level she did, I would have if not for Pepper._

Alison’s background check was clean for the most part. Pepper said her references checked out along with all her school records. She had withdrawn from school and that did fit what she had said about the loans and she did have a couple thousand in student loans, but nothing that couldn’t have waited until she finished. Her grades until that last term before her withdrawal had been fine. Tony was vague on how scholarships worked-he turned all his down just to blow his dad’s money. But he was sure she could have gotten at least one scholarship to ease the load. _What happened with you on the Yellow Brick Road?_

Tony also thought the employment gap was off, even though a lot people had trouble finding work now a days. How did a nurse in this area managed to be unemployed for over a year? Steve had mentioned she had been in accident and that was where Tony started digging. He kept digging and now he wished he hadn’t. _Pepper would kill me if she knew I hacked her medical records. That would be a huge ACLU issue_. He had thought about telling Steve about her time in the hospital and than he thought about Bruce. _He got low and he didn’t see an end._ He also thought about his issues after New York. _How do you go back after that?_

She wasn’t a genius, or a lab experiment, or a demi god. She had just been going about her life when something happened that was way over her head and she tried to cope. _I built suits and she did what she felt she needed to do._ Tony buried the the records. If she wanted to tell them what happened she would. _Maybe she does have the crazy nice person disease_ , thought Tony. He pulled out his phone and called Pepper.

“I’m getting ready for a meeting,” she answered.

“Well I was thinking we could do a dinner tonight. Maybe fly in that sushi chef you like so much or we could go to him once our guests clear out this evening,” said Tony. Pepper laughed.

“I’m going to miss having guest, but I won’t say no to sushi. Let’s try for seven. Love you,”

“Love you too Pep,” said Tony ending the call and turning back to the arm. _Beside if we started weeding out all the unstable people I would have to remove myself first._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“How are you feeling this morning?” asked Steve.

“Okay I guess,” said Bucky.

“You and Alison looked to be getting along this morning,” said Steve. He had been stunned to see them together, outside and from what he saw Bucky had her hand in his. He didn’t like being touched unless it was unavoidable. Bucky had always been one of the most psychically friendly people he had known and to see him shrink away from something as a simple as a hug or someone touching his arm hurt Steve. _If I could go back in time and talk you out of taking part of the team I would have_ , thought Steve.

“She’s not bad. She just talks a lot,” said Bucky.

“You used to talk non stop. God it was nothing but constant talk when you and Becca were home at the same time. It was nice though. When mom was sick it was too quiet and I hated it. Moving in with you and Becca was the best thing for me. I wasn’t lonely anymore,” admitted Steve.

“It was nice having you there too,” said Bucky. He could remember the nights he didn’t have to work and they would have dinner together. That they would listen to music and sometimes Steve would talk either him or Becca into sitting still so he could draw them. _Becca was always better at holding still,_ thought Bucky.

“We can’t go back. We just have to move forward. It’s not easy, but if there's anyone who can get through this it’s you. You’re too damn stubborn to let them beat you yet,” said Steve. _Always the glass is half full Steve Rogers_ , thought Bucky. Alison came back in.

“So what did Tony want?” asked Steve.

“He wants to reattach the arm this afternoon. Was showing me some of the work he’s done on it,” said Alison. She was debating how to approach Steve with an idea she had. They didn’t want Rebecca knowing James was alive, but maybe she could bring him something of his sister.

“Would it be alright if I borrowed Steve for minute or two? I need to ask him something,” said Alison and James rolled his eyes.

“If you want to talk about me I’m right here.” Alison sighed, there was no sense in trying to treat him like a child. He had been really decent towards her the last night and the last couple of hours. Maybe being honest would help him trust her a little more.

“Alright. I know you don’t want to tell your sister that you aren’t dead, but maybe hearing her voice might trigger something for you. I know Steve’s been in contact with her so I was hoping he could set up some sort of meeting,” said Alison. Steve and James both looked at her stunned. “It’s a long shot…”

“I would like hear her voice again,” said Bucky looking at her. _You would really try to work around some sort of way for me to have something of her? I miss her so much. She can’t see me though_. “I sort of remember her voice, but it’s hazy.”

Steve thought about it. Unlike Peggy and the other Howling Commandos, Becca hadn’t done any recorded interviews about knowing him and Bucky. She had done recorded interviews about her time modeling, but he thought that might be a little out there for Bucky to hear. She had written a book about him and Bucky that he was sure had pictures of all them together, but no interviews on camera. _Trying to keep the two lives apart maybe_ , thought Steve.

“Well we could try and set something up for today. What do we tell her?” asked Steve.

“That I have a patient who is a huge Bucky Barnes fan and would like to hear from one of the people who knew him best...it’s reaching but it might help,” said Alison.

“I’ll call her,” said Steve leaving the room to make the call and James looked at her.

“Thanks,” he said.

“It’s a long shot, but I thought even if it doesn’t do anything for you memory wise it would be nice for you to have,” said Alison sitting down.

Yes he would like to hear her voice again. _So help me you better come home_. It was old and distorted, like he was hearing it from another room.

“She might sound different, it’s been a really long time,” warned Alison.

“I just want it. Steve said she got married,” said James.

“Yeah. You have a niece and a nephew and between them you have four great nieces and nephews,” said Alison. She had looked up Rebecca Barnes and was stunned that the pin up model that had decorated her and Sophia’s college dorm was his sister. _I’ll tell you about that another day,_ thought Alison.

“It’s odd. Having someone know your life and you can’t even remember most of it,” said James. Alison took a gamble and sat on the bed next to him. He didn’t flinch, but he did tense for a moment. _You got ice water in your veins don’t you_ , thought Bucky.

“You and Steve are heroes and well it’s sort of surreal for me to be in the same room with people I had to take tests on. From 1st grade to college any mention of World War Two had you guys in it. If you had a time machine and told my fourteen year old self she would be in a room with Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes she might have fallen over from disbelief.” She took a second to gather her thoughts before going on.

“I know you don’t think she won’t love you anymore if she finds out about what happened. But we all have this ‘messy’ part of ourselves that we try to hide from people we love because we’re scared of what they’ll think about us if they know about it. It’s surprising though how much people will love you no matter how ‘messy’ you think you are,” said Alison.

Some part of him wanted to lay out every nasty thing he could remember doing and see how far he got before she ran away screaming. Some part wanted to hurt her and that felt the most familiar and he hated it. Another part wanted to scream that she couldn’t possible understand anything. There was still another part and that was the one he went with.

“How do you know? What’s your ‘messy’ part?” She closed her eyes and was about to say something when Steve came in

“Ten a.m works for her,” said Steve.

“Good. That’s really good,” said Alison. They started talking about how to smooth out introducing Alison. She never answered his question.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Every inch of her hurt and she could hear people talking, but the words didn’t make sense. It was liking floating in that hazy place right before you wake up. She kept telling herself to wake up and just couldn’t make her eyes open. There were people touching her and sometimes it hurt and then someone would make the pain go away. Why couldn’t she wake up?_

_“Ally. Come on sweetheart. You gotta fight...you made it this far honey.” It sounded like her grandfather only he sounded like he had been crying and she hadn’t seen him cry since her father died. Other voices telling her they were sorry and that they would see her soon. They sounded like they had also been crying. Why couldn’t she wake up? Ok….we’re going to open our eyes in three...two...one_

_Blinding light and she winced from how bright it was. She groaned trying to take in where she was. That was glaring clear in a nano second. It was a hospital, she was pretty sure this was one she was working at. She went to lift her head and shuddered in pain._

_“Ally?” she turned her head and realized her neck was in a brace and her grandfather was sitting by her bedside._

_“Hey,” said Alison and she looked down and saw her right leg was in a sling and in a cast up to her thigh, her left leg was propped up and right arm was in a cast too._

_“Let me get the doctor in here,” said Robert and he pressed the call light. Monica-the head nurse of ICU and Dr. Stolz came in and both looked relieved to see her awake._

_“You gave us a real scare baby,” said Monica and kissed her forehead._

_“It’s nice to see you awake,” said Stolz._

_“Can I have some water?” asked Alison and Robert held up a cup with a straw for her. After a few sips her throat felt slightly better._

_"What's the last thing you remember?" asked Stolz checking her pupils and Alison thought...they had been running late for dinner and traffic had been really backed up. Something in the sky and it looked like fireworks._

_"I saw lights in the sky and...it gets hazy. What happened?" They all looked at each other as if deciding who was going to break the news._

_"This is going to sound crazy, but there was an alien invasion. It took out six blocks in midtown and that was what you saw," said Robert. Alison thought and remembered something about an alien in New Mexico and how it almost leveled a whole town._

_"Where's Matt?" asked Alison and suddenly none of them would look at her. "Is he ok?" She figured if she was this banged up than he must be in the ICU too. Dr. Stolz spoke up._

_"The car flipped and you were tossed out. You have a lot of broken bones and we had to take out your spleen to stop the internal bleeding but Matt...Matt still had his seatbelt on and... he didn't make it."_

_Alison would later get her hands on his autopsy. Matt's neck had broken during the flip and he died minutes later. She had compound fractured her right leg and right arm. Fractured her left knee in two places. Broken four ribs, had a serious case a whiplash, a skull fracture, and the removal of her spleen. On top of the road rash, cuts and bruises she had gotten from being thrown into the street. She had been out for six weeks when she finally came too. And nothing made sense. They had to sedate her after being awake for only three minutes. The hazy place wasn't so bad now. She didn't have to think or feel there. However they wouldn't let her stay in the haze. After nearly ten weeks in the hospital they deemed her well enough to go home and that was when the real pain started._

_……………………………………………………………………………………………………………._

They left a few hours later and Bucky was finding himself dozing in and out has he listened to some music. He thought about reading the Harry Potter book sitting on the stand. They were almost near the end though and Steve really seemed to like it so he would wait. She had taken the Lovecraft home and he wished she had left those. He had missed reading those. There was one he kept remembering bits of called The Shadow out of Time. Gabe’s family always sent him books and in one box they had sent Gabe some Lovecraft. Gabe didn’t care for horror so they had traded them for smokes. His life was a lot like the man from that story. The man in the story had just been a boring married father who taught Econ and then one day he blacked out and woke up five years later. Only he hadn’t been sleeping he had been looking for occult things and had lost his wife and two of his children during his ‘blackout’. _During my blackouts though I killed people and lost years of my life_ , thought Bucky.

Maybe that was what upset him the most sometimes, how Alison and Steve would treat him like he hadn’t done anything wrong. She called the part of him that had murdered god knows how many people ‘messy’. They meant well and they wanted him to be himself again, only Bucky Barnes wouldn’t have killed without a reason. _I was in a war. They would have killed me, or Steve or anyone they could have if I didn’t pull the trigger. Pull the trigger._ He dozed off

_They whipped her and Bucky could see old scars and now Karpov was adding new ones to her back. Georgina cried and pleaded in Russian. He didn’t understand what she was saying, she just kept repeating it over and over._

_“Я буду хорошим пожалуйста. Нет больше проблем от меня. Я хочу домой.” How she still had a voice was beyond him. If she blacked out Karpov would wait until she woke up again and pick up where he left off. While she was out he would tell Bucky every filthy and degrading thing he had done to her over the last few years. If he had anything in his stomach he would have thrown up._

_“I think she’s done for now,” said Karpov nudging her limp form with his shoe. She moaned slightly and Bucky was stunned. How was she still alive?_

_“Russian woman tend to be a stubborn bunch. A little like you Americans. Too stubborn to know when to quit.”_

_“You’re a monster,” whispered Bucky. Calling him an animal would be an insult to them. Animals didn’t do this. Karpov shrugged and pounded on the door. Two guards came in and untied him from the chair before throwing him to the floor. One pulled him across the room to where Georgina had been whipped and tied him to that while the other one undressed him down to his underwear._

_“Now let’s see how long before you quit,” said Karpov and he felt the lash rip across his back and blood dripping down a second later. Bucky counted twenty before he blacked out. He would count another ten when he came too and another set of ten. Than he lost count._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Alison when they pulled up to the nursing home. Morning Glory Retirement Center

“What?” asked Steve.

“My grandfather lives here,” said Alison. Had she met Rebecca already and didn’t know it?

“I feel a little bad. I haven’t seen her in a few months and I’m asking for favors,” said Steve.

“If she knew this was James she would do it in a heartbeat,” said Alison. They headed inside and more than a few heads turned looking at them.

“So is it me or you they’re looking at,” teased Alison.

“Well I am rather well put together for a ninety six year old man,” said Steve and Alison fought back a laugh. The door had fake flowers on it and Steve knocked.

“Come in,” called a soft voice. Alison let Steve lead the way before following. Rebecca was sitting in a wheelchair by the window. Her once dark hair now gray and braided back, and she was dressed in black slacks and a white blouse. Her eyes were the same dark shade of blue as her brother’s and she gave Steve a mischievous grin.

“Six months without a visit and now you’re bring in some new floozy. At least this one isn’t British and proper. A good ole fashioned American Girl for Captain America,” said Rebecca and Alison had to bit her lip hard to keep from laughing. _God Bless old people who have no filter,_ thought Alison. Steve hung his head and.

“There is no dulling you is there?” Rebecca cocked her head to the side.

“I would bore you tears if I did dull.” She looked at Alison and her face softened. “Oh you're Robert’s girl. She brings the best dip during football season. Sneaks it in for us because good forbid we have anything with flavor or texture.”

Alison had to sit down she was shaking from trying not to laugh. _Was this what her brother was like before they ruined him? No wonder girls liked him so much-Make them laugh and make them breakfast,_ thought Alison.

“Well I’m glad you two already know each other,” said Steve sitting down trying to not turn red.

“I just knew her as Mrs. Chase,” said Alison getting out the book they picked up on the way.

“So what’s this for again?” asked Rebecca.

“I’m taking care of someone who happens to be a fan of your brother and well I think having you read of bit of your book about him and Steve might perk him up,” said Alison. Rebecca took the book and sighed.

"I swear if he had come back from the war the ego on him would have been impossible to deal with," said Rebecca looking at a photos on her nightstand. Alison followed her gaze to the photos. She saw one of Rebecca, James and Steve taken on Coney Island. He looked so happy and carefree with one arm around his sister and the other around a very skinny and small Steve. Alison could see the family resemblance between James and Rebecca, same dark hair, fair skin and well really good looking. Alison turned and saw Rebecca looking at them with that same piercing blue eyes her brother had, only they held a great deal of joy in them.

"That was taken the summer before Pearl Harbor. Right before Steve threw up on the roller coaster," said Rebecca with a bit of glee and Alison had to laugh.

“I think we can skip over me throwing up,” said Steve.

"So Bucky Barnes had an ego?" asked Alison and Rebecca looked over at Steve as if to telling him to be quiet.

"Not a mean one, but I can't count how many times he came creeping in on Sunday morning before Mass, or sneaking a girl out or how long his confessions took," said Rebecca and Alison could only imagine what a 1940's walk of shame looked like.

"He liked to have a good time when he could, but he was hard worker and a good man,” said Becca. Steve went over to look out a window and Alison could only imagine what was going through his mind right now.

"Listen to me carry on. What do you need darling?" asked Rebecca. Alison pulled out a tape recorder.

"Could you maybe read a chapter from the book and maybe you have a Bucky story that no one has ever heard. He's a huge fan and I think it might just cheer him a bit to hear from the person who knew him the best next to Captain America," said Alison.

"Of course sweetheart, but shouldn't I rehearse like the Book on Tape people?"

"Oh no, it will sound better if it's off the cuff, natural sounding. Like two friends talking," said Alison.

“I never thought this silly thing would sell. I wasn’t important the way Steve and James were,” said Rebecca.

“You were important to us,” said Steve still looking out the window. _She was twenty one when they left. He spent almost his whole life with her and James and than in the blink of an eye at least for Steve and James, she’s old and it’s hard to understand why,_ thought Alison.

“What chapter dear?” asked Rebecca.

“Start at the beginning,” said Alison turning on the tape recorder. Please let this work. They recorded a few chapters before lunch rolled around.

“I think we’ve gotten enough for now. Thank you so much Mrs. Chase,” said Alison.

“Please if you’re a friend of Steve’s you can call me Becca,” she said.

“I’ll give you two a minute. Might as well pop in on my old man while we’re here,” said Alison. Steve hadn’t left his spot by the window in over two hours. Give them a minute. Alison left and Rebecca looked at Steve.

“Do you want to spit out what’s bothering you?” _Your brother is alive and was turned into a killer by Hydra and it’s half my fault because I didn’t send him home to you,_ thought Steve. He turned around and faced her.

“Just feeling a bit guilty for not seeing you lately is all,” said Steve which wasn’t a total lie.

“You’ve been a little busy lately. We do watch the news you know,” said Becca and Steve sat down and took her hand in his.

“I should make more time for my annoying little sister though,” said Steve. Becca gave him a smile and patted his hand.

“So how did you meet her?” asked Becca.

“She knows my friend Sam and she mentioned a patient she was working with that was having some issues. I thought this would be nice for him,” said Steve,

“She’s a sweet girl. Robert told us she had a bad rough patch a while back, but she’s worked through most of it.”said Becca.

“Yeah she told me she was in a car accident awhile back,” said Steve and Becca frowned.

“ Robert said she was in Mid-town,” said Becca and Steve was confused.

“What?” asked Steve.

“She was in Mid-town when that alien invasion happened at least that’s what Robert told us. One of the other couple’s here had a son who was a police officer at the time in Mid-town. The new thing seems to be talking about how close your kids or grandkids were to Mid-town or Harlem during certain events,” said Becca.

“She didn’t say anything,” said Steve.

“Well if she was there maybe she didn’t want to tell Captain America about it. You did enough that day for a lot people,” said Becca.

“We can’t save them all,” said Steve recalling what Colonial Phillips had told him years ago.

“Bucky always told me I had a big mouth. She’s a nice girl and well you could use a nice girl,” said Becca and Steve looked at her.

“Not some Brit huh?” asked Steve teasing.

“She was nice enough. Not good enough for you though by a long shot,” said Becca. Steve said goodbye to her and asked a nurse where he could find Robert Conley’s room. They pointed him down the hall and to the right. _Why didn’t she tell me_ , thought Steve. He poked his head in and Alison was sitting across from an old man who was holding some drum sticks.

“Damn shakes used to wait till the afternoon before starting up,” he grumbled and Alison took his hands.

“I’ll leave a call for Dr. Mathis about your medicine. I know this is really hard for you,” said Alison.

“Don’t ever get old Ally it’s terrible. End it while you’re still pretty,” said Robert and her face paled a bit.

“I think I’m just gonna get old,” said Alison.

“Not a bit of sense,” said Robert and she just gave him a smile. I didn’t reach her eyes though. It reminded Steve of the last time he saw Peggy before he left D.C. How he had to smile and pretend he wasn’t dying on the inside looking at her.

“I know. I got it from you after all,” she said. The old man looked at her fondly.

“How’s Matt?” Her face paled a little again.

“He’s working. It’s Spring and that’s when they do all the big concerts. Remember we got to see him play Der Rossenkavalier?” asked Alison.

“Boy could play. It’s a shame you didn’t stick with music,” lamented Robert and Steve could tell she was trying to keep it together.  Steve knocked on the door. _It was my turn to off her an out._

“Who are you?” asked Robert.

“Grandpa this is Steve. He’s a friend of Sam. He was visiting his aunt and we’re all going out for lunch now,” said Alison and Robert looked at Steve and than he just looked bored.

“Well you tell Sam and Matt I said hello,” said Robert and Alison kissed him on the cheek.

“I will. Behave yourself,” said Alison. They left and she was quiet on their way back.

“So I think that went really well with Becca. I think Bucky is really gonna like it,” said Steve. She looked over at him and gave him a tired smile.

“Sorry. I zoned out for a bit,” said Alison.

“It’s never easy. Seeing them like that,” said Steve and Alison nodded.

“ He was having a bad day. I know I should correct him, but he really liked Matt,” said Alison fiddling with her ring. She looked back out the window. _Now would be a really crappy time to ask her about what happened,_ thought Steve. It did sort of push a little button in his head though. _She told you he was dead, why not the why? Maybe she wanted to spare your feelings or she wasn’t sure how you would take if you found out that her fiance died on your watch._

He and the others had been thanked for their part in saving New York, but a rumbling had started after that and it had only got louder lately. People wanted them held accountable for property damage or lives lost during their fights. They tried to save everyone they could, however things happened and you couldn’t save everyone no matter how hard you tried. Collateral damage is unavoidable and if you think only about who you didn’t save it’s going to ruin you from saving anybody. That was what Phillips had told them after they found the camp in Germany.

“You know I’m really glad you didn’t stick with music,” said Steve and she started laughing.

“Thanks. I really need that.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Bucky woke up and wasn’t sure how long he had been out. He knew he had been dreaming, but he couldn’t be sure if it was a dream of a memory. _Georgina,_ thought Bucky. He closed his eyes. _I don’t want to remember her anymore_. He opened his eyes again and saw it was past noon from the light in the room. They’ll be back soon. He was about to get up when Alison and Tony came into the room. Tony was wheeling his arm in on a tray.

“Do you need me to get you anything?” asked Alison.

“A rum and coke,” said Tony and Bucky almost laughed. _I wouldn’t mind a drink myself,_ thought Bucky.

“I think we have rubbing alcohol up here,” said Alison and sat down next to James.

“Is this going to hurt him?” asked Alison. _It’s not like I haven’t been hurt before_ , thought Bucky.

“Nah. This shouldn’t take too long,” said Tony going over to a drawer and lining up tools on another table.

“Once we get this done, we’ll have lunch and head upstate. Steve is calling to let them know we’re coming,” said Alison. “We’ll also listen to that recording we got on the way there.”

“Thank you,” said Bucky. _Really. Thank you for everything,_ thought Bucky. Tony came back over with the table of tools and the table with his arm.

“So hand me the tool to your right,” said Tony. She watched as Tony put the wires back on the shoulder base.

“You alright,” asked Alison noticing Bucky was getting a far away look in his eyes.

“I just want this done,” Bucky said softly _. I want to remember more about my sister than Georgina. What happened to her, don’t think about it,_ thought Bucky. She nodded and took his hand, he didn’t pull away. _She’s not them. She’s not going to hurt us_. Tony had the arm back on the base when a small shock went through him and he winced.

“It’s almost over,” said Alison. The world faded away for him and he remembered someone else telling him it was almost over.

_He lost track of how long the beating went on. Every inch of him hurt and Karpov didn’t seem to be wearing out. He pulled Bucky over to the bed and got him on it. He felt Karpov pull his last piece of clothing off and he couldn’t fight back. He felt the other man get into the bed and it took Bucky a second to realize he was also naked._

_“What are you doing?” asked Bucky barely keeping his eyes open. He was so tired and he just wanted to blackout. Without any warning he felt  Karpov go inside him. A scream tore out of him that he didn’t know he had in him. Karpov grabbed his hips and started thrusting in and out of him. Bucky felt blood running down his legs and he couldn’t stop screaming. Karpov reached down and started stroking him. To his horror he felt himself getting turned on._

_“Stop it,” pleaded Bucky his voice hoarse from screaming. Karpov grabbed him harder and didn’t stop._

_“It’s almost over and then it’s her turn,”  said Karpov._

It all happened so fast Tony and Alison didn’t know what was happening. The left arm was attached and had some function back when Bucky used it to shove Tony across the room. Tony hit his head and was out. Alison went to hit the button for the restraints when Bucky lunged at her, had her pinned to the floor and his right hand was wrapped around her throat. Black spots clouded her vision and she could feel something being crushed.

“Bucky!” cried a voice and she felt him being pulled off her. Her vision was clouded, but she was sure it was Steve. Alison pulled herself to her knees and coughed up blood. Steve was trying to put him in a choke hold, when James threw his head back hitting Steve in the face. James quickly grabbed the screwdriver and was trying to use it like a knife. Steve was trying to avoid it when James jammed it into his side. Steve lunged and got James on the floor.  They were rolling on the floor throwing punches and neither one of them getting the upper hand. _The button_ , thought Alison. She reached into her pocket and pulled it out.

 _I’m sorry_ , she thought as she pressed the button. James screamed and then everything was quiet.

 


	7. The Written Word

Tony groaned and sat up. His head hurt like a mother and he touched the back of it to see he was bleeding a bit. Everything looked blurry and he blinked several times to clear it up. The med lab was in shambles he couldn’t see anything that wasn’t broken. Steve was pushing Barnes off him and Alison was on her knees shaking. She dropped the button and coughed up some blood. _Oh that’s not good,_ thought Tony. Pulling himself up Tony wobbled over to her. _That’s gonna smart for a while_ , thought Tony.

“You alright?” asked Tony and she shook her head no. He could already see the whites of her eyes had gone pink. _That is really not good_ , thought Tony.

“Damn it,” muttered Steve and Tony noticed Steve was bleeding from his side and the screwdriver was covered in blood.

“Get him in bed,” croaked Alison pushing herself up and coughing. No blood this time which Tony hoped was a good thing. Tony grabbed the passed out man’s arms and pulled him over to the bed. Steve pulled himself up and it looked like the wound was already clotting. He picked Barnes up like he was a sack of potatoes and put him in the bed. Tony got the restraints on and sat down.

“Well that was new,” said Tony dryly.

“Should I call for medical assistance?” asked Friday. Tony looked over at Steve who didn’t seem to notice he had a puncture wound in his side and to Alison whose neck was already started to swell and bruise up. She needed to see a doctor. _She would get better care upstate_ , thought Tony. He should probably see someone himself.

“Do you think you can make it the ninety minutes to the facility there?” asked Tony taking her arm. She seemed to be taking in the lab in state of shock and Tony gave her arm a hard squeeze.

“I know you’re a little freaked out right now, but I need you to keep your head here. You need a doctor and I need to know if you’re going to be alright until we get there?” asked Tony. Alison nodded and Tony gave her arm another lighter squeeze. “Let’s get the Tin Man in the mini jet and we’ll all go up there,” said Tony.

Steve got Barnes on a gurney and made sure the restraints on that were tight before they left the lab. Tony noticed her breathing sounded labored.

“I think….oxygen,” she whispered.

“We should have some oxygen on the jet. Just keep breathing for Wilson,” said Tony. They got on the jet. Tony handed Alison a mini oxygen tank and mask and trusted she knew how to operate it. She still seemed to be a bit dazed and he couldn’t blame her that much. _A serious lack of oxygen would screw anybody up_ , thought Tony. His head wound was clotted and it was probably best to have Cap in the back with Barnes. Tony also didn’t trust Steve in his semi shocked state to fly properly.

“Um. Rogers. How is that wound looking?” asked Tony. Steve seemed to realize than that he was sort of injured. He lifted his shirt up to see a small puncture wound was already clotted and would only need cleaned and a small amount of dressing.

“I’m fine,” said Steve. Tony took off and he called Natasha to let her know they were going to need some medical assistance right when they landed. _So much for date night and sushi,_ thought Tony as he got ready to call Pepper.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve looked over at Bucky who was out cold. The only signs of their fight was a bit of blood that had dried from his lip and a bruise on his face when Steve slammed into the wall. Steve was pretty sure he wasn’t going to have any issues with the screwdriver wound. Tony seemed to be okay for the most part at least he appeared to be since he was flying the jet. Alison on the other hand looked like hell. Her eyes were closed and she breathing into an oxygen mask. Her neck was bright shade of red, puffy and it was a little to hard ignore the hand print mark on it. _What the hell happened?_ wondered Steve.

He went to call Natasha to let her know they would back this afternoon and he left Sam a message to head back to headquarters when Steve heard a crash come from the med lab. In the few second it took him to get there he found Tony in a heap on the floor and Bucky trying strangle Alison. He pulled him off her and tried to subdue him when he heard a zap sound and Bucky cried out and fell over.

“Alison can you tell me what happened?” asked Steve. She opened her eyes and there were bloodshot. _If you had been a few seconds slower_ , thought Steve and he mentally shook the thought away. She pulled the oxygen mask away and swallowed a few times before speaking. Her voice sounded rough and it looked like it hurt her to speak.

“I don’t know. He was fine when we started and then...I forgot to put his leg restraints back on. Stupid,” muttered Alison. They had been leaving his restraints off during the day. They also didn’t want him strapped down while they were gone if he needed to use the restroom and he seemed to be having a really good day so Steve really couldn’t blame her for not having the restraints on. Bucky groaned and Steve noticed Alison’s face paled looking at him. He stayed out though.

“You still have your slippers Dorothy?” asked Tony. Alison shook her head no and Steve was confused.

“What?” asked Steve and Tony explained about the built in fail safe in Bucky’s arm. That had been the zap Steve heard and what had taken Bucky out. Steve was torn, he didn’t like the idea of Bucky having something like that in him. It seemed a little too close to something Hydra might have tried in the past. On the other hand if Bucky had knocked him out he would have tried to finish her off and she was no match for him.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered and Steve was taken aback. She was actually upset that she used it.

“I’m not upset with you...it’s everything else. You might have saved us back there,” said Steve.

“It just happened so fast,” said Alison her voice still hoarse.

“No more talking,” said Steve. The swelling was bothering him and he had a feeling she was still not thinking clearly or else she was would have gotten some ice for that swelling. He got up and pulled out a cold wrap and handed it to her.

“This might help a little,” said Steve. She wrapped it around her neck and shivered for a second. Steve went back to his seat and looked at Bucky who now looked harmless and then to Alison who had met the Winter Soldier and was lucky to come out alive. _Few can say that,_ thought Steve.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 _How could you be so unbelievable stupid?_  thought Alison. She shivered but kept the cold wrap on her neck. She was trying to remember how you treated strangulation and all that kept coming to her mind was how stupid she had been. He should have been restrained and I should have seen he was starting to zone out. He’s never been that violent though and just because he was having a good day you should have seen it coming or at least been ready for it. Alison’s mind drifted back to a nurse she worked with a few years ago by the name of Mimi Loi. Mimi had been working as an ER nurse for over thirty years. She was always someone you wanted to be on call with because she knew how to handle everything.

They had a bad stretch one day that had everyone going over twenty hours when their ER had been slammed with overflow patients from Harlem after the Hulk and whatever the hell that gray thing had been tore up seven city blocks. Alison had been on call for at least sixteen of it before Mimi had sent her home when she caught her dozing leaning against a vending machine.

Mimi was about to end her last hour when a guy who was higher than a kite came into the ER. Tired and stressed beyond reason Mimi tried to send him off instead of the normal humoring they did with pill chasers. The man got louder, the ER grew tense and Mimi raised her voice telling him to leave. That was when he pulled a box cutter out and jumped the counter. Mimi hit the panic button and through sheer dumb luck one of the guards was just coming on took him out before he could cut Mimi. Mimi hadn’t gotten in trouble and shatterproof glass became a new feature at the front desk. Mimi though was mad at herself. She told Alison that she should have seen he was not right in the head and humored him along until she could get him out. _I was just so tired Ally and we didn’t have time to deal with him when we had real patients needing real help. He could have hurt someone because I was in bad mood and tired._

Alison hadn’t been tired or in a bad mood. She had just been plain stupid. _I’m not staying objective enough,_ thought Alison. She had been distracted a bit thinking about her grandfather and how quick his mind was going. _When is he going to start asking about dad?_ She had also been thinking about the turnaround James had shown towards her. She had accepted the fact that he might not ever like her as the friend she had been advised to be, but maybe she could help him as a medical professional she was supposed to be. She hadn’t expected how he had been last night. He had been nice to her. Had even seemed a bit concerned about why she had nightmares. _I think he even tried to flirt a little with that comment about me being too cute for Steve_ , thought Alison. She had been far too hopeful that he was going to come around and maybe let her help him instead of how they had be doing things which was very one sided. She swallowed a lump in her throat and the pain made her shudder a little.

She hadn’t wanted to use that button on him, but in that moment when he had her pinned she didn’t see anything in his eyes. She had handled violent patients before and they always had the same crazy and rage driven look in their eyes. He had looked right through her and he wouldn’t have thought twice about killing her and then moving on to either Tony or Steve. She had underestimated her patient like it was her first day of nursing school. _I’m not objective because I’m relating too much on a personal level with him,_ thought Alison. She knew how it felt, well she knew at least a little bit about how James felt. He had been cheated out of the life he wanted and now he had to go on trying to figure out what to do and where to go. He was supposed to die and he probably wanted to die. I know that too well.

_Alison opened the car door and pulled out her crutches. Renee got out of the driver's side and stood next to her._

_"He's a couple rows to the right of the us. I think it's the sixth row, fifth grave," said Renee. Alison nodded and started her way over. Renee had offered to bring the wheelchair, but she needed to be on her feet. The cast would be off by next week and she would just need to get used to walking normally again. She walked to Matt's grave and Renee carried the flowers. Alison found it and had to remember to breath. Matthew Wilson Quilin-Born April 15th 1986 Died May 4th 2012. There was a small etching of a violin on the tombstone which made her smile._

_“He would like that,” said Alison pointing at the etching._

_“It was beautiful service. God the place was standing room only. They did bury him with his violin.,” said Renee._

_“I hope you guys remember to bury me with my drum sticks,” said Alison and Renee grinned a little_

_“No, we’re gonna Viking your funeral. You and your drums on float on the Hudson and we’ll set in it on fire. It might be the cleanest thing in the river.” Renee sat the flowers down and put an arm around her friend._

_“They said they would meet us here,” said Alison twisting her ring._

_“We’re a few minutes early,” said Renee. Alison felt so tired all of sudden and just want to crawl back to bed when a car door slammed. Alison looked and there were Matt’s parents-Nick and Susan and his younger sister Rachel. They looked so broken she wanted to cry. Nick came forward first and hugged her carefully._

_“It’s good to see you awake sweetheart,” said Nick. Rachel came up next and hugged her. God she was only seventeen and she looked so old._

_“Hi honey,” said Alison and she went to hug Susan and the woman stepped away. Alison felt her heart break. She liked Susan and Susan had always been polite to her. They were just different people and would never have that super close bond. Right now though Susan wouldn’t even look her in the eye, she just stared at her son’s grave._

_“Is it hard to manage the crutches and arm cast all at the same time?” asked Rachel._

_“It’s a work out, but the leg cast should come off this week and I’ll start therapy than. I won’t be running any 10K’s for awhile, but I’ll manage. The arm is taking a bit longer,” admitted Alison._

_“We would have come to see you sooner….” Nick trailed off and Alison hugged him. They had to deal with burying Matt and they handed canceling most of the wedding stuff while her grandfather stayed with her. Renee, Sophia and Sarah had handled moving the apartment to the storage locker. She on the other hand was learning to be left handed and how to walk up six flights of stairs without wanting to cry from the pain._

_“Well we did see you when they let us know where you were, but you were…” started Rachel._

_“Either in surgery or in a coma,” said Alison trying to joke and Rachel smiled weakly._

_“I think it might have been the coma when we came,” said Rachel. It got so quiet Alison could hear cars on the road when Susan spoke up._

_“They said you weren’t wearing your seatbelt.” Alison nodded. “Why didn’t you have your seatbelt on?”_

_“It’s still a blur...but I think we saw the cars in front of us blow up and I wanted to get out see if anything could be done...stupid,” admitted Alison and Susan just walked away._

_“Susan!” called Nick and he shook his head. “I’m sorry Ally...she’s just. She hasn’t been taking this well...she’s not mad at you...she just.”_

_“She wants Matt. I understand that a hundred percent,” said Alison and she went to take her ring off and give to Nick.  It was after all Matt’s grandmother’s ring. She wasn’t going to be in their family and they should have it back._

_“No. You keep that,” said Nick and Alison shook her head. “It belongs in the family and even if the wedding didn’t happen. You are family.” Alison couldn’t help it and she started to cry. Nick hugged her and kissed her on the forehead._

_“Don’t be a stranger, but give Susan some time ok,” said Nick and Alison nodded unable to find words. He went off after his wife and Rachel shook her head._

_“I love you,” said Rachel and she gave Alison a hug and wiped her own tears away before going off after her parents._

_“God how did Matt come from that high strung troll?” asked Renee._

_“Renee she lost her son. Give her a break,” said Alison._

_“You weren’t awake but she was on a tear at the hospital. She had the balls to ask Robert why you weren’t driving in your car since your car was newer? Like that would have made a difference,” said Renee._

_“The brakes were acting odd. I wanted them checked out before we went to Niagara that’s why we had Matt’s car. I hated driving it since it was so big,” said Alison and Renee looked at her._

_“This is in no way, shape or form your fault. There was an alien invasion and you guys could have been driving a tank and still would have gotten blown up. You are so damn lucky Ally,” said Renee. Alison didn’t feel lucky and they headed back to the car. “Do you wanna stop for lunch?”_

_“No Gramps is gonna be home and I’m sure he’ll make me a sandwich,” said Alison. Renee patted her arm and they drove back to Brooklyn. She helped Alison up the six stories and Robert let them in. Renee left and Alison sat on the sofa and propped her right leg up._

_“How it go?” asked Robert._

_“I’m pretty sure Susan is never gonna speak to me again,” said Alison. Robert sat down with her and held her hand._

_“You know I loved Matty, but his mother is a bit of a pill. She just needs time,” said Robert. “You hungry. I was gonna make some grilled cheese.”_

_“Renee and I went to lunch already, but thanks,” said Alison. He patted her hand and went to the kitchen. Later on that night, Alison waited until Robert was asleep and went into the bathroom and turned on the sink. Her pain meds made her sick to stomach and she tried to avoid eating when she could, however he had insisted she have dinner with him. She made herself eat and felt sick instantly. She bent over the sink, made herself throw up and felt better seconds later. Some voice in the back of her mind told her she needed to stop doing this to herself, but she was so tired of feeling awful all the time and this was the one of the few things that she was in control of. She couldn’t leave the apartment on her own, she couldn’t go back to school this fall and she couldn’t sleep at night. More and more of the crash and that day started coming back to her. They had been running late and stuck in traffic. She closed her eyes and could see it so clearly.  She could hear it, smell it, feel the pavement under her. She could hear Matt screaming before she was tossed out of the car. She started crying, it was just one more thing she had lost control of. Her own future. She wasn’t lucky and wished she hadn’t woke up. It would have easier if she had died that day._

“Alison,” said Steve snapping her back to now. “We’re here.” She got up and followed Tony and Steve off the jet. Steve was wheeling Bucky’s gurney and Tony lagged behind Steve. There was a beautiful red headed woman waiting for them along with a tall sandy haired man and a small Asian woman. The redhead was studying her and she offered a hand to Alison

“I’m Natasha. You must be Sam’s friend Alison.” Alison nodded and Natasha looked over at Steve.

“Do you want any help him?” she asked and Steve nodded. Natasha took the end the gurney and started wheeling it

“I’m fine,” said Tony rubbing his head. The Asian woman sighed and went over to Tony.

“Right this way Mr. Stark,” she said taking him inside. The tall man looked at Alison frowning.

“I’m David. Come on let’s see if we can fix that.”  

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Bucky  could close his eyes, but he could still hear Georgina and she was crying from what Karpov was doing to her. He was covered in blood and god knows what else and there seemed to be no end in sight for either one of them._

Bucky woke up and was strapped to the bed alone in a different room from the one he had been in. How did I get here? Steve came in with a small man in a white coat and table full of tools. The man stopped short when he saw him.

“I thought he was out,” whispered the man to Steve and Steve rubbed his forehead.

“He’s restrained now and I’ll be here with you the whole time,” said Steve. The man gave Steve a look, but said nothing. Bucky could tell though he didn’t want to be in the room with him. He sat down and started working on his left arm. It wasn’t on tight enough and he didn’t have all function in yet.

“Where am I?” asked Bucky looking at Steve.

“This is Avenger Headquarters. This is just a temporary room for you,” said Steve. The man was quick and Bucky moved the fingers on his left hand and the man eyed him nervously.

“You can go now,” said Steve. The man quickly got up and almost ran from the room.

“What’s his deal?” asked Bucky and Steve just looked at him.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” asked Steve. His tone, low and worried is what gave Bucky a hint that something was amiss. _Why didn’t he finish my arm? Tony. He wanted a drink._

“Alison told Tony he could have rubbing alcohol as a drink,” said Bucky. _She was holding his hand. It wasn’t like the others. It was small. Had a few callouses, but it was gentle._

“Do you remember anything after that?” asked Steve his tone getting more worried and it was starting to set him on edge. Why was he restrained? He hadn’t been restrained when Tony and Alison had been with him. Why didn’t Tony finish the arm? Where is Alison?

“What happened?” asked Bucky and Steve suddenly looked very tired too him.

“Everyone is going to be okay and that’s the important thing,” said Steve and Bucky felt a chill go through his spine.

“What happened?” asked Bucky feeling his temper rise. _Tell me the truth Steve._

“It wasn’t your fault,” said Steve and Bucky snapped.

“What the hell did I do?” demanded Bucky.

“You attacked Tony and Alison. We got into a fight before you were tasered,” said Steve sounding ashamed and everything came back to Bucky in a flash. He shoved the man across the room. Just another tech meant to maintain him.The woman looked panicked and she had his hand in hers. She went to push a button when he lunged at her and had her pinned. His right hand tightening around the soft flesh of her neck. He liked the fear in her eyes. The power he had over her in that moment. Then something was pulling him away. The mission. His failure. He wouldn’t fail this time.

Bucky felt sick to his stomach. He closed his eyes and wished Steve would leave. _I wanted you dead. I wanted you all dead. I would have done it too._

“It was my fault,” whispered Bucky and Steve started to say something when Bucky looked at him. “Stop acting like I haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve killed people. I’ve tried to kill you and I tried to kill two people who were only trying to help me.” _You killed her too. They made you kill her._

_When it was all done she was barely alive on the floor next to him. Georgina was curled up and Karpov pulled him off the floor and handed him a gun._

_“Kill her...kill her and I’ll leave you alone for a bit,” he said. Bucky took the gun with a shaking hand and was about to use it on Karpov when he pulled his own gun. “This is all very tiresome. Shoot the girl or I shoot you and then her. You’ll live of course, but she’ll still be dead. You owe her a good death after all.” Bucky started crying from the pain, shame and humiliation this man had just forced on him and on her. Yes he owed Georgina. This was his fault. He went over to Georgina and touched her hair._

_“It’s alright...shush,” said Bucky._

_“Я хочу домой,” she whispered and Bucky didn’t understand her. He cocked the gun and steadied his hand. He did promise to get her out and this was the only way out._

_“I’m sorry,” she whispered and he pulled the trigger. They left him with her body. He held her until they came for him and it was back to the chair. He had no name. He didn’t want to be James Barnes anymore._

She wanted to go home, he understood now what she had been saying. That was all either one of them wanted was to go home. He was home now and he wanted to run from it. _I shouldn’t have come home. I should have just let myself die and it would be easier on everyone._ He pulled on his restraints and they wouldn’t budge.

“You’re going to hurt yourself,” said Steve and Bucky glared at him.

“Why didn’t you kill me?” asked Bucky and Steve closed his eyes and looked like he was going to cry.

“You know why. Till the end of the line,” said Steve. Damn you and damn her for trying. I need to get them away from me.

“I wanted her dead. Alison,” said Bucky. “ I’ve thought about it so many times and she would never see it coming. I wanted to kill her and you. If either one of you has any sense you would stay away from me or put a bullet in me. I’m not who you think I am. I’ll…” Steve left the room and Bucky could see he had finally driven him to near tears. _At least one them has sense. Please god let her have the sense to run away from me._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve quickly wiped his eyes the second he got out of the room. It was the tone Bucky use that had driven him out. How unbelievably cold and precise he sounded when talking about how he wanted them dead. _Is any part of you in there anymore?_ wondered Steve. He just needed out of that room before his friend saw him lose it. He was tempted to go back in there and beg whatever was on that bed to be his friend again. He knew that Bucky might not ever come back all the way, but whoever that was in that room was something he didn’t even know how to cope with at this moment. She would never see it coming. He would have killed her and who knows if he would ever feel anything about it? Natasha came up to him and put a hand on his arm.

“He’s not himself right now,” said Natasha she had been watching on a monitor in the other room.

“I know,” said Steve trying to not sound defeated.

“Cho says Tony is going to be fine. Just a few stitches. Dugan is still treating Alison, but it doesn’t look like he damaged anything permanently. She’s going to be sore for a few days and have some nasty bruising. They’re both going to be okay,” said Natasha. Steve slumped to floor. Only a few hours ago Bucky had seemed a little like himself and now the Winter Solider was there in the body of his best friend.

“I can’t let her near him anymore,” said Steve and Natasha looked at him.

“She might be tougher than she looks,” said Natasha giving him a small smile and Steve didn’t return it.

“I can’t let her near him and feel alright about it. She really wouldn’t see it coming if he wanted to hurt again and the next time she might not get to her taser button or have someone who could help her. I know she tried and for a second I really thought it would work. She’s not safe with him and I can’t ask her to go back and be in a room with someone who wants her dead and can make it happen in under a minute it he really wanted too,” said Steve getting up and heading down to the med center. Natasha sighed and followed him. It took a Russian to know a Russian (somewhat Russian) and right now Barnes was playing Steve like a fiddle. He wanted them both gone because being with them meant facing what he had done over the last seventy years and she could only imagine how red his ledger was.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

She hated neck braces, but she knew it was for her own good though. David Dugan, the grandson of Dum-dum Dugan put it on her and gave her a small smile.

“So welcome to the team,” he said and she had to force herself to not laugh at how insane the whole situation was right now. She had almost been killed and now she was meeting her soon to be new co workers in the worst possible way.

“Cho is in charge of all the doctors on staff and I handle all the nurses and techs. So I’m just one of your many new bosses,” said Dugan sitting down. Alison picked up the notepad and pen he had given her. She was under a no talking rule for at least the next eight hours. Her vocal cords and windpipe were bruised, but luckily her spinal cord had made it out alright. _All he needed to do was add a bit more pressure and...stop it,_ thought Alison.

“So this is not how I wanted to meet everyone,” she wrote and held up the notepad.

“Ah this isn’t so bad. I got recruited after spending six months in Africa and I just got out of an Ebola quarantine. Not how I imagined meeting an American legend,” said David and Alison grinned a little.

“Must have been super weird considering your family history,” wrote Alison. David shrugged.

“It was always a bit weird to know your family member is going to be on your history exam. I could never fail that subject. So what was it like finding out your childhood bestie turned into a superhero?”

“Well he wasn’t voted ‘Most likely to be a superhero’ during high school. He was a bit of a Cap dork growing up. Still it does sound a bit stupid to call him Falcon out loud sometimes,” wrote Alison and David laughed.

“Oh you must have stories and we can’t wait to hear them,” said David and Alison looked at her blankets. “You are still coming on right?” asked David.

“Not sure. I was rather stupid with my only patient,” wrote Alison.

“We all screw up sometimes. See this,” David rolled his sleeve up and there was a scar from his elbow to his wrist. “I went in to help with a biopsy and even though the chart read the patient was showing signs of paranoia I didn’t make sure he was restrained and I pulled out a needle right in front of him. He got the scalpel and I ended up with about sixty eight stitches. The doctor got stabbed in the side and it missed her liver by about three inches. I was stupid and I knew more than that little girl just out of med school and I didn’t speak up. We all have really stupid moments with patients,” said David. There was a knock and there stood Steve looking downcast.

“Just think it over alright,” said David getting up and leaving the room. Steve came in and sat down.

“Hey,” wrote Alison and Steve frowned. “It’s just for the next eight hours,” she wrote.

“Still,” said Steve and he seemed very uncomfortable.

“How is he?” asked Alison holding up her notebook.

“He’s awake. He didn’t remember at first what happened at first. He’s just really hostile right now,” said Steve. Alison nodded and wrote for a few minutes.

“I’m really not sure where we go from here. This is sort of a major setback. Not liking me is one thing and I had accepted that. However this goes beyond not liking me. I’m no good to him if I’m just going to make him angry all the time and trigger violent outbursts. I should have admitted it sooner. There’s nothing wrong with being angry. He has every right to be angry. But in order for us to work together he has to be open to it at least a little bit. I’m also really not objective when it comes to him and I’m really sorry about that. I haven’t been honest about somethings. It’s a very long story. Let’s just say I know what it’s like to wake up in the wrong life the way he has been since 1945,” wrote Alison.

“Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people all the time,” said Steve recalling something Natasha had said when they had been on the run from SHIELD. She would tell the truth when she felt it was right. She wasn’t withholding it because she didn’t trust him, she was withholding because she wanted him to have a good opinion of her. _Like Banner scared of what people really think of him or Tony trying to save us all_.  Alison went back to her notebook.

“It might be best if we took a much longer break. He does need a lot of help and I’m not sure if I’m the right fit for him right now. I’m really sorry,” she wrote.

“Don’t be sorry. I was about to come in here and ask you to step aside. I can’t in good faith ask you to treat him anymore. He’s beyond angry about what happened to him. He even scares me a little,” admitted Steve. Alison could tell it hurt him on some level to admit he was scared of his best friend. _It would be like me being scared of Sam._

“I would like it if you stayed on though. You aren’t a bad nurse and we could use more people on the medical staff. You did quit your other job after all,” said Steve.

“I do miss hanging out with Sam,” she wrote. “I would like to stay on in some form. It’s a little overwhelming being here, but it feels like the right place for now,” she wrote. Steve went to say something when Natasha knocked on the door.

“Sam is back. You wanna sit him down or should I do it?” asked Natasha. Steve stood up.

“I’ll tell him,” said Steve. He left the room and Natasha leaned against the doorframe studying her like she was cat playing with her food.

“What?” asked Alison holding up her notebook.

“He’s playing you both. You and Rogers are too nice for your own good. He needs someone who can take it and maybe give it back a little. Think it over,” said Natasha and she left the room. Alison looked down at the blanket and twisted her engagement ring. A few moments later Sam came in and she couldn’t remember him ever looking that upset.

“I can’t leave you alone for five minutes,” said Sam. He came over to the bed and hugged her so tightly she thought a rib would break.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Someone came in with a tray of food and Bucky could tell they were trying to stay calm. The man sat it on a table next to him and he noticed he had been given paper utensils. He pushed the tray in front of Bucky and adjusted the bed so he could sit up. He undid his right arm and stepped back quickly. He almost ran out the room and Bucky picked up the paper spoon and frowned. _What did you expect you tried to kill three people a few hours ago?_ It was some sort of soup, a sandwich and mix of fruit and veggies. He took bit of the sandwich and found it was dry. He pushed it to the side and looked at the soup, took a bite and found he wanted salt and pepper for it. _Alison  would have asked you what you wanted. You tried to kill her. I doubt she’ll ever ask your opinion about anything again._ Bucky jabbed at his soup with the spoon and felt something getting tight in his chest. She had started to grow on him and he really had wanted to try getting along with her. _You tried to kill her and if she has any sort of sense she won’t come back. I don’t want her to have sense. I...what the fuck do I want? You proud of yourself? She saved your life and you almost killed her. Is she really ok? Steve could have lied to spare us...because of some misguided sense of loyalty. She could really be dead and no one is telling me? Because I don’t have enough blood on my hands._

He threw his tray off the table and wished he had something else to throw. The door opened again and there stood a red headed woman. She came into the room and frowned at the mess.

“Someone has to clean that up now. That was really rude,” she said and she sat down next to him and he glared at her.

“Get out,” said Bucky and the woman settled into the chair.

“You haven’t even been here a full six hours and you are already causing a scene. The medical staff is terrified of you. They told Steve they won’t come near you without an armed escort a few feet away. Apparently choking your last caretaker is making them have second thoughts. She seemed really nice. I’m a little jealous. My transition team didn’t seem to care the way Steve and...whatever her name is,” she said.

“Alison,” said Bucky without thinking and the woman remained expressionless.

“Do you remember me?” she asked. Bucky looked at her and thought.

“You shot me,” he said recalling the glass fracturing in his goggles.

“You shot me first. Odessa,” she said and he closed his eyes _. It was cold out and he could hear the handle muttering about how the transport was late. It was only a few minutes behind. He spotted the car even though it’s lights were off and it was black. The car was armored and he aimed for the tires. Two quick shots took out all four wheels and the car lost control and went over a cliff. The handler was pleased, but he wanted to make sure. He went down and when he got there she was pulling the Mission up. A look of surprise and rage filled her face. She tried covering the man with her body. He only needed to kill the man. No sense in taking her out. Plus she might learn something from this. He aimed carefully and he took the man out by shooting through her. She bit back a groan of pain and the rage grew on her face. He said nothing and left her there to live or die on her own._

“I’m Natasha by the way and you shot me again in D.C. It was bad enough you ruined bikinis for me, you also ruined strapless dresses too,” she said when she noticed he was coming back to himself.

“You tried to choke me. Messed up my arm,” said Bucky looking at the blankets.

“And what did Steve and Alison do to you?” asked Natasha and he felt that tightness in his chest again wished she would go away.

“Just leave me alone,” said Bucky.

“Now why would I want to do that?” asked Natasha. He went to lunge at her and found he was strapped to the bed still.

“They do care about you. They don’t care how red your ledger is or how much you hurt them. She’s stepping aside to let someone else take care you. Not because of what you did to her, but because she and Steve agreed it was the best thing for you,” said Natasha and he didn’t know how much more he stand her being here. She stood up and looked at him.

“You have to face what you were sooner or later. You’re going to want someone on your side when you do face it,” said Natasha. She got up and left the room. Bucky just looked the wall. Someone on his side. _I don’t deserve to have anyone on my side._ She had taken his hand and for once he hadn’t been scared. He knew she wouldn’t hurt him. She knew what it was like to have the nightmares. Nightmares that pulled you out of sleep and wishing you didn’t have to go back to sleep. Steve cared too. Steve had been ready to face his own death than to raise a hand to defend himself. Till the end of the line. Where did the line end? How much hurt could he force on two people before they ended it. Who decided when the line ended?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Sam got her some water and long straw so she could drink it. Alison wrote ‘thank you’ on her notepad and he sighed.

“I don’t know who is going to kill me first-my aunt or Renee. You missed the sound ass chewing I got when I told them you were going to be joining the team,” said Sam.

“I’m the dumbass who underestimated her patient. They mean well and they just worry a lot about you. It’s a little hard to wrap your head around some days that you might be defending the world from aliens. Robots. Alien Robots?” she wrote and he gave her a small smile.

“Well so far there haven’t been any more aliens and I haven’t heard of alien robots yet,” said Sam. He took her hand and squeezed it. “Are you really okay?”

“I’m a little mad at myself for being so stupid. I’m a lot more mad at myself for not realizing how non objective I am in this,” wrote Alison.

“Maybe he needed someone who wasn’t objective. You’re a good nurse Ally and he needed that. I don’t know maybe I wasn’t objective in dragging you into this. I just really missed us. I know things got really crappy between us and we didn’t talk about a lot of stuff,” said Sam and Alison started writing quickly.

“I knew you weren’t happy during your last tour and I didn’t ask why. I was sort of not all there. I was just so mad about everything and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I just…” she sat the notebook aside and took a deep breath.

“I had everything planned and it was gone in a nano second. I,” Sam cut her off.

“No talking. You are going to hurt yourself,” said Sam. Alison went back to her notebook.

“I was just so mad and I just felt so lost and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do next. I spent over ten years of my life with Matt and suddenly I had to figure out how to be without the person I wanted to have kids with and grow old with and it just really, really, really freaking sucked,” she wrote and underlined the word sucked three times.

“I wanted to tell you, but when we did talk I could tell you were still trying to get over what happened. You don’t expect to go fight a war only have it end up on your doorstep. I joined up to keep people like you and Matt safe. I was mad Ally and then I lost my wingman…” Alison looked puzzled at the term. “Not like a guy who helped me pick up chicks. Well sometimes he would when we were Stateside,” said Sam trying to break up how tense he felt. He had been holding this back from her and the rest of his family for sometime now.

“His name was Riley. I wrote about him once or twice I think,” said Sam and Alison nodded a bit. “ We had been picked to test the Falcon tech together and we just clicked right away. We started doing all our missions together and one night we were sent out to do a standard PJ opt when an RPG took him down and I was just there to watch him. I was right there and I couldn’t do anything. I wasn’t here when people needed me and I couldn’t do anything for the people there. I just didn’t know where I was suppose to go. When I heard about the DC post I jumped at it and a chance to get out. I wasn’t ready to come here and face everything yet. I think I was there about four weeks when you...you know,” said Sam.

“Ended up at Camp Happy?” wrote Alison and Sam gave her a look that was trying to not be amused.

“I think being there did warp your already dark sense of humor beyond reason,” said Sam.

“Well one lady I was with called it her long overdue spa weekend. She had been in for about five months when I showed up. I’m really sorry about your friend,” she underlined the word sorry and took his hand.

“I guess we both got really good at keeping stuff from each other huh,” said Sam.

“At the very worst moment in time. I really missed you and when I heard you we coming back, but not to New York I took it sort of personally. Everyone else was already super weird around me and everything just got bigger and bigger in my head and nothing I did seemed to make anything better. It was really stupid and I’m really sorry,” wrote Alison and Sam hugged her.

“I know,” said Sam. She hugged him back and both of them felt a very large weight lift off their chest.

“So we’re you really the only person not trying to kill Captain America a few years ago?” wrote Alison and she added a little smiley face with some question marks around it. He started laughing and filled her in on the whole story. They talked a little bit more-he had a lead on his Ant-man, but he was sure that he was really on there side. It was a few hours before Sam finally admitted he was tired.

“Get some sleep. We’ll go back into the city for a few days before you get settled in here for good. Night Ally-Cat,” said Sam.

“Night Sammy,” she whispered. He left the room and she found she couldn’t sleep. She wouldn’t be treating James, but it didn’t mean she couldn’t try to help him. She found some clean pages and started writing.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

No one came until the next morning to see him. It was a team of two. One person cleaned up the dried soup and food from yesterday and the other one sat his food off to the side while they took his vitals.

“I need to use the bathroom,” said Bucky and both techs looked nervous.

“Umm. Well,” stammered one of the techs

“We’ll get someone,” said the second tech. They both left the room and Bucky sighed internally _. So this is going to be my life. People nearly pissing their pants just by being in the room with me despite the fact I’m tied to bed_. He looked over and saw the tray had scrambled eggs and they were getting cold. Alison and Steve didn’t flinch. _Probably too stupid to flinch. They cared about me though. How long has it been since someone really cared about me as a person and not as a weapon?_

Natasha came back in and flipped the switch that took his resistants off. She held up a white clicker of some sort.

“Tony made me one before he left last night. It was what saved Alison from you yesterday. You try anything funny and I hit this little button and you get a shock through the arm that knocks you out. Understand?” asked Natasha.

“Yeah,” said Bucky. At least she wasn’t freaking out the other people had so far. She took him to a bathroom area and waited outside. She marched him back to his room when he was finished and threw all the restraints back on save for his right arm. She wheeled the table over and sat a tightly folded thing of pages on his tray. He looked at the folded paper confused and she shrugged.

“Someone wanted to say goodbye, but it wasn’t in her best interests to see you face to face. She’s handed you off to another doctor who advised her against it. I have to applaud you for playing people so well. They actually think they’re helping you,” Natasha left and Bucky took a bite of his stone cold eggs and found they had no flavor. _Would it kill them to use a little salt and pepper? She gave me to another doctor because she wanted to help me. I nearly killed her and she still wants to help me._ He pushed the tray away and picked up the folded papers in front of him. Her loopy handwriting filled the page and he started reading.

_James,_

_I’m really not sure where to start so just start by saying that I’m not leaving you as a punishment. It wasn’t your fault. What happened was an accident and I’m sorry for not seeing you weren’t well and trying to help you through it. I’m not sure I’m the best person to help you through this time. In order to help you I have to be objective and truth be told I haven’t been the most objective person with you. Once again not your fault. It’s mine. I sort of understand a little too well what it’s like to be cheated out of a life. To have to live in world that you never could have imagined. To try to move on when it seems almost impossible._

_A few years ago I was engaged and would have been married almost three years this week. I’m not sure how much you were made aware of current events, but New York was attacked by aliens. Like the out the of sky-outer space variety. It still sounds crazy even as I write it. My fiancee and I were on our way to meet some friends when the attack happened. The only reason I’m still here is because I started to get out of the car. He didn’t make it. I barely made it out alive and nothing seemed right after._

_I was so mad about everything and I didn’t know how to deal with being that angry. It wasn’t fair. I had my entire life planned out and it was gone in a second and I didn’t know why I was still here. My whole life started to crumble and it got to the point where I didn’t wanna be here anymore._

_I had every intention of ending everything. After years of being around hospital drugs I knew which ones would end things quickly and I had access to them. I had a bottle in my pocket and was ready to head home when one of the doctors on staff cornered me. Was willing to let me steal if we came to a certain ‘arrangement’.  He tried to touch me and I hit him in the face. I nearly broke his nose. Needless to say the higher ups were called in, they found the bottle he knew I had and one thing spiraled out to another and I got sent to mental hospital for treatment. I was there until ten months ago trying to get myself back in some sort of working order_

_I know you went through a lot more than what I went through and what I went through might seem petty and small in comparison, but it was the lowest point in my life. I didn’t see a way out or a reason to go on. It wasn’t easy and at times I wished I had been smarter about ending things, but eventually I found a reason to keep going. I know someday you’ll find your reason to keep going._

_Don’t let them win anymore. I know you’re angry and you might be that way for a very long time. Just don’t let it be the only thing you feel ever again. They tried to take your life and you’ve fought back. You are much stronger person than you think you are. You have a second chance. Don’t let them have that too. I don’t know when, but someday things won’t look so dark. I want you to keep the dog tags. Something to remind you that you shouldn’t give up no matter how bad it looks._

_Good luck_

_Alison_

The tightness in his chest was almost too much to take. She was sorry. He hurt her and she was apologizing to him. She wasn’t blaming him and wanted the best for him. _Georgiana was sorry too. I hurt her and she was sorry. Alison made me remember because she cared the way Georgina did, she didn’t want me to die or get hurt. They said they were sorry...they said they were sorry to the monster who hurt them._

He rubbed the tags with his right hand. She was letting him keep them. _Don’t give up no matter how bad it looks._ He wanted to give up right now. He was terrible person and he had hurt so many people. _I didn’t want to hurt them and even though I hurt her she still wants me to be okay._ The tears finally broke through. He was sorry for what he had done and now with her leaving he wouldn’t get to apologize.He might not ever see her again and she understood him better than he thought. _If I could just see her one more time. I just wanna say I’m sorry._

“Bucky?” asked a voice. He looked up and saw Steve standing there. _At least I can apologize to one person._

“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean too…”

“I know,” said Steve coming into the room and sitting in the chair next to him. Bucky fiddled with the tags and Steve took the folded up papers.”Can I read this?” Bucky nodded and Steve read the letter and when he finished he sat it down.

“She’s right you know. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can fight this and you can win,” said Steve.

“I don’t want a new doctor. I want her,” said Bucky. He wanted the endless chatter. The way she looked at him with all the patience in world no matter what. He wanted someone who could understand even a little of what he felt. _I didn’t get the life I wanted either and I’m not sure I should have this one._

“We can ask her to treat you again, but she might not say yes. She stepped aside because she wanted the best for you,” said Steve.

“I don’t want the best. I want her,” said Bucky firmly.

“I’ll call her tomorrow. She went back to New York with Sam for a few days to recover and to pack. She’s going to be here as a nurse for everybody. Even if she doesn’t agree to take you back on, you’ll see her again,” said Steve. Steve patted his friend’s arm and Bucky shook his head.

“Can I also get a hot breakfast? These eggs suck,” said Bucky poking the lump with the paper fork. Steve couldn’t help it and he started to laugh and Bucky gave an uneasy smile. He wasn’t sure if he deserved people on his side, but he needed them. Till the end of line.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love it? Hate it? Drop a line.


	8. Friends and spies like us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A hint of X-men if you squint. 
> 
> In a perfect world Marvel would own all the comic things.

“We can give all of Matt’s clothes to the Parish. They can also have the dishes and the sheets. I wanna keep the towels,” said Alison going through a box of linens. She and Sam were working through the storage unit she had the following morning. After she had been released from the hospital she had been unable to live on her own so she had moved back in with her grandfather. Renee, Sophia and Sarah had moved almost everything from her and Matt’s apartment to this storage unit. She had never set foot in here and was now trying to sort what she wanted to keep and what could be given away.

“Found the movies,” said Sam sitting a box on a coffee table. Alison opened the box up and started digging.

“Do you want these Bloodsport movies?” asked Alison holding up a box set and Sam shook his head.

“I forgot what bad taste Matt had in movies,” said Sam. Alison took the box set and put it in a box for the Parish store.

“Oh hey it’s my Scream trilogy. We really should have a movie night again,” said Alison. She took a drink of water and tried not to wince. Her throat was going to hurt for awhile and she sounded sort of hoarse. At least she was out of the neck brace and could talk. Sam pulled out another box set of Batman movies when his phone went off.

“Hey Steve. Yeah. She’s right here. He what?!” asked Sam his eyes wide. He handed her the phone. “This one is for you.” Alison took the phone and cleared her throat.

“Hello,” said Alison.

“How are you feeling?” asked Steve.

“A little sore. The liquid diet sucks,” joked Alison.

“Would you be willing to come back sooner than we talked about?” asked Steve.

“I can’t come back until Sunday night,” said Alison. Saturday was the memorial service for those who had died during the invasion and she was visiting her grandfather Sunday morning. _Not to mention I have put off going through this unit for too long and I really need to do this_ , thought Alison.

“He’s asking for you,” said Steve and she nearly dropped the phone.

“What?” asked Alison slightly confused.

“He doesn’t want the new doctor. Bucky wants to work with you,” said Steve and Alison had to sit down on the sofa.

She wasn’t sure what to think. She and Steve had spoken with the new doctor before she left and they agreed it was in his best interest that she not be around him anymore. She had wanted to give him the letter and say goodbye in person, but they didn’t want to trigger an outburst. It was Natasha who had come to her before she left and agreed to take the letter to James.

“You still there?” asked Steve.

“Trying to grasp what you’re telling me,” said Alison.

“I think the setback might have caused a breakthrough of sorts. He really seems to miss you and said he didn’t want the other doctor. He wants you. He said that you seem to understand things,” said Steve. _The letter clearly had a big impact than I thought it would,_ thought Alison.

“Bucky let me read what you wrote him,” said Steve and Alison felt a sort of weight lift off her shoulders. If Steve read the letter he knew what happened and still wanted her to be on the team. _Maybe you aren’t such a screw up after all,_ she thought

“I’m sorry about what happened, but he’s right. You do understand things,” said Steve.

“I just need to handle some things here first. I promise I’ll be back on Sunday night. Tell him we’ll start first thing Monday morning,” said Alison. She need time to prepare herself for taking him on again. He asked for her, but he could just as easily change his mind again.

“I will,” said Steve. He ended the call and Alison looked at Sam and he shook his head.

“Do you want a one way ticket to Mexico?” asked Sam seeing the look of nervousness on her face and Alison shrugged.

“I was brought in to treat him.You said I would be good at this,” said Alison and Sam sat down on the sofa with her.

“I did,” said Sam. He knew her well enough to know she was going to start thinking herself in circles and doubting herself so he reached over and grabbed the Batman boxset. “So...you really let Matt have Batman and Robin in your home I am very ashamed of you.”

“It was part of the set,” protested Alison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bucky sat with Natasha and he read the second Harry Potter book. _You didn’t finish the first one,_ he thought. It was most likely still lying in the medical lab along with the recording of Becca that Alison and Steve had gotten for him. He look over at Natasha who was playing on her phone. After being with Alison for almost a week the silence coming from Natasha was a bit odd to him and he decided to put a stop to it

“You’re from Russia too,” said Bucky sitting the book aside. She sat the phone aside and looked at him. He wasn’t really sure what to make of her. She got along with Steve from what he had seen and she didn’t seem scared of him either, compared to everyone else here. She just seem to take him as he was.

“I was. I defected in the early 2000’s to join SHIELD,” she said and adjusted herself in the chair. “The girls in the Red Room were taught a little about you.” admitted Natasha.

“Like what?” asked Bucky. Apparently his fate was for other people to know his life better than he did.

“We were told you were the perfect weapon for Russia. That you gave up everything in service to her. That we would only be so lucky to be as good as you were. It appears that some facts were twisted,” said Natasha.

“Clearly,” said Bucky barely holding back his disdain.

“You taught some of the girls,” said Natasha. “At least those were the rumors. By the time I was learning they said you had been lost after the Fall. It was a bit shocked to see you in Iran. After all you were a legend in a lot of ways. ”

Bucky closed his eyes and thought. _Classical music filled the air and he could see young girls in front of him. Not older than ten. Looking at him with wonder and fear in their eyes. Him showing a young girl how to hold her weapon, to deal with the kickback, to load quickly. Someone went to hit one of the girls when she dropped a bullet and he lashed out hitting the other instructor._

_“Don’t touch her!” he spat and he wasn’t allowed to see the girls after that. He was punished for causing a scene. Hours in the chair and a beating before going back to his cryo chamber._

“I did. I taught some of them. I didn’t like it when they were punished so I wasn’t allowed to come back,” said Bucky and Natasha nodded.     

“A few of them called you Big Brother. I haven’t seen any of them since coming to SHIELD, but I’m sure they’re still out there. It might be best if I avoid the class reunions” said Natasha with a slight grin.

“They were so little. I didn’t like them being hit,” said Bucky more to himself. Natasha watched him get a far away look in his eyes and she had her hand on her button when he came back. His arms were free and she had seen that left arm tear through metal and if he wanted it bad enough he could get her.

“Vie en Rose,” he muttered.

“What?” asked Natasha.

“Nothing,” he said and went to pick his book back up when Steve came in.

“Well?” asked Bucky trying not to sound too hopeful. She had every right to say no. _You did try to kill her after all_ , thought Bucky and he shoved the thought away.

“Alison will be back sometime Sunday night. She said you could talk to her on Monday,” said Steve and Bucky nodded.

“Thank you,” said Bucky and he picked the book back up. _She’s coming back._ Steve went to go run a training drill and Natasha leaned back in her chair and studied him until he closed the book and looked at her.

“What?” asked Bucky.

“It’s only Thursday. Do you really want to wait that long to get things off your chest?” asked Natasha. Natasha knew you could only hold so much in before you snapped and he needed to get something out badly. He knew Steve and maybe that made it harder for him to open up and tell him things. _He’s not sure how badly his friend will think of him. He really doesn’t know or remember that Steve couldn’t think badly of him ever_.

“It’s only a few days,” said Bucky trying to keep his tone collected.

“A lot can happen in a few days. Tony Stark created an AI in three days. A demi god nearly leveled New York in two days. Steve and I brought down SHIELD in two days. Should I go on?” asked Natasha.

“What are you suggesting?  It’s not like I can walk out of here,” said Bucky. His arms were free, but his legs were restained. It had been a long time since she had done a breakout, but he needed out of here and he need to talk to someone. _I had Barton and he needs a Barton._

“Us former KGB puppets need to stick together. Besides sometimes if you wait too long the words get lost,” said Natasha standing up. “I’ll see you around. Don’t tell Steve or I’m going to be locked in a room next to you.”

She left the room and Bucky looked after her stunned. He didn’t think she wanted to hurt him. _Even though you shot her twice._ He sensed she really wanted to help him. _If you wait too long the words get lost_. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say to Alison other than sorry. You didn’t ask her to come back. Steve did. You should ask her to come back. Face to face. It suddenly seemed like the hardest thing he would ever have to do was ask her for something. _Did she say yes because of me or because of Steve?_

He found he couldn’t focus on the book anymore. He sat it aside and tried to piece together what else he had just remembered. _There was a little girl, blonde hair and brown eyes. She kept giving him huge puppy eyes and would always try to sit with him during meals. The other commandos would tease him about how he finally got a sweetheart.  They had just come back from a mission and he could hear the little voice singing_

_Des yeux qui font baisser les miens,_

_Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche,_

_Voilà le portrait sans retouche_

_De l'homme auquel j'appartiens_

 

_Quand il me prend dans ses bras_

_Il me parle tout bas,_

_Je vois la vie en rose._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

“What do you want to do with this?” asked Sam. Alison looked over at the box Sam had and it had a bunch of Matt’s stuff from high school. She was surprised that his parents hadn’t come looking for it.

“Oh wow. Um I really should give that to Nick and Susan,” said Alison. She twisted the ring and went to move on the next box and Sam took her arm.

“Have you seen Nick or Susan lately?” asked Sam.

“I talked to Nick and Rachel for a few months after Matt died, but things were really weird with me and Susan. Than I got really weird so I just stopped calling and then they stopped calling.So I guess the answer would be no. Still they should really have that box,” said Alison and she twisted the ring on her hand again. _You really should give it back. Let it go for good_. She took it off and put it in the box.

“Are you really sure you wanna give that back?” asked Sam. Alison sat down the sofa that was going to be sent the parish.

“I tried giving it back after Matt died and Nick wouldn’t take it. Honestly I’m glad he didn’t take it than. I really wasn’t ready to let him go. I thought letting him go would be the worst thing I could do. It’s a bit overwhelming at times to grieve because everyone thinks it’s supposed to be one way. Like I haven’t acted right since he died. I’m either supposed to spend my life pining for him or I’m just supposed to jump headlong into something new,” said Alison.

“I’m really hoping you told all those people where they could go,” said Sam.

“I was very tempted too. I do want to put myself back out there and it’s scary. It’s a scary thought to think I might feel that way about someone again. I just don’t wanna be sad about him anymore. What we had was amazing and I wanna remember that. Does it make sense?” asked Alison. _I don’t wanna focus on the last minutes we had together anymore. I really want to move on now._

“Does it make sense to you?” asked Sam.

“A little,” said Alison.

“I just want you to be happy. I just want you to know that any new guy you bring around has to get my approval,” he joked and nudged her so she laughed.

“You know you were the cause of one of our top five fights,” said Alison.

“What” asked Sam stunned. He and Matt had always been friendly to each other. He was even supposed to be one of the groomsman at the wedding.

“It was when we first started dating. Matt wanted me to go to a party with him and we already had plans to hang out. He got all pissy about it and complained about how much time I spent with you. I told him he could suck it because you weren’t going anywhere and he didn’t like it than too bad. We didn’t talk for about a week,” said Alison.

Sam looked at her with a hint of surprise. She had been over the moon about Matt from day one. She had dated other guys before, but something about Matt caught her and dug in. He knew if any girl told him to ditch Ally he would tell her to get lost too. It was still a bit of surprise to know she had done it with Matt.

“You know we could always get married,” said Sam teasing.

“You didn’t like kissing me in seventh grade. I’m pretty sure you would like it less now that I’m close to thirty,” said Alison getting up to dig deeper in the storage unit.

“It was spin the bottle with ten other people watching us. I had a performance issues,” countered Sam.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” said Alison grinning.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bucky finished his dinner with Steve and he told Bucky a little bit about what the facility had here and what to expect. He and Alison would have rooms next to each other, a door separated their rooms from each other. It would be helpful in case he needed her, but still offering both of them a bit of privacy. Steve’s room was down the hall from theirs just in case. The Headquarters was a military base mixed with a lab and a medical facility. According to Steve they had scientists here working on anything he could of think of and a team of doctors and nurses who were still learning. Along with treating him Alison would be finishing her nursing degree here. _Busy little bee_ , thought Bucky.

“It’s also a little bit of school too I guess. Tony read something about a ‘special’ school in North Salem that trained so called ‘gifted’ students and he wanted to the model our headquarters after them,” said Steve.

“And he put you in charge of it? Thought he was supposed to be smart,” said Bucky. _I owe him an apology too_ , thought Bucky. Steve fought the urge to roll his eyes.

“Ha ha. I am a Captain after all Sargeant,” said Steve. Bucky shook his head.

“You are the kid from Brooklyn too stupid to know when to walk away from a fight,” said Bucky with a slight grin. Steve smiled back. This was the Bucky he remembered and wished could come back for good. However he knew that they had both changed when they went into the ice.

The Steve Rogers who had wanted kids and family hadn’t come back from the ice. The James Barnes who could charm any girl in a dance hall would sometimes came back in bits and pieces. He couldn’t come back all the way though, Steve knew that now. He just hoped that whatever Bucky came back as he would still be his friend.

“Must be something in the Brooklyn water,” said Steve.

“What did you say to Alison? To make her come back?” asked Bucky. It had been bothering him a bit that she agreed to come back. He wanted her to come back and was relieved that she would come back. _She understands how life can deal you a crap hand._ He missed her and she seemed to be the only person willing to be near him without being told too. Other than Natasha. When you got down to it though other than his brief attempt at being nice to her he had treated her like crap and tried to kill her to boot. _She agreed because of something Steve said. It’s the only thing that makes sense_ , thought Bucky.

“I told her that you asked for her. That you wanted her to come back. I know you haven’t had a good run with those in the medical field and so does Alison. I’m not gonna lie Buck, you probably gave her a good scare yesterday. She knows you need help though and since you asked for it she’s going to do it,” said Steve.

“You know I thought she was crazy even before she admitted going to the bughouse. I guess it takes a crazy person to work with a crazy person,” said Bucky.

“I don’t think you two are crazy. You both are coping with some things you never thought would happen in your wildest dreams,” said Steve.

“I remember hearing about the alien attack. Sometimes they would wake me up between missions to fill me in major events that Hydra wasn’t behind. Like the aliens. They seemed really happy about it. How it caused so much chaos that it sped up their plans. It was going to make things easier to take over. I guess I also sort of helped with that,” said Bucky. _I killed people. Presidents, world leaders, Tony’s parents_ ….It hit him like a train and Steve saw how Bucky’s whole body shifted and his eyes got that really far away look.

“Bucky?” asked Steve and Bucky shuddered.

“I just need a break okay,” said Bucky and Steve nodded.

“I’ll see you in the morning than,” said Steve and he left the room. Bucky closed his eyes and recalled clearly taking aim at the car that Howard and Maria Stark had been in. He shot a bomb disk at it causing the car to lose the control and crash. When he went to check he saw that Maria had broken her neck and was already dead. He had to kill Howard who had somehow survived the crash by slamming his head into the steering wheel until he was dead. Bucky felt suddenly sick to stomach and he closed his eyes _. I killed them. I liked Howard. He said if I wanted a job after the war he would find me something. I told him my sister already worked for him and he joked about making it a family affair._ He wasn’t aware of how long he had zoned out until Natasha took his arm.

“Do you still wanna go?” asked Natasha.  

“Please,” said Bucky. She undid the restraints and handed him jeans, a blue tee shirt and hooded sweater to change into. She took him down the hall and down a few floors to a garage area and gestured to get into the black sedan. He got into the passenger seat and she got into the driver’s seat and they drove away.

“Let’s hope dad doesn’t ground us too much,” said Natasha.

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

“I honestly did not realize how much stuff we had,” said Alison putting a box in the car. It was way past eleven and they had been here all day. Sam shook his head and went to grab another box when he found a box wrapped in silver paper, topped with a white bow and a card.

“Hey Ally, come here,” called Sam. Alison came back in and looked at the box puzzled. “Do you know what this is?” he asked.

“No,” said Alison and she opened the card and knew it was from Matt based on the neat handwriting. _I was liberated from a douche who only knew John Mayer songs. Use me well._ Alison opened the box and pulled out a guitar case. “Oh my god,” said Alison opening the case and pulling out the guitar.

“Do you know how to play that?” asked Sam. Alison tuned the guitar up and played the opening to Paint it Black.

“He was teaching me. I know about six songs. This must have been a wedding present,” said Alison quickly wiping her eyes. _Thanks honey_ , thought Alison. She picked the guitar and carefully sat it in the backseat. Sam came up and hugged her.

“You gonna be okay?” he asked.

“My gift was sort of lame in comparison. I got him The Room autographed by the whole cast and crew. Seriously lame,” said Alison. Sam hugged her tighter and offered to drive.

“We did get a lot done though today and I couldn’t have done that alone,” admitted Alison. _It was almost too much to handle all at once. The person I was when I with him was in there_. thought Alison.

“Anytime,” said Sam. He drove back to the apartment and was going to stay in Sarah’s apartment and they made plans to meet up in the morning to finish up the storage unit and then they would tackle the apartment. She carried the guitar upstairs and left the other boxes locked in the truck. He walked her upstairs and gave her a hug goodnight before heading back downstairs.

Alison let herself in and looked around. She really hadn’t changed much of the apartment even though her grandfather hadn’t lived here in over a year. It was sort of home and it sort of wasn’t at this point. She went to her room, she hadn’t changed much in here either since moving back. All the things from her childhood were still here. The old man had left it the same since she moved out at nineteen. Exhausted from how the last two days had played out she fell asleep quickly. It only felt like a few minutes had past before her alarm went off and she rolled over to shut it off. She looked up to see James standing over her.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

They let themselves in just before dawn. Natasha had knocked, well lightly tapped on the door and got no answer.

“It is early,” she said and pulled out a lock pick and went to work. Bucky was starting to have second thoughts about this. Steve was going to wake up soon and when he found out that they were both gone he was going to flip out. He wasn’t sure about how Alison would react to find them in her apartment before sunrise. _I’m pretty sure breaking into someone’s place is still bad manners,_ thought Bucky has she got the deadbolt opened.

“Thank Thor she didn’t have a chain lock. I didn’t any bring cutters and it would make a lot of noise to have you break the door,” whispered Natasha. She shut the door behind them and they both looked around. It didn’t seem lived in to him, not the way his former home had been. It was clean, but a bit too clean. He followed Natasha as she went into the living room and started looking at pictures on a bookcase. They were of a much younger Alison if he was going to guess. Baby pictures, grade school, First Communion. _Forgive me father for I have sinned….I don’t even want to think of how much I would have to confess now,_ thought Bucky. Natasha picked up a framed photo of an older man surrounded by kids holding various musical instruments.

“Her grandfather...must have been a teacher. Yup. Teacher,” said Natasha pointing to a small plaque on another shelf.  It read that Robert Conley Sr was teacher of the year-1997 and again in 2000. Another plaque congratulated him for fifty five years of service to King County School District. There was a photo of the older man and a teenaged Alison in his uniform at what Bucky guessed was at a party.

“I don’t see any of her parents,” said Natasha looking at another shelf.

“What?” asked Bucky who had been looking at picture of her and Sam in his dress uniform.

“Her parents. Not a single picture hanging up,” said Natasha.

“Maybe they didn’t have any,” said Bucky remembering how Becca had saved for a camera and would carefully put all the photos into scrapbooks. _I don’t remember if we had any pictures of mom,_ thought Bucky. Natasha shrugged and went down the hall, Bucky gave the shelf one more look and saw another picture of teenage Alison wearing a long formal purple dress and standing next to a guy with shaggy black hair in a black suit and purple tie. She looked like she had been laughing and the guy had a goofy grin on his face looking at her.

He followed Natasha down the hall and neither one of them made a sound. The first door on the left was just a bathroom. The next door on the right was a bedroom, but it had the feel of not being used in sometime. The bed was made, but it didn’t have any personal effects in it. The last door on the left was Alison’s room who was currently sleeping in a twin bed.

“We’ll let her sleep,” said Natasha shutting the door. Bucky followed Natasha back to the kitchen and she started poking around the cabinets and fridge.

“She must not have gone shopping this week or she eats out a lot,” said Natasha. Bucky looked in the fridge and saw some eggs, yogurt, some almond milk. _Almonds?_ and a few other odds and ends.

“I’m going to go down the street to get some stuff for breakfast. Can you be good while I’m gone?” asked Natasha.

“I can behave,” said Bucky.

“Let her sleep,” said Natasha giving him a look before heading out. He would let her sleep, it didn’t mean he couldn’t look around her room. He went back to Alison’s room and she didn’t stir has he started looking around. It felt more lived in than the rest of the apartment. A dresser was cluttered with things. Another framed picture of her, Sam, the other boy and three other girls in the formal dresses. Another showed her with the two girls from the first photo dressed up in the oddest outfits he had ever seen. _Why is dressed like a trashy maid?_ thought Bucky A program for a play had been tossed on the dresser for a production of Grease and another program for something called Rocky Horror. A set of drumsticks with her name etched on them and another picture of her and the black haired boy, him holding a violin and her with her drumsticks.

Alison rolled over, but didn’t wake up has he looked over to the bookshelf that was overstuffed with books. There were the Lovecraft ones and the Harry Potter ones on the top shelf.. The bottom had really thick looking books with titles about Practical Nursing, Ross and Wilson Anatomy and Physiology in Health and Illness and Psychology for Nurses and Caring Professionals were on the bottom shelf along with other really thick looking books about math, Spanish and two large binders label-Sheet music rounded out the bottom. The middle had books he wasn’t too sure about-A lot were by someone name Stephen King, others looked like they belong to a child and were by someone named Shel Silverstein and Grimm’s fairy tales. Others were very dog eared like-The Princess Bride or Handmaiden’s Tale or looked like they had only been read once-Fight Club and The Color Purple.

The walls were white like the rest of the apartment, but posters had been hung up. One was of four guys in the middle of nowhere looking really serious. U2-Joshua Tree was at the bottom. Another poster with four guys crossing a road and another one with two guys dressed in black wearing sunglass and hats with a cop car in the background. Alison rolled over again and she groaned a bit. He looked down at her sleeping form and wondered how she could be so unaware of his presence. _Because she thinks she safe in her home._ The alarm went off next her and he froze. She reached over with her eyes still closed and slapped the alarm off. She opened her eyes and did a double take upon seeing him standing there. _Pretty sure this also falls under bad manners,_ thought Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Alison sat up quickly and pulled the blankets up to her chest like a kid waking up from a nightmare. _The blankets are a safe place_ , thought some very childish part of her brain.

“What? What are you doing here...wait how do you know where I live?” asked Alison trying to get things clear in her head. James looked really sheepish all of a sudden.

“Natasha knew and she might of picked the locks,” admitted James. _Sam is gonna ride my ass about not getting a chain lock for the door,_ thought Alison. Than again she really wondered if a chain lock would have made a difference when two former Russian assassins wanted into your apartment.

“Where is Natasha now?” asked Alison.

“She went to get stuff for breakfast,” said James. _Okay. It’s six in the morning on a Friday. People have basically broken into your apartment. One of them is going shopping for you and the other one looks like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar_ , thought Alison trying to make sense of what was going on. He did look slightly embarrassed to be here and she got out of bed. It was then he noticed the marks on neck and he went from looking embarrassed to slightly ashamed.

“I...I really didn’t mean to hurt you. I wanted you to know that,” said James shoving his hands in his pockets and looking at the floor.

“Is that why you came here?” asked Alison watching his reactions. He looked defeated and sat down on her bed.

“My dad used to hurt my mom and I always told myself I wouldn’t be like him. I turned out a lot like him though. A mean, hurtful bastard,” spat James.

“Can I sit next to you?” asked Alison and he nodded. She sat next him and for the first time he didn’t stiffen or seem nervous that she was so close to him. She felt a little nervous, but she was going to have to work through that. _He asked for your help and if he really wanted you dead he could have done it already,_ thought Alison.

“You aren’t mean and hurtful. Hurtful people aren’t sorry for their actions and mean people don’t care about what they done in the past. I think you do care a lot and that’s why this is so hard for you. I think you’ve been hurting up here for a long time,” said Alison tapping his forehead lightly and he shook his head.

“I hurt you. I killed Tony Stark’s parents and those are just the few times I remember hurting someone. I know I’ve done a lot of bad things though. I don’t know how to make it right,” said James. _Tony’s parents died in a car crash...they could of had him set it up though. God what else did they make you do? You have a very long road ahead of you._

“It’s not going easy, but you can try. It’s really all any of us can do is try to make things right,” said Alison.

“I’m really sorry about hurting you. If you don’t want to see me again I’ll understand,” said James still looking at the floor. Alison reached over and took his right hand and he covered her hand with his left. It wasn’t as heavy as she thought it would be, but it did give her some goosebumps from how cold it felt.

“You asked for me and I’m gonna try. It’s all I can do. Can I ask why you asked for me back?” asked Alison.

“I remember that all I wanted to do was come home, see my sister, try to get a dame to marry me...I just wanted a normal life and I didn’t get it either. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go now. We both got screwed over in that department,” said James. He paused and looked like he was debating about jumping off a cliff. “You also remind me of someone from a really long time ago. I think she might of have been one of the last people to care about me before I turned into this,” said James.

“Georgina,” said Alison and he nodded.

“She....she was sorry too. They made me hurt her and she was sorry about it,” said James and his grip on her hand got very tight. He was starting to get that far away look again.

“I need you to stay here right now,” said Alison calmly. He closed his eyes and the grip eased up a bit.

“I just wanted to come home,” said James.

“Sometimes it’s harder than people make it out to be,” said Alison looking around her room. He nodded and opened his eyes again.

“I’m really the reason you agreed to come back. Not Steve?” asked James.

“Yes. You are the reason I agreed to come back,” said Alison. “I’m still not really the most objective person, but if you want my help I’ll try my best.” He nodded and looked at her. Her knee was touching his and there wasn’t much space between them sitting on this tiny bed.

“I can’t remember the last time someone was this close to me and I wasn’t killing them or they weren’t hurt me,” said James. He leaned over and hugged her. Alison froze has his left arm wrapped around her and his right hand wrapped around her hair. She couldn’t move as his grip tightened on her. “ I miss…” he started and Alison hugged him back. _We’re gonna try to get you through this_ , thought Alison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 _I missed having comfort,_ thought Bucky when she hugged him back. No one had offered him a second of comfort since Georgina had died. She eased away from him slowly and gave him a very tired smile.

“I need you to ease up a bit,” said Alison. He didn’t realize how tightly he had been hugging her and he let her go. She took his hand again and squeezed.

“That was kind of a huge step for you just now. Letting someone get that close and realizing it was alright. Are you going to be okay?” asked Alison. He was still a bit taken aback about how forward he had been just now.

“Yeah. I just need a second,” said Bucky taking a deep breath. _She didn’t flinch...she was scared for a second, but she didn’t try to push me away. She let me touch her and she didn’t hurt me. I haven’t had anyone touch me without hurting me in decades._

“Take all the time you need James,” said Alison.

“Could you please call me Bucky? Only my mother called me James. Well my sister did too when she wanted to annoy me,” said Bucky.

“If that’s what you want. Bucky,” said Alison. He could tell it was an odd thing for her to call him that. But since he asked she would try for him. _It’s more than I could really ask for._ Alison was about to say something when someone cleared their throat. They turned around to see Sam standing in the doorway of the bedroom.

“What in the world is going on?” he asked when they heard the door open and shut again. Natasha joined them a few seconds later and eyed him.

“I told you to let her sleep,” said Natasha.

“My alarm went off,” said Alison.

“I’m sure it did,” said Natasha eying him.

“And what are you doing here?” demanded Sam.

“I was gonna make waffles,” said Natasha turning and walking away.

“That does not answer the question,” said Sam turning and following her down the hall. Alison looked at him and shrugged.

“He’s only a little annoyed. He’ll get over it,” she said. Bucky stood up and look where Sam had been standing.

“I did try to kill him too,” said Bucky and Alison nodded.

“He got over it. Do you feel a little better now?” asked Alison.

“A little bit,” he admitted and she grinned at him.

“That’s good. Um...do you want to stick around for a bit? I’m just going to be packing today. We could talk more if you want. It doesn’t have to be any of the real heavy stuff. Anything you want to know about the last seventy some years I might have an answer. Or we could look it up and we’ll both know something new,” said Alison.

“I’m pretty sure Steve is going to lose his marbles when he finds out I’ve gone AWOL. I think I wanna avoid that for a little bit longer. He might not be so mad if he finds out I went to talk to my head nurse,” said Bucky and Alison raised her eyebrows.

“Why Sergeant Barnes I am surprised. Sneaking off to talk to a nurse. Whatever you want to do is fine with me. If needed I’ll try to run interference with Steve,” said Alison. Bucky sort of shrugged and she left the room. Bucky looked around the room again. He did feel a little better after talking to Alison. _Maybe I’ll stick around and talk some more. I’m not sure about what, but it’s better than being stuck in that damn room._  He heard Sam and Natasha bickering about how they had snuck into Alison’s apartment. Alison telling them both to knock it off and thanking Natasha for the waffles.

“A phone call in the future would be nice though,” said Alison. He heard a phone ring and Natasha clearly telling Steve to relax and that he was fine. _I’m not sure if I’m fine, but we’re going to try._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bloodsport is a real movie series and it is bad.
> 
> https://youtu.be/WaT9dYalyU0
> 
> If you haven't seen The Room you have no idea what you have been missing. It is the Citizen Kane of bad movies
> 
> https://youtu.be/yCj8sPCWfUw


	9. Somethings will never change

“So we’re just going to sort out the last of the stuff in the unit and most of it’s going to the parish so it shouldn’t take too long,” explained Alison backing the car out of the parking space. Bucky nodded and tried to comfortable in the front seat. It was too close to the dashboard and he felt cramped.

“Oh on your right is a little lever and if you pull it back the seat moves back so you can have more room,” said Alison. He reached down and moved the seat back.

“Thanks,” said Bucky and watched as the got into traffic. Sam had been hesitant to let Alison drive alone with him. _I ripped the steering wheel out of his car before._ He had gone to pick up the truck they needed and Natasha was heading back to Avenger Headquarters so Steve could come down and basically keep an eye on him. _He hasn’t seen you in seventy some years so he might be a little scared to let you out of his sight,_ thought Bucky.

“So you lived with your fiancee?” asked Bucky. He couldn’t imagine letting Becca live with a guy that wasn’t Steve before she was married. _Times have changed and you need to keep that in mind,_ thought Bucky.

“For about six years,” admitted Alison.

“And he didn’t marry you sooner….that was rude,” said Bucky quickly seeing the brief look of hurt flash in her eyes. _Rub it in that she could have been a widow instead Barnes._

“It’s okay. Everyone sort of harped on us about getting married for the longest time. It was a lot stuff I guess. I wanted to be almost done with my degree before really settling down. He wanted to wait until he was sure about staying with the orchestra here. He had a lot of student loans that he wanted to pay down. My hours at work and school were really crazy and I didn’t have time to plan a big fancy wedding. We treated each other like an old married couple so why did we need the paper to prove it to anyone,” said Alison.

It sounded so odd to him listening to her describe all the reasons they didn’t get married. He could remember guys marrying their sweethearts left and right before shipping out. _They might not ever see each other again and they were still getting married_ . _I’m sure I would have been one of them if I had found a girl I really liked,_ thought Bucky. He really couldn’t remember feeling anything really special for any girl he gone around with before shipping out. _If I could have gotten Georgina out I think I would have married her._

“You still there?” asked Alison.

“Um yeah. Sorry. That must be really annoying for you to have me zone out like that and not know who’s coming back. I don’t even know I’m doing it most of the time,” said Bucky.

“Your brain is trying to cope with processing a lot of different things all at once. It’s sort of like turning on every light in the house and running all the appliances at the same time and hoping you don’t blow a fuse. It will get better in time,” said Alison. “Do you wanna share what was going on up there?”

“ What are weddings like now? I think I went to wedding before I enlisted and it was just in the church social room, ” said Bucky. _Their neighbors the McMillan's threw a wedding for their daughter. Invited him, Steve and Becca to come. Becca danced a little with Steve. Slow danced so he wouldn’t have an attack. She even wore flats so she wouldn’t be too much taller than him._

“Our guest list was pushing two hundred and that’s considered small nowadays,” said Alison.

“I don’t even remember two hundred people,” said Bucky. _I can barely keep the ones I do remember straight in my head,_ he thought.

“Well my half of the list was kind of small. Mostly friends and people I worked with. Matt’s family was huge and they took up most of the guest list. Aunts, uncles, cousins you don’t see unless there is a family event or free booze,” said Alison.

“The booze was free?” asked Bucky. _We went outside and passed a flask around. Went back inside to dance and another group would sneak out and drink. No drinking in the church after all._

“Well for the guests at least. My grandfather refused to go to a dry wedding so his wedding gift was paying for the bar tab. Matt’s parents picked up the food costs and we paid for the rest,” said Alison.

“The bride’s family is suppose to pay. I dreaded trying to get Becca married off,” said Bucky. _Who paid for her wedding? I bet she was pretty. What sort of man did she marry? Did he take care of her?_

“Shit,” he muttered realizing he had zoned out again and Alison was watching him out of the corner of her eye.

“You were thinking about your sister weren’t you?” asked Alison.

“Yeah,” he said. “She didn’t have any family at her wedding. I just realized that...I missed a lot of stuff. She might have needed me and I wasn’t there,” said Bucky and he felt that horrible tightness in his chest and he looked out the window.

“She um...she has a picture of you, her and Steve at Coney Island. She said it was taken before Steve threw up on the Cyclone. Do you remember that?” asked Alison. _She trying to distract me. It’s working,_ thought Bucky as he recalled the day in question.

“Do I have to remember that he threw up on my shoes?” asked Bucky and he saw a glimmer of amusement in her eyes.

“Well yeah you do have to remember. It’s one of things I’m supposed to help you with. It’s a good memory and it’s one you should hold on too. Did you guys go a lot or was it a special occasion only place?” asked Alison.  

He had to think about it and it made his head hurt a little. Bucky could see her watching him out the corner of her eye. She was still a little scared of him and he really couldn’t blame her. He had to give her credit for agreeing to be alone with him anywhere. _You must have a brass set of balls lady._ But the look was mixed was mixed with concern and hope. _She wants you to remember the good things. It was good wasn’t it...yes...there was a beach._

“The beach was free...we all went for picnics. Our moms would take us after church if we had been good during the week in the summer,” said Bucky a little stunned at how clear the memory was. Alison gave him an encouraging smile.

“Did you swim?” she asked.

“A little. Steve couldn’t though so we mostly stayed on the shore. He tried though and had an attack and his mother had to go in after him. Stupid punk,” said Bucky softly and Alison burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry. I just never thought I would hear someone call Captain America a ‘stupid punk’. Sorry,” said Alison turning a bit pink, but the amusement though was still in her eyes. She hadn’t been laughing at him, but with him. _When was the last time we laughed with someone,_ thought Bucky.

“Well before he became Captain America he was the skinny punk too stupid to walk away from a fight and was getting his ass handed to him almost daily. Sometimes twice on Saturday if we went out and he timed it right,” said Bucky.

“They neglected that part in history class,” said Alison and Bucky shook his head. She had mentioned before how he and Steve had been taught to her in history class.

“So you really learned about us in history class?” asked Bucky and Alison nodded

“Yeah. It was little tidbits when we were in grade school, but when we got to middle school and up all the history classes I took covered the second World War and that part you guys had in it. The bombing of Japan is really the only part taught about the Pacific unless you take some special history classes in college,” said Alison.

Bucky sat back in the seat and thought about. He. Bucky Barnes. The dock worker from Brooklyn. _He had worked on the docks and would come home smelling like fish. Becca told him to shower with lemons to get the smell off._ Was somehow a major part of history. He saw the museum display and thought it was only because Steve came back from basically the dead. But based on what she was telling him they had become something more. _I mattered. I did something good,_ thought Bucky.

“I know that has to be really weird and probably really overwhelming for you,” said Alison. They were stuck in traffic now and he shrugged.

“I mean Steve was sort of big deal back then. It makes sense that he would end up in history books. But me? That’s where it gets weird. I was just the sniper. Jesus even over there I was still making sure he didn’t get his ass handed too him,” said Bucky. “Think they’ll go back and add the part in where I became a brainless tool for Hydra?”

“Is that what you want to be known as?” asked Alison and he looked out the window.

“Not really, but it’s what happened to me and history is supposed to be based on facts,” said Bucky.

“Well they’ll also have to put in how you were taken hostage by the Russians, tortured, broken down and given no options. Once they realized you were an American soldier you should have been sent home or at least given proper medical care. They shouldn’t have hurt you the way they did,” said Alison and he could hear the temper in her voice and he gave her a look.

“Why does it piss you off about what happened to me? You don’t know me and don’t give me the decent people answer,” said Bucky. Alison leaned back in the driver’s seat and thought.

“In my profession we’re not supposed to cause harm and we’re supposed to treat people with respect and dignity. When a doctor or nurse comes into a room the trust the patient gives is almost instant. They don’t know us, but they trust us with their very lives. People like Zola and whoever helped him give us a black eye. It’s crossing a line that we know we’re not supposed to cross and they do it anyway.” she let out a sigh. “Than again I’m really not one to be throwing stones about crossing lines right now.”

“What do you mean?” asked Bucky.

“ I’m really not supposed to tell you about my personal life because it creates an unfair balance between us. And well you know more about me than my former coworkers did after working with me for ten months. I really thought we weren’t going to see each other again...at least not on a nurse-patient level. It’s why I wrote you what I did. One last ditch effort to help you before I left,” said Alison.

“If I don’t know you how can I trust you?” asked Bucky and she looked over at him. “I...when I came to you before. I thought maybe you were with them. Trying to get me to come in so I could be put back to work. I was just so tired it and sort of wanted it over with. So yeah I understand about wanting to give up. It’s just…” his words trailed off and he looked out the window. “It was nice to know I wasn’t alone with Steve in the ‘life screwed me over’ game.” He turned and gave her a small smile.

“Besides you know more about me than I know about myself so we’re already at an unfair balance in this relationship. I’m pretty sure nothing about this relationship is going to be normal so why not swing for the fences?” asked Bucky and she laughed again. _She has a nice laugh...It’s laughing with me not at me._

“Well I know what Steve told me and I know what history has told me, but I think you still know a little bit of yourself. You just have to find it,” said Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  


Sam was already waiting for them and he was pacing while looking worried.

“Sorry. We got stuck in traffic,” said Alison unlocking the unit.

“I called you,” he said and she winced.

“I must have left my phone at Stark Tower. Sorry,” said Alison has she pulled up the door. Bucky looked at Sam who was watching Alison slightly relieved. _She like he’s Skinny Steve. She’s his stupid punk._ Bucky took in the storage locker that was full of stuff. She looked back over at him and looked a little embarrassed.

“I know it looks crowded, but most of it is just going to charity,” said Alison and Sam unlocked the back of the truck and pulled out a ramp.

“We can just toss all the furniture in there. You said I wouldn’t need any of it,” said Alison pushing a dresser towards him.

“Stark takes care of the furnishings. Just bring your clothes and personal stuff. It’s a little like a dorm, just not as smelly. Less vomit for sure,” said Sam taking the dresser and putting it in the truck.

“I can help,”said Bucky watching her pick up a box and wince a little. He took it from her and it didn’t feel heavy. _Pots and Pans-Kitchen gadgets_ was the label on the box.

“I forgot we had cast iron stuff,” said Alison picking up another box labeled- _Glasses and coffee cups-do not drop!!!!_ She put them near the front the truck and he followed. It was weird to him how two people could have so much stuff. He didn’t remember having this much stuff when it was him, Becca and Steve. _Different times,_ thought Bucky. A bed frame was tossed in along with three chairs and a sofa. He helped Sam with the large items and they were alone in the truck when Bucky spoke up.

“I guess I owe you an apology too,” said Bucky has they tied down the sofa.

“We’re cool about D.C. You weren’t yourself than,” said Sam and he went to leave when Bucky grabbed his arm.

“About Alison. You look out for her. The way I had to look out for Steve,” said Bucky and Sam’s gaze went to her in the storage unit digging in a box. She was wearing a scarf around her neck to cover up the marks. _Mama trying to hid her black eye with more powder._

“She’s my girl,” admitted Sam and Bucky could sense he didn’t mean it in a romantic way. It was a bond that few people would understand, but it worked for them.

“I didn’t like it when people hurt Steve. I more or less ended every fight he started. Everyone left with a black eye most of the time,” said Bucky recalling how his sister called them both stupid.

“Look you weren’t yourself and you still might not be yourself for awhile yet. We’ve all gone through some heavy stuff and if Steve and Ally trust you it’s good enough for me,” said Sam.

“Hit me,” said Bucky.

“What?” asked Sam.

“One free swing. I won’t tell Steve and it might not even leave a mark. You’ve earned at least one,” said Bucky.

“I am not going to hit you. That is a terrible idea. Ally,” called Sam. She was behind some boxes and couldn’t be seen. “Ally tell this fool I’m not going to hit him.” She didn’t come out and she wasn't answering Sam.

“Ally?” asked Sam and Bucky could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand up. _Was she hurt?_ He followed Sam off the truck and started listening for the smallest sound. They found her staring at a garment bag on a rack and Sam shook his head

“Hey,” he said touching her shoulder and she nearly jumped a foot in the air. “You alright?” Her face flushed and she shook her head no.

“Stupid. I should have known it would be in here. I just need a minute,” said Alison walking away from both of them. Bucky looked at the bag confused and Sam sighed.

“Wedding dress,” said Sam touching the bag. Bucky could remember seeing his clothes on that display in the museum and it made him feel weird. _Those were mine and I’m not sure who that person was,_ is what he thought at the time. He still wasn’t sure if he was that guy, but being slapped with who you could have been or who you used to be was the quickest way to cut a person to the bone.

“What were they like together?” asked Bucky. Sam rubbed the bag and got a sad little smile.

“I never saw two people more in love than they were. I don’t really believe in the idea that there is only one person for everyone, but they came close. They just clicked the second they saw each other. He would just walk into a room and her whole face would light up. He told me once he didn’t think he would ever love anyone the way he loved Ally,” said Sam.

Bucky eyed the garment bag. Who would she have been if she had gotten married? Would she have been out there last Monday morning giving him coffee or home with a baby and husband who loved her. _She has the patience for kids,_ he thought. _I think I liked kids..._

 _The little girl tugged on his jacket and looked up at him with the biggest smile._ _He got down to her level and she hugged him._

“ _Come on,” said an older woman and she said it in French. The little girl gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before following the older woman. Steve rolled his eyes looking at him._

“ _Really Buck. It’s bad enough all the hearts you broke in Brooklyn when you left and now you have to add a French girl to the list?” said Steve._

“ _Ah you’re just jealous I found the one girl who isn’t crazy for you,” said Bucky with a grin._

“Do you want me to get Alison for you?” asked Sam and Bucky shook his head,

“I’m good now,” he said.

“I should go find her anyway,” said Sam.

“I only went a few units down,” said Alison rejoining them. Her face did look a little red and so did her eyes, but she had pulled herself back together.

“You don’t have to give this away,” said Sam and Alison looked at him.

“I’m not going to pull a Friends and walk around in a random wedding dress doing the dishes. I could have it cleaned and boxed, but…” she trailed off touching the bag.

“It hurts too much,” said Bucky softly. Alison looked at him and nodded.

“I’m sure there is a poor, thrift shopping bride who really needs a size eight, strapless, lace, A line dress for her big day,” said Alison.

“You know all that girly stuff you just rattled off makes no sense to either one of us,” said Sam waving a finger between him and Bucky.

“I understood lace,” said Bucky.

“See he got it,” said Alison. She picked up the garment bag and put it in the truck

“Still don’t wanna hit me?” asked Bucky.

“Don’t tempt me,” said Sam.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

They finished the locker and Sam went to drop the truck off and Alison went to pick them up lunch.

“So do you like cheeseburgers?” asked Alison.

“I think I did,” said Bucky. “Might have dug some out of trash can in the last year.” _Oh someone has a dark sense of humor,_ thought Alison.

“Well McDonald’s doesn’t have the best burgers, but they’ll do in pinch,” she pulled into the drive-thru.

“Welcome to McDonald’s can I take your order,” said the intercom voice.

“Hi, I need one number eight, one number three and six number one please,” said Alison.

“Drinks?”

“Three cokes please,” said Alison. She pulled up and paid for the order. The drive-thru lady told them to go wait in the first space. Alison parked and Bucky looked over at her.

“You really think I’m going to eat six of whatever you ordered me?” asked Bucky.

“I’m pretty sure you can. You and Steve both burn calories like it’s nothing,” said Alison. Sam had been hesitant to let her go alone with Bucky considering what happened, but she didn’t feel right leaving him alone in the apartment and he did want to talk to her. _That’s sort of a huge leap for him,_ thought Alison considering where they had been a few days ago. His memories came and they controlled him. She need to find a way to get him to focus on memory and having him control it. The questioning seemed to help, guiding him to a memory instead of having it come out of nowhere.

“I remember that we got extra field rations because of Steve. He was such a picky eater before and suddenly he couldn’t get enough food,” said Bucky. _Let’s run with this memory,_ thought Alison.

“My grandfather told me the rations all tasted the same. Did they all taste the same?” asked Alison and Bucky had to think about it. She could see him trying to process the question, dig through layers of memory before finding and deciding it was what he wanted.

“It was better than going hungry. Before Steve joined up all it was a lot of C and K rations. After Steve joined up someone found the money to send us some B rations and a couple of times A-rations. That probably doesn’t make sense to you,” said Bucky.

“C rations were those ready to eat meals and K rations were also ready to eat, but weren’t very filling. I gonna guess that A and B ration were really good,” said Alison and he looked a little impressed.

“Not bad for a civilian,” he said and he had that cocky little grin on his face. _There is that ego his sister talked about. I can see why girls thought he was charming._

“Well you grow up around enough military talk it sort leeches into your brain,” admitted Alison.

“You told Steve your grandfather was a Marine,” said Bucky and he held up the tags she had let him keep. “Your dad was in the Air Force.”

“Yeah. So you weren’t sleeping then,” said Alison recalling she had told Steve that while they thought he was sleeping.

“Sleeping is weird for me. I mean I do sleep, but it’s not very restful at times. Sometimes I’m not even aware that I’ve gone to sleep. Everything just sort of blends together if I don’t pay attention,” said Bucky.

“Well you really didn’t sleep for seventy years. I’m still reading up on cryo freezing. If I understood the notes it shut your body down, but they were still having you learn stuff while in stasis. Your brain really didn’t get the rest it needed to process stuff. Your brain is trying to catch up with a lot of missed sleep. It’s one of the reasons you zone out,” explained Alison.

What she had read about the cryo sleep reminded her a little of the end of the original Nightmare on Elm Street. Towards the end Nancy gets so tired that the dreams and the real world blend into one for her. They stopped his body from aging, but they were pumping a stream of knowledge into his brain at least once or twice a year for ‘learning purposes’. Sometimes they would ‘wake’ him up for a mission or an update, but it was only for three or four days at a time. No longer than a week or else he started going off. _His brain trying to regain control._ Notes were missing though, a huge chunk for the 1980’s seemed to be gone. Steve and Tony had guessed the notes had gotten lost in translation or someone was sloppy during that time, but it didn’t make sense to her. _You don’t spend all that time and energy on a project to lose the data,_ thought Alison.

“I sort of remember waking up from cryo freezing. It was like the world’s coldest shower. They had medics on hand to make sure I was alright-they would warm me up. I never felt really warm though. I was also sort of groggy until the briefing happened,” said Bucky. There was a tap on the window and Bucky looked startled. A kid was holding two bags and a drink carrier.

“Thanks,” said Alison taking the food from the kid and sitting it on the floor by Bucky. “Can you hold these?” she handed him the drink carrier and he looked at it puzzled. She drove off and Bucky was quiet for awhile before speaking up again.

“A handler got me a shake from McDonald’s. I think it was vanilla. I did a good job,” said Bucky and his right hand shook on the carrier. _Snap him out of it and do it fast,_ thought Alison.

“So Steve told me you were one hell of a dancer. Where did you learn?” asked Alison and he came back to himself.

“I think...my mom...she liked to dance,” said Bucky and he was starting to zone out again.

“Let’s take a break for now,” said Alison seeing that he was starting to look even more confused than before.

“You don’t want me freaking out in the car,” said Bucky dryly.

“I don’t want you to feel pressured or stressed out when we talk. If you do it’s alright to say so,” said Alison.

“None of the other medics wanted to talk to me. I missed having you talk to me about stuff. It’s another reason I wanted you to come back,” said Bucky looking out the window. He was grown man, but he looked so much like a child to her in that second it pulled at her a little. _If I don’t know you how can I trust you? He hasn’t been able to trust anyone or talk to anyone in years. He really can’t even trust his own memories. Does he need a nurse or friend more?_ _Maybe some lines need to be crossed for his sake._

“I wasn’t born in New York,” Alison blurted out and he looked at her puzzled. “I was born in Texas and moved here when I was about five or six.” He gave her that cocky little grin again.

“Oh so that’s why you sound odd sometimes,” said Bucky.

“What?” asked Alison.

“You have a bit of southern twang in your voice sometimes. Say route,” said Bucky.

“Route,” said Alison and he kept grinning.

“It sounds a little funny when you say it,” said Bucky. “It’s how you say your R’s.”

“It’s not as bad as when I was a kid. It drove the old man nuts,” said Alison.

“It’s not that bad,” said Bucky. “It’s just certain words.” He still had that dopey grin on his face. _If I didn’t know any better I say he was flirting. You still have a hint of that swagger that I’ve heard about._

“Well at least it’s a not a Jersey accent,” said Alison. He actually gave a small shudder at thought.

“Steve would never hire me a Jersey nurse. It would be unforgivable,” said Bucky. “Just because I tried to kill him doesn’t mean I deserve that form of torture.” _And Sam thought I had a dark sense of humor,_ thought Alison. _Although a Jersey girl could be considered torture in the eyes of a hard core Brooklyn boy._ She couldn’t help snicker a little bit and to her amazement Bucky let out a small snicker of his own.

 


	10. Family ties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Winter Solider they said Steve caught Zola in 1945, but Bucky 'died' on that mission and his death was listed as 1944. It seemed only a few days passed between getting Zola and the final raid on the Red Skull which mean Steve 'died' in 1944 also-Maybe I'm just a super dork who has far too much time to ponder this.

“ _You’re really good.” Alison looked up and a boy with close cut black hair, brown eyes and carrying a violin case was at the edge of the stage and she had no idea how long he had been there._

“ _Thanks,” she said wiping the sweat off her palms. She didn’t need him to tell her she was good. She knew it and had the solo to prove it. Mr. Grant told her she was going to be solo drummer on Caravan for the Fall Concert. The impossible drum solo, nine minutes straight and performed by Buddy Rich-The drum god._

“ _You’re the new kid. Matt right?” asked Alison. Mr. Grant had introduced him at the beginning of class today._

“ _Yep senior year and a new kid to boot,” said Matt pulling himself on the stage._

“ _I’ve seen you before somewhere,” said Alison. “Weren’t you at the Youth Summer Rock?”_

“ _Yeah.” he looked really sheepish and Alison remembered him._

“ _I felt so bad for The Who watching the rest of your band play. Seriously your viola work on Baba O'Riley was their only saving grace,” said Alison grinning._

“ _Yeah. Our drummer and bass player got into a fight that morning and it just ruined everything,” said Matt sitting on the stage._

“ _Well your drummer sucks. He almost ruined how awesome you were,” said Alison. He shrugged and Alison had a feeling it was like her, he knew he was good and didn’t need her to tell him._

“ _Well I saw your band do Call Me and wow it made up for how horrible we were,” said Matt. “I wanted to talk you after the show, but I was too mortified.” Alison felt herself turn a bit pink and she didn’t know why._

“ _Do you want to do something sometime? We have band practice on Wednesday and I’ve always wanted to do Devil goes down to Georgia,” said Alison._

“ _You want to do something now? I would like to do The Who justice,” said Matt._

“ _Can you keep up with a real drummer?” teased Alison. Matt pulled out his violin and tuned up. She started near the end of Baba O'Riley so he could join in quickly. It was like being hit by lighting. She had played in bands before, but this was something different and she couldn’t put her finger on it. Years later he would tell her that’s when he fell in love with her. In an empty high school auditorium playing Baba O’Riley._

Alison groaned as the alarm went off and she rolled over and smacked it. She stared up at the ceiling and tried to deal with the dread she felt. It was Saturday. _He’s gone and he’s not coming back._ Alison got out bed and smelled bacon. _Who’s cooking?_ She headed out to the kitchen and saw Steve was cooking. He had come into the city in the yesterday afternoon while they had been packing. He and Bucky were staying in her grandfather’s room until they left on Sunday.

“Morning,” said Steve sitting down a plate of eggs and bacon for her. _Superheroes keep making me breakfast. This is a very weird week,_ thought Alison.

“Thanks,” said Alison pouring herself a cup of coffee. “Did you guys sleep alright?” asked Alison.

“Well its inside and it’s not freezing so that’s a plus,” said Steve and she rolled her eyes. “It was fine. We would have stayed at Stark Tower, but it feels odd to stay there when Tony isn’t around and who knows where he went off too. Besides I didn’t want to risk Bucky wandering off again.”  Steve had gone too Stark to pick up what Alison had left behind and found out that Tony had taken off to parts unknown much to Pepper’s annoyance.

“He didn’t mean to freak you out,” said Alison.

“I know that. I’m glad he came to you though,” said Steve sitting down with his own breakfast.

“So what are you guys going to do today?” asked Alison.

“I thought I would take Bucky around the old neighborhood. See if it jogs anything. I wanted to know if we could join you at Prospect Park for the memorial service tonight though. I really haven’t been to any of the memorial services since it happened. I would like to pay some respects,” said Steve.

“It’s gonna be a lot of people. Do you want him in a crowd that big?” asked Alison. Steve handed her the clicker.

“I don’t like this anymore than you do, but if we really need to keep him in line,” said Steve. She put it in her purse and took another sip of her coffee.

“He did really well yesterday. The key is to try to help him control the memory and not the other way around. It’s why he lashes out or zones out,” said Alison. Steve nodded.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” said Steve. Bucky came into the kitchen and eyed her.

“You let Steve cook?” asked Bucky.

“He did it before I woke up,” said Alison.

“I’ve gotten better at it,” said Steve.

“You would burn the toast all the time,” countered Bucky.

“I like my bacon super crispy,” said Alison taking a bite of the black bacon. “I’m just happy the smoke detector didn’t go off.”

“I put them on the fire escape,” said Steve. He got up to get them and Bucky poured his own cup of coffee and she handed him the creamer.

“So Steve did bring back the recording we got of Becca. Maybe you two could listen it to this morning while I’m out,” said Alison. He sat down with his own coffee and eyed the bacon Steve had cooked.

“Maybe,” said Bucky.

“Are you alright this morning?” asked Alison.

“Sort of nervous about hearing her voice again. Nervous about being out in public with Steve,” admitted Bucky.

“I think you’ll be fine with Steve. If it gets really bad for you I’ll have my phone and you can call me,” said Alison.

“I really shouldn’t bother you today. You’re going to pay your respects to your fiancée today,” said Bucky.

“Technically my day off isn’t until Sunday,” said Alison and he shook his head.

“You’re sort of nervous too,” said Bucky.

“Am I that easy to read?” asked Alison.

“A bit,” said Bucky. He could feel the tension coming off her. He knew she was supposed to go see the people who would have been her in-laws and return some of her fiancée’s things. _I guess that would be a little nerve racking,_ thought Bucky.

“I guess we’re both doing things we really don’t want to do today,” said Alison.

“That’s good to know,” said Bucky. Alison got up to make Bucky some eggs since he refused to touch the brunt bacon. Steve put the smoke detector back up and looked at Bucky.

“Is it really that bad?” asked Steve.

“Yes,” said Bucky flatly. Alison gave Bucky the eggs and went to go take a shower. Steve poured himself another cup of coffee.

“So I asked Alison if we could join her tonight at the memorial service. If you feel up to being around more people,” said Steve.

“What if someone recognizes us?” asked Bucky.

“I have glasses and baseball caps,” said Steve.

“Really,” said Bucky.

“Worked in D.C,” said Steve. “So do you mind if I ask what brought you back to New York?” asked Steve trying to follow Alison’s advice to lead Bucky into a memory instead of him falling into it.

“I really don’t know. I just felt like I needed to come here,” said Bucky.

“You were only a few blocks from the old apartment,” said Steve.

“I might have broken into the old apartment and slept on the roof,” admitted Bucky.

“It was weird to find out they turned into a historical landmark,” said Steve. “I did go in and it was a little too clean.”

“It didn’t feel right,” said Bucky.

“Yeah,” said Steve. They sat there in silence until Alison came out. She was dressed in black leggings and a long white sweater. She had a long black scarf wrapped around her neck, the bruising was fading, but were still there. At least she could eat solid food again and her voice sounded almost normal.

“You guys alright?” asked Alison grabbing her black flats.

“We’ll be fine,” said Steve. Sam came in and looked around.

“You ready?” asked Sam.

“As ready as I’m going to be,” said Alison. She handed Steve an extra house key. “In case you guys get back before we do.” She picked up the box and followed Sam out.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

           He and Steve didn’t need a car since everything was in walking distance. Alison’s building was only a few blocks from their old apartment. People didn’t pay them any attention as they went by. They all seemed to be in a hurry or huddled together talking. It was the anniversary of the Invasion and from what he understood a lot of different services and memorials had been planned for today. Bucky could recall the causality count being in the thousands when he had been briefed about what happened. He knew about the memorial service in the park, but when they had the news on last night it seemed each borough had something different planned not to mention the churches seemed to holding their own services. He heard church bells ringing from a distance and he knew they used to go all the time when they were younger. It wasn’t the one they walked by, that was where Alison had volunteered with.

           “This wasn’t our church,” said Bucky nodding his head at the building.

           “No. We went to Saint Francis.  The building burned down in the 60’s and they turned it into a park. They rebuilt in Queens though,” said Steve.

           “You were an altar boy,” said Bucky. _He could feel how hard the wood was through his dress pants. Becca pulling her dress around her knees and his mother wincing a bit to get on her knees. The cold always bothered her back this time of year. Steve’s mother was next to her and she took her hand to help her down. Bucky looked up to see Steve standing off the side with the water the Father used to wash his hands. The vestments were almost too big on him, but they were the smallest size they had._

           “Only for a year or two,” said Steve shrugging. “It made mom happy, but I kept getting sick so I missed too many services to continue on.”

           “I got kicked out of class didn’t I?” asked Bucky and Steve gave him a little smile.

           “You didn’t like the other kids picking on me. Sadly you were the only one caught fighting so you got kicked out,” said Steve. _He gave the boy a good kick in the ribs for pushing Steve down. Sister Mary grabbed him by his collar._

           “ _James Barnes!” She grabbed his ear and pulled him inside._

           “Sister Mary would pull your ears, but Sister Judith would hit you with the ruler if she caught you acting up,” Steve looked at him slightly impressed.

           “She was always sort of mean. She did seem to enjoy it a little too much,” said Steve. Bucky looked around and once again it was sort of like a hazy, but Steve kept talking to him. The 7-11 on their right used to be the corner market where Steve used to work. The bookshop a few blocks down had been the bakery where Becca had worked.

           “She always brought home the day old bread,” said Bucky looking at the bookshop.

           “You liked the raisin bread,” said Steve. _She would try to hide a loaf for us so it wouldn’t sell. She confessed it every Sunday and had to say a prayer of forgiveness for stealing. I didn’t consider it stealing. We just wanted to eat,_ thought Bucky.

           “Do you still go to church?” asked Bucky has they walked down the street and he spotted another church up ahead. _Sunday, Wednesday and the holidays when mom was alive. After she died went with Steve’s mom and when she died we only went on Sundays._

           No. I tried for a while after coming back and I just didn’t feel anything. After everything we saw during the war I wanted to believe again. Then I got to fight alongside someone we thought was a myth.. It’s sort of hard to pray to the Virgin Mary when you know a real god or the closest thing we’ll ever know to a God,” said Steve.

“I don’t know what I believe anymore. If there is a god he is a mean son of bitch,” said Bucky. _He could feel the metal being grafted to his skin and someone gave him another shot so he passed out again. It still hurt when he woke up and he grabbed the tech by the throat..._

           “Hey it’s safe here,” said Steve touching his shoulder bring him back to now.

           “Do you wonder how they can still believe?” asked Bucky. They watched a man with three young children hug two older people and they seemed to be in a state of grief and shock.  

           “Because they need too,” said Steve.

           “Our moms would kill us to know we don’t go anymore,” said Bucky. _He held his mother’s hand as Father Thomas read her last rites. Becca had her head resting on his back and her arms wrapped around his waist. He could feel her tears though his shirt and his own tears were burning in his eyes._

           “ _You’re a good boy James,” It hurt her to breathe and she took another pained breath. “Be a good girl for your brother Rebecca. No talking back to him. And no picking on her James. You two have to be good too each other.” She closed her eyes and he swore he could feel every second as she died. Becca started sobbing and he felt his mother’s grip loosen on his hand. He turned and tried taking Becca out of the room. She started sobbing and he almost had to pick her up and carry out of the room._

           “You still here Bucky?” asked Steve.

           “Just thinking,” said Bucky and he kept walking.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

           “ _I’m trying to study,” said Alison giving Matt a playful shove and picking up her highlighter. He took the notebook away and grinned._

_“All work and no play make Ally no fun at all,” sang Matt. She gave him a mocking glare._

           “ _When the zombie uprising happens you are going to want a highly skilled nurse on your team and you are screwing with her study time. She has a very important test coming up and she needs to study,” said Alison taking the notebook back._

           “ _So you actually have a zombie plan?” asked Matt looking amused._

           “ _Not a fully worked out one. But you will want someone who can do stitches and take blood samples. So think that over,” said Alison. She picked up her book to start reading again and couldn’t focus because Matt kept looking at her with that goofy smile on his face. Alison sat her book down and sighed._

           “ _What?” asked Alison annoyed._

           “ _Just bored,” said Matt. Alison rolled her eyes and picked the book back up._

           “ _If I asked you to marry me right now would you say yes?” asked Matt. She went to put the book down again and saw Matt had the ring in front of her._

           “ _Oh my god,” said Alison and she dropped the book. Matt grinned._

           “ _Now that I have you attention. Alison…”_

           “ _Yes,” she said._

           “ _Let me finish,” said Matt. “Alison.”_

           “ _Oh my god yes!” said Alison nearly knocking him over to hug him._

           “ _It’s good to know you’ll take a study break for a marriage proposal,” said Matt as she kissed him._

Sam held her hand as they walked through the cemetery. Sophia and Renee were with them. Alison had a small thing of daisies with her. _He got me daisies for Homecoming. I picked out daisies for the tables at the wedding._ Alison looked down at the headstone and saw it already had a wreath and some other potted flowers. _I’m really sorry I haven’t been out in here awhile,_ thought Alison laying the flowers down. Sam pulled her into a side hug as Sophia and Renee put their flowers down.

“You know I didn’t go to the funeral either,” said Sam and Alison looked up at him. “Robert wanted to go, but he was worried about you being alone in case you woke up. So I got stuck watching you Sleeping Beauty,” said Sam trying to tease her. She leaned into the hug.

“Didn’t try hitting on any of my coworkers while I was sleeping?” asked Alison wiping her eyes. It was either laugh or cry right now.

“No one took the bait,” said Sam.

“I’m really sorry,” said Alison.

           “So you really plan on disappearing to god knows where after tomorrow,” said Renee.

           “Upstate New York is hardly god knows where and I’ll be back on Sundays. The old man needs someone to watch football with,” said Alison. Renee went to say something when Sophia cut her off.

           “I love you darling, but this is her choice and clearly she wants to do this. Stop trying to talk people out being heroes,” said Sophia. Renee gave her a look and sighed.

           “You know I think this is a sign you need to go back to Camp Happy, but I’m clearly outnumbered here,” said Renee. “Just promise me you won’t put on a catsuit and starting calling yourself something stupid like Butterfly or American Woman.” Alison hugged her and Sam shook his head.

           “I don’t know Butterfly has a nice ring to it,” said Sam and Renee glared at him.

           “I best never see her on TV fighting or so help me you will need the Super Solider to save your ass from me kicking me,” said Renee.

           “You know Matt would be really proud of you,” said Sophia giving Alison a hug.

           “He would probably be trying talking me into the catsuit for non-superhero reasons,” said Alison and Sophia laughed. They stood around Matt’s grave and Alison put her hand on Matt’s tombstone. _I hope you would be alright with me doing something like this,_ thought Alison.

           “You need a minute?” asked Sam.

           “I think I’m good for now,” said Alison. _I still miss you, but it’s better now. I’m going to be just fine._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

           Somehow he and Steve ended up at the cemetery where their mothers had been buried. Wendy Barnes was buried a few rows away from Sarah and Joseph Rogers . Bucky stood next to Steve as he looked at his parent’s tombstones.

           “I haven’t been out here for a while,” said Steve. The tombstones were still standing if not a bit worse for wear. “I didn’t think to bring anything.”

           “I didn’t either,” said Bucky. He could remember that Sarah had been there to help him out after his mother died. _I didn’t know the first thing about taking care of a teenage girl,_ thought Bucky.

           “Your mom...she helped us,” said Bucky.

           “We all helped each other. When my mom had a night shift your mom looked out for me and my mom made sure you guys were alright too,” said Steve.

           “She showed me how to hold a baby,” said Bucky. ”She used to call me Jimmy.”

           “ _I really wanted a little brother,” said Bucky looking at the baby his mother was holding. Sarah had taken his mother to the hospital to have the baby and now he had a little sister, her name was Rebecca Elizabeth Barnes. She was sleeping and his mother shook her head, but smiled at him._

           “ _Come here Jimmy and I’ll show you how to hold the baby,” said Sarah patting a spot on the bed. He got on the bed and Sarah took the baby from his mother. “Now you have to keep her head up because it’s still really delicate. Like glass.” She helped him hold up her head before easing away._

           “ _She’s so small,” said Bucky. She let out a yawn, but stayed asleep._

           “ _Did your father come home yet?” asked his mother and Bucky shook his head. His father had been home for a few minutes after the neighbors told him where his mother had gone. He hadn’t come to see them yet._

           “ _I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” said Sarah putting a hand on his mother’s shoulder. His mother looked like she wanted to cry._

           “ _I’ll help with the baby. I promise,” said Bucky. Maybe she wouldn’t be so bad._

           “Bucky?” asked Steve. He had walked over to his mother’s grave and realized there was a small marker for him and for Steve next to her.

_James Buchanan Barnes-Born March 10th 1917 Died-February 21st 1944. Beloved Son and Brother._

_Steven Grant Rogers-Born-July 4th 1918 Died- February 23rd 1944. Beloved Son and Best Friend._

“Becca said they had funerals for both of us at Arlington, but she must have put these here. She wanted us close to home,” said Steve. She never told him about it. _Maybe she figured you had enough death in your life,_ thought Steve.

“They didn’t have bodies to bury,” said Bucky. Did his sister come and stand here over their mother and wonder where he and Steve were buried.

“We weren’t the only ones,” said Steve. Bucky shook his head and touched his mother’s tombstone. _Alison wanted to know where I learned to dance and it was from my mother._

“My mother taught me how to dance. It was her birthday,” said Bucky softly.

“You bought her a record. Do you remember that?” asked Steve. He was doing that thing Alison would do. Ask him a question to see how much he could remember. It was a sort of test. _I don’t get in trouble for remembering anymore. It’s alright to remember even though it hurts._

_Bucky had scrimped and saved for weeks to get his mother a birthday present and he held the record close to his chest. The record player had been their only Christmas present a few years back and they only had a few records. He really wanted to get her this one, they had heard the song on the radio from Steve’s and his mom’s apartment and had really liked it. Mr. Harkon had some flowers on sale and he picked those up too. She was home and making dinner with Becca’s help._

            “ _Young man you are almost...well what is this for?” asked his mother._

            “ _Happy birthday,” said Bucky and he hugged her. She took the flowers and kissed his cheek_

            “ _Someday you are going to make a lady very happy,” She put the flowers in a glass jar and he handed her the record. She got a little glassy eyed when she saw it. “You are very sweet. Thank you darling.” She put the record on and hummed with the music._

_Stars shining bright above you_

_Night breezes seem to whisper ‘I love you’_

_Birds singing in the sycamore trees_

_Dream a little dream of me_

_His mother taught him and Becca how to dance to that song._

            “It was Ozzie Nelson,” said Bucky and even he was a little surprised that he could remember who it was by.

            “It took me the longest time to find some of the records we used to have. Someone at SHIELD gave me one of those digital players. an I-pod and it just wasn’t the same. They meant well, but I wanted the old stuff, I guess I just wanted something from when things were normal,” said Steve.

            “You mean before we both became science projects?” asked Bucky with a slight grin and Steve couldn’t help but grin back. _We might have been some broke kids from Brooklyn, but we were happy together,_ thought Bucky

            “It’s not all bad though. Central air is amazing. All the movies are in color. Food is also much better,” said Steve.

            “And yet you still can’t cook,” said Bucky. He touched his mother’s tombstone again and closed his eyes. “I haven’t thought about her in such a long time. I didn’t realized I still missed her.” He knew logically everyone had come from parents, but the Soldier part of him refused to entertain the idea that he had a mother who might have cared about him once.

            “It’s the little things I miss the most. My mom always smelled like clean sheets and medicine. She would bite the inside of cheek when she paid the bills for the month,” said Steve.

            “She...she...I just miss her,” said Bucky. If there was an afterlife and Wendy Barnes had been watching over him would she still call him her son, her good boy? _I’m really sorry mom._

            “Do you wanna go?” asked Steve.

            “Please,” said Bucky. Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulder and Bucky let him lead the way.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

           Sam was waiting in the car while Alison went to the front door of Nick and Susan’s home in Queens. Sophia and Renee had agreed to meet them at the park this evening. She didn’t think this would take long. It didn’t look like anyone was home. She just planned to drop the stuff on the stoop with a note explaining things. _Just knock, wait a few seconds, drop the box off and walk away._ Alison adjusted the box on her hip and knocked quickly on the door. She counted to thirty in her head and no one came to the door. She was about to sit the box down when the door open and it was Rachel. She had cut her long dark hair up to her shoulders and permed it so it was in tight curls. Alison had to remind herself that Rachel wasn’t a teenager anymore, but a twenty something year old woman. _Matt would probably still see the little girl who colored on his sheet music once,_ thought Alison.

           “Oh my god,” said Rachel shocked..

           “Hi. Sorry I should have called first. Wasn’t sure if you still had the same number,” said Alison. “Is your dad home?” She would rather speak with Nick instead of Susan. He would just be easier to talk too. _Hell he might actually talk to you,_ thought Alison.

           “He’s away this weekend and I had to study for an exam. Um come in” said Rachel holding the door open.

           “I don’t want to bother you,” said Alison. _Why did I knock? Drop and run...stop being a coward,_ thought Alison.

           “Don’t worry. Is that Sam?” asked Rachel and she waved at him to come in. “Please come in. Don’t worry about my mom. I don’t know where she is.” The tone in Rachel’s voice had gone from warm to bitter cold when speaking of her mother.

           “Will she be back soon?” asked Alison stepping inside and Rachel let out a bitter little laugh.

           “My parent’s finally got divorced last year,” said Rachel with a hint of glee.

           “Oh my god I’m so sorry,” said Alison and Rachel waved it off.

           “No good marriage ends in divorce. I can’t remember if Dan Savage said that or someone else did. Hi Sam,” said Rachel as he appeared in the doorway. “Do you guys want something to drink?”

           “Actually I wanted to give you this,” said Alison holding the box. Rachel closed the door and looked at the box stunned. “I should have found it sooner, but it was in the storage unit and I didn’t know it was there,” said Alison.

           “It’s alright. Wow. Um. Let’s go in the kitchen and we can talk,” said Rachel looking very flustered. Alison gave Sam a look and he shook his head and motioned to the kitchen.  They went in and sat at the counter while Rachel made coffee. _We had pancakes here after Prom. Sunday dinners, Wedding plans were made here. Rachel was supposed to be a bridesmaid._

           “So what’s in the box?” asked Rachel her hands shaking a bit when she opened the box.

           “Stuff from Matt’s other high school and some from when we went to school together,” said Sam. Alison nodded as Rachel went through the box, it was mostly pictures, a few trinkets from music camps and his letter-man's jacket from the other school he went too before his family moved to New York.

           “I just can’t believe you found this and….” Rachel trailed off when she found the ring. She looked at Alison with a flushed face.

           “This is your ring,” said Rachel and Alison shook her head.

           “No sweetie it’s your ring. I don’t...I have to let him go,” said Alison suddenly feeling like she wanted to cry. Looking at Rachel was looking at a splitting image of Matt and it threw her. _Damn it. Get a grip._

           “You haven’t called in months,” said Rachel her voice full of hurt and Alison reached over and took Rachel’s hand.

           “I didn’t deal very well with everything and I wasn’t in a good place to talk to anybody. I wasn’t even talking to him,” said Alison pointing at Sam.

           “I missed you and no one would tell me anything. You just disappeared,” said Rachel. Alison sighed.

           “I went a little off my rocker and had to go to a hospital for a while to get myself back together. I know I should have called sooner, but I wasn’t in a good place. Everything was weird between us and I really didn’t know what to do,” said Alison. Rachel looked at the ring and she was near tears.

           “So why are you giving this back now?” asked Rachel.

           “I did love him and a part of me always will, but I have to let him go. I need to move on and that should be yours. You should wear it someday and give it your kids so they can give it to their kids. Not with me and his ghost,” said Alison. Rachel started crying and Alison went around the counter and hugged Rachel.

           “I’ll give you two a minute,” said Sam and he left the kitchen.

           “It sucks. The whole thing just sucks. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I miss you. I miss Matt,” said Rachel.

           “I know it wasn’t. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. Trust me I wasn’t in a good place to be around anyone. I wanted to give you guys back a piece of him. I have my memories of Matt and it’s enough for me. I also wanted to tell you guys I got a private nursing job upstate so I’ll be moving out the city,” said Alison.

           “So you came to say goodbye for good,” said Rachel.

           “Not for good, but I did want to say good bye the right way,” said Alison. “I still care about you and your family and I would have loved to have been in it. I think a part of me will always be tied to this family. But if things were different and I had died I wouldn’t want Matt to feel like he couldn’t move on. I felt like I couldn’t move on for the longest time and now I feel ready too,” said Alison.

           “Have you started dating again?” asked Rachel and Alison let out a nervous laugh.

           “I went on one very horrible date two weeks ago. I’m a little out of step with how dating works now. I’m trying though,” said Alison.

“Whoever he is better be awesome to you or I will kick their ass,” said Rachel almost laughing and crying at the same time.

“You will be either fourth or fifth in line to kick said person’s ass,” said Alison. Rachel went over to the box, took the jacket out and hugged it.

“Dad is really going to love this. Mom took almost all of Matt’s stuff. Their marriage was always really crappy and Matt’s death was just the end point for them. Dad is happier without her...he smiles more. He lost about forty pounds and started dating again. So if a fifty something year old single dad can get a date so can you,” said Rachel.

“Everyone is really freaking me out with need for me to date,” said Alison.

“It’s because you are awesome and someone needs your awesomeness,” said Rachel hugging her.  “Dad is actually with his girlfriend this weekend. He needed out of town and I told him to get gone. I’m going to Mid-town tonight with some friends to a service there and then I’m taking my fake I.D and getting totally shitfaced with my business school friends.”

“I’m going to Prospect Park with Sam and the gang tonight. Don’t be too stupid,” said Alison and Rachel gave her a smile so much like Matt’s it hurt a little.

“Whatever mom,” said Rachel. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too,” said Alison giving her a hug. She and Sam got in the car and headed back to Brooklyn.

It never gets easier,” said Alison and she went to twist her ring and stopped herself a second before her hand got their. Sam took her hand and squeezed it.

“At least you aren’t alone,” said Sam.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           “So you just let it go,” said Bucky confused and Alison gave him a small smile. She was holding a paper lantern, some markers and a lighter.

“It’s symbolic. You write the names of your love ones on the lantern. You light it and let it go,” said Alison kneeling on the ground. She took one of the markers and wrote _Matt Quilin_ and _Robert Jr and Jill Conley_ on the paper lantern

“I’m surprised they do this in the city,” said Sam.

“It does seem like a safety hazard,” said Steve. The woman Alison had introduced as Sophia rolled her eyes and knelt down next to Alison.

“Everyone got the proper permits I’m sure,” said Sophia. The other woman, Renee sat down and took the marker from Alison

“Besides they did this last year and everything turned out fine,” said Renee. Alison handed her the marker and Renee wrote _Marcus Hickman._

They were all at Prospect Park near the Bandstand area and Bucky thought he could remember being in this park. Alison had been talking about this park the night he threatened her so she didn’t finish telling them about the park. _You can be a real asshole you know that,_ thought Bucky. He knelt down to ask her to tell him more about the park and she looked a little surprised.

“Did you want to write something on the lantern?” Alison asked holding out the marker to him. _When was the last time you wrote anything?_ thought Bucky and his right hand clenched into a fist and could feel it shaking. _I was going to write a letter home..._

“I could write it for you,” said Alison calmly as if she sensed his frustration.

“Please,” said Bucky. “Wendy Barnes and Georgina….I didn’t know her last name.”

“That’s fine. Is that Wendy with a I or a Y?” asked Alison.

“With a Y,” said Bucky. She wrote down the names and held the marker up to Steve and Sam.

“Do you wanna add any names?” asked Alison. Sam took the marker and wrote _Riley Cardell_ before handing the marker to Steve.

“All the cool kids are doing it,” said Sam. Steve wrote _Sarah and Joseph Rogers._ He paused for a second before writing all the names of the Howling Commandos before capping the marker. _We’re all that’s left now,_ thought Bucky. He could see them so clearly sometimes and other times it was like a blurry photo. _They were all idiots. We all were idiots who barely made it out alive once and decided to go back for more and..._ He felt Steve grab his right arm hard. Not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to bring him back to now.

“Do you want go?” asked Alison looking at him worried. The others were also looking at him worried, but her worry seemed different than Sam and the others. It was like how Steve looked worried about him.

“Just hit me you know. That they’re gone,” said Bucky and Steve’s grip got a little tighter and Alison nodded.

“I know that has to be really hard for you,” said Alison. Sam exchanged looks with Renee and Sophia as Alison kept talking to Bucky in what they called ‘the nurse’ tone. It was calm and could probably talk you into anything since it was so conniving about everything it said. Sam noticed how Barnes would look at her now when she spoke. The fact he was making eye contact with anyone was a downright miracle. _You just have to keep working on him,_ thought Sam.

“We can talk about this more later if you want,” said Alison and he nodded. She took his right hand and gave it a small squeeze.

“Thanks,” said Bucky.

“It’s what I’m here for,” said Alison. Steve eased his grip up as Bucky stopped feeling so tense. The sun had gone down and people started setting up their lanterns and lighting them.

“Did you do this last year?” asked Bucky.

“I was still in the hospital during this last year. I could see it from where I was though. It was really pretty,” said Alison. He was about to ask about her time in the hospital when someone turned off the park lights and all you could see were the lantern lights.

“Everyone. We’ll give the signal of when to release the lantern in just a few minutes. But first a few words from Brooklyn Borough President- Lana Paizo,” said a male voice. There was the sound of the mike being handed off and the clearing of a throat.

“Hello everyone. I keep hoping this will get easier with time, but I always find myself at a lost for words about today. I find myself looking at all the people here and there is one word that comes to mind. Hope. On this day we all faced something that was beyond anything we ever could imagine and we’re still here. We stayed here because this is our home. We stayed here because of our hopes that we could rise above what happened. It’s been hard for so many here. There isn’t a person who wasn’t touched by the events that happened three years ago…” Bucky tuned out the woman speaking and looked at the group around him.

Sophia was leaning on Renee and silent tears were falling. Renee kissed her forehead and just held her. Alison seem fixated on the lantern and her hands seemed to be shaking on it. Sam had his hand on her arm the way Steve had grabbed his. Steve had his hands shoved in his pockets and he was scanning the crowd. _He fought the aliens. He tried to save as many people as he could,_ thought Bucky.

“It’s my hope that we continue to come together to celebrate the lives of those we loved and that they will be a light for all us to cherish,” said the woman. She handed the mike back and the man started speaking.

“I the count of three. One...two..three…” Alison let go of the lantern and so did the others around them. Alison’s eyes looked glassy in the candlelight and Sam hugged her. The sky above them filled with the lanterns and it was easily the prettiest thing Bucky had seen in years.

“Didn’t we come here in the summer for fireflies?” asked Bucky looking at Steve who also had the glassy eye look Alison did.

“We tried to catch them,” said Steve.

“They look like fireflies,” said Bucky watching the lanterns drift higher up.

“Yeah the do,” agreed Steve.

They watched until the lanterns they were almost tiny pinpricks in the distance before starting the walk home. Alison wiped her eyes and let out a huge sigh.

“Well that wasn’t so bad,” said Alison.

“It had more people than last year,” said Sophia.

“It…” started Alison when she paused.

“What?” asked Sam and Alison shook her head.

“Listen,” said Alison nodding her head across the street. It was a street musician on the corner with a guitar singing.

“Hey Jude...don’t be afraid. You were made to go out and get her. The minute you let her under your skin, then you’ll begin to make it better.”

“You know that is one of the few things I don’t miss about Matt. The mocking of my name,” said Alison.

“What?” asked Steve and Bucky was also confused. _You were going to marry someone who made fun your name?_

“My full name is Alison Jude Conley,” she explained and Renee started to laugh.

“Every time he heard any song with Alison in it he would poke fun at her and every time he heard this song he started in. It was a little funny,” said Renee.

“It was only funny after a few drinks,” countered Alison. Bucky couldn’t recall any song with Alison in it, but he could recall Jude. Only it wasn’t a song.

“Jude was a saint,” said Bucky and they all sort of looked at him stunned.

“There is that too,” said Alison.

“He was the saint of lost causes,” said Bucky. _It’s oddly fitting considering you have to deal with me,_ thought Bucky.

“He was also the saint of hospitals. My mom seemed to go to him first for all things,” said Steve. Alison turned a little pink.

“My parents just really liked the song,” said Alison. They walked Sophia and Renee back to their car.

“Good luck,” said Sophia hugging her. Renee hugged her.

“No catsuits,” she teased before getting in the driver’s seat. They watched them get in the car and drive off. They headed inside and dropped Sam off at his aunt’s apartment.

“So we’re leaving at noon,” said Sam.

“I’m taking the old man to breakfast and to remind him I’m moving,” said Alison.

“Pepper said a team will take everything you have boxed up to Headquarters in the morning so we can take the jet back,” said Steve. Sam hugged her.

“Get some sleep,” he said.

“You too,” said Alison. They headed up to her apartment and Alison went to the kitchen to put the kettle on for tea. “Do you guys want a cup?”

“I wouldn’t mind one,” said Steve.

“No thank you,” said Bucky. He went into the living room and looked at the small pile of boxes she had sitting by the door and the guitar case next to the boxes. Alison came back into the living room.

“I can make you something else,” said Alison.

“Do you play this too?” asked Bucky touching the case.

“A little. He was teaching me to play before he died,” said Alison.

            “Were you any good?” asked Bucky and Alison grinned. She opened the case and sat down with the guitar.

            “I might be a little rusty,” said Alison tuning up. “This one is a little sappy.” Alison started and Bucky felt his breath hitch.

            “Stars shining bright above you. Night breezes seem to whisper I love you. Birds singing in the sycamore tree. Dream a little dream of me” sang Alison. It sounded sad coming from her. _Did it always sound this sad,_ thought Bucky. She went to start the next verse when he grabbed her arm with his right hand. She stopped and looked at him worried.

            “My mom liked that song. How do you know it?” asked Bucky.

            “We heard in it in the 30’s,” said Steve seeing Alison looking confused.

            “Oh. I know from a band called Mamas and Papas from the 70’s. I knew they redid it, but I didn’t realize how it really was. It was the last song Matt taught me,” said Alison she was turning a little pink in the face again. The kettle whistled and Steve went to turn it off.

            “Do you want to talk about her?” asked Alison.

            “I just started missing her again,” said Bucky. “I haven’t missed her in a long time.”

            “It’s alright to miss her no matter long it’s been,” said Alison.

            “Sometimes I can remember her so clearly….remember it all so clearly and other times it’s really hazy and nothing makes sense,” explained Bucky.

            “That’s something we’re going to try you help you with. It might take awhile before it gets better, but it’s going to get better,” said Alison.

            “Trying to live up to the saint’s name huh,” said Bucky and she gave him a look.

            “I’m really sure my parents did not think about the saint when naming me,” said Alison. Steve came back in and handed her a cup of tea and she thanked him.

            “Your family is really into a music,” teased Steve and she laughed.

            “Well my parents did meet at a music festival,” said Alison.

            “Well it’s nice to know the classics didn’t completely go away,” said Steve.

            “Vie en Rose,” said Bucky and they both looked at him.

            “What?” asked Steve looking slightly hopeful for some reason.

            “Did we know that song? I remembered it earlier and there was a little girl singing it,” said Bucky.

            “There was a little girl,” said Steve grinning and Alison looked up at Steve.

            “Is there something you wanna share?” asked Alison. Steve sat down in a chair.

            “I was hoping you would remember this,” said Steve and he started telling them about Sergeant Barnes and his sweetheart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dream a little dream-1931
> 
> https://youtu.be/ry3G_JpxDco
> 
> Dream a little dream-Mamas and Papas
> 
> https://youtu.be/ajwnmkEqYpo


	11. Sergeant Barnes and his Sweetheart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All French was done through Google-Translate. Because like Joey from Friends I do not speak French. I’m very sorry for any mistakes if you do know French and see them.

January 1944 _-Border between Germany and France_

Bucky’s hands were shaking as he tried to light the cigarette. He dropped the match and swore. He went to fish another one out when Morita came over with his own match.

“Thanks,” said Bucky lighting the cigarette off it and taking a heavy drag off it.

“Not a problem,” said Morita taking a drag off his. “Where’s Cap?”

“Radioing Phillips. Trying to explain what we found,” said Bucky. It was a task that he did not envy. _How do you even begin to describe that?_ wondered Bucky. “How’s everyone else holding up?”

“Dugan is drinking. Falsworth is really keeping the stiff upper lip. Dernier is taking what we saw really hard. The kids,” said Morita and he took a drag off his cigarette. “Gabe is trying to keep him together.”

They had just finished a raid on Hydra base just inside the German border. Bucky was a bit surprised that Hitler hadn’t tore it down yet considering Schmidt had gunned down Nazi troops in Italy. They were getting ready to head back when they came across another squad and they seemed frantic. They said they found something and they weren’t sure what to make of it. That they could really use the backup. Steve agreed to assist them and they followed the squad about two miles before they came across a locked gate with a wire fence and men were leaning on it. They were dressed in what looked like prison clothes, but the clothes just hung off them. They looked hollowed eyed, in a state of shock and didn’t say anything as they approached.

“What in the hell is this. Another POW camp?” asked Dugan. There was a horrible burning smell and Bucky covered his mouth with his sleeve just as a young private nearby threw up. Steve broke the lock on the gate and ordered those close by to step back. They stepped back slowly and they started speaking in German.

“Gabe,” called Steve and the young man stepped forward and started talking to the group. Bucky and the others walked further into the camp and found the bodies. Piles upon piles of the dead. So skinny and broken Bucky couldn’t believe that they were people. They were all wearing the same clothes, but a few had gold stars sewn to their clothes and others had triangles on them. Other started coming towards them looking almost like the dead. Carrying each other and looking at them with stunned shock. An old man came up and hugged Bucky sobbing.

“Jesus Christ what is this place?” asked Falsworth as a man fell at his feet unable to stand anymore. Falsworth helped the man up and Bucky pulled his canteen out to give to the old man who had been hugging him.

“Camp,” said the old man and his voice was barely a rasp. Bucky had him sit down and take the water. The man chugged it in mere seconds.

“You speak English?” asked Bucky and the old man nodded. “Who are you with?” asked Bucky and the man looked confused. “Your unit?”

“I was a teacher,” he said. Dugan handed Bucky his water to give to the old man. The old man drank until he started to cough.

“Take it slow. Can you tell me what this place is?” asked Bucky. The old man explained that it was a work camp, but the work wasn’t very clear. He had been a teacher at a college who had not gone along with some of Hitler’s ideas. He had been sent here along with some of teachers and students who protested the party line.”

“They also sent the Jews and the homosexuals here,” coughed the old man. “The guards heard that there might be an American force moving in. So they lined whoever they could find up and just started shooting. They ran out of ammo I think. So they just locked the doors,” said the man.

“Sarge,” called a private. “Cap wants you.” Bucky pressed his water bottle onto the old man. He could get a new one. He pulled out a thing of rations and gave them to the old man.

“Watch him,” said Bucky to the private. The old man was weeping and sharing crackers with the man Falsworth was helping. Steve had taken his helmet off and was looking around the place in horror.

“We found bodies and more living civilians. They all need immediate first aid,” said Bucky.

“I sent two men back to town to try and get some supplies. We need to go five miles to the south. This was just a camp for men. They kept women and children at another location,” said Steve and Bucky felt his heart sink.

“You don’t think,” started Bucky.

“I don’t want to think. Let’s just hope that they’re alright,” said Steve. He left Dugan and Falsworth behind and took Morita, Dernier and Gabe with them. They walked quickly and soon saw another wire fence and a locked gate. Steve broke it open and they heard the pitiful cries. They were coming from a locked building with boarded up windows. Steve broke the door down and the smell of death was overwhelming and it nearly knocked Bucky off his feet.

“I’m going to be sick,” said Gabe and he leaned against the building wall. The eyes looking back at them were haunted and hollowed.

“It’s alright we’re here to help you,” said Steve. The women started crawling out and they were even worse than the men. Heads shaved, faces and bodies so thin it was like watching bones walk. One woman was carrying a child and the child wasn’t breathing and the woman was crying and babbling in French. Dernier reached out to her and spoke a few words while trying not to cry himself.  One woman collapsed in Bucky’s arms and she was so light it was unreal

“We’re going to help you,” said Steve to a woman who was sobbing into his chest.

They found more dead in the other buildings and in train cars, It was mostly children and Bucky could barely keep himself in line. _What the hell is this and why? They’re civilians. They were children._ The answer didn’t make sense to him. They were Jewish. Most of the woman and children here were Jewish.

It took hours to get the help needed and even then it might not be enough they were all in such bad shape. Graves were found where the dead had been tossed away like trash. They all had numbers tattooed on their arms like animals. Dernier started crying and had to excuse himself for several minutes.

Now a day later and closer to France for pickup they all had time to think about what they saw even if they didn’t want too. Bucky found out the old man who had given the crackers too had died on the way to Red Cross. His heart just gave out.

“You know I thought the camp in California was bad, but the Germans don’t play around,” said Morita bitterly. Bucky had read about how people from Japan or had Japanese parents had been rounded up after Pearl Harbor. Bucky didn’t agree with it hundred percent, but he didn’t think it would be that bad. Morita had sort of talked about it. This parents, his two younger sisters and himself had been crammed into a one room shack with a leaking roof. They really hadn't been allowed to grab anything other than some clothes. His mother had somehow managed to grab a photo album to bring. Morita had enlisted to get out of the camp much to his parent’s disappointment. Morita wanted to prove he was an American and if fighting Germans would prove that case he was going to do it. Gabe joined them and shook his head at the offer of a cigarette.

“Listen I know this might be asking a lot, but do you think we could delay going back a day?” asked Gabe.

“Why?” asked Bucky.

“Dernier’s hometown is thirty miles from here and he really needs to see his daughter or he might go AWOL and start a solo Nazi hunt for those guards in charge of those camps,” said Gabe.

“Can he go AWOL?  He’s not a soldier,” said Morita. Dernier had been a French Freedom Fighter before he had been caught by Hydra. The guy was almost a genius at blowing stuff up. Before the war he had been a demolitions expert, he would blow up old bridges so new ones could be built.

“He’s part of the team and the last thing we need is one of our own going off on a revenge mission and getting themselves killed. I’ll go talk to Steve,” said Bucky stomping out his cigarette.

It actually wasn’t that hard to talk Steve into the side trip. He agreed they all needed a little R&R after the other day. So they contacted Howard and told him to have the plane land near Mulhouse tomorrow afternoon and they ‘borrowed’ a car to drive the thirty miles. Dernier seemed more twitchy than normal. He hadn’t seen his daughter in over a year and she was all the family he had left. Her mother had been killed during a German raid and the girl had been spared by not being home at the time. She was as safe as she could be, but Bucky imagined that seeing her again would be a morale booster for him. _Seeing Steve again really improved my morale,_ thought Bucky.

The orphanage was just a large farm house and about twenty children were running around outside in the snow and chatting away in rapid French. When they saw the car approach almost all the children got wide eyed and a lot of them ran to house and were calling out to what Bucky assumed was the house mother since a large woman with black hair pulled into a braided bun came out and eyed the car nervously.

Dernier hoped out the car before it had come to a full stop and the woman looked relaxed and called out to him in French. They kept talking in French and she went into the house and he heard her bellow out for Cecilia. After a few moments a little girl with long blonde hair and a blue coat came out and her eyes got wide at the sight of Dernier.

“Papa?” she asked and before he could say anything she was running across the yard and she nearly knocked him over to jump in his arms. He picked her up and she hugged him as she went on in rapid French.

“Well if this doesn’t melt your heart,” said Dugan and Falsworth gave him a quick elbow in the side. The kids started to come out and looked at them in shock before clamoring around them and Bucky looked at Steve as the kids started pulling him towards the house.

“This could be fun,” said Morita has the kids started pulling him towards the house too.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

They had dinner with the house mother, her assistant and all the kids in a large dining room. Dinner was a chicken stew and bread. They tried to refuse the food and the woman insisted they eat and she didn’t seem the type to fight with. Cecilia sat next to her father and they both were chatting rapidly with each other. Bucky could sort of see the family resemblance between father and daughter. He was small and dark haired while his daughter was very fair and blonde, but they did have the same dark brown eyes and they didn’t seem to breathe while talking.

The house mother spoke a little English and she apologized for not having enough room for them, but she promised them the barn was dry and warm enough. Steve assured her it was fine and thanked her again for taking them in on such short notice.

“It’s alright. She needed to see him,” said the woman nodding at Cecilia and Dernier. He couldn’t stop looking at her and he had the biggest smile on his face. They finished dinner and Falsworth and Gabe helped with the clean-up while the kids started trying to get Steve and the rest of them outside to play with them. They taught the kids to play baseball with a stick and a bean bag until it was time for them to go to bed. _It's almost like being home,_ thought Bucky. Cecilia ended up sleeping in the barn with them and Bucky could hear her and Dernier whispering back and forth. Bucky could make out a bit of it since Gabe had been teaching him French since Italy. Dernier told her she was good girl and he was very proud of her. That when this was all over they would go home and maybe they could get a cat. _Maybe I’ll get a dog after this. I always wanted a dog,_ thought Bucky.

The next morning they had their own rations for breakfast. Bucky dug into his bag and pulled out the thing of the cookies Becca had made him and even though they were rock hard he ate one. He had managed to hold on to a few after New Year’s and had been trying to make them last. Cecilia looked at him and when he took a bite of the cookie her eyes got huge at the sight of it. _When was the last time she had a cookie?_ thought Bucky. It has always been hard for him and Steve growing up, but at least they had their moms and each other.

“Do you want a cookie?” asked Bucky in his very bad French and he held out one of the cookies. She turned pink and looked at her father and asked if she could have it. He told her she could and she went over to him and her face was beet red. Bucky handed her the cookie and gave her a huge smile. She thanked him and shared the cookie with her father. Bucky had three cookies left and he handed them too her. _Kid probably hasn’t had sweets in ages,_ thought Bucky. Her eyes got wide and she thanked him profusely before tearing into them.

“Couldn’t share those with me,” joked Steve.

“Oh stop being such a baby,” said Bucky. They packed up their gear and Bucky could see that Dernier was trying to keep his face neutral so it didn’t upset her. Cecilia already looked near tears seeing them pack up. Dernier kissed her forehead and told her she had to be brave and she quickly wiped her eyes. Steve was watching them and Bucky could see he was torn. He knew Dernier wouldn’t leave the unit no matter what Steve said, but Steve had lost his own father to a war and had never known him. Steve would never forgive himself if anything happened to the old man now.

“What if she came with us?” asked Steve. Everyone looked at Steve confused.

“She is tiny. She could sneak into bases and be a distraction,” said Dugan.

“She could stay on the base in London,” said Steve. Dernier looked at him puzzled and spoke to Gabe. Gabe turned to Steve.

“He’s worried about what Phillips is going to say. He doesn’t want her to be trouble to anyone,” said Gabe.

“I’ll handle Phillips. Just get her things,” said Steve. Dernier smiled and told her to get her things. She smiled and ran back to the house singing happily that she was leaving with her father and the Americans.

“This is going to go over like a lead balloon,” said Falsworth.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

“This is a military base for military operations! Not a home for wayward kids! I should make you fly her back to France or drive her to the English countryside with all the other kids in the city,” snapped Phillips. Bucky looked at Peggy and she was trying not to smile.

“I might have a solution,” said Peggy. Steve and Phillips looked at her.

“I have a friend who was a French teacher and could take care of girl when the team is out on assignment,” said Peggy. Phillips closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.

“This whole war has turned into a three ringed circus why not toss a six year old girl in the mix. Fine. She can stay. She causes any trouble Rogers I will find a way to put a boot in your ass,” said Phillips.

“Thank you sir,” said Steve and they left the room. Bucky shook his head.

“Well that was fun,” said Bucky and Steve looked at Peggy.

“Thank you,” said Steve and Peggy grinned.

“Well it would be nice to see another female around here,” said Peggy. She took her leave of them and Bucky looked at Steve.

“Wow she has it bad,” said Bucky and Steve gave him a look. “Oh please it’s simply her rank that stops her from throwing herself at you. You know Howard did say the nurses had a free night this weekend.”

“I already had Peggy shoot at me for a misunderstanding with Phillips’s assistant. I don’t want her coming at me with the head nurse in tow,” said Steve. They headed back the barracks and Dernier was telling Cecilia a story while the others were relaxing. They all looked up at Steve and Bucky.

“So can we keep her?” asked Morita.

“She can stay,” said Steve. They already broke into grins and Dernier started thanking Steve.

“She’s a good girl,” said Dernier in his broken English. Steve had Gabe explain what was going to happen when they were away and that she could stay with them in the barracks and have meals with them in the chow hall. Bucky felt a tug on his jacket. He looked down and saw Cecilia.

“Hi,” said Bucky and she held up the last cookie.

“Voulez-vous partager?” she asked. Bucky understood the word share. He knelt down and helped her break in it in half.

“Oui,” said Bucky. She gave him a huge smile and let him have the bigger half.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Bucky was sitting in the chow hall with Falsworth and Dugan when Dernier and Cecilia came in. Dernier sat opposite of Bucky when Cecilia sat next to Bucky. Dernier shook his head and was trying not to laugh.

“Voulez-vous ne pas vous asseoir avec moi?”

“Je veux asseoir à côté de lui,” she said and Dernier sighed. Steve came up with his tray and sat on Bucky’s other side since Cecilia had taken his normal seat.

“So you have a new friend,” said Steve trying not grin. Bucky looked over and Cecilia was looking at him with those big brown eyes and shy smile. He smiled back and went to talk to Falsworth when she tugged on his jacket.

“Avez-vous une petite amie?” asked Cecilia and Dernier started laughing. Bucky understood ‘Do you’ and the rest was lost to him.

“I don’t understand,” said Bucky. Gabe sat down and Cecilia repeated her question to Bucky and Gabe started laughing.

“What is saying?” asked Steve.

“She wants to know if he has a sweetheart.” Steve got the biggest smile on his face and Dugan eyed him.

“Oh you slick son of a bitch,” said Dugan.

“Well he could do worse. I heard the French are wonderful cooks,” said Falsworth. He and Dugan started laughing and Cecilia got red in the face

“Arrêtez de rire de moi!” she said trying very hard to sound serious. It reminded Bucky so much of Becca he had to work really hard on not laughing.

“No I do not have a sweetheart at home,” said Bucky and Gabe repeated in French back to her. Cecilia’s whole face lit up and she gave Bucky the biggest smile. _She probably hasn’t smiled this much in ages,_ thought Bucky. He really hadn’t seen that many kids since coming overseas, but the ones he had seen were small and far too serious looking. They had grown up with not enough fun in their young lives. What was harm in letting the little girl have her crush?

“Puis-je être votre amoureux?” she asked.

“Oui,” said Bucky and she put her head on Bucky’s arm and Dernier sighed.

“Bien sûr, ma fille tombe en amour avec le bourreau des coeurs américain. Soyez bon pour elle ou je vais avoir Cap botter le cul,” said Dernier. Bucky understood something about having Steve kick his ass and that was about it.

“I promise to treat her like a lady,” said Bucky.

“That should worry you,” said Steve.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

Whenever he wasn’t on assignment or in training Cecilia became his shadow. She had to sit next him during all meals and she tended to linger around his bunk when they were all hanging out in the barracks. When they came back from assignment Peggy and Cecilia would be waiting for them. Cecilia would hug her father first and then come up him and give him a hug and she started talking a mile a minute about what had happened when they were away.

Everyone started teasing him about the 'romance' and they started calling Cecilia ‘Sergeant Barnes's Sweetheart’. Bucky didn’t care and was more than happy to spend his down time with the little girl. She reminded him a lot of Becca. His sister and the little girl would never take no for answer and had no issues telling people what was on their minds. Peggy made the mistake one night of sitting in Cecilia’s spot so she could talk to Steve and Cecilia gave her the dirtiest look possible. She marched up to Peggy after dinner and gave her an earful in French. Peggy bent down so she was face to face with her and Bucky could tell she wasn’t going to scold her. She talked calmly to her and when Peggy was done she held out her hand and they shook hands like they were equals. The next morning at the briefing Bucky asked her what they talked about and Peggy raised an eyebrow.

“Why I was informed that I could have any boy I wanted, but not you since you were her sweetheart. She asked very kindly for me to not take you away since I was much prettier and boys liked me more. I think that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in years,” said Peggy with a huge smile.

“What did you tell her?” asked Bucky.

“I told her that we are both ladies and that real ladies don’t steal from each other. I also told her she was very pretty and that she was also very smart and any boy who doesn’t notice that is a bloody idiot,” said Peggy picking up her files. “You are very sweet with her. I didn’t think that…” she cut herself off and Bucky shrugged.

“You have to be a real jerk to be mean to a little kid who seems to think you hung the moon. Besides it’s nice to have a girl look my way since Steve became the poster boy,” said Bucky.

“You have your good points too. Hopefully someone other than a six year old will see them someday,” said Peggy. She left and Bucky headed off to collect his mail and found his sister had written him and included the recipe for the cookies. He gave copy to Cecilia and the woman who took care of her when they were away.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

They were coming back from a mission and he could hear the little voice singing

 

Des yeux qui font baisser les miens,

Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche,

Voilà le portrait sans retouche

De l'homme auquel j'appartiens

 

Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas,

Je vois la vie en rose.

 

She came running down the hall and gave her father a hug before launching herself at Bucky.

“It’s almost like home. Girls throwing themselves at you,” said Steve.

“Don’t be jealous,” said Bucky and started giving Cecilia a piggy back ride down the hall. They weren’t going to have a lot of down time between this mission and the one coming up. They had heard Zola was on the move and the next mission was to bring him in. _I never thought I would hate one person so much,_ thought Bucky. She kept singing her little song in his ear. _Someday you are going to make someone very happy,_ thought Bucky.

Before he left he hugged her goodbye and she shyly handed him a bag of cookies. He promised they would share them when he came back. She gave him a little kiss on the cheek before leaving her caretaker.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

It was hard to tell who was taking the death of Sergeant Barnes harder-his best friend from childhood or the little girl who had lost her first love. Peggy had sat her down before the team came back and told her that Bucky wouldn’t be coming back and was in heaven now. She cried herself to sleep that night in Peggy’s apartment.

Dernier picked her up the next morning and she begged him to make it not true. He told her that Bucky had been brave and would want her to brave too. He was with her mother now and that it was going to okay. She went with her father a much older and sadder soul.

Peggy found Steve sitting in the burnt out remains of the old bar drinking. He wanted to go on the next mission and finish the Red Skull and he got his wish. Zola gave up the location of the final Hydra base and they planned a raid for the following day. They went to get some rest when Steve found the young girl sitting on Bucky’s bed and looking heartbroken. Steve came over and got into Bucky’s locker. He pulled out his dress hat and gave it too Cecilia.

“He would want you to have this. He really liked you too,” said Steve in the best French he could manage. She looked up at him through red eyes and hugged it.

“Thank you,” she said in a very small and heavily accented voice. Steve hugged her and her tears soaked his jacket.

When the team came back without Steve it was Cecilia who approached Peggy with a jacket that belonged to Steve. Peggy bent down and hugged the little girl.

“I’m sorry you lost your sweetheart too,” said Cecilia in French and Peggy wondered when children became wiser than all the adults around them.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

_Last year_

 

“Are you Captain Rogers?” asked the woman. He was finishing up his run and had sat down to stretch. Steve looked at her and she was a tall blonde going a bit gray, brown eyes and looked to be in her early fifties.

“I might be depending on what you want,” said Steve and she smiled.

“My name is Elise Tomlin and well you knew my mother back in the day. She was hoping to see you at the exhibit opening last night. She would have invited you personally, but no one would give us your mailing address. Thankfully Twitter keeps track of where you run. It’s rather adorable the hash tag of run America run,” she said. Steve looked at her and couldn’t place her mother in his mind.

“I’m sorry. Who is your mother?” asked Steve and something about her smile tugged at something in his head.

“Cecilia Dernier was her maiden name. She married one Richard Tomlin in 1963 and had me a few scandalous months later,” said Elise with the same smile. It was the smile that firmly placed her in Steve’s head. She had the same smile that little girl had when he saw her all those years ago. He stood up quickly and shook her hand.

“I wasn’t aware your mother was looking for me,” said Steve. He knew all the others had passed away. Dernier had passed away in the 90’s at the age of eighty six. He went in peace sitting in his garden at home in France. He had been next to last to go; Gabe had been the last to go a year later from liver cancer.

“Oh we’ve been looking since they story broke you were still alive, but SHIELD wouldn’t give us anything really. I guess they thought we could be crazies or something worse,” said Elise.

“I heard about the exhibit, but I wasn’t in town when it opened,” said Steve. Honestly he wasn’t sure how to feel about a whole museum display devoted to him and the other Howling Commandos now that he was back and they were gone. _We weren’t trying to be heroes. we just wanted to do the right thing,_ thought Steve.

“My mother used to run a war memorial museum in Paris and the museum here flew her out as a consultant of sorts. Actually some of the items on display are loans from the museum she used to work with. The Smithsonian asked her for an oral history of what it was like to be child during the war and the daughter of a Howling Commando. If you have the time she would really like to see you again,” said Elise.

“I can make the time this evening,” said Steve. She gave him her address, a number where they could be reached and wished him a good day. Steve watched her go and felt something in his heart twist. _The little girl got over you Bucky._

That evening Steve steeled himself and knocked on the door of a brownstone with a small thing of roses. Elise opened the door and smiled.

‘Thank you so much for going,” said Elise. She took the roses from him and she showed him to the living room. The woman in the wheelchair was in her seventies with gray hair pulled back into a low bun. Her brown eyes smiled at him and she looked so happy to see him.

“Hello Captain,” said Cecilia. “I’ve been working on my English for some time now.” The accent was still there, but her English had come a long way since 1944.

“Hello Cecilia,” Steve hugged her and she hugged him back. “It’s good to see you. How’s your life been?”

She still had that quick way of talking and Steve could still see the little girl who followed Bucky around. After she had finished college she found a job restoring art that had been damaged during the war. Soon she found herself trying to piece together other old things from that time. Clothes, toys and stories from people who had seen the war first hand. She ended up helping to create a museum of a time and place few could ever really understand and she hoped no one ever had to go through.

She had met her husband though her work. He had been trying to get a museum for Pearl Harbor going and wanted her advice on how to do it. He had been a child on the island the day it happened. Together they created that too, went on speaking trips about being children of war and somehow raised four children together. Her husband passed on last year from a heart attack and she was retired now and trying to enjoy her grandchildren.

“You did have a ride didn’t you,” teased Steve and she laughed a little.

“I have you to thank for that. You didn’t have to take me to England to be with my father. I might not have the love for what I do if not for you. I owe you for that,” said Cecilia.

“Your father loved you and would talk about you nonstop when Gabe felt like translating. He needed you to keep going. You made it a little better for all us back then,” said Steve. Cecilia laughed and called her daughter over.

“Can you bring me that box please?” asked Cecilia and her daughter went into the next room and brought out a small round box. Cecilia took a deep breath before going on.

“I’ve devoted my life to trying to keep a part of the past alive. I was very flattered when they asked me for my advice. I helped organize the loans, gave input on how the displays should look and even gave them some things of my father’s. But there was one thing I simply could not give them and you should have it,” she pushed the box towards him. Inside Steve found the dress hat of James Barnes. She had treated it well and it hardly showed any signs of wear or age. Steve couldn’t believe she still had it and was giving it to him.

“It was very sweet of you to let me have that. I know it hurt you too to lose him and to let me have that was one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me,” said Cecilia. Steve felt tears stinging his eyes and he blinked them away.

“Well you were his sweetheart and he would have come back to haunt me if I had disrespected you,” said Steve.

“He would have made a wonderful father,” said Cecilia looking out the window and Steve could see she was trying to keep it together too. _You never get over your first love no matter how old you are,_ thought Steve.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Present day

 

Alison watched Bucky’s reaction to the story and a few times he looked uncertain or would interrupt Steve to correct a point, but for the most part he looked happy to be hearing this story. _You were a sweet guy under that swagger,_ thought Alison. She wondered how good he would have been with children of his own and felt another flare of hate for the people who had hurt him and taken his life away.

“I have the hat if you want it back,” said Steve.

“I would like to see it,” said Bucky and he looked at the floor. “Is she still alive?”

“Living in D.C with her daughter. She goes once a month to the Smithsonian and gives a talk about the war,” said Steve.

“I must have missed her. Then again if she had seen me I might have given her a heart attack. I was supposed to be dead after all,” said Bucky. He looked at Alison and the guitar she had sat down. “Do you know how to play that song?”

“No, I’m sorry I don’t. I know the English lyrics though,” said Alison.

“Can I hear it?” asked Bucky. Alison took a sip of cold tea to clear her throat before singing.“Hold me close and hold me fast. The magic spell you cast. This is la vie en rose. When you kiss me, heaven sighs. And though I close my eyes. I see la vie en rose. When you press me to your heart. I'm in a world apart. A world where roses bloom. And when you speak, angels sing from above. Everyday words seem to turn into love songs. Give your heart and soul to me and life will always be...La vie en rose.”

“The song still has French in it?” asked Bucky.

“Life through rose colored glasses is the meaning if I remember it right,” said Alison. Bucky gave a sad little smile.

“I imagine life was rose colored for her before the war,” said Bucky.

“I don’t think it lost all its rose color for her,” said Steve. Bucky got up and looked out the window.

“She was a sweet kid. I’m glad she had nice life,” said Bucky. Alison put the guitar away and Steve put a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“She put together your display at the museum no one else was allowed to touch it,” said Steve. Bucky’s shoulders sagged and she could tell he was trying to keep it together.

“It was the cookies you know. She fell for me because I gave her sweets,” said Bucky. Alison had to disagree, but she kept it to herself for now. _She fell for you because you were nice to her. You were a good man and she knew it. Hopefully someday you’ll remember him clearly._  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlike Marvel I will acknowledge a small time-line error. I knew La Vie En Rose came out in the 40’s, but I thought it was 44. Turns out Edith Piaf did not write the song until 45 and it became popular in 46-47. However it just seemed fitting and I blame How I Met Your Mother for getting it stuck in my head.


	12. Musical ADD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a link to a playlist of all the music or trailers mentioned so far. Please let me know if it doesn't work. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLokb0nvvwsIDPOrx-RaIPYUyLEEGWr_lt
> 
>  
> 
> In my head-Steve goes into his room, locks the door and swears into a pillow. ^-^
> 
> The song list will be at the end.

“So you keep all your music on this?” asked Bucky and he eyed the small device in her hand. They were sitting on the mini jet getting ready for take off when she pulled out the little device, a small speaker and asked if he wanted to listen to some music. She told him it was an Ipod and he vaguely remembered some of the handlers or medical staff walking around with these and ignoring him while they worked. _I was just a tool to them so why pay attention to me,_ thought Bucky.

“Well not all of it. I still have cd’s and music on my computer. I also have different music on my phone than what is on the Ipod. I really haven’t used this that much since I got my smartphone a few months ago. But I thought since you asked about new music we could listen to the music on this,” said Alison.

He was curious about how music had changed in the last seventy some years. He used to love music. _At least I’m pretty sure I loved music,_ thought Bucky. Steve told him they would sit around the radio in the winter for hours just listening to radio shows and music. He could remember the year his mother had got the record player and two records that came with it and that he had been happy about it..

“Sometimes I think the techs would sing while they fixed my arm,” said Bucky studying the device.

“Do you remember any words or any of the tunes?” asked Alison.

“No,” said Bucky and he gave her the player back. Steve came to sit with them since Sam would be flying the jet.

“We could make it a game. You listen to a song for a minute and if you don’t like it we can skip to the next song,” suggested Alison. Steve wondered if this was something she had thought up to give Bucky some control while introducing him to new things. He still seemed uneasy at making choices of his own. Steve had decided to take Bucky out of for breakfast and Bucky stared at the menu for fifteen minutes before telling Steve he couldn’t pick what he wanted and to order for him. _There was too much to choose from,_ thought Steve after they left and he mentally kicked himself.

Bucky had been nervous about going back to Stark Tower this morning, even though they wouldn’t be there for long. He wasn’t ready to face Tony yet. The memories of killing Howard and Maria combined with the recent attack on Tony had him a little more than anxious to be near the younger Stark. However Tony decided to take his own mini vacation to parts unknown and wasn’t at the Tower right now.

“What if you like it?” asked Bucky.

“I like all the music on here since it’s my player. This is for you. When we figure out what new music you like we’ll get you your own player,” explained Alison.

“What sort of music is on here?” asked Bucky.

“I think I have a little bit of everything. We’ll just have to listen and find out,” said Alison.

“Let’s give it a listen then,” said Bucky. Alison set the speaker up and started up the Ipod has they were taking off.

“I’m going to hit shuffle so the songs play at random,” said Alison. She hit play and the music started.

We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll.

We build this city, we built this city on rock and roll.

 

Bucky’s face when the song really got going was torn between annoyance and confusion.

“This sounds terrible. You like this?” he asked Alison.

“I like the beat,” said Alison.

“Please make this go away,” said Bucky shaking his head. _Please don’t let all the music be that terrible,_ thought Bucky as Alison hit the forward button and the song started with a solo violin and a woman singing softly

 

She wore blue velvet

Bluer than velvet was the night

Softer than satin was the light

From the stars

 

“This isn’t too bad,” said Bucky. It had a nice beat to it and he could see this has something he could have danced too when he did go dancing.

“The artist is Lana Del Rey. The song is called Blue Velvet,” said Alison. It wasn’t a very long song much to his disappointment. The next song started and once again Bucky couldn’t understand how she liked this song. The man singing sounded whiny and he couldn’t see how you could dance it to it.

 

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain

I like watchin’ the puddles gather rain

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two

And speak my point of view, but it’s not sane, it’s not sane

 

“How do you dance to this?” asked Bucky. Alison paused the song so they could talk.

“Well you really don’t dance to this song. I mean you can sort of sway in place or jump around a little. This is from the 1990’s and it was from a genre called Alternative Rock and you really didn’t dance too it. It was more you sat around and listened to it,” said Alison and he shook his head.

“I almost feel sorry for you,” said Bucky

“It’s not her fault. She was pre teen white girl in the 90’s and they didn’t have a lot choices,” called Sam from the front. Alison rolled her eyes and looked to where Sam was sitting.

“Yeah you can just be quiet about musical selections in the 90’s,” said Alison. She hit the next button and the song started with a guitar solo before a man started singing.

 

When the lights go down in the city,

And the sun shines on the bay

Ohh I want to be there in my city

Oh oo oh, oh oh….

 

“Oh this is Journey,” said Steve a little excited and he ducked his head a little. “I kind of like Journey. It’s Barton’s fault,” said Steve when Sam looked back at him.

“This isn’t bad and you could sort of slow dance to this,” said Bucky.

“Journey was really popular in the 80’s and they sort of had a huge comeback with people a few years younger than me because of a T.V show called Glee,” said Alison.

“I think I like them. At least I like this song,” said Bucky. _It’s different in a good way._

“If you have any questions for me about the music we can pause the song and you can ask,” said Alison. He nodded and Journey faded out and the next song was loud and upbeat.

 

Come on baby, let's do the twist

Take me by my little hand and go like this

Eh ah twist baby, baby twist

Ooh yeah just like this

Come on little miss and do the twist

 

“This isn’t bad. The Twist...is that a dance?” asked Bucky. This seemed like something you could dance to. _The jive...I used to dance...Charleston. It was fast. Steve always had trouble keeping up._

“In the 50’s and 60’s it was very popular,” said Alison snapping him back to now.

“How do you do it?” asked Bucky. Alison got up and restarted the song.

“Like this,” said Alison and only the lower half of her body moved as she swiveled her hips side to side and sometimes adding a little bounce or hop in.

“How do you dance with someone doing that?” asked Bucky. He couldn’t see how you could hold your partner while they wiggled like that.

“They stand opposite of you or next to you and they Twist too,” said Alison getting back in her seat and pausing the player. “It was actually considered sort of dirty dancing back in the day even though no touching happened because of all the hip stuff.”

“That’s stupid,” said Bucky and Steve nearly choked trying not to laughing. He could see Alison was also a bit amused and nodded in agreement.

“Well in the 50’s and 60’s there was a huge to do about a lot of stupid stuff.  We’ll get into it later though,” said Alison hit play and a man started talking.

“Another story I heard about myself happened in high school. We had a kid who went to our high school and his dad was a teacher at our school. His name was Mr. Maccara and he was an asshole!”

“Oh Ally I forgot to tell you Steve doesn’t like bad language,” called Sam from the front and Steve looked so annoyed that Bucky had to smile a little

“Maybe we should skip this then,” said Alison and she went to hit the next button when Bucky pulled the player away.

“I want to hear it now,” said Bucky and Steve sighed.

“Fine,” said Steve.

The man went on to tell a story about how the teacher and his wife left town and the kid had a party and everyone started trashing the house and drinking. _Wow that guy must have been been a real asshole,_ thought Bucky as the man described how the kids trashed the house.

“And I hear someone say ‘something, something. police and in a brilliant moment of word association I yell ‘Fuck Da Police! Fuck Da Police! Fuck Da Police!’ and everyone joined in!” Alison looked mortified. Sam was laughing and Steve leaned over and paused the player.

“What?” asked Steve confused.

“That’s from a song by a rap group called NWA. They came from a really bad neighborhood and the police were really bad and corrupt and yeah it’s a song,” Alison was turning pink and Bucky started laughing. Steve turned and stared at his friend in shock. He hadn’t heard Bucky laugh in ages.

“I don’t know what is funnier-The guy telling the story, your reaction to a bad word or her trying to explain to us why the word was used,” said Bucky.

“Well the story gets better,” said Alison who was barely holding her laughter back. Steve rolled his eyes and un-paused the player.

“The reason someone had said ‘something, something, police.’ Was because the police were there. So a Chicago police officer came downstairs and looks out on a sea of drunken toddlers yelling ‘Fuck Da Police’ in his face. And he was almost impressed.” said the man.

He went on to say he didn’t know how he got away from the police. The next week the kid who threw the party came up to him and told him photos of his grandmother had been stolen during the party. The storyteller wasn’t sure if he had done it until someone else came forward and showed him a room that had nothing, but stolen photos from parties.

“It’s the one thing you can’t replace. That’s the end of the story, but how fucked up is that?” asked the man.

“I forgot I put that on there. I needed a laugh at work and one of the orderlies suggested him. His name is John Mulaney,” said Alison.

 

No sleep till….Brooklyn!

 

Foot on the pedal

Never ever false metal

Engine running hotter than a boiling kettle

My job ain't a job

It's a damn good time

City to city I'm running my rhymes.

On location

Touring around the nation

Beastie Boys always on vacation

 

“What is this?” asked Bucky and Alison grinned.

“They’re called the Beastie Boys,” said Alison and she was sort bobbing her head to the song.

“I can’t take this,” said Bucky and he hit the next button.

 

I get up in the evening

And I ain't got nothing to say

I come home in the morning

I go to bed feeling the same way

I ain't nothing but tired

Man I'm just tired and bored with myself

Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

 

“This isn’t bad,” said Bucky. He didn’t think you could dance to it, but compared to what he had just heard this was enjoyable. Steve was about to tease Bucky for liking The Boss from New Jersey when he saw that Bucky looked happy and was sort of bobbing his head to the beat.

 

I never can say goodbye, no, no, no, no, now

Never can say goodbye

 

Even though the pain and heartache

Seem to follow me wherever I go

Though I try and try to hide my feelings

They always seem to show,

Then you try to say you're leaving me

And I always have to say no

Tell me why is it so

That I never can say goodbye, no, no, no, no, now

Never can say goodbye

 

“This isn’t bad either. Kind of sad,” said Bucky as the song went on.

“Who sings this?” asked Steve.

“The Jackson Five,” said Alison and Steve looked like he was puzzling something out.

“Wait. Michael Jackson. He was in Jackson Five,” said Steve almost proudly.

“He was just a little kid when he did this,” said Alison. It dawned on her that even though Steve had been out for a few years he still might be catching up on everything that happened while he was in the ice. It still threw her a little bit to think of everything they missed out on in the last seventy some years.

“He was on my list,” admitted Steve.

“List?” asked Bucky pausing the song. Steve pulled out a small notebook and handed it to Bucky and Alison.

“All the stuff I was told I need to catch up on,” said Steve. Alison started going through it and was a little more than floored.

“Berlin Wall, Moon landing, Roe V Wade. What did SHEILD tell you when you woke up?” asked Alison.

“Not a whole lot really. That the war was over. We won and I had been dead for seventy years,” said Steve.

“They didn’t sit you down and give like a overview of anything?” asked Alison.

“They showed me how to use the internet and that was really helpful,” said Steve. “I was able to cross some of the stuff off my list from when you were explaining things to Bucky,” She did see Moon Landing and Kennedy presidency had been cross off.  

“Maybe you two can sit down and do some of these things together,” said Alison. It might be good for them. Help them patch things up in way after being apart for so long.

“Would you be okay with that?” asked Alison looking at Bucky who was staring at Steve’s notebook.

“Did we really miss all of this?” asked Bucky flipping through the almost filled notebook.

“Yeah. We did,” said Steve softy and Alison felt for both of them. She thought waking up from a six week coma was bad, these two had miss a whole lifetime and all they really had was each other. When you add in the fact that one of them only had memory bits to go on it made the whole thing even more depressing. She could see it in Bucky’s face, the building rage about his situation and she spoke up

“I know I could tell you everything or show you everything in this book and it won’t make up for what happened to you. But you aren’t alone in this now. Steve and I are going to be with you every step of the way. You aren’t going to be alone now I promise,” said Alison. Bucky hung his head so his hair covered part of his face.

“I’m used to being alone. It’s having both you behind me that’s weird. I know it shouldn’t be weird, but it is,” said Bucky.

“That isn’t your fault and you’re stuck with us no matter how weird it gets,” said Steve. Bucky nodded and he looked Alison in the eyes.

“Can we keep listening to the music?” Bucky asked.

“Yes we can,” she turned the player back on.

 

Well I heard about the fellow you’ve been dancin’ with

All over the neighbourhood

So why didn’t ask me baby?

Didn’t you think I could?

 

Well I know that the boogaloo is out of outta sight

But the shing-a-ling’s the thing tonight

Would it happen to me and ya baby?

I wanna show you how to do it right...

 

Sam whirled around in his chair and grinned at Alison whose face also had the biggest smile.

“Do you still have your suit?” he asked.

“I have the hat and sunglasses somewhere,” said Alison

“Why did you need a suit?” asked Bucky. He liked this song and it clearly meant something to Sam and Alison based on their reactions.

“The song is from our favorite movie- The Blues Brothers. One year for a Halloween party a whole group of us dressed up like them. Black suits, sunglasses and hats,” said Alison.

“We looked awesome,” said Sam. “We all even went to Chicago the summer before I went to boot camp and we took a tour of all the places they filmed the movie at.”

“Is Blues Brothers on your list?” asked Alison.

“I’ll add it,” said Steve taking his notebook back.

“They do the Twist in this one too,” said Bucky listening to the lyrics.

“All those dances he sings about are forms of the Twist so everyone could do it” explained Alison. They kept listening to music and anytime he said he liked something Alison would take time to answer any questions he had. The stuff from the 50’s was pretty good. He didn’t care for most of her 90’s rock, but the music from the 70’s and 80’s was alright. Even Steve seemed to find new music he wanted to add to his list.

“We’re going to be landing soon,” said Sam.

“Do you want keep listening while I go on my tour?” asked Alison. She was supposed to go with someone named Hill to take a tour of the facilities and meet with the other nurses about the med center.

“Could I?” asked Bucky. She showed him how to use the player and the little speaker.

“Write down any songs you do like or any questions you have about the music okay,” said Alison.

“I will,” said Bucky. She squeezed his right hand and he found he didn’t mind her doing that anymore. _It’s for comfort and it works,_ thought Bucky. They landed the jet and headed inside. A tall, dark haired woman in a serious black dress and heels was waiting for them.

“Alison. Bucky. This is Maria Hill,” said Steve. She nodded at both of them and she seemed nice enough despite her serious look.

“Welcome back. I’m glad to finally meet the both of you,” said Maria. “Their rooms are ready if you want to show him around while we do all the boring stuff,” said Maria.

“Thanks,” said Steve. Steve grabbed the small bag Bucky did have and motioned for him to follow.

“See you in a bit,” said Alison. Maria took Alison down another hallway while Steve took him upstairs.

“So this is home now,” said Bucky looking around. It was all glass and chrome, but he could hear a drill going on outside and it reminded him of Basic.

“Yeah it is,” said Steve sounding a little relieved.

“The room might be a little bigger than what you’re used too,” said Sam. Steve and Sam took Bucky to the top floor and showed him to his room. It was bigger than his room in the old apartment, Hell this room was about the size of his room and the living room/kitchen area of the old apartment. It had already made bed, a dresser that someone had put a few clothes in already, an empty bookcase and his own desk and chair. There was a small TV on the desk and a player for movies and what looked like a small laptop too.

“I’m still trying to find you a record player,” said Steve. “But everyone else has their own TV and laptop in their room in case the common room TV is in use for a group thing,” Bucky was just trying to take it all in.

“Alison’s room is through here,” said Sam opening the adjoining door. Bucky poked his head in and saw that Alison’s room had the same layout as his, but her boxes were here already and piled up in corner.

“I’m going to start unpacking her books,” said Sam leaving him and Steve alone.

“So do you like it?” asked Steve watching him look around.

“Yeah,” said Bucky. There was a little walkout balcony and Bucky stepped outside. “I didn’t realize how much I missed fresh air. Just being outside.” He came back in and Steve was sitting in the chair watching him.

“So do we want to see what else she has on this?” asked Steve holding up the player.

“Yeah,” said Bucky. _This is home now,_ thought Bucky.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

“So I’m going to assume it’s not cool to leave a trail of breadcrumbs,” said Alison following Maria to the next floor. About seventy people lived here full time according to Maria. You had people like Steve, Sam and Natasha who did the big world saving stuff. They were training about twenty new recruits as backup or to handle smaller missions. They had several scientists in the building studying and creating new forms of tech or medicine without worrying about funding. Than you had the med teams. Sometimes a med team would go with the heroes just in case. Sometimes a med team would go for a relief mission to areas where a natural disaster happened You had staff here to treat everyday stuff from a common cold to injured trainees. They also had a surgical team on hand in case something really went down. Maria informed Alison that she was lucky number thirteen to join the upcoming med classes they were offering,

“Dugan likes to joke that the Avengers might be the body, but our scientists are the brains and you med people are the heart,” said Maria holding a door open for Alison when they started the tour.

Garage level was personal cars, bikes, company cars and other armored vehicles. Next level up was the entryway and where the office workers and tech support like Maria worked. The next three floors were for scientists and their various labs. The scientists half looked up from their work when Maria had walked her though. _Kids in a candy store,_ thought Alison taking it in.

“You’ll get used to it. This is the mess hall. Breakfast, lunch and dinner are all served here. If you don’t like the food selection we have a mini kitchen for you to make stuff in we just ask that you clean up when you’re finished,” said Maria. The mess hall was like every high school lunchroom Alison had ever seen. Several long tables were all over the place, various vending machines were on one wall, an empty salad bar in the center and TV’s mounted on the wall.

“Down here are the TV and Rec rooms,” said Maria. A group of ten looked up from the movie they were watching to give Alison the once over. “Alison-Everyone. Everyone-Alison. She’s going to be joining our med team program to become our new psych nurse.” Alison gave a little wave. One woman, a short blonde got up and shook Alison’s hand.

“Hi I’m Sharon. We’re sort of the C team when it comes to the superhero things,” said Sharon gesturing at the small group.

“Well I guess I’m sort of the C team when it comes to the medical staff here,” said Alison.

“It’s not all bad being on the C team. When you do something right it floors everyone,” said Sharon and Alison laughed. “I'll let you get back to the tour.” Sharon took her seat again and Maria showed her another room that had various gaming tables-pool, ping pong, air hockey, ect before showing her a music room like the one she had seen at Stark Tower.

“Anyone else play the drums?” asked Alison looking at beat up set.

“Barton does when he’s here, but I wouldn’t touch them. He gets weird if anyone touches them when he’s away,” said Maria. Alison had left her set behind, but wondered if she could get them sent up here. Sam hadn’t never mentioned a music room. However after Matt died she couldn’t bring herself to pick up a set of sticks and play. She missed it though and if she had any free time she wouldn’t mind trying to play again. _I want to meet  this Barton guy. If he likes Journey and plays the drums he might be awesome,_ thought Alison.

The next two levels were nothing but a huge gym areas. There was a weight room, a room for cardio, a boxing area, a blank area for whatever someone wanted to do and a pool. Alison really liked the look of the pool, it was longer than the one she had used at the YWCA and the lighting was much better.

“Dugan and the other nurses like to jog the outdoor track when the weather is good. I hope got good running shoes,” said Maria and Alison flushed a little.

“I can go for about two miles before my left knee starts yelling at me. I fractured it in two places a few years. I took up swimming instead,” said Alison.

“They have their share of walkers too. They just like to mess with the cadets,” said Maria. The next two floors were just meeting rooms, classrooms and storage for supplies so Maria took her the medical floor where Dugan and two other were waiting. One was a tall African American man with his head shaved and wearing thick glasses. The other was a short white woman that had pink streaks going through her blonde hair and she was rocking on her heels.

“Welcome back,” said Dugan shaking Alison’s hand.

“It’s nice to be back,” said Alison.

“This is Shawn Calhoun,” said Dugan pointing at the tall black man who gave a wave. “And this is Jenny Castine.” The blonde waved. “You three are going to be study buddies and a mini team once classes get started,” explained Dugan.

“You’re the sort of psych nurse?” asked Jenny still rocking on her heels. She couldn’t seem to stand still.

“I think I have a year and half to finish,” said Alison.

“I’m trying to finish up my APN,” said Jenny and she motioned at Shawn. “He decided he was too good to be a lowly nurse so he’s going to be to on the doctor's track after he gets his basics finished.” Shawn rolled his eyes.

“I’m going to try to maintain my nurse skills while getting the doctor title,” said Shawn and his Aussie accent was charming.

“So you’re taking care of the Bucky Barnes,” said Jenny sounding a little nervous and Alison sighed. Bucky had told her how some of the techs had acted around him after the mishap and Alison wanted to nip that in the bud real quick. He wouldn’t get better if everyone flinched around him.

"Yes I am. And he’s really a very nice man and he’s just had a rough couple of decades. So just act normal around him and he’ll be fine,” said Alison.

“You’re the shrink here so we’ll take your word for it,” said Shawn. Dugan sent them off and he looked at Alison.

“They mean well and I think you guys are going to get along just fine,” said Dugan.

“And putting us together had nothing to do with our last names,” teased Alison.

“Not a thing,” said Dugan smiling. He and Maria gave her a tour of the med center and it was even more impressive than the one at Stark Tower.

“Recovery rooms, x-ray, supply closet, you worked in an E.R you know how things work,” said Dugan with a shrug.

“I should by now,” said Alison/

“We set up a room for you to treat Barnes in. I imagine after you pass your exams you’ll see other people in here too,” said Maria. She opened the door and it was a living room like setting. The carpet was a soft cream color and the walls were painted light blue. The sofa and chairs looked plush and a desk was off in the corner.

“All the furniture is tripled bolted down just in case,” said Maria.

“That might slow him down a bit,” said Alison. Bucky hadn’t had a violent outburst in several days, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t have one again.

“We tend to take our days off on Wednesdays and Sundays,” said Dugan. “Some of us like to go into the city or we just hid in our rooms for the day. Everyone but Jennifer and Shawn left for today so I’ll introduce to everyone tomorrow morning at breakfast. Steve told me you go see your family on Sunday,” said Dugan.

“My grandfather,” said Alison.

“How did he take it about you getting this job?” asked Dugan.

“Okay for the most part. I told him this was a private family gig out of the city so it wasn’t too much of a lie,” said Alison. Actually he had been annoyed at first about her taking a job three hours out of the city and since he had been having a good day he was able to lay the guilt on thick. She had to remind him today about her moving and he took it a little better. He wasn’t jumping for joy, but at least he wasn’t playing the ‘I’m so old anything could happen’ card on her.

“Well I think this was your last stop. Enjoy the rest of your day and we’ll see you around,” said Dugan. He went to go take a break and Maria took her to the top floor where her room was.

“So dinner is at six most nights, but on Sunday everyone just comes and goes so dinner is whatever you want to make in the kitchen. If you have any questions don’t be afraid to ask. My office door is always open. Anytime I try to close it something else happens so I stopped closing it,” said Maria with a small grin.

“I’m sure I’ll think of something between now and tomorrow morning. Thanks for the tour,” said Alison.

“Well welcome to the team,” said Maria opening the door for Alison before heading back to her office and Alison went in the bedroom. Sam was already putting books away for her.

“So what did you think?” asked Sam and Alison shook her head.

“Everything here seems very top shelf,” said Alison.

“It’s a little overwhelming, but you’ll do fine,” said Sam. She took a box and started putting things away when there was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” called Alison and Steve walked in and shook his head.

“Could you explain Ke$ha to Bucky? The dollar sign is throwing him off,” said Steve and Sam gave her a look.

“Oh we need to talk about your musical ADD,” said Sam and Alison rolled her eyes.

“Didn’t your mama stick a bar of soap in your mouth when she heard you singing Straight outta Compton?” asked Alison going next door to Bucky’s room and he looked confused while listening to Die Young.

“She has a dollar sign in her name,” said Bucky. Alison sat down with him and paused the player.

“Well it’s a stage thing. Her name is pronounced Kesha. Do you like her though?” asked Alison.

“It’s not bad,” said Bucky. “How was the tour?”

“It reminded me of college a little bit. The rooms are much nice though. The private showers are nice. Sometimes the dorm bathrooms could be dirty and there was never enough hot water,” said Alison.

“That was always one of the best parts of heading back to London was the hot water,” said Bucky.

“Well it seems like we’re going to have all the hot water we could ever ask for,” said Alison. Bucky nodded and Alison could sense something was on his mind.

“What’s going on up there?” asked Alison.

“Not sure really. I know I’m safe here and this is home now and I still feel weird. Does that make sense?” asked Bucky.

“Well you haven’t been home or safe in a very long time and this is all still very new to you. You’ve only been with us for about a week and it’s been a very crazy week for both of us,” said Alison and Bucky gave a dry laugh. “We both have to get use to being here.”

“Just one more thing we get to do together huh,” said Bucky.

“Could be worse,” said Alison and Bucky gave another dry laugh. Steve watched them from the doorway and he shook his head. It was a complete 180 on Bucky’s part and his treatment of Alison. He still seemed a bit uncertain around her, but at least they were talking and he wasn’t threatening her or telling her to shut up. _All he had to do was nearly kill her before realizing she was here to help him,_ thought Steve.

….……………………………………………………………………………………………

Bucky kept listening to music while Alison unpacked. Sam and Steve went to go make them dinner and bring it back.

 

Boy you got my heartbeat runnin’ away

Beating like a drum and it’s coming your way

Can’t you hear that boom, badoom, boom, badoom, boom, bass?

You got the super bass.

 

“Is she singing or talking?” asked Bucky.

“It’s a little bit of both,” said Alison hanging up her clothes, Sam and Steve came in with some pizza and Sam eyed the player.

“Please tell me you aren’t teaching him how twerk?” asked Sam and Alison glared at him.

“I haven’t had any tequila today. So no,” said Alison.

“Twerk?” asked Bucky and Steve looked puzzled.

“I think I heard about once. Something about a girl named Miley,” said Steve.

“It’s considered a dirty dance. You sort of squat down and thrust your hips a lot,” said Alison taking a piece of pizza.

“Or in Alison’s case a really drunk dance,” teased Sam.

“Tequila, Twerking. I spend the next day throwing up,” joked Alison.

“Do people dance normal anymore?” asked Bucky pausing the player.

“I haven’t been to the club recently,” said Sam. Alison looked thoughtful.

“Well yes and no. I mean some places still have dance nights with swing and waltzing. Sam and I used to go salsa dancing before he enlisted. You don't grind or twerk during at weddings, however most of the dance club scene is a lot of grinding. When Renee,Sofia and I went we always took Sam to serve as a bodyguard in case someone wouldn’t take no for an answer,” explained Alison.

“Matt didn’t go with you?” asked Bucky. _Who lets their girl go dancing alone?_ thought Bucky. Sam laughed and Alison looked amused.

“Matt had many good qualities, but he did not dance. He was sort of clutch and sway in a circle type of dancer,” said Alison.

“Well there was also his great slam dancing skills,” said Sam.

“You jump around and slam into the next person to you,” said Alison when she saw Bucky was confused. “So what did you think of modern music?” asked Alison.

“It’s not all bad. I don’t understand how you liked that 90’s whining stuff,”said Bucky and Alison grinned.

“There was a lot of good drum work in all that whining,” said Alison. “My grandfather taught me drums and we played a lot of jazz together, but once I started playing with different bands that whiny stuff was what they wanted to play at shows. And it was fun to learn a different style of drumming,” said Alison. She grabbed the player and started scrolling through songs.

“These guys had good drum work and were easy to learn from when I started playing rock. This one of their less whining songs” said Alison. She hit play and Bucky had to agree it wasn’t so whiny and he focused on the drum parts. It sounded simple compared to the jazz groups he had listened too.

 

It’s just the thought of you

In love with someone else

It breaks my heart to see you

Hangin from the shelf

 

Oh girl, when I’m in love with you

Keep fishin if you feel it’s true

There’s nothin’ much that we can do

To save you from yourself

 

“After I got the hang of the different style I got to do stuff like this,” said Alison. She found the song she was looking for an hit play. The drum solo at the beginning was impressive and Bucky found himself wondering what it looked like live.

 

T-T-Teacher stop the screaming, teacher don’t you see?

Don’t wanna be no uptown fool.

Maybe I should go to hell, but I’m doin’ well, teacher needs to see me after school.

 

I think of all the education that I missed

But then my homework was never quite like this.

Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad

I’m hot for teacher.

 

“Everyone wants to date the guitar players or the lead singer, but drummers make everything sound awesome,” said Alison with a small hint of pride as the song finished and she turned the player off.

“Keep telling yourself that,” said Sam and Alison gave him a playful shove.

“I like it,” said Bucky. _Maybe playing catch up won’t be so bad after all,_ thought Bucky.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starship-We built this city  
> Lana Del Rey-Blue Velvet  
> Blind Melon- No Rain  
> Journey-Lights  
> Chubby Checker-The Twist  
> John Mulaney-The One Thing You Can't Replace  
> The Beastie Boys-No Sleep till Brooklyn  
> Bruce Springsteen- Dancing in the Dark  
> Jackson 5-Never can say goodbye  
> The Blues Brothers w/Ray Charles-Shake your Tail Feather  
> Ke$ha-Die Young  
> Nicki Minaj-Super Bass  
> Weezer-Keep Fishin'  
> Van Halen-Hot for Teacher


	13. The Rubicon

Alison looked outside and felt a hint of pity for the cadets running in the rain. She put on a grey sweater and blue jeans before pulling her hair back in ponytail and putting on a little bit of make-up. When she finished getting ready she slipped the panic button for Bucky’s arm in her pocket and she knocked on Bucky’s door.

“Come in,” he said and Alison entered. He was sitting on his bed wearing blue jeans and a long sleeved black shirt. He had tucked her dog tags into the front of the shirt, but she could make out the outline of them. He had nicked himself shaving and his hair was still a little damp from the shower.

“Are you ready?” asked Alison.

“As ready as I’m going to be,” said Bucky standing up.

“If it does get to be too much for you, tell me and we’ll go somewhere else alright,” said Alison.

“Okay,” said Bucky. They headed down to the breakfast together and she could tell he was a little more than nervous about this. Considering how he had been under lock and key his first time here because of the accident at the Tower he was on guard and worried about how people were going to treat him.

“It’s a lot like the first day of school,” said Alison and Bucky raised an eyebrow. “We’re both new here; we want to fit in and try to not look like a total dorks.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m beyond fitting in at this point,” said Bucky.

“I know things started out on a down note the first time you were here, but they were scared and didn’t know you. Let them get to know you,” said Alison. They entered the mess hall and all the TV’s were turned on to different morning shows and were on at full blast. People were wide awake and adding to the din of the room. It was about half full of support staff, scientists and a few of the med staff. David spotted her and gave a wave and Alison returned it.

“I can’t,” said Bucky and Alison looked up at him. His face was a little pale, both his hands were clenched into fists and he looked ready to run. He had a run of good days and had clearly peaked on Saturday. Steve had pulled her aside yesterday before she got on the jet to let her know that Bucky had been nervous about returning to Stark Tower and had seemed annoyed and anxious when they had gone out to breakfast and that he froze when faced with ordering his own food. _Everyone has a bad day and this is a lot to take in,_ thought Alison.

“Alright. We’ll head back upstairs to my office. Just take a deep breath first. Take two more. That’s it,” said Alison. His right hand reached out and grabbed her wrist hard, but his face didn’t look so pale. “Come on upstairs,” said Alison and they headed back up. Has they got further away from the all the noise his coloring went back to normal and his grip eased up on her wrist.

“That was really stupid,” muttered Bucky as they went into the office. He let go of her wrist and sat down in a chair. Alison took a seat on the coffee table in front of him so they were face to face. “It..it was just really loud and...I don’t know,” said Bucky.

“It was a lot to take in right now. We all have good days and bad days. You did have a couple of really good days and you need to keep those in mind,” said Alison.

“What’s a bad day like for you for you?” asked Bucky looking at the floor.

“Sometimes it’s really hard to get out of bed. I just wanna sleep all day so I don’t have to think about why I’m sad or stressed out. A couple of times I just cried for hours on end. I had times where I didn’t want to eat and when I did eat I would just throw up. The important thing is I don’t have so many bad days now and I know how to deal with them,” said Alison.

“When was your last bad day?” asked Bucky. He was looking at her with such intensity it made her want to step back, but he needed someone to walk him through this right now.

“It was a few weeks before Matt’s birthday. He would have been thirty and it just sort of it hit me out of nowhere that he wasn’t going to turn thirty and I cried for a good two hours. I let myself have those two hours and then I went for a very long walk and told myself it was alright to miss him and that I was allowed to have a bad day and that I was going to try again tomorrow,” said Alison.

“And it works?” asked Bucky sounding a little more than skeptical.

“It worked for me in that moment. I have to remind myself from time to time...and it used to be really hard to tell myself this... that while what happened changed my life I needed to not let it become the focal point of everything else in my life. That I still could have a life. It was going to be different, but I still could have a life and I was the defining factor at the end of the day,” said Alison.

His gaze was less intense, but he was still looking at her with those dark blue eyes like she had an answer to his problems. _I hope I do,_ thought Alison.

“Is that what they told you do at the nuthouse?” asked Bucky. She was going to have to cross a line into the very personal to explain how she had gotten better. _It’s not going to the best answer, but it’s sort of an answer,_ thought Alison

“That was one of the things they told me to do. They told me I had an anxiety disorder-which looking back on my life that helped a lot things make sense. I was depressed and had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-or PTSD from watching an alien invasion up close, losing my fiancée and almost dying because of it. They helped me figure out why I was anxious and how to deal with that. They put me on medication to help balance me out so I wouldn’t feel so anxious or depressed all the time. It took a lot of time and a lot of trial and error until things were right for me again.” Alison took a deep breath before going on.

“From what I’ve seen last week and what I read in Hydra’s files about what happened to you. You also have a case of PTSD and yours was brought on by years of torture-both mental and physical in nature. They took away who you were and everything that went with it. You’re starting to have pieces of yourself come back, but you need help making sense of them because they have been gone for such a long time. You also need help facing what happened to you and you need a plan on how to deal with what happened. I want you to know that whatever is said in here stays between us. I will never tell anyone what you say to me unless you talk about hurting yourself or plans for hurting someone else. I can’t let you hurt yourself or someone else and not try to stop it. I know they made you do terrible things and I can only begin to imagine the terrible things they did to you, but no matter what you say I will listen to you and I’m not going to judge you. We can talk about anything you want to talk about and we’ll talk for as long as you want to talk about it. This is going to take time and we’ll take as long as you want until things are right for you again.” said Alison.

The intense look in his eyes was replaced by something softer and sadder. His hands found her hands and gripped them. The metal hand was cool on skin and she was still a little stunned at how light it felt and how the fingers intertwined with hers. At first glance you wouldn’t expect it to have so much movement. She hated to admit to herself she was impressed with their work. His right hand was so hot and somehow its grip was tighter on her than the metal hand. She wondered if he was aware of the difference in his grip and was actively controlling the pressure in his hands so he didn’t hurt her. She stayed still, didn’t say anything while watching him decide what move he wanted to make.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Bucky could hear the rain outside pick up more force; he could hear the faint whirring sound of his left arm and the sound of their breathing. She was looking at him, her green eyes held so much patience he wondered how she came by it. Did it come naturally or did she have to learn it? His mother had been the one to teach him patience, to think before acting, to wait for a moment for making a move. _Just take one second to think before jumping. Just look for moment to be sure it’s right._ The Army had fine-tuned the skill. One does not become a good sniper by shooting at everything that moves. You have to wait, sense out the target, go at the right second or it’s gone. He liked the demand of learning how to take patience to a new level. Hydra had perfected the skill in the Soldier. He could sit for days waiting for a target, not be bothered by the elements, or the talking from his handlers. The only thing that mattered was that second when he pulled the trigger.

The way Alison was watching him though she might have been a helluva of snipper if someone had taught her. She hadn’t a moved a muscle since he had taken her hands in his. She had slowed her breathing and her eyes just held that look of waiting, she could wait all day and not feel it. She made her move and now it was his turn. She told him before she wasn’t supposed to share her personal life with him and he asked how could he trust her if he didn’t know her. She was letting him know her in a way other people might not know her. She was trying to help him across a divide that seemed uncrossable right now. _The Rubicon, the point of no return. I have to make my move. She has to know the truth. I owe her that,_ thought Bucky.

“I can tell you anything?” asked Bucky.

“Yes,” said Alison. The look of waiting was still in her eyes and he swallowed a lump in his throat. _Please don’t hate me. Don’t walk away,_ thought Bucky.

“I thought about hurting you a lot last week….there was a part of me that liked hurting you a little,” said Bucky. Alison sighed and she squeezed his hands. He could sense her in his left hand and he did have to remind himself to be careful when holding her hand in his left. He could hurt her if he wasn’t careful and he had hurt her enough. The marks had that sickly yellow color to them and she was hiding them with make up today.

“I figured you might have violent thoughts and that they might be directed towards me. You didn’t know me at the time so taking them out on me might be easier than hurting Steve who you have a lot of history with. Plus I’m an easy target and wouldn’t be able to hurt you back. You haven’t been allowed to have any emotions in a long time and being angry is very easy and the most basic feeling anyone can have. You wanted someone to feel hurt like you have and that’s where the enjoyment came in. The enjoyment didn’t last very long,” said Alison.

“No,” admitted Bucky and Alison nodded.

“The soldier part of you isn’t all you are, but he does have a strong hold on you. I think he’s what kept you alive for this long. Since he’s not truly needed now and you’ve been remembering who you used to be its like two very different people trying to live in one person. You have to learn to live with both parts of yourself now,” said Alison.

“I sometimes hate both parts of myself,” muttered Bucky. He sometimes hated the Soldier. Hated his heartlessness, his ruthlessness, and how little he cared for life and for others. The Soldier hated Bucky. Hated the weakness, the memories of home and family he carried with him, and his need for others.

“You might hate yourself for a while and it’s not going to be easy to reconcile those two very different parts of yourself,” said Alison.

“Is any of this going to easy?” asked Bucky.

“Not at first. You might have days where this is the last place you want to be or you don’t want to talk to me. You might even have days when you hate me again. We’re going to get through them together,” said Alison. The patience look was still in her eyes for him, she was still waiting for his next move.

“I don’t hate you right now,” said Bucky and she let out a small and nervous laugh.

“Well that’s a good thing,” said Alison.

“So how does this work? We just talk,” said Bucky.

“Yeah. It’s going to be a lot of talking. We’re going to work on trying to help you remember both parts of your life and how to deal with the memories. Right now they control you and your reactions to things. You have to learn how to react to them and in a non-violent way no matter how upsetting the memory is. They can only hurt you if you let them,” said Alison. She gently pulled her hands out of his and for a brief second he considered grabbing her and not letting go as she got up. _She’s warm and I like how it feels when I have her hands in mine. She’s safe._ She went over to a desk and muttered to herself.

“Do they still believe in paper and pens around here? Oh yes they do,” said Alison. She pulled three slim notebooks out of a desk drawer with two pens. She sat back down in front of him and handed him the two of the notebooks and a pen

“I know you probably hadn’t written anything down in ages, but this might help you more than you think. One notebook is for things you remember from before Hydra and one is for things you remember while you were with them. Anytime you remember something I want you write it down. We’ll sit down and talk about what it what it means, how you felt remembering it and what place it has in your life now,” said Alison. Bucky took them from her and held them in his lap.

“We’ll try to start with something easy today. How much do you remember about your parents?” asked Alison. She got up and took a seat on the sofa, creating a physical distance so he had room to think, in a manner of speaking. Bucky sat back in the chair and thought. _That’s supposed to be easy?_

“I remember my father was a mean drunk and I never wanted to be like him. He left when Becca was born. He never came back and they didn’t divorce and she couldn’t prove he was dead so she was stuck with him till she died. We were with her when she died...they said she had cancer. It didn’t take long, a few months. I prayed...I prayed so hard for her. I didn’t want her to go,” said Bucky. He could see her in his head and she had been so thin and pale and she always seemed cold to the touch.

“Do you have good memories of her?” asked Alison and he shrugged. “You said she taught you how to dance. What was she like?” asked Alison. He closed his eyes and he could see her how she had been before she got sick. Her dark brown hair pulled back into a braid and she had been wearing a plain green dress. She always had dark circles under her eyes no matter how much makeup she used to try and cover them He and Becca got their eyes from her... But after his father left she smiled more and seemed able to breathe easier. _It was hard and she had to work so many hours, but things were better without him. She made sure we had a home and at least two meals a day. She would skip meals so we had more to eat. I always told myself I would take care or her when I got old enough._

“She was my mother….she had a very nice smile. Her whole face would just light up when she smiled. She was a good cook. No matter what we had in the apartment she could make something edible out of it. She told me I was a good son. I don’t know what she would say about me now,” said Bucky.

“That you are a good son. That she loves you and misses you. You were her son and nothing can change that. She must have been a tough lady. It’s not easy to raise a family as a single parent now, so I can’t begin to imagine what it was like in the 1920’s and 1930’s,” said Alison.

“Steve’s mom got her a job doing laundry at the hospital. She also took in other’s people clothes for washing and mending.” _Now pay attention James, this might come in handy someday. Hold the needle like thi_ s _and make sure the thread is really in there._

“She was resourceful,” said Alison.

“She would leave the Becca with a neighbor lady or Steve’s mom if she had the morning off,” said Bucky. “We had a hard time getting aid...I got a job when I was ten to help. I helped sweep the floors at the corner shop. It had to be before school or after school. She wasn’t raising any stupid Irish men,” said Bucky and Alison gave a small smile.

“Go on,” said Alison. He couldn’t seem to stop talking once he started. It was like opening a door and everything fell out all at once. Even he was a little surprised how much he remembered about her. _You had to forget about her. They made you forget everything...it was still there. Just locked behind a door and I couldn’t find the key,_ thought Bucky.

“I missed her a lot during the war. When they captured the unit I thought I was going to see her again...until Steve showed up. I thought I was dreaming or dying when I saw him...stupid punk should have gone after Zola than. He should have left me behind,” said Bucky.

“He couldn’t have left you behind any more than you would have left him behind. Catching Zola didn’t matter to Steve, you did,” said Alison. Bucky could feel a hazy coming on and he closed his eyes.

“Bucky,” said Alison and her voice sounded far away.

_“What is your name?” asked Zola and Bucky spit in his face. Zola wiped it away and motioned to the guards to put him on the bed. He was strapped down and struggling with anything he had left in him._

_“You’ve been a very good worker here. One of the best. I think you might have gotten a cold though and well I can’t have you getting everyone else sick,” said Zola. Bucky almost laughed, he never got sick. His mother told him he was too stubborn to get sick._

_Zola went over to a fridge of some sort and pulled out a blue vial. Bucky watched as he attached the vial to a needle._

_“One of my former colleagues was working on a serum to improve a person’s physical strength and mental abilities. He actually succeeded twice to my knowledge. Maybe we can try for a third time,” said Zola. Bucky started struggling against his bonds and Zola motioned for the guards. One rolled up his sleeve and another forced him to be still. Zola came over and Bucky could feel his heart hammering in his chest. Zola found a vein in his arm and injected him with the blue liquid. He felt different and his heartbeat picked up. He was sweating like he had run for miles and everything seemed hazy._

_“What did you do to me?” asked Bucky panting._

_“We’re going to make you better,” said Zola._

“Bucky,” said Alison. He opened his eyes to see her looking at him worried and her hand was in pocket. “You still there?” asked Alison.

“It’s still me,” said Bucky and her hand eased out of her pocket. She must have that little zap button in there. He knew she only would have used it at the last second if she needed it. _It’s not in her to hurt someone, even if they strike first,_ thought Bucky.

“Do you want to write down what you remembered and we can talk about it later?” asked Alison. He grabbed the notebook and his hands were shaking a little as he wrote down what he remembered. It was odd seeing his handwriting and how different it looked from what he remembered it being.

“Let’s take a break and get some lunch,” said Alison looking at her phone.

“How long have we been talking?” asked Bucky suddenly feeling hungry.

“It’s a little after one,” said Alison getting up and stretching.

“I’ve been talking for five hours,” said Bucky more than stunned. It didn’t feel like hours had passed. He looked out the window and the rain had stopped, but it was still overcast.

“Well you had a lot to say. We’ll get lunch from the mini kitchen. It won’t be so crowded,” said Alison. They got up and walked through the med center and some people waved at them and Alison waved at a few of them.

“See it’s not so bad,” said Alison as the headed downstairs.

“Maybe,” said Bucky. As they got closer to the kitchen they could hear two people going back and forth at each other.

“I told you it needs cinnamon,” said a female voice with a strong Eastern European accent

“But the recipe doesn’t call for cinnamon,” said another voice and it sounded British and a little mechanical. Bucky gave her a look.

“It’s going to be alright,” said Alison giving his wrist a squeeze. They walked into the kitchen and both them were stunned. There was a girl who didn’t look to a be a day over twenty holding a mixer, a jar of cinnamon was floating near her hand and she was pointing the mixer at the oddest man either one of them had ever seen. He was tall,  had maroon skin and was wearing some sort of green suit and cape.

“Hello,” said the man and he held out his hand. “You must be James Barnes and Alison Conley. We were told about you two.”

“We...wait are you Vision?” asked Alison trying to remember what Sam had told her about the people here. She walked forward and shook the odd man’s hand.

“Sam told you about us?” asked the girl.

“Yeah. You must be Wanda,” said Alison offering her hand. The girl sat the mixer down and shook Alison’s hand awkwardly. Bucky stood there while Alison made them lunch and made small talk with the other people.

“Have you made brownies before?” asked Vision.

“Yeah,” said Alison.

“Do you add cinnamon to them?” asked Vision.

“My mother always put cinnamon in her brownies,” countered Wanda.

“I like to put a little applesauce in my brownies so they stay moist. I’ve never had them with cinnamon,” said Alison.  

“They’ll be good I promise. Why don’t you ever trust me when I bake?” asked Wanda.

“Because you make odd choices when baking. Like mint in chocolate,” said Vision.

“Mint is good,” said Bucky and Wanda nodded at him.

“See he has good taste,” said Wanda. Alison smiled and handed Bucky his plate.

“Would it be alright if we had one of those brownies when they’re finished?” asked Alison.

“I don’t see why not. It was nice to meet you,” said Vision and Wanda started dumping cinnamon in the brownie batter before he could say anything.

“You did really good back there,” said Alison.

“There was only two of them and well it’s nice to know I’m not the oddest thing in your life now,” said Bucky with a slight grin.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

            They talked until Steve got them for dinner. Alison went and sat with the medical people so she could meet them. Bucky sat with Steve, Sam, Natasha, and a man named Rhodes. Bucky mostly listened.  After dinner she went to go talk to the staff she hadn’t met yet and told him he was free to do whatever he wanted. Steve took him around Headquarters for a tour and outside so they could get some fresh air since the rain had stopped.

He had talked almost all day and his head hurt a little so after he finished his walk with  Steve he went to his room. Alison told him to try to write down two memories tonight. It could be one of each time in his life or they could both be from his time before Hydra or during his time with them. All that mattered was that he wrote down two of them tonight. Alison told him they would start again tomorrow morning and that would talk about the memories he wrote down.

He managed to get two small memories written down. One about him and Steve when they were in school together and one about taking Becca out for a movie when he finished Basic. Bucky sat the notebook aside and laid down in the bed. It felt odd being allowed to talk for so long and so freely.

Bucky tried to sleep and found he couldn’t and he stared up at the ceiling. It was that weird feeling again and he really wished it would stop. He had slept alone before while on the run, but it had been outside or on hard floors when he could find a place with a roof. The bed in the hospital had been his first in ages and it was sort a step above a floor. He hadn’t been alone though since Alison slept on a cot in the room. Even though he had a train of violent thoughts towards her during the day, at night he hated to admit even to himself  that he liked having her in the same room. She would wake up when he had nightmares to calm him down. A part of him of hated that a person who he didn’t know _Well did he really know anyone anymore?_ saw him at his lowest moments. On the other hand there was a very small part him liked how she would sit with him.

He could hear her open the door to balcony and he could hear the guitar playing. Bucky got up and opened his own balcony door to sit outside and listen to the music.

 

Layla, you’ve got me on my knees.

Layla, I’m begging, darling please.

Layla, darling won’t you ease my worried mind, sang Alison and she fumbled on the strings a few times before the song ended.

“So how many songs do you know?” asked Bucky leaning on the balcony wall. Alison looked over and smiled.

“About six in all. I have sheet music for more. I just have to sit down and work through it,” said Alison. “You did really well in the dining hall this evening. If you want we can try for breakfast in their tomorrow.”

“I would like too,” said Bucky. He sighed and she put the guitar away.

“What is it? asked Alison.

“It’s weird having my own room. My own things. It’s a different not having you in the same room while I’m trying to sleep,” said Bucky.

“You won’t have to listen to me snore,” said Alison.

“You didn’t really snore. I just realized I really haven’t slept alone since the war. It was always so loud at night. You got used to it,” said Bucky. Alison nodded.

“It was weird for me coming home too. Being able to sleep in my own room and how quiet it was. If you want I won’t shut the door between our rooms so it feels like it’s one room when we’re sleeping,” said Alison.

“I guess that would work. Thanks,” said Bucky.

“Anytime. I’m gonna call it a night. Give me a minute to change and I’ll leave the door open,” said Alison. She came back in and a few minutes later she opened the door and stood in the doorway. “See you in the morning.”

“See you in the morning,” said Bucky. She stepped out the doorway and he heard her settle into bed. He went and settled into his bed that was too soft and listened. He could only hear the sound of his arm. He got up, grabbed his pillow and a blanket off the bed before going into Alison’s room. She slept like a child, her head resting on her arms and curled up on her side. Bucky settled on the floor and it felt better laying on the hard floor with the sound of another person breathing. _At least it’s warm and I get to lay down._ Bucky soon drifted off to sleep and it felt alright being here.

 


	14. In all my dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome.

Rated M-Rape and abuse

“So I thought we could watch the second Harry Potter movie tomorrow,” said Alison. It was their second week here and on Wednesday when the med staff had they day off Alison had suggested they take small break from his therapy. Well it was still therapy in a way, she was helping him catch up on what he missed. Last week they had sat down and watched the first Harry Potter movie together. It wasn’t a bad movie, some of the stuff they left out annoyed him a little, but everything they had managed to do was beyond amazing to him. He noticed Alison had spent most of her time watching his reactions than watching the movie. 

“I’m almost finished with the third book,” said Bucky and Alison grinned.

“Were you always a fast reader?” asked Alison and Bucky shrugged.

“I liked reading. When it was too cold for Steve to go out and play we went to the library. I used to trade books with Gabe, his family always sent him books,” said Bucky. 

He honestly couldn’t remember if he read fast before or not. Alison nodded and stood up to stretch her legs, a sign that they were done for the day. He never seem to be able to sit still for long during their sessions. He would pace the room, fidget in the chair or stand at the window when they talked. She would sometimes get up to talk to him when he stood at the window, but for the most part she sat on the sofa with her legs tucked under her while they talked and she took notes. 

Alison went over to the desk and locked the notebook in a drawer. She wouldn’t let anyone see her notes about him and he appreciated that. Even though they hadn’t gotten to his time with Hydra yet, bits and pieces of it had come up. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be ready to talk about that. 

“So instead of two memories for your journal I want you to try for three and you have an extra day to come up with them,” said Alison. 

“You know I thought once I left school the homework would stop,” said Bucky dryly and Alison rolled her eyes.

“Keep it up and I’ll make you write a book report for the next Harry Potter book,” said Alison. He gave her a small grin and they went off to dinner. 

This is when they took their break from each other. She would sit the med staff and have her dinner and he would sit with Steve and have his. After spending almost eight to nine hours listening to him try to make sense of his fractured and confusing memories he understood that she might need some time on her own to decompress.  _ I can’t make sense of some of my memories and I lived them. What is like to have to piece someone else’s life back together for them. I’m exhausted some days I didn’t even do anything, _ thought Bucky. He went and worked out with Steve after dinner and she went swimming.  _ Thought you were supposed wait thirty minutes or something, _ thought Bucky. He stayed in his room and would listen to her on the balcony has she tried to teach herself a new song. It was amusing at times to listen to her fumble through a piece, swear, start over from the beginning until she felt it was right. He liked the one she was trying to learn right now.

  
  


Day after day it reappears

Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear

Ghosts appear and fade away

  
  


He always waited an hour or so after Alison was asleep before going into her room to sleep on the floor. She had only caught him doing it once and it was because she had accidentally stepped on him while on her way to the bathroom Saturday night. He always managed to get himself up and back to his room before she got up. He told her he hadn’t been able to sleep, but didn’t want to wake her up. She was sort of half awake at the time and agreed to let him stay the night there. 

He wasn’t sure why he didn’t tell her the truth. That he felt a little better sleeping near her. He didn’t think she would be angry or annoyed with him for doing it.  _ Weak. It makes you weak, _ hissed some voice in his head. Bucky curled up on the floor and listened to her sleep before dozing off. 

_ The blow to his knee hurt, but he didn’t cry out. He knew better than to cry out during punishments. Crying out made them last longer and hurt more. The Soldier knew he had earned this punishment. He had been disobedient. He hadn’t followed orders and he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t followed them to start with. There was another blow to his side with a pipe and he winced. _

“ _That’s enough for now,” said a voice and he stepped out the shadows. Pierce stepped into his line of sight and the agent dropped his pipe. “Leave us,” said Pierce. The agent left and Pierce bent down so they were at eye level._

“ _I’m very disappointed in you. I thought you were above disobeying orders. We’ve been looking for you for over a month now. I should discontinue your use if you can’t follow orders. However I’m sure this is your last attempt at disobedience. Because if you disobey a direct order again it will be the end of your service. Do I make myself clear?” asked Pierce._

“ _Yes sir,” said the Soldier._

“ _Good. Now stay on your knees,” ordered Pierce and something in the Soldier cried out. Please not this...anything but this. The Soldier ordered it to be silent as Pierce took off the Soldier's pants and he felt Pierce’s hands on his hips. This was punishment and he just needed to take it._

“ _I don’t like disobedience and I won’t stand for it from anyone,” said Pierce. The Soldier heard Pierce unzip his pants and a felt the man go inside him. The thing inside the Soldier begged and pleaded for this to stop as Pierce grabbed his hair with one hand and pulled hard as his other hand stayed on his hip to thrust hard into him._

“ _What don’t I like?” asked Pierce settling his hands on the Soldier’s hips and slamming into him hard. The Soldier bit back a cry of pain before replying._

“ _Disobedience,” he said._

“ _Are you going to disobey again?” asked Pierce._

“ _No sir,” said the Soldier._

“ _Good,” said Pierce and he picked up his pace and a few moments later the Soldier felt  the man finish. Pierce started touching him and telling him what a good soldier he was while the voice inside carried on pleading for this to stop._

“Bucky! Bucky wake up!” said Alison. He felt her hand on his chest and she was shaking him awake. He would later learn had been screaming his head off and shaking uncontrollably. When he came too he saw Steve was next to him on the floor trying to wake him up. Sam and Natasha were standing in Alison’s doorway and sending anyone who came out to see what was going on back to their rooms.

“Bucky?” asked Steve reaching out his friend when Bucky quickly pulled away.

“Don’t touch me,” hissed Bucky. 

“We don’t want to hurt you alright. You just gave us a scare is all. Can Steve put a hand on your shoulder?” asked Alison. Bucky nodded and Steve could feel how tense he was through the tee shirt was soaked in sweat. 

“I’m going to get you some water alright. Just take slow, deep breaths and relax,” said Alison. She got up and Bucky pulled in several shaking breaths.

“God what did they do you Buck?” muttered Steve. Alison came back with the water and pressed it into his shaking hands.

“Just breathe,” said Alison. It took him several minutes before he stopped shaking and his breathing evened out a little. Steve’s hand didn’t leave his shoulder, but Alison didn’t touch him until he stopped shaking and she asked if she could. Bucky nodded yes and he felt her hands on his face. Her hands almost felt cold considering how hot he was. 

“Can you look at me please?” asked Alison softly and it was another several minutes before he could look at her. “That’s better,” said Alison and she brushed some of his hair off his face. 

“You’re burning up. I think you might feel a little better if you took a shower to cool off. Do you want to do that?” asked Alison and he nodded. “We’ll talk about this in the morning alright. You can stay here tonight. I’ll get you a different blanket and pillow case and make you a better bed to sleep on,” said Alison. Everything she said made sense and he found himself leaving her and Steve to talk.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


“How long as he been sleeping on the floor in your room?” asked Steve as Bucky shut the door to his bathroom and they heard the shower start. Alison pulled the sheets off his bed and got a different blanket and pillow case for him to sleep on.

“I know he did it on Saturday night because he said he couldn’t sleep. He might have been doing it all week and I didn’t know it,” said Alison. She tossed the sweat soaked blanket in the hamper before making up a little area for him to sleep. 

“Do you know what the hell that was about?” asked Steve sitting on her bed. Sam and Natasha had gone back to bed so Alison felt alright talking to Steve about Bucky.

“It was clearly a flashback of some sort and I going to assume it was during one of the many torture session he went through over they years. I’m not sure which one and even if I knew I really couldn’t tell you. That’s up to Bucky to tell you. I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone what he told me unless it was life threatening. He might have nightmares until the day he dies. They might lessen in severity and frequency with time, but they’re apart of who he is now. It’s been a few days since he’s had one so we could take that as a good sign. We were able to calm him down without him attacking us so that’s another good sign. Baby steps,” said Alison.

“I really hate this and Hell doesn’t have a pit deep enough for the people who hurt him,” said Steve. 

“ Oh I agree with you on that,” said Alison. She had a guess about what had happened to Bucky based on some of his earlier reactions to being touched. She hadn’t brought it up yet, she wasn’t sure if he really remembered what happened or if it was just a reflex to the physical abuse. She was going to have to bring it up to see if she was right and if she was right she might ask Steve if she could use his punching bag.  _ Bastards, _ thought Alison.  _ It wasn’t enough you had him under lock and key. Completely under your control and you had to throw one more method of abuse at him just to really drive home how cruel you could really be.  _ They heard the shower shut off and a few minutes later Bucky came out in a pair of sweats and his hair dripping wet and in knots.

“Come here. I’ll brush that out for you,” said Alison. 

“Are you alright Bucky? Do you need anything else?” asked Steve and he sounded so hurt and worried Alison really wanted that punching bag now. 

“No. I’m sorry for waking everyone up,” said Bucky sounding ashamed.

“It’s alright. Try to get some sleep okay,” said Steve leaving the room and shutting the door behind him. Bucky followed her to the bathroom and she had him sit on the edge of the tub so she brush the knots out. She knew Steve had been teasing him about cutting his hair, but he didn’t want to do it.

“Here you shouldn’t sleep with wet hair,” said Alison and she blow dried his hair. He couldn’t seem to look at her while she tended to him. The look of shame in his eyes just pissed her off. She wasn’t a vengeful person, but if she knew where Zola’s grave was she would have gleefully destroyed it and dug up his body to burn it. When his hair was dry she bent down so she was at Bucky’s eye level.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” she asked and he shook his head no. “Okay. Let’s try to go back to sleep then.” He stood up and before she could react he had his arms around her and pulled her close to him. He was shaking again and muttering in Russian.

“  Безопасно. Это не больно.” She looked up at him and there was something in his eyes she just couldn’t make out.  _ What is going on up there? _ wondered Alison.

“Come on. We need some sleep,” said Alison. He pulled away and looked at her puzzled. 

“I’ll try,” said Bucky. She had made his spot up right next to her bed. He settled in and she climbed back into her bed. 

“ Do you want the light on?” asked Alison and he shook his head no. She reached over and turned off the light. “Here take my hand until you go back to sleep,” said Alison dangling her arm over the edge of the bed. He took it her hand in his left hand and the grip was a little too tight, but she didn’t say anything.  _ Let him have this, _ thought Alison. Neither one of them went back to sleep that night.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


The dining hall was quiet on Wednesdays when the med staff had their day off. They tended to either sleep till noon or leave the property before dawn to go into the city. Most of the people on their floor were cadets in training so he was spared odd looks from the people in the hall this morning. He wasn’t really hungry, but he wanted coffee and Alison clearly needed some herself. She brought over two very large mugs and started dumping cream and sugar in hers before she even sat down. 

“I’m really sorry I kept you up,” said Bucky taking his coffee and adding creamer. Alison shook her head.

“We have a bad days and sometimes we have bad nights too. It just happens,” said Alison sipping her coffee. “Come on. I think we have to talk a little bit.” She got up and instead of heading to the office they went to gym area. It was a boxing area where he and Steve would go after dinner. He could sort of remember teaching Steve how to box and now Steve was showing him. He wasn’t sure it was the best idea. What if he slipped back into Solider mode? Steve assured him he would be alright and they didn’t really fight each other. It was mostly the bag or a dummy in the corner. Alison looked at the punching bag and then back to him.

“Do you wanna go first?” asked Alison. 

“What?” asked Bucky confused.

“Well I’ve never used a punching bag before. All the self defense classes I took in college had a dude in protective gear we could hit. I think you have some mad you need to work out before we do anything else today. So how does this work?” asked Alison. He went over and grabbed a small pair of gloves and helped her put them on. 

“ Keep your fists up. Never put your fists down. Take a step forward. Don’t stop moving. Your swing is too wide. Who taught you how to hit?” asked Bucky as she swung wildly.  _ Sweet Jesus she wouldn’t stand a chance in any fight, _ thought Bucky. 

“Well self defense was a lot about getting away from the situation and not the fight itself. I know you aim for the nose, the eyes, the groin or the solar plexus before running away and that you hopefully still have a purse,” said Alison. Bucky came up and put her fists up. 

“Don’t put your fists down.” He went behind her and held her arms. “Now take a step forward and it’s quick movement with your arm and it’s not all over the place.” He guided her arm to the bag and pulled it back quickly to her face. “And than you step back, fist back to your face so they can’t hit you. Forward, jab, and back. Forward, jab, and back. Like that. You need to move a little faster or you will get hit.” Bucky watched her and she was a little bit quicker. At least her swing wasn’t all over the place now. She went for about fifteen minutes before turning to him.

“Your turn,” said Alison taking off the gloves and sitting on the floor. He didn’t need a glove for his left hand and simply wrapped his right hand before he started punching. She watched him for a few minutes before speaking up.

“Can I ask you a question?” asked Alison and he grunted out a yes. “Do you have repeat dreams or is it a different one each time?”

“ Different,” said Bucky and he started hitting the bag harder.  _ I wish I didn’t dream at all, _ thought Bucky. She waited a few minutes before speaking up again.

“ Can we talk about the dream from last night?” asked Alison and he kept punching and didn’t answer. “We could talk about what you were sort of dreaming about two weeks ago when Tony was putting your arm back. What did you remember that upset you so badly?” He swung with his left and his fist through the bag.  _ I don’t want to want to remember that. Why do I have to remember everything they did to me? _

“Damn it,” screamed Bucky. Alison stood up and went over to him.

“Do you want another bag?” asked Alison. 

“I don’t want to remember what they did to me. I don’t want it in my head,” said Bucky balling his hands up into fists.

“I wish it wasn’t in your head. I wouldn’t wish what you went through on anyone. Do you want another bag?” asked Alison.

“Why?” asked Bucky.

“Because you really needed to hit something and I didn’t want you to hurt yourself by punching a wall in the office,” said Alison. 

“Or hit you?” asked Bucky unwrapping his hand. She didn’t anything and he hung his head. “Too soon?” he asked.

“ We’ll talk about it in the office,” said Alison putting her gloves away.  _ Damn it, don’t be an asshole.  _ Bucky grabbed her arm and he took a deep breath. 

“That was uncalled for...I shouldn’t joke about that,” said Bucky. He knew she had never blamed him for attacking her, but it didn’t stop him from blaming himself. 

“I’m not mad at you and I’m not going to judge your sense of humor. I like my humor a little dark too. We could just talk here if you want,” said Alison. 

“Can we go outside and talk? I need some air,” said Bucky. 

“Let’s take a walk then,” said Alison. She took him out to the track so they could walk and be alone. They were alone since the cadets had finished up their workout so on one would hear them. They walked a one mile lap before she spoke up again. 

“ I know that what I’m going to ask is going to upset you so I’m going to apologize in advance. I don’t want to upset you or make this harder on you than it needs to be. However I need to know what happened to you so I can help you move forward.  Hydra was very detailed in most of what they did do you, but after last night and what happened two weeks ago in the Tower I want to assume they left out one method of controlling and hurting you. And if I knew the answer I wouldn’t ask and you don’t have to answer me right now.  Did they abuse you sexually?” asked Alison.  _ Steve would get the smart one out of the bunch, _ thought Bucky. He knew it was her job to try to understand him and sometimes she was a little too good for his liking. He decided just to spit it out so they could move on from this. 

“ Sometimes they would laugh while they did it. They always made me like it,” said Bucky barely holding in his rage.   _ A hand on his member and someone speaking in Russian as they stroked him. He could feel himself getting excited and wanting it to stop. Laughter as he tried to make it stop. They only stopped when he climaxed and told him he was good.  _ Alison shook her head. 

“ You had a physical reaction to the attack. That wasn’t enjoyment. Sometimes it’s a little hard to understand why the brain and body work against each other. Sometimes the brain and the body disagree with other each during really stressful and harmful events. Your brain and body had a disagreement when you were being attacked. Your body reacted the way it would have if you were having sex of your own free will. The brain doesn’t deal very well during really stressful moments and it shuts down, trying to save itself in a matter of speaking. What happened to you does happen to others during rape, they report hating their attacker and what is being done to them, but still having an orgasm. They would use that against you wouldn’t they?” asked Alison.  _ Damn it, _ thought Bucky.

“ I remember someone calling me a bitch...more than once,” said Bucky shoving his hands in his pockets and he kept walking.  _ He takes it like a bitch and he likes it too, _ they said it to him so often he almost believed it. Alison sighed and picked up her pace to keep up with him.

“ What they did to you was about control and power. Not sex or intimacy. I’m going to assume you were sexuality active before the war,” said Alison and he shrugged.  _ A girl pressing herself against him and him running his hands down her back and her lips on his neck.  _

“I’m also going to assume that you never made a girl do anything she didn’t want to do. You weren’t trying to control or hurt anyone during sex. They wanted to hurt and control you in the most intimate way possible. It wasn’t your fault and you don’t have to be ashamed of what happened. I want you to keep that in mind,” said Alison. He sighed and try to work out what to say next. 

“We don’t have to talk about it now. I just want you know that you aren’t to blame for what happened and that you can move on from this too someday. We are going to have to talk about this again and that this stays between us too like everything else. You don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to tell,” said Alison. 

“You said someone tried to put their hands on you once?” asked Bucky recalling what she had wrote him in her letter.

“He was supposed to be my teaching doctor and when I decided to kill myself I tried stealing from the hospital. He caught me and wanted to make a deal. I could have the drugs if I agreed to a certain terms. He tried to put his hands on me and well that wild swing worked on him,” said Alison. 

“You don’t put your hands on a woman like that,” said Bucky.

“You don’t put your hands on anyone if they don’t want it. That’s just basic manners and decency,” said Alison. 

“ Does it bother you when I touch you?” asked Bucky feeling nervous. He was always rather forward with her and he didn’t mean to be it just happened sometimes. Like last night, when she had finished brushing and drying his hair. He just wanted to feel something and she didn’t push him away. She wouldn’t hurt him.  _ She’s safe, _ thought Bucky.

“No and if it did I would tell you. You aren’t grabbing at me because it’s fun for you. You just want to know it’s alright and that you’re safe ” said Alison. 

“Thank you,” said Bucky and he squeezed her hand.

“Can I ask you something? asked Alison. 

“Yeah,” said Bucky.

“Have you been sleeping in my room all week?” asked Alison and he gave her a sidelong sheepish look. 

“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t sleep,” said Bucky. “It’s just weird sleeping alone and the bed is too soft.”

“Alright. We’ll make a deal. You can sleep in my room, but you have to wake me up and tell me you are sleeping in my room. I don’t want to step on in the middle of the night again. We’ll do this until you feel ready to sleep on your own. Deal,” said Alison.

“ Deal,” said Bucky.  _ Thank you, _ thought Bucky as they kept walking.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


He had another nightmare that night. It was about Georgina and what they did to her. He swore he could see hear her screaming even after he woke up. Once again Alison and Steve had to wake him up while Sam and Natasha kept others away from seeing him fall apart. Bucky could see Steve look at Alison pleading with his eyes for her to tell him something and she shook her head no.  _ Good to her word. She’s good to her word.  _ Once again she stayed up with him, his left hand holding hers. He was torn again, he wanted her close by and he also hated feeling so weak.

The next morning Bucky went to her office to avoid any stares from people. She came up with a tray and two very large coffee mugs. 

“I didn’t do my homework,” said Bucky and Alison nodded. She went over to the drawer and got her notebook.

“ I figured as much,” said Alison sitting on the sofa and tucking her legs under her.  _ Jesus isn’t that uncomfortable?  _ thought Bucky. 

“ I was hoping we could focus on your nightmares instead,” said Alison and he glared at her. He was mad and he wasn’t sure why but he was sort mad at her right now.  _ Because you told her and now we have to talk about it, _ said some voice in his head. 

“I don’t want to,” said Bucky.

“I know you don’t want to, but your nightmares are going to get worse for you if you don’t let something go,” said Alison. He got up and started pacing around the room.

“You know what they did to me. Why do I have to tell you anything about that time?” asked Bucky.

“ I want to hear from you,” said Alison calmly.  _ Go over there and show her what they did, _ said that hateful voice in his head.  _ No. You aren’t going to put a hand on her. I just can’t do this. _

“I can’t do this,” said Bucky out loud. Alison got up and went over to him.

“ Yes you can. Just breath and remember it’s safe here and no one can hurt you here,” said Alison. Bucky looked at her and she had that look of never ending patience for him.  _ Sometimes Georgina would look so annoyed with me because I made things difficult. I think I made her happy that one time though. She didn’t looked worried or annoyed with me that one time, _ thought Bucky.

“I dreamed about Georgina. She...I think I loved her and they made me kill her. She just...she wanted to go home and I couldn’t help her and I….” He wasn’t even aware of the fact he was crying. 

“Just let it all out. Shush. It’s alright now.” He couldn’t remember how she got him over to the sofa or how he put his head in her lap and she rubbed his back and carefully brushed his hair away from his face while he cried. Bucky fell asleep, arms wrapped around her waist and head in her lap. Alison fell asleep with one hand in his hair and another on his back. That was how Steve and Sam would find them when they went to get them for dinner hours later. 

“Well at least he’s sleeping,” said Sam softly. Steve shook his head and noticed the notebook on the table. He went to pick it up and Sam stopped him.

“Those are her notes about him and things he’s told her in private. You aren’t ready to read those and you shouldn’t read them even if you were ready,” said Sam. Steve hung his head.

“I just wish I knew what was going on up there,” said Steve.

“You will when he’s ready,” said Sam. “Come on. Let them sleep,” said Sam. Sam turned off the lights and Steve shut the door softly

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  
  


It was pitch black when Bucky woke up hours later and remembered where he was and he remembered a little bit of what had happened this morning. _ I didn’t have any dreams though.  _ He didn’t feel that mad anymore either. Maybe she was on to something about letting things out. He got up carefully and for a brief second Alison started to wake up and reach for him before dropping back into sleep.  _ You did keep her up two nights in a row, _ thought Bucky. She was still sitting upright and it just looked uncomfortable to stay asleep that way. It would just be easier to wake her up and have her walk upstairs to bed. However he felt like he owed her a little bit since she agreed to let him sleep her in room.  _ Please don’t wake up, _ thought Bucky.

He bent down and picked her up. She groaned a little, but stayed asleep as he carried upstairs to her room. She sort of woke up for a second when he put her in her bed and covered her up with a blanket.

“Huh,” she started.

“Go back to sleep,” said Bucky and she did without question. He settled into his own spot on the floor and looked over. She had moved so one arm was dangling over the edge of the bed. Bucky reached over and held it as he went back to sleep.  

  
  
  
  


 


	15. Haven't you heard

Before she had graduated high school, Alison had gone to a meeting with the rest of the senior class. They had been instructed on what to wear under their gown, how to enter, how they should walk across the stage and go back to their seats. One of guidance counselors had gotten up to tell them he would not tolerate any pranks or shenanigans during graduation. He told them they were entering the adult world and the adult world would not tolerate childish nonsense. After working in an E.R for two years she was very tempted to go back to the high school, grab the counselor and shove him into the E.R so he could see real childish nonsense first hand. High school actually seemed mature by comparison.  

            In some ways Avenger Headquarters was a very mature version of high school. Sharon Carter nearly died laughing when Alison explained how it worked after they finished swimming one night.

            “Alright you have the really popular kids who are super good at everything-The Avengers: Steve, Natasha, Thor, ect. You have the second rung of popular kids who aren’t quite as good, but close-Sam, Rhodey, Wanda, and Vision. You and the other cadets are like the jocks, but really nice jocks,” said Alison when Sharon started mock glaring.

            “I firmly believe that the med people are like the marching band/nerd kids-Sometimes we get to hang out with the jocks and popular kids, but only if we can do something awesome. Support staff is like the AV group and our science people are a little like those kids who play D&D and Magic and they seem really nice, but they weird everyone out on sight,” said Alison drying off her hair.

            “You do have cases of cross group friendships,” said Sharon with a smirk. When Alison had her first dinner with the rest of the med staff they filled her in on the different things they had during down time: book clubs, movie nights, game nights, group workouts just to name a few things.

            “Do we wear pink on Wednesdays?” asked Alison jokingly. Jenny and another woman named Adair got the joke, but it was Sharon who turned around in her seat and tossed her hair back while giving her a mocking smile.

“And you can only wear your hair in ponytail once a week, so I guess you chose today,” said Sharon. In addition to her love for the movie Mean Girls, Sharon was also an evening swimmer. She and Alison seemed to be the only two who went right to the pool after dinner. It was a huge pool, but it was nice to be sort of alone in your own way. She and Sharon were hanging around after their swim when Alison floated the high school theory by her.

“You also forgot how gossip and rumors works around here. It’s unreal,” said Sharon and Alison had to agree. The gossip and rumor mill was overwhelming sometimes and she had only been here two weeks.

Jenny seemed to be the main source for the med staff and much like high school and the E.R a lot of the gossip and rumors were centered on who was possibly sleeping with who. While dating between your fellow co worker wasn’t frowned upon the close quarters did make breaking up not fun for the couple. _It’s prime time television for everyone else,_ thought Alison.

Jenny had told Alison the story about how two of the support staff starting fooling around, when the girl decided go after one on the scientists and ended her fling with the guy in support. The scientist ended up leaving and support girl couldn’t get anyone to pity her after cheating on support guy. Jenny pointed them out in the mess hall. They walked past each other and Alison swore the temperature between the two people dropped to zero.

It turned out no one was above being in the rumor pool. Alison heard rumors about Natasha and Bruce Banner that seemed a too far fetched to her. There were rumors about Vision and Wanda and why they were always baking. _Honestly they are just two people...well one is an A.I and they each needed a friend and they found each other,_ thought Alison.

“You know people think you and Sam are thing,” teased Sharon and Alison rolled her eyes. She had gone to Sam’s room one night after her swim and found him on the floor complaining of a cramp in his leg. She had helped him work the cramp out and clearly having her hands on his leg meant they were sleeping in supply closets now.

“We haven’t had a thing since we were in seventh grade and that bottle land on me. I’m pretty sure if we were the last two people in the world we still couldn’t make that work,” said Alison.

“So it’s cool if I ask him out?” asked Sharon giving Alison a wide grin.

“Oh you are tricky one. I like that. He’s thirty, served tours of duty and has a jet pack. He can date whoever he wants too. It’s his mom, aunt, and cousin you have to worry about,” teased Alison. They changed back into sweats and tee shirts before heading back upstairs. They walked past the boxing area and Alison saw Steve was holding a dummy for Bucky to punch. Alison knew firsthand how fast Bucky could move it was another to just watch him. _That man is like a cat,_ thought Alison. He had pulled his hair back with one of her hair ties she noted with some amusement.

“What we watching?” asked Natasha coming up behind her and Alison almost jumped. _Another one that is like a cat,_ thought Alison. Natasha spotted Steve and Bucky and she nodded.

“It’s something to see them in action. Even I’m a little impressed from time to time,” said Natasha.

“Did you ever see the video of Steve fleeing SHIELD? That was impressive,” said Sharon.

“That was a Tuesday workout for Steve. Before we knew Barnes was the Winter Soldier he and Steve fought it out on the streets of D.C. It was unreal to see them move,” said Natasha. Alison had seen the shaky cell phone video of them fighting and it was something to see. It was just brutal and has Natasha pointed impressive to watch. The Soldier was ruthless and seemed to have no limit to his skill.

“I could teach you,” said Natasha looking at Alison.

“Me? Oh...Um...I…I might be a really bad student,” said Alison. Alison had also seen grainy and shaky cell phone videos of Natasha in a fight. _She made it look so effortless,_ thought Alison.

“You’ll never know until you try. We’ll start Sunday night when you get back,” said Natasha and she walked away. Sharon looked at her with a smirk.

“She’s gonna eat for you breakfast,” said Sharon.

“It was weird seeing her eat breakfast. She eats carbs. Carbs! Like the other mortals” joked Alison. She hadn’t spent a lot of time with Natasha, but from what she had gathered she and Steve were close like how she and Sam were close. Under that kick ass lady was probably a very nice person. You just had to dig through the layers and she had a lot of layers.

“She’s like a nice version of Regina George. I bet if you ask anyone she’s punched in the face how it was they would say it was awesome,” said Sharon and they laughed a little before heading upstairs.

“See ya tomorrow,” said Sharon heading to her room. Alison knocked on Sam’s door before letting herself in. He was laying on the floor listening to his music. Sam had joked that even though they lived and worked in the same space he sometimes didn’t see her for a day or two. She had taken to bothering him at night before she settled down. While all her time was spent with Bucky, his time was spent either training under Steve for being an Avenger or he was training the cadets like Sharon. Alison sat on the floor with him and he wrinkled his nose.

“You smell like cleaners,” said Sam.

“I just finished my swim. So people think we’re doing it,” teased Alison.

“I’m too sore and tried to even consider sex,” said Sam and Alison grabbed her chest.

“Oh my god. The world is ending. The impossible has happened,” said Alison and Sam groaned and pulled himself up into a sitting position.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Mock me you lazy thing,” said Sam.

“Well I might be getting a taste of your medicine. Natasha offered to teach me how to fight,” said Alison and Sam’s eyes got wide.

“Tell me there will be a pool of Jell-O!” said Sam and Alison gave him a playful shove.

“Ass. I’m just a little shocked that she offered is all,” said Alison.

“We don’t have a lot of girls on the fight squad. There is Hill, Wanda and Carter, but sadly not a lot of ladies despite a lot of looking. Maybe she would like to add to the squad. Or you might be ‘She’s All That’ bet. She bet Steve she could turn anyone into a fighting machine and he picked you,” said Sam.

“Oh I’m bet! I’m gonna get a sweet makeover and a montage. You wanna come with me Sunday? I might need your muscles to help me drag my drum set upstairs,” said Alison. She had sent Pepper an email asking if the moving crew could bring her drums up, but she hadn’t heard anything back yet. Alison guessed Pepper might be busy trying to figure out where Tony was on top of running his company. No one had seen Stark for about two weeks and it clearly was becoming an issue.

“Oh you do love me. I’m gonna have to pass though. Sunday morning drill. I have tomorrow to recover. To think I thought Basic training was hard,” said Sam. Alison gave him a quick kiss on the forehead.

“You are a big baby and I love you. See you in the morning,” said Alison. She left his room and two of the male cadets in the hall got wide eyed. Alison gave them a cheerful wave before going into her room.

She took a quick shower to wash the pool smell off and settled in to check her email. She got one from Pepper saying she would have a drum set up there by Sunday night. She also wanted to know how to drug someone and get away with it. _Oh this makes it premeditated,_ thought Alison. She sent Pepper a thank you email and advised her to ask her own doctors about medication.

The next email was from Dr. Louna wanting to know how she was doing. Alison didn’t see her in person anymore, but she still checked in from time to time. Alison told her she was fine and that she had made a couple of new friends here. She was looking forward to starting her classes in the fall and asked Louna if she had any textbook recommendations so she could catch up on any updated cases or methods. She sent Sophia an e-mail about meeting up for lunch before she headed back up here. Alison logged off and Bucky came in and went to give her the hair tie back.

“I should have asked,” said Bucky and Alison shrugged.

“You can keep it. I have plenty of them,” said Alison.

“Um, Thanks,” said Bucky. He went to take his shower and Alison went outside to start trying out a new piece. Bucky came out and sat with her while she was working out the piece. It had become a new part of their routine. He used to sit on his own balcony while she did this, but he started sitting with her earlier this week and watching her. She didn’t mind and sometimes he had questions about the music and she was more than happy to answer him. _He’s expressing an interest in something. This is another step for him._

For his part, Bucky just wanted to see how she learned to play up close. She explained how to read the sheet music and how to play the notes. How each note sounded when played alone and how they sounded when you put them all together. _I liked music, I just never thought about how it came together,_ thought Bucky.

Alison knew of the rumor mill and she knew what some people thought of her and Sam. This was funny as hell to her considering her history with Sam. Bucky sort of knew about all the gossip from Steve and Natasha, but he really didn’t care. However they were both unaware of their cog in the current mill. One of the male cadets who saw her exit Sam’s room had his balcony four doors down from her and Bucky. He went out on his for a smoke and saw her sitting with Bucky and just shook his head. _Geez how many hours can they spend together?_ He knew Barnes had his issues and who wouldn’t after being a Hydra Popsicle for seventy some years and clearly needed a babysitter. But, they never seemed to be apart for more than an hour or two at time. Barnes even slept in her too considering he was in there during his evening freak outs this week. _Then again if I got a nurse with an ass like that I would want to spend all my time with her too._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Bucky was waiting for Alison at a table in the mess hall the following morning when two women and a man approached the table. He didn’t recognize them, but he was still meeting everyone and sometimes people came and went. Even Alison had trouble remembering everyone’s name and sometimes he would catch her eyeing a name tag so she wouldn’t have to admit she didn’t know who she was talking too.

“I’m sorry can we sit here? Everywhere else it sort of full,” said one of the women. She had brown hair and brown eyes. She was rather soft spoken and appeared nervous to be bothering him. Not scared of him the way some people seem to be, just ill at ease with people in general. The other one just sat her tray down and pulled out a chair to sit. She also had brown hair and light green eyes, but she had an air of confidence about her that her friend didn’t have. The man just shook his head looking at the sitting woman before taking a seat next to her.

“Darcy,” scolded the woman and the one sitting down shrugged.

“What? He’s cool with it. Beside it’s a big table and he looked lonely,” said Darcy munching on her toast.

“I was waiting for someone, but I don’t mind,” said Bucky. He was trying to be more social and meet the people here. Well Steve had suggested getting to know more of the people here. Alison said the decision was his and his alone to make.

“I’m Jane by the way. Jane Foster,” said the shy woman sitting down. “This is my assistant Darcy and her assistant Ian.”

“Well he’s my assistant slash boyfriend,” said Darcy ruffling the man’s hair and he just hung his head.

“We’ve talk about this,” pleaded Ian.

“Yeah I feel asleep during that talk, said Darcy pulling out her phone. Alison sat her tray down and she raised an eyebrow looking at him.

Hi. I’m Alison. You all must be new here,” she said. Jane did the introductions again. Alison did a double take.

“Jane Foster as in the astrophysicists Jane Foster?” asked Alison looking a little in awe of the woman. Jane shrugged sipped her OJ.

“Yeah. Our friend Erik as taken up residence here and he wanted us to meet another friend of his and see if our projects could merge together.  He does something with how time flows differs based on the realm and plane you might be in,” said Jane and Bucky sort of looked at her puzzled. Jane looked over at him and flush crossed her face.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get your name before taking over the table,” said Jane.

“I’m James Barnes,” said Bucky. Jane took him in and her eyes got wide. He had covered his arm, but you could see the metal fingers so now she was really piecing together who he was.

“Oh. Oh my god. It’s an honor to meet you. We sort of heard through the grapevine...well I mean Steve told Thor that…” Darcy looked up from her phone at her stammering friend and elbowed her.

“Stop being a spaz and OH MY GOD I KNOW YOU!!!” cried Darcy and Bucky regretted his decision to let them sit here. _Well you really didn’t let them they just sat. I should have got up,_ thought Bucky.

“And you told her to not be a spaz,” said Ian hanging his head even lower.

“Dude we are sitting across from the drummer from See Jane Rock! I will spaz out all over the place,” said Darcy happily. Bucky looked at Alison and she shrugged before ducking her head a little bit.

“That was the name of the band I played with. We had a little following in the college circle,” said Alison.

“I went to some of your shows and you played at my shitty cousin’s wedding. Made her shitty sea themed wedding awesome,” said Darcy and Alison’s eyes got wide looking at her.

“Oh my god you were the drunken bridesmaid who hit on my fiancée,” said Alison. Darcy looked thoughtful and her face broke into a wide smile.

“Wait the violin guy. Oh you are a lucky girl! He is so adorable. Is he working here too...hell why are you here?”

“I’m a nurse,” said Alison.

“Is he a doctor then?” asked Darcy.

“I’m right here,” said Ian. Bucky looked over at Alison he could see a hint of sadness in her eyes.

“He passed away three years ago. During the invasion,” said Alison. Jane’s face paled and Darcy looked down at the table slightly embarrassed.

“I am so sorry,” said Jane and Alison shook her head.

“It’s alright,” said Alison. Bucky looked at Alison who seemed alright, but she always had this wistful look when she talked about him. _Well she was in love in with the guy,_ thought Bucky.

“So you’re a nurse,” said Ian trying to change the subject.

“I’m in training to be psych nurse,” said Alison. Darcy’s grin came back.

“This one tried out for med school and had to watch a video of someone getting a kidney removed and she passed out. I wish I could have seen it,” said Darcy and Jane put her face in her hands.

“This is why I don’t like taking you anywhere,” said Jane.

“You still love me though,” said Darcy. Alison was about to say something when her eyes got wide at the sight of two older men coming over to their table.

“Franklin?” asked Alison stunned and she stood up. One of men was very thin  and short and had white frizzy hair. The other one was tall with thinning blond hair. The short man also looked stunned to be seeing her too.

“Alison?” he asked. She broke into a wide smile and she got up to give him a hug. The old man hugged her back just as happy to see her.

“What are you doing here?” asked Alison stunned.

“I should be asking you the same thing?” said Franklin.

“Do you know this young lady?” asked the other old man.

“This was my dear friend when I was on retreat. She translated all the Spanish soap operas,” said Franklin.

Bucky had the idea that the ‘retreat’ was this man’s way of saying nut house. _Alison calls it Camp Happy, he calls it a retreat, I wonder how many ways you can say nut house without saying nuthouse?_ thought Bucky.

“Alison dear this is my good friend Erik. I told you about him didn’t I?” asked Franklin gesturing to the other old man.

“Hello,” said Erik and Alison shook his hand. Darcy leaned back in her chair and grinned.

“It’s small world after all,” started Darcy until Jane kicked her under the table.

“So what are you doing here?” asked Alison.

“Well I’ve been working on my time ribbon theory. I told you about that didn’t I?” asked Franklin and Alison looked stunned.

“I thought that was just…” Franklin grinned.

“Ramblings of a madman,” he said and Alison nodded.

“Well considering where we were at the time,” said Alison.

“I thought it was a retreat?” said Jane and Darcy hung her head.

“I think he means ‘retreat’ the way Erik means ‘vacation’,” said Darcy and Jane looking very embarrassed muttered something about being done and walked away.

“Yeah we had to break him out of Erik out of his ‘retreat’ so he would all save the world together. It was really cool,” said Darcy. Bucky looked at Alison who simply shrugged. _This is the world we live in. We have to get used to it,_ thought Bucky.

“I think we’ve all had our fair shares of going a little out of our minds lately,” said Erik. “So what do you do here?” asked Erik looking at Alison.

“I’m part of the med team. I’m training to be a psych nurse,” said Alison.

“And what do you here?” asked Franklin turning to Bucky.

“Currently recovering from my own ‘vacation’,” said Bucky. _Might as well use the language,_ thought Bucky.

“This is James Barnes. Captain Rogers’s friend,” said Alison and Franklin looked stunned.

“Oh yes. We were told you were here. I’m going to assume that she’s your nurse then,” said Franklin.  

“Is that how you two know each?” asked Ian pointing between him and Alison

“She found me in a dumpster first,” said Bucky and Alison hung her head

“I need to go dumpster diving again. Hobos have gotten hotter since I stopped,” said Darcy.

“I am sitting right here!” protested Ian. _Wait did she just imply what I think she was implying?_ thought Bucky. He had noticed a few quick glances from the women on staff and how they quickly turned away if he caught them looking. _Dames shameless throwing themselves at you, teased Becca._

“You weren’t in a dumpster, you were by a dumpster,” said Alison.

“Is there that much of difference?” asked Bucky.

“Well you found yourself in the right hands. Alison was always very sweet to me and she wasn’t even supposed to look after me,” said Franklin. Bucky looked over at Alison who turned a little pink at Franklin’s words. _So being social isn’t so bad,_ he thought.

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

            “Well it’s a little like the Butterfly Effect, but I would like to see if it affects events in different realms and if there are different time lines in the realms,” explained Franklin as he showed them around his lab. Bucky looked at Alison confused.

            “The Butterfly Effect is the theory that a butterfly flapping its wings can cause a storm thousands a miles away,” said Alison.

            “It was also a really shitty movie,” said Darcy.

            “During the Convergence all the realms were aligned and it sort of made me think about Franklin’s theory about the time ribbons,” said Erik.

            “Well time ribbon is just a working name,” explained Franklin. “See I think that this is simply one timeline in the nine realms. I call the one we’re living in right now Earth 199999. But just think, there could be another Earth in another nine realms with a completely different history than our own,” said Franklin.

            “Yeah a world where the Butterfly Effect was never made,” said Darcy and Jane sighed.

            “Or a world where we didn’t have the super solider serum. Or Tony Stark didn’t survive the attack in Afghanistan. Or I don’t know,” said Jane.

            “A world where Batman is real and Captain America is just a comic book,” suggested Ian. Darcy hugged him.

            “I do love you. You great big nerd,” said Darcy.

“The possibilities are endless,” said Franklin. “It’s still more a theory than anything. I have spent a lot of time looking through different history accounts and plotting out time lines. I’m plotting one out right now and calling it Earth 616-It’s still needs a lot of work,” said Franklin.

“So you’re studying alternate realities. Different histories,” said Bucky and Franklin nodded.

“I won’t see another Convergence in my lifetime, but if there are nine different realms and aliens it’s a little cocky to assume that this is the only possible Earth and the only possible timeline,” said Franklin. Bucky could see now why Alison had thought he was a little crazy when she had first heard it. It sounded farfetched, but it did have possibilities. _What would have happened if there had been no super solider serum? No Red Skull. No Captain America. Would Steve and I just be two old guys in the home together? Would I have known Georgina or Alison?_

“We’re going to be here until July and then we’re going back to London to do some more research there,” said Jane setting up a work space.

“Maybe we’ll see you around,” said Darcy winking at him and her boyfriend slamming his head on the table.

“It was lovely to see you again,” said Alison giving Franklin a hug.

“Well don’t be strangers. Please come down and see me. You’re also welcome to join her Mr. Barnes. Any friend of Alison’s is a friend of mine _,_ ” said Franklin going to help Jane. They said goodbye and headed upstairs for his session.

“So you guys were friends from before,” said Bucky and Alison nodded.

“Dr. Franklin Rone. I knew he was a professor of some sort. We had group therapy together and spent most of our free time together. The TV was stuck on Telemundo most of the time and I understood Spanish so I was the English subtitles for people in the common room,” said Alison. She got her notebook and settled in her spot.

“So we were talking about…” Bucky cut her off.

“What sort of group therapy did you two have?” asked Bucky. Bucky was a little curious what her time in the hospital was like. She had told him it helped her figure out what was wrong with her, but not really the how it helped her.

“It was a grief support group. We had all lost someone in a violent fashion. I lost Matt during the Invasion and Franklin lost his son during the Iraq War. So honestly when he started talking about the time ribbon stuff I thought that was his coping device. Some people believe in Heaven, some believe in reincarnation and Franklin thinks there might be a different timeline where the war never happened,” said Alison.

“Was being in the hospital like this? Like how it is for me being here?” asked Bucky gesturing to the office.

“Yes and no. It was very controlling about what we did and when we did it. Some people really needed that level of control though. I did a lot therapy-group and one on one session. The doctor for my group sessions and the one for my private sessions were different. There was a lot of medication trial and error. One medication they put me on made me more anxious and I actually lost weight on it since I didn’t want to eat. The one finally settled on actually made me gain my weight back plus ten pounds. Some people were there for depression, some were there for anxiety, we had some bipolar people who just needed there meds adjusted and were checked in by their families so they could be watched. In my case I was committed to avoid the doctor pressing charges for me hitting him and I really needed to get myself together,” said Alison.

“You’re still on medication,” said Bucky. She had a small bottle sitting on her bathroom counter and it seemed to be the first thing she did when she got up was take her meds. Alison nodded.

“And I will probably stay on it for a very long time. Before I started taking it I was really anxious all the time. I always felt of a sort pressure to succeed and to have everything planned out so nothing could go wrong. That if I failed something horrible was going to happen. It was just how my brain worked. It’s normal to feel anxious sometimes, but this was all the time and I did not deal well when my life went really against everything I planned out,” said Alison with a nervous little laugh.

“You’re better now though?” asked Bucky and she nodded.

“For the most part. It’s a lot of recognizing if what I’m feeling is normal or if what I’m feeling is out there and I that I need to rein it in and how to rein in it,” said Alison.

“Like when I get mad?” asked Bucky. _Sometimes I think I still wanna hit Steve. The Mission,_ thought Bucky.

“Yeah.You have every right to be mad, but you have to control when, where and why you get mad,” said Alison.

“How do you rein your stuff in?” asked Bucky. She shifted in her spot and he wondered if he was making her nervous. He didn’t mean to, but he wanted to know. _How did you get yourself back together,_ thought Bucky.

“Well I always give myself a minute to think through something that makes me sad or nervous. Just a minute and not more than that, because as Sam once told me if I give it more than a minute I will think myself crazy. I will find everything that can wrong and I won’t focus on what could go right. It’s not always easy and sometimes I have to reach really deep to find something good when I’m in that minute, but it’s what helps me,” explained Alison.

“Sometimes I still wanna hit Steve. I get flashes when he is the mission. I have to take a minute to remind myself he’s my friend and he wants to help me,” said Bucky and Alison nodded.

“See you know the why you want to do something and you know to not act on it. That’s a good thing,” said Alison.

“Now I just have a billion more to work through,’ said Bucky and he gave his own nervous laugh.

“It always feels like a billion,” said Alison. They talked until about three; they didn’t go as long on Saturdays as they did during the week. Alison went to put her notebook away when he remembered that he wanted to ask her what Darcy had meant at breakfast.    

“What did Darcy mean by hot hobos?” asked Bucky and he could see the hint of amusement in her eyes.

“She was implying that you are attractive despite being homeless when you were found,” said Alison

“Am I?” asked Bucky

“Are you what?” asked Alison puzzled.

“A hot hobo?” asked Bucky and he could tell it was taking Alison a great deal of effort to not laugh.

“Well do you think you’re good looking?” asked Alison and he shrugged.

“I sort of remember Becca and Steve teasing me about dating a lot. I sort of remember being with girls before the war, but I really don’t know why. Why did dames like me?” asked Bucky. Alison took a deep breath and he could see her turning a little pink.

“Well to be honest and a little unprofessional you are very good looking man. However a guy can be good looking and either be completely boring or a total jerk. From what Steve told me, what I read from others about you and my own interactions with you, you are a very charming guy when you want to be. Before Hydra I imagine you were a very sweet guy and probably really fun to go on a date with. You probably made a girl feel really special and you actually treated her with a little bit of respect. So on top of good looks you have a lot of good qualities that would make a dame like you,” said Alison and Bucky eyed her.

“Why if I didn’t know any better I say you were trying to flirt with me,” said Bucky with a hint of smile and Alison rolled her eyes.

“You asked my opinion and told you. If I was flirting I….I honestly don’t think I know how to flirt anymore,” said Alison.

“Before you I hadn’t talked to anyone in seventy years. Now you can’t get me to shut up,” said Bucky. Alison looked at him and shook her head.

“There you go being all sorts of charming right now,” said Alison.

“Did Darcy really hit on your fiancée?” asked Bucky.

“Well he technically wasn’t at the time,” said Alison with a grin.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Four years ago.

 

            Money did not equal taste or at least that was what Alison had come to learn when it came to weddings. Currently the sea blue and green streamers with the Under the Sea theme reminded her of a Junior High dance and not in a good way. She adjusted her snare and did a test. John a pianist they borrowed from time to time was warming up. Sophia was testing the mike and Renee was adjusting her bass. Matt shook his head as he handed Alison a bottle of water.

            “What?” asked Alison and Matt nodded his head over to the bar. A few guests were early and the bride and groom were outside taking pictures. At least the bar was open for them to drink the boredom away.

            “See the busty brunette in the seafoam green dress,” said Matt. Alison looked over and the busty brunette was double fisting her drinks.

            “Oh there is a happy bridesmaid if I ever saw one,” said Alison.

            “She wanted to know if I could give her a private lesson and I don’t think she meant music lesson,” said Matt with a grin. Alison adjusted her chair and eyed him.

            “You want me too full white trash on her? I’ll do. I’ll take my earrings off, put my hair up, rip my top and take her down. I will go Snookie on her,” said Alison deadpan.

            “I love it when you talk trashy reality TV to me,” said Matt.

            “Hey you two wanna cue up for the bride’s entrance?” asked Renee. Matt grabbed his violin and the bride’s entrance song was Kiss the Girl from the Little Mermaid. _Oh this so better be worth the $400 I’m getting when this night is over,_ thought Alison. They played some instrumental stuff during dinner and about an hour in was the cue to get ready for the first dance, while this might be the tackiest wedding she had ever seen at least the first dance song was one they really hadn’t been asked to play before. _If I never play I don’t wanna miss a thing it will still be too soon,_ thought Alison. The music video to the song was so 80’s it was funny to watch, but they had fun practicing the song. Alison gave Matt a look and he shrugged. He started the intro and a few seconds she and Sophia joined in. Alison had to admit Sophia sounded really pretty on this number.

 

            Do you remember when we met?

            That’s the day, I knew you were my pet

            I wanna tell you how much I love you

 

            Come with me, my love to the sea

            The sea of love

            I wanna tell you how much I love you

            Come with me to the sea of love

           

            The bride and groom looked so happy it made Alison smile a little. This was the part that made her the happiest about doing this. That she was watching two people totally unaware of everything around them in the one of the happiest moments of their lives.

 

            Everything went off without a hitch and they even managed to book a job for the spring. _Not a bad night,_ thought Alison. They didn’t do a lot of big gigs anymore. Sophia was trying to finish her Master’s. Renee had just taken a full time teaching job in Queens. Matt was with the Philharmonic full time now and she needed to buckle down for the last years of her own education were going to be a bitch. This had a been a favor for the groom, an old high school friend of Matt’s.

            “Your snare good lady,” said Matt. She put it in the back and Renee came up with her bass.

            “Everything in?” asked Renee.

            “Well the piano came with the place,” said Matt and Renee rolled her eyes.

            “Always the funny guy,” said Sophia joining them.

            “I’ll cash the check in the morning and drop off your cut in the before lunch. Night loves,” said Sophia. She and Renee drove off, leaving Alison and Matt with the van. She had to drop drums off at her grandfather’s place. She tossed Matt the keys.

            “You drive the tank,” said Alison getting in. Matt started the drive back and he kept looking over at her.

            “What?” asked Alison.

            “Promise me when we get married there will be no green. At least not that shade of green. I think it might have been a good thing Tommy is color blind and he couldn’t see that shade of green the wedding party was in,” said Matt and Alison laughed.

            “I promise there will be none of that if you promise not to take my garter off with your teeth,” said Alison and Matt sighed.

            “Tommy always makes poor choices when he’s drunk,” said Matt. “Promise you won’t shove cake in my face,” said Matt.

            “Why would I waste good cake that way? Beside why are you asking me all this when I do not have a ring on this finger?” asked Alison looking at her left hand.

            “I haven’t asked you yet?” asked Matt.

            “Maybe you did and I just getting off call and didn’t have any brain cells left. No ring though. So I’m leaning towards no,” said Alison.

            “Well when I do it’s gonna knock your socks off,” said Matt.

            “I’m sure it will,” said Alison. He asked two weeks later right before her first exam of the school year. She had to admire his idea of knocking her socks off.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

            He and Steve were watching a movie called Titanic the next morning while Alison was out. It was on Steve’s list and he figured they could watch it together. _Things that happened before we born, hopefully it won’t trigger anything bad for him,_ thought Steve.

“So is that why you took up drawing?” asked Bucky as the lead actress posed nude for a drawing.

            “No,” said Steve quickly and Bucky looked over at him. For a second Steve saw his best friend again in the way he raised his eyebrow and smirked.

            “Wow that was rather quick denial. I don’t you ever denied something that fast since we were kids. You wrote a note to some girl...her brother found it...is that right?” asked Bucky and Steve nodded.

            “Mary Timmins. I wrote her a note asking her to Spring Social and her brother Martin found it. He would have turned me into gravel if you hadn’t been there. I didn’t deny writing it though...I told him I was asking for friend. Even though I signed my name too it,” said Steve and Bucky shook his head.

            “God you were a stupid punk,” said Bucky.

            “Still am depending on who you ask,” said Steve.

            “Do you still draw?” asked Bucky.

“Not really,” said Steve.

“Why?” asked Bucky. Steve paused the movie and thought for answer.  

“Really don’t know why. Anytime I try nothing really comes to mind. It’s like writer’s block only with drawing,” admitted Steve. “I did a little bit when I first woke up and then I joined up with SHIELD and that was all my free time and then we started trying to find you and…” Bucky cut him off.

“Why was it so important to find me? I wasn’t ready to be found. Hell if my arm hadn’t had gone on fritz I might still be out there. Why didn’t you fight back on the helicarrier? I could have killed you. Stupid punk,” said Bucky. Steve sighed. He had been waiting for him to ask this for a while now. _Stupid movie. I didn’t think it would trigger anything._ Then again they were still finding his triggers so who knew how many they would stumble across along the way. _If he asks you anything be honest with him. He needs that._ or at least that was what Alison had told him. Being honest was the easy part; it was seeing how Bucky handling how honest he was that made it hard.

“Before you came back I was so alone. I mean I have the Avengers, I have missions, but that’s really it. I don’t make friends well and I never really did. Somehow no one wants to be friends with the sick kid and it was hard to trust people after I became the Great American Hope. I mean it’s gotten better. I have Sam and Natasha, but they don’t know where I came from or what it was really like before I became this,” said Steve gesturing to himself. “You did though...you stuck with me and you still cared about that stupid kid from Brooklyn. So when we were fighting on the helicarrier and you didn’t remember me...I was done. I was tired of being alone and what good was saving the world if I couldn’t save the person who saved me more often than he realized,” said Steve.

Bucky just looked at him and it was the same look he had on the helicarrier right before Steve blacked out and fell. He was remembering something and Steve was worried about what he was remembering.

“Did I really mean that much to you?” asked Bucky softly.

“You still do,” said Steve and Bucky looked down at the floor.

“They always told me I didn’t matter. That I was just a weapon that they could discontinue if I didn’t work anymore. After a while, you just believe it. It’s easier than to think you don't matter and that you’re just alone. It’s just hard sometimes trying to understand why you and Alison care so damn much about me. I know I’m safe with you guys though and I’m still working through the rest,” said Bucky.

“Can I ask what you two talk about?” asked Steve. Bucky sighed and he could see him weighing what to tell him and how much to tell him. _It might always be like this but at least he’s home now and talking,_ thought Steve.

“Depends on what I want to talk about or what I write in my journals. We’ve been going over what I remember from before the war a lot-You, Becca, the things we did before I shipped over. I think tomorrow we might start talking about when I shipped out. Not looking forward to what it’s going to lead up too, but I need to put things together. Sometimes we just talk about what I missed when I was out-like how the city has changed or old movies...well old to her and new to me. If I don’t really understand something she’ll try to explain it to me. It’s like everything is still there I’m not sure how it goes. She helps me put it back where it goes. I like talking to her...she’s really nice,” said Bucky. _What a difference a few weeks can make,_ thought Steve.

“Well I’m glad you two are getting along now,” said Steve trying to tease him.

“Yeah we get along,” said Bucky and he seemed to zone out a little bit. Steve was a little puzzled by Bucky’s sudden zoning out, but he shook his head and looked over at Steve.

“So when is the iceberg going happen? There was an iceberg right?” asked Bucky.

“Yes there was,” said Steve turning the movie back on. _He really is in there somewhere. You just have to be patience,_ thought Steve.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

            When Alison came back from the city she changed quickly and went down to the gym level where Natasha was waiting with Rhodey.

            “You look nervous,” said Natasha the second Alison walked in the room.

            “Well it’s not every day an Avenger offers me a fighting lessons,” said Alison and Natasha gave a little shrug.

            “Steve is thinking about having the med teams learn some basics in fighting in case they caught and we can’t get to them. We figured maybe one on one might be best until we work out the kinks,” said Natasha. _So I’m little like a bet,_ thought Alison.

            “You ever taken any self-defense classes?” asked Natasha.

            “A few in college. Aim for the eyes and run away. Be careful not spray the mace in your face. Keep your sharpest key in between your fingers as a weapon. Those were the finer points,” said Alison.

            “They forgot to mention you have a built in advantage,” said Natasha and Alison looked confused. “Your opponent is already going to underestimate you because you are woman. Even with my reputation you would be surprised how many guys still underestimate me,” said Natasha.

            “I find that really hard to believe,” said Alison and Natasha grinned a little.

“If only you knew. We’re going to start slow and I promise we won’t do anything to crazy. I’ve been doing this since I was six so I’ll understand if you don’t get this on the first try. Hey Rhodey get over here,” said Natasha.

“I’m hoping you won’t do anything crazy with me,” said Rhodey getting behind Natasha and wrapping arm around her neck loosely and the other around her body to pin her arms.

“He has me and your first instinct is to struggle to get away. That just makes it easier for him to choke you out or drag you away. When you go limp and act like you have fainted. it lures them into a false sense of winning. They ease up and that’s when you strike,” said Natasha. She went limp in Rhodey’s arms and he went to pick her up and without missing a beat Natasha threw an elbow into his side, stepped on his foot, spun around and knocked Rhodey to the ground.

“I thought you said we weren’t doing anything crazy,” protested Rhodey.

“You have pads on you big baby. I wanted her to see how easy it was,” said Natasha.

“That was easy?” asked Alison sounding a little skeptical.

“Come on. I’ll show you step by step,” said Natasha. She had Rhodey get up and grab Alison. “Now the key for really selling the faint is how you just slump over. Like you don’t have a bone in your body. Like your whole body is Jell-O,” said Natasha. Alison and Rhodey had their backs to the window, but Natasha could see Steve and Bucky. She couldn’t make out Steve’s expression, but she could read Barnes a thousand miles away. _She gets hurt and someone is going to be sorry._ While Natasha didn’t care for the rumor mill she did listen in and it was hard to ignore how attached he was to her and how she treated him as more of friend than a patient. _Considering how doctors treated him in the past he’s better having a friend help him transition back. Barton did more for me than a whole team of people could._ She did wonder though if he had crossed the line yet. _Does he even realize he loves her yet and is she falling for him back?_ wondered Natasha. She shoved the thoughts aside and went back to teaching Alison how to faint correctly. She just about had down on her fifth try when Steve pounded on the glass. Alison looked stunned to see both men there watching. Steve motioned for them to come out and he looked worried.

“That was Tony. He’s flying here and should be landing in a few minutes. He has Banner with him,” said Steve.

Alison looked over as Natasha’s face lost some color and she wondered if there was any truth to those rumors about the Black Widow and The Hulk.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My high school guidance counselor gave a speech about the adult world and I was very tempted to drag his ass to an office I worked at so he could see childish behavior. 
> 
> I was watching Mean Girls a few weeks ago and when people starting talking about Regina George I couldn’t help but replace it with Natasha Romanoff-Natasha Romanoff is flawless. One time she punched me in the face…it was awesome.
> 
> I might have borrowed the phrase Time Ribbon from Patton Oswalt and his Star Wars Filibuster. 
> 
> Earth 199999 is what the MCU is listed as and most of the comic books take place on Earth-616. Yes I looked it up because I am a nerd!!!!!
> 
> The Honeydrippers Sea of love was the song played at the tacky wedding. The music video screams 80’s!
> 
> Yeah Bruce is back and where was he…next time
> 
> Thoughts are always welcome.


	16. The million dollar question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hints of Agent Carter if you squint

“Are you alright?” asked Steve looking over at Bucky. His face looked so grim and focused it made Steve a little nervous. Steve had been debating teaching the med and support staff how to defend themselves. Granted the odds of them actually being in combat were slim, but considering there had gun fight in the middle of SHIELD and they might need a med team to go out with them on mission it just made sense to give them the basic tools to defend themselves. Natasha had decided to start testing out a program with Alison. She was newest person on staff so training her would be a good way to work out any kinks in the program.

“ I just don’t want her to get hurt,” said Bucky softly and Steve could see him zoning out.  _ They were just little girls and they had them in the most brutal fights. One girl snapped another girl’s neck and another one got her teeth knocked out and I didn’t see her again. She was trained that way. I don’t want… _

“Bucky,” said Steve putting a hand on his shoulder and he came back.

“It’s like when we trained before the war or when we train now. No one gets hurt. Natasha and Rhodey know what they’re doing. They know Alison doesn’t what she’s doing and that’s why they’re teaching her,” explained Steve. Bucky just watched as they tried to teach her how faint. He was so absorbed in watching her he barely heard Steve’s phone go off.

“Hello. Tony? Tony where have you been and…” Steve paused and his eyes got wide. “Why didn’t you tell anyone you were looking for Banner. We would have helped you! How close are you. No the staff is off for tonight and not on the grounds. Cho went home for a month! Well how bad is he? Alright we have David and Alison here and I’ll have them prep for you guys. See you soon,” said Steve and the hung up the phone. 

“Damn it Tony,” muttered Steve. 

“ Did he do something stupid?” asked Bucky.  _ His dad could be really stupid too. _

“Not sure yet,” said Steve. He pounded on the glass and motioned for them to come out. They all came out and Alison looked a bit surprised that he had been watching.

“That was Tony. He’s flying here and should be landing in a few minutes. He has Banner with him,” said Steve.  Bucky noticed Natasha pale a little and Alison looked over at Natasha. 

“How is he?” asked Natasha appearing calm on the surface.

“Beat up according to Tony. Alison head up and tell David we need a room for Banner,” said Steve.

“On it,” said Alison taking off. 

“Sorry I have to ditch you right now, but duty calls.” said Steve. 

“ You are the captain,” said Bucky and he headed back to his room. He was reading the  fourth Harry Potter book and found his mind drifting.  _ Carter was a dame who knew how to fight back. It was weird at first seeing a lady in charge of things.  _ thought Bucky. He still wasn’t sure how he felt about Alison being trained to fight. 

_ You train to fight because you might be in a fight and you might end up hurting someone really bad. She wouldn’t know what to do if she did hurt someone. She’s not a soldier, _ thought Bucky. He knew though, he knew all too well.  _ I hurt people and I never blinked while doing it. _

_ He heard the handlers say something about South America and a journalist who was digging where he shouldn’t be digging. He had to go and so did the office he worked in. Burn it the ground after dark and make sure it looked like a hit. They wanted to scare anyone off from following the other journalist's work. It was really all the same to the Soldier. Missions and targets. The handcuffed him to the floor of the plane by his feet and hands. He was stiff afterwards, but he didn't complain because it was weak. They would get rid of him if he showed weakness. _

Alison found him an hour later zoned out just looking blankly at the wall with the book in his hands. 

“ Bucky,” said Alison and he didn’t respond. Alison went over and touched his shoulder lightly. “Hey,” said Alison and he nearly jumped. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I said your name, but you were in kind of deep,” said Alison. 

“I was just thinking,” said Bucky and Alison nodded.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” asked Alison. 

“Maybe later. How it go upstairs? I assume when they say Banner they mean Bruce Banner. The Hulk,” Alison could see him zoning out again, but he was still talking and the Russian accent became very noticeable to her. “Exposure to Gamma Radiation created the entity known as Hulk. No known weaknesses in the Hulk. Further….” He seemed to snap out of it on his own this time.

“ What did I say just now?” asked Bucky sounding more like his Brooklyn self. He had teased her about her Southern twang coming out on certain words, but she wondered if he heard how he sounded sometimes. When he was very stressed she could hear his Russian accent. When he was calm that Brooklyn accent just took over.  _ Two very different people and it shows, _ thought Alison.

“It sounded a little like a Hydra briefing you might have gone through about the Avengers,” said Alison sitting down on the edge of his bed.

“I really hate doing that,” said Bucky. 

“Well you don’t do it as much as before and you even snapped yourself out of this one,” said Alison.

“So how is he?” asked Bucky.

“He’s had better days,” said Alison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Someone had used Bruce Banner for a punching bag. Both his eyes were blacken, his lip was split and he was was just a series of bruises. He also looked like he tried to do his own stitches on a few cuts and he did them poorly too. They would have be taken out and redone. Alison lost the rock, paper, scissors contest and was removing the old ones and cleaning the cuts before redoing the stitches. She was also working for audience as Natasha stood close by.

“So this might sting for a second,” said Alison as she numbed the area by one of the cuts.

“ I did this before without the benefit of any painkillers so this is plus,” joked Bruce.  _ Well at least someone is trying to cut the tension in this room, _ thought Alison. She could just feel Natasha’s eyes drilling into her as she worked.  _ Alright so maybe some of those rumors were grounded in something. _ She remove a set by his chin and made sure the cut wasn’t infected before stitching it back up.

“So you’re new here,” said Bruce trying very hard to not make eye contact with Natasha. 

“Yeah. Started a few weeks ago. I’m technically a sort of psych nurse,” said Alison.

“So are you here to analyze me too?” said Bruce dryly.

“I’m here because everyone else went out drinking and I lost rock, paper, scissors with David,” said Alison. The cut on his right cheek was deeper and she had feeling it might leave a scar. 

“I never had the patience to listen to other people’s problems,” said Bruce. Natasha let out a hiss of air and Bruce looked over at her annoyed and Alison almost cut him with the scissors.

“Please hold still,” said Alison trying to clean the cut.

“Tony made me come back alright and….” started Bruce.

“We are not going to have this conversation right now,” said Natasha coldly.

“We could call it couple’s counseling,” said Bruce.

“ I don’t think this right time for whatever this is,” said Alison. 

“Alright. Alison what do you call it when someone just takes off and doesn’t tell you where they’re going?” asked Natasha. Before Alison could even formulate a word Bruce was speaking up.

“What do you call it when someone brings out the worst part of yourself and you asked them not too?” asked Bruce.

“Okay we all just need to take a step back and…” before Alison could finish Steve came in.

“Natasha can you come with me please?” asked Steve. The tone clearly implied it was not a request, but an order. Natasha left the room and Bruce let out a sigh.

“Sorry about that. You didn’t need to see all that,” said Bruce settling back in.

“It’s none of my business. Although if you wanted couple’s counseling I prefer to see each of you one on one before trying to bring you two together,” said Alison with a light smile and Bruce shook his head.

“It’s a very long story and there is a killer A.I, a floating city and all sort of craziness,” said Bruce. 

“My sliding scale for what is crazy is pretty open anymore,” said Alison stitching up the cut.

“ Must make your job really hard,” said Bruce as she moved onto a fairly big cut on his arm.  _ Oh that is going to scar, _ thought Alison.

“Well currently I only have one patient,” said Alison. 

“Tony told me you were treating one James Barnes. I see you’re still in one piece so it must be going alright,” said Bruce. 

“I haven’t had to break out the zapper in two weeks so that’s a plus,” said Alison threading a needle. “You seem like a pretty patience guy,” said Alison more to herself than to Bruce.

“I was so patience that when my funding got cut I opted to use myself as a test subject. You seem nice, but I’m not in the mood to be analyzed,” said Bruce and Alison flushed a little.

“No I mean….I read a little bit of how you made the Lullaby. Well what Pepper could send me. I guess things are still a little messy after the bad A.I. I heard it about from Steve and wanted to know if it could be done with Bucky. It took patience to come up with that,” said Alison.

“Or a desire to not have Tony use a mech suit on me. I could try to find my old notes if you want. Didn’t think it would be useful for another person when I did it,” said Bruce.

“Well he does zone out and sometimes it leads to really violent outbursts. It’s why Tony made me a zapper. I’m really not fond of it though,” said Alison. It was necessary to control him in case he got really violent, but if there was another way she wanted to give it a chance. “When I heard about the Lullaby it sounded really promising. And we’re done,” said Alison finishing up the stitches.   

“I will praise your stitch work. Do you sew?” asked Bruce.

“I used to work in an ER in Midtown,” said Alison peeling off the gloves and she buzzed for David. He came in holding the x-rays they had taken before getting started. 

“Wow you still look like shit,” said David.

“Is that a medical diagnosis?” asked Bruce.

“It’s in the new CPT code book. Actually they have a whole section dedicated to various levels of looking like shit,” said David. He held up the x-rays and frowned.

“Well you only broke two ribs so that’s a plus,” said David.

“I lost another tooth,” said Bruce and David shook his head,

“I’m a nurse not a dentist. You can see him in the morning. Right now you’re going to bed and we’re going to give you something sweet and numbing for those ribs,” said David.

“I’m already a little numb in places from the stitches. No more drugs,” said Bruce. 

“Let me get you an ice pack for your whole face,” said Alison. She went to go find an ice pack and heard Steve and Tony going back and forth at each other and decided to not to even poke that bear. She found an ice pack and walked quickly back to Bruce’s room. 

“Are mom and dad still fighting?” asked David.

“Which one is mom?” asked Alison. 

“Depends on the day and who Tony is bickering with,” said Bruce letting out a groan when he put the ice pack on his face. 

“Well I’ll stay on watch until someone comes in. See you in the morning,” said David. 

“It’s was nice to meet you Dr. Banner,” said Alison.

“Sorry it wasn’t under better circumstances,”said Bruce. Alison walked quickly back to her room as Natasha decided to toss her hat in the ring during the Tony and Steve bickering fest. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“So what is this Lullaby thing?” asked Bucky. He sat up so Alison could sit on the bed more.

“Well when Banner goes Hulk he sometimes slips out of himself. Like you do when you get really mad. The Lullaby brings him back to being Banner again. Steve said it was a pass phrase and hand motion. I thought it might be something we could work out instead of me zapping you. It’s worth a shot,” said Alison and he could tell she was mulling over something.

“Are you over thinking right now?” asked Bucky and she let out a sigh.

“Well when I was going over all the Hydra stuff they had on you they mentioned something about a pass phrase used to subdue you, however they left out what it was or if there was only one. I brought it up to Steve when I read about it and he said that was all he knew too. That was when the Lullaby was brought up. I’m sort of hoping if we can make this Lullaby thing work it might undo or overwrite some of that shitty Hydra mind control that still might be in there,” said Alison tapping his forehead lightly.

“ I waited for them to come get me after I didn’t kill Steve, no one did though. I still don’t know why. I knew there were other locations I could have reported too and I didn’t. A part of me thought about it, but I didn’t want too. I wanted to know who Bucky was and than I just didn’t want to be found for a while,” said Bucky.  _ I was a bad man who tried to kill his best friend and too many other people to think of. _

“The longer you stayed out of cryo the more your brain tried to fix the damage done. It’s why they used ECT on you. To wipe your memory and then get you back to sleep before your brain could repair itself. The longer you were out the more control you had over yourself,” said Alison.

“ECT? You mean the chair,” said Bucky darkly.

“Yeah. Sorry. Sometimes hiding behind the language makes what happened to you a little easier to stomach. Not much though,” said Alison. 

“I really was worthless to them since they never came to get me,” said Bucky trying to smile a little, but it didn’t reach his eyes. 

“Or they just forgot you were out. It was really crazy after the fall of SHIELD. I was still in the hospital at the time. We weren’t allowed to watch the news in the common room and we didn’t get newspapers for a while. I found out a little bit from my one on one doctor and a lot more from Sophia and Renee. The hospital didn’t want news that our government was secretly run by a Nazi death cult to get out. It might have proved some people right,” whispered Alison with a grin and even Bucky had to grin a little and it sort of reached his eyes.

“So how was your day with Steve?” asked Alison.

“It was fine. We watched Titanic. What you guys have done in movies is amazing. Steve said some of the stuff was done by computers and it all looked real,” said Bucky. “The end bothered me a little bit...she tossed the diamond in the water that the guy was looking for. That was an ugly piece of jewelry by the way,” said Bucky.

“I will have you know that many girls in the class had copies of that necklace. Myself included. I think I saw in theaters like three times. I had a little crush on the Leonardo...alright a huge one,” admitted Alison when she saw Bucky raise an eyebrow.

“The end sort of made me feel weird and we went for a walk. They were all frozen and I remembered being un-thawed . It was always so cold when I woke up,” said Bucky and Alison nodded. “Steve and I sort talked about what we talk about. I didn’t tell him about...you know that,” said Bucky and she nodded.

“You can tell him whenever you feel like it. That was step in the right direction though,” said Alison. 

“I used to tell Steve everything and now I have think it through. I don’t want to hurt him,” said Bucky.

“He’s your friend and you want to keep him safe. It’s what you always did for him,” said Alison. Bucky went to say something when Steve came in.

“Banner said I should give you a bonus for your stitch work,” said Steve. 

“ I accept gift cards,” joked Alison getting off the bed. She wasn’t going to bring up Natasha and Banner’s little spat or that she overheard him and Tony bickering.  _ Oh if I had a private practice those four would make my salary and then some, _ thought Alison. She imagined Tony and Steve had power struggles within the team  _ Two alpha males trying to share leadership is bound to cause friction _ and well she couldn’t even begin to guess the Natasha and Banner situation.  _ They clearly had a thing of some sort, _ thought Alison.

“I’m gonna go for a swim and call it a night. You boys behave,” said Alison. She left the room and Steve gave him a smirk. 

“I think that might be the first time I’ve ever seen a girl in your bed and she was still fully dressed,” teased Steve and even Bucky blushed a little. 

“Was I really that way with all girls? I mean I sort of remember girls...I wrote it down and I talked about it with Alison a little bit. It just doesn’t feel real sometimes. The only girl that really stands out is Georgina and…” Bucky cut himself off and Steve could see all the humor leave his face. 

“You kept calling Alison that when we first brought you in. Can I ask who she was?” asked Steve.

“ She...I…” Bucky took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m not ready to tell you everything about her, but I can tell she a classy lady and I really liked her. A lot. She was my Carter,” said Bucky.  _ Steve never got to tell Carter and all I got to have with Georgina is one very quick moment of passion. I told her I thought I loved her...I wish I would have left the thought out of it. I did love her. _ Steve sat down and Bucky looked at how sad Steve was. 

“You never got to really tell her. I know how much that sucks. I did get to kiss Carter and we actually had plans for date before I flew a ship into the ocean,” said Steve. Bucky sighed and looked at his friend.

“I was only ‘dead’ for a few days and you go off and do the dumbest thing possible. Thought the serum was supposed to make people smarter…” he dropped off again and Steve waited until he came back. 

“ How do you put up with me doing that? It pisses me off,” said Bucky his hands turning into fists.  _ Stupid god damn memories. I really hate them sometimes. _

“If our situations were different and I had been brainwashed by Hydra you would put up with me. You are also my best friend. That’s why I ‘put up’ with it,” Bucky sighed and looked down at the book. 

“It’s nice to know somethings haven’t changed,” said Bucky.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


“So we’re going to try to do somethings a little different now,” said Alison. She sat her notebook down and a small tape recorder. “Since we’re going to be talking about your experiences in combat leading up to your captivity with Hydra. We’re going talk about it differently than we did when we were trying to recall your pre war memories. Those memories were less upsetting so I want you to recall those whenever you feel like since they cause you less stress,” said Alison. 

“I was happy,” said Bucky more to himself than to Alison, but she still nodded. 

“We’re going to do a mix of two types of therapy. One is called Cognitive Processing and the other is called Exposure Therapy. We’ve been doing a little jury rigged form of the Exposure Therapy when we would have you listen to old music or watch old movies. Trying to jog the old memories. Some forms of Exposure Therapy have you face the environment that caused the trauma. Like walking down an alley or being in a huge crowd. In your case though that might not be the best,” said Alison.

“You aren’t going to strap me to a table with a bunch of lab coats?” said Bucky dryly.

“No.  I want you to try and remember a stressful event from the war or from your time with Hydra. You’ll tell me what happened and you’ll just repeat the story at least four times. I’m going to record what you say and we’ll listen to it before we go at least twice and I would like you to listen it on your own,” said Alison and he barely held a glare back.

“ Why?” he asked.  _ Isn’t remembering it once enough? _ thought Bucky. 

“Because right now the stressful memories have the most control over you. By doing this you’re facing what it is, how you feel and giving it less power. It’s putting you back in control,” said Alison. 

Bucky sighed deeply and got up to pace the room.  He had slept poorly and he couldn’t remember what he had dreamed about.  _ Figures I either remember everything with crystal clarity or I can’t remember a damn thing, _ thought Bucky. 

“The other is Cognitive Processing. Sometimes after a trauma people get stuck on a certain idea-like it was there fault, they deserved it, they shouldn’t be happy anymore, they shouldn’t trust people, and so on. This is to help you find the idea or ideas you’re stuck on and help you think them through and not think that way anymore,” explained Alison.  

“Is there more? You said things,” said Bucky.

“I want to start next week adding in some exercises to help you deal with the assaults you  experienced when you were with Hydra. Some of them need a partner. I was wondering if you would be alright with Steve coming into help?” asked Alison and he whipped around to face her.

“No. No Steve! Not here. I thought you said I didn’t have to tell him and….”

“The exercises are about touch and relearning what it’s alright. It’s about trust. You trust Steve on a very deep level and we could find a way to keep what happened private,” said Alison.

“I trust you. Can you do them with me?” asked Bucky softly and he could see her trying to think it though.

“ You would really, really, really have to trust me. I would have to you touch you and it might be really intense at times,” said Alison. Bucky went over to the window to think. He wasn’t ready for Steve to know what happened to him. He didn’t mind when Alison touched him.  _ She’s never looked at you the way they did when they hurt you that way. I can trust her. _

“ I’ve already trusted you this much. What’s a little more trust,” said Bucky. Alison nodded and went to say something when he made a decision.  _ Let’s just jump off the damn deep end, _ thought Bucky.

“Can we just do one these ‘exercises’ now so I know what to expect?” asked Bucky. 

“I want you to read through them first before we try them. That way you know what’s going to happen. For now we’re just going to talk about Italy. Can you please sit down?” asked Alison. He did and she picked up her notebook and turned on the tape recorder. 

“Now I want you to close your eyes. When we finished last week you and the 107th had made it to Italy. Can you tell what it was like when you first got there?” asked Alison. He sighed and tried to find something he could hang on to.

“It was cold and it rained a lot….it was hard to stay dry. When we did get break in the rain you could see the stars the sky was so clear. You could never see them in the city,” said Bucky. “Of course the break in the rain brought out everyone…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


B company had been with them and were supposed to give them cover from the Germans. However once the fighting started it was panic. Pure and simple panic. The sky that had once been so clear was now hidden under smoke-gun smoke, smoke from a fires, someone shot a flare and that blotted out the stars and the full moon. His heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest. He looked to his right and noticed that Private Deon was no longer next to him.  _ Shit, _ thought Bucky throwing himself into a hole for cover. The attack had been sudden and it was every man for himself. Bucky couldn’t find the Captain or his second once the fighting started, he had grabbed the private who had been on the ground shaking and had ordered him to run. Seconds later Dugan and Gabe threw themselves in his hole for cover.

“We have five companies out there,” said Dugan holding on his hat.

“ Call B company and tell them we need cover,” shouted Bucky. Gabe was only a few inches away, but Bucky’s ears were ringing and something else just exploded nearby. Gabe held up the radio that had been blasted by gun shot.  _ Probably saved his life for a another couple of minutes, _ thought Bucky. 

“Behind you!” cried Dugan and Bucky turned and shot blindly There was too much smoke and it was hard to see who was who. A tank round went off blasting another hole near them. The ground shook with the force of it and the smell of burnt earth and smoke was overwhelming. Bucky ordered them to take cover even though they didn’t have much cover to take. The smoke cleared a little bit, enough for him to see the Germans advancing on them. He, Dugan, Gabe and two other men starting shooting and Bucky saw two of the Germans fall. 

_ Please God send reinforcements. I don’t wanna die out here, _ thought Bucky and he took another shot. From out of nowhere came a blue light that wiped out the ten men in front of them. Bucky stared in shock as the blue light took out the rest of the Germans who were running away.  _ What. What. What was that? Where did it come from? _ He couldn’t see the bodies only smoke from where they had been. The men near him started cheering, but Bucky could just feel something in the pity of his stomach.  _ Something isn’t right. I’ve never seen a weapon do that before. _

“That looks new,” said Dugan has more blue light went off. A tank came over a hill and it wasn’t like any of the tanks he had seen before. The barrel pointed down at them and a huge whirling sound started coming out the tank.

“Duck!” screamed Bucky. He, Dugan and Gabe all threw themselves into the hole and the ground shook even more this time. Bucky spit out dirt and could barely hear a voice telling them in German and than in English they needed to surrender. 

Those who were still intact were rounded up. Those who had been wounded were shot. Any medic who tried to give aid was shot. The surviving company captains and their first lieutenants were shot in front of them. They shot all of them with guns that gave off a blue light. No bodies to left behind. It dawned on Bucky he was now the highest ranking member of the 107th here.  _ You are now in charge here. You are responsible for all these people. _

“ My name is Colonel Lohmer. You now are all prisoners of Hydra,” he called out.  _ Hydra. The science people? _ thought Bucky. They had briefings on Hydra and that they had few units, but nothing like this.  _ They shot their own people. What they hell are they going to do with us? _ thought Bucky. They started walking and that was when Bucky spotted Private Deon. He had been shot with a normal gun and half his head was missing.  _ He was from Boston and the youngest of seven kids. His sister just sent him photos of her first kid. I’m so sorry kid.  _ Much later when Bucky was strapped to a lab table he would think back to Private Deon and envy how quick his death was.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Here,” said Alison handing him a tissue after he repeated the story for the last. He hadn’t been aware he was crying.

“Thanks,” she turned off the recorder and looked at him. “So how do you feel now after that last retelling?” asked Alison. The first time he told it he had been angry. Why didn’t they try to fight back more. They had just been frozen in fear. He could almost recalling tasting dirt in mouth and asked Alison for some water. 

“Empty. Like it happened to someone else and not me. I just...when we pulled the trigger on the Germans it was because they were going to kill us. Hydra killed their own people and it still doesn’t make sense why they spared us and killed their own people. Why did they let us live?” asked Bucky. Alison didn’t say anything and he glared at her before speaking in a low voice. “I would really like a goddamn answer.” 

“I don’t have a good one for you.  I’ve heard some of the vets I grew up around say they got out by dumb luck. Some of it might have been dumb luck. Some of it might have been their training. It might have been both that got you through combat and through the camp. Part of this is just having to accept there is no good answer for the why of things. The thing you need to look to is what to do now. To understand you couldn’t have done anything different,” said Alison. He was suddenly so mad at her. He had to dig both his hands into the chair to keep them off her. 

“ Why am I even talking to you about this? You haven’t served a day in your life! Steve got me a goddamn civilian,” snapped Bucky. The whole battle was so fresh in his mind it made his head hurt. He had remembered it before. Bits and pieces that made no sense and now it was all there and it still made no sense to him.  _ She doesn’t know what it’s like to have the guy next to you go down and have their blood on you. To not think before killing. Why did I agree to this? _ wondered Bucky.

“Do you want me to get Steve?” asked Alison calmly. 

“I want to know why I’m alive,” snapped Bucky. 

“ I don’t have the answer. It’s something that needs to be found,” said Alison. He got up and stormed out of the office. Slamming the door behind him and nearly breaking the door frame. Alison sighed and fought the urge to go after him. He needed his space for the moment and she was going to let him have it.  _ I wish I did have an answer for you, _ thought Alison. She got up to look out the window and saw Bucky walking across the lawn before sitting down on a bench. She saw Sam approach him and knew this might be good him.  _ Someone else who doesn’t have the answer, _ thought Alison. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


Bucky stormed outside and was half away across the field when he realized she hadn’t come after him.  _ What the damn hell? _ Part of him had wanted her to come after him so maybe he could yell at her some more about how she didn’t know anything.  _ I want someone to be confused too. _ The other part had wanted her to come after him because she did have answer and she was going to give to him now.  _ I need to know why? _ thought Bucky. He sat down on a bench with his head in his hands.  _ I don’t know why I’m alive and she won’t tell me. Maybe she really doesn’t know. She can’t know everything.  _ The voice that spoke up was so calm he actually looked around to see if someone had spoken up. He was alone and he put his head back in his hands. 

“I just want to know why. I just want to know why,” muttered Bucky. 

“Can I sit down?” Bucky looked up to see Sam standing there. Bucky shrugged and Sam took a seat. 

“You guys taking a break?” asked Sam and Bucky shrugged. “Yeah she can be a pain in the ass sometimes. She means well, but she can be annoying,” said Sam. Bucky had to look over to see how serious he was. 

“I’ve known her almost my whole life. I’m entitled to call her an ass,” said Sam with a smile.

“I’ve never heard anyone call a lady an ass before,” said Bucky and Sam laughed.

“Ally a lady...clearly she never told you about her Spring Break down in Mexico our first year of college. Surprised they had had tequila left when she done,” said Sam. Bucky shrugged and Sam looked at him. 

“In all seriousness she does mean well,” said Sam.

“She doesn’t get it. What it was like to be a war,” said Bucky without realizing it and Sam sighed. 

“ Well she does in some ways and in others she doesn’t. No one can really understand unless you’re there and live it everyday. She’ll try her best though for you,” said Sam. Bucky looked down and saw the dog tags and felt something hit him.  _ These were her dad’s. She told Steve about her dad. I don’t remember it all though. _ He honestly forgot at times he still had these. He kept meaning to give them back and he would just forget. 

“Did he die over there?” asked Bucky and Sam shook his head. 

“He came home, but he never really came back. The year before me and my mom moved to New York, Alison was living her dad and grandfather. Her grandfather had to take his students on some school trip and he left for the weekend. Ally’s dad dropped her off at school Friday morning and didn’t come back to pick her up. She spent the weekend with my aunt and Renee. He just disappeared. They found him in Ohio when she was ten, he died of pneumonia. He was homeless and clearly had a really bad and untreated case of depression and PTSD,” said Sam. Bucky started twisting the dog tags. 

“ We were talking about a battle and she wouldn’t tell me why I was still alive,” said Bucky. Somehow saying it to Sam made him feel childish and small.  Sam had been in the Air Force from what he had told Bucky.  _ He knows what war is like, _ thought Bucky.

“The million dollar question. If she did have the answer I’m sort of pissed she didn’t give to me or know it herself when she went off the rails. No one knows and it’s really sucks,” said Sam. 

“You lost someone too,” said Bucky and Sam nodded. 

“It was a basic op and there was nothing I could do to save him. If the missile had been six or seven inches to the right we wouldn’t be talking right now. I was so mad and confused about it. I had to get out and the hardest moment of my life was walking through the camp to the Red Cross tent where the combat fatigue specialist was to tell him I was done and needed an out before I did something really stupid,” said Sam. Bucky looked up at the sky and it was so blue it was a little unreal. 

“I just...I don’t what I want. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, She told me I had to find it,” said Bucky and Sam sighed. 

“Sometimes we never find it. The important thing is to keep trying to find it,” said Sam.

“What was your reason?” asked Bucky.

“I think it’s this. It’s a different sort of war we’re in now, but I get help try to keep things normal and safe for people,” said Sam.

“And if I never find mine?” asked Bucky.

“You just started looking. Give it time,” said Sam. Bucky sighed and looked at Sam.

“I have to go back in there...I might have broken the door to Alison’s office,” said Bucky.

“At least she wasn’t driving,” said Sam. Bucky saw the slight look of amusement in his eyes.

“Sorry about that,” said Bucky feeling a little embarrassed .

“ Steering wheel right out my hands. If I hadn’t been driving that move might have been really cool,” said Sam. “Come on I’ll take you back in,” said Sam. They went back inside and found the office door was open and Alison was talking with Tony and another man Bucky hadn’t seen before. Tony was sitting in his chair and the man was sitting next to Alison showing her a stack of notes. She was listening very intently and taking her own notes. For some reason he felt this knot in his stomach seeing her so physically close to someone who wasn’t Steve or Sam.  _ What the hell is this about? _ wondered Bucky. The man looked like he had been beaten to a near pulp, but he also seemed very focused on the notes.

“So he would have to be hypnotized. Have you ever done that?” he asked.

“It wasn’t a required class,” said Alison with a light smile and the man let out a small laugh. 

“I’m certified to do it. I was really bored one fall semester,” he said. 

“He’s only been able to do it on himself. He tied it on me once and it didn’t work,” said Tony.

“That’s what he thinks,” said the man softly and Alison had to fight back a laugh. Sam knocked on the open door.

“Sorry to break up the nerd meeting,” said Sam. Alison looked up and it was hard to read her expression.

“Hiya Tin Man,” said Tony. He got up and held out a small box to Bucky. “I got you a present when I was away.” Bucky took confused and opened it. The box contained a jumble of letters and numbers in different colors.

“What is it?” asked Bucky.

“Magnets!” Tony took a letter B and it stuck to his left arm.

“Dude really?” asked Sam. The other man hung his head and muttered something Bucky couldn’t make out. Alison stood up, went over to Tony has he stuck a U on his left arm and took the box away.

“Knock it off,” she said in a tone that spoke to not argue with her.

“But you can stick little notes to his arm now,” said Tony and Alison sighed.

“ I need to speak with him and Bruce about some private issues,” said Alison giving him a look. It was a look that reminded Bucky of his own mother.  _ I wonder if there is a class that teaches women how to give that super annoyed looked so when they become moms that can just toss it out when needed, _ thought Bucky.

“Fine. I should give Steve is present before I leave. Pepper has been blowing up my phone. Clearly I was missed and she wants to welcome me home like a loving girlfriend in the movies. Have fun with Oz kids,” said Tony taking his leave. Alison shook her head and Sam took the box from her.

“These might actually be fun for you,” said Sam and he stuck C, K and Y on his arm. 

“Please stop that,” said Bucky and Sam gave a little smirk.

“I’ll leave you all too whatever it is you do,” said Sam and he shut the door. 

“Are you alright now?” asked Alison and Bucky nodded.

“Sorry I snapped at you,” said Bucky. She reached over to take the letters off his arm.

“It’s alright. Did you talk to Sam?” asked Alison and he nodded.

“ Yeah...I shouldn’t snap at you. You’re trying,” said Bucky. He didn’t like what he remember and she was remembering with him.  _ It’s in her head now too. I don’t like it my head and someone else has it in their head, _ thought Bucky.

“I’m not mad at you. I know that was really hard for you to go back and talk about. You did it though and it’s a step in the right direction,” said Alison. Bucky went to speak up when the other man cleared his throat.

“I’m sorry about Tony. He has poor tastes when it comes to gifts,” he said coming over to them.

“Bucky this Bruce Banner,” said Alison. Bruce offered a hand and Bucky took it with a bit of hesitance.

“Who did that?” asked Bucky nodding his head at the various bruises on Bruce.

“Some locals who wanted my money. Sadly I didn’t have any,” said Bruce.

“You just let them?” asked Bucky confused and Bruce shrugged.

“I didn’t want the attention. Sadly Tony is like a hound dog and once he figured out how to deactivate the Quinn Jet’s stealth programming from home he was off trying to find me. Somehow talked me into coming back here and working as a teacher instead of an Avenger,” said Bruce.

“When the classes start myself and a few others will be learning under Bruce,” explained Alison when she saw Bucky looked a little confused. 

“And our first lesson starts now,” said Bruce. They all took a seat and Bruce let Alison take the lead. This was her patient after all.

“So we talked last night about trying out the Lullaby and Bruce is going to help me do it. We’re going to have to hypnotize you so we can plant a suggestion and a hand signal that you’ll remember no matter what is going on. When it happens you’ll remember who you really are and stop whatever it is you’re doing,” said Alison.

“ Will it overwrite what Hydra did before? I sort of remember a man and then it gets hazy,” said Bucky.  _ Zola was there and standing over him was a tall bald man and he spoke softly to Bucky and he could just feel himself floating away. _

“It might take several sessions of hypnosis before we can try to undo the Hydra suggestions. They’ve been in there awhile, but you have fought back against them which does mean they’re not as strong as before,” said Alison. “I really wasn’t sure the best way to go about undoing that. It seemed more important to get you to a state of normal before trying to open that door,” explained Alison and she looked over at Bruce who nodded for her to go on. 

She might still be learning but she wasn’t stupid or naive about what she was doing. She was trying to undo a huge ball string that had barb wire around it. Trying to figure out what issue to tackle first wasn’t a task Bruce envied her having. She simply took the one she could grab first and understood, his broken memories.  _ If we can get those sorted out then everything should fall into place, _ is what she told him. He asked her if she had considered bring Wanda in to get into his head and she frowned.

“ I thought about when they told me what her powers were, but she’s gone through enough in her life. To have her dig around in his head might hurt them both,” said Alison. He could sort see her point. To rush recovery might actually hurt him in the long run.  _ To have to remember everything all at once is really terrible, _ thought Bruce. At first when he became the Hulk the memories were scattered and made no sense. After a while it they did come back or he saw footage of what he had done it was like being slapped in the face and all he wanted to do was shut down and forget what happened. Remembering was a special form of Hell.  

“If we were to try to hypnotize you it might bring out more memories. I had considered it, but I really wasn’t sure it was the best course and I was still learning about it when I sort of got kicked out of school. Based on the Hydra files though you were subjected to some hypnosis before and I wasn’t sure how comfortable you would be with it,” said Alison. 

“I would teach her how do it and if you felt comfortable with it she could add it into the therapy mix,” said Bruce. Bruce watched the former assassin sit back and think.

“I’m not sure...I mean the Lullaby thing would be easier than being shocked, but I don’t know if I wanna talk when I’m under like that...I need to think about it first,” said Bucky.

“ I’m going to be here for awhile so take all the time you need. I’ll let you two get back to your session,” said Bruce and he showed himself out. Teaching wasn’t something he had considered, he was a doer.  _ Those who can’t do teach, _ was something that was tossed out without much thought, but he had great respect for teachers. They influenced people into making the world better.  _ I could really help here, _ thought Bruce. He went to walk down to the labs to see what was happening when he spotted Natasha doing a fighting demo. She always made everything look so damn effortless and she looked so sure of herself in this moment. He envied that too. He walked away and thought about what he had told Alison about how he picked Natasha for the Lullaby.

_ It had to be someone the Hulk didn’t consider a serious threat. I...I mean he didn’t consider her a threat. _ Bruce kept walking and wondered how much of threat the Winter Solider considered Alison to be. Bucky had this look in his eyes when he apologized to her, like he wanted to say something and it was stuck.  _ Did Natasha have that look and I just never noticed it? I think I might have screwed up, but after Betty...I can’t risk it. _

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


“So he would have to teach you,” said Bucky.

“Yeah,” said Alison.

“Would he be here if we had sessions while I was under?” asked Bucky. 

“ Not unless you wanted him here. He’s not a shrink, but he’s really smart and this might be really helpful in future. I had thought about, but like I said I wasn’t sure if I could do it or if it should be done considering your past with it. I really don’t want to do anything they did,” said Alison. He thought about it. On one hand he would give up control to go under for this Lullaby thing to work. However if was Alison or Steve who held the control they wouldn’t misuse it and he knew that more than anything. He had to trust Banner to teach her. _ I was a subject before for a student and a teacher. A man and woman...I can’t see their faces. _

“You can take all the time you need to think those over. If you feel up to it we could listen to the tape or we could talk about something else,” said Alison.

“ Let’s play the tape...I am sorry I yelled at you. This is isn’t easy is it...for you. It’s not easy for you either,” said Bucky.  _ What’s it like to sit there and listen to me talk about killing and war? To not be mad or walk away no matter what I say or do? _ thought Bucky.

“I agreed to do this and I knew it wasn’t going to be to easy. However if you ever want to talk to anyone else I’ll understand,” said Alison. 

“ I asked for you though. We both might as well see this through together,” said Bucky. Alison nodded and hit play on the recorder.  _ Till the end of the line, _ thought Bucky. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here are so many fan drawings of people sticking magnets on Bucky's arm it's a little funny. Somehow I see Tony thinking it was a good gift for Bucky.  
> I wish they would have explained the Lullaby more-sadly it was just glossed over.   
> The Battle of Azzano was a great two minute deleted scene from the 1st Captain America movie-once again things that were sadly glossed over. 
> 
> Love it, hate, it-thoughts are always welcome


	17. Who are you

“It’s a little funny,” said Natasha with a smirk.

“Tell me you got pictures,” said Sam and Steve looked annoyed.

“No I did not take pictures of my shield covered in shiny magnets,” said Steve and Natasha sighed in disappointment.

“Tony and his poor gift giving skills. There was a year he tried doing the Twelve Days of Christmas for Pepper. I think she might have snapped when the six maids a milking were French models that brought real cows into the Tower,” said Rhodey and Steve shook his head.

“The three French Hens didn’t set her off?” asked Steve.

“He didn’t get me shiny magnets. I’m a little jealous now,” said Bucky. Steve had found Tony’s gift this afternoon when he went to get his shield for a combat demo. His shield had been covered in red, white and blue magnets. To say Steve was not amused was an understatement at best.

“What?” asked Steve.

“I just plastic letters and numbers for my arm. Clearly he likes you more,” said Bucky.

            “Wait he did what?” asked Rhodey stunned and Bucky explained how Tony also got him magnets for his arm.

            “Oh Tony,” said Natasha and she went back to her dinner.

            “His dad was better at gift giving,” said Bucky and they all sort of looked at him stunned. He was normally very quiet during meals. Having him speak up was a surprise to everyone.

            “What did he get you guys?” asked Sam.

            “The best booze one could get on the European Front. Even after the Black Swan burnt down we had booze. It made dealing with Dugan easier sometimes. He got us cigars and...I used to smoke didn’t I?” asked Bucky looking at Steve.

            “Well everyone did back then to calm their nerves. I never got to though. The serum heals cells so fast though so any calming effect from the nicotine was wasted on me,” said Steve. Bucky could recall after he got out the camp he would have to smoke three or four cigarettes in a row to feel anything. _That explains things,_ thought Bucky.

            “Same goes for drinking. We can’t get drunk,” said Steve and Bucky rolled his eyes. _That explains why I was able to hold my liquor better afterwards,_ thought Bucky.

            “It wasn’t enough to brainwash me into a trained monkey they had to ruin drinking for me too. Bastards,” said Bucky. Natasha seemed to be the only one who really appreciated the joke.

            “Oh if and when Thor comes back he’ll bring you something to knock you into tipsy,” said Natasha.

            “That poor old man who woke up the next morning with a hangover the size of Texas and the Tower trashed. He was pissed that he missed the ‘good party’,” said Rhodey. Alison came up to Sam looking slightly flustered.

            “I need to see for a moment,” said Alison.

            “Oh honey if you want to make those rumors true you could take me out dinner first,” said Sam with a wink. Alison gave his chair a quick kick and rolled her eyes.

            “Why don’t I just throw you the table and really give people a show? This is serious and I need you to see something,” hissed Alison.

            “Alright. Keep your purple polka dotted panties on,” said Sam. They left the mess hall and Natasha smirked.

            “Well that wasn’t at all suspicious or weird,” said Natasha.  

“Maybe Tony left more magnets somewhere,” said Rhodey. They finished dinner when Steve’s phone buzzed. It was a text from Sam telling Steve he needed to meet them in the music room now.

“Oh let’s see what else the younger Stark has done,” said Steve sounding a little amused. It wasn’t Tony’s doing this time, it was Pepper’s. She had sent Tony’s drum set to Alison. Alison looked torn between sheer joy and all out panic.

“I can’t accept this! This is easily a five thousand dollar drum set. These take months to make. That’s not counting replacement costs it something breaks. Tony is going to fire me once he finds out I have his drum set,” protested Alison. She handed Steve the note Pepper had sent her and Steve read it out loud.

“Hell hath no fury like a woman who has been worried out of her mind for two weeks. Fury comes in the form of having access to all the worldly possessions the worry causer has. Besides he never plays them. They just sit around collecting dust and its one less thing for the cleaning staff to deal with. It will be nice to know someone is going to use them as intended. Consider this a signing on bonus. Have fun-Pepper,” said Steve looked very amused.

“Well I think these are now your drums and I won’t let Tony fire you,” said Steve.

“Besides we pay really well here. You can afford the replacements costs,” said Sam elbowing her. Bucky didn’t know anything about drums, but this was a really pretty set to look at it. The casing was shiny blue that went into black. It looked brand new and Alison seemed in awe of it.

“I know drummers who would sell their first, second and third born for this set. It’s a Masterwork set. They have to be custom ordered,” said Alison touching one of the drums.

“You played these before though,” said Bucky recalling the night he threatened her when they were at the Tower. It was the first time he tried to apologize to her. _She told me I could keep the tags as long as I wanted too,_ thought Bucky.

“Yeah. Tony and Pepper asked me to and even then it felt a little unreal to be playing them,” said Alison. Sam raised an eyebrow at this statement. He hadn’t seen Alison pick up her drumsticks since Matt’s death. He was happy that she was expressing an interest to play the drums again.

“So how rusty are you?” teased Sam and Alison gave him a look before picking up the drumsticks that came with the set.

“Does this sound rusty to you?” asked Alison and she went into Maria by Blondie without missing a beat.  

“I take it back,” said Sam holding up in his hands in mock surrender

“The old man did not have me playing for an hour before school, two hours after school, and four hours on the weekends. We won’t even get into the camps and  countless live summer shows I did for me to ever be rusty,” said Alison. Her hands did hurt a little though. She would get used to that again though.

“He took it pretty seriously than?” asked Steve and Alison laughed.

“That is an understatement. He actually got me a fake I.D at fourteen so I could work in bars during the summer. Summer vacations in Niagara Falls were always a fun-I worked five to six nights a week with a bunch of guys my grandpa knew from his time overseas. I was the only kid making two hundred bucks a week tax free during the summer,” said Alison with a small hint of pride.  

“What did you with the money?” asked Bucky.

"Banked most of it. I used a large chunk of it when I was Junior and did an exchange program. It was mostly Spain, but I got to see a little bit of France. I did work during the school year on weekends so that covered my clothes and going out cash. Wow I don’t think I ever asked him for non-school related stuff until I wanted to get married,” said Alison a little stunned as it hit her.

“Lucky girl never had a flip a burger. Makes me sick,” said Sam and Alison gave him a playful kick.

“We offered you chance to get in on the action. You did play a mean tambourine,” said Alison.

“So how does this work?” asked Bucky. Alison got up and started explaining parts of the drum set to Bucky and Steve could see his friend was absorbed in this and he should just leave him be. Sam knew Alison could ramble on for hours about drums caught Steve’s eye and both men left the room unnoticed by their respective best friends.

“So he really drilled on you this? Your grandfather?” asked Bucky and Alison nodded.

“I started when I was six. Before and after school and god hours during the weekend and school breaks. He taught music and clearly I was his master project,” said Alison.

“You didn’t become a musician though,” said Bucky a little confused.

“I love music, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do forever,” said Alison.

“Did your parents play music?” asked Bucky and Alison shook her head quickly.

“My parents didn’t have the hands or lungs for it. They liked music, but they were more of listening variety,” said Alison. She sounded a little sad talking about her parents so he let the subject drop. Still he was curious about where she came from. Other than her friendship with Sam, her love of music, and her life after her fiancé died she was still sort of a mystery to him. _She knows my whole life, including how I like my eggs and still I don’t know much about her._ He decided he was going to have to fix that. _Ask her something about herself for a change,_ thought Bucky

“So what’s an exchange student?” asked Bucky and she turned a little pink. _She forgot that you’ve missed out on the last couple of decades,_ thought Bucky. He found he didn’t mind all that much. It was nice to be thought of as normal for a second.

“Oh um….I signed up to go with some other kids from my school and we went to a high school in Spain for a semester, about four months I think,” said Alison and Bucky just sort of blinked.

“How old were you?” asked Bucky.

“I turned seventeen when I was over there,” said Alison and he just stared. “What?” asked Alison.

“I couldn’t imagine letting Becca go to another state, let alone another country when she was seventeen. How did you sweet talk your grandfather into letting you go?” asked Bucky.

“I had really good grades and stayed out of trouble so he figured I would behave myself on a school trip,” said Alison.

“Did you?” asked Bucky leaning in and Alison grinned.

“I might have snuck out to beach party one night, drank some really bad French wine and made out with a guy name Ian,” whispered Alison and Bucky mocked looking shocked.

“You hussy. Wait do people still say hussy?” asked Bucky and Alison laughed.

“I think it’s making a comeback,” said Alison. It got quiet between them and neither one of them seemed to know what to say next. Alison sighed and it seemed to bring her back.

“I know today was kind of intense, but you seem to be dealing really well,” said Alison and Bucky nodded.

“Good days and bad days right,” said Bucky and Alison nodded. She touched the drum set and sighed.

“I’ll have to play with you later. Mom has homework,” said Alison thinking of the e-books about hypnosis Bruce had sent her.

“Sucks doesn’t it?” asked Bucky. She mocked glared at him and they went upstairs. She went right to reading and Bucky sort of skimmed over the printouts she gave him of the exercises she wanted to try with him next week and they sounded sort of stupid to him. _Magic pen...really?_ He put them in his drawer and thought about the hypnosis thing. Alison said Hydra had used it on him. _It was in the files._ _I have a file...what is in that file?_ He got up and went into her room. She was sitting up in bed and reading on one of those tablet things while making notes in a notebook.

“Can I see my file? The Hydra file?” asked Bucky and Alison’s face sort of paled and she seemed to struggle for an answer.

“Well I don’t see why not. I mean it is about you and you already sort of remember what happened to you. Can I ask why you want to see it now?” asked Alison.

“I mean I do remember it, but I want to see in black and white I guess. To really know what happened,” said Bucky. Alison blew out breath in a small huff.

“I’m not going to lie to you that file is very detailed in some areas and it was a really upsetting read,” said Alison.

“It was upsetting to live through,” said Bucky.

“I just...I don’t want you to think I was hiding things from you. I planned on telling you what was in it when the time was right, but if you want to see the file I’ll have to ask Steve to get me another copy. The tablet it was on was broken in the med center back the Tower. You might have to let him know you want to read it and he might fight you on it,” said Alison.

“I just need to know somethings before we try to hypnosis stuff,” said Bucky and Alison nodded. Bucky went to head back to his room when he stopped and looked at her. Alison seemed to have lost her focus and she simply stared at her notebook.

“I know you don’t want follow in their footsteps and that you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. I trust you. I don’t trust myself though and I need to know what they did if we’re going to do this,” said Bucky. Before Alison could say anything he left the room.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Steve didn’t fight him on it, but he looked ill at ease when she and Bucky approached him the next morning about the files.

“I don’t see why you shouldn’t have access to them. It is about you and you have the right to know. It’s just….I don’t want it to set you back,” said Steve.

“Not that a setback is a bad thing. They happen from time and since we’re facing this together and head on, it might not be so bad,” said Alison seeing Bucky look annoyed. _He really wants this. I’m not sure why, but he made a choice and we should respect that,_ thought Alison. She felt Bucky’s right hand in hers and we was squeezing it hard. Steve nodded and pulled a file folder out that was very thick.

“Tony had them translated into English and scanned into the system, but I had him give me a paper copy. I could stay here while you read it,” said Steve handing the file to Bucky.

“If you want too,” said Bucky and he seemed very nervous to be having this in his hands.

“If you have any questions feel free to ask,” said Alison. Bucky nodded and he opened the file. It had a picture of him frozen in the cryo chamber and he frowned looking at and with it was a smaller photo of him in his Army uniform. His face looked a little rounder and his eyes didn’t have that look of anger in them that she saw from time to time.

 

 _Name-Barnes, Buchanan_ _James_

_Sex-Male_

_Race-Caucasian_

_Nationality-American_

_Age & DOB-28. March 1917_

_Military Rank-Sergeant. United States Army_

_Blood type-O+_

 

_November 1945-Dr. Arnim Zola_

_Subject was found on patrol and was still alive, but unresponsive due to his exposure to the elements. Temperatures are below freezing in this area nearly year round, This helped preserve the subject along with the prior injections from the earlier tests. Subject is missing most of his left arm, unsure how it was lost. No sign of it near his body-any hope for reattachment of the original limb is a lost cause. However attaching a new prosthetic limb might be a viable option. Subject is in isolation and being monitored. Heart beat is a normal resting rate, but his brain waves are of a comatose patient-The fall and elements most likely contributing factors. Everyone-myself included are very excited about this find. Now that we have a suitable candidate we can continue our good work_

 

_March 1946-Dr. Arnim Zola_

_Subject was in surgery today. It was decided to remove more of the left arm so a full prosthetic could be attached. Subject woke up briefly during operation and was quickly subdued so we could finish the amputation. Subject was also sterilized while under in case it is decided that he become a Red Room Male Operative. (Highly unlikely considering his age) and to test a new method that has been introduced in the States. Subject woke up after procedure and was very upset and disoriented about where he was and how much time had passed. Subject needs time to recover from his operations and from his comatose state. Will start program in April_

 

_April-1946_

_In order to create a new breed of soldier who is loyal to the cause he first must be broken down  and rebuilt in our image. The Russians have a rather brilliant program for taking in young girls and creating what they want-spies and soldiers without fear and years of training. Unfortunately our subject is a grown man and a rather stubborn one at that. I first encountered him during my time in Italy I was very impressed with his tenacity to keep going despite being seriously ill and suffering a beating from one of our officers. I had hoped to test another round of Erskine’s serum with the Vita Rays however the destruction of the lab and factory in Italy by Captain America detoured further testing. Unfortunately I do not have access to Erskine’s early notes-also destroyed in the fire and without any serum the use of Vita Rays is a moot point. It is imperative to break the subject down. We had luck in earlier subjects with the use of the shock treatments and will those will commence for an hour every day to start with and will increase in time and voltage level the longer the subject is tested._

 

Bucky went on reading for hours and his face just got harder and harder. He didn’t say anything until he reached the notes from 1949

“I remember another man with Zola. What happened to him? This Dr. Fennhoff” asked Bucky. Alison looked over at the notes. 

           

_December 1949--Dr. Arnim Zola_

 

_Dr. Fennhoff has proven most helpful in introducing new methods to help the subject focus on his training and obeying our commands. His methods of hypnosis while simple are very effective. While drug treatment do work somewhat on the subject this is an easier avenue to pursue and more long term for our goals._

 

            “According to the files he died in a prison fire in 1948. Clearly that was ruse of some sort,” said Steve.

            “Hopefully when he really died it really hurt,” said Bucky. “Did you study him too?” asked Bucky looking at Alison.

            “He never came up in any classes I took. Based on the notes he was doctor of  psychiatry, but nothing came up when I did a search. He either never contributed to anything or if he did his name was removed,” said Alison. Bucky sat the file down and his hands were fists.

“Can I read more of this later? I need some air,” said Bucky.

“Yeah,” said Steve and he put the file back in this drawer.

“Do you want be alone for a while?” asked Alison.

“Yeah,” he said and he left the room. Steve shut the door and looked at Alison.

“Was that really good for him?” asked Steve.

“He wanted to know. That was his choice,” said Alison. He made the decision to ask for the files and she was sort of proud in a way. _He chose what he wanted. Big step for a guy who sometimes gets overwhelmed with free time,_ thought Alison. She was worried though about his reaction or lack thereof to reading he had been sterilized. He just powered through and hadn’t spoken up. _I should have told him sooner, but really how do you tell someone they were fixed like dog?_ thought Alison.

“He seems to be doing really well though,” said Steve and Alison nodded.

“He’s having a stretch of good days and he seems a little less confused about his life before the war. I just want you know he’s gonna bad days too and that’s when he’s really gonna need you,” said Alison.

“We actually had a real talk on Sunday about somethings and it felt like he was himself for bit. It was really nice to talk to him again. Thank you,” said Steve. Alison stood up to leave.

“It’s all him. He’s doing all the work, I’m just giving the assignments,” said Alison. She left and shut the door behind her. _No, you helped show him that people can be trusted again. It’s not easy for people like us to trust anyone. We’ve been used too many times. Trusting anyone is a battle and he trusts you,_ thought Steve.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            She was waiting for him when he did come up to the office about an hour later. Bucky sat down on the sofa next to her and fiddled with the dog tags.

            “Do you wanna talk about what you read?” asked Alison and he looked at the wall.

            “You know it was shitty enough they used me like a lab rat and turned me into a trained killing monkey. It’s the side effects that are really making me angry right now. I can’t get drunk, I can’t sleep without dreams or nightmares of the past, I killed people for no reason, I missed seventy some years of life and now I find out they sterilized me. Is that what you and Steve didn’t want to tell me?” asked Bucky staring at the wall.

            “We were going to tell you in time,” said Alison and he looked at her, she looked a little ashamed and worried.

            “I’m mad, but not at you or Steve. I get it. You guys are trying to help me and it’s just not something you tell a guy who can punch a hole through a wall,” said Bucky. “I wanted kids though...after the war,” said Bucky. _I wanted a little girl like Cecilia or Becca. I knew how to handle girls after trying to bring up Becca,_ thought Bucky.

            “I’m really sorry,” said Alison.

“Probably for the best anyway. Who would want to have kids with a former Hydra assassin anyway?” asked Bucky.

“I am sort of proud of you right now,” said Alison and he looked at her stunned.

“Why?” asked Bucky.

“Two reasons, one- you asked for the file and the fact you asked for it is a big deal. Two-you admitted to being angry and why you were angry...well actually it’s now three reasons if you factor in you understanding why Steve and I were holding some things back. I imagine empathy wasn’t something Hydra is known for,” said Alison.

They sat there for a while and he spoke up again. He had gone for a walk around the track and thought about the hypnosis stuff. He trusted Steve and Alison and he wanted Hydra out of his head. _They took everything from me and I want something back,_ thought Bucky.

            “I do want to try the hypnosis stuff,” said Bucky and she looked surprised. “You aren’t them and you wouldn’t use it the way they did,” said Bucky.

“We’ll start trying on Thursday and I’ll let Bruce know he has a class to teach. So we left off when you were in the camp and…” Bucky cut her off.

“I don’t want to talk about my life anymore today...can I ask about yours?” asked Bucky and Alison shrugged.

“What do you want to know?” asked Alison.

“What were your parents like?” asked Bucky. She looked conflicted and she was clearly weighing her thoughts.

“I’m not sure that it is a topic we can discuss,” said Alison and he looked at her.

“You know my whole life and I trust you with everything. I still don’t know you at all,” said Bucky. Alison sighed and he could see she was still weighing her thoughts before looking at him.

“I sort of remember my mom and she was always really sick and we spent a lot time in hospitals. I found out when I was older she had kidney issues and she was there for her dialysis treatments. Her kidneys stopped working when I was five and they couldn’t find a match donor in time for a transplant. My dad was away in first Gulf war when she died and my grandfather came and brought me to New York. After he was discharged my dad and I stayed with my grandfather, but he just wasn’t there. I mean understand now he was depressed about my mom and whatever happened over there, but he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t cope well and he just left one day,” said Alison.

“I thought being nineteen and not having a parent sucked. You were still a kid,” said Bucky and she shrugged.

“I had the old man and he did the best he could...pretty sure he wasn’t ready to have another kid in his life at sixty something. Still there were times I was really jealous of Sam and Renee, I had go to their moms for all my girl questions. Trying to ask your grandfather to take you bra shopping is a special sort of nightmare,” said Alison.

“After my mom died I learned a lot about ladies and their troubles. That is something I really wish I could forget again,” said Bucky and Alison shook her head.

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t call your sister’s training bras a Chinese slingshot with your poker buddies,” said Alison and he couldn’t help but laugh.

“I think Steve turned seven shades of red the first time Becca did all the laundry and she was scrubbing his boxers in the sink with her slips. I couldn’t stop laughing,” said Bucky and Alison sort of smiled. “Do you have any pictures of your parents?” asked Bucky.

“A few. I’m guessing you want to see those,” said Alison.

“Can I? asked Bucky.

“I have them upstairs,” said Alison. They went back to her room and she pulled a photo album off her bookshelf and handed it to him. The first picture was clearly of them-he could see Alison in both of them. She clearly favored her mother though. The woman in the photo had the same oval shaped face and they both had the same smile-the right side went higher than the left. Both women could be about the same height, but her mother was a little too skinny in his opinion  She had her father’s green eyes and his dark hair though.

“Your mom was pretty. I see where you get it from now,” said Bucky and Alison rolled her eyes.

“You are a shameless flirt,” said Alison. He turned the page and the next was of a very young Alison in a pale blue dress with the woman. The woman looked tired, but happy in the photo. Her skin also looked a bit off color and she looked to have lost more weight.

“How old were you here?” asked Bucky.

“About three I think. Easter based on that dress, said Alison. Another photo showed all three of together. Her father in his Air Force uniform, her mother dressed up in a green dress with a black sash around her waist and Alison in front of them in a red velvet dress. “That was Christmas before the war,” said Alison and she sounded funny. “Sorry...I haven’t looked at these in a while.”

“You still miss them,” said Bucky closing the album.

“I’ll always miss them. It doesn’t matter how long they’re gone I’ll miss them. It just took me a long time to stop blaming myself about them,” said Alison and he looked at her confused.

“Why did you blame yourself?” asked Bucky.

“Stupid stuff really and it just got stuck in my head and wouldn’t knock it off. When I was old enough to understand what my mom died of I sort of blamed myself. I found a journal she kept and her doctors told her she wasn’t supposed to have kids with her condition and she did it anyway. If she hadn’t had me she might have found a donor sooner or her condition might not have been as bad. I thought my dad didn’t like me because she died and it was my fault and that was why he left,” explained Alison. He just looked at her wide eyed. “That was how my brain worked...well still works from time to time. I thought myself a little a crazy about that,” said Alison.

Bucky looked at her and he sort of understood know why she hadn’t talked about her parents or had their pictures out. Sometimes you didn’t want to think about what wasn’t there anymore. She had just been a kid when they died and she must have blaming herself for years for something she hadn’t done or had any control over. _She still told me though and it wasn’t easy for her,_ thought Bucky.

“It’s between us,” said Bucky and Alison nodded.

“Thanks. I haven’t told anyone that outside of my friends at Camp Happy. It’s not that I don’t trust you or didn’t want you to know. It’s just you have enough in your head and you don’t need my crazy in there,” said Alison.

“You aren’t crazy...well not anymore. Beside you sit and listen to my crazy all day. It only seems to fair to listen to yours for a few minutes,” said Bucky and Alison let out a small laugh.

“Just think someday you’ll have the joy of calling yourself not crazy too,” said Alison.

“Well that will be the day,” said Bucky.

“You know what I think we both need break today. It’s been really intense that last couple of days. We’ll play hooky,” said Alison. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Are we cutting class? You are a hussy and like it,” said Bucky with a slight grin.

“There you go being oh so charming,” said Alison with her own grin. She put in something called Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark. He noticed she was half paying attention to the movie and her mind was elsewhere. _She still blames herself for her parents...sometimes the blame never goes away no matter what anyone tells you,_ thought Bucky. He carefully moved a little closer to her and wrapped his right arm around her shoulder. She looked puzzled for a second before letting his arm stay where it was. _I’m sort happy your mom didn’t listen...she had you and you saved my life. It’s a little selfish to think that, but if I could I would thank her,_ thought Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

           

            “So you worked out a pass phrase and gesture?” asked Bruce and Alison nodded.

            “We kept it simple,” said Alison has Bucky settled onto the sofa. She was a little nervous about doing this, but the pros outweighed the cons. She had talked with Bruce on Tuesday night about how Bucky wanted to try the hypnosis and he told them it would be best if they agreed on a pass phrase and gesture before starting. They agreed to test it out with Alison first before having Steve learn it. She was still new in Bucky’s life and the soldier might not even consider her a threat. _Well he did try to strangle her, but didn’t finish the job once Steve entered the room. He took Tony out first before making any move on her. She’s a non-threat to him,_ thought Bruce.

“How are you feeling this morning?” asked Bruce and Bucky shrugged.

“I know I’ve been under in the past, but I’m not sure it’s going to work now. I really want it to work though,” said Bucky.

“I’m going to show her how to do it and we’ll just do a simple question and answer to see where you are. I’ll watch her do the next one where she’ll introduce your Lullaby,” explained Bruce sitting down.

“I finished reading my file and I know what you could do, but I know she won’t do that to me. You won’t either will you?” asked Bucky. Bruce sighed and nodded.

“I know I’m new here and that I’ve done some rather stupid things in the past when I had the chance to do the right thing. Trust me Sergeant when I say I really wanna do the right thing here. Besides Steve would have my head if I did anything to you without your say. Plus Alison is going to be here the whole time. She won’t let anything go off book,” said Bruce and Bucky nodded. Alison was dimming the lights and closing the curtains getting the room ready.

“I forgot my notebook upstairs. I’ll be right back,” said Alison. Bucky watched her go and turned back to Bruce.

“I’m just used to it being only her when I have a session,” said Bucky.

“You two are close,” said Bruce. He hadn’t been here very long, but he could tell they spent a lot of time together. He had went to Alison’s room to give her another book the other night and saw them sitting on the balcony together and they looked so comfortable with each other you would think they had known each other for years

“She helped save my life and she understands how much life can screw you over without reason. I haven’t had a friend in a long time and it’s a little weird and nice all at the same time,” said Bucky.

“You see her as a friend?” asked Bruce.

“Yes. I mean I know she’s supposed to be my head doctor...well head nurse, but I like talking to her and she gets things you know. I know I can trust her with anything,” said Bucky.

“Does she trust you back?” asked Bruce.

“I think so,” said Bucky. Alison came back in with her notebook and a pen.

“I put the ‘do not disturb’ sign out,” said Alison taking a seat near Bucky.

“Alright. Let’s get this started. Are you comfortable?” asked Bruce and Bucky nodded. “Okay just relax completely. Take a deep breath. In and out. Slowly,” said Bruce. “You are safe here so you can relax completely. Just relax completely. Focus on your breathing. In and out. You are safe here so you can relax completely,” said Bruce in a very slow and calming tone. Alison could see it was a little difficult at first for Bucky to relax, but the longer Bruce went on the more relaxed she could see Bucky becoming. _Hopeful this is a good sign,_ thought Alison.

“I want you to look at that spot on the wall and just focus on that for right now. That’s good. Now I want you to relax your feet and legs. Like it’s a warm bath. That’s it. Good. Relax your arms,” said Bruce and Alison was stunned at how quickly this was going. _Well if he’s been hypnotized before it would be easy for him to go under quickly,_ thought Alison taking notes. She had debated filming it and decided against it since it might make it harder for him to relax.

“Every word I say is going to help you relax more and you putting you under. The further you go under the more you can relax and the more you relax the further you go under,” said Bruce and he repeated the phrase a few more times and he nodded to Alison.

“He’s completely under. That was fast,” said Bruce. “Bucky do you know where you are right now?” asked Bruce.

“I’m safe,” said Bucky softly.

“That’s right. I’m here with Alison. Can we talk to you?” asked Bruce.

“Yes,” said Bucky and Alison went over to where Bruce was sitting so she could face Bucky. His eyes were closed and his face was completely relaxed. _It’s like someone talking in their sleep,_ thought Alison/

“We’re just going to ask some simple questions for now. Can you tell me what day it is?” asked Alison

“It’s May 28th 2015,” said Bucky.

“Can you tell us your name and rank in the Army?” asked Bruce.

“Sergeant James Barnes. 32557038,” said Bucky.

“Do you enlist or were you drafted? asked Alison.

“I enlisted. It was the right thing to do,” said Bucky. Bruce looked at Alison and nodded that she was to start taking the lead. They needed to speak to the Winter Soldier to see if he would listen to her.

“Bucky you know that it’s safe here right?” asked Alison.

“Yes. You and Steve...you two won’t let anything bad happen to me,” said Bucky.

“That’s right we won’t. Bucky, I need you to let me talk to the Winter Soldier,” said Alison sounding a lot more calm than she felt. She could see the change in his face the second she said that name. His face tensed up and his breathing picked up.

“Why?” asked Bucky sounding a little worried and a little annoyed.

“I like to ask him some questions,” said Alison and Bucky sighed.

“I don’t want him to hurt you. I like you,” said Bucky. Something about how he said that he liked her triggered a bell in Bruce’s mind . _Oh dear this could be trouble,_ thought Bruce.

“I’m safe here too and I wouldn’t ask for him unless it was really important. I know this hard, but I need to speak to the Winter Soldier,” said Alison and Bucky sighed sadly.

“I’ll try…” his breathing picked up and his whole body went stiff. He opened his eyes but they clearly weren’t seeing anything.

“Do you have orders?” he asked and Bruce looked a little stunned at the change in how he spoke. _That Russian accent throws me too,_ thought Alison.

“A debriefing first,” said Alison recalling a small write up she found about how they ended his missions. They all ended with his account of how the mission went before his wipes and placement back in the cryochamber.

“I failed my mission. Targets Rogers and Romanoff are alive. Proceed with current mission to eliminate targets?” he asked.

“Rogers and Romanoff are no longer targets. They’re allies now,” said Alison and she could tell he seemed confused by this.

“Allies?” he asked.

“Yes Allies. Can you tell me if they were any other mission objectives?” asked Alison.

“Project Insight must be launched. Eliminate any targets that interfere with the launch. Military or Civilian targets must be eliminated on site if necessary,” said the Soldier.

“That mission is no longer necessary,” said Alison and he seemed even more confused.

“The mission was a failure. Project Insight was eliminated. I...I failed,” said the Soldier. “I’ve disobeyed orders…,” said the Soldier and his hands clenched into fists.

“You don’t have orders anymore,” said Alison and she could see his body tensing up. “Not right now Solider. I’m your new handler for now and I don’t have any missions for you,” said Alison and she could see his fist tense and she forced herself to stay calm.

“Soldier do you know where you are?” asked Alison.

“I don’t know...I should have reported into command. He wouldn’t let me. He won’t face his punishment. He’s weak,” spat the Soldier.

“If I want to give you an order will you obey it?” asked Alison. She hated phrasing it that way, but it was the language the Soldier knew.

“You’re my handler now?” asked the Soldier.

“For now,” said Alison and she could see him trying to think.

“Permission to speak?” asked the Soldier.

“Granted,” said Alison.

“You aren’t like the others...you...you...I don’t understand why I haven’t been disciplined for my failures?” asked the Soldier and it was a cross between Bucky and the Soldier in his voice that threw both her and Bruce for an answer.

“Rogers and Romanoff are now our allies so there is no need for punishment. I need to know if you’ll follow my orders?” asked Alison. She wanted this over with and she wanted Bruce to bring him out. _God even the Soldier breaks your heart a little,_ thought Alison.

“I’ll follow your orders,” said the Soldier.

“I need you to bring Bucky back now,” said Alison and she could see the Soldier was annoyed, but soon enough it was Bucky speaking.

“I’m here,” said Bucky.

“Good. I’m going to count backwards from ten and when I get to one you’ll wake up, you’ll remember all of this and you’ll feel refreshed and relaxed,” said Bruce and he counted down to one and Bucky came back a few seconds later.

“So everybody played nice?” asked Bucky and Alison shook her head.

“Everybody got along just fine,” said Alison. _Let’s hope it stays that way,_ thought Alison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            The next morning Alison found she couldn’t eat. She was nervous about doing the hypnosis solo. Bruce would be there to watch her, but it was all her now. _You think it was your first exam in nursing school all over again._ She took a plate of food down to Franklin and some tea though. She hadn’t seen him in two days and he had seemed a little on edge when she saw him earlier this week. She knocked on his lab door before coming in. He was asleep at his desk and she could tell he hadn’t showered in the last two days. _Geez old man,_ thought Alison. She shook him awake and he jolted awake and he had been drooling on his papers.

            “I got you some chai tea,” said Alison sitting the tea down along with his toast and turkey sausage. He looked up and rubbed his eyes.

“Oh you are a sweet girl. Thank you,” said Franklin and he sipped the tea and grinned. “You added the right amount of cream and sugar too,” said Franklin. Alison looked around the lab and tried to not judge. It was messy and he had been eating down here and the dishes were all over.

“You know we have a cleaning service here,” said Alison and Franklin scoffed.

“They’ll move things and I won’t find them again,” said Franklin. He got up and started eating the breakfast.

“What if I can come down this evening and clean up. You can tell me where you want everything,” said Alison. Franklin sighed and gave her a smile.

“You would bother yourself with such a thing. I always did like you...I tried keeping up that show we used to watch. The Rose House?” asked Franklin.

“Casa Rosa,” said Alison rolling the R’s and grinning. “Maybe we can watch some tonight when I’m off the clock,” said Alison.

“Maybe,” said Franklin and Alison was biting her lip. She had a suspicion, but she didn’t have enough proof and didn’t want to start in on him. She would just have to watch him and see. They had stayed in touch somewhat after she had been released. Franklin had been admitted around the same time she had, but had to stay an additional three months after she had been discharged. She tried to visit once a week until he got out since he had no family. After he was released he moved to Boston for a teaching job so she wrote him letters since he hated emails and sometimes he would write back weeks later. He was a sweet guy, just a little absent minded so she didn’t mind the lag in return letters In the last letter he wrote to her that he was going to London. She had just dropped a letter in the mail with the P.O Box for here. _I wonder if it’s been forwarded yet,_ thought Alison.

“I think you might be working a little too hard,” said Alison carefully picking up some old disposable cups and putting them in the trash.

“Says the girl who spends almost twenty four hours a day with one patient,” said Franklin turning to a large white board with all sorts of math on it that Alison couldn’t make heads or tails of. She stacked some dishes up and tossed out some junk food wrappers while his back was turned.

“We take breaks and I really don’t see him at all on Sunday and…” she realized Franklin was muttering and writing other numbers on another white board. She sighed and realized she was going to have to a serious talk with him. _He’s off his meds,_ thought Alison. It was one of the reasons he had been kept longer than she had. He refused to stick to his meds and that was one of conditions of being released was agreeing to stick to your meds. He always seemed to get the fuzzy head side effect and complained about it. She understood how much the fuzzy head side effect sucked. She felt it from time to time when she was doing paperwork or trying to study something new. If she let her mind drift even a little she was useless and would have to start all over. She would talk to him tonight though and she gathered up his dishes to take upstairs. The kitchen worker gave her a look as she handed off a stack of dirty plates, bowls and silverware.

“I’ll bring the cups up later...damn scientist,”  said Alison trying to get a smile from the slightly older woman. No such luck and the woman tossed the dishes into the sink. _Well you can’t make them all happy,_ thought Alison. She went up to her office and found Bruce and Bucky waiting.

“You weren’t at breakfast,” said Bucky and Alison started closing the drapes.

“Had to check in on one of the mad scientists,” said Alison. Bucky nodded and settled into his spot on the sofa. Bruce took a spot behind Bucky and Alison pulled up a chair to sit in front of him.

“Are you ready?” asked Alison.

“As ready as you are,” said Bucky with a small grin. Alison took a deep breath to clear her own head before repeating what Bruce had done yesterday with Bucky and he seemed to go under even quicker than before.

“I don’t think I’ve seen anyone go under so quickly,” said Bruce a little stunned.

“Do you know where you are right now Bucky?” asked Alison.

“I’m safe,” said Bucky.

“Yes you are. Bucky I need to talk to the Soldier again,” said Alison and even though they had discussed what was going to happen a great length he seemed annoyed and worried that she was asking for him.

“We don’t like each other,” said Bucky. “He’ll listen to you, but he doesn’t like it,” said Bucky. Alison looked to Bruce and he shook his head and mouthed the word ‘later’. She watched as Bucky shifted a few seconds later the Soldier was looking at her and not seeing her at all though.

“Yes,” said the Soldier and it took Alison a second to regroup.

“I have a new command that I’ll want you to follow and obey in the future,” said Alison and he looked annoyed.

“The other one doesn’t like orders. He never follows them and it causes trouble,” said the Soldier. It was so unreal how he viewed himself through two very different sets of eyes.

“He’ll follow this one I’m sure. When I say ‘Sergeant. Winter is over’ and I do this,” she took his right hand and tapped at his pulse point twice and she had him tap her pulse point on her right wrist twice. “You’ll bring me Bucky and be at ease,” said Alison. Bruce noticed that the Soldier’s right hand seemed to linger on her for a second longer before pulling away.

“Do you understand?” asked Alison.

“I do,” said the Soldier and Alison nodded.

“Sergeant. Winter is over,” said Alison and she tapped Bucky’s wrist and the Soldier did the same thing a second later. His whole body seemed to relax and his eyes closed again.

“Bucky?” asked Alison.

“Yes,” he said and Alison let out of breath she wasn’t aware she had been holding in.

“Good. We’re going to try it a few more times before I bring you out. Can I speak to Soldier again?” asked Alison. The shift happened and she explained to the Soldier it was a test to see if orders could be followed. They did it two more times without issue and when they went to do it a third time the Soldier grabbed her wrist and wouldn’t let go,

“You don’t hurt me like the others. Why?” asked the Soldier.

“I don’t have a reason too,” said Alison and his grip tighten.

“It’s different...I feel different. I’m not supposed to feel. Why do I feel different?” asked the Soldier.

“I need you to bring me Bucky,” said Alison and the grip was near bone crushing now.

“Snap him out of it,” hissed Bruce. _What if I snap him out it and it’s the Soldier in control, not Bucky?_ thought Alison

“Everyone wants him! Why?” snapped the Soldier. Alison put her left hand over the Soldier’s right.

“Listen to me. You feel different and I’m giving you permission to feel that. You have permission to feel again. You are wanted, but it’s different how you’re wanted now. Right now though I need you to bring Bucky,” said Alison. The grip eased up and it was Bucky again.

“I’m going to count backwards from ten and when I do you’ll wake up and feel refreshed and relaxed,” said Alison. She counted backwards and he woke up. He quickly let go of her wrist and she rubbed it a little.

“Sorry,” said Bucky.

“It’s alright. I had to get you back before waking you up. Do you mind if Bruce and I have a few minutes?” asked Alison and Bucky nodded.

“I’ll be outside,” said Bucky and he shut the door behind him.

“That was a little intense,” said Alison and Bruce nodded.

“So it seems to work a little which is good. You’ll have to work on fine tuning a little bit so there isn’t any question on if he’ll listen to you are not. When we first started trying to get the Lullaby down, I could feel the ‘Other guy’ fighting against it a little. He didn’t want to be controlled in that way. I imagine the Soldier is a little like that...well he’s used to being controlled, but not how we’re doing it. Allowing him to be Bucky when he’s gotten in trouble for being that person in the past. It can’t be easy. When I’m..well it’s nothing but uncontrolled rage and ego. With him it’s just a blank slate that was controlled and directed at a target or mission,” said Bruce

“With no mission or target he really doesn’t know what to do. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even realize it’s a mix of rage, confusion and who knows what else. He’s hasn’t gone into Solider mode for a few weeks now, Bucky seems to be in control most of the time. Something I’m sure pisses the Soldier off,” said Alison.

“I never had the temperament to do the sort of work you’re doing, but I wouldn’t mind trying to talk to him on a personal level. I know what’s like try to hold something back from hurting others and it might help him. How’s your wrist?” asked Bruce looking at the red mark on it.

“It’s fine. Not the first patient to ever manhandle me and this isn’t so bad considering how it could have gone. I think we’re just going to have a normal session now and we’ll revisit the hypnosis next week,” said Alison standing up.

“I have a lot free time so whatever works for you two is fine with me,” said Bruce. He showed himself out and took a second to look back as Bucky went into the room. Bucky went over to Alison and took her right hand in his to study the marks. His fingers seemed to linger over the marks before Alison gently took his hand and held it.

“It’s fine and it really doesn’t hurt,” said Alison and Bruce shut the door. _I really should keep an eye on them. While this is an unusual case she should have some boundaries with him,_ _That way no one gets hurt,_ thought Bruce.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

 .

 


	18. The more you ignore me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Late Thanksgiving *if you’re an American reader* Sorry this took a while to get right or last make me sort of happy with how this sets up where things are going. Plus with the holidays coming up I might get wrapped up baking or just wrapped up in wrapping presents. Hopefully the next chapter won’t take as long. 
> 
> Plus I was watching the Civil War Trailer on a loop and planning my day off next year to see the movie at least six times opening weekend.

“Can you hand me the flathead screwdriver?” asked Bruce and Bucky gave it to him. Bruce unscrewed the cover so they could have a look inside. It was an old record player that Sam had found at flea market and thought maybe if it could be fixed they could give it to Steve for his birthday next week.

            “Everything looks to be rusted or busted,” said Bucky studying the inside of the player and Bruce looked amused.

            “The rusted parts aren’t a problem and we can easily make new parts. I still think we should leave Sam’s name off the card since we’re doing all the work,” said Bruce as he started taking the player apart.

            “He’s keeping Steve busy or else I would have to keep him busy,” said Bucky and he handed Bruce a small set of wire cutters so he remove the bad wires. It was an odd and slow going friendship between Bruce and Bucky, but it looked to be a very promising one. Bucky liked Bruce, he didn’t talk very much and he didn’t expect Bucky to carry on a conversation unless he wanted too.

It started when Bruce found Bucky watching Natasha teach Alison how to get out of a hold one night. Bruce came up and he watched for a few minutes before suggesting that maybe he could teach Bucky some yoga one night if he wasn’t too busy. Natasha looked up and saw them watching and gave a slightly annoyed looked before pulling the blinds shut on the window. Bucky looked as Bruce gave a huge sigh and suggested that now might be a good time to do some yoga. The yoga wasn’t so bad and he started looking for Bruce after he did his workout with Steve and if Alison was with Natasha to do yoga. One night after they finished doing yoga in Bruce’s room Bucky had noticed a notebook on Bruce’s desk that was filled with numbers and doodles of some sort.

“What’s all this for?” asked Bucky and Bruce shrugged.

“Possible updates for a program I made called Veronica. It had a test run about two months ago and it has some kinks that could be improved,” said Bruce. Bucky studied the figures a little closer and one drawing looked to be an angry stick figure in a cage and a bunch of little light bolts around it.

“The Hulk?” asked Bucky pointing to the drawing and Bruce gave a dry laugh.

“I was never a good art student,” said Bruce dismissively.

“It’s not a bad likeness. I would have used more green and your lightning bolts need more zig zags,” said Bucky and Bruce gave another laugh this one more real sounding.

“Well I was thinking about adding another layer on the cage and increasing the voltage so he couldn’t get out,” said Bruce. He flipped through the notebook and showed Bucky the rough draft of blueprints. Bucky studied the blueprints and thought about what could be added.

“Maybe instead of increasing the voltage you could just increase the thickness layers in the cage. What type of metal did you use?” asked Bucky and Bruce sort of smiled. He had read that Bucky had worked with Howard on some of the tech the Howling Commandos had used and clearly some part of that person was coming back. _He had so much potential and they just misused him,_ thought Bruce. _Let’s see what you have up there old man._

So it began, on Saturdays and Sundays if he wasn’t with Steve Bucky was with Bruce building things and it felt good to shut his mind off and simply focus on a task. It took his mind off how rough some of the sessions had become lately.

He and Alison were still talking about his time in the war and a little bit about his beginnings with Hydra. When he did have nightmares they were so vivid he couldn’t even work up a scream, he just laid there shaking and moaning. Alison would wake up and careful wake him up so he didn’t lash out at her. She would sit with him and talk him back to a place where he could go back to sleep. _She would sit next to him, run a hand through his hair and tell him he was safe. His left hand caught hers and he could sort of feel how warm she was from sleep._ If he wasn’t having nightmares about Hydra he was dreaming about Becca. At times they were just boring dream, them at home before he went off to war and just having dinner together. Other dreams almost made him wish for Hydra nightmares. He saw himself coming home and being with her after the war, watching her get married, have children, grandchild. Simply being an old man with her. He would wake up crying and once again Alison was there to talk him through the dreams.  Building things also took his mind off where his feelings were going and what if anything he could do about them.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Three weeks ago_

“Bucky, she’s alright. She misses you, but in her heart you’ve been there for all those moments,” said Alison after he woke her up. Bucky took a sip of water and wondered when either one of them would get a full night of sleep this month. A few times this month he heard her get up, go out to the patio and she would start crying. A part of him wanted to know why and another part of him was worried she wouldn’t tell him why or worse he wouldn’t be able to help her the way she helped him. He knew it was her job to help him, but sometimes when they had these small late night moments it didn’t feel like she was working. He would stay awake until she came back to bed and went to sleep.

She slept with the patio door open since it was so warm out and you could hear crickets chirping and owls hooting. She looked outside and sort of smiled.

“It’s odd being able to hear the crickets. You really can’t hear them in the city. When I was kid and the old man would take me to Niagara Falls I actually had trouble sleeping the first few nights because it was so quiet,” said Alison. He knew she was trying to take his mind off the dreams and he looked outside to see the stars.

“There was a snowstorm when I was in Basic and you couldn’t hear anything for miles but the wind,” said Bucky. He liked this sort of quiet compared to the quiet he was used to from his Hydra days. This was peaceful, calm and it made him feel at ease. The silence he been subjected to with Hydra was meant to break and punish him. He remembered being isolated during both of his captures and how it physically hurt to be shut away and not know if you would ever hear another person again.

He reached over and took her hand lightly in his. He liked being alone with her like this. She didn’t feel like his nurse right now or as some people called her when they thought no one was listening his babysitter. She felt in some ways like an equal and sometimes he wished he had known her before he became what he was. _She wasn’t even a thought when you_ _normal,_ thought Bucky and she looked at him.

“What’s going on up there?” asked Alison and Bucky shrugged.

“Just thinking that two weeks ago you promised me guitar lessons and I still don’t have said guitar,” said Bucky. He had finally worked up the nerve to ask her to teach him how to play and she had looked a little surprised. She told him she would start looking to see if she could find him a guitar.

“You don’t rush into buy an instrument. It’s an investment,” said Alison. “I’ll know it when I see it,” said Alison with a smirk.

She turned back to look outside and he followed suit. He watched her out of the corner of his eye and fought the urge to just outright stare at her. She was wearing a pair of gray shorts and he could see the scars on her left knee from where she had surgery and he could see a faint scar on her right leg from when she had broken it. Between running, swimming and working out she had very nice legs and he had suddenly wanted to put a hand on her leg. _No...too forward. You don’t just grab at lady like that,_ thought Bucky.

He considered her a lady, despite all her protests that she was far from it. She told him she was too mouthy at times, enjoyed her drinks a little too much and her grandfather didn’t raise a lady-he raised her and she was no lady. She might not have been a lady in the traditional sense of the word. Then again a lot people wouldn’t have considered Carter a lady after seeing her punch a mouthy Hydra prisoner in the face and then kicking him the groin for good measure once. But Carter had a quality about her that made a lady, something you just couldn’t put your finger on and Alison was the same way.

“I know it might be asking a lot, but could you check on Becca when you go see your grandfather?” asked Bucky. She looked at him and it was just something about how she looked at him with those dark green eyes that never seemed to run out a patience for him that suddenly had his stomach in knots and he didn’t know why.

“I can do that. I’ll need my tags back on Sunday morning though. Pop noticed I wasn’t wearing them last week and nearly freaked out. He thought I lost them. I’ll let you have them back when I come home,” said Alison and he looked at her. This felt like home to him because he hadn’t had one in so long. Plus Steve was here and Steve had always given him some sense of home. _Maybe Sam is like home to her,_ thought Bucky and he had to know,

“Does this really feel like home to you?” asked Bucky and Alison looked outside.

“When I was little I wanted a house by the ocean. I don’t why...it just always seemed really cool. When I moved in with Matt I realized I was never going to get that house by the ocean, but it was alright because I had him and he was home. When he died I realized I wasn’t going to have that house by the ocean and I didn’t know where home really was anymore. Here I have Sam, I have friends again, a purpose so yeah I feel like this is home...and maybe when I retire I can have my house by the ocean,” said Alison and he just shook his head.

“I think I wanted one of those huge brownstones growing up...and a dog. Really a house by the ocean?” asked Bucky.

“I blame the Little Mermaid,” said Alison deadpan. _I like it when you let me in,_ thought Bucky.

They went back to bed, but it was hours before Bucky went back to sleep. The last time he felt this way about someone was seventy some years ago and it was what got her killed. Plus Georgina had felt the same way for him. He knew Alison cared about him, but he didn’t know how much she cared for him and was too scared to find out if it was on his level.

Beside he wasn’t even sure what he was really feeling for her. It had been so long and it was confusing to try to figure out who felt what and why. She had told him he could tell her anything and she wouldn’t judge him, but he wasn’t sure how to go about telling her these  things.

He wanted to tell her that she could trust him, that she could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge her either. That for the first time in decades he had days when he felt normal and maybe someday he could be part of the world again.

That he would wake up and see her asleep and he just wanted to curl up next her in bed and sleep. That sometimes he would see her with David or one of the guys from the Medical staff and he just wanted to snap that she was his. He had never been the jealous type before and sometimes it scared him how possessive his thoughts would turn. She didn’t belong to anyone, let alone him. _She’s her own person and she’s allowed to make her own choices._  It was the Soldier that hissed in his head that she was his and only his. That it was weakness to deny themselves the thing they wanted. He could hear the Soldier almost pleading in his head to let him have this. _It feels...I’ve never felt this. I’m not supposed to feel and she makes us feel too much and I don’t know what it is. She’s ours...I need her to be ours. You want her just has much...stop fighting it._

 They both wanted her, but how they each wanted was very different and no one was going to get what they wanted. Not as long as Bucky could stay in control and he started doing the breathing techniques Bruce had taught him. If this helped Bruce control the Hulk it could damn well control the Winter Soldier. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            “Did you lose weight?” asked Robert looking up from the game of checkers they were playing and Alison laughed a little.

            “Maybe. I told you my coworker and I are on that workout and diet plan,” said Alison. _That’s putting it lightly,_ thought Alison. It had been going on for almost a month now and Natasha had her working out four days a week for about two hours at a time. Alison had thought she was in decent shape after her time in the hospital. Granted she had stopped running, but she had taken up swimming and started weight lifting more. _You can’t go deadlifting people without putting in a little time at the gym. Well at least it made picking up senior citizens easier,_ thought Alison.

However Natasha had her going through almost boot camp like workouts and they were kicking her ass in ways she didn’t think was possible. Sam just laughed at her when she came into his room one night with a bit of limp since she fallen on her bad knee. He did get her an ice pack and welcomed her to the team.

“Just think you might be able to hold your own in case I can’t save your butt,” said Sam teasing. Alison weakly threw the ice pack at Sam and groaned.

The other med staff didn’t care about the workouts it was the diet that had them shaking in their sneakers. A lot them were used to working for hours at a time with no breaks at all. So when they did get to eat it was whatever they could eat the fastest. Alison herself was guilty of this habit and it was a hard one to break. When you might only get five to ten minutes to eat or drink it wasn’t always the best option. Her choices had been sweet tea or a Coke Zero that she could wash down her cheesy peanut crackers or bagels with Nutella. The nursing home had been a little more relaxed, but the bad eating habits snuck back up.

Natasha showed a small amount of pity and allowed Alison coffee with some creamer, but all other junk food was gone. No more pasta, chocolate, soda, alcohol, fast food, and the list went on about she couldn’t have and it was given to the kitchen staff so Alison couldn’t cheat. _It’s like the old studio system and they told the actors and actresses what they could have in the lunchroom,_ thought Alison. Jenny looked over one night at Alison’s grilled chicken with steamed veggies and shook her head.

“I swear when she starts me on this little program I give myself two days before I flip my shit and hold people hostage for Pepsi,” said Jenny.

“You’ll be too sore to hold a weapon,” countered Alison who was so hungry she finished her dinner in under five minutes.

“I don’t know Jenny is mean one when denied her caffeine,” said David.

“I had to have coffee before going to Starbucks,” teased Jenny.

“Oh Starbucks. I miss empty calories,” said Alison.

“I’ll have them for you love,” said Shawn giving her a little pat on the head as she got up to do her workout.

            She had been tempted to cheat during her Sundays off the range, but she knew the guilt would just eat at her so she stuck to the program and well it was starting to have some good results. She had been able to fit into a pair of shorts she had forgotten about and some of her other pants were starting to get a little loose. _Maybe giving up cookies isn’t so bad,_ thought Alison.  Clearly it really was working if her grandfather noticed some weight loss. _At least he noticed something,_ thought Alison.

            In the past month he seemed to be slipping a little more each time she called or she saw him. They had tinkered with his meds so the shakes weren’t so bad now, but it seemed his memory was getting even worse. When she called this week he had asked twice who she was. Last week he had called her Jill at least four times and asked about her father. She knew what this meant, but how long this would go on before the illness would take everything and she would be left with a shell that had been her grandfather?

It broke her heart and even with all her medical training knowing what was going to happen just made it worse. She was having trouble sleeping and she would get up at night and just cry on the patio. He was the last blood family member she had left and she was trying to wrap her head around that.  Her father had been an only child and she had never met her grandmother, she had died when Alison was two. She had been hit by a bike crossing the street. Her mother’s family had never really been a part of her mother’s life so why would they be a part of Alison’s? When she had been a child she blamed herself for their lack of interest. She just wasn’t enough of something for them to want her. It took time to realize that their disinterest wasn’t a reflection of her; it was a reflection on them

She had e-mailed Louna about all the nagging her brain was doing about this.  Louna wrote back that she was already grieving the loss of her grandfather and that fact if had to spelled out for her was a little annoying. _Like the oncologist who can’t see the tumor on his body._ thought Alison. She was the mental health professional who couldn’t see she was already in mourning. Oh he was alive physically, but who was he without his memories and ability to voice his thoughts and wants? She was just bracing herself for what was going to happen and not knowing when was the hardest part for someone like Alison who tried to plan everything. Right now though Robert was looking at her puzzled.

            “Your mother was too skinny. You aren’t sick again are you honey?” asked Robert and Alison took his hand and squeezed.

            “I promise you I’m fine. It’s just a lot of time in the gym and eating right. I’m not making myself sick I swear,” said Alison and his grip got tight on her hand.

            “I worry you know. You spend all your time with this job and I know how hard you push yourself and...I…” Robert seemed to lose his train of thought and Alison leaned over and kissed his forehead. She had taken him out for breakfast and for a walk, well she pushed him in his wheelchair through Prospect Park and now he was clearly getting tired.

            “I think you need to rest now. Next weekend is the 4th of July and I got us tickets to the Captain America museum exhibit and we’re going to see the concert at the high school. You used to teach there and I’m pretty sure you might run into some old students,” said Alison. Robert seemed to come back to himself.

“You were always the best student I had,” said Robert. Alison kissed his forehead again and helped him into his bed and got him settled.

“I’ll call you when I’m in the city next week and on Saturday we’ll go to the museum and to the concert. I wrote it on your calendar and I have your dress jacket at the cleaners in case you want to wear it,” said Alison. He nodded and she put the game away and watched as he dozed off. Alison left quietly and told the nurse on the floor that he would need to be woken up for dinner and that she would be taking him out again on Saturday. Alison asked if a note could be made in his chart to have someone remind him of that and what it meant on his calendar. The nurse smiled politely at Alison and made the notations on her chart.

Alison thanked her before heading down the hall to Becca’s room. At first Alison wondered if the old woman would find it odd or be annoyed by her just dropping in unannounced. However she seemed to genuinely like it when Alison came to see her and it was then Alison remember how starved for visitors some of her patients had been at her old job. Becca’s children were due to come and visit next month. They called and Skyped at least twice a week and they took her home for the holidays, but sometimes you just missed regular visitors. So when Alison had started showing up the older woman was more than happy to have Alison sit for an hour or two and just chat. After all any friend of Steve’s was a friend of hers. Alison knocked on the door before coming in. Becca looked up from her book and grinned.  

“You know I’m going to get used to this if you keep showing up,” teased Becca and Alison held up a bottle of rose pink nail polish.

“As requested from our last visit,” said Alison coming in and sitting at the table across from her.

“I know we have a girl here who does nails, but I hate the polish selection and sometimes it’s a rush job that looks horrible. You don’t mind do you?” asked Becca. Alison fished the manicure set out of her purse.

“Not at all,” said Alison taking Becca’s hand and she started cleaning under her nails carefully.

“So where did I leave off last week?” asked Becca.

“Something about your brother trying to get a date for Steve’s seventeenth birthday,” said Alison with a hint of a grin and Becca smiled back and went into the tale of how Bucky had tried setting Steve up with a girl who was the daughter of one of the dock workers he knew. However the girl in question was already seeing another boy so Bucky tried to get her sister to go as Steve’s date. However it turned out the father asked the older sister when Bucky thought he was going to ask the younger sister. So there Steve was on his seventeenth birthday with a single woman in her mid-thirties. As she talked Alison carefully filed Becca’s nails and rubbed off the old too pink polish before applying a new coat of the rose pink polish. While her nails were drying Alison got a brush and carefully brushed and braided Becca’s hair. The CNA had pulled it back, but Alison could tell it had been done in hurry and clearly needed redone.

“Oh she was a nice enough gal, but well in our days thirty was the new sixty and Bucky just felt like an idiot the whole night,” said Becca

“Wow so Steve must think I’m the old lady huh?” asked Alison and Becca rolled her eyes and it was so much like Bucky it was a little unreal to her.

“He seems to adjusting a little bit to how you girls act nowadays. Is he still holding doors open for you?” asked Becca and Alison laughed.

“My hands were full,” said Alison. Well her hands had been full, but it was Bucky that had held a door open for her just a few days ago. “Sometimes it’s nice to have a guy hold a door and not be an ass about it,” said Alison.

“Bucky always tried to sell Steve on his good points and well I loved my brother, but he had terrible taste in girls. Pretty and shallow and they could never really see Steve’s good points. Then again Steve never saw his own good points,” said Becca. It was a little odd at times to hear Becca talk about Bucky and who he had been in her eyes. To Steve he had been a godsend, someone who looked out for him no matter what and could always be counted on. To Becca he was a cherished brother that she could look back on and see his good points and well not to perfect points.

“So Bucky liked them pretty?” asked Alison and she started to apply a second coat of polish.

“Sweet baby Jesus. You know those roller coaster signs that say you must be this tall to ride? I think Bucky had a sign that said you must be this stupid for me to date you,” said Becca and Alison nearly got the nail polish on Becca’s hand while she tried to not laugh.

“Wow. That’s not harsh at all,” teased Alison.

“The truth is always harsh. I loved him and he was one of the smartest people I ever knew, but when it came to girls he had a thing for the ones who couldn’t think,” said Becca and Alison finished the second coat and thought about that. He had been...well Bucky still was a good looking man and he clearly hadn’t been ready to settle down in his twenties and well who was to say the war wouldn’t have changed his taste in women. _He might have come home and settled down with someone who wasn’t a total idiot,_ thought Alison.  Her phone went off and Alison pulled it out of her bag.

“One second,” said Alison and she saw it was Derek from You Spin Me Round. A music shop and record store Alison used all the time to get sheet music and replacement parts for her old drum set.  

“Hello,” said Alison and she mentally crossed her fingers. She had gone to Derek trying to find Bucky a guitar and she hoped he had finally come through.

“Was the lady looking for an acoustic guitar? I finally got some really nice Fenders and Martins in if you want to come in and look,” said Derek and Alison grinned.

“I’ll be there before you close. See you soon,” said Alison. She ended the call and Becca gave her a little smirk.

“You seem giddy about something,” said Becca and Alison turned a little pink.

“I’ve been trying to find someone an acoustic guitar for weeks now and it looks like I might find it today,” said Alison.

“Someone? That’s rather vague,” teased Becca.

“He’s a patient,” said Alison and the way Becca raised her eyebrow like Bucky made her wonder how much teasing or prodding she was in for.

“The one you came and got the recording for?” asked Becca and Alison nodded. To Alison’s knowledge he still hadn’t listened to it, but he did keep looking at the picture section of the book Becca had written.

“Yeah,” admitted Alison and Becca nodded.

“He must mean a lot to you since you go through so much trouble for him,” said Becca and Alison felt a little twist in her stomach for some reason.

“It’s really no trouble at all. He just surprised me by asking for the lessons at all,” said Alison. The eyebrow raised again and Alison seriously wondered how high it would go.

“Darling I have nurses here who complain about picking up lunch trays. Not all of them. A lot them do a very good job and are wonderful people. You seem to be going above and beyond the call of duty even for a private nurse,” said Becca and Alison felt that twist in the stomach get tighter. She didn’t know why, but she felt like she had to explain herself.

“He just….the last few years were really hard on him and he sort lost himself. Watching him find some parts of himself again and making new parts is just an amazing thing to watch. I’m really proud of how he’s coming along,” admitted Alison. She was proud of him. Yes there were struggles and times when she wondered if what she was doing was working for him. But he kept trying and every little success made her want to jump for joy.

“What happens once he’s better?” asked Becca and Alison smiled a little.

“I start with a new patient and the circle goes on,” said Alison. She wanted that day for Bucky. That day when he told her he didn’t need her so much anymore would be bittersweet in her mind, but at least she had done her job. “Speaking of which I need to go to the store before it closes and head back. I’ll pop in for a few minutes next Saturday and we’ll see about a longer visit on Sunday,” said Alison and she kissed the old woman on her cheek. “Do you want anything?” asked Alison and Becca grinned.

“Next Saturday is the fourth of July and I want a good burger. Not that reheated puck they call a burger. I want real cow,” said Becca and Alison nodded.

“I’ll see what I can sneak in,” said Alison and she hugged the older woman before leaving. Becca shook her head as Alison left. She would never understand why the younger generation was so blind when it came to their own feelings. Alison was a sweet girl and one of the kindest souls Becca had crossed paths with. However there was just something about how she talked about this nameless patient and the look she had in her eyes when she spoke about him that made Becca wonder how alright Alison would be once she had done her job? _Silly girl is halfway in love and doesn’t even know it,_ thought Becca,

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

“So can you hand me those new wires?” asked Bruce and Bucky handed Bruce the wires and watched how they should be attached.

“Now that’s done we should be able to start making some of the new parts,” said Bruce and Bucky watched as he went over to a computer and started inputting the specs so the parts would print on the 3D printer. Sometimes for Bucky the technology available was overwhelming and amazing. He was sort of disappointed that Howard never figured out the flying car, _He might have if you hadn’t of killed him,_ thought Bucky and he quickly shook the thought away.

Still everything else was beyond anything he had dreamed of. Alison had spent one whole day trying to explain her smartphone to him and how they had came to be-how phones became common in every home, answering machines in case you missed a call, cordless phones so you go room to room and talk, caller ID so knew who it was and their numbers, pagers in case you needed to get someone and didn’t have a cellphone. Headsets and ear pieces so the phone was right in your ear. Cell phones that flipped open and had a different number pad. Phones where you bought minutes on them each month and finally the smartphones that seemed able to do just about anything.

“So do you know what Tony is going to do for Steve’s birthday?” asked Bucky and Bruce took a piece off the printer.

“Well Steve clearly told him no strippers, call girls, illegal drugs, wild animals, or midgets so I’m sure it will be boring in Tony’s eyes,” said Bruce and Bucky had to process that.

“Wait...wild animals?” asked Bucky.

“Yeah he actually got Barton a hawk for his birthday last year and Barton was not too pleased about it. I think he ended up giving to a petting zoo. Tony means well, but he gets carried away sometimes,” said Bruce.

“To think we used to happy when we had extra money for cake. Now he’s getting parties with real animals. I understand it’s a two day affair,” said Bucky. Bruce handed Bucky a part and Bucky put it in the record player.

“Well Friday is more an outing for everyone on staff if I understood it right. Steve’s actual birthday on Saturday is a more private affair,” said Bruce and Bucky adjusted a part and Bruce could sense something was on his mind and he wasn’t sure if he could or would spit it out.

“Sam was teasing Sharon about being his date to the party. Do you have to have a date?” asked Bucky not looking up from the player.

“No,” said Bruce and he could see tension leave Bucky’s shoulders. “Did you plan on asking anyone?” asked Bruce and Bucky shrugged.

“I figured Alison was already coming to the party so I wouldn’t really have to ask. She’s going to miss part of Saturday because she promised her grandfather they would do some stuff together,” said Bucky and Bruce fought back an urge to sigh. He was smitten with her and Bruce couldn’t really blame him. After seventy plus years of not having decent human interaction with anyone he latched on to the first person, well other than Steve who had shown him a speck of kindness. _She found me by a dumpster_. _She looked at me...no one had really looked at me in a long time._ that was what Bucky had told him while they had worked on a bike together and he asked how he had met Alison.

Bruce had been watching them and while Alison didn’t maintain the normal rigid boundaries most doctors did with their patients he didn’t think she would go out of her way to take advantage of Bucky feelings for her own use or hurt him. He knew that Bucky slept in her room most nights due to his night terrors. That troubled him a little bit, but after hearing about how bad they used to be he could sort of understand why it might be easier on him to have her not be more than two seconds away.

Bucky was a little touchy with her sometimes. He saw them walking the track one morning hand in hand and at one point during the conversation he turned and hugged her. She hugged him back and gently eased him away after a minute or two.  Bruce knew from her interactions with Franklin earlier this month she had been in a mental hospital and maybe having a someone who was just a little crazy work with someone who was getting over being a lot crazy was a good thing. _She knows how to come back,_ thought Bruce. Still it might not hurt to talk to him this crush. _I should talk to Alison too and let her know that she might have to let him down easy,_ thought Bruce.

“Listen Bucky. I know that you and…” Before he could finish the sentence Natasha came into the lab.

“Hey. Steve and I were getting ready to watch Rear Window. You want to join us?” asked Natasha.

“I guess. Can we finish this up later tonight?” asked Bucky.

“That’s fine with me,” said Bruce.

“I’ll be up in a minute,” said Natasha as Bucky went up. Natasha turned and looked at Bruce.

“Just leave them alone,” said Natasha when she was sure Bucky was out of earshot.

“They’re not us,” said Bruce. “They don’t have a choice on if they should or shouldn’t. They shouldn’t. End of story,” said Bruce and Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Because you always followed the rules,” said Natasha and Bruce took a deep breath.

“She’s his nurse and at the end of the day she has to tell him no. No matter what he or she feels,” said Bruce. Natasha leaned against the door and looked at him.

“That man hasn’t had the idea of love in his life for decades and her...she doesn’t see it. The last time she was in love an alien invasion happened and the person she loved died. You don’t forget that loss no matter what. You move on, but you don’t forget how you felt when you’ve had that in your life and that no matter comes into your life it won’t ever be that again. Just leave them be. You’re just going to scare them into being us,” said Natasha and she went upstairs. Bruce sighed and he went back to working on the player. He and Natasha had seemed to be getting along, but there was always going to be a thin wall between them now. _And it’s always going to be there now,_ thought Bruce. He still might try talking to Alison. _She means well and maybe this will help her see it,_ thought Bruce.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

The guitar was in the backseat in a plain black case with a package of picks, some replacement strings and with a few pieces of sheet music Alison had picked up for him. It had cost her a little more than she had planned on, but she really couldn’t wait to see the look on his face.

_“No you hold it like this,” said Matt and he adjusted her grip on the neck and it took her a second for her fingers to get used to it._

_“You really think I’ll be any good at this?” asked Alison._

_“You are one the best musician I know so this should be easy for you,” said Matt sitting behind her._

_“Ok now you hold the pick like this and away we go,” said Matt. His hand was over hers and showed her how to pick the right cords and it didn’t take long for her to pick up how each string felt different under her fingers._

_“I have blisters on me fingers,” teased Alison when they were done and Matt shrugged and kissed her hand._

_“Art is pain darling,” said Matt._

Matt’s own guitar had been destroyed when the car flipped over during the invasion and she wondered if she would have given it too Bucky if she still had it. _Well of course. Matt’s not using it and he would have wanted someone to use it. He liked teaching me and he had been debating teaching violin during the summers if things were slow._ He was a good teacher and well she hoped she was too, she had never taught anyone how to play before. She made it back before dinner and took the guitar and sheet music to his room and sat them on his bed. He was either with Bruce or Steve right now so he would be a nice surprise for him. She stashed Steve’s present in her closet, it wasn’t much but she honestly had no idea what to get him. _Honestly what do you get a ninety seven year old super soldier?_ thought Alison.

She went down to the labs to check on Franklin. After next week she wouldn’t see him in person until the new year and she hoped he would be alright once he left. It had been a rough month for him, but he seemed to be getting better.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

_Four weeks ago_

 

            “This is really stupid,” said Bucky and Alison raised an eyebrow.

            “I’m not the one who came up with this and it’s to help you express control. Now please take the other end of this pen,” said Alison. He sighed and took the other end of the pen Alison was holding. “Alright. Lead the way.” He moved the pen to the right and Alison followed him with her end of the pen and then he just started making circles with the pen and rolling his eyes and she sighed a little.

            “This only works if you take it seriously,” said Alison.

            “It’s a little hard to take anything called ‘Magic Pen’ seriously,” said Bucky. They were sitting across from each other trying to do one touch exercises and so far they all seemed really stupid to him and he had been very vocal about how stupid they all seemed. They had started them last week and her plan was to bring a new one in each week.

The week before it a clapping thing where she sat across from him and they did one of those clapping games like she learned in grade school. _Miss Mary Mack all dressed in black,_ thought Alison. This week it was something called ‘Magic Pen’. He held one end of a pen and she held the other and he was supposed to the move the pen, tell her how he was going to move it and it and she was to follow.

“I could still get Steve up here and you two could do this,” said Alison.

“Steve would agree that this is stupid too,” said Bucky and a faint smile crossed her face for second before she became serious again.

“I know they seem really stupid right now, but part of this is about you being in control again. In both exercises you tell the partner what to do and they have to follow. You have complete control on the situation. These are baby steps that build into more intimate exercises It’s like building a house. You don’t start with the roof, you start with the foundation,” said Alison and he was about to say something when there was a knock on the door followed by Jane talking through the door.

“I’m sorry to bother you. Can I come in please?” asked Jane.

“Yes,” called Alison. Jane came in looking very nervous.

“Can you please come downstairs and talk to Franklin. He’s really starting to stress out and we’re a little worried,” said Jane. Alison felt her heart sink. She had been trying to keep tabs on him, but clearly he finally having a really bad day.

“I’m going to have call a recess for now. We’ll try this again tomorrow. Will you be alright on your own for a little bit?” asked Alison.

“I’ll be fine,” said Bucky and Alison followed Jane downstairs. Alison found Franklin staring at his white boards and muttering nonstop. She had talked to him about taking his meds again and he promised her he would. _Clearly we had different ideas about what taking our meds means,_ thought Alison. Darcy and Ian were looking at him dumbfounded and Erik was trying to talk to him and Franklin was ignoring him.

“He’s just been muttering how the math isn’t right and his legacy and…” Alison put a hand on Jane’s arm.

“I’ll take care of him. Let’s just get everyone out of the room for right now alright,” said Alison. Jane nodded and she motioned for Darcy, Ian and Erik to leave the room. Darcy and Ian left quickly, but Erik looked worried and hesitant to leave Franklin behind.

“I promise to take care of him,” said Alison and Erik shook his head.

“I should have been keeping a better eye on him and making sure he was really okay,” said Erik and Alison shook her head.

“He just needs to sort some stuff out and he’ll be alright,” said Alison. Erik left the room and shut the door behind him. Alison sat down behind him and sighed.

“You promised me that you would take your medication,” said Alison and he shook his head.

“I can’t think when I’m on them! How can you think on those mind numbing substances?” asked Franklin and Alison shrugged.

“Actually they upset my female vanity more. I have nine pounds I will never lose and I will forever be stuck between a size ten and twelve,” said Alison. “Besides you aren’t thinking right without them anyhow. You need to take break right now,” said Alison.

“I’m fine!  I just need to finish this and everything will be alright! Everything will be fine once I finish this and… He shook his head and went back to the board. Alison got up and went over to him. She carefully put her hand on shoulder and looked at him.

“It’s not going to bring him back on this Earth,” said Alison softly and he looked at her shaking.

“This is my legacy...my life after I’m gone. How I’ll be remembered...you were lucky to not lose a child Alison. I know much you loved that boy, but to lose your legacy...that piece of immortality. He had so much potential and he never had a chance to use it all. I have to finish this for him,” said Franklin trying not to cry and Alison hugged him. His son Bryan had been a translator for the military and had been killed during an IED attack. The kid had just turned twenty one and was the only family Franklin had left after his wife had divorced him and left when Bryan was six.

“I know you want to do this for him and that he would be really proud of you, but he wouldn’t want you hurting yourself either. Remember what Dr. Cardno used to tell us in group?” asked Alison.

“We should think about what we would want for our love ones if we were gone instead. He was always an annoying little man and I hated sessions once you were gone. It was another reason I had to stay longer. I refused to cooperate during sessions,” said Franklin and Alison looked at him.

“How in the hell did you get out?” asked Alison.

“If your doctor fails his recertification you can ask to be re-evaluated and well I ran circles around that poor overworked ninny,” said Franklin with a hint of pride.

“You always were a sneaky old bastard and I loved you for that. For real though...you need to take care of yourself. You can’t hurt yourself this way. I know you still miss him and it’s hard,” said Alison. Franklin sat down and looked at the board.

“His birthday was two weeks ago and I actually picked up the phone to call him and I got six digits in before it hit me and it’s everyday darling. Every day I wake up and for a second I forget and then it just hits like a train. It’s been four years and I still think he’s going to come home...stupid isn’t it?” asked Franklin.

“It’s not stupid. It just happens from time to time with people like us. When I got rid of my wedding dress I cried myself to sleep that night. Even though I will never wear that dress again it was like I lost a piece of myself again. It always feel like we’re letting something go. I need you to take care of yourself though. It would really suck to lose you when you’ve come this far,” said Alison looking at the board. “Are you close?” asked Alison.

“Getting there...I just can’t think when I’m on those meds and I really needed to think,” said Franklin.

“You need to take care of yourself first or else you won’t finish this at all,” said Alison. He looked at her and hugged her tightly.

“I bet your mother was a sweet soul too. So how has it been going with your patient?” asked Franklin.

“We’re making progress and he seems to be getting along really well with Dr. Banner. He needs a friend and who else is going to understand him better than a man who deals with his own special set of rage issues,” said Alison going over to Franklin’s desk and looking for his pills. She found the bottle of Abilify and shook out two pills and found a glass of water. Franklin eyed her and wondered how clueless she really was. She looked down at him and he sighed before taking the two pills and chugging the water. _Boy doesn’t take his eyes off you for second...seems like a troubled soul, but a kind one. Wouldn’t kill you to break a few rules once in a while,_ thought Franklin.

“He does seem like a very nice men underneath it all. A rather attractive and nice man underneath it all,” said Franklin.

“I’m not going to lie he is a very attractive man, however I’m not in position be acting on base impulses even if I had them for him,” said Alison and Franklin raised an eyebrow.

“Did the meds shut that off in your head little girl?” asked Franklin and Alison laughed a little as she started straightening up papers

“It’s been off for a while now. I don’t know if that will ever turn back on again...well I did get a little doe eyed the first time I saw Steve,” teased Alison.

“Everyone gets doe eyed the first time they see that man up close. I would question your sanity if you hadn’t. Oh sit down and stop fiddling with my papers. I’ll take care them later. I am sorry I worried you and well everyone. I just...I felt fine for a while and everything just got bigger and bigger in my head,” admitted Franklin.

“That’s how it starts,” said Alison and he just rolled his eyes.

“Says the girl who studied to be a psych nurse and didn’t realize she had an anxiety disorder until she got diagnosed with it,” said Franklin and now Alison rolled her eyes.

“I’m pretty sure there are a number of doctors who have red flag symptoms of serious illnesses and don’t notice them. Sometimes we just need a good smack in the head,” said Alison and he just grinned at her. “What?” asked Alison.

“Nothing. Just debating smacking you in the head until you admit you have some base impulses towards a certain person. It’s me and we did go through a rather unusual experience together,” said Franklin

“You mean that time we swapped pills in group and I ended up with someone’s Klonopin because the medical professional in me realizes that was wrong. The mental patient in me had an amazing day. Seriously you can taste colors on that,” said Alison and he just looked at her like a teacher waiting for a student to stop screwing around. Alison took a second to organize her thoughts and even then they were a mix when it came to her and Bucky. _If you can be honest with anyone it should be a person you did time and Klonopin with,_ thought Alison.

“I’m his nurse and yeah I do feel something for him. He had his life stolen from him. Seeing him try to put the pieces back and watching him win the little battles is amazing.  He’s a really remarkable person under everything they did to him and I’m lucky to get to know him. If things were different and...I know I should have laid down better boundaries from the start, but I didn’t. I needed him to trust me and setting up those blocks might have shut him down and now I’m sort of flying by the seat of my pants. Seriously they should have gotten him a real doctor,” said Alison.

“He might not be where is if it wasn’t for you. You’re only human darling and sometimes we just feel things,” said Franklin.

“My feelings don’t matter and even if I felt those feelings I’m not a place or position to act on them. Besides he doesn’t see me in that light,” said Alison. She got up to get them some tea and Franklin shook his head. _She’s still too confused and closed off in that way to see it yet,_ thought Franklin. _It’s gonna hit her hard when it does happen._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

            Bucky just looked at the case and he opened it up slowly. It was a guitar that looked a little like the one Alison had, but it was a bit nicer and light in color than hers. There was sheet music on the bed-mostly from the 50’s or at least from what she had taught him about music. He just looked at it stunned and it felt like something was stuck in his chest all of a sudden. _She kept her promise,_ thought Bucky. He sat down and took it out its case. He had to be careful with it, he didn’t want to crush the neck. He had watched Alison played and knew you had to hold it a certain way. _She’s right handed so she holds the neck with her left hand and her right hand goes over the sound hole,_ thought Bucky. He let his fingers pluck randomly at the strings. _The last gift you got was in 1944,_ thought Bucky. He looked up when she knocked on the door frame before leaning a little bit into the room.

            “It’s spruce,” said Alison.

“What?” asked Bucky.

“The wood is spruce. It can be played on little harder than one made out of cedar. It’s from a company call Fender. A bunch of people I spoke to online said this was the best model for a beginner start on and at least three people in the shop swore their lives on it. If you don’t like it though I can always take it back and get something else,” said Alison and he just looked at her and then back to the guitar. Why wouldn’t he like it? She got it for him and had clearly bought it with him in mind?

“My mother said it’s rude to refuse a gift,” said Bucky softly.

“My grandfather said a musician and his instrument had to work together or else it was going to sound terrible,” said Alison. Bucky sat the guitar back in the case, went across the room and just hugged her. She stood still for a moment before hugging him back. There was always that slight pause before she hugged him back. _I wish you wouldn’t think before hugging me back,_ thought Bucky.

“What’s going on up there?” asked Alison slowly easing out of the hug. That was something else he wished she wouldn’t do- break away first. His forehead was resting on hers and his eyes were closed. She always did her wash on Sunday and right now she smelled like soap and dryer sheets.

“Sometimes I wonder if this is all a really good dream I’m going to wake up from. Finding Steve...him forgiving me...you...and you…” Why couldn’t he spit out what he wanted to say to her?  He could tell her how he killed six men sitting on hilltop, but to tell her what she meant to him.

“At least you know you can still have good dreams,” said Alison and opened his eyes. She was still watching him and he took a step back. _If you are a dream I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to spoil it yet._

“Thanks...just thanks,” said Bucky and she motioned to the case.

“So do you want to start now?” asked Alison.

“Yeah. Let’s start now,” said Bucky.

Alison went into her room and got her guitar and for the next few hours she taught him how to hold the guitar and how to place his hands and fingers. During this time Steve had went into Bucky’s room to see if he wanted to watch another movie when he heard them talking in the next room. Steve went into Alison’s room unnoticed and saw her teaching Bucky. Something about how happy Bucky looked smacked Steve upside the head. Bucky had girls lined up around the block for him, but never had he seen his friend look at a girl the way he looked at Alison. _Well he did have a thing for nurses when we were in England,_ thought Steve

Steve backed out the room just as unnoticed and he could recall his mother telling him that she met his father after she finished sewing up a hand he injured while trying to butcher a cow. _He was passed out from the pain, the great big dolt, but when he came to he asked if all angels did such good work._ _I let him take me to social the following weekend. I was sort of a dolt for him after that._ Steve went into his room and pulled out a forgotten sketch pad and some old pencils and started drawing how happy they looked together.   


	19. Take me out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes-Happy Christmas. I had debated making this chapter longer, but since I haven’t posted in a awhile I thought I would put this bit up and go from there.

“So you’ve never seen a baseball game?” asked Bucky and Alison took a bite of her hot dog and he had to wait a moment for her to finish chewing. Natasha had given her a pass on training and the diet this weekend so she was clearly in heaven enjoying her junk food. Alison took a sip of her root beer and shook her head.

“Grandpa was a football fan so it was football or nothing in that apartment. Well he caved once in a while and I could watch ice skating during the Olympics,” said Alison. “So today you’re the expert,” said Alison taking another bite of her hot dog. Bucky hadn’t seen a game in years, but it looked pretty much the same. _Well we watched it in the stands and not in a big room with a bar, buffet and TV,_ thought Bucky.

For Steve’s pre birthday and company party, Tony had rented something called a ‘Party Room’ at Yankee Stadium for anyone who wanted to come and watch the game. They were in a room above the stands so they had a view of the whole field and a huge TV was in the background playing the game in case you really needed to see a replay. The chairs were like recliners with a small table attached and in rows like at the movies. There was a buffet set up with some of the food Bucky remembered having when he, Steve and Becca had gone to games like hot dogs, popcorn and sodas. There was also stuff that Alison had explained had been added over the years-Nachos, large soft pretzels, chicken wings, pita and hummus. _For the vegan crowd,_ was what Alison told him when they got up for food There was also a full bar that several staff members were making use off _._ Alison had gotten him a beer and watched with a slight amusement has he drank it. It just didn’t taste right and he went up and got himself a scotch. It burned a little going down, but it was worth it. _The bar in London had an open tab for us. I’m pretty sure we could have drank them out of business if it wasn’t for the bombs,_ thought Bucky.

They were sitting behind Steve who had Tony on one side and Sam on other side. Sam had offered to move so Bucky could have his seat, but he declined and now he had Bruce on his other side and Alison had Franklin on her other side. Bucky knew the older man was leaving tomorrow and that Alison was a little sad and worried about him, but he seemed better now.

“Well you hit the ball with the bat and try to get around the bases before someone tags you with the ball,” said Bucky and was rewarded with her mock glaring at him. Bucky shrugged and Alison moved on to her nachos

“Lucky I’m off the clock and have food to distract me,” said Alison and Tony turned to looked at her

“Are you really off the clock? I have not seen you off the clock since the day we hired you,” said Tony.

“I told her she was off the clock,” said Steve turning around and looking at them. “I also told her to enjoy her day off tomorrow with her grandfather,” said Steve.

“You are aware you work for Captain America and your grandfather could see him in person instead of at the museum,” said Tony. Bucky saw her eyes flash annoyance for a second before coming back to normal.

“But then he wouldn’t get all the other fun stuff and I have taken him almost every year to see the kids at his old school perform Star Spangled Man. Traditions. Some traditions must be upheld no matter how tedious they seem,” said Alison taking a pull from her root beer. Natasha took a seat next to Franklin and passed Alison a glass with some green liquid in it

“What’s this?” asked Alison.

“Appletini, you look like you enjoy girly drinks,” said Natasha.

“I like drinks in general,” said Alison sipping it. Wanda and Vision had taken seats behind them and Bucky was a little surprised to see them out. Wanda and Vision preferred to have their meals in the private kitchen and they spent their free time in their rooms. Bucky had seen Steve or Natasha try a few times to coax them into joining them for dinner or to watch a movie to no success. Steve explained to Bucky that Wanda had signed up for Hydra experiments which is where she got her powers from. She had fought against them at first with Ultron, but when she realized what she had done she turned to help them. She had lost her brother in the fight though and it weighed on her. She trained well and she trained hard, but opening up to the team was hard for her. Especially now with Bruce back, she had hurt him the most. Clearly Wanda was nervous, but she tapped Alison on the shoulder.

“Your football. It’s not like football back home. You throw the ball right?” asked Wanda and Alison nodded. _Even on her days off she’s explaining stuff to people who got screwed up by Hydra,_ thought Bucky.

“We call your football soccer here. I think we saw Sokovia play once didn’t we?” asked Alison looking at Franklin and he nodded.

“We weren’t too gone on our meds yet. Sokovia vs Brazil I believe was the match up. The commentary was all in Spanish so she had to explain it to me. I think you started making it up towards the end,” said Franklin.

“You really thought the game was called due to a case of floppy haircuts after three hours?” asked Alison.

“Well it was tied two to two and clearly the ref wanted to leave too. Honestly that man looked like he was watching paint dry,” said Franklin.

“You two watched a game for three hours and didn’t understand what was going on?” asked Vision confused and Franklin shrugged.

“They wouldn’t give us the remote,” said Franklin.

“Beside when they have you enough mood altering drugs in your system everything is sort of whatever,” said Alison,

“We had fun though,” said Franklin and Alison took a sip of appletini and laughed.

“The medical professional realizes I was sort of a pain in the ass the first couple of weeks I was there, but the mental patient in me had a little bit of good time,” said Alison.

“What did you do?” asked Bucky and Alison turned pink.

“I’m not going to give you any ideas,” said Alison sipping more of her drink.

“Oh come on now. We weren’t that bad or mean to people. It was little harmless pranks. Like making up stories in group,” said Franklin and Alison gave him a look.

“You are really making me regret talking to you that first day,” said Alison and Franklin simply shrugged.

“You made up stories?” asked Bucky leaning back in his chair amused and Alison sighed.

“Our normal group doctor was gone on vacation and the doctor who replaced him for that week clearly hadn’t read any notes or the files on us. Plus he kept calling me ‘Amy’ and he called Franklin ‘Frankie’ one time too many so we started pulling famous movie deaths and using them for our backstory,” said Alison. Natasha leaned over with a smirk on her face.

“And what was yours?” asked Natasha and Alison smirked a little.

“My cousin was trampled by wildebeest during an African Safari. It was just horrible,” sniffled Alison and she wiped her eyes.

            “My uncle was a great boxer who tried to take on one last fight with a Soviet boxer and well he just didn’t make it,” said Franklin sadly and they both started laughing.

            “We got in trouble with our private doctors after that. I think they were going to put us in different groups, but they were shorted staff,” said Alison.

            “Good times,” said Franklin and he gave Alison a pat on the head and she made a little face at him before turning back to look out at over to field as the game got started. Yankees against the Cubs. There was teasing and naming calling between people about their team choices. Steve said he was still miffed about the Brooklyn Dodgers being sold to LA. Tony explained that he had tried to buy the Dodgers as a birthday gift with no luck. Franklin got Alison another drink and they mocked toasted each other. Vision was explaining innings to Wanda, while Sam and Sharon shared a thing of popcorn. Bruce was chatting with Jane and Natasha had gotten up to get more drinks with Rhodey and Maria.

 This felt right somewhere in back of Bucky’s mind. _I liked baseball. We would play catch in the alley behind the apartment. Steve had a decent arm and sometimes Becca would come down and Ma would make us play with her. Becca joked about joining the girl baseball teams and she didn’t have a bad arm herself._ _I took Becca to see the games; she seemed to be the only dame I knew who liked baseball,_ thought Bucky.

He looked over and Alison seemed to be really into the game, her food sat untouched as the first three innings went by. She was mouthy and her insults about the Cubs had David asking if she kissed her granddaddy with the mouth.

“Where do you think I learned it from?” asked Alison.

“You would make my granddaddy blush,” said David. Bucky looked at him.

“Your grandpa was disappointed we didn’t have time for prostitutes in France,” said Bucky and Alison nearly choked on her drink and Steve whipped his head around as everyone started laughing.

“Bucky!” said Steve and Bucky simply shrugged.

“I’m not supposed to censor my happy memories and Dugan asking Dernier where to find prostitutes was rather amusing. At least I found it funny,” said Bucky.

“Did you find them?” asked Tony ignoring an elbow Pepper jabbed into his side.

“We didn’t have time to find them. Places to go and stuff to blow up,” said Bucky.

“Well that is a mental image I will now have to drink out my head,” said David and he went back to the bar.

“I think you broke his brain,” said Alison with a grin. Bucky shrugged and without much thought he put his right arm around her shoulders. He had done this all the time when Steve had been smaller. Just thrown an arm him and pulled him in for a half bear hug before they walked home together. She was a little taller than Steve had been before the serum so it was almost a perfect fit for him. He felt her stiffen up for a moment before settling where she was. _The movies, girls would lean in to rest their heads on my shoulder when I did this,_ thought Bucky. He found himself wishing she would lean in.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Alison felt that quick little jolt in her stomach has he put his arm around her. From what Steve had told her Bucky had been one of those physical friendly people; someone who would hug you just because he could. She wasn’t annoyed that Bucky had so casually draped an arm around her, he was just being himself and well it’s what she had been brought in to do. It was the little jolt in her stomach that annoyed her. It was attraction, a pesky feeling she hadn’t felt since Matt’s death.

At first she could chalk up not feeling that way towards anyone due to depression and grief. After getting out the hospital she could pin it on trying to get her life back in order. A serious relationship with sex would only make things messy for her.  Sophia had suggested not so subtly it might do her some good to just hook up with someone to just make sure she still functioned. Maybe Alison was old fashioned, but the thought of just casual-one night stand sex just made her feel weird. She was tired of feeling weird and it just stressed her out so she simply put that out of her mind. Now though if she were to be honest with herself the feeling for something more had slowly started creeping back in and she wasn’t sure what to do about it.

She had attractive patients in the past and it was always a bit of a joke among the nurses she used to work with to find ways to flirt with a cute patient, to joke about sponge baths and what could be done to extend the patient's stay. You never crossed the line though; you didn’t seek out a current patient for a relationship. Hell even after the treatment was done and you started a relationship with a patient it was done on the sly for at least the first six months to a year to avoid any accusations of abuse or manipulation.  

She would be lying to herself if she denied that she was a little physical attracted to Bucky. He was easily the best looking guy she had laid eyes on in months and well it was his eyes that did her in. Those dark blue eyes just pushed a button in her head that she believed was under lock and key.   _It was sort of the same with Matt; he had the prettiest eyes I had ever seen,_ thought Alison. However it was starting to become a little more than physical attraction and that was what made that pesky feeling so much worse.

Alison was starting to like Bucky on an emotional level that she knew she shouldn’t. He was one of the bravest people she had ever met. After everything he had gone through he could have given up anywhere along the way and the fact that he kept trying just spoke to something in her. She might be helping him pick up the pieces, but he wanted to pick them up no matter how painful they might be. She knew how hard rebuilding yourself could be and while the pieces might not fit the same, parts of which Bucky Barnes used to be were coming through with more clarity. He was a good man underneath everything and someone who wanted to understand her.

It was getting a little harder to ignore or brush off questions Bucky would ask about her past. Even Matt had never really pried about her parents. They were dead and the book the closed on that topic between them. It wasn’t that he didn’t care; he just didn’t know how to talk about it since he really had never lost anyone. She hadn’t even told Sam about how guilty she felt about her parents and she told Sam everything. _Well almost everything._ For some reason she couldn’t put her finger on it just felt so easy to tell Bucky. Matt had loved her for who she was in the moment and where she was going. Where she had been never really came up much between them. With Bucky he wanted to know everything and it was the first time anyone wanted that from her and it was the first time she felt alright to tell someone everything. She couldn’t though and it was just something she would have to deal with. _God you haven’t had a relationship since you were seventeen and now you don’t know how to handle your own stupid feelings and emotions,_ thought Alison.

“Are you going to get that?” asked Franklin snapping Alison out of her thoughts. Her phone was chiming that she had text messages. Alison pulled the phone out of her pocket and saw she had missed texts from Sophia.

 _So have you made up your mind yet? He’s really cute._ Was what the first text had read and it had a little winky face next to it. Alison fought back a sigh. Earlier this week Renee and Sophia had hinted they wanted to set her up for another blind date. They knew a guy who taught at Renee’s school and was now currently single. He and his wife were in the middle of a divorce and well single people couldn’t be single. She told them she needed to think about it and well she really hadn’t thought about it. _Was I like this when I was with Matt to my single friends? Trying to couple everyone up?_ thought Alison

            _Come on! I promise this one is not a douche. He’s a dad with a four year old so he might even be a little too respective of you._ Alison liked kids, but really she wasn’t sure about dating a newly almost single dad. _He might have more baggage than I do,_ thought Alison.  The final text had a warning bell going off in Alison’s head.

            _Fine maybe Sam can talk sense into you._ All the little Emoji’s were winking faces and Alison debated finding the person who made those stupid little faces and punching him. She started to text Sophia back when Sam turned around and eyed her.

            “So did you really think about it or did you tell them you would think about it so they would go away for five minutes?” asked Sam.

            “I didn’t say when I would think about it,” said Alison. She sent Sophia a text with a bunch of annoyed faces and Sam rolled his eyes.

            “Think about what?” asked Bucky and Alison could feel her face turning red.

            “My friends are trying to play matchmaker again and they really suck at it,” said Alison.

            “It was one bad date,” said Sam.

            “I’ve had two bad dates,” admitted Alison and Sam got wide eyed

            “When did this happen?” asked Sam.

            “Three weeks ago and it was bad. That is all you need to know. Now can all the attention go back to the game and not on my non-existing dating pool?” asked Alison. Natasha leaned over and eyed Alison.

“I thought you were just meeting someone to rent the apartment to. Simple cover story. I applaud that. You get too many details and it ruins everything,” said Natasha. “So new guy or someone you knew from before...your friends did the setting up so I’m going to guess new to you,” said Natasha.

“It was a guy from college that I took Spanish with and he was looking for a cheap place to crash while he settles into a new job. Sophia is friends with him on Facebook so she gave him my info and it turned out to be horrible. Now I’m going to get a drink and you can tell Sophia that I’ve bought the cat lady starter set so no to all blind date requests,” said Alison. She got up and went over to the bar and ordered a rum and coke. Alison felt Bucky’s hand on her lower back and that damn twitchy jolt was back.

“Is there really a museum in this place?” asked Bucky.

“Downstairs,” said Alison.

“They plan on grilling you about what went wrong on this date so I’m offering you a game delay. I know you’re supposed to be off the clock, but I really shouldn’t be going off on my own. I might get into trouble,” said Bucky with a slight grin. _What the hell I’m not on the clock,_ thought Alison. She downed her drink and together they slipped out of the party.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

A part of Bucky was annoyed for some reason she hadn’t told him she had gone out for a date _it’s her personal life and it’s none of your business_ and another part was sort of happy that it went badly for her. Yet there was another part of him that wondered why any guy wouldn’t be decent towards her. She was smart, funny, and nice. _Not to mention pretty...shut up,_ thought Bucky. She took his hand as they went through the crowd and they went downstairs and into the museum and Bucky shook his head.

“We used to come here just for the games,” he said. There was a wall filled with baseballs that had been signed by former players and Bucky’s right hand went back to her lower back has they looked around. His left arm was hidden by a long sleeved shirt and his left hand was in his pocket. Tony’s cloaking device worked as long as no one touched the arm. With a crowd this big it was just easier to find other ways to hide it.

“I think I might have seen a few of guys play,” said Bucky looking at some of the photos on the wall.

“Thanks for the game delay. I shouldn’t have said anything about a second date. Stupid really,” said Alison. She looked down at one of the touch displays and started scrolling through to see where the players from his time were on the baseball wall. He swallowed and wondered if she would get annoyed the way she had with Sam, but he wanted to know.

“Can I ask what made it so terrible?” asked Bucky and Alison sighed. She didn’t look annoyed with him though and she only seemed to debate the question for few seconds before she started to talk.

“Well it really wasn’t supposed to be a date. He really just wanted to look at the apartment and we agreed to meet for lunch. We had taken Spanish together in college and he had studied music. He told me he was trying to get a music program started at the school he was working at.  I told him that while he was looking at the apartment I could go down into the basement and dig up some of the sheet music that my grandfather had stashed from his teaching days. It was just nice you know to not have someone not be weird around me...I mean from my past,” said Alison and they went down to view another display.

“So I let him into the apartment and told him to look around while I tried to find the sheet music. It took me like ten minutes and I go back upstairs and he’s just lying on the sofa minus all his clothes,” said Alison and Bucky just looked at her.

“You are making this up,” said Bucky and Alison shook her head.

“I wish I was. Apparently it’s a thing now. He tried blaming a T.V show and he said a few girls actually went for it. I guess my standards are a little high,” said Alison and she went back to the display.

Bucky was starting to wonder what the hell happened to guys over the last couple of decades. _A little respect doesn’t hurt anyone,_ thought Bucky. Granted looking back he could sort of see he had gone through one girl too many, but he never went out of his way to hurt them on purpose. If he had hurt anyone he was sorry that he had. Nothing ever seemed to click all the way for him. _It’s clicking right now,_ thought Bucky and he shoved the thought away.

“It was disrespectful to do that. I mean he knows what happened to you right?” asked Bucky.

“About Matt. Yeah. He figured since it’s been awhile he would take a shot and I nearly threw a three ring binder at him for thinking that was a decent shot. He did make the best offer on the apartment though,” said Alison. She sounded so disappointed and annoyed he felt for her. She deserved so much better than she had told him. _If things were different….If I wasn’t this...I’m a murderer. She knows that and she still looks us the eye and treats like we’re still a person._

“So dating has become a really aggressive activity,” said Bucky lightly trying to ignoring the nagging in his head.

“I haven’t dated since I was seventeen so I really had no idea how aggressive it’s gotten,” said Alison.

“What was it like...when you were dating and seventeen? The first date?” asked Bucky. Alison got a little smile on her face.

“He asked me out for coffee and we went to this little coffee house that sadly sold out to Starbucks a few years ago. I got a hot chocolate with peppermint and a blueberry muffin. He got an Italian soda with a slice of chocolate cake. We sat there and we just talked. Talked for hours. He had come from a school in Queens and they had canceled the music program there so he transferred to my school. He really wanted a scholarship to NYU and music was his best chance to get it. He teased me a bit about wanting to go into nursing. I mocked him for his future as a starving artist. We agreed that the Spice Girls was the most shameful thing you could admit to liking musically and that their movie only made sense while on cough syrup. He walked me home, told me he had a nice time and asked if I could stay after school because there was a piece he wanted to work on and he wanted me to hear it. He shook my hand and left.”

“He shook your hand?” asked Bucky teasing.

“Well my grandfather was waiting at the door; it wasn’t like he was going to kiss me with an audience. He finally worked up the nerve to kiss me on our fifth date right before Thanksgiving break,” said Alison. _I think I might have gotten to a second date with you before I laid one on you,_ thought Bucky.

“I think he and Steve would have gotten along great,” said Bucky.

“Two starving artists with us to make sure they took care themselves? That almost sounds like a comedy,” said Alison.

“Well we weren’t always starving. Maybe on the verge of hungry a lot,” said Bucky and she laughed a little.  

“Becca told me she always tried to sneak you guys out some raisin bread. Your sister has one hell of a memory and a mouth on her. So you really got Steve a date with a thirty year old woman?” teased Alison and Bucky had to think about it and when it finally came to him it made him laugh so loud the few other patrons stared at them.

“She told you that,” said Bucky and Alison grinned.

“Oh yeah. Poor Steve got the old lady and you ended up with some bubble headed blonde. Her words about the blonde, not mine,” said Alison.

“I miss her you know...do you really think she would want to see me again?” asked Bucky.

“Yes. She’s your family and she loves you and always will no matter what. When she talks about you and Steve there is this spark and I can tell how much she really loved you,” said Alison.

“I do want to see her. I’m just scared you know. I’m really not the Bucky she remembers. Not all of me,” said Bucky.

Right now he sort of felt a little bit like the guy Steve and his memories told him he had been. He had always been so sure of himself and as Alison had pointed out more than once, he was charming. There had once been a time when being alone with a girl wouldn’t have made him so nervous. He was alone with her all the time, but something about this felt different and he didn’t know why. Maybe because he was out in public for the first times in months. Maybe it was how casual they were being with each. _Maybe it’s just those legs you want wrapped around your waist,_ whispered a voice and he very nearly told it to shut up out loud. Alison stood in front of him and looked up at him. She had missed that brief flash of annoyance he had with his thoughts about her.

“A part of you is still that guy though.  I’m not the same person I was at seventeen. I’m not same person I was at twenty six and I’m not the same person I was about a year ago. People change for a lot of  reasons. Not always for the best reasons. You take whatever best you can find and run with it. You’re still finding your best,” said Alison. Bucky looked at her and she smiled at him.

“I know you don’t think it, but you’re making a lot of really good progress. You don’t zone out as much as you used too and when you do you snap yourself out it quickly. You’re remembering more things from before the war and you aren’t freaking out when you do remember. I know that talking about what happened to you during the war isn’t easy on you, but you’re talking about it and understanding what happened to you from before. You’ve gotten a lot better at telling people what you want and trying to start new friendships. You still have a lot to recover from, but you are so far from where you were over a year ago when you escaped and were on the run,” said Alison.

“You mean trying to kill my best friend and working for Hydra,” said Bucky. Alison reached up and tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear. For a nano second he expected a slap or to have his hair pulled. He tensed and then relaxed when he realized what she was doing.

“Two months ago I probably would have been peeling myself off the wall for doing that. It’s a bunch of little steps,” said Alison. He took a step towards her and took her hand in his. She looked down for a second before looking back up at him. No one was paying attention to them and something about how she looked up at him just did something to him. She had such kind eyes and he swallowed hard.

“I…” started Bucky when he heard Tony call out.

“It’s rude to leave a party without telling anyone. Very, very, very rude,” said Tony. Bucky suddenly wanted to put his fist through a wall. _You really couldn’t have waited another minute?_ Really all he wanted was one minute. Just one minute to see what kissing her would feel like.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            After the game was over a lot of people headed for the airport to catch planes home. Steve and Tony agreed to let pretty much everyone have a week off. Almost everyone took off as soon as the game was done to go home and see family. Most of the scientists actually went back to Headquarters so they could work and some of the medical staff went back with them to make sure if something blew up that everyone would be alright. Ian and Darcy had left earlier in the week. Jane and Erik decided to leave this evening. Franklin had decided to catch a red eye so Alison had decided to take Franklin out for one last real American meal before he left for the next seven months.

            “I can’t remember the last time I had fried chicken this good,” said Franklin as he finished the first drumstick and moved onto the breast. They were currently sitting at Blue Mama the only place, well in her mind, that did chicken and waffles right. Pepper had said dinner would be served at The Tower for those who were staying the night. However Alison really wanted a one on one goodbye with her former fellow crazy.

            “I’ve never had any luck trying to make my own fried chicken. Nearly burnt down the apartment the first time I tried,” said Alison.  

            “You have other talents,” said Franklin holding up his glass and they clinked glasses. They fell into a comfortable silence while they ate. Franklin looked around the restaurant and smiled.

            “I promise to be good while I’m away. I don’t want you worrying about me,” said Franklin.

            “I sort of worry all the time anyway. The meds even it out, but I still worry. So I will worry about you because I like you and want you to take care of yourself,” said Alison. She dipped her waffle into the maple syrup and sighed. “Natasha is gonna run my ass ragged when she finds out what I’m shoveling in. It’s so worth it though,” said Alison taking a bite of the waffle.

            “Well if I can’t make you promise to not worry about me. Can you promise me something else?” asked Franklin.

            “I will not go back the hospital and kick Nurse Dune for you. The woman is brick house and could kick my ass even with Natasha schooling me,” said Alison.

            “Ah I’ve gotten over that. Really though it was the season finale and she could have let us have another five minutes. We weren’t hurting anyone. I want you to try. I mean really try and go out on date,” said Franklin. Alison sat her fork down and eyed him.

            “Oh not you too,” said Alison.

            “Just hear me out young lady. I know how much Matt meant to you and I know you two would have been very happy together, but he wouldn’t want you to be alone,” said Franklin.

            “I was really lonely after he died…that’s why it was so hard. Not the being alone, but being lonely. I had Robert and some of my friends, but it just wasn’t the same. In the last few months though, I haven’t felt lonely anymore. I have a job I can be proud of, I get to go back to school and I’m making some really good friends. I just...I’m scared,” admitted Alison. “I know I shouldn’t be scared about trying to feel that way about someone again, but I am. What happens if I feel away and they don’t? What happens if we both feel it and something goes wrong? What if I can’t feel that again and I never do? Really it’s annoying,” Alison tried to joke, but she felt a lump in throat and took a long drink of her water to get rid of it. She thought all those things and then some. There had been something about the way Bucky had looked at her right before Tony came down that had sent off a faint warning bell in her head. _What if Bucky wasn’t a patient...could I let myself feel that way for him?_ thought Alison. She quickly shoved the thought away hard and looked at Franklin who smiled and patted her hand.

            “Nothing will ever replace my boy, but I’ve come to think of you a little like a daughter and if I did have one I would want her to be like you. Nothing will replace Matt in your heart, but you still have room in your heart for someone like that. And whoever they are will be very lucky to have you in their lives,” said Franklin.

            “I’ll try,” said Alison. Franklin smiled and he went back to his food. “However if I see him without his pants on before I give the okay we’re going to have problems,” said Alison stabbing her waffle.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            The last time Bucky had been here he had only seen the medical area, the small kitchen and the roof. Steve was giving him the full tour of the Tower and Bucky who thought Headquarters was impressive was stunned by how everything here seemed to outdo what they had.

“I used to think having a private bathroom would be the best thing in the world,” said Bucky as Steve showed him the bedroom he would be staying in. It had two queen sized beds, a room for the TV with a mini bar and a huge bathroom. Alison’s overnight bag was tossed on one the beds and his own was on the other.

“Maybe I’ll actually try to sleep in the bed tonight,” said Bucky trying to joke. He sat down on the bed and it sank under him. It was too soft, but he would at least try. Steve sat down on Alison’s bed and looked at him.

“I know...it’s like a marshmallow,” said Steve. Bucky sort of shrugged and Steve tried another track. “I noticed you haven’t lost your ability to sneak out a crowd with a girl. You two missed the best play of the game,” teased Steve. Bucky looked at Steve before looking away a bit nervous.

“I wanted to see the museum downstairs. I sort of remembered seeing some of the players. I didn’t think going by myself would be a good idea...just in case. Her day off and she still doesn’t get a break from me,” scoffed Bucky and Steve looked at him. Bucky had seemed annoyed when he and Alison had come back to the party room. Alison had taken Franklin out for dinner and Bucky seemed very lost in thought as they headed back to the tower

“You still had fun though? I know it was a lot to take in. It threw me too the first time I went for a game there after I came back,” said Steve.

“I had fun,” said Bucky and he got up and went over to the window. Steve followed and noticed his friend seemed very out of sorts.

“What’s going on up there?” asked Steve.

“I think I wanna go and see Becca, but I’m scared. I know Alison said she wouldn’t hate me, but what if she does? What if I tell her what happened in D.C. and she hates me?” asked Bucky. Steve carefully put a hand on his shoulder and Bucky looked up at him.

“I don’t hate you and if I don’t hate you there is no way your sister is going to hate you. She’s probably going to be shocked and upset about what happened to you, but she’s not going to hate you. When I got to see her again we talked about you for hours. She wanted to know if half of what you wrote was true. It wasn’t by the way. I like to think I wasn’t that stupid,” said Steve.

“From what I do remember you were really stupid,” said Bucky with a hint of a smile and Steve smiled at him.

“Maybe just a little stupid,” said Steve. Bucky looked back out the window.

“Do you think we could go this weekend. On Sunday before we head back?” asked Bucky and Steve nodded. He really was making good progress. Asking was becoming easier for him. He used to fumble and really struggle with every word.

“Of course we can. Alison will be there so she can help break it to Becca about what happened to you,” said Steve.  Bucky kept looking out the window and started twisting the dog tags. If he couldn’t be hundred percent honest with Steve who could he be honest with?

“I snuck out to be alone with Alison,” said Bucky.

“I figured as much,” said Steve. Bucky kept twisting the tags and tried to figure out his words.

“I just want...if things were different,” Bucky suddenly let out a bitter laugh. “Hell if things were different I would probably still be her patient only I would be in wheelchair. I wouldn’t have given her a second look before the war. She’s not easy and I would have moved on to someone that was,” said Bucky. Steve knew he didn’t mean easy in a strictly sexual way. Alison might have been slightly charmed by the James Barnes before the war, but she would have seen through him and demanded a little more effort from him. If it wasn’t effortless Bucky moved on.

“Do you want me to talk to her for you?” asked Steve and Bucky looked up Steve quickly.

“No. I mean...I want to tell her and then I freeze up because I’m not...I’m not...I’m really messed up. She had this wonderful relationship and she deserves to have that level of wonderful again...I can’t give her that. Hell I still have days picking out a shirt seems like the most impossible thing. She had to help me pack a bag Steve because I honestly didn’t know what to bring. Do you really think I could handle a relationship? I don’t even know if it’s...I haven’t been with anyone in a long time. Sometimes I just look at her and...you know?” asked Bucky hoping he wouldn’t have to spell that out for Steve.

“She is sort of pretty,” said Steve and he lapsed into silence to gather his thoughts. “I know she really loved that guy and that moving on hasn’t been easy on her either. If things were different Buck you wouldn’t be here asking yourself if you deserved her, you could still try to make each other happy. You two seem very at ease with each other. I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you look at her,” said Steve. Bucky looked at him and shook his head.

“I could hurt her Steve. I’ve done it before and it was easy. I didn’t even remember doing it. I know I have better control than I did before, but if I were lose control, even for a second...I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her and couldn’t take it back,” said Bucky. He looked so troubled by the thought Steve wondered if he was going to get physically sick.

“You don’t have to tell her now. Or tomorrow, but you should someday or you’ll regret it if you don’t,” said Steve.

“I just need to get myself together a little better before I try. I want to be able to trust myself before I try anything,” said Bucky. Bucky wondered if he ever could trust himself that way again. _Damn them. Damn them for keeping me alive and making me questioning everything I am,_ thought Bucky.

“We trust you. I hope you consider that when you’re making up your mind about where you want to be with her,” said Steve.

“I’ll try,” said Bucky. Steve gave him a small smile.

“Let’s head up to dinner alright,” said Steve. Bucky followed him and saw there wasn’t very many people on hand. All the Avengers had stayed which wasn’t a big surprise to Bucky. They had become the closest thing Steve really had to family. Maria Hill had stayed and was talking to David and someone else from the medical staff. Dinner was Thai food, something that Steve really fallen in love with, but sometimes was a bit too spicy for Bucky’s liking. They were settling in to watch a movie when Alison came back. Her eyes looked a little pink and she made a joke to Sam about how dusty the airport had been.

“Really it’s gross,” said Alison sitting down next to Bucky. The movie was some comedy about people who hunted ghosts and Alison, Sam, Sharon and Natasha kept muttering lines at each other until Tony and Steve threaten them all with firing.

“I won’t let them fire you,” whispered Bucky and he put his arm around her shoulders. She stiffened for a second before letting her head rest on his arm.

“Thanks,” whispered Alison.

 


	20. Gonna sing the words wrong

_You have a friend request._ Alison eyed the phone before opening her Facebook app. She looked over to see Bucky was gone and she wasn’t too worried that he left without waking her up. He had started doing yoga in the morning with Bruce and they tended to meet either for breakfast or for his sessions.

She only recently starting using Facebook again and she had locked it down so she didn’t get a lot of random friend request. She had started using it again in April right before Sophia and Renee’s engagement party. God she nearly started crying when she realized she hadn’t changed her relationship status since Matt’s death and she had to click the little button that said she was single.  She honestly couldn’t remember the last time she had a friend request. Most people with the Avengers didn’t add each other in hopes of keeping work and personal stuff a little separated since they all lived together. The friend request came from a guy named Justin Sinti and it had a message attached. Alison opened the message and prayed it wasn’t a virus spammer.

            _Hi. I’m Renee’s friend Justin. We teach at the same school. I hope I’m not bothering you, but Renee said we’re kind of in the same boat-single and almost thirty. Well I’m in thirties so it’s almost the same boat. Sorry I’m rambling. If you’re free anytime this week would you be open to going out to dinner? I promise I don’t have any weird food allergies and I love gluten. Seriously if you don’t want your gluten I will gladly take it from you. Feel free to message me here or call me at the school during lunch. Hope to hear from you soon-Justin._

            Alison had to bite back a little laugh about the gluten line. It was a little dorky, but funny too.  This must be the guy that Renee and Sophia kept insisting she needed to meet. Clearly he decided to take the first step and sought her out.

Alison considered the friend request and decided to see what she could of his profile before accepting and found like her he had it locked down so you couldn’t see much other than the basics. Name, age relationship status and a profile picture. Name- Justin Sinti. Age-32. Relationship Status-It’s complicated. His profile picture was a tall blond man in a green tee shirt standing next to Goofy. He seemed nice and possibly normal, but she decided to think a little more before accepting the request and the offer for dinner.  

Alison put her clothes in the bathroom and got in the shower. She had slept in a little later than normal and didn’t want to be late. She had been up to almost one in the morning talking with Steve and Bucky about going to see Becca. Bucky did want to see her again, but he was worried and that was to be expected. It was agreed upon that Steve would break the news to Becca about Bucky being alive. It would be best to hear it from Steve since she knew him best. Alison agreed to be there in case Bucky needed her or to answer any questions Becca had.

Alison finished her shower and started getting dressed. _He’s making really good progress and this is a huge step for him. She’s another link to his old life and facing her is going to be hard, but he’s not backing away,_ thought Alison. She wished she could be half as brave as Bucky was.

She was getting better about her personal life and she had made new friends. _Alone, but not lonely,_ thought Alison, But the idea of taking a step back towards dating still had her in knots. _If it was Bucky you were taking a step towards would you be this way,_ thought Alison and she almost dropped her hair brush. She took a deep breath and counted to ten. She liked him on a level she shouldn’t and that was her own fault for not maintaining some boundaries with him from the start. What if Franklin was right though and had she put up those boundaries? Would he be where he was now with people? Something about him just tugged at her and it was more than a basic attraction. _How many guys like Tommy Dorsey?_ thought Alison. She zipped up the back of her dress and put on some make up. He was off limits to her and she was in too deep now to back out. Besides he didn’t see her that way. _If he flirts it’s who he was and even it meant something you can’t encourage it. I won’t hurt him that way._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

            Bucky had decided to go for a run with Steve that morning and when he got back to the Tower he was in badly in need of a shower. The race had started has a joke more or less, but soon the need to win overtook both men and since there was no judge they bickered about who actually won the fifteen mile race.

            “Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you get to win,” muttered Bucky downing what was left in his water bottle.

            “Don’t hate me because I’m a few months younger than you,” said Steve rubbing a cramp in his leg. Alison wasn’t in the room so Bucky peeled the damp shirt off the second the bedroom door was closed and was about to remove his pants when Alison came out of the bathroom. She had still been sleeping when he left this morning and he figured she would be gone by now to see her grandfather and talk to Becca. They had talked last night about him wanting to see Becca again and Alison said she would tell her Steve would be visiting her and that he had something important to tell her. _She makes everything seem so damn easy,_ thought Bucky.

            “Yoga was intense this morning?” asked Alison joking.

            “Running with Steve,” said Bucky suddenly feeling very aware he was half naked in front of her. Granted she had seen him naked before, but he really hadn’t thought of her at all or himself. He had sort of gotten used to people seeing him in various states of dress over the years. After all he had been a weapon and who cares if the weapon was cold or wanted someone to stop touching him. She had been the first person to treat him and his body with any sort of respect in years. _She cared about what I wanted and if I was alright. Even before it was her job to care about me. She cared because it’s who she is._ There had once been a time he cared about people because it was who had been. He wondered if she would have liked that side of him because he didn’t know if he could find all those pieces again. He cared about Steve and Becca because he could remember caring about them from before. He was starting to care a little bit about Bruce and the others he was slowly forming friendships with. And Alison...god he wished he didn’t care for her. It would be so much easier if he didn’t care.  

            “You look pretty,” said Bucky and Alison gave a little shrug. She was wearing a dark blue spaghetti strapped dress that went down to her knees. It wasn’t too relieving or form fitting, but it did make him want to guess what she wasn’t showing. She had her hair down in loose waves and she had actually taken time to fuss with make-up. She didn’t wear make up a lot. It was an old habit from her nursing days she explained once. She got tired of it running and sweating it off it during her shift so why bother. He noticed a lot of the women on med staff didn’t fuss with it unless they were leaving for the city on a day off.

            “I thought I would try to look decent for my grandpa and for the party later,” said Alison. Bucky remembered he had her dog tags and handed them over to her and she smiled. “I almost forgot. Thanks,” said Alison putting them back on.

            “I’ll see you later on this afternoon?” asked Bucky and she nodded.

            “The concert should end around two and I should be back here by three or four since the traffic is going to be crazy,” said Alison.  

            “You should get going than,” said Bucky.

            “Try to have fun while I’m out,” said Alison and she picked up her phone and purse before heading out. Bucky went into the bathroom, stripped and turned the water to the coldest setting. He could sort of hear the Soldier in the back is his mind telling him to stop fighting the urges _. She makes you weak with all this wanting. Just take her and make the want stop. It will stop when you have her. She’s weak compared to us...we felt something when she was under us fighting for her life. Was it right? I’m so tired of all this feeling. I don’t want to feel it anymore. Just do something and make it stop._

Bucky knew better though, he couldn’t and wouldn’t hurt her in anyway. He loved her too much to do that. Yes there was a good deal of lust for her, but he was starting to see there was a lot of love mixed in there. She saw him. When no one in the world had noticed him she had seen him in his time of need and reached out to him. How easy would it have been for her to walk away and ignore him? So many others had in the past. She didn’t have it in her heart though to hurt anyone and he used to think about how easy snapping her neck would be. How could she love someone like him when he still had all horrible thoughts in his head? _Stupid. I’m so damn stupid,_ thought Bucky.

            He got out of the shower and started getting dressed. He could just walk away and go back into hiding; _You’ll hurt her and Steve if you leave. Beside you’ve done enough running away from what you’ve done,_ thought Bucky.

Maybe this was his karma; Bruce had explained karma to him. That good deeds result in a good future and bad deeds lead to future suffering. Well if he had any good karma from his time growing up and fighting against Hydra during the war he lost it all after being an assassin for over seven decades. He couldn’t have Alison because he wasn’t supposed to. She was a reminder of all the things he couldn’t have because of all the horrible things he had done. Maybe someday he could have someone good like her love him back. In the meantime Bucky Barnes would take his punishment like so many punishments he had taken in the past. At least this was a punishment he deserved...

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Alison had just pulled into the parking lot of the nursing home when she remembered she was supposed to bring Becca a burger and forgot.

“Damn it,” muttered Alison as she grabbed the dress jacket out of the car and went inside. _I’ll see about getting her one tomorrow,_ thought Alison.

“Ms. Conley,” called one of the nurses just as she was signing in. Alison looked up and saw it was Mindy one of the nurses she always saw on the weekend shift.

“Hi Mindy,” said Alison and the look on Mindy’s face told her that she didn’t have good news.

“I know you planned on taking your grandfather out today, but it’s not a very good idea. We were just about to call you. Dr. Mathis wants to talk to you,” said Mindy. _Oh that’s never good,_ thought Alison. Bracing herself for bad news Alison took a seat in the lobby and Mindy paged Dr. Mathis. A few minutes later an older Indian man came and took a seat across from Alison.

“I’m sorry to have to break this too you on a holiday,” said Dr. Mathis.

“Bad news doesn’t take a holiday,” said Alison. “He’s getting worse isn’t he,” said Alison and Mathis nodded.

“The shaking has started increasing again. I could up his medication, but then we would have to adjust everything else which could make other things worse. He hasn’t been sleeping very well in the evenings, which means he wants to sleep all day. We’ve noticed more stiffness in his limbs and you’ve noticed more lapses in his memory,” said Mathis and Alison nodded not really trusting herself to speak. “I think we might move him to stage four. He can still attempt standing and walking with his walker and he isn’t experiencing hallucinations yet. To be honest we should have put him in this stage sooner, but the medication seemed to be helping most of his issues,” said Mathis. Alison took a deep breath to gather her thoughts.

“Do I need to look for another home?” asked Alison. She really hoped not. She liked the team and the doctors here. Moving Robert to a new location when he was on the decline would really mess him up.

“We have the setup to handle any behavior issues that might arise. He’s dozing right now, but I have to advise against any long trips outside the facility. I know you’re a nurse, but if he gets violent with you or if he falls and you hurt yourself trying to stop the fall it wouldn’t be good for either one of you,” said Mathis and Alison nodded.

“Alright. He’s going to be pissed about missing the choir though. I’m gonna blame you okay,” said Alison trying to joke and Mathis gave her a small smile.

“I’m used to people blaming me for all sorts of things,” said Mathis and he patted her hand. “I’ll let you get on with your visit.”  Mathis stood up and left. Alison took a few seconds to compose herself before going to her grandfather’s room. Sometimes all the medical knowledge just made things worse. She knew and understood what was going to happen to her grandfather. _His muscle function will continue to decrease, coordination is going to get worse, his speech is going to get worse...god he could lose the ability to speak all together,_ thought Alison. She stood in his doorway for a moment to look at him. He had once been a giant in her eyes. He had shrunk and his posture had him looking even smaller. This was a man who had fought in the Pacific and had narrowly missed being captured and sent to a Japanese POW camp. The man who taught countless students how to play music and now he couldn’t even hold his drum sticks. It hurt to know that there was nothing to be done now and all she could do is wait. She hung his dress jacket up and went over to his bed.

“Hey old man,” whispered Alison and she kissed him on the forehead. Robert looked up and gave her a tired smile.

“Sunday already?” he asked and Alison sat down.

“I decided to pay you a visit a day early if that’s alright,” said Alison and she sat down. Robert looked puzzled for a moment and she could see his hands were shaking.

“Oh...we were supposed to go see the show. I don’t feel like going Ally. Those kids are just terrible. No drive to excel when everyone wins,” muttered Robert and Alison wanted to laugh a little.

“I’m sure they worked really hard,” said Alison and he shook his head.

“They don’t have the soul to play. You...god you had so much soul when you played. I miss seeing you play. I tried to teach your daddy and he didn’t have it in him. I was really hard on him. I was so hard on him about everything. He shouldn’t have left you though,” muttered Robert and Alison took his hand and she could feel it shaking.

“You were hard on all your students,” said Alison.

“You knew how to take it though. You are the most driven person I ever laid eyes on. You always seemed to bounce back and push yourself a little harder when things didn’t go your way. I thought after a while you were going to bounce back after Matty’s death and I didn’t know what to do when you didn’t bounce back. You needed me and I didn’t know what to do,” said Robert and Alison squeezed his hand.

“I didn’t know what to do either. Somedays I still really don’t know what I’m doing. I just have to keep trying,” said Alison.  

“I...I just want you to happy honey. Take a chance on life again,” said Robert and Alison blinked back her tears. Damn when the old man was firing he fired on all cylinders.

“I’m trying...I just...it’s not easy. It’s not easy to feel those things again. I haven’t been in love for a long time and I’m not really sure how it should be,” said Alison. Robert was already starting to slip off again and she was alone with her thoughts. She decided to voice them anyway.

“I think there is someone, but he’s not...I’m not supposed to feel what I feel for him. And I keep telling myself its wrong and that I really should walk away, but he’s been alone for so long and if I leave it’s going to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s had so many people hurt him in his life and he didn’t deserve it. You would like him. He’s brave and tough and he likes music too. Honestly I’m surprised you two never crossed paths. Then again you were at the dance hall for the band and he was there for the girls. At least that’s what I told,” said Alison with a small laugh. “Sometimes he doesn’t think he’s a good man anymore, but deep down I see it. I see the person he could be and anyone would be lucky to have him. I’m a really stupid person you know that right...can’t even figure out my damn feelings and I’m supposed to be helping him figure his feelings and thoughts out,” said Alison. Robert had gone to sleep and Alison brushed back some of his hair.  

“I think the only feeling I have never doubted is how much you mean to me. I never meant to hurt you. I really thought you would be better off without me. I’m really sorry I put you through all that crap. I love you,” said Alison and she kissed his forehead again and watched him sleep for a while before getting up and heading to see Becca.

Alison found her in the common room with some other people watching the History Channel and it was a special about Project Rebirth. Becca was rolling her eyes at the footage of skinny Steve.

“Conned his way in and didn’t tell me for months what he was up too. It was ‘classified’,” said Becca in a mocking tone. Alison nearly started laughing. “I almost went to the show in New York and if I had known it was him...oh I would have kicked him so hard. America’s Great Hope or not,” said Becca. Alison came over and sat down.

“Think the choir girls would have let you get that close?” asked Alison. Becca smiled at her and kissed her cheek.

“Oh I could have taken them on. I learned a mean right cross from Bucky,” said Becca and Alison could see him trying to teach his sister how to fight.

“I’m sorry I forgot your burger. I promise to bring you one tomorrow,” said Alison.

“I’ll forgive you this time. Are they getting your grandfather ready?” asked Becca and Alison shook her head.

“He’s not feeling good today so we’re gonna take a rain check,” said Alison and Becca nodded in understanding.

“It happens to the best of us love,” said Becca. Alison was really starting to love this lady and she was struck by an idea.

“You know I have tickets to the Captain America exhibit and I know you donated some items, but have you actually seen the whole thing put together?” asked Alison.

“You’re going to spring me from the clink, take me to a museum so I can see the mini shrine to my other annoying big brother?” asked Becca.

“We could get a burger,” said Alison.

“Oh you are a tricky little thing,” said Becca with a smile.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           “Come on Bucky, its simple and you actually taught me. Well you tried and I nearly fainted,” said Steve. Bucky rolled his eyes and Natasha just grinned.

           “I just watched a bunch of videos on YouTube,” said Natasha. Steve wanted to try to teach him some dances before the party. Steve said there might be some dancing, but he wasn’t sure what Tony had planned. Steve said this would be good for him and hopefully bring back some more good memories for him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he could remember dancing. _The hall smelled of cigarettes and alcohol. There was a blond in a green dress and the music was so loud he almost had to yell to ask for a dance. She was very short, but she kept up with him as they danced. It was the Lindy Hop and people actually stopped to watch them dance._

           “People still dance like that?” asked Bucky.

           “Some do. Just watch me and Natasha and then you’ll try,” said Steve. Bucky watched as Steve took Natasha’s right hand in his and put his left hand on her shoulder while Natasha put her hand on Steve’s shoulder. “We’ll start simple with a waltz,” said Steve. Natasha asked Friday to play from the new list of music on her phone.

           “I tried to find some stuff you might have heard from before,” said Natasha as the music started up. The music was rather slow, but something about seemed a little familiar. Bucky watched as Steve lead Natasha around the room and it looked so damn effortless.   

           “This is the box step and we just turn a little bit,” said Steve as he turned Natasha to the right as they danced. “Now you try,” said Steve and Natasha went over to him.

           “Relax I’m not going to bite you,” said Natasha and she took his left hand and put it on her shoulder while she took his right hand in hers. “I’ll lead for a bit until you get the hang of it,” said Natasha. It had looked easy when she and Steve were doing it, but he wanted to look down to see if he was stepping right and he stepped on her foot repeatedly.

           “Sorry,” muttered Bucky has he stepped on her foot for the sixth time and she didn’t hide her wince this time.

“Would it help if I was someone else?” asked Natasha and Bucky went to take a step back and Natasha didn’t let go. Natasha waited as Bucky looked very annoyed for a moment and then he squared his shoulders, pulled Natasha very close and started to lead her around the room not missing a step. There was something in his eyes that said everything to Steve. His best friend had finally fallen in love and he couldn’t spit out. Bucky had always had a way with words and now they were his worst enemy. The song ended and Bucky took a step back from Natasha,           

“Does everybody know but her?” asked Bucky his hands in fists. Why was it so obvious to everybody but her? Why didn’t she see it? _Because she doesn’t love you the same way. You’re an overgrown child she’s paid to take care of,_ spoke that very hateful voice in his head, Bucky turned and walked out the room quickly and nearly knocked Bruce over.

“Bucky? What’s going on?” asked Bruce. Steve shook his head and looked at Natasha.

“Does she really not see it?” asked Steve.

“It’s not her fault...she doesn’t want to see it,” said Natasha.

“Even if she did see it she couldn’t do anything about it,” said Bruce and Natasha glared at him. “You would have to fire her first and even then people would talk,” said Bruce.

“So let them talk,” said Natasha and Bruce glared.

“You are aware that if their ‘relationship’ doesn’t work she’s the one who’s going to really pay the price. Her professional reputation will be ruined before she’s even started working,” said Bruce. Natasha stalked off after Bucky and Bruce took a deep breath.

“Can I be filled in? If she likes him too I don’t have a problem with her dating him,” said Steve. “Nurses dated patients all the time when...well seventy years ago on the frontlines you really didn’t have a lot of choices. Would I really have to fire her if they went on just one date?” asked Steve.

“She couldn’t treat him anymore as a patient if she crossed that line with him. Alison knows Bucky on a very inmate, emotional level. People could say she manipulated him into the relationship. Used her knowledge of his past to trick him and well some would call it abuse of patient if they crossed any other lines,” said Bruce. “Honestly I don’t think she knows Bucky has a crush on her. He’s a patient in her eyes and she won’t cross that line. She would consider it harmful to him.” said Bruce.

“Do you think she likes him?” asked Steve.  

“Well yes she likes him. I’m not sure on what level though. Like I said even if she felt that way, she won’t cross that line. She likes him enough to not to hurt him,” said Bruce.

“Feeling that way about her and not understanding what to do about it is hurting him,” said Steve.

“And if she doesn’t feel that way?” asked Bruce. Steve sighed and suddenly felt all ninety seven of his years. He honestly had no idea how to help Bucky with this. Steve had held his tongue until he was going to die with Peggy even though Bucky had told him to take a chance. _The worst she can do is shoot at you again,_ was Bucky’s teasing line. If Alison didn’t feel the same for Bucky than she would be in a horrible position to let him down and break his heart. If she did feel the same people would constantly questioning if she was hurting him somehow to get something selfish. Steve had only known her a short time, but he didn’t think Alison had a selfish bone in her body. _Even if she did feel the same she would never say anything._

“I’ve never seen him like this for anyone other than for me and his sister. He’s in love with her and I need to tell him he can’t have her,” said Steve and he left the room to try and find his friend. Bruce sighed and debated going back to India. It was peaceful and he didn’t have all the nagging thoughts about relationships there.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

           _She doesn’t see it because you tried to kill her, she doesn’t see it because she’s still in a love with a dead man, she doesn’t see it because you’re a killer, she’s doesn’t see it because you’re a bad man._ Bucky had gone up to the roof, he sat down and pulled his knees up to his chest and put his head on his knees while the hateful thoughts pounded in his head about why Alison didn’t see that he loved her.

           “Shut up,” muttered Bucky. He felt Natasha sit down next to him and sighed.

           “Why did you fall in love with her?” asked Natasha and Bucky looked at her stunned. “I was shocked when Steve said you didn’t have a girlfriend waiting for you during the war. Why now?” asked Natasha. She had chosen to speak to him in Russian and it felt a little too easy to slip back into for Bucky.

           “Because when she looks at me, she sees me. Not the Soldier. Not the sidekick to Captain America. She sees me and all the things I could have been or still could be. I like how it feels when I’m with her. Sometimes I feel like myself again. She’s warm and I’ve been cold for so long.  Even though she knows all these horrible things about me and I tried to hurt her...she only left to help me. She didn’t have to ever help me. She didn’t know me and she took a chance that maybe I was something more than what I am. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time and now....I can’t make it stop,” admitted Bucky.

           “She’s not ready to see it because it scares her,” said Natasha and Bucky looked at her. “She’s not scared of you no matter what you think. She’s scared of feeling that way because she’s not sure what she would do if she lost it again. Plus she doesn’t want to hurt you...dating you...being involved with you on that level would be considered bad for you. They could say she was hurting you if she entered a relationship with you,” explained Natasha and Bucky was a little confused.

The idea of Alison hurting him was almost laughable. He had been a lab rat for the most depraved doctors and scientists in the world. They hadn’t followed any sort of rules when it came to him. It pissed her off that they hadn’t followed the rules and hurt him. She had even told him she felt a little bad for breaking some of the rules herself when it came to him.  She had told him so when he asked her to come back.

_People like Zola and whoever helped him give us a black eye. It's crossing a line that we know we're not supposed to cross and they do it anyway. Then again I'm really not one to be throwing stones about crossing lines right now.  I'm really not supposed to tell you about my personal life because it creates an unfair balance between us. And well you know more about me than my former coworkers did after working with me for ten months._

“She wouldn’t want to hurt me,” said Bucky and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry at what was slowly dawning on him. She wouldn’t let herself see it because in her eyes it was wrong and she would be a bad person for letting herself feel that way about him. _She would put herself in the same camp as everyone else who hurt me if she fell in love back. She’s better than that, but she wouldn’t see it that way,_ thought Bucky.

“Bucky,” called Steve and Bucky stood up and helped Natasha up. “I didn’t know that…” started Steve and Bucky shook his head.

“It’s alright. I know...she’s can’t feel that way about me. It doesn’t change what I think about her. Maybe someday when I’m better....someday,” said Bucky and he went to go back inside and Steve sighed.

“Maybe I should just fire her,” said Steve and Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Rules were made to be broken. She’s already broken a few with him already and it’s really helped him. They’ll need people on their side if they ever do figure out what is going on in their respective heads,” said Natasha.

“I just want him to be happy again,” said Steve.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           “You know the messier it is the better it tastes,” said Alison has Becca wiped mustard off her face. They were sitting at a park table eating burgers Alison had gotten from a food truck near the museum. It had taken Becca calling her son to get Alison the permission she needed to take Becca out. It was a little amusing to her that a ninety year old woman had to ask for permission the way Alison had to when she was a child. _Grandpa can I go downstairs and play with Sam?_ Alison had spoken briefly with Becca’s son Thomas and was a little taken aback about how he sounded a little like his uncle. She explained she was a friend of Steve’s and had been looking in on Becca for the last few weeks at Steve’s request. _Not that much of a lie,_ thought Alison. Alison also told him she was a nurse and could handle any issues when Becca took the phone back.

           “Thomas James Barnes. I’m your mother and I’m telling you to tell the doctors I can leave the madhouse with my new best friend or so help me I will come back and haunt you. All the time.” About ten minutes later Alison had a wheelchair in her backseat and Becca in the passenger seat.

           “I think there is a law for that,” said Becca taking another small bite of her burger.

           “So did you really like the exhibit?” asked Alison. Becca sat her burger down and smiled wistfully.

           “It’s still a little more than overwhelming at times to know that I had two of America’s greatest heroes making sure no boy ever got near me. I know all those people see great heroes, but they were just brothers to me. Very annoying older brothers that I missed with all my heart. Ah listen to me getting soft. Yes I enjoyed the exhibit dear. It was nice to see the few things I did part with were put to use,” said Becca picking her burger back up.

Becca had pointed out what she had donated while they walked. A few pictures of Steve and Bucky before the war. A letter she had written to Bucky and a letter Steve a written to her asking for a pair of her knitted socks. The medals that had been given to her for Bucky were in a display next to other medals the rest of the Howling Commandos had gotten. Alison wondered what that had been like for Bucky to see. He had seen the exhibit when he started going on the run. _God he must had been so confused and upset,_ thought Alison. He looked so happy and confident in those films with Steve and sometimes she saw the faint glimmer of that person when they talked.

“You still up there honey?” asked Becca and Alison shook her head.

“It’s just a little weird for me to think of Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes as normal people. Honestly when I found out you were Becky Bee I nearly had a fangirl moment. Your posters were in my dorm and my friend has a huge book on pin ups and you were her favorite,” said Alison. It was true, it was a little surreal at times to look up from her morning tea and see Captain America eating a bowl of Fruit Loops. To know he was a somewhat normal guy. _Not to mention the fact you see Bucky Barnes trying to be a normal guy again,_ thought Alison.

           “You know I never thought they would go anywhere and suddenly I’m one of the faces of the sexual revolution. Honestly though the money was very nice and it put my kids through college,” said Becca and she took a few more bird like bites of her burger before looking at Alison again.

           “My grandson is coming up next month and I think you two would get along nicely...oh don’t make face,” said Becca as Alison’s face frozen in a grimace. “He’s got a girlfriend, but he’s also very into music,” said Becca and Alison relaxed a little.

           “I’m just sort of used to everyone trying to shove other single people at me. I currently have one waiting for Facebook friend approval,” said Alison and Becca nodded.

           “Are you going to approve him or let him linger in limbo?” asked Becca and Alison shrugged.

           “He seems nice and normal. I just…” Becca cut her off.

           “Then take a chance to see if he is. I know you’ve been through a lot, but you’re still here and you only have to answer to yourself,” said Becca. Did she really only have to answer to herself? _Bucky?_ What in god’s name was wrong with her? She needed to stop thinking about Bucky in that way.  She was going to think herself crazy about him unless she did something. _This is the wrong way to go about this...but maybe you’ll like this guy too,_ thought Alison.

           “Maybe I will,” said Alison. She pulled out her phone and her hands were shaking a little as she accepted the friend request.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           Alison got back a little later than she said, but Bucky saw her the second she came in and joined Sam and Sharon at a table. The party was rather low key at least that’s what he got from Steve. It was just those who had stayed behind after the baseball game last night. They were on the roof of Avenger Tower waiting for fireworks to start. He couldn’t have her it was that simple. He told himself it was an order and that it had to be followed. They could talk about his issues, but he couldn’t tell her about his feelings when it came to her. _She’s not a bad person and everyone would see her that way. It’s not fair,_ thought Bucky. Alison was talking to Sam and she looked very sheepish while he grinned and pulled her into a hug and she jokingly pushed him away. There was music playing and a few people were dancing. Steve was dancing with Maria Hill and Bucky wondered if there was anything to that. Wanda and Vision were trying to copy Steve and Maria with a little success. Tony dipped Pepper and she started laughing. Bruce joined him at his table and sighed.

           “I should have told you earlier, I didn’t it was serious though. I’m sort of bad when it comes to this sort of thing. I didn’t used to be, but I can’t risk it. I can’t risk hurting someone that way again,” said Bruce downing his drinking. “The first time I changed I had no control at all. I attacked my girlfriend and put her in the hospital...she was lucky. Letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever done,” said Bruce.

           “I can’t leave. I’m tired of running. I know we can’t ever be anything more than what we are. Still….I just...I would really like to dance with her,” said Bucky.

            “You should ask her. Get it out of your system before you drive yourself crazy,” said Bruce. Bucky downed his own drink before going over to Alison. Bruce watched has he asked her dance and she looked stunned before he took her hand and they went off to a corner of th

the dance floor. Bruce watched as Bucky and Alison swayed in a circle and he looked annoyed as she looked up and explained something to him. Bucky’s face soften for a second and Bruce could see a hint of the man Steve had talked about. Natasha joined him a watched them.

           “We never danced,” said Natasha.

           “Do you want to?” asked Bruce and Natasha looked up at a little stunned. “It’s only a dance,” said Bruce feeling his face turn red. Natasha took his hand.

           “Just one,” said Natasha.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           “So I did something either really brave or really stupid,” said Alison and Sam looked at her.

           “What did you do?” asked Sam.

           “I asked that guy...Justin if he wanted to go to dinner Wednesday night,” said Alison and Sam grinned and pulled her into a hug.

           “It’s brave,” said Sam and Alison nudged him off.

           “It’s just dinner and I swear if he even talks about sexting I’m leaving,” said Alison. She was still nervous about it and felt sort of off about doing this just as a buffer for her feelings towards Bucky, but maybe she could fall for this guy if she got to know him and tried.

           “Hey,” said Bucky and that damn jolt in her stomach slammed into place.

           “Sorry I’m late. Long story,” said Alison.

           “Think you could show me how that clutch and sway move works?” asked Bucky and Alison grinned.

           “Sure,” said Alison. _It’s just a dance. One dance,_ thought Alison. She noticed Bucky took her to a corner of the dance floor and she made sure there was about three inches between them before she put his hands on her hips and she wrapped her arms around his neck. _Like a high school dance,_ thought Alison. “Just walk in a circle now,” said Alison. The song had changed to a slightly slower number.

          

_I was scared of dentists and the dark_

_I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations_

_Oh, all my friends are turning green_

_You're the magician's assistant in their dreams_

          

           “This isn’t dancing,” muttered Bucky and Alison fought back a laugh.

           “It’s the clutch and sway. We hold each other awkwardly, sway in a circle and pray we don’t get in trouble for being too close. At least that’s the way it worked in high school,” said Alison. He looked down at her and for a moment she saw that man in films, the one without a care in the world.

           “Well I’ll try very hard to not get you in trouble,” said Bucky. Alison shook her head and wished she could get closer to him. She was unaware how much he wanted that too

 

Thoughts?

Song-Riptide by Vance Joy


	21. Something Stupid

_September 2015_

 

 _Maybe we shouldn’t have come. This is private and you might upset her even more than she already is. I want to be there for her, but she has him and she doesn’t need you,_ thought Bucky. Wanda looked up him and frowned.

           “She won’t be mad I promise. I can help her and she needs this. She’s always helping us and we should be here for her,” said Wanda. Bucky looked around the hospital and tried fighting his own unease about being here.   _The walls were so white when he woke up and he kept hearing a faint beeping noise. Zola looking down at him with a smile._

“I don’t like being here,” said Bucky and Wanda’s frown deepened.

“I don’t like it either, but this is for Alison, Not us,” she hissed. “If you really do care about her and...I’m sorry your thoughts are very loud sometimes when it comes to her,” said Wanda and her face turned red as Bucky’s eyes narrowed. He wondered what thoughts were the loudest when he thought about Alison.

“She has a boyfriend...I’m just her patient...I can’t be here,” said Bucky and he pulled away from Wanda. Wanda didn’t try to stop him and he walked outside to wait for Wanda. _Coward. You’re a jealous coward who can’t be there for a friend when she needs it,_ thought Bucky. He leaned against the wall and sighed. He had only met Alison’s grandfather once about two months ago when he was reunited with Becca. It had been a rather memorable meeting and he could see how much Alison loved him.

 

_July 2015_

 

Alison took a huge pull from the coffee cup and Bucky eyed her. She had been up half the night trying to calm Wanda down. It had been the fireworks that set her off. One went off that sounded like a rocket and Wanda ran back inside screaming. Everyone stood there stunned for a few seconds before Alison went inside and spent two hours talking with Wanda through a locked door and sometimes Steve, Natasha or Vision would chime in, but it was Alison that spent another four hours talking with her after she unlocked the door about what she had gone through before joining the Avengers. Alison got Wanda to go to sleep, but it was clear she needed someone to talk to on a regular basis.

           “We’ll have to cut some of our sessions back so I have time to work with Wanda. We’ll make it work somehow,” said Alison. He was sitting in the backseat next to Alison while Steve drove to the nursing home to see Becca.

           “I’ll be fine. She’s been through a lot and needs the help,” said Bucky. Alison sent him a small smile before finishing her coffee.

           “Are you alright this morning?” asked Alison.

           “Nervous,” said Bucky and he forced his knee to be still and Alison took his left hand.

           “It’s going to be fine. She’s probably going to be really shocked to see you, but she’ll be really happy,” said Alison. So few people touched his left hand and Alison was one of the few people he allowed to touch him. Bucky gripped her hand careful in his; he knew how easily he could break every bone in her hand. They pulled into the parking lot and Steve turned the car off before looking at Bucky.

           “It might take a bit to explain everything to her. I’m still trying to figure out how to say it. I’ll text Alison when she’s ready,” said Steve. The moment they were out of the car Bucky put his left hand in his pocket. He was wearing a long sleeved gray shirt to hide his arm. He didn’t really trust the hologram watch. Alison signed them in, well she signed Bucky in as John Bates and he sort of smirked. They had been watching Downton Abbey and he was slightly amused with how into the Bates and Anna story Alison was.

           “Come on you can meet my old man,” said Alison leading him towards another wing of the home. It was a bit surreal to him to be in this place when he was in his nineties and looked to be Alison’s age. It smelled stale and like cleaner all at once. Staff and a few patients called out greetings to Alison and waved back politely. She tapped lightly on a door before poking her head in.

“Can I come in?” asked Alison and Bucky heard a faint yes call back. He watched Alison square her shoulders before going into the room. The man in the bed looked smaller than her and was being propped up by pillows. His hair was pure white and was cut close to his head. Alison leaned down and kissed his forehead.

“I like to meet my friend James,” said Alison motioning her head towards him. “Well it’s technically Sergeant James Barnes. Sergeant Barnes this is my grandfather-Gunnery Sergeant Robert Conley,” said Alison. Bucky was a little surprised that she had used his real name and rank with her grandfather. Than Bucky remembered her grandfather had memory issues and might not even remember him once he left. Bucky saluted the man and Robert gave a little salute of his own and Bucky could see his hand was shaking. Alison took a seat and Robert eyed him.

“Air Force?” asked Robert.

“Army. I did some time overseas,” said Bucky. _No sense in freaking out two people today,_ thought Bucky.

“He’s a friend of Sam’s,” said Alison. Robert looked over at Bucky again and back to Alison.

“Honey could you go get me a soda?” asked Robert.

“I’ll see what I can round up. Do you want anything?” asked Alison.

“I’m fine,” said Bucky. She left the room and Robert gave him a hard look.

“Are you sleeping with my granddaughter?” Bucky thought it was a good thing he didn’t have a drink he might have spit it out.

“No. God no...we’re...we’re friends,” said Bucky and he felt himself flush like he was sixteen again.

“”Those are my son’s tags. Ally wouldn’t let just anyone have those,” said Robert and Bucky kicked himself. He forgot he was wearing them. He took a deep breath and looked the man in the eyes.

“I lost mine over there and Alison has been helping me get over some stuff that happened to me. She’s nice and I’m lucky to know her,” said Bucky and Robert sighed. He looked off into the distance and Bucky knew that look. He had seen guys come back from the first war and they would just look off into space. _Is that how I look when I zone out?_ thought Bucky.

“She’s a good girl. It’s been hard for her...since Matt left. No one really knew how to help her...I didn’t want to put her in the hospital, but she just wasn’t her anymore. I...what...where did she go?” asked Robert seeming to snap out of it.

“She went to get you a soda,” said Bucky and Robert nodded.

“One of the first things I did after coming home for Japan was get a soda...no it was a root beer float. There was this soda shop near the apartment and I think I ordered seven of them. What did you do when you came home?” asked Robert.

“I took a shower. I missed hot water,” said Bucky. It wasn’t that much of a lie. Alison came back and she poured soda into a cup with a straw for him. They chatted for a while before Robert told Alison he was tired. Bucky watched her as she fussed with the blinds, adjusted Robert’s bed and pillows and she turned on a small cd player so he could listen to music.

“I’ll see you next Sunday,” said Alison and she kissed his forehead again. “Love you.” He patted her hand before slipping off. They eased out of the room and Alison shut the door.

“So that’s my grandpa,” said Alison as they walked down the hall.

“He doesn’t seem to have the mouth on him that you did the other day,” said Bucky and Alison grinned.

“Turn on a Giants game and he’ll let loose a string that will make anyone blush,” said Alison. Her phone chimed and it was from Steve. “You ready?” asked Alison and he took her hand for support as they walked down the hall to the wing where Becca was.

“Just take deep breaths and it’s going to be fine,” said Alison. She knocked on the door and Steve let them in. Alison gently pulled him into the room and he suddenly felt the urge to run. There was an old woman sitting in a chair with her hair braided back and her blue eyes locked on him and Bucky could see her how she had been when she saw him off to London. _Her hair was pulled back in a braid and her blue eyes seemed torn between worry and fear. You better come home or so help me. He hugged her tightly and promised her he would be back._

“Bucky?” asked Becca and Steve helped her out of her chair. She went over to him and touched his face. Her hand was soft and he swore he could see all the veins in it. She looked up at him near tears and it was almost the same worried look she had all those years ago.

“You told me I had to come home,” said Bucky and he tried to smile. She simply wrapped her arms around him and started sobbing into his chest. “Please don’t cry...please...I’m sorry Becky. I’m so sorry,” said Bucky and he felt his own tears coming on. Alison took Steve by the arm.

“We’ll just be outside,” said Alison and she gently nudged Steve out of the room.

“I missed you,” said Becca and she hugged him as hard as she could. He had to remind himself that he couldn’t hug her back as hard. _I hate them for keeping me alive, but at least I get to hug you again._ Becca looked up at him and she still had that same smile.

“I have so much I need to tell you,” said Becca. He wanted to know everything and she tried to tell him everything. He was a little annoyed that she had gone off and modeled for all those risqué magazines the guys would send away for. Becca simply shrugged and told him he was jealous. He was proud of her of though, she made a life for herself and it sounded like a good one. She had gone out west like they had always talked about. That Dugan had walked her down the aisle and cried like a baby during her vows. Falsworth and Peggy had toasted her and that a little girl claiming to be his sweetheart caught her bouquet.

“I’m so sorry for what they did to you,” said Becca taking his face in her hands and she kissed his forehead.

“I did a lot of bad things and I’m not sure if I can ever make it right,” said Bucky and Becca just shook her head.

“You’re still my big brother and nothing will ever change that,” said Becca and Bucky felt a lump in his throat. _I sorry I missed your life,_ thought Bucky and he hugged her. Becca looked up at him and grinned.

“You sent her to check on me didn’t you?” asked Becca and Bucky gave a little shrug.

“Someone had to keep tabs on my girl,” said Bucky.

“She’s a sweet person and she’s good for you. Well at least she has a good head on her shoulders,” said Becca and Bucky felt his face flush a little.

“It’s not like that between us,” said Bucky. “It can’t be that way between us,” said Bucky and he looked at the door where he could hear Alison and Steve talking softly.

“She cares a lot about you. She didn’t talk a lot about you, but when she did there was just something in voice Jimmy. Just give it time...you have your whole life back. Try to live it,” said Becca. Bucky kissed her forehead and shook his head.

“We’ll see,” said Bucky and there was a tapping at the door.

“Come in,” said Becca and Alison poked her head in.

“They want to know if you want lunch?” asked Alison.

“I guess. You and Steve can come in, I think we’re done with the waterworks for now,” said Becca wiping her eyes. Alison and Steve came back in. An aide came in with a tray for Becca and left quickly. Becca looked over at Alison.

“Any chance you can break me out again for a burger?” asked Becca poking at her soup.

“We’ll see,” said Alison. “I’m going to be in town Wednesday afternoon so I could drop something horrible off that your doctors will hate me for,” said Alison.

“We could come into together,” said Bucky and Alison’s face turned a little pink.

“Um yeah. I could drop you off and pick you up later if you want to visit,” said Alison. She looked like someone about to jump off a cliff. “I sort of have a date in the afternoon. The guy Sophia and Renee kept pestering me about. We’ll see how it goes,” said Alison and Bucky forced himself to smile and wished her the best.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

           _August 2015_

 

           Bucky didn’t think it was possible to hate someone he never laid eyes on, but he hated Alison’s boyfriend. Hated him with every fiber of his being. He knew it wasn’t fair or right to hate the guy; he hadn’t done anything wrong personally to him. It was the fact he got to be with Alison. He got to take out to movies, to dinners, that he was a normal guy who was living a rather boring life and seemed to make her happy.

           It was little things that had changed and it bothered him. She left the grounds on Wednesdays with the other medical staff and came back with a dorky grin on her face. On nights she wasn’t teaching him how to play guitar, she would be on her computer chatting with _Him._ Bucky missed hearing her play at night before she went to bed. She still left on Sundays, but was coming back later and later in the evenings and she had a hint of that dorky grin.

           She came back this evening with a thing of roses and Sam mocked her as she put them in a vase.

           “Oh someone has her groove back,” teased Sam and Alison gave him a little shove.

           “It’s a one month anniversary thing. I honestly forgot people did that,” said Alison and her face was a little pink. Bucky left the kitchen and ran the track for almost two hours. He wanted to physically be exhausted so maybe he could avoid talking to her. She wasn’t trying to hurt him on purpose; he knew that on some level. He was still mad though and he was little mad at Alison. _Rubs it your face that you can’t have that with her. You might never have that with anyone and do you really want anyone else?_

           He decided to start sleeping in his own room that night and Alison looked stunned, but proud of him.

           “We can leave the door open if you want,” said Alison and Bucky shook his head.

           “No. I can do this. See you in the morning,” said Bucky. He went to his room and closed the door to their shared rooms. He dreamed about her though and could barely look Alison in the eye the next morning since they were so damn vivid. He was happy they weren’t doing touch exercises this morning; he didn’t think he could keep himself in check if he had to touch her.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           _Two days ago_

           “Look grown folks can do whatever grown folks wanna do. I just took issue with it when they came in during my hours lying their asses off about how they hurt themselves. You can only ‘fall’ on something so many times and have in land where the sun don’t shine,” said Adair and everyone started laughing. Classes for the med staff were going to start next week and they were having a small party in the T.V. room. It was open to everyone, but it was mostly the med staff in attendance. Bruce was sitting there and Bucky was sitting next to him at a table with David and Adair. Adair used to work at a hospital in New Orleans and her southern drawl was getting more pronounced as she drank. So of course they wanted her to tell stories about working during Mardi Gras.

           “So one night they bring this guy in and he can’t be a day over twenty one and he’s just sobbing on the stretcher. Holding on his bits like his life depends on them. Turns out he broke it,” said Adair. A few of the guys winced while the women on staff were laughing their asses off.  Bucky looked at Bruce.

           “He broke it?” asked Bucky a little stunned and Bruce shook his head.

           “Penile fracture. Um...happens when you’re too rough during sex,” said Bruce.

           “Or in the case of the poor dumbass a solo activity with a blow up doll,” said Adair. Jenny fell off her chair from laughing and two of the guys went to help. Bucky shook his head and eyed Bruce.

           “We do mock patients who inflict their own injuries due to stupid behavior,” said Bruce. Bucky looked around and didn’t see Alison in the room. Bucky had noticed she seemed a little stressed out the last two weeks, but he didn’t want to ask her what was going on. _Let her talk her boyfriend about it,_ thought Bucky. He wondered if he was adding to her stress and felt a tinge of guilt.

He had been pushing away from her last few weeks. He needed some space from her. It was just too much. He felt too much for her and he wanted it to stop. He had started skipping sessions; he had missed three in the past two weeks. If he had nightmares and she tried to talk to him he pushed her away. The door to his side of the room didn’t lock so he put a chair under the knob so she couldn’t come in. He told her he wasn’t interested in learning the guitar anymore and that he was going to be spending more time with Bruce building stuff. She nodded in understanding, but he could sort of see he had hurt her. Today he had skipped his fourth session. Alison had come down to the garage and had tried talking to him this morning and he had taken off on his bike.

           “I don’t need a god damn babysitter,” snapped Bucky and she looked at him stunned.

           “Is that what you think I am?” asked Alison and she sort snapped at him and he felt a sort of bitter joy at the fact he was finally getting under her skin.

           “It’s what Steve and Tony pay you do,” said Bucky getting on the bike. He wanted her to scream at him, say something biting back; he just wanted a reason to finally get her out of his head. She simply sighed and shook her head.

           “Drive safe,” said Alison and she turned and left the garage. Bucky stood there stunned at how quickly the tide of battle had turned. He finally thought she was going to tell him off and he wouldn’t feel so sick over her and instead she turned it back on him. _I don’t want to feel this for her anymore. I need it to go away._

           Bruce had suggested Bucky come to the get together tonight and Bucky came, but he didn’t feel like staying.  Bucky sipped his beer and decided to head back to his room. He said goodbye and Bruce gave him a look before saying good night.

Bucky was just about to go into his room when Alison came slamming out of her room in tears and pounded on Sam’s door. _What the hell?_ thought Bucky. Sam opened his door and looked at Alison.

           “What’s wrong?” asked Sam.

           “I need you to drive...the old man...they took him to the hospital...they said…” She couldn’t seem to get words out and Sam pulled her into his room. Bucky felt frozen to the spot. Sam and Alison came out his room and went into her room and she came out with her purse and a jacket. She still seemed on the verge of all out panic and she simply walked past him. Bucky moved to stop her and Sam shook his head.

           _Later,_ mouthed Sam and they went down the stairs. Sam came back the next morning and explained that Robert had a heart attack and it didn’t look good for him. Sam tossed clothes for himself and Alison in a bag. Bucky didn’t say anything as Steve told Sam to tell Alison to take all the time she need.

           “The same goes for you,” said Steve and Sam shook his head.

           “She told me he was getting bad...I saw him a few weeks ago and he seemed alright to me. Maybe I just didn’t want to see it,” said Sam.

           “Don’t beat yourself up. Just tell Alison we’re thinking about her,” said Steve. Sam nodded and headed out. Steve had to go to a meeting with Tony and he asked Bucky if he would be alright.

           “I’ll be fine,” said Bucky. Steve eyed him.

           “She’s going to need a bit of space from everything for a while,” said Steve and Bucky nodded.  

           “I’m going to go for a run,” said Bucky leaving Steve. Bucky ran for hours and when he came back in he fell into his bed and slept for hours. When he woke up it was night and for a moment he couldn’t understand why it was so damn quiet. He remembered a second later why and he let himself into Alison’s room. It was pitch black, but he could make out that she had made her bed, the open patio door and the open guitar case on the bed. She must have been planning to go outside and play. He really hadn’t notice the state of her room when he been watching Sam pack for her. Bucky went out and sat on her patio. She was gone and the silence was almost overwhelming to him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           _Alison felt her hands go numb and she forced herself to swallow hard before going on stage. She always had a small case of stage fright before she sat down at the drum set. She picked up the sticks and had second to look out into the crowd. It was a little hard to make people out because of the lights on the stage. She knew her grandfather was there though. He always came to hear her play. He hadn’t missed a performance since she was ten and this wouldn’t be any different. It took her a second to make him out in the second row, center seat. He gave her a small nod when she caught his eye._

_She started playing Caravan and everything felt so right in that moment. She knew every note. Every move she should make. Her hands and arms were starting to hurt and she could feel the sweat soaking her shirt and she didn’t care. He loved this piece and she swore he looked almost near tears when she told him she had this solo. They spent hours working on it and watching old Buddy Rich performances to see his work._

_When she finished she was barely aware of how sore her hands felt. It took her a second to realize the audience was giving her a standing ovation. She looked in the crowd and the old man wasn’t standing up. He was seated with a look of smug pride on his face. He gave her a small nod which she returned._

_On the way home she carried a small thing of tulips from Matt and Robert just shook his head._

_“I think the last time I was this proud was when I saw your daddy after he finished Basic. You make me proud Ally-cat,” said Robert._

 

           “Alison. Ally...Ally wake up,” said Sam and Alison jerked awake. Sam kicked himself mentally. Maybe he should have just let her sleep; she hadn’t really slept in the last two days. However she had hardly eaten in those two days and she hadn’t showered either so maybe waking her up was the best option so he could try to get her to eat... She only left the room when the nurses asked her too. Even that was a struggle for her since she knew what they were doing and would have done it herself if she had been allowed too.

           “What time is it?” asked Alison rubbing her face.

           “A little after five,” said Sam sitting down. Alison sighed and looked over at Robert and felt her heart sink again. She had made the choice and it was the only one she really had considering his condition. He had gone into cardiac arrest and he had fallen out of bed which is what alerted the staff. He had managed to break his hip during his fall out of bed. Alison could have handled that. It would have meant bedrest, more physical therapy and his complaining the whole time, but that would be welcome compared to what she had to do now.

           The last round of testing showed he barely had a functioning heart and that without the aid of the further life support he wasn’t going to last long. If by some miracle he came out, he would be in even worse shape than he was now. He would barely be able to function and he had trouble functioning now. His skin looked gray and he felt cool to her despite her turning up the heat and covering him with another blanket. There was a tube helping him breath and he had told her more than once if he needed a tube to be alive he didn’t want it. She knew the odds of him coming out we’re almost next to none and that he wouldn’t want to come out of it considering the state he would be in. _He wouldn’t be living really, not the way he’s gotten used too._

           “I can’t let him live like this. He wouldn’t want it...it’s why he wanted the DNR. It seemed really simple at the time. I told myself it would make things easier when it came time. That I wouldn’t have to fight with doctors for once about patient care. Now that I have to use it,” said Alison and she broke off and started crying. Sam leaned over and hugged her tightly.

           “You knew him best and you know what he would have wanted. It’s alright...shush...it’s alright,” said Sam. Alison wiped her eyes and pulled away.

           “Sophia, Renee and Sarah came this morning before the last report came in. Could you call them? I think they said goodbye already, but they told me to keep them in the loop. The doctor comes back on at six and I don’t know how long it will take...I don’t think it will take long. Plus he’s on a really high dosage of painkillers so he shouldn’t really feel anything.” said Alison. _I don’t think it’s going to hurt...they’ll make him comfortable and...god how many times have I told a family someone was comfortable?_ thought Alison.

           “I got to get a priest here. He’ll want Last Rites...he’ll come back to haunt me if he doesn’t get them,” said Alison

           “I’ll have Renee or Sarah call Father Detwiller for you. Do you want us here when it’s time?” asked Sam and Alison shook her head.

           “He wouldn’t want a crowd,” said Alison and Sam took her hand.

           “I’m not going to pretend to know how hard this is. Just know you aren’t alone in this,” said Sam. Alison hugged him tightly and he hugged her back just has hard.

           “Thank you,” said Alison. There was a light tapping at the door and Alison looked over to see Wanda standing nervously in the doorway.

           “I’m sorry to bother you...I just...I can help,” said Wanda. Alison quickly wiped her eyes.

           “I don’t...you shouldn’t have come...I mean…”said Alison and Wanda gave her a small smile.

           “You don’t want me to go through any trouble for you. I want to do this. I’ll take my lumps later from Steve for leaving without checking first,” said Wanda. Sam shook his head.

           “You are so going to be grounded,” said Sam and Alison gave her a ghost of a smile.

           “I’ll make sure you don’t get in any trouble,” said Alison. She looked back to her grandfather and touched his hand. “It’s not going to hurt...you or him is it?” asked Alison. She understood some of Wanda’s psychic powers, how she could bring out old memories or implant them in people’s minds. Wanda herself was still learning how to use them. She had used it against the team when she first met them and needless to say it had hurt a lot of them. Alison wanted to talk to her grandfather, but she didn’t want him to be in any pain.

           “I promise it won’t hurt him at all,” said Wanda. “I can help you talk to him,” said Wanda. Alison had to think and she took his hand that felt too cool for her liking.

           “I’ll watch the door,” said Sam and he left the room and shut the door behind him. Wanda sat across from her and put her hand over Alison’s hand.

           “Just close your eyes and breath,” said Wanda. Alison did how she was told and felt like she was slipping away. _It smelled like gin and perfume and she could hear the band tuning up..._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

          

           Sam stood outside the door and hoped that whatever the littlest witch was doing was going to help Alison. It had been a rough couple of weeks. She had told him Robert wasn't doing well; she just really hadn’t gone into how bad it was. He wished she would have told him. Then again he wondered if it was his mom how open he would be with her health issues. She had been open with him about some of the stuff going. It was a bit weird how they could live in such close quarters and still not know what was going on in each other’s lives. She had been sort of alright with the breakup from Justin. _Maybe it was a good thing he went back to his wife,_ thought Sam.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

           _Two weeks ago_

 

           Alison sat down with a pint of ice cream and looked at Sam.

           “People still do this right after a breakup?” asked Alison. Sam sat down with his own pint and shrugged.

           “It’s what I heard you ladies do after having your heartbroken,” said Sam and she rolled her eyes.

           “We dated for about a month. I’m not that heartbroken. I’m a little annoyed,” said Alison.

           “Oh I know you and that’s even worse,” said Sam and she shrugged.

           “I liked him and I mean all he could talk about was how he couldn’t wait for his divorce to be over with. I guess going back to his wife is one way for the divorce to be over with,” said Alison digging into brownie batter ice cream. Sam took the lid off his toffee ice cream and took a few bites before Alison spoke up again.

           “At least I didn’t sleep with him,” said Alison and Sam looked at her. “What...he was still technically married and that Catholic guilt kicked up in me...we made out a few times okay. It’s not like I forgot how that worked,” said Alison and Sam laughed a little.

           “You are so damn adorable sometimes. At least you put yourself out there again. I know that wasn’t easy for you,” said Sam.

           “I think I would have ended it with him sooner or later,” said Alison. “I thought I could make myself feel...feel that thing again and it wasn’t happening. Justin was a really nice guy, but it just wasn’t there,” said Alison.

           “You’re going to find it again. Just give it time,” said Sam. Alison poked at her ice cream and Sam looked at her. She had this look like there was something she wanted to say and she wasn’t ready to spit it out yet.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           Alison sat on balcony and wondered if she was going crazy. She had liked Justin, but when it came down too it her feelings for Bucky were what she had felt for Matt and she wasn’t sure what the hell she was supposed to do. She had tried to shut them off and it hadn’t worked. Maybe Justin had sensed she wasn’t in it for the long haul and decided to see if anything could be salvaged from his marriage. Alison heard Bucky go into his room and she found she couldn’t move. He had been pulling away from her and she had told herself it was for the best. She needed to focus on Robert. She needed to focus on her work with Wanda and the upcoming classes she needed to take. It would be for the best if she shut her own feelings off for the time being.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Bucky took a deep breath and walked back in the hospital. If Becca were ill and he needed someone she would be there for him. He had told himself he wanted her to be happy and he had been unfair and nasty to her because she was happy. _Just let her go Barnes...be her friend and be thankful you have that in your life,_ thought Bucky. He remembered the room number Wanda had told him and headed up. He spotted Sam standing outside the door on the phone. and Bucky went up to him. Sam looked up and nodded, he held up a finger before going back to the phone call.

“No. No I’ll wait here to drive her back to apartment,” said Sam. He paused and Bucky could hear a woman on the other end but he really couldn’t make out what she was saying. “You know she wouldn’t want to impose on you guys that way. Besides no one is staying there right now. The guy she was renting it too went back to school. We’ll be fine...yeah...yeah...I don’t know what he told Alison about a service. Shit...listen. Could you call Father Detwiller? Yeah Alison wants Robert to have his Last Rites. Okay. Thanks. Love you too,” said Sam ending the call.

“I wasn’t sure people still did that. Last Rites,” said Bucky. He thought of Steve’s mother who almost died before she could get them. Few people wanted to go near since she had tuberculosis. They were able to get one of the very old priests to come and give Sarah her Last Rites.

 “So did anyone else sneak out?” asked Sam.

“Just me and Wanda. It’s not good is?” asked Bucky.

“It shouldn’t be long now. She’s saying good bye. Waiting for the doctor so she can sign the paperwork to stop additional treatment. He wouldn’t want to linger like he is and she won’t let him,” said Sam. Bucky nodded and leaned against the wall.

“Do you want me to call Steve or do you want do it?” asked Sam.

“I’ll take my lumps now,” said Bucky. He hated being here and he might as well get Steve’s lecture out of the way. Sam handed him the phone.

“If you get a call I’ll need it back,” said Sam. Bucky nodded and pushed the icon that would call Steve. It rang twice before Steve picked up.

“How’s it going?” asked Steve.

“It’s not Sam,” said Bucky and he heard Steve sigh.

“Are you at the hospital?” asked Steve.

“Wanda wanted to help Alison,” said Bucky.

“So you both left...I told you she was going to need space…” Bucky cut him off.

“She would be here if it was Becca,” said Bucky and he could see Steve counting in his head.

“Yes she would be. Buck, I know you mean well...just be patience with her,” said Steve.

“I will,” said Bucky.

“And tell Wanda when she gets back she’s only in a little trouble. She should have told me she was leaving first,” said Steve. Wanda was still in a bit of trouble due to her role in the Ultron incident. Tony’s lawyers were still clearing that up.

“Understood. Thanks Steve,” said Bucky. Steve ended the call and Bucky gave the phone back to Sam. About twenty minutes later Wanda came out and her eyes were a little pink.

“She wants to know if you got the priest yet?” asked Wanda.

“Getting one,” said Sam. He let himself back into the room and Wanda looked up at Bucky.

“I’m glad you decided to try,” said Wanda and Bucky shrugged.

“What are friends for?” asked Bucky. “How did it go?” Wanda smiled.

“We should all be so lucky to know how much someone loves us,” said Wanda

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           When Alison opened her eyes she couldn’t help but smile and look around in amazement. It was the old dance hall that she had seen her grandfather play in. It was a weekend job and for a few years she had watched his band play old standards while couples danced. The bartender always made her Shirley Temples and added extra cherries when no one was looking.

           “This place burnt down when I was fourteen,” said Alison. Wanda stood next her taking in the old and polished wooden floor, the dimly lit hanging glasses and the stage where the band was setting up.

           “This place meant a lot to him,” said Wanda and Alison nodded trying not to cry.

           “He and my grandmother had their wedding reception here...actually they met here. He was in the band and she watched him play all night. Wouldn’t dance with anyone because she didn’t want to miss a second of his playing,” said Alison.

           “Go on,” said Wanda. Alison took a deep breath and walked towards the stage. She had known these people and had gone to all their funerals. Yet here they were setting up like it just another weekend. Robert looked up from his drum set and just smiled at her.

“You know it’s rude to be late to practice,” he scolded and Alison climbed up the steps to stage. She had always sat in the wings while they played their sets, she had only been allowed on stage during sound checks.

“A drummer is never late, they’ll show up when they’re damn good and ready,” said Alison. The guys laughed and Robert shook his head.

“I did say that didn’t I,” said Robert and Alison touched one of the cymbals.

“You taught me how to play on this set until you got me own. We had to lug this heavy thing up the stairs and into a rickety old panel van almost every weekend,” said Alison and Robert smiled.

“It was good for you. Built character. Soon enough we had to lug your set around in that rickety old van. You hated the set the school had you use,” said Robert.

“The snare was old. You bought a set just for school. I had to go into the girl’s bathroom and cry for joy,” said Alison. Robert looked at her and shook his head.

“Is this a dream?” asked Robert. He held out his hands and they were steady. “I haven’t been this steady in years.”

“A little bit,” said Alison. “It’s a good dream at any rate.” Robert took her hand and squeezed it.

“You know we haven’t done a piece together in years. I always thought you should sing more. Think you could work those rusty pipes out?” asked Robert.

“I don’t think anyone ears are going to bleed,” said Alison trying to laugh.

“Think you could do Nancy justice?” asked Robert and Alison had to wipe her eyes. He meant Nancy Sinatra. The old man had a weakness for the Sinatra family.

“I don’t think I can do These Boots justice,” said Alison. Robert just looked at her.

“You always doubt yourself and wish you wouldn’t. Besides that’s not what I had in mind. Think you can say Something Stupid?” asked Robert and Alison nodded. Robert looked at the rest of the band and told them to get ready. They started playing and Alison hovered near the drums to sing with her grandfather one last time.

 

_I know I stand in line until you think you have the time_

_To spend an evening with me_

_And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance_

_You won't be leaving with me_

_And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two_

_And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like "I love you"_

 

_I can see it in your eyes_

_That you despise the same old lies you heard the night before_

_And though it's just a line to you, for me it's true_

_And never seemed so right before_

 

_I practice every day to find some clever lines to say_

_To make the meaning come through_

_But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late and I'm alone with you_

_The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and, oh, the night's so blue_

_And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like "I love you"_

 

_The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and, oh, the night's so blue_

_And then I go and spoil it all by sayin' something stupid like "I love you"_

 

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you_

 

“I do really love you,” said Alison and Robert looked at her. “I’m sorry for being such a pain in the ass the last few years,” said Alison. He sat his drumsticks down and took her face in his hands.

“Alison Jude Conley. You were one of the very best things to ever happen to me. Don’t ever doubt that. I love you more than you will ever know. Take care of yourself honey,” said Robert.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” said Alison and she was near tears. Robert hugged her tightly.

“I had a decent life honey. You still have time to have one too,” said Robert.

“That’s a rather scary thought,” said Alison.

“If it doesn’t scare you it’s not worth it,” said Robert and Alison let out a small laugh. “I’ll see you again someday sweetheart. Just don’t sit around waiting for it,” said Robert. Alison hugged him so hard it hurt a little. Robert kissed her forehead and stepped away.

“Have a good set,” said Alison.

“I plan on it,” said Robert. He went back to his drum set and Alison left the stage.

 

_Somewhere beyond the sea_

_Somewhere waiting for me_

_My lover stands on golden sands_

_And watches the ships that go sailin’_

 

“It’s pretty,” said Wanda coming up to her. A woman was on stage singing

“It was their song,” said Alison. She looked to see her grandfather watching her grandmother sing.

“It’s time to go,” said Wanda and Alison nodded. It was time to let him go.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           “You gonna be okay?” asked Sam and Alison wiped her eyes.

           “In a bit,” said Alison. His phone dinged and it was Sophia.

           “Detwiller will be here in twenty minutes,” said Sam. Alison took Robert’s hand and squeezed. He didn’t squeeze back.

           “He’s ready to go. We’ll wait though,” said Alison. “Is Wanda going back to Headquarters? I just want to thank her again,” said Alison.

           “I think her and Barnes need to go back to Headquarters or Steve might give them the workout from hell,” said Sam and Alison blinked.

           “Bucky’s here?” asked Alison.

           “Yeah. Do you want to talk to him?” asked Sam and Alison shook her head. She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to him. Besides considering how moody he had been the last few weeks she wasn’t sure who she would be dealing with. She was so damn tired all of a sudden.

           “I just need a little break right now,” said Alison. Sam gave her another hug and stepped out of the room. She held her grandfather’s hand and spoke softly.

           “You’ll see her soon...you’ll see them all soon,” said Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           The funeral was three days later and Bucky stayed next to Steve and Becca.

           “You look nice. Even with all that hair,” teased Becca. They had managed to find him a suit jacket that felt decent on his left arm. He still refused to cut his hair and Becca did tease him a bit about how long it was. Steve pulled up to the front of the funeral home so Bucky could help Becca out.

           “I’ll see you inside,” said Steve. Bucky helped Becca inside and she looked up at him.

           “You know it’s not your funeral,” said Becca and Bucky looked at her.

           “I just...large crowds still make me a little jumpy,” said Bucky.

           “Anytime you want to come up with a better lie I’m happy to hear it,” said Becca. Bucky bit back a sigh. She was ninety one years old and still annoying. He pulled her into one of the side rooms.

           “I haven’t been on the best terms with Alison lately. I’m not sure she’ll want to see me right now,” said Bucky.

           “James Barnes. We’ll go into the why you aren’t on good terms later, but right now we’re going to go in there and show her some respect. It might put you back on good terms,” said Becca.

           “I know,” said Bucky. They headed into one of the main rooms and jazz was playing softly. A small silver urn was on a table surrounded by flowers and next to the urn was an old and faded picture of Alison’s grandfather from his time in the Marines. Another table had a collection of photos and a few odds and ends. Drumsticks, medals from his service, and teaching awards. Alison had her hair pulled back in a low bun and was wearing a green sweater dress and black leggings. She was talking to a small group of people. She spotted them and excused herself from the group.

           “Thank you for coming,” said Alison and she hugged Becca carefully and she paused for a second before hugging him.

           “It’s the least we could do,” said Becca. “How are holding up?” Alison shrugged.

           “Alright. It’s been a lot of cleaning out old stuff. I got rid of one storage unit and now I’m getting a new one,” said Alison with a bit of dry humor. Bucky went to say something when someone else caught Alison’s eye.

           “Could you excuse me for a minute,” said Alison. She went over to a young woman with dark hair with an older man with thinning brown hair. Bucky watched the young woman pull Alison into a bear hug and Alison looked a little happier to see them than she had been to see him. The older man hugged her lightly and they moved over to talk. Sam, Sophia and Sharon came over to join them.

“So does anyone else really want a drink right now?” asked Sophia.

“Do you have anything?” asked Sharon. Sophia pulled a small silver flask out of her purse and Sam just rolled his eyes.

“Geez woman really?” asked Sam.

“I was a Girl Scout and we’re always prepared,” said Sophia taking a small nip. “I hate funerals,” said Sophia.

“I think something is wrong with anyone who likes them,” said Sam.

“Alison asked that we leave her the arrangement from the school and from Nick and Rachel, but everything else could go. I personally plan on taking the arrangement Justin sent her and tossing it in the trash,” said Sophia and Sam rolled his eyes.

“They parted on good terms,” said Sam and Sharon patted his arm.

“We just say that to hid our revenge fueled thoughts,” said Sharon.

“They broke up?” asked Bucky feeling very confused.

“A few weeks ago. He wanted to work things out with his wife. I shouldn’t hate him, but I still want to punch him in the face when I see him,” said Sophia. Bucky felt that tinge of guilt increase. She wasn’t seeing anyone and had probably been upset about that and he just heaped on stress for good reason. _God you are an asshole,_ thought Bucky.

“I wish she would let us come with her. It’s a long drive to Niagara,” said Sophia.

“She’s only dumping part of the ashes and she wants to do it her way,” said Sam. Alison joined their group and nudged Sophia.

“Tell me you have more booze,” said Alison. Sophia handed her the flask and Alison took a sip.

“You only have to get through a few more hours,” said Sophia putting an arm around her.

“Excuse me,” said a small older woman. “We’ll start the service whenever you’re ready.”

“Thank you,” said Alison. She squared her shoulders and took Sophia’s hand.

“You can do this,” said Sophia.

“I can do this,” said Alison. She and Sophia went to take their seats and Sam looked at Sharon.

“Think you can sit by yourself for a bit?” asked Sam.

“I’ll be fine,” said Sharon.

“We should get a seat,” said Becca and Bucky helped her sit down. Steve joined them and Bucky noticed that a few people from the Med Staff were here along with Natasha and Bruce. Alison, Sam, Renee, Sophia and Sarah sat in the front row. _I owe her an apology and a lot more than that,_ thought Bucky.

The prayers were said and the older woman who had approached Alison rattled off the list of things Alison’s grandfather had done before turning the mike over to Alison. She looked to be shaking a bit as she went up to the podium.

“I wish I had time to really go into to how much Robert meant to me and I have thought over and over what I should say about him. One story really sticks and it happened when I was about ten. We could finally join the orchestra at school and I was the only girl who wanted to play drums. Of course kids are sort of a bunch of jerks and a few decided to take issue with my drum playing and a bunch of rather uncreative and nasty things were said. I came home in tears and told myself I wasn’t going to even try out since everyone was so nasty about it. I told the old man I wasn’t going to play anymore. He looked at me and said ‘Sweetie they’re just jealous you can handle a stick better than they ever will’ and something about not being a tramp like those flute hussies.

A few people started snickering and Alison nodded.

“I get the subtle jokes now...I didn’t get them at ten and I really didn’t get until them until I was fourteen and yeah he was a little right about those wind instrument girls being a little trampy, He believed in me though. No matter how much I would doubt myself he always believed in me. He did that for his students, the people he commanded and so many people I can’t even think of right now. I think that’s going to be the hardest thing going forward is trying to believe. We have to believe in ourselves and in each other now. Help someone believe in themselves and it never goes away. Even when they do. Thank you,” said Alison and she took her seat. A few more people got up to speak and Bucky only had eyes for Alison. She had helped him believe and now maybe he had to help her believe in something.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           They went to a small bar in Brooklyn for the wake and he couldn’t seem to get her alone for second. He had to be patience and just try to wait out everyone who wanted to talk to her. She was talking to Franklin when a loud crash happened. He looked over to see that an older woman had fallen coming down a small flight of stairs and the cake she was carrying had somehow fallen on her head. A few people rushed to the woman’s aid and he heard a huge snicker and before Alison burst out laughing and ran out of the bar. Bucky followed her out and she was leaning against the wall of the building and was laughing so hard she was crying.

           “Are you alright?” asked Bucky and Alison looked up a little stunned.

           “I’m fine I just needed some air,” said Alison. It took her a minute to compose herself. It was quiet between them and Bucky took a step towards her and she looked a little nervous.

“I um...I know I’ve been sort of an ass lately and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve how I acted. I just...I was jealous,” admitted Bucky and Alison looked puzzled.

“What?” asked Alison and Bucky tired putting his thoughts in order.

“I was jealous that you were dating and I know I don’t have any right to be but...I thought I wasn’t going to matter to you anymore,” said Bucky and Alison’s expression went from shocked to stunned.

“If I ever made you feel that way I’m so sorry.  It wasn’t my intention to upset you. I know we’ve been really close the last few months and honestly we’ve been more friends than nurse and patient in a lot of ways. I guess I did sort of get wrapped up in the dating and all the stuff with Robert,” said Alison.

“Sophia said he broke up with you,” said Bucky.

“I really haven’t told a lot of people. I didn’t want to deal with people trying to set me up again just yet,” said Alison and she looked at Bucky and smiled. “You should know that no matter who comes into my life that you matter to me,” said Alison. She stood on her toes and gave him a hug. It stunned Bucky for a second before he found thought to hug her back. She had hugged him lightly at the funeral home, but this was the first time she had really hugged him without him making the first move. His grip on her tighten and Alison looked up and she seemed a little confused.

“Bucky I…” that was all she got out before he lowered his head and kissed her. _I don’t want to guess anymore and I’ll take all the blame. I just have to know once what it would be like between us,_ thought Bucky _._ She froze for a second before she started kissing him back.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           He had that look in his eyes that she had seen when they were at the baseball museum and he seemed to be on the edge of something Alison wasn’t sure of.

           “Bucky I…” The movement was so quick it reminded her of when she had watched him spar with Steve. His mouth was on hers before she could take in another breath. She knew she should stop this right now and she moved her arms up to push him away and instead she wraps them around his neck and kisses him back. She was so tired of fighting all her feelings for him.   _I just so tired of pretending and trying to not feel it_ thought Alison.

           His lips were softer than she had thought they would be and for someone who hadn’t kissed anyone in seventy some years he’s very good at it. His tongue runs across her lower lip and she can’t help but open her mouth for him and she isn’t shocked when his tongue slips into her mouth. Alison feels her back digging into the rough bricks and feels his right hand cup her face. He tilts her head slightly and it’s a new angle for him to simply devour her. Damn she hasn’t been kissed like this in years and she can barely keep up with Bucky. He eases away from her and she’s having trouble trying to ground herself.

           “I’ve wanted to do for a long time,” said Bucky softly. He’s barely an inch from her mouth and he leans in and kisses her again on the lips lightly. “I didn’t think you would want me.” His right hand has settled on her waist and they’re so close it’s hard to tell if she’s feeling her heart hammer in her chest or if it’s his.

           “I’m not supposed too,” muttered Alison her mind still trying to wrap around what just happened.

           “You do though. I don’t think I’ve had anyone kiss me like that,” said Bucky. He kisses her forehead and something about how lightly he does it sets off a whole new want in her. “I won’t tell anyone...no one has to know,” said Bucky and Alison feels her stomach clench. He’s a patient and she’s not supposed to be making out with her patient in an alley during her grandfather’s wake. _What the hell are you doing?_ It feels like her heart is going to pound out of her chest and she can’t seem to breath.

           “Alison?” calls out a voice and Alison isn’t sure if she wants to laugh or cry. Dr. Louna was standing in the doorway. Alison had gone to see her a few times the last couple of weeks and she had mentioned possibly coming to the wake this afternoon. Alison could only imagine how this looked right now.

           “Are you alright?” asked Louna. Alison went to ease away from Bucky when he grabbed her arm.

           “Don’t,” hissed Bucky and Alison looked at him confused. His face had gone white and his eyes narrowed looking at Louna.

           “She’s a friend,” said Alison and she went to pull away and his grip got tighter.

           “No...no she’s not,” said Bucky and he looked at the older woman. She had aged a few years since he seen her last.

_Just listen to the sound of my voice….compliance will be rewarded._

           “She’s Hydra,” said Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Bobby Darin made it famous Benny Goodhill had a slow jazz version of Beyond the Sea.


	22. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated M-mentions of Non con and well…a move is made.

_She adjusted the dials on the machine and a metal plate went over his face. The shock that followed was more painful than anything he had ever felt during the previous treatments. Everything went numb and he could hear them talking and the plate was removed from his face. The woman had long black hair and bright gray eyes._

_“We look forward to working with you Dr. Loi,” said Zola._

 

           “Bucky. Bucky look at me,” said Alison and she put her hand over his hand. “She’s my doctor. She’s been my doctor for the past year or so and…” Bucky cut her off.

           “I remember her,” spat Bucky and Alison looked up at him worried and then back to the woman who seemed frozen in place. “I’m not lying...she...she…” The rage that came over him made it hard to think. _She hurt you, she let others hurt you. You can hurt her now._ Bucky shoved Alison away and in three quick strides Bucky had his right hand on the woman’s throat.

           “Tell her what you did to me!” spat Bucky. He knew those eyes. This woman had worked with Zola and the others. _Make her pay for this._ He dimly heard Alison telling him to stop and felt her touch his arm. He shoved her away again and turned back the woman who played a part in his hell.

           “TELL HER!!” screamed Bucky and moments later he could feel someone pulling him away.

           “Bucky. Bucky stop it,” said Steve. Steve grabbed both of his arms and pulled him away.

           “You need to breath,” said Bruce. “Listen to me and just breath. “ It was hard to think through the rage. _Don’t protect her. She deserves whatever you can do._

           “She’s with Hydra...don’t trust her,” said Bucky.

           “Get everyone out now,” he heard someone say and a woman told him she would.

           “Bucky...please. Look at me,” said Alison. His eyes locked on hers and she grabbed his right wrist and tapped it. “Come back. Please,” said Alison softly. She looked scared and he had never seen her look scared of him. Well he seen it had once when he attacked her, but after that she had always looked him in the eyes with all the patience in the world. Now just seconds after he kissed her she was scared of him. He felt something in heavy in his chest. That kiss had turned him inside out and she had kissed him back. Some part of her wanted him and he wasn’t going to lose her now. He needed her to believe him though.  

           “Believe me. Please,” said Bucky pleading. Alison brushed his hair back and bit her lip.

           “How is it possible?” asked Alison and she looked near tears. She looked back at the woman. “This is a misunderstanding. Tell them,” said Alison. She opened her mouth, closed it and then looked down at the ground ashamed.

“It was another lifetime. One that I’m not proud of,” she said. Steve let Bucky go and Bruce put a hand on his shoulder.

“I didn’t think he would recognize me. We haven’t see each other since the eighties,” she said. Alison looked at her stunned.

“Who are you?” asked Alison.

“Before I became Dr. Jess Louna, I was Dr. Josie Loi and I worked for Hydra,” said Louna. Steve looked over at Alison.

“Did you tell her about Bucky?” asked Steve and Bucky saw worry and confusion in Alison’s face.

“Before I really settled on taking the job...we talked about Bucky. She was my doctor when I was in the hospital and she’s been my doctor since I left,” said Alison.

“She didn’t tell me anything that would compromise him. Actually I felt it was karma coming back to bite me. The patient I saved helping the patient I failed. You’ve done a rather good job with him considering he remembers me,” said Louna and Alison glared at her.

“Don’t,” she spat and Louna hung her head.

“You all have every right to be angry with me. I did some horrible things that I’m not proud of. But you’re too fair to not let me explain what happened. I left and I tried to help him get away. I deserve whatever punishment is coming my way and I’ll give you any information you want about what I know of Hydra. I have files on him that I took with me before I left,” said Louna. Alison looked so worried and hurt it broke through his rage. Her arm was scrapped and her palm was bleeding from when he pushed her. She glared at Louna before looking at him and her eyes soften when she looked at him.

“You have files?” asked Alison.

“And then some,” said Louna. She reached into her bag, pulled out a ring of keys and handed them to Alison.

“You’ll find them in my office. The coffee table has a fake bottom with a safe. Blue key and the combination is forty two to the right, twenty seven to the left, sixteen to the right and three to the left,” said Louna. Alison gripped them tightly and she looked at Steve.

“Can I take Sam with me?” asked Alison.

“Take Natasha too,” said Steve and Louna shook her head.

“There’s no trap, but I understand your distrust,” said Louna.

“We’re going to turn you over to the UN after you answer some questions,” said Steve. Bucky held his temper with both hands. He only did it for Alison who looked so confused it tugged at him. _Alison trusted her and she betrayed her,_ thought Bucky. Alison was shaking as she walked away and Bucky went to follow her when Bruce grabbed his shoulder lightly.

“She needs a moment,” said Bruce and Bucky looked at him. _Why can you never help her when she needs it?_ thought Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           After Sophia and Renee sent everyone home and Sharon agreed to take Becca back to the nursing home, they took Louna back to Stark Tower and they conferenced Maria in to watch Steve question her. Tony and Pepper were back in California so the Tower was vacant except for them. Bucky and Bruce watched from an upstairs office. Bucky paced while she talked. He couldn’t stand to look at her. Hearing her voice was hard enough.

           “I was in my twenties working with patients with mental issues. Lobotomies were still being used for all manner of things. However they were messy and extremely damaging when performed wrong. I thought there was a better way with ETC treatments,” started Louna.

           “Electric shock treatments,” said Steve coldly.

           “Yes. I thought there was a way to use it help patients move on from troubling behaviors. I couldn’t get the funding for my work. I needed test subjects. I was approached by Zola and at first it was just theories with him. He had done his own work the ETC and well it was fascinating. I know personally he is a horrible man, but he was an amazing scientist. I was young and stupid and far too eager to prove I was right. I was selfish and I simply wanted a subject to work on,” said Louna and she did sound upset. Bucky closed his eyes and he could still recall the full body pain he experienced when he was in that damn chair.

“Did they tell you who he was?” spat Steve. “What they were doing to him?”

“Not at first.  I hate to admit it, but I didn’t care...it was exciting to work with Zola and Fennhoff. They had ideas that could be used for mental illness that no one had thought of or wanted to even look at. I can blame foolishness for getting me in...I can only blame fear and weakness for keeping where I was,” said Louna. Bucky heard her take a deep breath before going on.

“After Zola and Fennhoff died I was put in charge of maintaining the Winter Soldier. Making sure he performed properly,” said Louna and Bucky wanted to punch something. Oh yes he performed properly on several occasions and there was a stack of bodies to prove it.

“You controlled him. Used him against his will for assassinations. When you were done you stuck him in a damn freezer,” yelled Steve.

“Captain,” said Hill with just an edge of warning.

“I was in too deep. I...I was put in charge of his care and I tried to stop them from hurting him too much... I told them he could only be out for some long before he started remembering and acting out. They didn’t listen and they took him to South America...he was out for almost two weeks. When they brought him back…” Louna trailed off and Bucky could remember parts of one trip to South America.

He didn’t really remember the mission so he guessed that meant it went off alright. However the team meant to get him and his handlers out couldn’t get to them. Something had gone wrong and they were stuck in the safe house during the two weeks. They kept him chained to the floor and tossed him food and water once in a while. He tried to get out when he had a rare moment of clarity. He got as far as the stairs leading out of the house when they stunned him and re chained back to the floor. He remembered paying dearly for his attempt. _They beat me...they raped me,_ thought Bucky and he couldn’t help but shudder at the memories.

“Bucky?” asked Bruce.

“I didn’t think I would ever see her again,” said Bucky and it was the truth. She had disappeared and there had been a new doctor to take care of him.  They became interchangeable for him. _They all hurt me though. It was the only constant,_ thought Bucky shoving his fists in his pockets.

“I didn’t know where to go for help. SHIELD was tied to Hydra so I couldn’t turn to them. I was also to ashamed to own up to my mistakes. So instead of staying and trying to make sure he got out safely I took the rather drastic course of faking my own death. My car crashed and went into the ocean. No body to recover. Very sad. I gave him a post hypnotic suggestion to not return to base after his next mission. I changed everything about myself. I went back into medicine though. I wanted to make something right,” said Louna

“After Alison told you about Bucky, did you anything to her?” asked Steve and Bucky felt kicked in the gut. _Was it all a lie? Was she brainwashed to care about me? She kissed me back,_ thought Bucky.

He had expected her to pull away and be upset, he didn’t expect her to wrap her arms around him and kiss him back. It had been so long since someone had made him feel wanted in that way. Well wanted in a good way. _They always wanted me for something...I didn’t want them,_ thought Bucky.

“No! I never did anything to manipulate Alison. She genuinely cares about him. Right from the start she cared about him. She’s the type of person I wish I could have been,” said Louna. Bucky could hear Louna crying and he wished he could feel sorry for her. She had answers though and he was going to have them.

“I want to talk to her,” said Bucky and Bruce looked worried.

“I’m not sure that’s the best idea,” said Bruce.

“I don’t care. She used me like I was nothing and I need to know something,” said Bucky and he slammed out the room.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           _“I dreamed about him again,” said Alison and she felt her face flush a little._

_“Do you want to go into details?” asked Louna and Alison shrugged._

_“It wasn’t anything x rated...we went out for coffee. We talked. You think after talking to him for over forty hours a week we wouldn’t have anything to talk about,” said Alison with a little nervous laugh. “It’s a sad state of affairs when I dream about talking to my patient,” said Alison._

_“You said this one wasn’t X-rated. So I take you’ve had ones that were?” asked Louna and Alison felt her face go beet red. “You haven’t really entertained the idea of sex since Matt’s passing so in a way I could say this is a good step for you,” said Louna. The color left Alison’s face quickly._

_“I’m not...I can’t go down that road with him. It would be wrong,” said Alison._

_“On paper yes,” said Louna and Alison raised an eyebrow._

_“And in the real world too,” said Alison._

_“I’m not saying you should jump into a sexual relationship with him this very second. Or that it would be the right thing for you right now. However you do spend a lot of time with him on a very personal level and it’s only human that you would start to feel something for him. Have you considered the possibility he could feel the same way for you?” asked Louna and Alison shook her._

_“He sees me as a friend and that’s all,” said Alison._

           “Are you sure that doesn’t hurt?” asked Sam. Alison looked down at her hand and shrugged. She had scrapped it when Bucky had pushed her away. She hadn’t seen him that enraged since the first week they spent together. _He could have done a lot more than push you,_ thought Alison and she shoved the thought away quickly. He hadn’t been mad at her, but he had been so caught up in his rage she wasn’t sure she could have helped him without Steve and Bruce nearby.

           “It’s fine. I’ll fix it later,” said Alison. They were waiting for Natasha to finish doing a check of the office. It was a hard thing to wrap her head around right now.

           “Hey,” said Sam and he made her look at him. “This isn’t your fault. It’s not like she had it tattooed on her forehead what she did before you knew her,” said Sam.

           “I trusted her Sam. I talked about you and Matt and...she knows my whole life. I wasn’t sure I was right for the job with Bucky and the Avengers and she gave me that last little push I needed to take it. Did she do because she really thought I could help him or so she had someone with the Avengers?” asked Alison.

           “I know this can’t be easy on you. You trusted her and you were in a really bad place when she came into your life. She helped you and I think she’s really sorry about what came before. Maybe that’s why she gave you that push to help him. She knew you would be good for it,” said Sam.

           Alison wondered how good she was really for Bucky right now considering what had happened less than an hour ago.   _He wanted to kiss you and you wanted to kiss him too,_ thought Alison and she kicked herself. How could she have been so unbelievable blind to his feelings? _Because it would have meant admitting how far you have fallen for him,_ thought Alison. Natasha opened the office door to let them in.

           “It looks clear. I didn’t see anything to suggest recent contact with Hydra,” said Natasha. “We’ll have to check her home just in case,” said Natasha. Alison went over to the coffee table and opened the little door in the front where some books were stored. After taking the books out she felt around for a way to get the bottom up.

           “Here,” said Natasha and she helped Alison pry the bottom up. Alison dialed in the combination and unlocked the safe. There were stacks of files and Alison carefully pulled them out. She would have to check to see if these were the notes missing from when she first read the Winter Solider file. There was a plastic bag and when Alison got it into the light she nearly gasped. It was Bucky’s jacket from his Howling Commando days. Another bag in the safe held his dog tags. _I used to have these...they took mine. Now he could have his back,_ thought Alison. To think she has sat here and the whole time his things were here.

           “I don’t understand why she took these,” said Alison holding the bag with the dog tags.

“Maybe she knew someday she could give them back,” said Natasha. Alison just stared at them dumbfounded. Natasha gave Sam a look and he stepped outside. Clearly some girl talk was needed.

“When I left the KGB and joined SHIELD it felt like a weight was lifted a little bit. I was finally going to use what I was for good. I did do some good, but some of what I did I have to question if it was SHIELD or Hydra,” said Natasha. “I’m a trained spy and assassin and even I didn’t know I was being used by the people I thought I was helping. Don’t blame yourself for not knowing who she was,” said Natasha and Alison sighed.

“Come on. You need to clean that up,” said Natasha eyeing Alison’s hand. They went into the small bathroom and Natasha pulled out a first aid kit. Alison washed her hands before Natasha applied antiseptic to the scraps and helped Alison wrap it up.

“So you and Bucky were out there for a while,” said Natasha causally and she noticed that Alison had paled a little bit. “Don’t blame yourself for whatever you’re feeling...sometimes those are the hardest thing to figure out,” said Natasha. Before Alison could say anything Natasha left the bathroom.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           Bucky walked into the room and Steve looked up at him alarmed.

           “You shouldn’t be in here,” said Steve and Bucky looked at Louan who seemed so small and weak it almost made Bucky feel like a bully. _She let them use you like you were nothing. Don’t feel sorry for her,_ thought Bucky.

           “I have the right to know somethings. I won’t do anything to hurt her. I promise. But I want some answers from her. I want to speak to her alone. No cameras,” said Bucky and he was stunned about how calm he sounded. Steve looked at Maria on the screen and then back to Bucky.

           “I think we’ve heard enough. We’ll keep this recording for ourselves for now,” said Hill. “It might not be the best idea to let everyone know we have a former Hydra assassin under our roof. I’ll get on the horn with the UN though,” said Hill before she logged off.

           “Are you sure you want to do this alone?” asked Steve glaring at Louan.

           “She can’t hurt me anymore,” said Bucky keeping his hands in his pockets. _You could kill her in under ten seconds. Don’t...she knows things...think about Alison,_ thought Bucky. Steve nodded and stood up.

           “I’ll be outside,” said Steve. He unplugged the wall camera and he left the room. Bucky sat down in the chair Steve had been in and looked at her. She had aged a great deal, her long black hair was now streaked with gray and her eyes seemed dull.

           “How does it feel?” asked Bucky and Louan kept her head down. “How does it feel to be so damn powerless? To know you don’t control your life anymore?” asked Bucky.

           “It’s terrifying,” whispered Louan and Bucky nodded.

           “I could never find the word to describe what it was like during those little moments of clarity. I would remember bits...hazy little bits from before and I knew I wasn’t going to have them for long because I wasn’t supposed to. I think terrifying might be a good fit for what I felt during those moments. You used me...they all did in some way,” muttered Bucky.

           “If I could take it back…” started Louan.

           “YOU CAN’T TAKE ANY OF IT BACK!” snapped Bucky. He got up and he punched the wall with left fist. “I don’t get to go back and be who I used to be. Not all the way. You’re part of the reason I don’t get to go back. I have nightmares where I see you...playing with the dials on the machine...telling me how I should behave. That I would be rewarded if I did what I was told. That trip to the fridge was a great reward,” said Bucky and he made himself sit back down.

           “I know I can’t take any of it back...but I would if I could. I could have found a better way to get you out. To bring it all down, but I was scared and weak. It’s a poor excuse, but it’s the only one I have,” said Louan. Bucky looked at the wall and gathered his thoughts.

           “You really didn’t do anything to Alison?” asked Bucky and Louan shook her head.

           “No. Everything she’s done for you has been her own choice. She was scared at first. Scared of what failing you would mean. She’s…,” Louan broke off and looked down.

           “No! You tell me what she told you. You owe me that much,” said Bucky.

           “I do owe you a great deal. I just...I see a lot myself in her,” said Louan.

           “Don’t you dare compare yourself to her! She wouldn’t have done a fraction of the things you’ve done,” said Bucky and he had ball his hands up in his pockets to keep them off her.

           “No. Alison wouldn’t have done what I did. I wanted to help people once and I thought I could. She’s actually helped you. You could have killed me twenty different ways and the fact you haven’t shows she’s helped you with control,” said Louan.

           “Don’t think I haven’t considered it,” said Bucky.

           “You won’t because it would hurt Alison,” said Louan.

           “You stay out of my head,” snapped Bucky.

           “I’m sorry…” Louan took a deep breath before going on. “Alison was worried that she wouldn’t be able to help you. That you would spend your life in a room, drugged out of your mind if she couldn’t reach you. Considering she spent some time in a room, drugged out of her mind she couldn’t stand to see it happen to someone else,” said Louan.

           “She did agree though,” said Bucky.

           “She was halfway through the door. I just pushed her through it a little. I told her that you needed a friend more than anything. That it might help you more if she was friend. You two have really helped each other by being more friends than patient and nurse,” said Louan.

           “I haven’t help her,” muttered Bucky and Louan sighed.

           “She cares a great deal about you. After Matt died, she didn’t think she could care that way about someone again...she cares about you that way,” said Louan and Bucky felt his whole body tense and he gripped the table with both hands. He was grabbing it so hard he could feel it cracking under his metal hand.

           “Don’t you lie to me. Don’t play games with me,” hissed Bucky.

           “I owe you and I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me for what I did to you so I might as well tell you the truth. She’s in love with you,” said Louan. Bucky felt his heart slam into his ribs and it felt like he couldn’t breathe. The thing he had only hoped for was true and he didn’t know what do now. Bucky left the room and slammed the door behind him and was halfway down the hall before he was aware Steve was next to him.

           “Bucky. What did she say to you?” asked Steve. Bucky didn’t answer and Steve grabbed his arm and stopped him. “Bucky. Please talk to me,” said Steve and Bucky let out a bitter laugh.

           “She’s still screwing me. I let her into my head and she knew which button to push...she’s just lying to screw with me...it’s can’t be true...it’s good to be true and I don’t deserve anything good. Not after everything I’ve done...I can’t make it make sense though,” said Bucky and he just wanted to scream. _She loves you. She kissed you back and now what? She wouldn’t have kissed you back unless she felt something. No...she tricked Alison into it somehow,_ thought Bucky.

           “What’s not true?” asked Steve calmly.

           “She had to have done something to Alison. It’s the only thing that makes sense,” muttered Bucky.

           “I don’t think she did anything to Alison. Is that button she pushed?” asked Steve. “What did she tell you?” asked Steve.

           “You’ve known me your whole life so it makes sense why you care. Why does she care about me though? Why would she love me Steve unless someone scrambled her brain?” asked Bucky and Steve looked shocked.

           “She told you Alison loved you?’ asked Steve and Bucky looked ready to run.

           “It doesn’t make sense,” said Bucky and sounded so confused it tore at Steve. “I kissed her and she didn’t push me away. I just wanted to do it once and I really didn’t think she would kiss me back. I thought it make sense once I knew how she felt. It doesn’t sense though,” said Bucky.

           “Being in love doesn’t ever make sense. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s just how it is. If it made sense we wouldn’t screw it up so much. I think she loves you Bucky, because she knows you. She knows all of you and you do deserve to have someone love you. We’re still working out how to tell people you’re alive, but when the story comes out about what happened to you...no one is going to blame you for you did. It wasn’t your fault. You deserve something good in your life and maybe it’s her. It’s not going to be easy and I’ll do my best to make sure no one goes after her for being with you. But if you two want to be together, than you should be together,” said Steve.

           “I’m scared,” said Bucky. He was terrified about being in love. She was his weakness and if Hydra ever found him they would use her to hurt him. What if he lost control? All the what if’s were slamming into his head when Steve grabbed his shoulders.

“I was so in love with Peggy that I was too scared to take a chance. Take a chance Bucky. You’ll hate yourself if you don’t,” said Steve.

“I already have days when I hate myself,” said Bucky.

“Don’t make it worse,” said Steve and Bucky almost smiled.

“I’m going to get her in trouble,” said Bucky.

“I’ll take it care of it. Just don’t go telling everybody right now,” said Steve. Bucky sighed when Steve’s phone went off.

“They’re waiting upstairs,” said Steve. Bucky felt a mild sense of panic and he took a deep breath trying to calm down. _Just breath,_ thought Bucky. They headed up and Sam was with Natasha, but no Alison.

“Where is she?” asked Bucky trying to stay calm.

“She asked us if we could drop her off back at the bar so she could get her car. Natasha told her to go back to the apartment and get some rest. That any debriefing could wait until after she got back from Niagara,” said Sam.

“Alison said she would go over the files later, but she wanted you to have these now,” said Natasha and she handed two bags to Bucky. Buck tore open the large bag and pulled his jacket out. The wool looked a little moth eaten and the left sleeve was torn off and he could see the blood on the frayed part. _The jacket was thicker than the basic one that came with his uniform and it felt a little heavier too. Howard said it had some armor in it, not bulletproof. It was enough to stop knife or bayonet attacks._

“I think this might have been the warmest coat I ever owned,” said Bucky and Steve gave him a sad little smile. The other bag held his dog tags. Somehow they still looked shiny and Bucky put them on and felt them clink against Alison’s tags. _She wouldn’t give these to just anybody,_ thought Bucky.

“You alright?” asked Sam.

“Maybe. I just need some air,” said Bucky. He put the jacket back in the bag before leaving the room. He was halfway way down the stairs when Natasha caught up to him and put two key rings in his hand.

“You might need to let yourself into the apartment. That’s the little key. The other one  might get you to Brooklyn faster. It’s in the garage. Black Kia Soul. Sam won’t notice his keys missing for a while. Good luck,” said Natasha. Bucky watched her go back up and he gripped the keys in his hand. _I need all the luck I can get,_ thought Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           Alison changed out of the leggings and sweater dress into a pair of jeans and old NYU hoodie. Natasha had told her to get some rest, but Alison was too wired to go to sleep. She sat down with the stack of unopened sympathy cards and a notebook to write down who sent each card.

           She opened one and her brain just couldn’t put together what she had meant to do with them. _Think stupid. Think...cards...the cards have donations and you need to see about getting them to the charity...he wanted any donations to go to the music program where he used to teach. You have to write thank you notes for the donations and for the flowers you got. The funeral home was paid in full. I should see if I owe the nursing home anything...the hospital. I’m sure I owe them something. That will come out of the life insurance and I’m going to have to budget what’s left because you’re going to lose your job for kissing your patient._

“What the hell is wrong with me,” muttered Alison. She sat the cards aside and simply curled up on the sofa. She couldn’t think straight and everything was just bouncing in her head. She took a deep breath and tried to think. She had allowed her romantic feelings to override her better judgement. She had no right to kiss him or to allow him make that move on her. It was her own damn fault for letting herself get so close to him. _Was it all wrong though,_ wondered Alison. He needed help in the worst possible way and he had made huge improvements over the last five months considering where he had been.

She had been so stupid though to not see where it was heading. Then again neither one of them had entertained the idea of a relationship in years so she wondered if feeling this way had been another reason he had started being distant with her. _He was jealous and you hurt him by not seeing it. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid,_ thought Alison bitterly.

She would have to tell Steve what had happened. She had crossed a line and she couldn’t treat him anymore. If he decided to let her stay on to treat Wanda or start classes was another matter. He was protective of Bucky and she had in a very stupid and careless way hurt him. She had screwed up again. What was she going to tell Sam. _Hey sorry I screwed up the really awesome job you helped me get. I didn’t keep myself in check and I let my patient make a pass at me that I returned._

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” muttered Alison to herself. _Well you did and you can’t take it back. You’ve hurt him just like everyone else has,_ hissed some hateful little voice in her head. She was going to disappoint everyone who was left in her life and she hurt someone who trusted her completely after years of not trusting anyone.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” said Alison and she could feel the pressure in her chest and the tightening in her head. She hadn’t had a panic attack in months and she could feel this one going to be bad. She grabbed a pillow and buried her face in it. She curled up even tighter on the sofa and tried to think through the panic and she couldn’t think.

           There was a knock on the door and she wanted to scream. _Not now. Please not now...I can’t handle anyone right now,_ thought Alison. There was another knock and she bit back a sob.

           “Not now. Okay. Just not now,” called Alison. It was pointless if it was Renee, Sarah, or Sam since they had keys. Sure enough she heard the keys in the lock and she couldn’t pull herself together so they wouldn’t see her like this.

           “Alison,” said a voice and the panic just got worse as Bucky sat down and touched her head.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           “Not now. Okay. Just not now!” She sounded so worried and hurt that Bucky wondered if he should go in. _Coward. Stop walking away when she needs help,_ thought Bucky. He unlocked the door and there was Alison on the sofa, knees pulled up to her chest and her face buried in a small pillow. _Jesus,_ thought Bucky. He shut the door and sat down on the sofa.

           “Alison,” said Bucky and he reached out and stroked her head the way she had with him when he woke up from a nightmare. “Alison. You can’t breathe like that,” said Bucky and he eased the pillow away from her face.

           “I’m so sorry,” whispered Alison. Bucky’s hand stilled on her head, before he started stroking it again. He was going to have to talk her through this and he wasn’t sure if he could, but he had to try.

           “Why are you sorry?” asked Bucky. She didn’t answer, but he had feeling he knew.

           “You didn’t do anything wrong...I started it after all. I just...I know I shouldn’t have. Natasha told me that it would be wrong if we did anything. That people would think you were hurting me. It didn’t hurt me...it made me happy. It was like I was normal again,” said Bucky. Alison sat up and looked at him confused.

           “When did she say that?” asked Alison.

           “July. Part of me wanted to tell you then. Another part told me to keep my mouth shut because I’m not good enough for you,” said Bucky. Alison put her face in her hands and he could tell she was trying not to cry. _God how does she find the words to talk me down all the time,_ thought Bucky. Alison took some deep breaths and looked at him.

           “I’m sorry I didn’t see what was going on. If I had I would have stepped aside and tried to find someone better suited for you,” said Alison.

           “I don’t want anyone else,” said Bucky and Alison shook her head. She got up and she started pacing. _God is this what I was like during those first sessions?_ She looked so worried it pulled at him.

           “Bucky...James...we can’t. What happened shouldn’t have happened and it’s my fault for letting it happen. I’m going to tell Steve what happened and…”

           “I told Steve already,” said Bucky. The color left her face and she went still. “He knew how I felt than too,” said Bucky getting off the sofa and going over to Alison. “He told me to take a chance or else I was going to hate myself,” said Bucky. He gripped her arms in his hands carefully and she looked up at him so wide eyed it reminded him of a deer in headlights.

           “You told her that you were in love with me. I really don’t know why you love me. I love you though. I love how you look at me like I’m a person. It’s almost too much sometimes. I feel too much for you and it’s terrifying and it makes me happy and sad and I don’t know what else I feel. I like it thought,” said Bucky and the deer in headlights look was still on Alison’s face.

           “She told you?” asked Alison and her voice was barely above a whisper.

           “Was she lying?” asked Bucky and his grip got a little tighter on her arms.

           “My feelings don’t matter because we can’t do this,” said Alison and she went to pull away and he wouldn’t go. “James. Let go,” said Alison.

           “No. I’m not letting go and stop calling me James. It’s not going to change this,” said Bucky and he had to remind himself to stay calm with her or else it was going to end badly for both of them. _She’s scared, don’t make it worse,_ thought Bucky and he eased his grip a little before he let go.

           “I don’t care what people might say when they find out. I know the truth. You didn’t trick me or hurt me into what I feel for you. I’ve had plenty of people hurt and trick me into doing what they wanted me to do. Not you,” said Bucky.

           He could see her thinking and it was in her eyes, the confusion mixed with longing

           “Aren’t you tired of thinking?” asked Bucky.  Alison closed her eyes and nodded. Bucky bent down and kissed her forehead. He could feel her whole body tense and relax in a split second. He wasn’t thinking when his right hand settled on her waist and he pulled her close to him.

           “Then stop thinking,” said Bucky. He kisses her before she has another second to think. There is a second of hesitation before she’s kissing him back. Bucky can feel her hands around his neck and her whole body is pressed against his. Bucky moves his right hand to her lower back so she’s pressed against him more.

           “What are we doing,” muttered Alison pulling away for a second before kissing him lightly on the lips.

           “Wasting time,” said Bucky. He starts kissing her again and before she can second guess herself he’s pulling her over to the sofa and onto him. She straddling his lap and Bucky can’t help but moan into her mouth. “I want you all over me,” said Bucky and his right hand settles on her back. Alison takes his left hand and places it on her side and he breaks the kiss.

           “I don’t know if I should...if I lose control,” said Bucky and Alison presses it into her side.

           “I really don’t think either one of us is really the best judge of being in control right now.  I trust you and that’s a part of you. Maybe we should slow down?” suggested Alison.

           “No,” said Bucky and he moves his right hand over to her side and he can’t help but move under her so she can feel what she was doing to him. “I don’t want to slow down. I want,” what he wants is lost as Alison kisses him lightly and looks at him and it’s that patience look.

           “We haven’t done anything like this in a long time and I don’t want to rush you. I don’t want to trigger something bad for you or well disappoint you,” said Alison and Bucky raises an eyebrow.

           “How do you know I’m going to disappoint you here?” asked Bucky and Alison shakes her head.

           “Just tell me if you want stop or you don’t like something,” said Alison. Bucky grabs her hips and just moves against her.

           “I just want you. Please?”

Alison starts kissing him again and moving her own body against his. It slow at first, trying to find the right rhythm and pace between them. Bucky moves his hands under her sweater and she starts moaning into his mouth when his hands finds her breasts and he starts touching them. _More.. I need more,_ thought Bucky. He skims the hem of her sweater before pulling the sweater over her head.  He stops kissing her mouth so he can kiss any part of her he can.  She’s moaning and arching her body she he can take more of her and it’s all Bucky can do to not take her right now. _Don’t rush. It’s good like this._ He’s kissing her breasts through the fabric of her bra when Alison takes her bra off and she looks embarrassed a second later.

“We’re going too fast,” mutters Alison and she goes to pick the bra up and he stops her.

“You are so damn pretty,” said Bucky. His right hand cups a breast while he kisses and sucks the other one.

“Bucky,” it’s pleading and he responds by switching which breast he cups and which he kisses. He’s barely aware of her hands fighting with the buttons on his shirt until he feels her hands on her chest. He pulls away to pull off his shirt and undershirt and pulls her back so their chests are pressing against each other. Alison pulls away to study his body and a small smirk graces her mouth

He didn’t always look this way and Bucky knows that. He had always been fit from sports and hours on the dock. However the serum and intense training had changed him immensely.  It’s a passing thought as Alison runs her hands over his chest. Feeling his body, her hands were so warm on his skin and she kissing a path down from his neck, down his torso until she has to slide off his lap and she kneeling in front of him.

“Should I stop?” asked Alison her hands resting on his belt buckle.

“No,” panted Bucky and she unbuckled his belt and undid his pants before slowly reaching out to touch his member. Her touch was soft, warm and she started stroking him slowly. It was different when someone who loved you was touching you. He had nearly forgotten after..

_He had failed in his mission in killing the level six targets and the team had lost them. The lead man-Rumlow came into the room after his wiping and slapped him._

_“Get on your knees,” ordered the man and the Soldier obeyed , he failed and whatever was going to happen was going to happen. The team leader grabbed the Soldier roughly by the hair and smirked._

_“I wish he could see you now. That he could know what a little bitch you are,” laughed Rumlow. He was made to take Rumlow and Rumlow stroked him and…_

“Oh my god Bucky. Bucky. I’m so sorry,” said Alison. Bucky felt himself coming back and realized he had been crying. Alison had pulled her sweater back on and was sitting next to him. Not touching him, but still close by. Her eyes filled with worry for him.

“What happened?” asked Bucky and Alison shook her head.

“I rushed things...I started touching you and you had a flashback. I’m so damn sorry. Are you alright now?” asked Alison and Bucky nodded slowly.

“I’m so stupid,” muttered Bucky. He redid his pants and started trying to button his shirt with shaking hands when Alison took his right hand.

“You aren’t stupid. I love you and well we both lost control for a moment or two. We’ll go slower next time...I mean if you want try again. If you don’t that’s fine too. And,” Bucky cut her off.

“Why do you love me? You can’t touch me without risk of me freaking out. You aren’t safe with me,” said Bucky.

“I love you because you are so damn brave and smart and kind. You have every reason to distrust everyone and never open up again and the fact that you try everyday...god I wish I had a fraction of your courage. I’ve seen how kind you are. They didn’t take all of you away and I guess I fell in love watching you find who you are,” said Alison. She moved a little closer and this time she kissed his forehead. _You’re safe with her. Always will be ._

“I’m not sure where we go from here. It’s up to you. I want you to be happy and I don’t want you feel pressure if we decided to tiptoe around everyone,” said Alison. “I’m not going to lie, I am scared but not about you. You’re right about what people are going to say. That  I tricked you or I put my feelings ahead of yours. And I did in some respect, but I never would hurt you on purpose,” said Alison.

“I want to be with you. We’ll work out the rest later,” said Bucky. He pulled off the two sets of dog tags and took one of his tags off.  “If you had been my girl back then I would have given you one of these,” said Bucky and he pressed the tag into her hand. Alison smiled and she looked a little glassy eyed.

“So I guess this means I’m your girl Sergeant Barnes?” asked Alison.

“You up for the task?” asked Bucky and she just shook her head and added the tag to her chain. She slide off one of her father’s tags and pressed it into his hand.

“I try my best for you,” said Alison. He added her father’s tag to his chain and she hugged him. “I think I…” Alison yawned loudly and Bucky eyed her.

“You slept when?” asked Bucky and she ducked her head.

“It’s been awhile. I was supposed to be sleeping when you came over,” said Alison.  

“I should go and let you get some sleep,” said Bucky.

“No. I. I don’t want to be alone right now,” said Alison. “I know it sounds needy and clingy, but could you stay until I fall asleep. Bucky locked the door and took his shoes off. So many nights she had stayed with him until he was ready for sleep, now it was his turn to be there for her. Bucky laid on the sofa and Alison curled up in the space next to him. He wrapped his left arm around her and she used his right arm for a pillow. He didn’t leave when she fell asleep. He pulled his girl close and fell asleep with her.

 


	23. Figuring it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated M-Mentions of Non con. Consensual touching.

When Alison went to roll over when something pulled her close and muttered.

           “Не идти ... так тепло.” The fog started to roll away and she sees the metal hand draped over her. _Bucky._ Her back is pressed against his chest and he’s resting his head on top of her head. He’s snoring lightly and she can also hear the faint hum of circuits coming from the arm.

           It was in the middle of the afternoon when she went to sleep and now she’s pretty sure it’s early morning from the light coming in the window. _He was gone all night. Did he tell anyone he was going to be here? Steve is probably having kittens right now,_ thought Alison.

“Bucky. Bucky,” said Alison and with her slightly free hand she reached back and tried to shake him awake. He simply pulls her closer and mutters something else in Russian. _He doesn’t want to let go, subconsciously he’s trying very hard to hold on to you,_ thought Alison. She couldn’t help but feel that little jolt in her system. It had been awhile since she knew someone wanted her this way. Not just sex, but intimacy. She knew he trusted her, but he had completely let his guard down and she could only imagine how hard that was for him.

He shifts enough so Alison can roll over and face him. She watched him sleep when he first came in and his face looked haunted. Waking up from nightmares that he still won’t talk about. Now he actually looks like a normal twenty something guy sleeping peacefully. His hair is hanging over his face and he still smells like aftershave

She knows she should wake him up and send him back to Steve. That she needs to shower and get on the road before traffic gets bad, but it’s been such a long time since she’s woken up next to anyone holding her this way. _Just a little bit longer._ Alison sighs and places a light kiss on Bucky’s neck before settling where she is.

“So this is real huh?” asked the sleep roughened voice. Alison looks up to see Bucky’s eyes are still closed, but he’s smirking a little and his left hand starts rubbing her back through her sweater.

“I thought I was going to wake up and you wouldn’t be here. That this was just another dream,” said Bucky. He opens his eyes and Alison can’t help but be drawn in by how blue they are and how relaxed he looks. His hand slides under her sweater and he stops when she shudders a little when the metal touches her skin. That relaxed looks goes quickly to guarded and unsure.

“Sorry,” said Bucky and he goes to pull his hand away and Alison stops him.

“It’s not bad and I didn’t mean for you to stop. It’s just different is all,” said Alison and she takes his hand and puts it on her back under her sweater. He looks uncertain at first, but starts running his hand up and down her back. It’s a little odd at first to feel the metal fingers trailing down her back, but it has her so relaxed she wants to doze off again and Bucky looks relaxed again.

“I could really get used to this. You’re so warm, “said Bucky and the movement is so quick that it takes Alison a second to realize he’s on top of her and sliding both hands up her sides. “I think I’m really going to enjoy getting used to this,” said Bucky before leaning in to kiss her. Alison lets her hands settle on his back as he kisses her and moves his body against her. It would be so easy to shut her mind off and just see what would happen, but she can’t do it. Not after his reaction last night when she wasn’t thinking.

“Bucky. We need to slow down,” said Alison ending the kiss.

“Why?” asked Bucky and he simply starts kissing her neck. “I like how this feels. I haven’t felt this in so long,” he mutters and he suddenly he looks nervous. “You feel it too don’t you?”

“I feel a lot of things when it comes to you,” said Alison and she tucks his hair behind his ears. “We rushed last night and I hurt you. I don’t want to do that again,” said Alison and he looks disappointed and pulls away from her.

“If you don’t want to just say it already,” said Bucky.

“I do want you and that’s what makes it difficult. Balancing what I want from you while trying to not push you into something that might hurt you,” Alison moves a little closer to him and puts a hand on his back. “If I didn’t want this I wouldn’t have asked you to stay last night. I wouldn’t have kissed you back or touched you,” said Alison.

She goes and she kneels in front of him and takes both his hands in hers. It’s awhile before his eyes meet hers. He looks a little lost and Alison squeezes both his hands.

“I do love you and it’s a little overwhelming for me too,” said Alison. She never thought she would be able to tell him that and now that’s it’s out she can’t take it back. Not that she would, but she need him to know that this meant something to her.

“I love you too. It’s just...I thought it would be easy since I love you. They even ruined this for me too,” said Bucky bitterly.

“It’s not ruined. I promise,” said Alison and she leans forward and kisses his forehead. “I’ll prove it.” Alison gets back on the sofa and stretches one leg out and puts the other on the floor. “Come here, lean back on me and put your head on my shoulder.”

He gives a confused look before doing as she asks. It takes a little adjusting before he’s comfortable and once he’s settled Alison drapes her free leg over his legs. She wraps her arms around him and pulls him close.

“I thought this would be too personal for us to do in therapy and I’m tweaking it a little bit. Just relax,” said Alison and she kisses him again on the forehead. Her hands run over his chest slowly and Bucky sighs before closing his eyes and looking relaxed again. Alison slowly starts unbuttoning his shirt while she keeps running her hands over his chest and midsection.

“Do you like this?” asked Alison and Bucky buries his head into her shoulder.

“Yes,” mutters Bucky clearly in his own haze now. She had seen him shirtless before and she had touched him to help him bathe when his arm was being repaired, but this is whole different thing. The nurse in her can’t help but notice the old scars and a few bullet wounds on him. She can only guess at the age and severity considering how quick he heals. Another part of her is a little stunned at how hard his body is. She runs her hands over his abdomen, feeling the muscles and he shudders a bit.

Alison smirks and she kisses Bucky on the mouth. He moans into her kiss as she skims her hands over his body, down to his hips and back up his arms. Alison breaks the kiss and brushes Bucky’s hair back.

“They didn’t ruin you or this,” said Alison putting her hand on his chest and kissing him again. “We just have to figure this out together,” said Alison. She’s a little breathless and she lets her forehead rest against his. Bucky nods and he leans into kiss her when her cell phone goes off

 

_I believe I can fly_

_I believe I can touch the sky_

_Think about it every night and day_

 

“It’s Sam. I have to get it or he’ll worry,” said Alison. She leans over and grabs her cell phone. “Hello.”

“Is he still with you?” asked Sam sounding a little more than annoyed. Alison has a feeling a very long talk with Sam was in order.

“Bucky’s still here,” said Alison and she notices Bucky looks a little sheepish.

“Well that means he still has my car keys and my key to your apartment. I’m on my way with Steve to come collect everything. You decent?” asked Sam. Alison notices her bra is still on the floor and Bucky never bothered putting his undershirt back on. She would do a quick pick up of the apartment.

“Yes we’re decent. I still have breakfast stuff here if you want anything,” said Alison.

“We’ll see you in twenty minutes,” said Sam and he ends the call. Alison looks at Bucky who simply grins.

“Did you take Sam’s keys?” asked Alison. She had been so out of it when Bucky first came in it didn’t dawn on her to think about how he got in.

“Actually Natasha gave them to me. Is he pissed?” asked Bucky easing away from her to grab his shirt.

“He sounds annoyed and well since you did spend the night here he’s already sort of assuming things,” said Alison. She puts her bra back on as Bucky tries to make himself somewhat presentable in his wrinkled shirt.

“Are you going to tell him what happened?” asked Bucky.

“Not all of it. Some things between us are still private,” said Alison. _At least for now,_ thought Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

            Bucky knows Alison is probably going to get an earful from Sam, but he wonders what he’s going to hear from Steve. He hadn’t planned on spending the night, not at first anyway. He could have driven her back to the Tower, but if he’s being honest with himself he wanted to be alone with her for just a bit. They were never really alone together. Yes he had sessions with her, but just outside the door was everyone they knew. The same for their living quarters. One nightmare had the whole floor seeing if he was alright. He had been completely alone with her and well it was nice.

 _I didn’t dream last night,_ thought Bucky. No nightmares or dreams. It was one of the few times he had woken up not been hounded by some vague or vivid memory. He woke up feeling a smaller body press against him, a faint kiss on his neck before he felt Alison settle in next to him. Bucky thought maybe it was a dream until he touched her back. He could sort of feel the warmth of her skin under his fingertips and the press of her body turned him inside out.

Bucky sat at the kitchen table watching Alison fuss around with coffee and sliding a pan into the oven.

“Sarah made me a breakfast casserole. Hopefully by feeding him he’ll chill out a bit,” said Alison pulling out mugs for coffee.

“Are you alright?” asked Bucky. She’s been fussing around ever since Sam called and she can’t seem to be still for a second. Alison sighs and sits some plates on counter before turning around to face him.

“I’m not sure. I’m really happy we finally got to be honest with each other and well...the making out was a nice bonus,” said Alison turning a bit pink. “I’m worried about what’s going to happen to Louna...Loi….whatever her name really is. I know she did horrible things to you, but she saved my life and it’s a little hard to put the two together right now. I’m worried about how people are going to see us...I can’t treat you anymore. Technically you should be out of my care for a year and even then it’s not ideal. I really like you and I don’t regret what’s happening between us and...” Bucky got up and put his hands on her shoulders. She was talking so fast he could barely understand her and she was starting to work herself up into some sort of state.

“Ally breathe,” said Bucky and she takes a few deep ones before looking up at him. “That’s better. I don’t care that you can’t treat me anymore and well I like the fact that we were honest and made out too,” said Bucky and Alison lets out a small laugh.

“I made the first move and if we have to keep things private for a while we can. I’m not gonna lie, it’s going to be hard to not let everyone know you’re my girl. I don’t want to get you in trouble though. You’ve helped me and you’re helping Wanda and well who knows who else might need your help in the future. Steve knows how I feel about you and he won’t get rid of you...well he does like you as a friend too. We’ll just have to figure this out together too,” said Bucky.

He won’t have anyone think badly of her and what is going on between them. It’s been so long since anyone has loved him or respected him and she’s done both since day one. She saved his life and he knows that she could really help other people if she’s given the chance. _I kissed her first, I made the first move and I won’t have anyone say she’s hurting me or that she’s a bad person. I love her and I know she won’t hurt me,_ thought Bucky. Alison takes his hands in her hers.

“See this is why they made you a Sergeant. Cool under pressure. I just don’t want the wrong impression getting out. I really had no intention of telling you how I felt since I didn’t think you felt that same and well I didn’t intend to act on it if you did. I blame your eyes,” said Alison and now it was his turn to laugh.

“My eyes?” asked Bucky.

“You have no idea how pretty your eyes are. No wonder every girl in Brooklyn tried to get at you,” said Alison and Bucky simply smirks.

“And here I thought it was my wit,” said Bucky.

“Well that’s not to be overlooked,” said Alison. There is a knocking on the door and Alison squeezes his hands. “We’ll have to talk more about things, but right now we have to answer to our besties,” said Alison. She went to get the door and Bucky takes the casserole out and sits it on the stove. It does smell good and maybe Sam won’t hit him if he’s eating.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

            “I still want to hit you and I think you need another stay at Camp Happy,” said Sam forking up another bite of eggs and French toast and looking between her and Bucky. Bucky took the lead once they sat down to eat and Alison feels a small hint of pride in him. A few months ago this type of direct conversation might have put him off. Now he’s looking Sam right in the eyes and has made his intentions very clear.  

            “I’m not sorry that I made the move I made. I would have done it sooner if I could have worked up the nerve,” said Bucky. “I’ll see another shrink if you think it will help me, but I made the move and it shouldn’t change how people think Alison has treated me. I’m not all the way me again, but I feel normal again and she’s part of the reason,” said Bucky.

Alison is regretting her decision to have coffee this morning since she’s already a bit wired. Steve hasn’t said much and while he’s a man of few words those words carry so much weight. Bucky had told her Steve supported this, but seeing it in person might be a different story. Bucky hasn’t let go of her hand since they finished breakfast. Sam eyes their joint hands, Bucky’s metal fingers interwoven in her fingers. Steve is unreadable to her.

 She feels like a teenager again wanting Matt’s parents to like her. Winning Nick over had been easy and while she never clicked all the way with Susan they got along for the most part. _I know how much Bucky means to you and I don’t intend to screw this up or hurt him,_ thought Alison.

“Why didn’t you tell you me you had a thing for him?” asked Sam looking at her.

            “Because I thought I would get over it and I didn’t think he felt the same way. This is something I planned on not happening and well here we are,” said Alison. Sam sighs and looks over at Bucky.

            “I don’t blame you for falling her. She is my best friend so that makes her awesome by default. I’m glad she’s fallen for someone again and well I’m glad it’s someone I like too. I’m not trying to be Debbie Downer, but what happens if this doesn’t go well and someone wants to end it? Are you two going to be alright living side by side and seeing each other all the time?” asked Sam. Bucky starts to say something when Steve looks over at her.

            “Let’s go for walk,” said Steve and Alison looks stunned.

            “Um alright,” said Alison. Bucky looks over at Steve.

            “Really?” asked Bucky and Steve shrugs.

            “The apartment better be in one piece when we get back,” said Steve. Alison grabbed a coat and followed Steve outside. They walk for about ten minutes when Steve decides to speak.

            “So Louna has been turned over to the UN and they’re going to decide how to charge her,” said Steve.

            “Is she going to tell them about Bucky?” asked Alison.

            “She’s going to tell them she experimented on humans for Hydra and where some old bases are. Ones I think we missed. I’m still working out how and even when to tell the world Bucky is alive,” said Steve. He looks down at Alison and sighs. “You feel sorry for her?”

            “A bit. I was a big mess when she came into my life and she helped me figure it out. I respected her as a professional. To find out what she allowed to happen to him...it makes me sick. It’s hard to put those two together in my head. I want some sort of justice for what they did to him, but would that make it right for him?  Everyone knowing everything and well what happens for Bucky? He did pull the trigger on a lot of people. It wasn’t his fault, but others might not see it that way. I just want what’s best for him,” said Alison.

            “So you do love him?” asked Steve and it nearly stuns Alison into stopping in her tracks. “I thought when I came back I could try to go back and lead a normal life. The wife, the kids and the picket fence. I can’t. That guy went into the water and it took me awhile to realize he wasn’t coming back. I can sort of be that guy again with Bucky. I don’t know if Bucky can ever be who was, but I’ve seen him be sort of be who he used to be with you. Actually I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. You’re taking a huge risk by being with him and I don’t think you would take the risk unless you were really in love with him.” said Steve and Alison nodded.

            “I tried very hard to not fall in love with him. It wasn’t part of the plan. You think I would know by now that nothing goes according to plan,” said Alison.

            “SNAFU,” said Steve and Alison laughed.

            “Situation Normal-All fucked up. Sounds about right,” said Alison before gathering her thought. “I do want him to happy and if it ever reaches a point when he’s not happy with me I’ll understand,” said Alison.

            “And if it ever reaches a point when you’re not happy with him I’ll understand. He’s my best friend, but he can be a pain in the ass,” said Steve with a slight grin. “He’s just lucky I didn’t snag you first,” said Steve and Alison could see just a hint of sadness in his eyes. _He’s lonely. He doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone to make him happy._

            “I know it’s not going to be what I used to dream of. I wanted the kids and fence too once. He gets me though and I didn’t think anyone would ever get me again,” said Alison. _Someone is going to get you someday,_ thought Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            “You don’t think I’m good enough for her,” said Bucky once Steve and Alison left and Sam shook his head.

            “I like you and you seem gone over her. You don’t have to have my permission to date her. Alison isn’t stupid and she doesn’t take things like this lightly. If she wants to be with you than she wants to be with you. If she had told me I would have tried talking her out of it. Not because you aren’t good enough for her, but because I don’t want people getting the wrong idea about both of you,” said Sam.

            “You really think it’s going to be bad for her?” asked Bucky.

            “I hope not. Everyone sort of dates everybody since we’re in such tight quarters. You were her patient though and well technically it’s not against the law. No one’s going to toss her in jail. Ethically though people might see it differently. It could cost Alison her nursing license if someone wanted to be really shitty and complain about it. That would mean going behind Steve’s back though and telling people you aren’t dead and no one really wants to piss Captain America off,” said Sam.

            Bucky toyed with what was left of his breakfast and thought. Sam was sort of the last family she had left and Bucky needed him to know that she mattered to him

            “I don’t intend to get her in trouble with anyone. She makes me...I feel things again when I’m with her. That maybe life isn’t supposed to be so damn horrible and I can still be some sort of normal. I can breathe when I’m with her,” said Bucky.

            “She’s been a bit more like herself since you came into her life,” said Sam and Bucky looked at him. “I didn’t really see everything that happened to her after Matt died, but what I did see was closed off and she was scared of life. She didn’t want to let people in. She cared about people, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted people caring about her. She’s letting people in again. I haven’t heard her play since Matt died and when you came in she started playing again. It’s just a lot of little things. However if you hurt my girl I will find a way to take that arm off and beat you with it,” said Sam finished the last of his coffee before putting dishes in the dishwasher.

            “It might take a blowtorch to get it off,” said Bucky dryly.

“I’m a very patience man,” said Sam with a smile. “I’m serious though, you clearly mean a lot to her and if you make her happy I’m not going to be a dick about it,” said Sam. Bucky nodded and thought about what Sam said.

Bucky had known her to bend over backwards to help him or anyone else, but she always seemed worried about anyone helping her with anything. He knew she had lost a lot of people in her life and that had to take a toll on someone after a time. Maybe it was easier for Alison that way. To not let people care about her that way if something happened to her they might not be so hurt.

“I hope I keep her happy. She deserves that much,” said Bucky. _I don’t know what I ever did to deserve her, but I’m going to try to deserve her._ About ten minutes later they heard Steve and Alison come back in.

“Nothing is on fire so that’s a good sign,” said Alison.

“Well maybe,” said Steve. They came back into the kitchen and Alison eyed Sam.

“So is approval given or do I have drag your butt outside? I’ve learned some really cool moves from Natasha,” said Alison.

“Well it is 2015 and you are a grown ass woman so I guess I should respect your decisions and what not,” said Sam and he came over and hugged her.

“The next time he steals or ruins any car I own I will go Alpha male on him,” said Sam.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

“You don’t like the idea of her going up there alone,” said Steve eying Bucky in the passenger seat of the car. They were heading back to Headquarters and it was just them in the car. Sam was driving Natasha and Bruce back in his car. Alison planned to be gone about two days so she could drive up to Niagara and spread some of her grandfather’s ashes. Some of the ashes had been placed with her grandmother in a shared plot the other day. Bucky had heard someone say Alison’s father was a few plots over. _I wonder where her mother is,_ thought Bucky.

“You didn’t want anyone with you when they buried your mom,” said Bucky recalling how Steve had slipped away after the small service for Sarah.

“It was just too hard at the time,” admitted Steve. “I guess Niagara is a family thing for her. Sam told me they took some of her dad’s ashes up there when she was kid and I guess Robert did the same for her grandmother,” said Steve.

“Alison said he took her up there a lot when she was a kid. She really hasn’t shared all the details yet,” said Bucky.

“So you’ll have to ask her when she gets back. I guess you two will have a lot to talk about,” said Steve with a small grin and Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Nothing really happened last night,” said Bucky and well it wasn’t a complete lie. “We sort of talked about us being an ‘us’, but she was kind of overwhelmed with finding out someone she trusted was in charge of my mind fryings for a good twenty years and she was exhausted with all the funeral stuff. She asked if I would stay until she passed out and I ended up falling asleep too,” said Bucky.

“I didn’t say anything,” said Steve lightly.

“I know that smirk,” said Bucky and Steve nodded.

“I didn’t think you would be back last night and when you didn’t...well I assumed that...you know,” said Steve and Bucky eyed him.

“Is it sex that makes you nervous or the thought of me having sex that has your ears turning pink?” asked Bucky.

“I had the joy of living with you for a few years before you shipped off and Becca had some colorful jokes about some of the girls you brought home after we called it a night. Becca said if you broke your bed you didn’t deserve a new one and she wasn’t giving our room up for anyone,” said Steve and Bucky had to grin.

“She would be the mouthy one,” said Bucky and he looked ahead. This was Steve and he didn’t think Alison would be too upset if he told Steve some of what happened.  “Alison doesn’t want to rush things in that area. I guess she hasn’t been with anyone since her fiancé died and well...it’s a lot to think about,” said Bucky lamely.

“Well some things shouldn’t be rushed and she does really care about you. You two seem really good for each other. I’m really happy for you Bucky,” said Steve and Bucky looked over at him.

“Well since I’m sort settled do you plan on asking Maria out now?” asked Bucky and Steve actually looked at him with his mouth opened. “You two seemed really...comfortable with each other during your birthday. I mean I know why I haven’t dated in years and I know you’ve been busy the last few years, but has there been anyone for you?” asked Bucky.

“I did go on a few dates with Sharon before I realized Peggy was her aunt and we agreed it was a little too weird for words,” said Steve.

“Sam’s Sharon?” asked Bucky. He knew her last name was Carter, but he really hadn’t put two and two together.

“It wasn’t anything serious. A few dinners after SHIELD fell to talk about what happened. Like you said I’ve been busy and I just haven’t really found anyone to really related to the way you have,” said Steve.

“I really haven’t got to know Maria, but she seems nice. Can’t hurt to try you know,” said Bucky.

“Do you really want to drag me out for double dates again?” asked Steve and Bucky scoffed.

“Well at least you can’t bail on me to enlist again,” said Bucky and Steve shrugged.

“It sort of worked out in a way,” said Steve.

“In a way it did,” said Bucky and he thought about how things had really been between him and Alison last night and if he should tell Steve the whole story. Would it make things easier for him if someone else knew what had happened to him? _It’s not going to be easy between us and I need to get this off my chest._ Alison had never pressed for details of those attacks and maybe he could talk to her about this too when she got back. She wasn’t his nurse anymore and maybe it would make it easier to tell her.

“I freaked out last night,” said Bucky before he could think anymore. _It’s Steve and I’m tired of hiding things,_ thought Bucky.

“After you left?” asked Steve a bit puzzled.

“I thought it would be easy because I like her and I knew she wasn’t going to hurt me like they did. She didn’t want to rush anything and I pushed the issue and when things started going that way I freaked out. I didn’t hurt her, but she was worried about hurting me. It’s not just her not being with anyone that put a stop to things. I didn’t have a say in who I was with,” said Bucky. He could see Steve putting the pieces together and his face went white. Steve pulled over and Bucky could see he was shaking.

“You didn’t like anyone touching you...I thought it was just the experiments and beatings. It wasn’t in the records we found and…” Steve had to take his hands off the wheel before he ripped it off. The thought that they had inflicted another cruel form of torture on Bucky had Steve in almost a blind rage

“I know you aren’t mad at me and Alison promised she wouldn’t tell anyone after I told her. I was scared about telling you. I was scared to even tell her, but she sort of guessed it. It was punishment for somethings or if the handlers were bored they liked having me. It was fun for them and well I was so numb it didn’t matter at the time. It started coming back to the surface when I got out and now I’ve been dealing with it. I still have nightmares about it and I had a flashback when I got to close with Alison. I would have told you sooner, but I was ashamed to tell you,” said Bucky. Steve was still shaking and he kept his eyes down.

“I wouldn’t have thought any less of you. You’re my friend and my family. I’m sorry you felt ashamed and that they did that to you. I’m so sorry Bucky,” said Steve and he seemed so hurt that Bucky put a hand on his shoulder.

“It wasn’t your fault either. The train and everything wasn’t your fault either. If it wasn’t for you I would still be a mindless murderer for Hydra and well based on Project Insight a lot of people including my girl wouldn’t be here. You both saved my life. In different ways, but I’m here because of you. Don’t forget that alright. I want you to be happy too...well I’m sure this is happy. I haven’t felt it in seventy some years,” said Bucky and Steve looked at him with slightly red eyes.

“God she brought back that jerk I remember,” said Steve and Bucky shrugged.

“You’re still a punk,” said Bucky. Steve eased the car back on the road and looked at Bucky.

“I’m not sure how soundproof the rooms are so if and when you decided to be with Alison could you keep it down. Couldn’t look Lacey Harmon in the eye after she left the apartment that day,” said Steve.

“She was blonde?” asked Bucky as the old memory clicked.

“With legs that went on for days,” said Steve deadpan and Bucky shook his head. _At least my liking for nice legs hasn’t changed,_ thought Bucky

………….…………………………………..………………………………………………….

 

            Alison made sure no one was looking when she dumped Robert’s ashes off the side of the Maid of the Mist. It was a bit of a gray area if she could dump his ashes here. She didn’t see anything that said she couldn’t do it, but she really didn’t want to deal with being fined if it was illegal. They had taken her father’s ashes out this way when she had been a kid. Afterwards the old man took her out for a milkshake and he told how he and her grandmother had come up for their honeymoon and had taken her father here for summer vacations. _Traditions. Traditions are everything,_ said Robert and well she liked to believe that some traditions should be carried on.

            Alison watched a giddy couple kiss and she rubbed the dog tags. It felt a bit odd to her to have them again. Well at least one felt familiar to her, she would know her father’s tag anywhere. Bucky’s tag on the other hand would take some getting used to. It did put a small smile on her face to have one of his tags. Tradition stated you only gave your tags to someone who meant something to you. When she had given him her father’s tags it was a means to keep him still at first, but he looked so sad when she went to take them back it hurt a little. _Just let him keep them for a bit. He doesn’t have anything of his own,_ thought Alison. After a time though she knew her father would have approved of her letting him wear the tags. It helped Bucky to have something sort of familiar. She always gave them back to him after her visits to Robert as a show that he could keep using them.

            Alison watched as the giddy couple took selfies and her thoughts shifted to Matt. She was sure he would be happy for her if he was watching in some sort of afterlife. _About freaking time you moved on. At least he has some good taste in music._ She was pretty sure he would say that with the hint of annoyance he had for her when she was being stubborn. She was sure that would be his judgement on the situation. She loved Matt and a part of her always would, but she would want him to be happy with someone new if things were different.

The spray from the falls had people laughing and shrieking and all it does is make Alison feel homesick. The last time she had been up here was the summer before Matt died. She had somehow got a week off and it had been just her and Robert since Matt had summer concerts. For a whole week she and old man slept till noon, ate horrible food and watched old football games on cable. She quickly wiped her eyes and looked at falls. _God you are just all over the place,_ thought Alison

She hadn’t really been herself the last few days and she tried to blame it on all the funeral stuff, but even the apartment where she had grown up felt off to her. Home was Headquarters now and she misses being home. She loved her grandfather and would miss him always. He had given the best he could and had made her who she was. She had gone on to find a new sort of family the last few months and she misses them. They might all be a bit crazy, but they were her family now. She misses Natasha’s sass when they train, she wants to talk to Sharon in nothing but movie quotes. She wants to have dinner again with the rest of the medical staff. She wants to curl up next to Bucky and go to sleep. She thought coming up here alone would clear her head and give her some peace, but it’s just made her miss home even more. _You have a long drive once we get off this boat._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

It’s almost two am when Bucky hears a noise coming from Alison’s room and he frowns. He was just about ready to doze off when he hears a door open and shut on her side of the room. She told him she was going to be gone at least a day or two so no one should be in her room this late. He’s halfway across the room when there is a light tapping on his door.

“Bucky?” asked Alison in a whisper and he’s pretty sure he’s dreaming when the knock happens again along with the same whisper. He opens the door and there in the dark is a very exhausted looking Alison.

“Hi,” said Alison before she wraps her arms around him and hugs him tightly. “I wanted to come home,” said Alison. Bucky lets out a small sigh and hugs her back just as hard.

“I didn’t wake you up did I?” asked Alison when he lets her go.

“No. I couldn’t sleep. Too quiet without you next door,” teases Bucky. He takes her hand and they head into his room. It’s still sort of plain, but he’s been sleeping in his bed and the book case does have a few books on it now. Alison had gotten him all the Harry Potter books and Bruce had gotten him some books and engineering and history. Steve also got him a record player and a few records from when they were coming up. It’s little things, but really he prefers being in her room since it feels better. However she came to him so when Alison takes a seat on his bed, he sits down next to her and she puts her head on her right shoulder.

“You missed my snoring that much,” said Alison softly. She kicks off her shoes and tucks her legs under her.

“ I just missed you,” said Bucky. He moves so he’s laying on the bed and pulls her along with him. Alison sighs and settles in next to him, head on his chest and she takes his left hand in hers. “Are you alright?” asked Bucky.

“I just miss him is all,” said Alison and it go silent for a few moments until she speaks up again. “I missed home more though. How was your evening?” asked Alison pulling herself a bit closer to him and kissing him on the cheek. Bucky knows he should tell her to go to sleep. She’s been running herself ragged for days now, not to mention her six hour trip to the Falls and back to base, but they did need to talk and it seemed right to tell her now.

“I told Steve what happened last night and why I freaked out,” said Bucky. Alison looked up at him and he went on. “ I didn’t go into details and stuff, but he knows what they did to me now,” said Bucky.

“I’m glad you felt like you could tell him. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you,” said Alison.

“It wasn’t easy and I hated seeing how hurt he was, but it wasn’t his fault and I just needed it off my chest,” said Bucky and Alison nodded. He let go of her hand since he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t hurt it when he started talking. He shifted so they were laying face to face, but his eyes were closed.

“The first time it happened, I really didn’t know what he was doing until he started. I begged him stop and he wouldn’t. He laughed at me and I could feel him and I felt so damn powerless. After the first time he left me alone for a few days and then he had me again and then he let others have a go. They kept laughing while they hurt me, used me like that. It gets hazy after that. I’m sure it kept happening until I was frozen,” said Bucky and he felt Alison’s hand on his face.

“I forgot what it was like to have someone touch me that way and it didn’t hurt. I really wanted you to touch me. I thought about what it would be like to have you touch me a lot really. Then I remembered the last time someone touched me and I couldn’t stop him. I was numb at that time, but it still...some part of me hated it. The last time was in DC after I fought with Steve the first time and I sort of started remembered him. He was my handler and said he wished my friend could see me. I was on my knees, he was in me and mocking me with Steve. He wanted Steve to see what they could do me and I couldn't fight back. That was what I remembered when you touched me,” said Bucky.

He opened his eyes to see Alison had closed her eyes and was trying to not cry. He wished she wouldn’t cry over him, but he could sense it was rage coming off her, not sadness.

“I am so sorry they did that to you. I’m not a vengeful person, but I swear to god if I could get my hands on the people who hurt you they would suffer,” said Alison. She opened her eyes and looked at Bucky. God he loved her eyes too, the pure green just seemed to turn him inside out. They meet his eyes with nothing but love and understanding. She knew everything and yet she still looked at him like he was the only person in the world.

“I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do I promise you. I do love you and we can take all the time you need,” said Alison.

“I want to forget what they did to me. I know I can’t have my mind wiped again, but I can make new memories right?” asked Bucky. Alison nodded and he went on. “I don’t want to go all the way, not yet. I would like you touch me again, like you did...well yesterday morning, “said Bucky considering what time it was now it had been yesterday. Alison’s eyes go wide and she swallows hard.

“Is it ready what you want?” asked Alison and he can almost feel her heartbeat pick up.

“I really did think about you,” said Bucky pulling her closer so they’re hip to hip and chest to chest. “You’re the first person to touch me and not hurt me in so long. At first I kept waiting for you to hurt me. Everyone else did so why should it be any different now? Then I started wanting you to touch me. I think it started the night I woke everyone up on the floor by screaming. You and Steve calmed me and you made me go take a shower. When I came out you brushed my hair, dried it and you told me I could stay with you. I hugged you and you let me. I had almost forgotten what it was like to hug someone. You helped me remember,” said Bucky and he kisses her.

Alison doesn’t hesitate this time and she weaves her fingers through his hair so she can pull him closer to her. It’s slow at first, but when she pulls back slightly to lick his lips they both seem to lose a bit of control and soon it’s all tongue and teeth. He keep biting her bottom lip and she’s moaning into his mouth. He stops the kiss when he realizes her lip is bleeding and she looks confused about why he’s stopped.

“Sorry,” he mutters and Alison shakes her head.

“I haven’t been kissed like this in a really long time. I’ll be fine,” said Alison and her fingers skim the hem of his shirt. “Can I?” Her fingers are already brushing his stomach, but he knows she won’t go any further without his permission. Bucky nods and Alison pulls the shirt off him and she runs a hand from his chest to his stomach and he can’t help but shudder under her touch.

“Do you want to stay like this or do you want me to sit up?” asked Alison. They’re hip to hip and he can feel his erection pressed against her. She keeps rubbing his chest and watching him with those dark green eyes.

“I don’t care,” muttered Bucky and Alison sits up and leans against the wall.

“Come here,” said Alison and Bucky settles with his back to her and Alison pulls him close and she starts skimming her fingers over his chest and he can’t help but moan when she starts rubbing his nipples and kissing his neck. Alison talks softly while her hands trace his upper body. She tells him how good he feels and that this is how it would be for him with her. That she would make it feel good for him. That she would try to give him what he wanted when he was ready. _I want her hands all over me,_ thought Bucky. Alison wouldn’t go past his waist and his erection was starting to become painful. _Tell her...tell her what you want,_ pleaded his thoughts.  Bucky grabs one of Alison’s hands and presses it to his groin.

“Please. Please. Please,” mutters Bucky with his eyes closed and he arches into her hand to drive home what he wants.

“Look at me,” said Alison and when he does she slides his sweats and boxers down. Her eyes are so dark and he can tell she wants this as much as he does. Bucky kicks them off and Alison kisses him again quickly “Stay here with me,” said Alison and her fingers work over his hips. One hand settles on his hip and her other hand settles on his member and she gives him a light squeeze. Bucky bites back a moan and his body moves without thought .

        Alison grips his member a little harder before starting to stroke him slowly and Bucky is biting his lip so he doesn’t moan to loud and give them away. His body is trying to thrust into her hand and she encourages it by using his pre cum to slick him up, tightening her grip and picking up her speed.

“I want this,” hisses Bucky and Alison kisses him so he can moan into her mouth as she works him. Bucky can feel that nudge in the pit of stomach and he breaks the kiss to look at Alison. _Is it..it’s supposed to be this way,_ wonders Bucky.

“Alison?” he asks and she kisses his forehead.

“I know...just stay with me. I like how this feels and you feel so damn good,” said Alison and the strokes become faster and she’s kissing him again. The climax hits Bucky hard and he almost screams into her mouth as she strokes him through his orgasm. They’re both shaking and her eyes meet his slowly.

“I...I need to clean up. Do you want a towel?” asked Alison. Bucky lets out a nervous laugh.

“I wouldn’t mind one,” said Bucky and Alison lets out her own nervous laugh before heading to his bathroom. He hears her wash her hands and she comes back to him with a small damp rag and a dry hand towel. “Thanks.” He cleans up, pulls his sweats back on and notices that Alison is hovering by his bed and seems a little dazed.

“Are you alright?” asked Bucky.

“It was just really intense is all. I liked touching you and I liked that you trusted me to touch you,” said Alison and he kisses her forehead.

“I liked it too and if you didn’t look so tired I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you. You haven’t been sleeping,” said Bucky and Alison nodded.

“Honestly the first really good sleep I’ve had since I got that phone call was when we passed out on the sofa,” said Alison. Bucky pulls her into bed and she settles into the crook of his right arm and his left hand rubs her back. “I missed being held when I slept,” muttered Alison and it’s barely three minutes before she’s asleep. _I like holding you while you sleep,_ thought Bucky as sleep settled on him. It was dreamless for both of them.


	24. A strange time in my life

Steve watched as Bucky paced across the floor and decided to wait a moment to see if Bucky was going to do anything other than pace.

            “This is a bad idea. Alison isn’t a soldier and I don’t...can’t anyone else come with us?” asked Bucky pausing in his pacing to look at Steve. Steve had to take a deep breath before speaking. This was a mission and you put the best team you had together to finish it. It was hard though since this was his best friend who was asking for a change in the plan.

“If I thought anyone else was ready to go in with us I would have picked them. Other than David and Alison no one has really been trained. The rest of the medical staff just started working on defense training. David used to be a SHIELD field medic and Alison has been working with Natasha for a few months now. If I didn’t think she was up for the task I wouldn’t be asking her. Plus she knows your triggers and how to get you sort of back in case something happens. Bucky, I wouldn’t have asked her to come if I didn’t think she could handle herself,” said Steve.

Bucky sat down in a chair and dug his metal fingers into his leg to ground himself. They had a list of Hydra bases that Loi had given them. Steve crossed a few off since they had been taken care of when they had been looking for Loki’s Scepter. The one they were planning to hit in three days was just outside of Anchorage Alaska. Steve had picked the team and Bucky was surprised when Steve had asked him to come. However his surprise turned to all out panic when Steve told him Alison was on the team.

“Have you told her yet?” asked Bucky.

“I was going to do once she finished her class for the day,” said Steve.  “It was a tough call, but we might need her and David just in case. Plus if there are files there she’ll know what to look for so we can get in and out quickly. I didn’t make this call lightly. I know what you have with her is still new and how much it matters to you,” said Steve.

It had been about two weeks since he and Alison had made things somewhat official. A lot people still didn’t know and those who did know seemed to understand what was going on between them. Well they guessed what was going on at any rate.

“It matters a lot,” said Bucky softly and Steve sighed internally. It would be easy to tell him that he would take Alison off the team and not to worry. But what if he wanted her for another mission down the line? Natasha felt Alison would be able to handle herself if she really needed to and David felt Alison would be good under pressure if they needed a medic. The other med staff wasn’t ready yet. Other than David none of them had really served in combat zone and they were still very green with Natasha. _If she’s good enough for Natasha than she’s good enough for this,_ thought Steve.

“I picked you both to go with me, Natasha, Barton and David because it’s a good team for what needs to be done. I just want to get in and get out. We’ll do a quick scouting mission to make sure no one is home and then we’ll go in and see what if anything is still there. Loi’s intel is over twenty years old, but there might be something there. I picked you since you might remember things about the base. Plus I thought you might be a little bored since Alison and Bruce are tied up all day. You were one of the best strategists I’ve ever known. I’m hoping he’s still in there,” said Steve and Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Is it that obvious?” asked Bucky.

He was bored and he felt useless when everyone around him was doing something. If Alison wasn’t in class or doing homework, she was working with Wanda or training with Natasha. They had a few hours in the evening and weekends when they could be together. She started teaching him guitar again or they watched movies together. Things had gotten physical a few times, but nothing serious. He had talked a rather good game about wanting to touch her, but he froze when he got the chance. Bucky trusted her with his person; he didn’t trust himself with hers. He could hurt her by accident if he lost control and he wasn’t sure if he could handle it if he hurt her. Alison didn’t push him and they ended up sleeping in her room at night. He had only two nightmares the past two weeks and Alison had been right there to talk him through them. He hadn’t screamed himself awake which was a plus since it would mean people seeing them in the same bed and assuming everything.

“A bit,” said Steve with a small grin. “Actually I was wondering...if you felt up to it. Maybe you could help me run the cadets through some training,” said Steve and Bucky’s eyes got wide.

“What kind of training?” asked Bucky.

“Some weapons. Maybe some hand to hand stuff if you feel up to it. I know you haven’t touched a gun since you’ve been here, but I think you still might be a good shot,” said Steve.

“I actually have a gun stashed in room,” said Bucky and now Steve’s eyes got wide.

“How they hell did you do that? Nothing is missing from the Armory,” said Steve

“My pack had a hidden pocket and no one checked. I should have told you sooner, but I just needed it close by. Old habits,” said Bucky. Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. It was his own fault for not thinking to search Bucky’s pack that had been on him when he came in. Other things had taken priority at the time.

“Please tell me you don’t have any other weapons in there?” asked Steve.

“I might have knife or three,” said Bucky and fought the urge to grin at Steve’s shock.

“I need to see this pack and I would like to work with you again. We were a good team,” said Steve. Bucky thought back to how it had been for them even before the war. If Steve got sick, Bucky would try to fill in for him at work. If Bucky couldn’t walk Becca home, it was Steve who made sure she got home alright. They had always been a team in some way and it would be nice to have that again. _Maybe the worst is over for you now and you can really start over,_ thought Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

            The first class of the Avenger’s School of Medicine....well at least that’s what they called it had fourteen students. Eight in advanced nursing and six for MD’s. School started with a two hour PE class with Coach Romanoff. Some of it was stuff Alison had already learned earlier from Natasha, but it was nice to have the refresher. Jenny and Alison always seemed to be partners in training and Jenny had sworn more than once she was going to report Natasha to the INS just because. Jenny could swear up and down she hated PE, but she did smirk a little to see a few of the guys get tossed around by the Black Widow.

            There was a group nursing class for a few hours and then broke off into private studies. Tony, Pepper, Bruce, David and Cho had set up online classes for each of them in the field they planned to specialize in. Alison was the only Psychiatric nurse in the program.. They had a few Surgical nurses, they had two Flight nurses, a Radiology nurse and one for Rehabilitation. All around they were a mix bag field wise. Some of them had been in a training program with SHIELD before it collapsed. Jenny had told Alison that she and Shawn along with two of the guys in the MD program had been at SHIELD Academy during the Hydra assault. Most the people in the program were under twenty five and just starting out. In fact Alison and Adair were the two oldest in the program. Adair had bounced all over the place working in any hospital or clinic that was hiring, but earned her place here by helping Natasha and Clint out of a jam way back in the day. Something about a backpacking trip in Budapest was all Adair would say.

            David had called Alison into his office after the group class had ended and Alison fought back panic. Other than Steve and Sam...well she was sure Bruce and Natasha knew by now, she and Bucky had kept things to themselves. _He knows and now I’m going to hear it,_ thought Alison. She sat down in David’s office and he grinned.

            “So I have some good news,” said David and Alison felt a knot undo in her stomach. “I talked to Cho and she agreed the time you’ve spent working with Barnes and Wanda should count towards your clinical hours and well hell you’ve spent months with Barnes so I wouldn’t be surprised if you have at least a few hundred banked. You only need two thousand hours right?” teased David and Alison laughed.

            “Well if I could get Tony and Pepper in my office I think I could meet my quota...well I think just Tony alone would do it,” said Alison with a grin.

            “We’re also going to count the time you spend with them now. So if you want to start logging those hours too we’ll count them,” said David and Alison felt that little knot come back. She saw Wanda once or twice a week, but she really didn’t think she could log her hours with Bucky anymore. _I’m going to have to talk to Steve,_ thought Alison.

            “So how are you doing? It’s been sort of nuts lately and you’ve been playing catch up with what you missed when you were out,” said David and Alison shrugged. She had missed the first two weeks of classes trying to deal with her grandfather’s passing and estate.

            “Honestly I’m really happy to be back in a program. Didn’t think I would get another bite at apple. Even if I moved out of state my record wasn’t the best,” said Alison and David shook his head.

            “Well their loss is our gain. So you have any plans this weekend?” asked David. The med students had their days off moved to Saturday and Sunday until classes went on break.

            “Finishing up my homework and maybe dealing with some of the old man’s things,” said Alison. It was only a bit a lie. She was hoping to spend some time with Bucky once her homework was finished.

            “If you are in the city Saturday night and looking for something to do I have an extra ticket to see Maria Bamford. Just text me and we’ll meet up,” said David and Alison nodded.

            “I’ll think about it,” said Alison and she left his office. _Was that a date offer?_ thought Alison and she shook her head. He was just being nice and trying to get her out. She hadn’t really been out since Robert’s passing. It wasn’t too much of a loss in her book since she got to spend her weekends with Bucky. She grinned a little bit and headed back to her room. She was actually caught up with most of her assignments. She didn’t have a session with Wanda or with Natasha. Maybe they could just spend a whole evening together. Granted they had spent evenings together in the past, but it was a bit different now.

            She went into her room to dump her books when she heard Steve and Bucky in his room.

            “I can’t believe you kept this,” said Steve.

            “Well I didn’t know if I would need them,” said Bucky. Alison went over to the doorway and poked her head in.

            “What did he keep?” asked Alison. Bucky motioned for her to come in and she spotted his pack from when they first brought him in tossed on the bed. A gun, three knives, a tattered guide book from the Captain America exhibit, some dirty clothes and a blanket were on the bed. Alison eyed the weapons and looked at Bucky.

“Old habits?” she asked and he nodded.

“I might be ready to let them go now,” said Bucky and Steve ejected the clip and made sure the gun was empty. He also picked up the knives carefully.

“I’ll make sure these all get put away properly,” said Steve before turning to Alison. “Can you come with me to my office please,” said Steve and Bucky rolled his eyes.

“You can tell her here. I won’t freak out this time,” said Bucky and Alison looked at both of them.

            “Tell me what?” asked Alison.

            “Loi gave us information about old Hydra locations. There is one in Alaska I want to check out. It’s a small mission and I want you to come with us,” said Steve and Alison was floored. She knew they might be the possibility of going out with a team, but she didn’t think it would be with Steve and her first assignment to boot. _Captain America wants you for a mission. If the old man is watching he would be stunned,_ thought Alison. Hell she was stunned right now.

            “Who is us?” asked Alison

            “Myself, Bucky, Natasha and Clint Barton. You and David will be our medics. They might have left some files behind on experiments and you’ll know what to look for. We’re going to have a meeting tomorrow morning at 0800 to go over the finer points of the mission and we’ll be leaving tomorrow night to pick up Baton before heading to Alaska. It should be a simple in and out job,” said Steve and Alison nodded, not really trusting herself to speak.

            “Natasha said you handle staves alright so I’ll have you stick with that on this mission. We’ll run you through some other stuff tomorrow before we leave. Do you have any questions now?” asked Steve.

            “Not really,” said Alison and she looked over at Bucky who seemed very interested in some dirt under his fingernails.

            “If you think of anything between now and tomorrow morning don’t hesitate to ask” said Steve and he headed out. Alison looked over at Bucky who was stuffing things back into the bag.

            “Are you going to be alright with me going?” asked Alison. His posture went very straight and he paused before tossing the bag under the bed.

            “Captain said you’re coming with us so you’re coming with us. I’ll deal,” said Bucky and he went to leave and Alison caught is his arm.

            “If you’re worried about me than you won’t be able to focus and that can’t be good for anyone,” said Alison. Bucky sighed and looked at her.

            “In addition to looking for files and playing medic, you’re coming in case I start to freak out. I sort of remember a base in Alaska. It was a layover base before missions...when they had me in Russia,” said Bucky and Alison nodded.

            “Do you want to go?” asked Alison. She didn’t doubt his willingness to take part, but was he really ready to get back in the game.

            “I need to do something,” said Bucky and he started pacing. “You know I did a lot of bad things and I want to make something right...I can’t do that if I’m stuck here all the time. Things are still coming back to me from when I was...that guy. There are still weapons out there and maybe I can stop them. Maybe this is how I make things right again. I’ve wanted to for a while now and I’m still not sure how. It’s a place to start though,” said Bucky. He stopped pacing and he looked at her. He had a determined look in his eyes and she couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of pride in him.

            “See when you talk like that Sergeant I can’t help but be in love with you,” said Alison. He turned and grinned at her. She only called him Sergeant when they were alone and she was trying to tease him.

“I knew sooner or later you were going to go on missions. They didn’t bring you in just to help me. I’m going to worry about you if I’m with you or if I’m waiting here for you. At least if I’m with you I can keep an eye on you,” said Bucky. He came over and hugged her tightly. Alison hugged him back and wove her fingers in his hair.

“It’s going to be fine,” said Alison. She felt his lips on her forehead and he sighed.

“So you aren’t bad with staves huh,” said Bucky and Alison grinned.

“Natasha is a really good teacher. I can smack people really good,” said Alison.

“Maybe I’ll get to see it,” said Bucky. _God I hope not,_ thought Bucky.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Bucky watched Alison during the briefing and she was taking notes rapidly. He couldn’t read her shorthand. _Carter taking notes and giving them to an assistant to type up and file for later._ It was pretty straight forward mission. Get in, trash the place so it couldn’t be used again, collect any useful information and get out.

            “Bucky and I will take lead. Alison and David will be in the middle and Barton and Natasha will bring up the rear. According to Loi the base was at least ten feet underground and was redone after the earthquake in 64 so taking it down is going to be a pain. Tony is bring in some new explosive devices along with some new tactical gear. He’ll be here at 1200 to do his briefing,” said Steve.

            “It’s more of a bragging-hey look what I can do session than a briefing,” mocked whispered Natasha to Alison and she smiled a little. Despite her brave face Bucky knew Alison was nervous and she had slept poorly last night. She had dozed off around midnight, but when he woke up a few hours later he found her swimming laps. Steve gave Alison and Natasha a look, but it was a teasing look.

            “We’ll be leaving after Tony’s briefing. We’ll be staying at Barton farm tonight before heading to Alaska. We’ll stake out the location and go from there. Questions?” asked Steve.

            “Should I just cancel my Saturday night?” asked David and Alison snickered while Natasha rolled her eyes.

            “You honestly still make plans?” asked Natasha.

            “Just put them on hold for now,” said Steve. “I think that’s everything for now,” said Steve. He dismissed them and headed out. Alison tucked her notebook in her bag and David sighed.

            “Well I guess it’s silly to ask you to change your mind about coming with me now?” asked David and Alison shrugged.

            “I think Sharon and Sam wouldn’t say no to a free show,” said Alison. Bucky had to remind himself to hold his tongue. David didn’t know yet and it seemed Alison had already told him no. _She didn’t tell me he asked her out,_ thought Bucky.

            “I’m going to head to class for bit and I’ll see you at the briefing,” said Alison. She and David headed upstairs and Natasha eyed Bucky.

            “You want to pull that green eyed monster in?” asked Natasha.

            “What?” asked Bucky and Natasha barely fought the urge to roll her eyes.

            “David doesn’t like her that way. He flirts with everybody and he only asked her to come out to cheer her up. She did just lose her last blood related family member two weeks ago. If she didn’t say anything about it, it was because it didn’t seem important to her. You on the other hand are very important to her and it’s why she’s keeping it quiet. Do you really want to deal with all those pesky questions right now?” asked Natasha.

“Not really,” admitted Bucky.

“She did pick you. You might want to keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to go Alpha male,” said Natasha.

“I don’t...I’ve never really been the jealous type before,” said Bucky shoving his hands into his pockets and Natasha’s face softened. She understood what it had been like for him. To have nothing and to have no one care for you. To not be allowed to care for anyone. It was weakness and it interfered with missions.

“No one is going to take her away from you...not like that,” said Natasha. They had seen too much death for her to say Alison couldn’t be hurt during a mission or just walking down the street alone. He knew what she meant though. That he shouldn’t worry though about losing Alison to someone else. At the end of the day she cared about him and she had chosen him.

“I know it’s going to take some time to get used to,” said Natasha.

“Do you ever really get used to it?” asked Bucky and she grinned.

“Yeah. It’s nice,” said Natasha. Bucky nodded. It was nice to be able to care about someone again in that way. _I missed it,_ thought Bucky.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

            “So when is Barnes going to rip my face off?” asked David and Alison looked up at him.

            “What?” asked Alison confused.

            “He gets this little look in his eyes when I talk to you. I’m waiting for him to club me and drag you away by your hair. You into hair pulling?” asked David teasing.

            “Can we talk in your office real quick?” asked Alison and David nodded. They went into his office and they sat down.

            “We’re dating,” Alison blurted out.

            “What?” asked David with a laugh. Alison just looked at him and David just looked at her. “Oh. You aren’t joking. Oh...so when did this start?” asked David.

            “About two weeks ago,” said Alison and David just looked up at the ceiling.

            “I lost the pool,” said David and now Alison was stunned.

            “What pool?” asked Alison.

            “I thought you two had been dating since July. He was seriously undressing you with his eyes that day,” teased David. Alison was trying to wrap her head around what was going on and David just started laughing.

“I’m not gonna lie, the MD students are going to be shitty about it. Even though my experience with doctors they tend to sleep with anything that moves. But holy hell a nurse steps a little out of line and they lose their minds. Well Brice might be a little pissy and some of the other nurses might give you some side eye, but you aren’t treating him anymore?” asked David.

            “No. Steve is thinking about getting him a new doctor. He’s just been busy with the Hydra stuff,” said Alison. David nodded and Alison felt a sort of weight lift off her chest.

            “So if Steve is cool and you’re not currently treating him. You aren’t rubbing it in people’s faces and well when he’s not looking like he wants to rip my face off he seems a lot happier,” said David.

            “I’m pretty happy too,” said Alison with a small grin.

            “So would you guys like the tickets to the comedy show?” asked David. Alison grinned.

            “Well I sort of have an idea for a date when we get back,” said Alison.

            “You gonna share?” asked David.

            “It’s a surprise. I try not kiss and tell normally,” said Alison. _I can’t wait to see his face when I take him out,_ thought Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

Tony had fitted Alison and David with bulletproof vests along with bullet proof  jumpsuits with pockets and pouches for them to carry medical gear in. They were also fitted with small backpacks to help them carry larger first aid kits. Alison’s pack was a little bigger for her to slip any paper files in. Tony gave her a jump drive that would get past any Hydra firewalls. David was given a taser gun and Alison’s salves had an electrical charge added that she could turn on and off.

Bucky was fitted with new gear and was impressed with it. The vest was sleeveless and was bulletproof without being too heavy. It allowed him to carry more weapons with ease too. The shirt underneath only had a right sleeve so his left arm had freedom to move. The shirt was also bullet proof and lightweight. The pants were also a better fit compared to his former Hydra gear and better pockets for carrying gear. The guns were about the same in Bucky’s eyes. He did listen to Tony’s talk about the different types of bullets he had. Sleep bullets to knock someone got, gas pellets to provide cover and old fashion bullets to take someone out.

They were also given two drones to scout the location out before they went in. The drones had sonar, heat sensors and x-ray to help them view what was underground. The explosives were small, but Tony assured them they were sonic and explosive to break the base apart from the inside.

“So that wraps things up kids. I expect things back in one piece and notes if you want anything improved on,” said Tony.

“Not a problem,” said David. “I’m change back into my street clothes. See you on the jet,” said David and he left the room.

“Um...I didn’t get a chance to send you a thank you card yet. Your donation was really generous,” said Alison taking her backpack off.

“Well the arts are really important to Pepper and I was sorry to hear about your old,” said Tony.

“Thank you,” said Alison. She left the room and Tony grinned.

“I do have a surprise for her when she get back,” said Tony and Steve shook his head.

“Please don’t,” said Steve.

“It’s a good thing. It will cheer her up. I had one for a bit after my dad died and well it perked me right up. I really should get a new one. They are great around the house and it would get me out of the lab more,” said Tony.

“I’m not sure how Alison is going to feel about a prostitute,” said Natasha and Tony looked hurt.

“I don’t know what she’s into so why would I get her a prostitute?” asked Tony.

“You got Rhodey one for his thirty birthday,” said Steve and Tony rolled his eyes.

“She was a dancer of the exotic nature and whatever she offered Rhodey was on her own time and his dime. It’s a surprise and you three better not spoil it. I do want video when she opens it,” said Tony picking up his stuff. “I would wish you luck, but you have skill so luck won’t be needed,” said Tony he gave a little mock salute before heading out. Bucky felt something twist in his chest. _You killed his parents. Who would he be if they had lived?_ thought Bucky. Alison and David had changed back to their street clothes, but Bucky wanted to break in this uniform a little bit more. They packed up the gear and headed to the hanger. Sam was waiting and he eyed Alison.

“So should I start calling you Butterfly now?” he teased and she rolled her eyes.

“I think it’s Medic Girl...or Nurse Lady. Not sure which yet,” said Alison and Sam hugged her.

“You are not to tell Sarah or Renee I let you go on this field trip. I won’t hear the end of it,” said Sam.

“She’s going to be fine,” said Natasha. “Stop being such a pissy baby because she’s going on you’re not,” Natasha winked as Sam looked annoyed.

“I’ll be fine,” said Alison and she boarded the jet with Natasha and David. Steve looked at Sam and Sam nodded.

“I knew this day was going to happen when she was going to fly the coop. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to sit here and mother hen about her,” said Sam.

“Do you mother hen about me?” asked Steve and Sam shrugged.

“You’re too stupid to worry about,” said Sam and they both laughed.

“I knew that seventy years ago. Nice to know it hasn’t changed,” said Bucky getting on the jet. Alison was sitting by a window and David was sitting by Natasha watching her get the jet ready for takeoff. Alison eyed the seat next to her and Bucky sat down.

“I told David...he’s cool,” said Alison. Bucky gave her hand a small squeeze and Steve boarded the jet. David sat up front with Natasha and Steve so it was unnoticed that he held her hand the entire flight.

“So I heard this Barton guy almost overtook your marksmenship record,” teased Alison and Bucky shrugged.

“Just my SHIELD record. Not sure if I want to own up to my other record,” said Bucky. She squeezed his hand as Steve told them they were about to land. It looked to be in the middle of nowhere. There was a large farm house in the distant and a barn. Steve landed a little bit from the farm and Bucky went and changed into street clothes.

They started walking to the farm when a man with two kids started coming towards them.

“Auntie Nat!” cried the little girl and she launched herself at Natasha. Natasha hugged her and smiled brightly.

“So you like being a big sister?” asked Natasha and the girl made a face,

“I hate diapers,” she said and Steve shook his head and looked at Bucky. _I wonder if they still wash them,_ thought Bucky. The other child, a boy came up and hugged Natasha too. The man, tall with brown hair came up and shook Steve’s hand.

“Miss me?” he asked.

“Well I figured after six months you might want a break,” teased Steve and the man laughed and he looked at David.

“God they dragged your sorry ass out here.” he said and David laughed.

“I needed something to do and this seemed like a good choice. My granddaddy would kill me if I didn’t agree to help Steve Rogers,” said David, The man turned his attention to Bucky and he straighten up and his expression got serious.

“It’s an honor to meet you sir. Clint Barton,” he said and held out his hand for Bucky to shake. Bucky shook it and he could see in Clint’s eyes this odd sort of respect for him. Clint turned his attention to Alison and shook his head.

“I am sorry you got pulled into this bunch. Natasha said you were nice,” said Clint and Alison sighed.

“Well it seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Alison.

“Come on. We’re having lasagna,” said Clint and they started up to the farm house. The kids pulled at Natasha and Alison sort of smirked watching her.

“This could be fun,” said Alison and she took his hand.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

 _Would it have been like this if we had come back?_ thought Bucky as he watched the Barton family. Bucky looked at Steve and could see that he was sort of at ease, but still standing a bit off to the side just watching the way Bucky watched them. Clint and Steve had just gone outside to bring in some more firewood and Bucky decided to stay where he was.  It was nice here, it reminded him a bit of the farmhouse in France. _The kids playing around. It smelled like soup and  clean sheets,_ thought Bucky,

David chatted with Laura about her cooking and promised to send her a recipe he had for a brown cow cheesecake if she sent him the recipe for the bread they had with dinner. _Just like his grandfather, a weakness for a woman who can cook,_ thought Bucky.

It was sort of bittersweet to watch Alison and Natasha with the kids. He knew about the Red Room graduation and what it meant for Natasha. She couldn’t have children. He wondered if she had ever wanted them now that she could want things. The older kids climbed all Natasha and she rough housed with them and it was sort of odd to hear her laugh this way. It seemed very light and weightless. _She loves them like they were hers. They mean the world to her,_ thought Bucky.

Alison was in the kitchen with David, Laura and the baby Nathaniel. He started to fuss and since Laura was elbow deep in dishes, she refused all offers of help to clean up after dinner, it was Alison who picked him up out of his chair and started trying to calm him down.

“What’s a matter sweetie? No one paying attention to you?” asked Alison. She held Nathaniel so his head could be on her shoulder and he quickly grabbed a fist full of hair and start to tug. “Oh...you’re the hair pulling type huh? Yeah.” Alison pulled her hair back and the kid let out an ear piercing scream.

“It’s hard isn’t it?”  asked Alison in a high pitched voice. She started rubbing the baby’s back and started walking back and forth with him. Nathaniel let out a huge sigh and grabbed a fist full of Alison’s shirt while kicking his legs.

“Did you do any babysitting between band gigs?” asked David and Alison shrugged.

“There was a few when Renee needed a hand. At my old hospital job if anyone was having a bad shift they would sneak up to the maternity ward and just look at the babies,” said Alison with a small laugh.

Bucky watched her and remembered how his mother would rub Becca’s back when she was upset and would walk around the apartment singing or talking softly to her. _She can’t have them with you,_ thought Bucky and it was sort of dull punch in the gut. He had wanted a family once and he had every intention of settling down when he came home after the war. Now he couldn’t and well shouldn’t have children anyway. How would he explain what he had been before? Alison on the other hand...had she planned to have them before with _him._ _His picture is still on her nightstand. If he was still alive she wouldn’t be here,_ whispered some voice in his head.  Bucky got up and went outside for some air. He saw Steve and Clint coming up to the house so he headed to the barn for some quiet.  

Some part of him knew he was being irrational and yet he was just angry. They took so much from him and trying to get some it back was hard enough. Seeing what he could of had or been was still overwhelming at times He sat down and started trying to work through some of breath exercises Bruce had taught him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Alison and Bucky looked up at her.

            “I thought I wasn’t your patient anymore,” said Bucky and Alison sat down on the dusty floor.

            “No. You’re my boyfriend and if something is bothering you I’m going to ask,” said Alison and Bucky shrugged.

            “So I don’t get out of talking to you about how messed up I am?” asked Bucky and Alison shrugged.

            “Well you can, but it’s just going to drive me nuts trying to figure out what I need to do to understand you on this level,” said Alison and Bucky just looked at the floor for a moment before looking up at Alison.

            “Did you ever talk about kids with...him?” asked Bucky and Alison felt her heart hurt a little for Bucky. She owed it to him to be honest though, this wasn’t going to work if she wasn’t honest with him.

            “We talked about it a few times. We had a scare my junior year, but it turned out to be nothing. We agreed than we weren’t ready for kids’ right then. We talked about it a little more when we were going to get to married. We were talking about it right before he died,” said Alison and she pulled her knees up to her chest. “It was good we didn’t have any kids together. I was such a mess and taking care of myself was hard enough and I didn’t do a very good job of it. I could have really screwed up and hurt a kid in the state I was in,” admitted Alison.

            “You know I can’t have them and I used to like kids. Part of me still does and yet I know I shouldn’t have them. I could screw up too and hurt it if I got mad or slipped back. It just...I could of had this once,” said Bucky and Alison moved over to sit next to him.

            “Do you still think about having them?” asked Bucky as Alison took his right hand and leaned against him.

            “No not really. I was sort of on the fence about it even when we planned to have them. I was worried about getting sick like my mom or them getting sick like she did. After my little stay at Camp Happy it sort of put me in the mindset of maybe not having them. I saw what it was like when my dad was untreated and well I saw myself. I wouldn’t want to slip again and leave a kid behind. I was so mad at him for so long for leaving behind...than I just started blaming myself. I was a shitty daughter to him,” said Alison and Bucky looked down at her.

            “You were a kid,” said Bucky and Alison shook her head.

            “When he came back after mom died he just didn’t seem to care and I just got so mad at him. I missed him so much and when he came back he wouldn’t get out of bed some days or he just wasn’t there. Gramps had no patience either and he would just yell at him about how he needed to get it together. The day before he left he was supposed to pick me up from school because Gramps had to work late. I waited for over an hour and he never showed up. I was about to walk myself home when another teacher saw me and brought me back in. He called and Gramps picked me up. We got home and dad was still sleeping. I don’t think I ever saw him that mad. They fought and he kept asking my dad ‘What are you going to do when I’m not here to take care of her?’ And he didn’t have an answer,” said Alison and her grip on his hand got tighter. Bucky looked down at her and she seemed to have that faraway look in her eyes has she went on.

            “So the next day Robert left early for a band competition and dad was supposed to get up and take me to school. We overslept and I had to wake him up. I just started freaking out. I thought I was going to get in trouble and he just kept looking at me while I was trying to get myself ready. I spilled something on my shirt and I started crying because I was going to have change and we were already so late and I was so worried about getting in trouble. He told me to calm down and that it was alright and I just...I told him I hated him. I said I hated him and I stomped off to change my shirt. He walked me to school and I didn’t say anything to him. I was so mad at him for not doing what he was supposed to. He hugged me and told me he loved me. I think I hugged him back, but I didn’t tell him I loved him. Than he was gone,” said Alison and she quickly wiped her eyes. “So yeah...I don’t want put a kid through that.”

            Bucky pulls her in close and rests his head on top of hers. She sniffles and keeps wiping her eyes.

            “I never told anyone that before. Not even Matt. I loved him, but he wouldn’t have understood. I can never undo that. I can never make it right. I know it probably sound small compared to what you want to fix, but…” Bucky bends down and kisses her hard. _God is that what it’s like in your head? All that guilt for something that wasn’t even really your fault,_ thought Bucky. How long had she felt that way? He knew she blamed herself for her mother, but this seemed like a whole different level of guilt in her head. He was still trying to put together all the horrible things he had done over the last several decades and the knowing sometimes makes him want to choke. It was a wonder she hadn’t driven herself crazy sooner if she been blaming herself for her parents since she was a kid.

            “You weren’t a bad kid, you were just a kid. Hell I’m pretty sure I told my mom I hated her once. I told my dad I hated him more than once and I actually meant it and might have earned a good slap for it too. I’ve seen you with people though. They trust you and they know you really care about them. You see good in them, even when there isn’t a lot of it,” said Bucky and he’s rewarded with a slightly annoyed look from her.

            “You have a lot of good in you and people are going to see it and,” Bucky lets his forehead rest on hers and Alison got quiet.

            “See there you go. I’m trying to talk sense into you up and you turn it around. Ally...I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to remind you that you saved my life. I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to remind you that you looked at me when no one else did. I don’t know how else to tell you I love you. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. I didn’t know I could feel this way,” said Bucky. He kisses her forehead and breathes in her scent. _Lavender and clean laundry. She always smells like lavender and clean laundry._ She lets out a deep sigh before he goes on.

“I think we might have been really good with kids if things had been different. I just don’t you want to feel cheated if we stay together. You can still have them if you want. I’m sort of ruined there,” said Bucky and Alison shakes her head.

            “I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to tell you that you aren’t ruined. We’re different is all and you’re not cheating me out of anything,” said Alison.

            “You know sometimes I think Sam is right and you might be a little crazy for being with me. It might be selfish for me to like that you’re a little crazy,” said Bucky and Alison grins.

            “You met me at a very strange time in my life,” said Alison.

            “I think mine is a little stranger,” said Bucky. Alison goes to say something and just shrugs.

            “We should get back. We have a big day ahead,” said Alison. Bucky helps her off the floor and they head back inside. Laura shows them to their room and Bucky wonders if she’s been told how it is between them or if she guessed. It really doesn’t matter right now. Tomorrow they have a mission to finish and once it’s done Bucky is going to see about taking his girl out for a proper date. _We can at least try for that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always felt the AOU conversation between Bruce and Natasha could have two different meanings depending on how you listened to it. I know a lot people felt that Natasha was calling herself a monster because she couldn’t have children. During my first watch in a very noisy and crowded theater I took it she was calling herself a monster because she also had killed people. However I can see where people thought she was calling herself a monster because she and Bruce couldn’t have children. I know lots of people who can’t/opt out of baby having and they seem pretty cool. If you take it from the kid angle it does seem odd and out of place conversation for Bruce and Natasha to have. 
> 
> I wanted Bucky and Alison to have the kid talk-even though it’s sort of a new relationship-well dating wise not talking wise. So I hope it wasn’t as weird as the AOU conversation. 
> 
> Alison was quoting Fight Club at Bucky-They did meet each other at very strange times in their lives. 
> 
> Alaska did have a bad quake back in 64 on Good Friday


	25. Flesh Wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated M-Consensual touching and some violence

Did you ever hear about the Sugar Bears?” asked David and Bucky eyed him as Alison took out her headphones to hear David better.

            “Sugar Bears?” asked Alison.  

            “Yeah. There is unit in the Army that drops off supplies off to remote Alaskan villages. People starting calling them the ‘Sugar Bears’ back in the 60’s since they dropped off sugary cereals,” said David.

“That was one of the things I missed about you David. You always had a ton of random fun facts,” said Clint getting his gear in order before they landed. David grinned and Alison rolled her eyes.

“Do you have any more fun bear facts?” asked Alison.

“Well the Bucky Bear went into production in 1955 along with a Captain America Eagle plushie to mark the ten year anniversary of the war ending,” said David and Alison had to bite the inside of her cheek to stop herself from laughing. Bucky looked annoyed and he gave Alison a side glance.

“I think finding out there was a stuffed toy named after me was the craziest thing. And really red tights,” said Bucky and Alison couldn’t help but grin.

“It is a cute bear even with the tights,” said Alison.

“At least no one made you wear them,” said Steve. The jet lurched a bit as they landed and Alison had to take a deep breath before getting up. They would be doing a stake out first before trying to find a way inside. Everyone started gathering their gear and getting off when Bucky took her arm.

“You alright?” Asked Bucky and Alison nodded.

“A little nervous, but I’ll manage,” said Alison.

“If you weren’t nervous than I would worry,” said Bucky and he gave her arm a light squeeze before letting go. They were just outside of Anchorage and of course Hydra built a base underground and in the woods.

“I would be more worried about the moose,” said David as they waited for Natasha to get the drone up.

“I heard they’re delicious,” said Clint and Alison wondered if this was their way of trying to ease the tension they felt. She felt like throwing up all morning and had hardly touched her breakfast even though everyone else around have had packed at least two helpings of omelets.

“I’m pretty sure it’s moose hunting season. If I could get one we could have moose instead of those Mountain House meals,” said Clint.

“No hunting,” said Steve and Natasha smirked.

“Oh you are no fun eagle,” said Natasha and Alison couldn’t help but giggle. “Beside you stand out like a sore thumb in your colors. It would scare all animals off anyway,” said Natasha. Bucky grinned at Alison.

“It’s my fault really. I suggested he looked good in the uniform,” said Bucky and Alison grinned back. _This might not be so bad,_ thought Alison.

“Are we finished?” asked Steve and Natasha shrugged as she handed the controls to Barton

“The drone is ready, Don’t break it,” said Natasha.

“Please I’ve flown these with the kids. They’re easy,” said Clint.

“Don’t let Tony hear you compare this tech to something you bought at a toy store,” said Steve and Alison felt that knot in her stomach ease a bit. _Well even Steve is joking so maybe this won’t be so bad,_ thought Alison.

“According to the intel we’re about five miles away the base,” said Steve looking at the screen that showed nothing but trees. About twenty minutes later something looked off about the trees and Barton grinned.

“Ah here we are. I love it when they use cloaking tech,” said Clint. The drone went through a tree and was in a bare patch of woods with an odd crop of rocks. Alison looked at the bare patch no more than a few feet and wondered if anyone had come across it over the years. They watched Clint ease the drone back and switched it over to a scanning mode.

“No heat detected, but they could be really far down,” said Clint. “Looks like a few sensor traps. Should be easy to take out,” said Clint. Alison looked up at Bucky and she saw he had zoned out and she took his hand without really thinking. _Maybe this will be bad in some ways,_ thought Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

_It was always so cold when he came too and he could sometimes he could remember why he was cold when he woke up. It took a few blinks to get used to the light and see who was around. Sometimes he could recognize faces, but they really meant nothing to him. There was a man in a suit eyeing him and looking annoyed. This was someone new._

_“How long till he’s functional?” asked the man in the suit annoyed._

_“His body temperature is rising and we’ll need to test his motor skills to make sure he’s functional. It might take another hour or so Mr. Pierce” said a voice.  The man in the suit came over and touched his face. Something in him wanted to recoil from this man, but he knew better._

_“He has a lot of work ahead and I want him in the best shape,” said Pierce and he left the room._

Bucky felt the smaller hand slip into his right hand and he relaxed. He looked down at her, and Alison looked up at him quickly before turning back to the screen. He needed to keep his head here.

“Do you remember anything about how to get in or out?” asked Alison. She still had grip on his hand and it helped him focus. _The sooner this is over the sooner we can go,_ thought Bucky.

“I think it was under the rocks. An elevator that took you down. I think it might be hand scan. I think I’m in the system,” said Bucky and Steve frowned a bit while thinking.

“What happens if you aren’t?” asked Steve.

“I’m pretty sure the area is rigged to kill anyone trying to get in without clearance,” said Bucky lightly even though he gripped Alison’s hand hard. “I sort of remember them scanning my hand. If something happened and a handler was taken out I knew I was to get myself out and back to a base. I’m pretty sure I got back here once,” said Bucky. _It was cold outside and the snow and wind stung his face. He shoved his hand deeper in his pocket and marched through the snow. The Mission had been finished and he was to report back._

“Buck?” asked Steve and Bucky noticed Steve had gotten closer to him and Alison. He was trying to put himself between them. Bucky also noticed that Natasha’s hand was near her pocket and that Clint was now behind him. David was eying Alison who now had her left hand on top his and was squeezing lightly.

“Just breath,” she said and Bucky took a long breath before looking at Steve.

“I just need a minute to think,” said Bucky.

“Take all the time you need,” said Steve easing back as did everyone else. Only Alison stayed with her hand on his.

“What did you remember?” asked Alison and he wondered if she was even aware she was using the nurse tone on him.

“It was cold and I was coming in,” said Bucky and she nodded for him to go on. “It was snowing. I had to let myself in. I know how to get in,” said Bucky and Alison let go of his hand. Bucky looked at Steve.

“It’s just a handprint. No code. Elevator will take us down. I’m not sure how many floors it had though,” said Bucky.

“The drone didn’t pick up any traps. I say we stick to the plan though and keep a look out tonight to make sure no one comes to visit,” said Clint and Steve nodded.

“Natasha and I will scout to a closer look. I want you and Bucky to secure the area. I think you two can handle watching the jet,” said Steve looking at David and Alison.

“We’re not responsible if the jet flys away on its own,” said David and Alison rolled her eyes.

“We’ll be fine,” said Alison. Steve and Natasha headed off into the woods while Clint packed the drone up.

“We’ll do a quick sweep and set up an area a few yards away,” said Clint and David handed him another bag.

“Little motion detectors and some stunners just in case,” said David and Clint smiled.

“I did miss you David. You always remembered the good stuff,” said Clint shouldering the bag. “Come on, this should only take a few minutes,” said Clint and Bucky followed him into the woods. They walked about a yard or more and started laying out the traps and Clint looked at Bucky before speaking.

“Nat said you two had a thing. You alright with her being here?” asked Clint and Bucky set up a motion detector.

“Not really. At least I get to keep an eye on her,” said Bucky and Clint nodded.

“The first mission is always the scariest. I’m sure she’s worried about screwing up and being an embarrassment. Well at least I was back in the day. I think I might have fallen out of my stand on my first assignment,” said Clint.

“I had a gun jam twice during a quick fire fight on our way to Italy. No one in my unit was hurt, but it was a huge pain in the ass,” said Bucky. They were far enough into the woods no one noticed them and Bucky prayed that no one would come across them while hunting. They made their way back and saw Alison was sitting on a rock watching the jet while David watched the woods.

“It’s still here,” said Alison grinning and Bucky shook his head. _The sooner we get this done the sooner we can be home,_ thought Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

            Clint and Natasha agreed to take first watch and he and Steve were to take second. Alison and David were put on last and David promised pancakes for everyone when they got up. David had pitched a small tent outside while Steve dozed in the pilot seat. Bucky was curled up next to Alison at the back of the plane.

            “You need to go to sleep,” said Bucky to a very awake Alison and she tried to get comfortable on the thin sleeping mat.

            “Those MRE are murder on the stomach. At least the beef and noodles are,” she joked and Bucky gave her a serious look.

            “You’re going to be fine and we should be in and out tomorrow before anyone knows what hit them,” said Bucky and he pulled her close. “Just go to sleep.”

            “I can’t...I just...thinking myself crazy is all,” said Alison softly and Bucky knows the feeling. The nerves before going in are overwhelming. A few times he had stayed up all night reading before a raid.  He was going to have talk her down and put her ease. He used to be good at this once. After their mother died, Becca had been hounded by nightmares for weeks. He could remember holding her night after night and soothing her back to sleep.  “ _Don’t be scared...shush...I got you and I won’t let anything happen to you,” said Bucky and Becca’s sobs lessened even though she held tightly to him._

            “I know it’s hard trying to get to sleep when you don’t know what you might be walking into, but this is a good team. I trust you and so does Steve. I know Steve seems like he’ll trust anyone, but once you have his trust it’s because you’ve earned it,” said Bucky.

He hoped that got through to her. She was here because she had earned it and it wasn’t a free pass because she was his girlfriend or his on and off caretaker. Alison sighed and adjusted her small pillow before staying where she was pressed to his chest. She had changed out of her uniform into a pair of sweatpants and sweater. She said it was too heavy to sleep in. Bucky had taken off the vest, weapons and his boots. The rest of uniform felt oddly comforting to him. _Well it’s what you’ve known for years,_ thought Bucky.

“That’s still a lot to wrap my head around,” said Alison closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “I’ll be fine. I promise...just give me a bit,” said Alison. Bucky pulled the blanket around them tighter and let his metal hand slip under her sweater and he started rubbing her back. This tended to lull her sleep most of the time and he wasn’t really sure why. Alison let out a small sigh and pulled herself a little closer so she was completely pressed against him. He knew she hadn’t really meant anything by it other than wanting the comfort, but something about the way her body pressed against his was a little overwhelming.

“Ally,” whispered Bucky and she quickly pulled herself away when she felt him react.

“Sorry,” said Alison and he could see her face flush. “I wasn’t trying to start anything. Not really the place for it,” she tried to joke.

“You be surprised,” said Bucky and she gave him a look.

“What does that mean?” asked Alison and Bucky looked up at the ceiling.

“Before we really got into Italy, I came across two guys from another unit fooling around in the woods. They saw me and I pretended I didn’t see anything. It would have gotten them kicked out or worse. A lot times you turned a blind eye to that...you didn’t know if you were going to see tomorrow so why not,” said Bucky. It got quiet between them and Alison squeezed his hand.

“I’ll see you at shift change,” said Alison and she rolled over. Bucky listened as her breathing evened out and he could hear Steve snoring from the pilot seat.

He kept looking up the ceiling and tried to think of something other than her dozing off next to him and it wasn’t working. That moment of her body pressing into him had him wide awake and wanting. She was always so careful before starting anything with him that her sudden lack of asking before she pressed into had stunned him a bit and had him thinking about what could happen if they weren’t here. He wanted to touch her so badly all of sudden and his brain wasn’t going to shut up until he made it shut up. _I just need to touch her in case something happens...just in case._ He told her it would be alright, but he knew how a battle could turn quickly. _We didn’t know if we would see tomorrow,_ thought Bucky.

Bucky rolled over and pulled Alison close to him and she let out a small sigh.

“Ally,” he muttered before moving the braid aside to kiss her neck. He put his hand on her hip and pushed his hips against her so she could feel him. Alison looked over her shoulder at him a bit confused before he started moving his hand under her shirt and the confusion faded for a moment before it came back in her eyes. It was mixed though with a wanting look and he decided to keep going.

“We’ll be quiet,” whispered Bucky as his right hand finds her breast and starts to squeeze it lightly. His thumb starts rubbing small circles against her nipple and he smirks when he feels it get hard while the rest of her breast feels so soft. Her body arches back to meet his and Alison is biting her lip.

“We shouldn’t be doing this here,” said Alison softly before Bucky gets her on her back and is on top of her.

“I just want to touch you...I never do,” said Bucky before kissing her, sliding his tongue into her mouth as his hands work up her sweater and his leg starts pushing her knees apart. Some part of her brain knows she should stop this before they get caught or he has a bad flashback and they’re in too deep to stop. The rest of her wants this and doesn’t want to stop. He had hinted at wanting to move things along before, but he always seemed to worried about hurting her. She doesn’t want to stop him since he had started it first.  Bucky’s lips move from her mouth to her throat before pressing kisses against her face.

“You always make sure I enjoy this and I never touch you back. I want you to enjoy it too,” said Bucky. He starts kissing her again and they only break apart long enough for him to pull the sweater over her head. Alison watches has his dark blue eyes get darker as he looks at her body. He swallows hard before both his hands skim over her body. It’s two very different feelings all at the same time. Cold and smooth on one side and rough and warm on the other side and Alison has to bite her lip from crying out.

“You have such a pretty body and we fit so well together,” said Bucky has his hands roam over her. Dragging his fingertips over her breasts before cupping them and toying with her nipples. Alison is fisting the blanket and she can taste her own blood from biting her lip to keep quiet.

“One of these nights we’re going to have to go somewhere to be alone. I want to hear you...I want to hear you moan, and scream and say my name while I have you,” hisses Bucky has he kisses her breasts and starts kissing down her ribcage.

Alison feels like she’s going to finish and he hasn’t even touched her there yet. Something about all this buildup is driving her out of her mind. She can see it in his eyes too, how badly he wants it and they have to hold back. _We had to be sure and not rush it, but I don’t know if we can hold it back anymore._ Bucky starts rubbing through her pants and his mouth is keeping her from moaning out loud. Bucky rolls off her and the sudden loss of him has her nearly whining for him to come back. Bucky pulls her close and slides his hand under her sweats and between her legs.

“Jesus,” mutters Bucky feeling how wet she is and Alison lets out a small moan when his fingers skim over her. Before she can brace herself Bucky has two fingers inside her and they both nearly cry out. “You are so tight and so worked up right now,” said Bucky. Alison shudders a bit has he pulls out of her and goes in a little deeper and a little harder.

“Bucky,” mutters Alison has she goes to touch him and he pushes her hand away.

“No. You..I want to know what this is like for you,” said Bucky and he starts rubbing her clit with his thumb in circles while curling fingers in and out of her. Her body is nothing but heat right now and she’s muttering about how good this feels. He loves how warm she is and how flushed she is from what he’s doing. Her body is tightening around him and he can tell she’s so close.

“Let it go baby. Let me feel this,” pleads Bucky and it seems to drive her over the edge Alison pulls him into for a kiss has the orgasm hits her hard, her whole body shudders and he can feel her body tighten around his fingers and she seems even wetter than before. She shaking as  he pulls out of her and kisses her forehead.  She can’t seems to talk and Bucky pulls her close and lets his hand go between his own legs.

“There wasn’t a guy on the front lines who didn’t manage to find a little privacy to work this out,” said Bucky pulling down his own pants enough to free his member. Alison’s hand starts working him and he can see this burning look in her eyes that nearly does him in.

“I  want to be alone with you too,” whispers Alison between kisses on his neck. “I want you so much...I didn’t think I could want it this much ever again, I didn’t think anyone would want me back.” Bucky quickly takes her hand off him, straddles her before she can react and he starts stroking himself.

“I have never wanted anyone the way I want you,” mutters Bucky. Alison watches him wide eyed has he strokes himself. His hips thrusting in time with his strokes, his left hand is digging into her hip as his right hand goes up and his length. His eyes roll back and his whole body shakes has he comes on her stomach with a little hiss. He’s still shaking a little when Alison’s hand brushes his hair back and her other hand is on his thigh rubbing it.

“I think you made my sleeping problem worse,” teases Alison and Bucky goes to say something when they hear Steve let out a huge snore and they both freeze like deer in headlights.

“Bathroom,” whispers Bucky and Alison grabs her sweater to quickly cover herself as they lock themselves in the little closet of a bathroom.

“That was really crazy,” mutters Alison with a small grin. Bucky hands her a wad of tissue to clean up while he washes his hands.

“You liked it though?” asked Bucky. Alison can hear that faint hint of his Russian accent and she pulls her sweater on before hugging him.

“I meant what I said before about wanting you. If we weren’t here right now I think we might have gone further and I would have let you,” said Alison. Bucky looks down at her and lets his forehead rest on hers.

“I want it be special for both of us...I know we’ve been with other people, but...I want it to mean something. It sounds stupid and…”Alison kisses him and runs a hand through his hair.

“It’s not stupid at all and the fact that you trust me does mean something to me. I don’t take that lightly.  I love you and whenever it happens makes it special for me,” said Alison. Bucky hugs her tightly and lets it sink in again that she loves him and that he can trust her without a second thought.

Going to sleep is somehow much easier now and before she drops off she can hear Bucky whisper that he loves her too.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            David had brought a portable camp stove and was making pancakes in a small frying pan. Alison sipped her instant coffee and grinned.

            “So what do you plan on feeding the rest of us?” asked Alison.

“Huh?” asked David as he flipped one over.

“That’s maybe enough to feed Steve. What are the rest of us eating?” asked Alison.

“I have some Egg Beaters and some bacon. Plus we have snacks,” said David.

“I do like those little power bars,” said Alison.

“Ah they are yummy,” said David and he handed her a small plate with pancakes. “Before we get everyone up,” said David.

“Thanks,” said Alison and David handed her some syrup. They sat there together and watched the sky turn a pale shade of pink.

“How you hold up?” asked David and Alison shrugged.

“Well I’m starving this morning so that’s a plus,” said Alison and she took another sip of her coffee.

“I know. I think I threw up twice before my first mission,” said David. “It was in South America and it was hotter than hell and the bugs were as big as my head,” said David and he started to make a new batch of pancakes. Alison finished her stack and went to get everyone up. Clint and Natasha were sleeping in a tent by the plane and were already waking up before she poked her head in. She went into the jet and found Bucky was asleep on the mattress and was cradling her pillow. It pulled at her and Alison sighed, she really wanted this over so they could go home. She went over and woke Steve up first.

“Well this is a nicer wake up than what I’m used to,” teased Steve and Alison shrugged.

“I didn’t know how to use the trumpet,” said Alison. Steve grinned and grabbed his uniform before heading to the restroom. Alison went and knelt by Bucky; she put one hand on his head, one on his arm and shook him carefully.

“Hey. Hey...David made pancakes,” said Alison. Bucky grabbed her arm and pulled her over and onto the mattress.

“Sloppy. I’m going to have to talk to Natasha about training you harder,” said Bucky. Alison pulled herself off the mattress and nudged him with her foot.

“Just get up before Steve eats all the pancakes,” said Alison and she headed outside. David, Natasha and Clint were watching a mother moose and her calf munching on some grass at the edge of their camp.

“Still want the jerky?” asked Natasha and Clint shrugged.

“They do look cuddly,” said Clint. Bucky and Steve came out and she felt Bucky wrap his arms around her waist and they watched the sunrise with the moose. _This isn’t so bad after all,_ thought Alison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Bucky took measured steps behind Steve and listened to every sound in the woods. Bucky knew Alison was behind David and that Clint and Natasha were behind them. They were close to the clearing and Bucky could feel his heart hammering in chest and he swallowed hard. _Just get in and get out...get in and get out..._ thought Bucky. Steve held up a fist for them to stop and he listened and scanned the clearing before waving them forward.

            “Alright you’re up,” said Steve and Bucky went forward to the small outcropping of rock and walked around it twice before he remembered where the entrance was. He stopped and locked eyes with Alison and Steve. She nodded and gave him a tight smile. Steve also nodded, but looked ready to pull him out if need be. _They have your back and you_ _can do this,_ thought Bucky. He turned and put his hand on the rock, a second later he felt it get warmer and realized he was being scanned.

The ground shifted a bit before a platform came up in front of him. Steve motioned them forward and since they weren’t sure which way the elevator doors would open, Steve had Natasha and Clint face one way while he and Steve faced the other. Alison and David were in the middle. Natasha already had her gun at the ready and Clint had an arrow loaded. Bucky gave Alison a quick glance and he could see a few beads of sweat on forehead. The staves are in her hands and Bucky prays to whatever will listen that she won’t have to use them. David is calm and it reminds Bucky too much of his grandfather. _Dum-Dum was also the calm one before he entered the fray,_ thought Bucky. The doors opened facing him and Steve and Steve carefully looks out before stepping out with his shield and Bucky is right behind him with his gun drawn. They listen for a few moments and it’s a little too quiet.

“Let’s get this over with,” said Steve and the group moves forward. This clearly just a staging area and they head through a set of double doors into a hangar area. David let out a low whistle looking at the planes and vehicles here.

“Do we really have to trash the place? The Hummer looks pretty sweet,” whispered David and Steve shakes his head. _Dugan looking over a pile of Hydra gear and grinning at Steve. I helped build these and it’s really a waste to not take a little something, teased Dugan._

“It hasn’t been used in almost two years. Batteries are probably dead. Not mention I bet they tag all their stuff. I really don’t want them showing up at Headquarters asking for their stuff back,” said  Natasha softly. They exited the hangar and into a small hallway with a door on the right and two doors on the left. Steve signals for Natasha and Clint to check the doors on the left while they take the door on the right. David pulls Alison back against the wall. The room on the right is a locker room and they don’t find anything. Natasha and Clint find gear and weapons in their rooms.

“Maybe everyone cleared out after SHIELD fell. This is really in no man’s land,” said David. Bucky is wondering the same thing now, he was starting to remember a bit more about his time with Pierce and he honestly can’t remember being here in years. _Well that’s not saying much of anything,_ thought Bucky.

“We’re still staying together for now to be on the safe side,” said Steve. They hall went on for bit and Bucky was trying really hard to keep his head here. The hall turned into a T and Steve looked at David and then to Natasha and Clint.

“You three go the right and we’ll go left. Stay in contact and we’ll meet back up in ten minutes,” said Steve.

“Just like old times,” said Clint eyeing David who grinned as Natasha rolled her eyes before she started down the hall.  

“Do you want to take point and I’ll bring up the rear?” asked Steve.

“Sure,” said Bucky and he felt his palms starting to sweat. He had been here before and he took a deep breath.

“I think they might have kept me around here somewhere,” said Bucky and Steve nodded.

“Let’s just sweep this floor and work from there,” said Steve who was starting to get that worried look. Alison was watching him too and Bucky swallowed hard. She didn’t like being here anymore than he did, but she wasn’t worried about herself though. She was worried about him and what this was doing to him. _I will never understand what I did to have these two in my life,_ thought Bucky.

“I’m fine to take point. Just keep her in your sights,” said Bucky. He lowered his weapon and they started sweeping the hall. They didn’t find much, a few rooms and a work out area. _He had his opponent on the ground and in a choke hold. He man slapped his arm for release, but the Soldier knew he wasn’t to let go until he was given the order from his new commander. The man in the suit shook his head and without another thought he twisted the man’s neck and heard the snap._

_“Not bad. Not bad at all,” said the man in the suit with a faint grin._

“Come on. There’s nothing here,” said Alison and she had her hand on his arm. Steve’s comm flashed on his wrist.

“Report,” said Steve and Natasha was speaking in all their ear pieces.

“We found some computers, a med center and possible office files  Do we want to leave David and Alison up here to collect while we sweep the next level?” asked Natasha. Steve looked at Alison and she nodded before speaking in her comm.

“I’ll be fine up here with David,” said Alison and Bucky had to fight the urge to drag her back to the plane. _She was trained to be here. She was trained to be here._ He never felt this way when Carter was in the field with them. Then again he hadn’t been in love with Carter. Steve caught his eye and nodded in understanding.

“You and David have ten minutes to collect and then we’re scrubbing this place,” said Steve and Alison nodded. They went back down the hall and found Clint, Natasha and David in a small office room. David nodded at her and looked around the room.

“So I take the filing cabinets and you take the laptop ,” said David. Alison was already fishing Tony’s jump drive out of the backpack.

“Ten minutes. We’re going to check the other floor,” said Steve and Alison nodded as she booted up the laptop.

“I got your girl,” said David softly to Bucky and Bucky nodded. It didn’t help that knot in stomach ease. They went down a flight of stairs and Bucky could feel his ears wanting to pop from the pressure. The next floor was sort of basement and Bucky felt the hair on his neck stand up. There was a huge door in front of them and Natasha went forward to see if there was code or scanner.

_“I’m pleased with how well he functions. How long can he be out without supervision?” Asked the man in the suit and the woman handed him a glass of water._

_“Two. Maybe three days at most. He’ll need to be wiped after the third or fourth day or else he starts acting out. You can brief him quickly and we’ve worked out waking him up faster from cryo. It is best to have someone with him in case he starts to slip. It’s only happened a once or twice since I’ve been with him,” said the woman._

_“How would you feel about moving operations to the east?” Asked the man and the woman shrugged._

_“As long as we have access to a cryo unit and a unit for prepping I don’t see an issue with heading that way,” she said._

His old cryo unit was behind the doors once Natasha got them open. Bucky felt a rush of rage come over him.

“You alright?” Asked Steve and before Bucky could say anything he heard Clint yell.

“COVER!” Bucky turned and saw a man in black Hydra uniform dash out from behind a stack of crates and toss a smoke bomb before shooting at them. Steve used his shield to deflect the bullets. The smoke was thick but Bucky heard the click of the door leading up. Bucky ran after him and ignored Steve’s order to come back.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            It baffled Alison that the computer wasn’t password protected and she plugged the jump drive in and seconds later it flashed a blue screen of death before the screen went red and gold and little gif’s of a tiny dancing Iron Men filled the screen with a progress bar.

            “Oh Tony,” muttered Alison and she turned to the files that David was pouring over.

            “I will never understand the need that evil organizations have to document and file all the things,’ said David. He tossed a report on the floor and Alison grabbed a stack to flip through. It looked to be accounting stuff. Bank accounts, invoices on where things were purchased and how much, who requested it.

            “This isn’t what I was hoping for, but it might be of some use,” said Alison and she stuffed the file into the bag.

            “You were hoping for more records on Barnes?” Asked David and Alison nodded.

            “The notes were really detailed until the 80’s and I did get some from...her, but he really wants to know what happened between the 80’s and last year,” said Alison. David sat a file aside and grabbed another.

            “Is he going to be alright knowing?” asked David and Alison looked up at him.

            “Meaning?” asked Alison and David shrugged.

            “They were using him like a puppet for years to do god knows what. I used to listen to my grandpa tell me stories about him and well I know he can’t go back to the guy he was, but he could just shut the door on this. He doesn’t owe anyone a damn thing...hell I think you two would be really happy with a nice yard and a dog. He’s earned that,” said David. Alison went to speak up when they both felt the floor shake under their feet. Panic grabbed her by the throat and she looked at David.

            “That is never a good thing,” said David drawing his Taser gun. Alison looked at saw the download was almost finished, but her concern was if everyone was alright.

            “Everything alright?” asked David into his comm and he was greeted by coughing.

            “Hostile...stairs…” coughed Clint. Alison grabbed her weapon and waited for David to make a move.

            “Do we engage?” asked David and all heard was more coughing. “Guys?” asked David. They both heard the basement door open and footsteps came pounding down the hall and before they could react a short man with black hair was pointing a gun at them. David went to move and the gunshot was loud and it made Alison’s ears ring. Before she could move to David the man had her by the braid.

            “I need you to get out,” he hissed and jamming the gun into her temple he started pulling her down the hall. Alison’s whole mind went  blank and her body felt numb. _David...oh god..are they alright down there?_ Something felt heavy in her hand and she remembered she still had her weapon in her hand.

            “Come on,” he hissed and Alison felt everything Natasha had told her coming back to her as she made herself heavy.  “God damn...I’m…” Alison grabbed his arm and flung him into the wall. He dropped the gun and Alison brought the stave down on his hand and across his face. She was pretty sure she had broken his jaw, but he was still up and he pulled a knife out and started slashing at her. Alison felt the blade on her face and she screamed as she dropped to the floor. She almost dropped the stave and she swung blindly hitting him in the knee.

            “You bitch,” he hissed as he fell and Alison swung, hit him in the head and he went down.

            Alison could feel the blood running down her face and she winced. She could feel it so he hadn’t gone too deep and damaged the nerves and before she could think any further she felt someone grabbing her arm. She went to swing the stave when Bucky caught it in his left hand.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

            The fight was over in thirty seconds, but for Bucky who couldn’t get a shot line up to take out the Hydra goon it felt like forever. His eyes were watering and his chest hurt a bit from the smoke, but he was almost up the stairs when he heard the gunshot and he was in the hall when he saw the man dragging Alison out the room by her braid. She didn’t look hurt, but she looked pale and out of it. Bucky quickly wiped his eyes and tried to line up a shot when he saw Alison shove her attacker against the wall and bring her stave down on his hand so he couldn’t grab his gun. She went for the face and Bucky heard the bones crack in her opponent's face.

            He pulled a knife off and started swinging wildly and Bucky watched in horror as the knife cut her from her ear to her chin. Her scream snapped him out of it and he was about to shoot when Alison brought the stave square into her attacker’s knee cap bring him down to her level. He couldn’t risk the shot since they were so close. She slammed the stave into his head and he went down.

            _Kill him now,_ hissed the Soldier and Bucky made his way over to shoot him when he remembered Alison was still on the floor and hurt. She clearly didn’t know it was him and when he grabbed her arm to pull her up and she swung to hit him. Her green eyes were full of shock and confusion as he pulled her up. _She’s never been in a fight before, not like this,_ thought Bucky and he studied the cut. The knife must have had a dull blade or the attacker had trouble seeing due to the hit to the face or else the cut would been much deeper.

“Ally,” said Bucky and he gave her a small shake. “It’s okay...look at me. It’s alright,” said Bucky. She blinked and dropped her stave before she hugged him.

“Is everyone else alright?” asked Alison and she pulled away from him. “Oh god David,” cried Alison and she started down the hall when Steve, Clint and Natasha came up. The three of them quickly took the scene in and Natasha grabbed her arm.

“You alright?” asked Natasha and Alison nodded.

“I have to check on David,” said Alison and she went back into the room. David was on the ground and was bleeding from a gunshot wound near his collarbone, the one weak spot. He looked pale, but he was still breathing.

“Shit,” muttered Alison and she quickly started pressing her bare hands against the wound. “David. David I need you to open your eyes,” ordered Alison. He opened one eye and it looked bleary.

“Damn you got messed up too,” muttered David and he closed his eye again.

“I need David’s pack,” ordered Alison and Steve quickly pulled the kit out and opened it.

“Here,” said Steve and he pulled the gauze out.

“I need you to apply pressure,” said Alison and once Steve did she started cutting his sleeve to get a better look, muttering about exit wounds and she let out a small sigh.

“Alright it’s a through and through so we just need to keep the pressure on for a bit...it might have broken his bone, but I can’t tell for sure,” said Alison. Bucky watched as she checked his airway and kept talking to David while muttering to herself about treatment options. Natasha was gathering up the drive and files they had pulled out and Clint went out to make sure the prisoner didn’t get away.

“He’s going to need a hospital to be on the safe side. I can’t really tell if anything is broken. It didn’t hit a major artery or else he would have bled out. He could have muscle damage that would need treatment fast or else he could lose that arm,” said Alison.

“I want a sweet metal arm like your boyfriend,” said David with a grin and Alison glared at him.

“Shut your cake hole Mary Beth. We’re gonna need a stretcher, some more gauze...I need to clean this out more,” said Alison and she took the rubbing alcohol out of the kit. “I think you can ease up for a second,” said Alison and Steve stepped aside.

“We’ll see what we can find,” said Steve and he nudged Bucky. Bucky snapped out of it and followed Steve across the hall. Steve quickly scrubbed his hands before trying to find anything for Alison. _I’m going to kill that son of a bitch,_ thought Bucky as he heard David mutter a stream of curses.

“Here. This should work,” said Steve pulling an old gurney out. He turned and saw that Bucky had balled his hands into fists and was looking into the hallway. Steve saw Clint was securing the prisoner. Steve guessed that Alison must have taken him down and Bucky must not have been able to get a shot off. _Or he didn’t want to risk hitting Alison in the process,_ thought Steve. It was that look in his eyes that had Steve on edge though. He had seen that look when they had been fighting on the streets of D.C. It was a calm sort of rage and Steve had seen it when Bucky had thrown him into a car.

“Bucky. Bucky...she’s going to be alright. She needs our help with David right now,” said Steve.

“I couldn’t take the shot,” said Bucky. “I want to rip his throat out with my bare hands,” said Bucky.

“He’ll be handled. Right now she’s trying to keep our friend alive,” said Steve. Bucky started looking through cabinets and found more gauze and a few more bottle of alcohol. They came back in and Alison had applied new gauze and her hands were red and her own cut was dripping down her neck.    

“You are so gonna have an awesome scar when this done,” said Alison and David winced.

“Not so hard Nurse Ratchet,” said David and Alison pressed down a little harder.

“I really don’t want you bleeding out on me,” said Alison. Natasha shook her head.

“He’s too stupid to bleed out. Tony’s in L.A. and he might be able to get us into a hospital quietly,” said Natasha.

“Get him on the horn and get Hill on the line to let her know we have a prisoner in custody,” said Steve and Natasha nodded and pulled out her Stark phone and started talking to Pepper.

“Let’s get him on this,” said Steve and Alison moved away so they could get David on the gurney. “You want take care of that?” Asked Steve and Alison looked puzzled before remembering her own cut and seeing her hands covered in blood.

“Give me a minute,” said Alison and she went across the hall and came back a few moments later with a huge piece of gauze taped to her face and her hands in a pair of gloves. She pressed the gauze down and checked David’s pulse again.

“I’m fine mom. Let’s get this show on the road,” said David. They wheeled him out and Clint was waiting by the elevator with the prisoner who was still knocked out.

“I wasn’t sure if we wanted to set the charges. I didn’t want to risk him coming to and trying to slip away,” said Clint.

“Let’s get him secured and David settled on the jet. We’ll come back and set the charges than,” said Steve.

“Do you want me to see if he’s going to be alright?” asked Alison and Bucky stared at her. _He could have killed you. Would have killed you and now you want to make sure he’s alright,_ thought Bucky.

“He’s still breathing and he’s not bleeding from the ears so let him be someone else’s problem,” said Clint grabbing the man by the collar and tossing him in the elevator. Alison winced and David looked at the man and grinned

“You messed him up good. That a girl,” said David and Alison didn’t say anything. Bucky put his hand on her lower back, but she was focused on making sure David was going to be alright.

They got back to the jet and Clint handcuffed the man to a pole and checked him for more weapons and then checked his teeth for any cyanide pills.

“I’ll stay here while you boys blow up stuff up,” said Natasha and Bucky was about say something when Steve took his arm.

“We need you to get back in,” said Steve. Bucky had to force himself to not grind his teeth.

“Fine,” he said and stalked out of the jet. _I’m going to snap his neck like a twig. I don’t care what trouble I get into,_ thought Bucky.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

            “Your boyfriend is going to rip that guy’s face off,” said David as Alison taped on a new piece of gauze and tossed the old one in a trash can.

            “He’ll settle down once he realizes I’m fine,” said Alison. “You want anything for the pain?” Asked Alison and David shook his head.

            “You want anything for that?” asked David nodding at her cut. Honestly she had been running on all cylinders she hadn’t really felt the pain for a while. “It does hurt right?” asked David looking worried.

            “Now that you mention it, it hurts like a mother. I’m going to need stitches once we land. I’m hoping it doesn’t leave a mark. I’m in a wedding next year and god forbid I have a huge scar ruining any wedding photos,” said Alison. Natasha went to start up the jet and they heard a groan behind them. The man stirred and realized he was handcuffed. He glared and spat some blood on the floor.

            “Uuuhhhhggg...I’m gona gut you,” he spat blood again and glared at Alison.

            “We didn’t understand you. Jaw looks broken...that must hurt huh?” asked David and Alison felt a chill go up her spine.

            “Slllooow...Gut youu slloww,” he muttered and her hands shook has finished up with David.

            “Shut the hell up,” spat David. The man grinned through and his whole mouth was red.

            “Weee...coouulldd...you wooulldd havve likke it,” he laughed and David tried getting out of bed.

            “You either shut the hell up or I’m gonna shut you up,” barked David and the man started laughing and coughing up blood. Alison was starting to feel the adrenaline wear off and she suddenly felt so cold and tired. She had acted in self-defense and she had been trained to be a part of this team. It wouldn’t be good to let them see her go to pieces now. She turned her back and tried to ignore the slurring insults behind her. _No different than a piss off patient,_ thought Alison. Natasha came back and eyed the man.

            “You either shut the hell or I’m gonna make you shut the hell up,” said Natasha coolly. The man spat again and muttered something in Russian at her. Alison simply heard a clang and quiet. She assumed Natasha had rammed his head into the pole. _That’s not going to be good for him. He probably has a concussion and I might have cracked something when I hit him. Oh what if he’s bleeding in his brain right now and…_

“You need to sit down,” said Natasha and she made Alison sit down. “Take a couple of deep breaths and relax. You did what needed to be done and we’re getting out of here. Just breath,” said Natasha and Alison looked back to the man and then back to Natasha.

“I don’t...it happened so fast. I did remember what you taught me. He didn’t see me as a threat,” said Alison and Natasha grinned.

“It’s our stunning good looks. Now just sit and relax. Dummy is going to be fine,” said Natasha.

“I’m right here,” muttered David. Bucky, Steve and Clint got back on the jet. Alison saw Bucky give the knocked out a look of loathing and she got up and took his hand.

“He’s not worth it,” she whispered and Bucky looked at her stunned and then back to the knocked out man.

“He could have killed you,” he whispered and she could hear the Russian accent coming through.

“I’m going to be fine. I don’t want him to make you do something you’ll hate later on. Just let it go,” said Alison. She saw how pissed off he was and she carefully pulled on his arm. “It’s what they would want from you. I don’t want that from you,” said Alison. Bucky turned and looked at her a bit stunned and a little ashamed and confused.

“I really want too,” said Bucky and she squeezed his hand.

“He is not worth it,” she repeatedly firmly. Bucky turned and hugged her tightly. She hugged him back and pulled him over to a seat so the jet could take off. Clint hit the switch blowing up the base once they were in air. Bucky watched as a large cloud covered the area. It was gone and it couldn’t hurt anyone anymore.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Pepper made sure David was seen and that it was done at a small private hospital near Stark Industries. David did have some bone fragments that needed to be removed, but nothing that would cause permanent damage. Pepper also called in a plastic surgeon to look at Alison’s face despite her protests. Alison sat there as the elderly Asian man. Dr. Nitta studied her face.

            “Well it’s going to scar bit, but a little make up should cover it up. Give it a few months and no one will notice it. No nerve or tissue damage which is a plus. Just hold still now,” he said. She was numb from the pain killers that she finally caved and asked for. It was about forty stitches to close the cut. He gave her a list of instructions on how to care for the wound and a referral to a guy he knew back in New York. Alison knew the doctor in passing as a top shelf surgeon who worked on burn victims for free on his off days.

“Tell him I sent you and you’ll get right in,” said the doctor and he left the room. He had given her the good stuff for pain. Between that and how tired she suddenly felt she barely made it to the door. Bucky was on the other side of the door to catch her. She didn’t wake up until they were halfway back to New York. David was sleeping his surgery off too. They had already dropped Clint off and Alison was a little disappointed she didn’t get to say good bye.

The prisoner was taken into UN custody and Alison really didn’t care what happened to him now. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what her grandfather would have said. Alison felt Bucky brushed her hair back and he was resting his head on top of hers.   

“Do you want anything? The doctor gave us some pills if you started to feel sore,” said Bucky and it was an odd mix of his Brooklyn and Russian accent coming through. Alison leaned back against him and she relaxed.

“I’m fine. I just want to be home,” said Alison. They got back around dinner time and Sam along with Dr. Cho and Maria were waiting for them. Sam took in the long white bandage and hugged her.

“Can’t let you go anywhere,” said Sam.

“You should see the other guy,” said Natasha as she helped roll David to the hospital wing. Steve looked at Sam and shrugged.

“She did really well her first time out. I have pictures of the other guy if you really want to see it,” said Steve with a small grin.

“Just go take a bath you smell horrible,” said Sam and he kissed her forehead. He started to walk away and turned back with a grin. “Tony had something sent to your room this afternoon. A little welcome home gift,” said Sam. Alison shook her head and handed Maria the files and jump drive.

“Sorry we didn’t grab more. It got crazy,” said Alison and Maria shrugged.

“Happens all the time. Go get some rest,” said Maria. They head up to their shared room and find a small holey box on the floor. Alison opens it up to find a sleeping black lab puppy. Bucky finds the card on the dresser and he reads it out loud.

“I heard these were good for therapy and his guy flunked out of helper dog school. Maybe you’ll be a better teacher,” read Bucky and Alison shook her head.

“He is a terrible gift giver,” said Alison. The puppy stirred, but stayed asleep on her lap.

“You ever have a dog before?” asked Bucky sitting down and looking at the dog.

“No. Gramps wasn’t one for pets and Matt was allergic to dogs,” said Alison. Bucky reached out slowly with his right hand and rubbed the dog’s head.

“I wanted one, but we really couldn’t afford it. I told myself I would get one when I got back,” said Bucky. Alison carefully sat the sleeping puppy in his lap and kissed his forehead.

“Well it’s ours now,” said Alison. “I’m going to take a shower.” She got up and stripped off the filthy uniform and took the hottest shower she could stand. She carefully redressed her face and pulled the p,j’s she left on the floor on. She found Bucky was still sitting on the floor slowly petting the dog.

“You said this is ours,” said Bucky and Alison got on the floor next to him.

“Yes. I meant it,” said Alison. Bucky looked at her and then back to the dog.

“I never thought I would have someone to share things with again,” said Bucky and Alison rubs the dog’s ears between her fingers. “I guess we both thought we would have a lot of nevers,” said Bucky. He puts the dog on the floor and carefully takes her face in his hands. His left hand brushes against the cut and she doesn’t flinch.

“Yeah I guess we did,” said Alison softly as his lips brush the bandage. “I was gonna ask how you feel about going on a real date?” asked Alison and he looks a bit annoyed.

“I was going to ask you out for a date. I don’t want to sneak around anymore,” said Bucky and Alison nods.

“I have something in mind for next weekend. It can be just us if you want or if you really want it can be a double date,” said Alison. Bucky let out a small chuckle and shook his head.

“I think I would like to try being alone with you for a few hours,” said Bucky and he leaned into kiss her when he felt something on his leg. The puppy was awake and was wagging his small tail at them.

“Terrible gift giving must run in the family,” said Bucky has the puppy walked around the room yipping and trying to chew a desk leg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ‘Sugar Bear’ unit is a real thing.   
> I wish Bucky Bears were real.   
> All my bullet wound knowledge came from the Webs. Removing a bullet is a terrible idea from everything I read.   
> Tony would give out pets for presents.


	26. Here with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note-The music was inspired by Postmodern Jukebox. All the songs used have been done by them. So give them a listen. 
> 
> Rated M-

Bucky could remember what it had been like when he had been dating before he shipped off to war. Sometimes it was tight, but he could always afford a small dinner for his date, maybe a movie before he took them dancing. There was always dancing and that was what he was known for. He didn’t have a fancy car or the right clothes, but he could dance and that was what kept his calendar full. That was then and now here he was seventy some years later about to go on a date and he has no idea what Alison has planned for them. Anytime he had asked this week she would simply grin and tell him it was a surprise.

“She’s trying to drive me nuts and she knows which buttons to push,” said Bucky. They would be heading into the city tomorrow night and Bucky had no idea what they were doing. Steve looked up from his drill planning and grinned.

“Why is that panic I hear in your voice? No offense but I never thought a date would drive you this batty,” said Steve. Bucky looked at the drill and frowned.

“Only a five mile run with a loaded pack? What a bunch of babies. At least make it a good ten miles with a pack. And I wouldn’t be batty if she would just tell me what we’re doing,” said Bucky. “It feels weird enough to know she’s paying for us to go out...I know it’s supposed to be all equal and shit, it still feels off and I can’t put my finger on it,” said Bucky and he went to look over the drills and Steve sighed.

Steve was sure Alison wasn’t trying to drive Bucky nuts, but some habits were hard to shake. Well Steve wasn’t sure if they were habits or that manners had gone down the tubes when they were away. If you were with a lady you took her out and made sure she had a nice time. Steve knew that all of Bucky’s dates had a nice enough time and sometimes he would actually take them on a second or third date. No one was ever serious though and maybe it was that making him batty. Steve sat his notes aside and looked at his friend.

“Did you think she might be nervous too?” asked Steve and Bucky looked up at him and frowned.

“Why would she be nervous? She’s planned the whole thing for us,” said Bucky and Steve looked at his friend and sat his own plans aside.

“You know Alison and if she’s planned something for you it means she given it a lot of thought. She’s a lot of things, but she plans better than any four star General I have ran into. Buck...she’s serious about this and well she hasn’t had serious in a long time either so she might be making herself nuts too,” said Steve.

“What if...I’m not...what if she’s put all this work into this and I screw it up? I really want this to be normal, even though I’m not normal,” said Bucky.

Truth be told Bucky did want this date and there was a part of him that was relieved that Alison had done the planning. He used to be romantic and that was something else girls had liked about him. He did love Alison and she had seen hints of who he had been before. Was she expecting this to bring more of that out of him? _What if it doesn’t and this is a huge let down for her?_ Thought Bucky.

“I think normal flew out the window for her ages ago. Actually I think normal flew out the window for everyone when they made me,” said Steve and Bucky looked out the window. “Have you considered the possibility you might have a really nice time with her?” asked Steve and Bucky gave a small smile.

“A little bit,” admitted Bucky. Alison still had her grandfather’s apartment in the city and since no one was subletting it meant they could stay there overnight. Maybe that was what was driving him crazy. That they would really be alone for once and what it could lead to.

“Maybe you should try thinking about that,” said Steve with a small grin of his own. Bucky went to say something when he felt something tugging on his shoelace. He sighed and scooped the puppy up.

“So you’re done napping huh?” asked Bucky sitting the squirming puppy in his lap. However Bailey had other ideas and she put her front paws on his chest and started barking. Steve gave a small laugh and leaned over the desk to pet the dog.

“I can see why she flunked out of helper dog school. She’s just the worst,” said Steve. Alison had called Pepper and got a history on the puppy. He turned out to be a her and her name was Bailey. Her parents were part of a breeding program to give veterans assistance dogs. Bailey had been sent to family for training at seven weeks old and two weeks in they realized she was a bad fit. The family had brought her back when Tony was visiting the center. He took the puppy and gave the program a large sum of money as a donation and fee for taking the puppy.

At ten weeks old Bailey wasn’t a bad dog, she just had a very short attention span. Bad for helping people cross the street, but good when it came to getting people out of their shells. Wanda and Vision had started coming to visit them after dinner and well it was more Wanda wanted to play with the dog and Vision was trying to understand why people liked having pets so much.

Bucky had started watching some of the training this week and Wanda had a great deal of talent that Steve was still working on. She followed orders and always wanted to help when she could. She was still a bit shy around people, but Bucky chalked it up to being under Hydra for most of her teen years. Alison was seeing her twice a week for therapy sessions and one evening a week to help her study for her GED and possible citizenship test. Wanda had finished school in Sokovia, but Alison thought it might help Wanda understand the country she was living in now since her ideas about America had come from 80’s television and growing up in a war zone with American soldiers coming in and out. Sometimes he liked to sit in and listen to Alison talk Wanda through history he had missed or books that he had yet to read.  Alison had Wanda reading _To Kill a Mockingbird_ and Bucky was wondering if Bruce had a copy he could borrow so he could read along.

“Alison thinks Bailey might be good for people who are worried about talking to her. She said sometimes it’s easier to relax with a dog,” said Bucky. Bailey jumped off his lap and started wagging her tail full force. Steve got up and Bailey started jumping on him and barking.

“So do I get babysit this weekend or is Sam doing it?” Asked Steve bending down and rubbing the dog’s ears.

“Wanda already asked to watch the dog. You’ll have to fight her for it,” said Bucky and Steve shook his head.

“Nah. I’ll take her next time,” said Steve. Bucky shook his head and went back to the plans for the next training session and Steve looked at his friend. _Pretending you could live without a war._ Steve wasn’t sure if he could, but maybe there was a chance Bucky could. Bailey rolled over and showed him her belly. _He deserves something good in his life and he’s earned it_ , thought Steve petting the dog. _You know if he can take a chance maybe it wouldn’t kill you to take one,_ thought Steve.

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

            Matt had always called lingerie ‘annoying wrapping paper’ so after a while Alison just stopped buying it. Sam might have teased her about her lack of ‘cute’ underwear, but it had never been an issue when she had been with Matt. Two months ago though on a whim, finding out she was back to her freshman year of college weight and with her paycheck burning a hole in her pocket, she walked in a La Perla shop and bought a bra and garter belt set. She had gotten in black and had planned to wear it the next time she and Justin were alone for a weekend. He had broken up with her that weekend and the La Perla bag was shoved in the closet.

            Alison locked the bathroom door and held the garment up and shook her head. Looking back if she was being honest with herself she hadn’t bought this with Justin in mind. _Metal fingers unfastening the straps and a warm hand on her other thigh._ She wondered what Bucky would think seeing her in it. Maybe she was being stupid though and getting ahead of herself. Yes things had been getting rather heated between them and they would be away tomorrow night, but he could always change his mind and she wouldn’t push him. Still there was no harm in wearing it under her dress...well the dress was her issue right now. It was a dark purple dress with short sleeves that fell just above her knees and had some beading at the waist.  She had worn it to Sophia and Renee’s engagement party a few months ago and now it was too baggy in the waist and in the chest.  

            Alison put the lingerie back in the bag and carefully put it in her overnight bag before heading down to Sharon’s room with the dress. She seemed to be the only one who knew how to alter clothing and had a sewing machine. Alison knocked on Sharon’s door and when she came to the door she looked really upset.

            “Oh...are you alright?” Asked Alison and Sharon shrugged before letting Alison in her room. Alison sat on the bed and Sharon sat down in the chair across from her.

            “My aunt isn’t doing too well and I’m thinking some stuff over,” admitted Sharon.

            “Do you want to talk about it? As friends,” said Alison when Sharon gave her side eye.

            “Do you regret not spending more time with your grandfather before he passed away?” Asked Sharon and Alison nodded.

            “I do. I don’t regret taking the job here, but I wish I would have taken an extra day here and there to see him more. Towards the end it seemed like phone calls were a little overwhelming for him and face to face visits would have been easier on him. He knew I loved him though,” said Alison thinking about her goodbye to him.

            “She knows I love her and well I do like being here, but…” Sharon sighed and looked Alison dead in the eye. “I got a job offer that would take me back to D.C. and I would be near my aunt more,” said Sharon and Alison blinked.

            “Wow. Have you told Sam yet?” Asked Alison and Sharon shook her head. “Well he’s not opposed to the long distance thing. But...well if you feel like your heart won’t be in it due to all the stuff going on while you’re there than you owe him that truth,” said Alison.

            “You gonna beat my ass if I break up with him?” Asked Sharon dryly and Alison shrugged.

            “I think this might be a Bro before a Ho situation,” said Alison and Sharon let out a small laugh. “I love Sam and I really like you so I want what’s best for both of you. I know if you do end things it’s not because you were terrible to each other or you don’t care about each other. It’s a family thing and well I think if Sam’s mom really needed him he would turn his wings over in a second. I won’t tell him about this, but you have too,” said Alison. Sharon groaned and looked out the window.

            “Sam is a great guy and I sort of hoped he might come with me. I know he won’t though. He really likes it here and it makes him happy.” said Sharon.

            “It does. I don’t think he’s been this happy since he finished Basic. He does really like you though so I know he’ll be on your side no matter what you do,” said Alison. Sharon gave her a tight smile.

            “Thanks. I needed to get that off my chest. So does this count towards your study hours?” Teased Sharon and Alison rolled her eyes.

            “I can offer advice and listen to my friends without putting my nurse hat on. Actually I needed your help,” said Alison and she held up the dress. “I need it taken in a bit,” said Alison and Sharon grinned.

            “Ah yes that hot date this weekend. I assuming nice night out based on the dress,” said Sharon and Alison sighed.

“I figured I would try to make myself look nice since we’re going out. You’ve seen pictures of your aunt in the 40’s and I saw what my grandma looked like when she went out back then. Those girls did themselves up and well I would like to put the effort in,” said Alison.

“So is it dinner and play?” Asked Sharon pulling out her sewing machine.

“I’m taking him dancing,” said Alison heading to the bathroom to put the dress back on. Sharon was giving a look when she came back into the room.

“Where are you taking him? This dress doesn’t belong in raver nightclub,” said Sharon.

“No. I’m not taking him to a Jersey Shore nightclub. Have you heard of a group called New Vintage?” Asked Alison as Sharon pinned the dress.

“Don’t they do all the covers to sound like they can from the 1940’s and other eras on YouTube?” Asked Sharon and Alison nodded.

“I used to work weddings with the piano guy and they’re doing a small show here in New York before they go on tour. He was nice enough to slip me some tickets. I hoping Bucky will like it,” said Alison. She went back in the bathroom and carefully slipped out of the dress and handed it back to Sharon. A few minutes later Alison tried it back on and it was a much better fit than before.

She looked at herself in the mirror and was a bit hard to take in that she wasn’t the same person who had worn this dress a few months ago. The person who had been in the dress had been nervous to see her college friends again. People had treated her with kid gloves and seemed shocked that she was a functioning person again. That woman had made a decision to try to be part of her own life again after that night. The person looking back at her had people in her life that trusted her with their lives on more than one level. This person had someone who loved her despite her doubts that anyone would love her that way again. She hoped her grandfather and her parents would be proud of this person.

“I am not responsible for what happens when he sees in that dress,” said Sharon with a small smirk and Alison gave her a look. Well she wearing this dress and she was nervous at least that hadn’t changed.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Bucky sat Bailey down and went to get his own bag ready for tomorrow night. He still had his own room which he felt sort of silly having considering he spent all his time in Alison’s room anyway. He tossed jeans and a shirt in the bag for Sunday morning and then he just stared off. He was being stupid and he couldn’t understand why he felt so damn awkward. _I used to be good at this. I used to be an expert about taking girls out and now I can’t even put clothes together._ Part of him was tempted to let Alison pack his bag like she had done for Steve’s birthday and another part of him was annoyed that he considered taking the easy way out. He was free thinking adult trying to be in a relationship and he needed to get it together.

“Penny for your thoughts?” asked Natasha poking her head into his room from Alison’s room and Bucky nearly jumped. _God they trained her well,_ thought Bucky.

“Not sure if mine are worth the penny,” said Bucky and Natasha quickly took in what he was doing and shook her head.

“Overthink it and freaking out. Let’s see what you have,” said Natasha going over to his closet and flipping through shirts. “Here. Matches your eyes,” said Natasha handing him a dark blue dress shirt. “I don’t think you’ll need a tie, but no jeans. Maybe a jacket. Here,” said Natasha handing him a pair of black dress pants and a black dress jacket that must have been in the back of the closet.

“I didn’t even know these were in there,” said Bucky and Natasha shrugged.  

“Steve picked out some basics and I had Maria add a few things just in case,” said Natasha.

“Um...Thanks,” said Bucky feeling somewhat grateful someone had thought beyond jeans and tee shirts.

“When I left I only had the clothes on back and a couple of pistols. Barton and S.H.I.E.L.D took care of me until it was clear that I wasn’t going to jump back. You seem pretty set on staying here,” said Natasha with a small grin.

“It’s been good for me here,” said Bucky and Natasha nodded.

“It’s going to be fine and you’re going to have a nice night with her,” said Natasha in a tone that reminded him so much of Peggy he had to look at her to be sure.

“I’m going to try,” said Bucky.

“Do. Or do not. There is no try,” said Natasha and Bucky looked at her and Natasha grinned, “You still have a lot of catching up to do. Tell her you want to see Star Wars. Original. Not the prequels,” said Natasha.

“Right,” said Bucky a bit confused about what Star Wars he needed to see.

“I also brought her a copy of the Hydra files from the jump drive in case she wanted some more reading material. It looks to be a lot of the same though,” said Natasha and Bucky nodded.

“Maybe its best if I just let the last two decades be a blur,” said Bucky. He vaguely remember some missions and he remembered his very bad attempt at escaping, but everything else was hazy. Part of him wanted to remember and know what had happened to him and the other part wanted to shut the door and forget it for good this time.

“Sometimes we aren’t supposed to look back and it’s for the best that we don’t,” said Natasha lightly. She looked up and him and grinned. “So you really wanna go out with all that shaggy hair?” asked Natasha. Bucky made a face and ran a hand through his hair. It was really long now, past his shoulders and he was always pulling it back. He could remember handlers pulling it when they felt he was out of line. Others like Pierce and Lukin would stroke his hair in a mocking show of tenderness after they hurt him. He liked it when Alison would brush his hair back or pull on it when he kissed her. Still maybe he could do something with it.

“I guess I could trim it a bit,” said Bucky and Natasha sighed and gave him a look that was half annoyed and half amused.

“Come on. I’ll help you out,” said Natasha and she nudged him in the bathroom. She had him wash his hair while she went back to her room for a pair of scissors. She had him sit on the edge of his tub while she brushed his hair out before carefully measuring the length his hair and cutting it. She cut it so it was up to shoulders, long enough, but easy to manage.

“I could take off more if you want,” said Natasha. Bucky had seen how he had looked in old pictures at the museum, clean shaven and close cropped hair. Sometimes he would go a week without shaving just because he could. He wondered if what would happen if he let himself look like the old Bucky Barnes again.

“No, this is good for now. Thank you,” said Bucky. Natasha grinned and brushed the hair off him.

“Well I am impressed that you agreed to go on a date so soon. It took me almost two years of nagging Steve before he even took Sharon out for coffee. You are brave man,” Natasha leaned on the wall and looked at him. “So it’s going alright? No one is being shitty right?” asked Natasha and Bucky nodded.

“Well not to me anyway. Alison said one of the MD students Brice was giving her shit looks when she told Jenny about us. She also said Shawn was being sort of weird, but she said it could be the test at the end of the month making him nuts. She said David and the others had a pool about when we would finally stop being stupid with each other. She told me she felt sort of stupid for not putting it together sooner,” said Bucky.

“And what did you tell her?” asked Natasha.

“I told her we were both stupid in our own special way,” said Bucky and Natasha shook her head.

“You two weren’t being stupid, you were being careful about things. You wanted to be sure before you jumped. You’re good for each other,” said Natasha with a small smile. She pushed off the wall when she heard the door open in the next room.

“Really Bailey,” said Alison sounding torn between helpless and annoyed. They came out to see the dog had taken one of Alison’s high heels and had chewed it rather well. Bucky saw her lay a purple dress on the bed before taking the shoe away from the dog.

“We have a mountain of chew toys, but you opt for the shoes. I should just go to Goodwill and buy you cheap shoes to eat,” said Alison. Bailey simply rolled over and showed Alison her stomach and thumped her tail on the floor.

“Sorry. I should have taken her in with me,” said Bucky and Alison shook her head before turning to look at him. She looked a little stunned to see his hair cut.

“You look nice,” said Alison and Bucky shrugged.

“I won’t have to borrow your ponytail holders anymore,” said Bucky and Alison rolled her eyes while grinning.

“It was never an issue,” said Alison.

“At least he’ll fit in with the other Brooklyn hipsters now,” said Natasha eyeing Alison’s chewed up shoe. “I might have a pair like that back in my room. Come on,” said Natasha leading a slightly protesting Alison out of the room. _Your shoes are a lot nicer than mine_ , was the last thing Bucky heard before Natasha shut the door. Bucky grabbed the dog before she could jump on the dress.

“I think you’ve ruined enough things this afternoon,” said Bucky eyeing the dress. He really hoped he lived up to what she thought she was planning for.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Alison had managed to get an appointment in the afternoon with the doctor to look at her stitches and possible remove them depending on how clean the cut was healing. She carefully cleaned it and redressed as instructed. After seeing some horror show infections back in her hospital days she wasn’t taking any chances. Natasha had been sort of treating her with kid gloves this week during training so any slip ups wouldn’t come near her face and rip her stitches. Alison heard Wanda talking to Bucky in the next room, but couldn’t really make out what was being said. She finished getting dressed and saw Wanda had Bailey on her leash and Bailey was chewing on it.

            “I promise to take really good care of her,” said Wanda and she bent down to rub the dog’s ears.

            “We’ll be back tomorrow night. Just watch out for your shoes,” said Alison. She had quickly packed Natasha’s shoes in her overnight bag the second she came back to her room. Wanda smiled and then looked a bit ill at ease.

            “Um could we talk for a minute before you go?” asked Wanda. Bucky picked up his bag and her stuff off the bed.

            “I’ll meet you at the car,” said Bucky leaving the room. Alison sat down on the bed and Wanda sat in Alison’s chair and hugged Bailey.  Bailey settled in Wanda’s lap and let Wanda pet her head. Wanda didn’t seem to have an issue talking about what had happened to her or what she had done in the past, but letting go and forgiving herself was still a struggle and Alison knew how hard that could be. _How do you forgive yourself for helping to nearly end the world?_ Thought Alison.

            “I was thinking about talking to Dr. Banner this weekend...try to apologize to him for what I did him. I tried writing it down, but it gets all messed up,” said Wanda softly. Alison nodded in understanding. While Bruce hadn’t been hostile or outright cold to her, there was a tension between them that couldn’t be overlooked. If there was a chance they could work together than it needed to be clear between them.

            “It’s different with Steve and Natasha,” said Wanda. “Natasha came from a bad place like I did and now she’s making things right. Steve knows what it’s like to be confused about what’s right because of Bucky...with Dr. Banner. I can’t explain it...I just need to make it right somehow,” said Wanda.

            “You do understand that no matter how sincere you are that he might need time to process and forgive you?” asked Alison.

            “I do, but it’s a step in the right direction. I can’t pretend I didn’t do something wrong. If Bucky can try to make things right so can I,” said Wanda. Alison nodded and felt an odd sense of pride in Wanda. She had come so far in such a short amount of time and refused to give up.

            “He’s nervous you know,” said Wanda and Alison raised an eyebrow. Wanda was used to reading people without thinking or reading people to get something she wanted. It was a habit she was trying to break and she had been getting better at it. “It was very loud...he’s a very loud thinker when it comes to you,” said Wanda and her ears turned a bit pink.

            “Do you want me to talk to him?” asked Alison wanting to spare Wanda any further embarrassment and Wanda shook her head.  

            “No. He’s not as loud as he used to be. When he first came here it sort of hurt to be near him because his thoughts were so loud and jumbled. It was like being a room filled with televisions and they kept changing and the volume was all the way up. He’s calm with you and sometimes it scares him...how good it is for him,” said Wanda. “I didn’t mean to pry, but it was clanging in his head while I was waiting for you,” admitted Wanda.

            “I’m not mad at you for telling me or that you heard him. Sometimes it’s just hard for people to understand that they should have something good in their lives. He still has a lot to work through in that area,” said Alison. She really should see about getting him a new doctor to work through the things she really couldn’t help with anymore.

            “If you need to talk to me I’ll have my cell with me,” said Alison and Wanda laughed.

            “No. You need a break and this is really important to him. I can talk when you come back,” said Wanda. Bailey started wiggling in Wanda’s lap and she rubbed the dog’s head. Alison grabbed her purse and rubbed the dog’s head.

            “No shoe eating and be a good girl,” said Alison. They left the room and Alison went to the garage while Wanda went to settle the dog in her room. Alison was good about keeping her thoughts quiet which made it easy for Wanda to talk to her, but for one moment Wanda had heard Alison when she thought about Bucky. When she had told Alison that Bucky was scared about how good it was for him it came into Wanda’s head clear as a bell. _It scares me too, how much I love him._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

            Bucky was about to put their things in Alison’s car when Steve came over and grinned a little.

            “Had I know a date would get you to do something with your hair I would have given Alison the all clear months ago,” said Steve and he eyed her car. “I will never understand her love for this little blue toy car,” said Steve.

            “She said it gets good gas mileage,” said Bucky. He couldn’t understand her love for it either. It sat too low for his liking and he felt like a giant in it. Steve shook his head and handed Bucky an envelope.

            “Just a few things you might need,” said Steve as Bucky opened the envelope and pulled out a wallet, a driver’s license, another black plastic card with his name a logo that read MasterCard and a set of keys.

            “Maria might have a fudged a few details on the license for now. At least if you and Alison go out and you need ID you have some,” said Steve. Bucky looked at the ID and saw that had his date birth as March 10th 1984 and he had no idea where they got the picture, but it’s passable.

            “If I knew what you two were doing tonight I would have given you cash, but Maria just laughed at me. The card is like having a bunch of cash,” said Steve when Bucky studied the black card. “You’re on the staff now and your first week of pay is on it, plus back pay from the SSR and SHIELD,” said Steve and Bucky gave him a look.

            “What back pay from the SSR and SHIELD? For the stuff I did for Hydra?” asked Bucky confused and Steve quickly shook his head.

            “The money we sent home to Becca was from the Army, but the SSR had us doing special missions and according to the paperwork they would have paid us when we got home. Based on what we did they would have offered us jobs or we could have stayed enlisted. Maria calculated what you were owed if you would have stayed in a government job plus interest,” said Steve.

            “So a couple thousand,” said Bucky. Alison had given him a brief crash course in how money had changed over the years, but it still didn’t make a lot of sense.

            “Try half million,” said Steve softly and Bucky just looked at card and back to Steve and shook his head.

            “That’s not right...I shouldn’t have this,” said Bucky. He hadn’t done anything to earn this money and it was more than his former broke Brooklyn self could handle.

            “Yes you did. It’s what you would have earned if you had come home as planned. I know it’s a bit overwhelming, but you should have it,” said Steve and Bucky shoved the card and license into the wallet.

            “It just feels odd is all,” said Bucky and Steve grabbed his shoulder.

            “I know. I felt weird when SHIELD cut me a check for all my ‘back pay’. I tried giving some to Becca and she wouldn’t have any of it. A lot of it is still just collecting in the bank,” said Steve and Bucky raised an eyebrow.

            “You mean it isn’t under a mattress?” asked Bucky recalling how they used to hide their money under Becca’s bed. After coming out of the Depression you didn’t trust anyone in a suit with your money.

            “It’s really frowned upon,” said Steve grin.

            “So I guess this means I can actually take her out,” said Bucky.

            “Let her treat you this one time or it might drive her crazy. Besides you’re driving,” said Steve nodding his head at the keys and pointing to one of the cars they kept in reserve. It was a plain black four door sedan, but it was roomier than Alison’s car. Bucky looked down at the floor and swallowed hard.

            “It’s still weird at times how nice you are to me,” said Bucky and Steve’s grip on his shoulder tightened up.

            “If you were in my shoes, you would do the same for me...maybe even more,” said Steve. “You deserve this more than anyone I know,” said Steve swallowing his own lump in his throat. Bucky looked at him and he could almost see the skinny kid again. They were two men out of time and trying to find their place in it again. _He really did need me. He needed a friend,_ thought Bucky.

            “You’re still a punk,” said Bucky trying to ease the tension and Steve gave him a small grin.

            “And you’re still a jerk,” said Steve. Bucky went and put their things in the sedan and he saw Alison get off the elevator.

            “So are we doubling after all? I can see about getting another set of tickets,” said Alison teasing. Steve shook his head.

            “I think the first date should be a private affair. I might take you up on the double next time,” said Steve and he hugged Alison lightly. “Have a good time and don’t let his driving scare you,” said Steve and he headed up. Alison went to open her car door only to have Bucky reach it first and open it for her.

            “Do guys still open doors?” asked Bucky and she got in the car.

            “Only the really awesome ones,” said Alison and Bucky shut the door and went around to the driver’s side. She squeezed his hand lightly before he started the car and drove off.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Natasha watched as they drove off and a small smile crossed her face. She had made the right choice in keeping her secret. She went back to her run and wondered if he would ever remember meeting her. Not in Iran on the strip of desert when he shot her, but in the Red Room where he had trained her.

She hadn’t outright lied to him when she said she had been told about him when she was girl, but after the Graduation they had deemed her special enough to know a truth. That one day Russia would rise again and they had the best weapons for when that day came. They brought her into a room and there he stood-The Winter Soldier. Dressed in black and looking so stern it frightened her a bit. She trained with him for a month and he was the most ruthless teacher she had ever had. He pushed her hard, but she loved the challenge of it. One afternoon they were training and he had her pinned and she went to flip him off her when he went slack and something in his eyes went hazy.

“Do I know you?” he asked. “You have eyes like her,” said the Soldier and his gripped tightened and Natasha could feel his body responding. He kissed her and Natasha was too stunned for a moment to get him off her. The kiss was hard and demanding, yet desperate and needy. Like he was looking for something and he could find it if he held on to her. Natasha kissed him back and wrapped her legs around his waist before she flipped them over and grabbed his arms.

“I’m not her,” said Natasha and he looked confused. “I can be whatever you want though,” said Natasha. That was what she had been trained for. To be whatever they told her be. Was this a test of some sort? She felt something for him though and the lost look in his eyes dug at the iron in her.

“She...she…” muttered the Soldier and Natasha kissed him again. She wanted him and he flipped her over and peeled off her clothes while she fought with his. It was quick and almost painful on the floor of the training room. He muttered the whole time about her green eyes and that he was sorry. Natasha got the handlers when it was done and he looked puzzled as they took him away and she didn’t see him again until Iran. She had felt something for him in that moment and she shoved it away for it was weakness and she was made a marble.

Natasha had thought about telling Steve what had happened and it had been documented in the file she found for him. No. it was private and no one needed to know. She burned the notes with that encounter and everything after. She had for that brief moment in time loved him. Loved his ruthlessness, the power and control he seemed to have. He was perfect in his training and she wanted that perfection. Maybe he had loved her too in that moment, she wouldn’t ask though. He didn’t seem to remember her at all and Natasha didn’t blame him for not remember what had happened between them. Somethings were best forgotten. Besides it wasn’t her he had been looking for. He had been looking for someone like Alison. Someone who could see beyond the ruthlessness and power to who he really was. _He does seem to have a thing for green eyes,_ thought Natasha with amusement.

Bucky was gone over Alison and it did make her happy. While love hadn’t worked out for her, she wasn’t bitter about people finding it. In some ways she was the biggest romantic of them all. She just hid it well...well she hid everything well. She looked up to see Bruce doing yoga on his balcony and sighed a bit. She had seen beyond the Hulk and yet it hadn’t been enough. Maybe that was what had hurt her the most when he left, that she had seen so much of him and she had let him see who she. Natasha finished her run and went to stretch out and looked up to see Bruce sitting still with his eyes closed. _Maybe there is still more I haven’t seen,_ thought Natasha.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            It felt a bit odd to be in the passenger seat while Bucky drove. Alison had gotten used to driving him if they went somewhere together. He looked so serious and was gripping the wheel tightly with his right hand. Alison put her hand on his leg and squeezed lightly.

            “Are you alright?” asked Alison.

            “I’m used to the motorcycle and I’ve flown a jet before, but I’m still a bit nervous about driving a car. Stupid right?” asked Bucky and Alison blinked.

            “You flew a jet?” asked Alison a bit stunned and she could see Bucky cringe a bit.

            “It’s a long story, but yeah I flew a jet,” said Bucky and Alison nodded understanding that he needed a subject change.

            “So are you going to see Becca while I get these out?” asked Alison indicating her stitches. Bucky shrugged and Alison squeezed his leg a bit harder. “What’s going on up there?” asked Alison and Bucky gave her a sidelong glance.

            “I really want this to go well,” said Bucky and Alison nodded before he went on. “I just...I’m nervous,” said Bucky finally.

            “I’m sort of nervous too,” Alison admitted. She had popped an extra pill this morning to settle her nerves. Something she hadn’t done in months.

            “I haven’t done this in decades and I know how it was with you and Matt and…”

            “Don’t compare yourself to Matt,” said Alison softly. Bucky’s shoulders sagged a bit and Alison mentally kicked herself for not seeing this sooner. _He’s in a contest with what he thinks I want,_ thought Alison “Pull over,” said Alison and Bucky did. He looked worried and Alison took his face in her hands.

            “I don’t know if I’ve already asked this, but I’m going to now and I really need you to this for me. Don’t compete with Matt. You aren’t going to let yourself win,” said Alison and he looked down. She waited until he looked at her again. His eyes were clouded with confusion and she went on

“I’m not going to lie to you, I did love him. I loved him very much. I loved him so much that I couldn’t see anything after him. I didn’t think there could be anything after him. It took me a long time to let that go and you’re one of the many reasons I can let him go and be okay,” said Alison kissing Bucky’s forehead.

“Stupid right?” asked Bucky and Alison kissed him again lightly on the mouth.

“Not stupid. I know when I talk about Matt I tend to gloss over the less than perfect stuff, but he had his faults too and well it took me awhile to remember that stuff too when I was letting him go,” said Alison.

“Did he snore too?” asked Bucky and Alison laughed a bit.

“He was always running late. He would eat the good leftovers and leave the dishes in the sink for me to clean up after I got off the shift. I couldn’t stand some of his friends. There was that annoying habit of teasing me about how my parents named me after an Elvis Costello song. Really it got very annoying. I’m sure that I had things that annoyed him too. I overthink everything, I snore, I shed,” said Alison holding up some of her hair. “He was a big part in my life and letting him go was hard. I did let him go and you aren’t a stand in for him. I love you because you’re you. Please don’t try to be him,” said Alison.

Bucky pressed his face into her hand and he kissed her hand. He leaned forward and kissed her hard. Alison still had her seatbelt on which was what stopped him from pulling her over to him. He pulled away and looked a little annoyed.

“I don’t know why I needed to hear that,” said Bucky and Alison shrugged.

“Sometimes you just need to hear the oblivious. I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner,” said Alison.

“You aren’t a mind reader and I didn’t say anything sooner. I just…” Alison took off her seatbelt, leaned over and kissed him slowly.

“Just nothing. Now that we got that out of the way do you mind if I turn on some music for this little road trip?” asked Alison. She puts on a mix of U2 she has on her phone as Bucky starts driving again. _I really hope you understand how much I want you to be you,_ thought Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Alison tells him she’ll be fine at the doctor’s alone and that she can grab a cab to head back to the apartment. She gives him a spare key and encourages him to go see Becca or to just go to the apartment and relax a bit. They don’t have to be anywhere until six. She gives him a quick kiss before going into the doctor’s office. Bucky shakes his head before pulling back into traffic. _Normal. She treats you like you’re normal and I wonder if I’ll ever get used to it._ Bucky eased back into traffic and fought the urge to pull the driver of the car behind him out of his car for honking at him. _I can’t go if no one else is going._ He had driven into the city on his motorcycle, but being stuck in car was a new level of annoyance. _Everyone seems to lose their minds once they get in a car,_ thought Bucky. He parked in the garage, grabbed their things and headed upstairs to the apartment.

            Bucky studied the apartment since he really hadn’t noticed the changes Alison had made since she rented it out. The living room was less cluttered and the walls were painted white. A few random art prints hang on the wall to give the room some color. Her old bedroom had also been repainted white and the queen bed had been made up with pale blue sheets and a pale blue comforter. Bucky sits their bags on the bed and swallows hard.

He was so damn nervous about being with her it was making his head hurt. No girl...no woman had ever gotten him so damn twitchy before. It was damn near impossible to keep the wanting under control.  Bucky took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. He decided to go for a walk before he drove himself crazy. Bucky jotted a quick note to Alison that he had gone for walk and would be back. Heading outside he started walking the path Steve had taken him on a few months ago. He can recall even more memories now that he can think clearly. _Steve got into a fight down that alley and almost needed stitches for the cut on face. Becca would wait for us here when we got into high school._ Bucky pauses when he gets to the apartment building that used to be home. The crowd isn’t so large for a Saturday afternoon and he decides to give the actual tour a chance.

It’s free on Saturday so they let him go up and the group is very small and they’re speaking in Dutch as they look around. The tour guy is a short older man and Bucky is somewhat impressed and terrified that he knows so much about how they lived here and what it had been like for them. It wasn’t a very long tour-really how much could you get out of two rooms and a living area? The guide lets them look around some more and Bucky drifted towards his old bedroom and he could still feel the draft from the window that never seemed to shut right. During the summers it had been so hot he welcomed the draft. _He slept in just his underwear because it was so damn hot. He would have slept in nothing if his mother hadn’t pleaded with him to keep something on in case there was a fire._

“Are you alright sir?” asked the tour guide.

“Just feeling a little overwhelmed is all,” said Bucky and the guide nodded.

“It does feel odd to be so close to a piece of history like this,” said the guide and Bucky sighed. It was his past that he was looking at and it was both odd and overwhelming. _I love you, because you’re you_ and Bucky believed her. She knew him almost as well as Steve did and she still loved him. After years of being lied to and used he somehow stumbled across someone who could love him knowing what he had been. Bucky eased out of his old room and looked around the living room and smiled thinking about how his mother wanted to meet all the girls he took out. _You would have liked this one Ma. She has a good heart,_ thought Bucky before leaving the apartment.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

            There is a faint red line running from Alison’s ear to her chin and Bucky ran his thumb over the line. The skin was slightly raised and he frowned a bit at how she had been hurt when he had only been a few feet away.

            “It should fade away and after a while you won’t even know it’s there,” said Alison taking his free left hand in hers. She could see the annoyance in his face and knows to head it off.

            “It doesn’t hurt anymore?” asked Bucky. It had hurt her a bit to sleep on her left side since the cut was on the left side of her face.

            “No. It itches which is a good sign. It means it’s healing the way it should,” said Alison. “I’m sorry it took so long. The patient before me was a kid who got burned on a stove and she needed a lot of attention,” said Alison.

“No it’s fine. I’ll let you take your shower first,” said Bucky. It was past four and all she would tell him about the date is that that they needed be ready by six. Alison nodded and went down the hall to grab her things. Bucky heard the shower turn on and wondered if Alison would be upset if he joined her. He had thought about it a lot, but had never acted on it. _You don’t just walk in on a lady,_ thought Bucky. He took a deep breath and try to settle down. _You’ve waited this long, what’s a little more waiting?_ The shower shut off and Alison called out to him.

“I’m going to get ready in the bedroom and I put your stuff in the bathroom.”

“Thank you,” said Bucky and he heard the bedroom door shut. He took the coldest shower he could stand to settle his nerves. Once he finished he shaved and managed to not cut himself. He got dressed and pulled a glove on so it covered most of his hand. He was a bit too skinny in the face and he really should have cut his hair more, but he almost looked like the guy from 1944.

“We can do this,” muttered Bucky. He went across the hall and tapped on the door.

“I’m almost ready,” called Alison and he heard a muttered cursing has something fell with a thud. “Few more minutes,” she called out sounding annoyed.

“It’s alright. Take as long as you need,” said Bucky and he went back down to wait in the living room. He wiped his damp palms on a throw blanket before going to look out the window and he watched people rush by. _We can do this if you just settle down,_ thought Bucky.

“Sorry it took a bit,” said Alison. Bucky turned around and nearly lost his breath. The purple dress simply clung to her, showing off the curves he was getting used to touching. It didn’t show off a lot, but it was enough to make you want to guess about what she was hiding. The heels are modest from what he had seen other women wear, but it gives her a few inches so he won’t have to bend down so far to kiss her. Her hair is pulled up into some braided bun and the make-up hides most of the scar. She’s also put the dog tags on a smaller thinner chain. He had only seen her take them off for swimming or training and Bucky gives her a nervous smile. He hasn’t taken his off since she gave them back.

“You look really nice,” said Alison.

“You too,” said Bucky going over to her. She takes his left hand and he can feel himself relax. _It’s going to be alright,_ thought Bucky.

“So what the hell did you drop?” asked Bucky and Alison laughs.

“Can of hairspray. I wanted to make sure it stayed put,” said Alison pointing at the bun. Bucky leans down and kisses her cheek before wrapping his arms around her and kissing her slowly on the mouth. Alison simply pulls him in closer and kisses him back until they’re both almost breathless.

“Do you want to go out?” asked Alison and he smirks.

“It would be a shame to waste that dress,” said Bucky. Alison shakes her 

head and picks up her purse.

“Come on. We’re getting pizza first,” said Alison.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

            Bruce is hunched over a piece of radio equipment that one of the cadets had broken when there is a soft knock on the lab door. He looks up to see Wanda is standing there nervously holding a plate of some sort.

            “Can I come in?” she asks softly. Bruce is a bit stunned to see her there and shrugs to indicate she can come in. She comes in and sits the plate down and Bruce can see it’s a plate of brownies.

            “I heard they were your favorite,” said Wanda. Bruce eyes them and goes back to the radio. “What are you working on?” asked Wanda.

“Radio. B team broke it,” said Bruce and Wanda nodded. She sat on a stool and fiddled with a part. “I’m sort of busy,” said Bruce. It wasn’t that he hated her. She had fought with them against Ultron and he figured if she was good enough for Steve’s new team she must have some redeeming quality. He just couldn’t seem to let go of what had happened in Africa. She had brought out the worst part of who he was and everyone had seen it.

“I just...I’m sorry. For what happened before and how I hurt you,” said Wanda quickly. Bruce looks at her and she starts fiddling with a ring on her hand. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I wanted you know that I know now what I did was wrong. I didn’t know it at the time, but I do now and if I could undo it somehow I would,” said Wanda. She looked up and her dark brown eyes were clear and her face was a mask of resolve.

“Is that supposed to fix what happened?” asked Bruce sitting down his tool.

“No. I just wanted you to know where I stand. I know you might not ever really forgive me or trust me and its fair considering what I did. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to at fix all the damage I did and that includes what I did to you ,” said Wanda. She got off the stool and left the room quickly.

Bruce stared after before he shook his and picked up his tool. He knew Alison had been counseling her and wondered how much this apology was a part of the therapy or had Wanda come on her own. He eyed the brownies and was about to throw them out when Natasha spoke up,

“Those have mint in them and they are amazing,” said Natasha. She came into the lab and sat down. Bruce sat the plate down and Natasha took a brownie. Bruce went back to the radio while Natasha polished off three more brownies.  

“I have to give her a little bit more respect. She was quicker with her apology to you than I was,” said Natasha and Bruce almost dropped the radio. He looked at Natasha and she had that same look she had given him back at the Barton farm when she told him what happened to her. It pulled at him and Natasha sighed.

“It’s not easy you know. To open up and let someone in when you’ve been told it was weakness your whole life. It just felt so easy with you and I really don’t know why. I would have gone with you if you had let me,” said Natasha. Bruce sat the radio down and looked at her.

“You don’t run away from a fight. You never will and I’m sure that’s what I adore about you,” said Bruce. “We would always be running from a fight and you wouldn’t be happy. I want you to be happy Nat,” said Bruce.

He knew her and she walked headlong into the fight, hell she had been the one to come and get him for the team. A lesser agent, a lesser woman would have run in terror away. Not Natasha though, she had talked calmly to him and pulled a gun on him without missing a heartbeat. Maybe that’s when he started to fall for her. Fell for someone who was the bravest person he had ever met

“There is always something or someone worth giving up everything for. I was shitty to you when you came back. It wasn’t right and I want you know whenever you want to run, I’ll be ready,” said Natasha. She took another brownie before leaving his lab. Bruce sighed and went back to the radio. He eyed the brownies before taking one and eating it. She was right they were amazing. Bruce wondered what else she was right about.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Bucky was sure he had been here for a dance before the war started. Alison took him up a flight of stairs and Bucky could hear the music coming from down the hall where there was a ballroom. His grip tightened on Alison’s hand has he looked around and took the stairs in and the huge front desk where Alison had asked for her tickets.

            “Are you alright?” asked Alison. She looked up him nervously and she squeezed his hand.

            “I think I might have been here before,” said Bucky and Alison nodded and looked down the hall to the ballroom where the music was coming from before looking back up at him.

            “If you don’t feel comfortable being here we can go,” said Alison. Bucky looked down the hall and shook his head,

            “I haven’t gone dancing since 1943,” said Bucky and Alison nodded.

            “We don’t have to dance. We could just listen to the music. Or anything else you want to do,” said Alison. He ran his hand down her arm and looked back down the hall. The music sounded like something he might have heard before and he looked back to Alison. She looked so nervous and Bucky thought about how she must have thought he would like this. She wouldn’t have brought him here unless she thought he would have a good time.

“We won’t have to do that stupid clutch and sway thing will we?” asked Bucky and Alison grinned.

            “No,” said Alison. Bucky draped an arm around her waist the way he would have done with any girl he took out and nodded.

            “Lead the way,” said Bucky. They went down the hall and towards the ballroom. Alison gave their tickets to a man in a black suit who took them over to a small table off to the side of dance floor. Bucky looked around to see some of the couples were dressed for a night out the way he and Alison were dressed. Other couples seem to be wearing clothes he would have seen at a USO dance. He looked to the stage and saw the band was dressed in black suits also and a woman with long black hair in loose curls and wearing in a red dress was singing.

 

            _Oh won’t you stay with me_

_Because you're all I need_

_This ain’t love it’s clear to see_

_But darling stay with me._

 

“Have I heard this before?” asked Bucky.

“The band is called New Vintage. They take songs from now and redo them to sound like they were done back in day. I thought it would be fun...it’s sort of how we are,” said Alison “The best of both times,” said Alison. A waiter came and took their drink order. Bucky ordered a whiskey neat and Alison ordered a rum and coke. She looked around the room and grinned.

“The worst wedding I ever played was in this ballroom,” said Alison and Bucky looked at her as her grin got bigger. “The bride and the mother of the groom ended up in a catfight after the mother of the groom gave a speech that was nothing but thinly veiled insults at the bride and her whole family. The groom tried to break them up and he ended up falling into the cake table and wearing the three tiered chocolate cake. The police were called and we all had to give statements and then they stiffed us on the bill. Saying since we didn’t play for the whole reception we didn’t deserve our full fee. Sophia wanted to sue, but Renee just wanted to forget the whole thing. She dubbed it the White Trash Wedding,” said Alison. Bucky couldn’t help but grin at her and Alison raised an eyebrow.

“What?” she asked. The waiter sat down their drinks and Bucky took a sip of his whiskey before speaking.

“It’s just you don’t talk a lot about your life. We’ve talked about my life in great detail and we talk about things I’ve missed over the last couple of decades, but you don’t talk about yourself a lot. Not unless I ask first most of the time,” said Bucky and Alison turned a bit pink.

“Part of it’s a bit of holdover from being your nurse and well I guess its part nerves too. I have this stupid idea that I’m going to say something stupid or that I’m going to bore you and…”  

“I need boring after the life I’ve had,” said Bucky and he pulled his chair closer to her. “Not that you’re boring, but you’ve had a sort of normal life and I wouldn’t mind knowing what that was like.”  Alison put her head on his shoulder and grinned.

“I once got a ton of free drinks for being able to sing Selena songs in almost perfect Spanish when I was in college on spring break in Mexico,” said Alison and he looked down at her with a bemused expression.

“How many free drinks?” asked Bucky.

“I might have shut the bar down that night,” said Alison. Another song started up and it was another slow number. _It’s a waltz. Ma taught me how to waltz,_ thought Bucky. Bucky downed his drink, stood and held out his hand to Alison.

“Think you can keep up with me?” he asked teasing. Alison took his hand and shrugged.

“We’ll have to see,” said Alison and she followed him out to the dance floor. He put his left hand on her lower back and took her other hand in his and started to lead her.

 

_Some boys take a beautiful girl_

_And hide her away from the rest of the world_

_I want to be the one to walk in the sun_

_Oh girls just want to have fun._

_Oh girls just want to have fun._

 

“Not half bad,” teased Bucky as he spun her away before pulling her back Alison grinned as the song faded out.

“Well the old man taught me to waltz and I used to go salsa dancing, so I’m not totally clueless on how to dance,” said Alison. The next number started up and it was a bit faster and he couldn’t help but smirk. He remembered how he used to be when he went dancing. It felt so right and he could really show her who he used to be before.

            “Let’s step it up than,” said Bucky. He pulled her close and lead her into a doing the Lindy Hop. Alison let a quick little shriek before trying her best to keep up with him.

 

_Cause you got that James Dean daydream look in his eye_

_And I got that red lip classic thing that you like_

_And we go crashing down we come back every time_

_Cause we never go out of style_

_We never go out of style_

Despite her best efforts her hair ended up falling out the bun and it just hangs around her face. It fell out after he flips her over his shoulder effortlessly. She wasn’t expecting the flip or her hair to fall in her face so she missteps and ends up falling on her butt..

“Are you alright?” asked Bucky sounding worried and pulling her up while she’s laughing.

“I only hurt my pride,” said Alison tucking her hair back. He shakes his head and tucks more hair behind her ears. Something about the gesture sends a thrill up her spine and she wraps her arms around his neck to pull herself closer.

“At least I can slow dance. You might have to teach me the rest,” said Alison.

“I would like that,” said Bucky. He means it as he settles both hands on her waist for another slow dance.

They danced until almost midnight. She learned quick enough how to Lindy hop, but he did slow down to allow her to keep up with him. At times he even forgets how the serum improved his speed and reflexes. She did her best though and when they leave the hotel chilly fall air hits them hard. Alison pulls on her jacket and brushes her sweat dampened hair back. Bucky hunches into his jacket. He can’t stand being cold and Alison wraps an arm around his waist and leans into him.

“Come on,” said Alison and they walk through the parking lot to the car. She quickly turns the heat on for him to full blast.

“I had fun,” said Alison. Her eyes are so bright and filled with fun it hits him in the gut. He missed being looked at like that and didn’t realized he missed it till just now.

“Are you hungry? I’m starving.  I think there is a French cafe a few blocks from here that has really good hot chocolate and…”

“Would it be alright if we headed back to the apartment? There’s something I want to show you,” said Bucky and Alison looks a little puzzled.

“Alright,” said Alison and they drive back to Brooklyn. It’s quiet in the car and Bucky lets his left hand settle on her leg. They pull into the garage and park, but when Alison goes to head inside, Bucky grabs her hand and looks at her.

“It’s a few blocks from here,” said Bucky and she looks so puzzled he kisses her forehead. “I’ll explain when we get there,” said Bucky. Alison leans against him as they walk and he wraps his arm around her.  When they get to the museum that used to be his apartment Alison raises an eyebrow.

“Visit hours are way past over,” said Alison and he tugs her down the alleyway.  

“Trust me,” said Bucky. He goes up the fire escape and Alison follows wondering if Steve will bail them out for breaking and entering. Bucky makes quick work of the alarm system and they go inside vie the roof. Bucky leads Alison to his former home and she smiles a bit looking around.

“I don’t think I’ve been here since I was in grade school for a class trip,” said Alison and Bucky laughs.

“So do you need the grand tour?” asked Bucky.

“I wouldn’t say no,” said Alison. She went to say something else when Bucky’s arms circled around her and he bent down and kissed. He slid his tongue over her lips and into her mouth when she parted her lips for him. Alison can hear the plates shifting in his arm and she can feel the metal hand pressing hard into her lower back. Alison wraps her arms around him and winds his hair through her fingers to pull him closer to her.

“I needed you to come here. I wanted to show where I came from,” said Bucky when he pulled away from her slowly. “It’s not much, but I was happy here. You make me happy like I was before,” said Bucky. Alison pulls him back and his hands settle on her waist and he likes the feel of the dress under his hands. He lets his hands creep up her back before his right hand settles in her hair and the left runs back down her back.

“Can we...can we be here?” asked Bucky and she nods slightly before she starts kissing him and he starts pulling her towards his old bedroom. Alison ends the kiss and starts unbuttoning his shirt while Bucky tries to find the zipper on her dress.

“How the hell did you get this on?” he mutters while shrugging off his shirt. Alison takes a step back and carefully unhooked the back of the dress before pulling the zipper down half way.  Alison comes back over to him and she presses her lips to where his skin meets the metal of his arm. Bucky sucks in a breath and Alison pauses.

“Did it hurt?” she asked and Bucky shook his head.

“It’s just different is all. I like it,” he said and Alison pressed another kiss to the seam. She can taste him mixed with the iron and she pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

“With the serum...you recover faster,” said Alison pressing another kiss to his chest and then another. “Care to find out how fast?” asked Alison teasing. Her fingers skimmed over his sides feeling his muscle and slight shiver from how chilly the room is. She’s so warm though he doubts he’ll be bothered by the draft coming in.

“Please,” said Bucky and Alison starts kissing his chest and running her hands down his back. His eyes are closed and his head is slightly thrown back as her lips and hands work her way over his body. Alison still can’t get over at times how hard his body his, how he’s scared in some places and completely unblemished others. She kisses every inch of him she can and feeling his body react to her actions is its own private thrill.  His breathing is getting shallow and she works his belt off and pants down and  Alison has to get on her knees to keep going.

Bucky looks down at her through half closed eyes and watches as she pulls his boxers down and starts kissing his thighs. She takes his member in her hand and gives it a few strokes before licking a bead of cum off the tip.

“Ally,” hisses Bucky and before he can get another word out her mouth is taking him. Bucky nearly cries out the second her tongue touches his cock. Her tongue is swirling around him and her hand is stroking what she can’t take or isn’t ready for yet. Heat. So much heat after being cold for so long and he can’t believe he’s having this right now.  

Alison stops stroking him to settle her hands on his hips and she hums a little has she takes all of him in her mouth and Bucky lets out a cry as his tip meets the back of her throat. Bucky simply stands there as she moves his hips in time with her head bobbing up and down on him.

“Baby,” whispers Bucky and he settles his right hand on her head and weaves his fingers through her hair. His left hand presses against the wall and he moans softly as she runs her tongue on the underside of his member and hums again sending his system into frenzy. He pulls her hair back and begins to thrust into mouth. Alison doesn’t fight him and Bucky can feel one hand cupping his balls and squeezing lightly while the other hand grips his ass. _Pleasure. I forgot how good this could be,_ thought Bucky pulling Alison’s hair a bit trying to get her off him.

“I’m going to finish,” muttered Bucky. Alison starts sucking him harder and hums again. She presses her tongue hard to the underside of his cock and the climax hits Bucky and he watches as she swallows his release. She sucks him slowly through his orgasm and he is shaking when it’s done. Alison wipes her mouth with the back of her hand before she stands up shaking a little too.

“I wasn’t sure you would like that,” said Alison softly and Bucky’s dark blue eyes lock on her in surprise. He quickly kicks off his shoes and pulls Alison close to him.

            “I really liked it,” breathed Bucky and he kisses her. He can taste himself on her lips and it’s another thing that is different and makes him want her even more. He pulls the zipper the rest of the way down and helps Alison step out of her dress and she kicks the heels off. His breath catches once again to see her in the black lacy undergarments. Bucky licks his lips to see her wearing stockings attached to a garter belt.

            “You...do you have any idea how beautiful you look right now?” asked Bucky running his hands over her body.

            “No,” said Alison honestly and it’s barely a second later he has her pinned to the wall and he’s unfastening the bra. His mouth licks and sucks at her breasts while his right hand goes between her legs to find she’s already wet for him. He slides a finger inside and her whole body shudders

            “I thought about you all the time. Drove me crazy,” said Bucky pressing kisses down her body the way she done for him. “I used to touch myself and think about what it would be like to have you,” said Bucky. He slips another finger inside her while his other hand undoes the stockings. Alison moans and grips his shoulders while he strokes her.

            “This is better than what I dreamed of,” said Bucky. He eases the fingers out of her and Alison cries out before Bucky kisses her. He slides the underwear and stockings down before pulling her over to his bed and laying her down. Bucky goes back to kissing her body and working his way down. Bucky watches her fist the sheets and her pulse throb as he goes lower. Alison parts her legs for him when he gets to her hips and he smirks before kissing her inner thigh. She wanted him just as badly has he wanted her. Bucky can feel himself getting hard again and decides to wait a bit longer.

            Bucky pushes her legs apart a little further to accommodate his shoulders before sliding his tongue inside her. Alison cries out and lets her hands tangle in his hair has he licks circles on clit. He slides two fingers back inside her while taking her with his mouth.

            “James,” breathes Alison. She starts rocking her body against his fingers and he keeps using his mouth and tongue on her with a ruthless sort of patience. He can feel her whole body tensing under him and it gets him even harder to know she’s coming undone for him. Bucky grips her hip with his left hand and clamps his mouth on her clit and circles her harder with his tongue. Alison can’t seem to catch her breath before the orgasm hits her and she would bucked her hips if he wasn’t holding down with his left arm.

            Alison can’t seem to stop shaking as she comes down and Bucky pulls her close and he kisses forehead. Her green eyes are wide as she looks at him and she kisses him on the lips. Alison adjust her body and pulls him back on top of her.

            “You called me James,” said Bucky running his hands down her sides and she kisses him again.

            “Just felt like it,” said ‘Alison softly. Bucky brushes her hair back before adjusting himself on her. She’s still shaking a bit and their eyes lock has he pushes himself inside her. Alison wraps her legs around his waist and he buries himself inside herself with a moan. It takes a moment for both of them to adjust to what they’re feeling before Alison moves her hips against his and runs her hands down his back.

“I trust you,” said Alison and Bucky wonders how she knew he needed to hear that before he starts setting a pace she can take. It’s slow at first and it’s Alison who tells him it’s a alright if he wants to go a little faster and she moves under him with such ease taking him a little deeper inside her he cums a little. She gives him his look of understanding and wanting. Bucky pulls her legs around him tighter and begins to take her the way he had wanted for so long. His thrusts are quick and hard while she moves under him to take him deeper. Alison is moaning and he can feel her nails digging into his back. Bucky grabs her hands, pulls them over her head and pins them down. He can feel her tightening around him when he does that and she moans shamelessly as the second orgasm hits her. Bucky can’t hold back anymore and when he does cum he barely aware he’s shaking now and muttering things in Russian. Alison lets out a soft moan has he climaxes and she kisses him deeply.

“I love you,” mutters Bucky burying his head in her hair and trying to catch his breath. Alison sighs  and strokes his hair while trying to get some sense back. _Best date I’ve had in a long time,_ thought Alison unaware that the same thought is going through Bucky’s mind.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            “Where did you get this one?” asked Bucky trailing his fingers on a scar Alison had on her right side.

            “Appendix. I had it taken it out when I was eight,” said Alison half asleep. They were back at the apartment curled up in bed. They had each other again the second they got into the bed together. He had been slower with her and he was worried she had enjoyed it as much since she didn’t climax the way she had before. She told him it was fine, that she was just a little worn out from before. He knew he should let her sleep, but he couldn’t sleep. Everything in him was awake and he traced another scar that was on her left side.

            “This one?” asked Bucky once again trailing his fingers over it.

            “My spleen. They had to take it out after the accident,” said Alison. He had seen her other scars from the accident, but somehow this one seemed more personal since it was hidden unless you saw her naked.

            “You are so pretty,” said Bucky pressing a kiss to the scar on her left. Alison placed another kiss on the seam that connected his metal arm to his body.

            “You aren’t too bad on the eyes either,” said Alison softly before she slipped off into a light sleep. Bucky kissed her forehead before trying to settle into sleep himself. He pulled her close and couldn’t believe what had gone on between them tonight. He felt so right and how easy it had been for them. They had a trust in each other that he hoped other people had with someone. Bucky still wasn’t sure what he had done to earn her trust, but he wasn’t going to let her go. He drifted off to sleep holding her tightly. _I won’t let you go,_ thought Bucky,

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            “Should I engage?” asked Neil. He had been one of the few members of the Strike force to make it out of SHIELD. He had been working in South America when Hydra had come out only to fall. He had come back to New York under orders former one of the few remaining higher ups. He was waiting for his next set of orders. It had been two years since he had gotten any orders and he was wondering if they had forgotten about him.

Fate however remembered him and when Neil saw The Asset coming out of an apartment in Brooklyn on a Sunday morning with a rather pretty brunette he nearly dropped his groceries. He quickly ducked into an alley and dropped the bags there. He pulled out the cell he was given before leaving and called the one number programed in and told them what he had seen. The Asset was alive and from the looks of things in his right mind.

            “Do not engage at this time. Follow and report back,” said the voice before hanging up. Neil hung and saw that The Asset and his companion hadn’t gone far and were heading towards Prospect Park. The Asset seemed very at ease with the brunette and Neil carefully snapped a picture of her laughing at something The Asset had said before kissing him on the cheek. _Well it looks like he’s thawed out for now. I wonder if they have any of his freezer units around._ Neil sent the picture to his contact to see if they could find anything on her. The Asset kissed her and Neil grinned a little. He had missed working and now he might start up again. _I might even get a little bonus for my work,_ thought Neil carefully trailing them.

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

            Bucky almost hates that they have to go back and people are going to assume and rightly assume what happened between them.

            “Are you okay?” asked Alison and Bucky grins.

            “Debating asking Steve for a soundproof room,” said Bucky and Alison nudges him before getting in the car. He takes her hand in his left hand and holds it. “I really did have a nice time. Not just the sex. All of it. It was nice to be me again,” said Bucky. Alison kisses him and they start heading for home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was sort of inspired by the Civil War clip of Natasha telling Bucky that he should recognize her. I really do think they met before in the MCU and it’s going to be fun to see how the Russo’s take it. Plus they were a serious item in the comics. I have no plans to have a love square between Bucky, Alison, Bruce and Natasha. That scene just spoke to me a bit. 
> 
> I don’t think I’ll get this done before Civil War, but I have an end in mind-I’m thinking maybe three more chapters here before penning where Bucky and Alison go during Civil War. I’m going Thursday May 5th to see it and I have avoided all movie spoilers so far and it’s going to be a long week. Oh I can’t wait!!!!!
> 
> Thoughts are always welcome!!!


	27. Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler for Civil War

_ October 2015 _

“Are you alright?” asked Wanda as Alison fights back a yawn. 

“Just a bit tired is all. I think I’m coming down with a cold. Happens every fall,” said Alison. 

Actually it started after her spleen at had removed. It seemed every fall she caught a cold and last year it nearly turned into a chest infection. She had gotten her flu shot for this year and Cho had advised her to starting taking a low dose antibiotic daily with flu season coming up and everyone living in such tight quarters. Alison was torn about this since sometimes her anxiety medication reacted badly to the antibiotics and her anxiety would run amok. Cho left the choice up to her, but she told Alison the second she started running a high fever she was going to give Alison the highest dose of antibiotics she could give someone. 

“Maybe we should call it a day then?” asked Wanda and Alison gave her a small smile. She and Wanda were going over the math section of her GED and the girl was brilliant so sometimes the work was boring for her. 

“I was going to ask you how you feel about taking some college courses after we get this done next month,” said Alison and Wanda blushed a little. 

“You really think I could?” asked Wanda. 

“I don’t see why not. We could see about something online. You can go for something in General Studies until you find something you liked and then focus on that,” said Alison. Wanda gave her a small smile back.

“I never thought about college before. It just wasn’t in the cards and well...I was too angry to even try before,” said Wanda and Alison nodded.

“Well you had a lot to be angry about and you’ve made a lot of good progress in the last few months. I know it hasn’t been easy, but you’re doing a very good job,”said Alison. Wanda had been doing a good job since the summer. She was having fewer nightmares, she was working better with the rest of the team and she had even started having a few meals in the group lunchroom with everyone else. This is turn brought Vision out to the dining hall. He really didn’t eat much or anything, but he enjoyed being around the others...well he enjoyed being near Wanda. Alison was tempted to ask if anything was going on, but she decided against it. Alison wanted people to mind their own business when it came to her and Bucky so she owed others the same. They seemed rather comfortable with each other, it didn’t have to be romantic though. Alison had her friendship with David and Sam, both friendships which people had guessed to be romantic until Sam started dating Sharon and Alison had started openly being with Bucky. 

“I owe Steve and Natasha for taking me in and you for helping me get over somethings. I don’t know if I can ever make it up,” said Wanda and Alison took her hand.

“You don’t owe me anything. If you do want to pay me back, just be happy about your life now,” said Alison. 

Alison picked up the textbooks and headed back to her room. She knew Steve and Bucky were working on training stuff and dinner was a few hours off. Alison picked up the book she was reading about Whitney Frost and how she ended up in a mental hospital after the accidental death of her husband. Clearly the woman was brilliant, but depressed.  _ A shame how some they didn’t know to treat her and just ended up giving her lobotomy, _ thought Alison. She put Bailey on the bed next to her and the puppy curled up and dozed off. She got a page into the book before falling asleep herself.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Bucky headed right to dinner after the training session and didn’t see Alison sitting with David and Jenny. He knew she had a morning class and an afternoon session with Wanda. Wanda was sitting with David and Jenny and she waved at Bucky. Maybe she was wrapped up with her homework again. If he didn’t pull the book out of her hands some nights she would read until dawn. He had always been alright in school, but he never threw himself in the way Alison did with her work.  _ Than again she’s trying to learn how to save lives, _ thought Bucky. He had his dinner with the others before going to the private kitchen and making Alison a bowl of soup. He came back to the room to find Alison sound asleep on the bed with a book on her lap. Bailey got up and stretched before flopping back and looking at Alison. Bucky rubbed the dog’s ears before sitting down next to Alison and shaking her shoulder.

“Hey. Hey….brainiac,” said Bucky before kissing her forehead and frowning a bit. She felt warm to him, a little too warm for his liking. Alison yawned and blinked to get him into focus. “I brought you dinner,” said Bucky and Alison groaned a bit before eying her clock.

“I didn’t mean to doze off. I needed finish this for a paper,” said Alison nodding at the book.

“You only have like a chapter left and your paper isn’t due until next week,” said Bucky eying her little calendar marked up with due dates and exams.

“Never hurts to get a head start,” said Alison. Bucky nudged the bowl of soup towards her.

“Eat,” said Bucky and she took the bowl and spoon to eat. Bailey came over and nosed her way into Bucky’s lap. Bucky rubbed the dog’s head while he studied Alison the way he would a target and he didn’t like what he saw. She seemed a bit run down and there was a faint flush in her face. She seemed to only be eating the soup so he wouldn’t nag her. 

“Are you alright?” asked Bucky and Alison shrugged.

“Just a bit tired. I think it’s a cold coming on. I really hope it’s a cold, the flu would knock my ass out,” said Alison. She finished the soup, fought back a yawn before giving him a small grin. “Than again I could just be tired because my boyfriend won’t let me get a full eight hours of sleep,” said Alison and Bucky raised an eyebrow. 

It was true in the last few weeks he couldn’t seem to keep his hands off Alison when they were alone. After shoving away all his wants for her for months he found he couldn’t get enough of her. Alison seemed to enjoy it and damn her if she didn’t egg him on some nights. He always tried to be careful with her, however there was a well formed bruise on her left hip and thigh from his gripping her there. She had stopped swimming to avoid any awkward questions

“Well maybe if you weren’t such a damn tease he would let you sleep. I never thought I would want someone to call me James ” said Bucky. She only called him James when they were fooling around and she was on the edge.  Alison took Bailey on to her lap and started petting her.

“Didn’t know I still had it to get someone that into me. It’s a boost for my ego really,” said Alison and she moved over so he could be on the bed next to her. He sat next to her and he started to tell her about the time he could remember seeing a Whitney Frost film when Alison’s light snoring started. Bucky looked over and she was sound asleep again.  He careful laid her down before covering her with a blanket from the foot of their bed. He shook his head at the thought of this being their bed, than again he really hadn’t slept in his bed since they came back from their date. It actually felt wasteful to have still his own room when he was in here almost all the time. Actually a lot things felt weird and yet he was happy, which considering he hadn’t felt happy in decades it was also weird to him at times.

Bailey started whining at the door so Bucky put her leash on took her outside. It was different now when he walked down the halls here. Before if he wasn’t with Alison or Steve people stayed away from him or looked away. Now people nodded or gave a small wave. Others like Jenny or Adair would actually stop and chat with him a little bit. He somehow managed small talk with them before they headed off to class or to their workouts. He was accepted as just another person on the team now. They didn’t know everything he had done, but they knew enough and yet they were warming up to him.   _ I’m home here, _ thought Bucky. Sometimes it would twist his chest to know he had a place here and it scared him too. It also made him happy to have a home again.

Bucky stepped outside and shivered a bit as the fall air hit his face. He took Bailey down to the track and started a light jog that the puppy could keep pace with. He did three laps with her before Sam called out.

“Well don’t you two look adorable.” He was dressed in his running gear, but fell in step with Bucky.

“Alison passed out or else she would be walking the dog. I think she might be coming down with a cold,” said Bucky and Sam’s face got a little serious.

“You might have to drag her to see Cho if it gets bad. Taking her spleen out really messed up her system and she’s stubborn about when she needs a break ,” said Sam. 

“She fell asleep studying,” said Bucky and Sam grinned. 

“Sounds like her. I’ll keep an eye on her too just to make sure she’s not being stupid,” said Sam and Bucky nodded and Sam went on. “So Sharon finally got settled. I guess her aunt wanted to go back to London and the CIA had spot open so now she’s in the land of tea and crumpets,” said Sam and Bucky could vaguely sense Sam was upset by this. Bucky knew that Sharon had left to spend more time with Peggy. While they hadn’t broken up the distance seemed to wear on Sam a bit.

“Is she alright?” asked Bucky.

“She likes the work since it was what she was doing for SHIELD and what she thought it would be here,” said Sam. Sam shook his head and looked at Bucky with a grin. “So what are you getting Ally for her birthday? I’m stealing your girl for a couple days next month. I’m taking her to see U2. I’m pretty sure she’s going to be torn about ditching school to see her favorite band,” said Sam. 

“I have no idea,” admitted Bucky. David, Jenny and a few others had been teasing Alison about turning thirty this week. Alison simply rolled her eyes and muttered something about this being the last birthday where she admitted how old she was. Jenny had suggested a party and Alison waved her off saying she didn’t want the fuss. Too bad for her since Sam had planned something and she was getting the fuss. 

“You alright?” asked Sam and Bucky sort of shrugged. “Honestly you can get her anything and she would be happy with it. She’s not picky,” said Sam and Bucky rolled his eyes. 

“We’re going into the city to see some H.P. Lovecraft films this weekend so I could get her something than. We might actually get Steve to come out with us...if he can work up the nerve to ask Maria to come too,” said Bucky and Sam gave Bucky a huge smile. 

“Well damn had I known you coming back would egg him on to start dating I would have tried a little harder to find you,” said Sam. 

“He always was a bit slow when it came to the opposite sex. If you really want to piss him off just ask about fondue,” said Bucky.  

“I will make a note of that,” said Sam. Bucky headed inside with Bailey so Sam could do his run. Alison was still asleep as he crawled under the covers and pulled her close. She rolled over and pressed herself against him.  _ Damn tease, _ thought Bucky. Bucky dozed off and woke up around one when he felt Alison twitching and she was whining in her sleep. 

“No….no. Please,” she muttered. 

“Ally. Ally wake up,” said Bucky and he shook her carefully. 

She jerked awake and was shaking and breathing like she had just run a marathon. Sweat was soaking her shirt and her hair and her face was too pale for his liking. Her pupils were wide and dark has she looked at him and she looked ready to cry. He hadn’t seen her have a nightmare like this since the first week they met. Even then she pulled herself together rather quickly, now she seemed on the verge of an all out panic attack. Recalling what Alison had done for him on nights when the nightmares tore him awake. Bucky reached over and flipped on the light so she could see where they were.

“Hey. Hey. Look at me,” said Bucky and he took her face in his hands so she would look at him. “It’s alright. Just breath okay,” said Bucky. She looked at him confused before wrapping her arms around him and she started to cry. 

“You were in the car,” she managed to get out in between sobs. Bucky rubbed her back and shushed her while she babbled about the Invasion and he was in the car with her. It was a memory and a nightmare blending into one giant mindscrew. Bucky had so many of those it was hard to keep track at first about what was memory and what was the nightmare. He used to dream he had killed Steve on the helicarrier. Alison had to get Steve up one night and bring him into the room to prove she wasn’t lying about Steve being alive.

“I’m right here,” said Bucky softly while she dug her fingers into his back. “Shush...это хорошо я здесь,” said Bucky.

“What did you say?” asked Alison. He didn’t slip back into Russian often anymore so his slip seemed to pull her back.

“I told you I was alright and that I’m right here,” said Bucky pulling back a little to look at her. She was still pale, but the crying had stopped. “Maybe Nat could teach you some Russian so when I slip back you’ll understand me,” said Bucky lightly trying to get her to settle down some more. 

“You only slip when you’re stressed. I didn’t mean to stress you out. It’s was just really bad,” said Alison. 

“And here I thought someone else was finally getting our bad dreams,” said Bucky and Alison let out a weak laugh recalling what she had told him that first week after waking up from a nightmare. He kissed her lightly on the mouth before he pulled her close again. “безопасно. это не больно.” whispered Bucky as he pulled Alison close and started stroking her head to lull her back to sleep. 

“You said that before,” said Alison. He said the night he had woken up from a flashback of being attacked and she took care of him. He hugged her and muttered that sentence before she settled him back to bed. “What does it mean?” asked Alison.

“Safe...it doesn’t hurt here. I know it’s safe with you and nothing hurts when I’m with you. You’re safe here, I love you,” said Bucky. Alison gave him a smile before curling up next to him. He watched as she dozed off again, one hand had a tight grip on his shirt and her other hand held his left hand.  

Bucky sighed and let his head rest on hers. She had changed soaps and now she sort of smelled like plums and clean laundry. Alison had only been in his life for six months and the effect she had on him still threw him. He was here because of her and while his life was far from normal he was getting some sort of peace now.  He still had a small nagging guilt about Tony, but he wasn’t sure how or if he should tell the younger Stark what had happened. How would Tony and Steve work together knowing what Bucky had done? He didn’t want to screw up Steve’s friendship with Tony. Bucky settled against Alison and kissed her forehead. 

“I know you don’t think about the house and picket fence anymore, but if I could give you that I would in a second,” said Bucky softly pulling Alison closer as he felt himself get sleepy.  _ I wish I could marry you, _ thought Bucky and that thought slammed into his head hard and had him wide awake. 

He couldn’t marry her, he was either a dead man or a live man who had a lot to answer for. What sort of life would that be for her?  _ She already picked you stupid. I think she already knows some of what she signed up for, _ thought Bucky.  Bucky studied her small hand wrapped  in his larger metal one and swallowed a lump in his throat. It was the trust between them that he loved the most. He didn’t think he could ever have this in his life again and here it was sleeping on his chest. Bucky closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. She had such small hands and he gripped her hand carefully in his before going to sleep.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Bucky made it a point to call Becca once a week in addition to trying to visit her on the weekends. She seemed to be getting tired too easily lately and it worried him. Alison told him Becca was in good health for her age, but it didn’t stop the nagging in his head that he needed to hear her voice or see her whenever he could. Alison was in class so Bucky decided to make his weekly call to Becca, 

“The kids are going to come and get me next month and I’ll be in California until January,” said Becca and Bucky let out a small laugh.

“Can’t handle the cold anymore?” asked Bucky teasing. He wondered if Alison would make the calls for him while Becca was away. It might be odd for her children to have a strange man calling her.

“My children can’t. I spoiled them with all that warm weather and sunshine. I was sort of hoping it would be alright to tell them about you. To tell them you’re alive,” said Becca softly.

“Don’t. No sense freaking them out,” said Bucky and Becca sighed.

“It’s your family too and I would like you to know them,” said Becca. There was a part of Bucky that wanted to know his nieces and nephews too.  _ Hell I got great nieces and nephews now, _ thought Bucky. He wasn’t sure though how they would feel about him. They had never known him and finding out what he had been might freak them out.

“Actually they want to meet Alison,” said Becca and Bucky nearly dropped the phone.

“Why?” asked Bucky panicked and Becca laughed.

“Well before I knew she was looking in on me for your sake, I just assumed she was a friend of Steve’s looking in on me. So I talked about her and well they want to meet her. They weren’t too happy with me coming back to New York and me being alone out here. I’m guessing her visiting me takes some worry off their shoulders,” said Becca. “Honestly she takes some weight off my shoulders too. I like knowing you finally found someone who suits you. I’m not happy that it took so long or what you had to go through to find her, but she makes you happy now and that’s the important thing,” said Becca and Bucky felt that lump in his throat again. 

“I really...I would give her anything she wanted if I could. Than again I’m not sure how the hell it would even be legal or if she would even say yes or…” Bucky cut himself realizing what he had just said and Becca’s voice dropped a bit.

“James Buchanan Barnes. Did I just hear you imply that you want to marry her?” asked Becca and Bucky didn’t say anything and he felt his face turn red. “Jimmy,” said Becca and her voice was a bit teasing and it brought him back. Afterall she was still his little sister and teasing him was just habit for her despite not doing it for over seventy years.  He knew despite her teasing he could talk to her about this. Afterall she had been married for sixty some years and knew how to make a relationship work. 

“I just...I know it’s different now and that you don’t have to get married to be committed like that or at least it’s what people say, but I love her,” said Bucky. 

“I know you do and well I guess we’re just old fashioned when it comes to certain things. I liked being married. I liked knowing he was stuck with me and that he wanted to be stuck with me. From what I gathered about Alison she’s not against marriage either, she just wanted things a certain way before she settled in. I don’t see why she would say no to you. She loves you and you make her happy too,” said Becca. 

“I didn’t think I would feel this way a year ago. It’s still a little overwhelming to wrap my head around,” admitted Bucky. He heard Becca sigh and he could almost see her giving him that look that was love and annoyance mixed. 

“You’ve been through so much and you’ve been alone for a long time. Even when we were growing up you put so much on yourself. You were one of the cockiest boys in the neighborhood, but you were also one of the sweetest too. You took good care of me and of Steve and I hope you know how much that means to me now. I know that in your heart of hearts you’re worried you can’t take care of Alison the way you think she should be cared for. Old habits after all, but Jimmy she loves you. She can take care of herself if need be. What she wants is an equal, someone she can stand next to. Her granddaddy raised a good woman...well good enough to handle you,” teased Becca. 

“I am a lot to handle,” said Bucky getting a good laugh out of Becca.

“I still have mom’s ring. She should have it,” said Becca. 

“Don’t your kids want it?” asked Bucky. Their mother’s wedding ring had been sort of a sore spot for Bucky growing up. It was a plain gold band with a blue stone in it and it had been the only nice thing their father had ever given their mother. She refused to sell it no matter how bad things got for them. Bucky had debated selling it after she died to help ease some of the expenses, but Becca begged him not too and she started wearing it. Bucky caved, they didn’t have a lot from their mother and Becca never asked for much. 

“No. I’ve tried passing it on to all the kids and it just doesn’t seem to be anyone style. I think she’ll like it though. It’s not too flashy and she isn’t the showy type,” said Becca. 

Alison came into the room and gave him a small wave. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail and she was wearing jeans and a oversized black sweater. The dog tags were back on their normal chain, she didn’t wear a lot of jewelry and clearly what she did wear meant a lot to her. She sat down and started doing her homework.

“I’ll think about it. We’ll see you on Sunday. I love you Becky,” said Bucky. 

“I love you too,” said Becca and he ended the call. Alison booted up her laptop and started typing. Bucky came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her before resting his head on top of hers.

“The methods for treating depression have advanced rapidly in the last twenty years. With advances in medication and therapy...wow this is boring. I should read this when I can’t sleep,” teased Bucky and Alison looked up at him. 

“I feel that way when I try to read a tactical handbook,” said Alison kissing his cheek and turning back to her computer. Bucky started toying with the ponytail and Alison sighed. “Yes darling…” teased Alison. 

“Nothing. It’s just fun,” said Bucky kissing her neck. Alison shook her head and tried to go back to typing her paper. Bucky kept kissing her neck and tugging on her ponytail.  _ She wants an equal, _ thought Bucky. He hoped he was good enough to be her equal. Alison sighed and turned to face him with a grin.

“You are a terrible distraction,” said Alison. She took his face in her hands and kissed him. He pulled her out of the chair and tugged her over to the bed. Alison settled under him while he slid his hands under her sweater and she kissed his neck. Bucky felt Alison wrap a leg around his waist and Bucky grinned. 

“Oh...I’m terribly sorry,” said a slightly British and computerized voice. They both looked over to see Vision was standing next to the bed and the door was still shut. 

“The door was shut,” said Bucky a little annoyed as Alison eased him off her.

“Oh I...yes...terribly sorry. I was sent to fetch Alison. Wanda seems rather upset and she needs to be talked too,” said Vision. Alison adjusted her sweater and pulled her hair back quickly. 

“She’s in the common room. I tried to get her back to her room, but she’s very upset,” said Vision. Alison got up and left the room and Bucky eyed the AI.

“When a door is shut you knock before coming in,” said Bucky. 

“Well Sam told me I had to get Alison to the common room. He said you might like to join us for Alison’s surprise party,” said Vision. Bucky shook his head.

“Sam didn’t tell me it was today,” said Bucky. “Still...knock first from now on,” said Bucky. 

“Yes of course,” said Vision sounding very embarrassed. They went down to the common room where Alison was standing next to Sam and her two friends Sophia and Renee. Alison looked amused and annoyed with all of them. The room was decorated with purple streamers and balloons. There was a cake on the table with the number 30 written on it. The med staff was there along with Steve, Natasha, Rhoads, and Wanda. 

“My birthday isn’t until Sunday,” said Alison and Sam shrugged. 

“Well this is was more fun and gives people time to recover,” said Sam. He nodded at Jenny who was double fisting her drinks and sitting on Shawn’s lap giggling. 

“We’re not getting younger,” cried Adair who have four empty shot glasses lined up. 

“Come on you get to turn 30 twice now,” said Sophia hugging Alison.

“Can we have the cake now?” asked Wanda. Alison went over to the cake table and shrugged.

“Come on. We all know the song,” said Alison and the room started singing Happy Birthday. Steve came over to Bucky and shook his head. 

“You know technically speaking we’re psychically in our late twenties,” said Steve. Bucky shrugged and looked at Alison has she blew out the candles on her cake.

“So does that mean I’m robbing the cradle or she’s stealing from the grave?” asked Bucky and Steve laughed.

“You could split the difference. She’s kind of an old soul anyway,” said Steve. 

“She just has good taste in music. Well most of her music anyway,” said Bucky. Sam started passing out cake and Alison was talking with Sophia and Jenny. Adair handed Alison a drink and Alison looked at Bucky and shrugged helplessly. 

“I got her a new set of drumsticks,” said Steve. 

“I haven’t gotten her anything yet. I’m working on something though,” said Bucky.  _ Maybe she would like that ring, _ thought Bucky. Steve eyed his friend and grinned, his friend looked so damn happy.  _ It’s good to have you back, _ thought Steve. 

“Anything you want help with?” asked Steve. 

“I think I can handle this one. So are you coming with us this weekend?” asked Bucky.

“Well we’re going out to dinner. Hill isn’t a horror movie person. Actually I really didn’t tell her it was date. I told her it was a work thing,” said Steve and Bucky sighed. 

“Well at least you got a date,” said Bucky patting his shoulder. Alison came over to them with cake and a drink. 

“I really don’t like surprises,” said Alison sipping her drink and handing Bucky the cake. 

“It’s not that bad. With Tony out town you were spared having a much bigger to do. He might have went with clowns,” said Steve and Alison shuddered at the thought. 

“Happy early birthday by the way,” said Steve. 

“Thanks,” said Alison.

“Your boyfriend is a lazy slacker and he hasn’t gotten you a birthday present yet. I offered to help,” said Steve grinned as Bucky eyed him.

“You are still a punk,” said Bucky. Adair laughed at something David said and fell off her stool still laughing.

“I should go check on her,” said Alison handing Bucky her drink. 

“Woot Dirty Thirty,” cried Adair from the floor.  _ Jim falling on the floor drunk and passing out, _ thought Bucky.

“Nice to see a new generation of idiots,” said Steve grinning a bit sadly. They watched as Shawn declared Adair was having a seizure and they needed to get something under her head and David started pulling his shirt off as Jenny spit out a pink drink while laughing madly and Alison stood over the whole mess shaking her head while nudging Adair with her foot to get off the floor and telling David to keep his shirt on. 

“Yep. A whole new group of idiots,” said Bucky. 

“I’m telling your girlfriend you called her an idiot,” said Steve. 

“Punk,” retorted Bucky.

“Jerk,” said Steve.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

Alison was nursing a slight hangover headache and she hated to admit that after this weekend she might have to go to Cho for some antibiotics. She was still feeling sort of tired and now there was a tickle in the back of her throat. If she was being honest with herself she really should simply stay in and start nursing herself through whatever she was coming down with. However Bucky had been the one to suggest going to the H.P Lovecraft marathon and considering how this was his first date idea in several decades she didn’t have the heart to cancel.

She was in her office working on her paper so she could work undistracted. She loved Bucky, but he was very good at distracting her. Alison coughed and frowned as she looked over her notes to cite her source when she felt something by her and Vision spoke up.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” said Vision and Alison looked up and saw the door was shut. 

“Um. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you knock,” said Alison and Vision looked confused at the door before looking back to her. 

“I didn’t knock. I’m sorry. I need to remember that for all the rooms with shut doors,” said Vision and Alison grinned a bit.

“Is there something you wanted to talk about?” asked Alison gesturing for him to sit down. He sat down and he fiddled with the cuff of one of his sleeves. Since she had been here Vision had changed his attire a great deal. He was wearing a pair of black dress and a dark blue sweater. It was almost too British for Alison at times, she honestly expected him to come bearing a tea tray one of these days.

“I feel like I owe you an apology for coming into your and Mr. Barnes’s room last night. Sam asked me to come and get you for the surprise party and I was unaware that you and Barnes were...trying to procreate,” said Vision and Alison tried to process what he was saying. 

“Wait um...oh god,” said Alison has it started sinking in and she felt her face turn red. She took a deep breath and tried to process what to say next. He was technically only six or seven months old and while he might have been the AI to Tony Stark, she could only imagine what understanding he did have about relationships.

“We weren’t going for that. It’s not always about trying to make a baby,” said Alison. Now Vision seemed a bit puzzled. 

“I was given the impression that sex between men and women was for the purpose of procreation,” said Vision. 

“It is some of the time,” said Alison. “It’s also happens for a lot different reasons with any couple gay or straight. You want to express affection for your partner and create a deeper bond. Sometimes it’s an outlet for stress or trying to feel better about something. Sometimes it happens for really no reason all other than it just feels good between the couple,” said Alison. Vision seemed to be thinking this through.

“Interesting. So it’s not always for a biological purposes than.” said Vision.

“Not all the time,” said Alison. 

“Do you mind me asking what reason you and he were aiming for?” asked Vision.  Alison thought and she wondered how Bucky would feel knowing she was talking to the AI about their sex life. 

“For us it’s about the connection and affection. We haven’t been in relationships for a long time and we’re still trying to figure it out. We’re learning to trust each other while in a very vulnerable position. Physically and emotionally vulnerable position” said Alison. Vision nodded and stood up.

“Well thank you for being honest and explaining it to me,” said Vision went over to the window and looked outside. “Honestly trying to figure you humans out is fascinating and frustrating at the same time. I think I could live for several lifetimes and never truly understand everything there is to know. Would it be possible for us to talk more often? I have other questions that you might be more comfortable answering for me than the others would,” said Vision.

“I would be fine with that. I might not have all the answers though,” said Alison and Vision gave her a small smile.

“Well I don’t have any answers so it’s better than nothing,” said Vision and Alison had to let out a small laugh. “I’ll let you get back to your work,” said Vision and he phased through the wall. 

“Maybe I’ll start with why we have walls and doors,” said Alison. 

…………………………………………… ………………………………………………………..

 

“I sort of remember coming here a few times with Steve. They had some free art shows once in awhile,” said Bucky as they walked across Washington Square, The films were going to be shown at NYU in the Cantor Film Center and Alison had gone to school at NYU so she was showing him around. Her face looked sort of flushed as they walked across the square, but she had the biggest smile on her face. 

“During the first week of school there is this huge concert that happens right here on the square. My freshman year it was Bruce Springsteen. I couldn’t hear anything the next day since it was so loud. It was one of the best live shows I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure Sophia ditched me that night to hook up with some girl from the Bronx. She came back to our apartment trashed and missing her bra the next morning,” said Alison and Bucky had to laugh. 

“I’m pretty sure I tried dating a girl from the Bronx only to have her boyfriend punch me in the face,” said Bucky. Alison squeezed his hand and she pointed out various spots that had meaning to her. The building she took philosophy with Sam and she had to keep waking him up during class since it was at eight am. The campus clinic she worked at in between classes. A large grassy area that she and Sophia had to drag Matt across one night after a party and he threw up of Sophia leaving Alison to drag him up the stairs to his dorm. 

“I had to leave him outside the door of his room since his roommate had a tie on the door and well I’m sure everyone on that floor heard what was going on and what?” asked Alison looking up at him while he smirked. She looked so happy and he liked listening to what her past had been like. She was just a girl from Brooklyn who had her own share of mishaps and fun along the way. Had they met in the 1940’s or if had been born in the 80’s like Alison they would have crossed paths sooner or later and well he might have been just as crazy for her.

“Nothing. I just feel bad for Matt being dumped like that and waking up the next morning on a cold floor,” said Bucky. 

“Well Sophia and I were staying off campus that year so we weren’t taking him home with us on the train. Plus I told him those Long Island Ice Teas were bad for him and he didn’t listen. Plus after he threw up nachos and shots on Sophia I was done for the night too,” said Alison.

“So the moral of the story is if I don’t listen to you and I get sick you aren’t going to take care of me,” said Bucky. 

“I felt really bad the next day and I made him blueberry muffins. The good kind too, not from a box,” said Alison and Bucky scoffed. 

“Doesn’t take much to get you over does it?” he teased and she leaned into him.

“I’m a soft touch really. I don’t know where I get it from since grandpa was a hard ass,” said Alison.  _ I like that you’re a soft touch. I just plain like you, _ thought Bucky. Alison started coughing and Bucky frowned listening to it. It reminded of him of when Steve had a cold and would cough up snot for about a week. Alison looked annoyed and hunched deeper into her jacket.

“Come on. It should be starting soon,” said Alison. They went inside and found their seats. Her face still looked sort of flushed to him and she squeezed his hand.

“I’m going to see Cho the second we get back,” said Alison. Bucky kissed her forehead and tried not to frown. She felt a little too warm to him considering how cool it had been outside, They played two Lovecraft movies back to back-The Colour out of Space and The Call of Cthulhu. Bucky kept looking over at Alison who was trying to keep her coughing muffled during the movie and he was tempted to drag her back to base now. Once the films were over Alison sighed. 

“I know it’s still early, but I’m sort of feeling blah. Do you mind if we head in?” asked Alison. 

“No. I’ll call Becca and tell her we can’t make breakfast tomorrow. You’re going to Cho first thing in the morning,” scolded Bucky and Alison nodded.

“I thought I could kick it. Stupid really,” said Alison. They headed out and Alison fished a knit cap out and pulled it on. Bucky wrapped an arm around her as they headed for the car.

“I guess this means you’re going to get the Barnes’s family treatment,” said Bucky as Alison drove them back to the apartment.

“Is that a good thing?” asked Alison. 

“I’m putting you to bed and then I’m making you chicken soup and hot toddies like my mom did when Steve was sick. You aren’t allowed out of bed until the coughing stops” said Bucky and Alison grinned.

“A hot toddy is nothing but hot whiskey and tea. You might have to see if Cho will let you give them to me,” said Alison. 

“My mom put honey in hers too,” said Bucky. 

“Don’t worry alright. I’m not running to high of a fever and I promise to go right to bed and do whatever Cho or David tell me to do,” said Alison. 

“I just worry about you. Can’t help it. It’s a very old habit,” said Bucky. Alison grinned and the rest of the drive back was quiet. They headed upstairs and Alison fished out the keys. She paused and kissed him on the cheek.

“I haven’t had anyone fuss over me in a long time,” said Alison.

“Get used to it,” said Bucky. Alison unlocked the door, Bucky followed behind her and he knew something was wrong the second the lamp wouldn’t turn on. He went to grab Alison and get her out and was just a second too late

“Sputnik,” said a voice and Bucky fell to floor before Alison could scream. Alison felt a hand clamp around her mouth and a huge arm wrap around her waist pinning her arms to her side. She kicked the the table over and tried going limp and her attacker just held her tighter.

“Don’t be like that sweetheart. We don’t want to hurt you, but we will,” hissed the voice. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, Alison could make out three other men in the room. Two of them stood over Bucky with guns drawn while the third handcuffed Bucky and bound his feet.

“He should be out for hours. Sadly it’s a one and done deal until we reset him,” said the man cuffing Bucky. Alison tried slamming her foot into her attacker’s leg when he moved his hand from her mouth to her throat and squeezed.

“Do we really need her? She’s going to be trouble,” he whispered and Alison could see spots.  _ Bucky. Oh god please wake up. _ She was outnumbered and she couldn’t think of what to do to help them.

“She’s part of the test to see how much work he needs,” said the man who had cuffed Bucky. He grabbed her arm quickly and jammed a needle in her arm and pressed the dispenser down. Alison felt weightless and her attacker let her fall to the floor in an unconscious heap.  _ Bucky, _ was her last thought before she hit the floor. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

Alison woke up shivering and she started coughing. It was a harsh and hacking cough that hurt her chest and her head.  _ Shit, _ thought Alison picking herself up off the cold slab of a floor. She was in a windowless room with a single light hanging down and the door looked to be metal and she couldn’t tell if the door opened towards her or away from her. She hoped beyond hope that the door would open once she turned the knob. No such luck. Alison fought another cough and tried to stay calm. She needed something to defend herself if and when they came for her. The room was bare though and the walls and ceiling appeared to be thick concrete.  _ Better to muffle the screaming, _ thought Alison and she tried thinking though her rising panic.

Clearly whoever had taken them planned it out.  _ Stupid, _ thought Alison. They must have seen them coming and going from the apartment. Alison shuddered at the thought of being followed for god knows how long and not knowing it.  _ They wanted Bucky, _ thought Alison and it filled her heart with dread.  _ They wanted Bucky and they knew how to get him. _

“Sputnik,” muttered Alison. It was clearly a trigger word meant to subdue him. She had looked through countless notes and files and still hadn’t been able to find all the trigger words or phrases. Clearly that was a word of mouth one. _Damn them,_ thought Alison and she started to pace. _Hydra. We’ve been kidnapped by Hydra and I have no clue where we are or how long we’ve been gone. They want Bucky though. They want their Asset back and oh god no._ She knew what they could do to him to try to get him back and she wanted to scream. Alison felt her chest tighten and the hacking cough took over. She felt dizzy and had to sit down before she fell down. She saw a camera in the corner of the ceiling and she flipped it off out of some childish spiteful need. Alison pulled the coat around her tighter and fought the urge to cry. _Are they looking for us? How long have we been gone? I have to try to get us out of here somehow,_ thought Alison. From somewhere above her she heard Bucky’s muffled screaming and Alison swore she was going to make them pay. She didn’t feel the tears running down her face as she listened to him scream.

…………………………………………………………………………………………… ………..

 

Bucky woke up and found he couldn’t move his arms or his legs. Four men were in the room. One tech and three others and Bucky felt a mind numbing panic take over as it dawned on him where he is and what is about to happen.

“No,” mutters Bucky and he starts to struggle to free himself.

“I wouldn’t do that,” said a man and Bucky sort of remembers him as a handler from South America. The man turns on a screen and Bucky sees Alison curled up on the floor. “I have a man right outside her room. You might get out of here, but she’s going to have a hole in head before you get to her. Understand?” he asked. Bucky didn’t say anything and the handler backhanded him across the face. “Understand?” he asked. 

“Yes,” hissed Bucky and the man grinned. 

“Good. I’m glad we have an understanding right now. And if you think your friends might come for you if you stall long enough, think again. We found the GPS unit in your arm and took it out. It’s just us for right now. We might bring her in later to see how you’re responding to your retraining,” said the man and Bucky had to fight the rage. He couldn’t risk Alison to these animals.

“You have me. You don’t need her,” said Bucky and the man grinned. 

“But she’s so pretty and we would let you watch,” he said and Bucky had to fight to urge to break his restraints. The man turned off the screen just as Alison was getting up and he grinned. “It seems she couldn’t get all your training out. It was a shame we had to waste the kill switch word. Hopefully once we reset you it will work again. Or else we’ll find a new one. All that matters is getting you ready for when Rumlow gets here. He did miss you,” said the man. He forced Bucky to open his mouth to put the guard in so he wouldn’t bite his tongue. The tech flipped the switch and Bucky screamed helplessly.  _ Alison. Don’t forget Alison. Her green eyes, scars on her leg, she smells like plums...the way it feels when I kiss her. _

“Longing,” said the man and Bucky felt his heart stop.  _ No..no...no _ .  “Rusted.”  _ She has green eyes and you have to keep her safe.  _ “Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace.” He could feel himself slipping away.  _ Her name is Alison and she loves you and…  _ “Nine. Benign. Homecoming.”  _ MY NAME IS BUCKY!!! _ “Homecoming. One.”  _ No. _

“Freight car. Soldier?” He took the mouthpiece out and Bucky stared blankly ahead.

“Ready to comply,” said the Soldier.

“Bring her in,” said the man while the tech undid his restraints. The Soldier stood up and looked around puzzled. He wanted to ask how long he had been away, but knew better. A few minutes passed and soon the two men brought a young woman into the room. She glared as the men let her go. Her eyes turned to him and he could see she had been crying.

“What did you to him?” she demanded. His handler pulled her over to him and she looked up at him worried.

“Bucky?” she asked and she touched her his arm. 

“Who is Bucky?” asked the Soldier.  _ Why is touching me like that? _  The woman gasped and started coughing hard. She glared at his handler.

“You bastard,” she cried and she went to throw herself at his handler. The handler caught her, threw her to the floor and kicked her in the ribs.  _ Bucky...I’ve heard it before. _

“Get up,” said the handler and he grabbed her hair. The woman let out a strangled cry and she looked at him pleading.

“Bucky please?” she asked. 

“Hit her,” said the handler and the Soldier punched the woman in the face. He heard something snap in her face and she fell to the floor again. The handlers and tech seemed proud of him and the Asset felt hallow. It was odd, he couldn’t recall feeling this way in a long time. She groaned and when she looked up her face was covered in blood and her eye was already starting to swell shut. She started trying to pick herself up when the handler pulled her up. 

“Did you really think you could fix him if you loved him enough? He’s Hydra,” he said. The woman simply spat blood in his face and glared.

“You’re going to pay for this. If it’s the last thing I do,” she said. The handler grinned and wiped the blood off his face. 

“You know we have a few hours before Rumlow shows up. Why don’t we play a little game? You like Hide and Seek. First one to find you gets to tell the Soldier what to do you. One...two...I’m only gonna count to twenty sweetheart,” he laughed and so did the others. She looked horrified and she cast one finally pleading glance at him before stumbling out of the room and running down the hall. He heard a door to the stairwell slam shut.  _ Did you think you could love him enough, _ thought the Soldier. Did she love him? Is that why she touched him, looked at him and pleaded.  _ I’m Hydra...no one loves me. _

“Twenty. Let’s find her,” said the Handler.  


	28. Indomitable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be M-ish for violence

 

 

Steve finished his run around Central Park and started to head back the Stark Tower. Dinner with Maria had been alright. It was all work related, but it was better than nothing. Maybe next time he asked her he would stress that it wasn’t for work. _God Bucky is going to give me so much crap,_ thought Steve. He got back to the Tower and was about to take a shower when his phone rang. The caller I.D showed it was Becca.

“Good morning Bee,” said Steve and Becca let out a snort.

“And here I thought no one was ever going to call me that again,” said Becca.

“I can’t help it,” said Steve. It was a small holdover from childhood; she was the little bee that followed him and Bucky.

“Have you heard from Bucky and Alison?” asked Becca and she sounded worried.

“Not since they left last night,” said Steve.

“I’m probably being silly, but they were supposed to be here an hour ago for breakfast. I can accept Bucky being late, but Alison always calls when she might be late,” said Becca. Steve felt something settle hard in the pit of his stomach. Bucky might always be running a bit behind, but he wouldn’t make Becca wait and not call her. Plus Alison was one who liked to be somewhere fifteen minutes early. She wouldn’t be late and not call ahead.

“I tried calling her cell, but no one picked up,” said Becca.

“Give me a bit and I’ll go over and shake them out of bed,” said Steve trying to joke before ending the call. There was no reason they would stand Becca up. _Or maybe they both overslept and Alison forgot to set her alarm and her phone died,_ thought Steve even though it didn’t sit right with him. Steve skipped the shower and drove over to Brooklyn. He called Alison and neither one picked up. That worry in his stomach increased when he saw Alison’s car still in the parking garage.

Steve went up to the apartment and found the door wasn’t shut all the way. Steve eased the door open and saw the small end table had been kicked over and Alison’s purse was on the floor with the contents all over the place. Her phone alarm was buzzing and Steve shut if off without thinking before calling Natasha.

“Someone took Bucky and Alison,” said Steve trying to fight the panic. Panic was quickly fading to rage though. _It was a blitz attack. They clearly took Bucky out first or else the mess would have been greater,_ thought Steve looking around. Unless they used Alison has leverage against him. _Or they used them as leverage against each other. Alison wouldn’t want them to hurt Bucky and Bucky wouldn’t want her hurt either,_ thought Steve.

“I’ll get Sam and David and we’ll meet you at the Tower,” said Natasha ending the call. Steve wanted to scream has he left the apartment. _Why did I think Hydra was done with him? I thought he was safe with us now. I wanted his life to be normal again. They took Alison too._ _They tortured Bucky into what he was. What are they going to do to her?_ That thought chilled Steve to the bone as he drove back to the Tower.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           Alison nearly fell down the last flight of steps that lead to a basement level. She was in a warehouse or factory of some sort and if her situation wasn’t so horrifying she would have laughed at the horror movie trope of it. _Woman running for her life in a creepy warehouse while being chased by a bunch of psychos._ Alison put her arm up to her nose to try to stop the bleeding and ran down the hall. _Don’t leave any more of a trail,_ she thought.She found a door that wasn’t locked and threw herself into the room and locked the door quickly. It was a large workshop area with lots of places to hide. She scrambled for the nearest table that gave her some cover.  

Her nose was broken and it was hard to breath, not to mention she really couldn’t see out of her left eye since it was swollen shut. _Good thing he punch you with his right hand. Had he done it with his left you might be dead,_ thought Alison and she shuddered. That wasn’t her Bucky, but when he came back to himself and saw what he had done he was going to be sick. _Bastards,_ thought Alison trying to breathe through her mouth and not cough. They were going to make him hurt her until they got bored and then they would make him kill her. _He would never forgive himself if I died while he wasn’t in control. I won’t let them,_ thought Alison.

Alison felt numb when it dawned on her what she would have to do to get her and Bucky out of this. She was going to have to kill them before they could give Bucky anymore orders. She hoped their version of the Lullaby would bring Bucky out of it, but in order to get to Bucky she had to get rid of them. _They want me dead...they’ll use him to do it. I don’t have a choice. I don’t know where we are or if anyone knows we’re missing yet. Even if they know how are they going to find us?_

Alison took her coat off and left it as a decoy and went deeper into the room to find a weapon. She heard someone calling down the hall. “Run Rabbit-Run Rabbit-Run! Run! Run!” She picked up a screw driver and slipped a box cutter into her back pocket before hiding behind another workstation as the door was kicked in.

“Oh little rabbit...come on out. I promise I won’t let him play too rough with you. Maybe you and I can just play huh?” he called out. He kicked over a stack of boxes and Alison bit her tongue to keep from crying out. Her hands were damp and she could feel her whole body shaking as she listened to him get closer and he called out taunts on what they could do if she just came out and played nice.

“I promise to be real sweet with you. You looked really pretty when you were sleeping. Neil wanted to play with you then and I wouldn’t let him. It’s no fun when they’re passed out. I like my girls lively...you got a lot of spunk in you sweetheart. Your boy can go for hours can’t he? He knew how to behave when we told him too. I’ll make him do whatever you like,” called the man.

Alison waited until she saw his shoes and she came out and shoved the screw driver right into the jugular vein. She jammed it in as deep as she could and ran away as he fired a shot and missed her by inch. She heard him try to scream and a thud has he fell to the ground. _If he tried to pull it out he killed himself quicker,_ thought Alison scrambling into another hiding place as another pair of footsteps came into the room. _One down and four to go._

“You fucking bitch,” called a voice. “Neil...she killed Alec. Yes! The cunt stabbed him in the neck is how. No. I’m gonna clean her clock when I find her. I’m in the basement. If you want her alive or a least breathing I suggest you and your toy get down here!” Alison picked up a pipe and listened as the other man went slamming around the shop. _Your opponent thinks you're weak and he’ll underestimate you. Let that be in your favor._ Natasha had told her that and now she was going to use it to her favor. Her opponent was pissed and not really expecting her to come out in front of him and club him in the face.

“You bitch,” he spat and he went to rush her when Alison ducked down and slammed the pipe into his kneecaps crushing them and knocking him to the ground with a kick to groin. This was the man who had grabbed her throat last night and tried to choke her. He tried to get up and Alison kept hitting until she heard the crack of his skull. She looked to see his skull was now caved in and he wasn’t breathing. She dropped the pipe and fought the urge to throw up. Alison took his gun with shaking hands and made sure the safety was off before running away. _Two down...three to go._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

           Natasha realized she was going to have to be the rational one here because Steve and Sam were barely keeping it together and David seemed stunned by what was going on. Then again she knew the fear they felt and couldn’t blame them. When Clint had been taken by Loki it was all she could do to keep it together. On the outside she knew she appeared to be an ice queen, but inside she was terrified of what was happening to her friend.

           “They could be anywhere and we don’t even know where to start,” said Sam. Natasha pulled up the security camera footage she could find and had narrowed down one unmarked black van leaving the area around ten last night.

           “I had Friday track the van all the way to Jersey. It was heading for an airstrip there,” said Natasha. Steve shook his head as Natasha went on. “A plane was booked and they manifest has it heading to D.C, but no plane matching that description landed in D.C.,” said Natasha.

           “So we have nothing,” said Steve pacing and Sam got a look in his eyes.

           “They would have to refuel if they wanted to take it out of the country,” said Sam.

           “Well that narrows it a bit. Still they could have landed and driven them anywhere,” said Steve and Natasha went over to him.

“We’re going to find them and we’ll take care of the damage when we find them. Right now we need to think. Friday,” called Natasha. “Can you see if any airport has a plane matching the description of the one that left New Jersey last night?” asked Natasha.

“The plane landed in Honduras, but another plane was stolen and hadn’t been located yet. The black box has been disabled,” said Friday and Sam sat down grim.

“So from Honduras they could have gone anywhere in Central or in South America. Or they’re in Honduras. Or the plane was trick and they’re still here in the States and...I can’t think,” said Sam and he left the room quickly.

“I’ll go talk to him,” said David leaving the room Steve looked after them and shook his head.

“I’m not giving up on finding them, but they have a twelve hour head start on us. We don’t have a way to track them and they could be anywhere and having god knows what done to them and…” Natasha cut him off.

“Don’t think about what could be happening to them or you won’t be able to help them. I know how much Bucky means to you and how much Alison means to Sam. They’re my friends too and god help the people who took them because I’m going to kill them slowly,” said Natasha.

“I just wish we had a way to track them,” said Steve when Friday chimed in.

“Mr. Stark is on the line and he might be of assistance,” said Friday.

“Patch him in,” said Steve and Tony appeared on the screen and he looked annoyed.

“So the Flying Monkeys have Dorothy and the Tin Man?” asked Tony and Natasha rolled her eyes as Steve counted to ten in his head.

“Not now,” said Steve and Sam and David came back to join them.

“Tell me he has good news,” said Sam and Tony nodded.

“Back when I was fixing Barnes’s arm I noticed a GPS chip was missing. He had enough sense in his head to locate it and take it out before going on the lamb. So when I was fixing it I put a new one in,” said Tony and Steve looked torn between annoyance and relief.

“So where are they?” asked Steve and Tony grimaced.

“Well I figured you would be a little pissed at me for putting it in so I set it up to be active when it’s taken out. So it may not lead us to them, but it’s something to work from,” said Tony quickly when he noticed Sam was about to lose it.

“Tell me they took it out,” said Steve through clenched teeth. Tony typed in something on his phone and grinned.

“They took it out. I’m sending you the location now,” said Tony and a second later Steve’s phone pinged.

“Venezuela,” said Steve and he headed for the Quinjet with Sam on his heels.

“Thanks,” said Natasha before ending the call with Tony. She changed into her uniform and made her way to the jet. Sam was sitting behind Steve and Natasha took a seat in the back with David.

“You know you might have to get in line to kill whoever took them,” said David eyeing Sam who sat ridge in his seat and Steve who was flying the jet and looked ready to break something. Natasha had only seen Steve in a rage a handful and it never ended well for the people on the other end.

“I’ll wait my turn,” said Natasha.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           It was an old run down factory of some sort and Natasha and David started in the basement while Steve and Sam worked the upstairs levels. Natasha spotted the kicked in door and tightened her grip on the gun as she listened for any sound.

           “No,” muttered David and he picked up a light grey coat that had blood on the front and on the sleeve.

           “Just keep looking,” whispered Natasha. _She wanted them or us to find it,_ thought Natasha as she went down the aisle.  She spotted the body and when she saw it was male and not Bucky she almost let out a sigh of relief. She turned him over and noticed he had a blood covered screw driver next to him. David frowned looking at the man.

           “He bled out when he was stabbed. He pulled it out and made it go it a little faster,” said David and Natasha shook her head. The next body was further in and looked like his head had been beaten in and a pipe with a bloody handprint was on it. It was too small to be Barnes’s handprint and Natasha sighed.

           “They didn’t leave her a choice,” said Natasha.

           “You think Ally did this?” asked David. “She holds her own in self-defense class, but this is...damn them,” said David as he gave it real thought.

“They had her cornered and she fought back as hard as she could. They clearly didn’t think she had it in her,” said Natasha. Her comm buzzed and it was Steve telling her to come upstairs. By the sound of it things were bad up there too.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

           Alison crept back up the stairs and her chest burned from trying not to cough. She could hear them on the upper levels. She had found another door in the basement room and it went back upstairs. Someone was coming to take Bucky and if she didn’t get them out of here before they came she was going to lose Bucky. She wiped her hands on her jeans and frowned when she realized how bloody her hands were. _Is it mine or theirs,_ thought Alison. She bit back a sob and a cough. She had to get Bucky and somehow call for help. Her head was pounding as she made it back up to the floor where they had wiped Bucky. She heard two of them in the room gathering things and joking.

“Neil and the Asset went to find her. I’m not surprised she got Alec. He was always a cocky piece of shit,” said one man in Spanish. His partner laughed and put something in a box.

“It’s a shame we couldn’t join in. She has really pretty eyes,” he said.

Alison took a second to get her hands to stop shaking and adjusted her aim since her one eye was swollen shut. She hit the first man through the shoulder and when he turned around she got him in the chest twice before he fell over.  The second man rushed her before she could fire the next round and he knocked her down and tried taking the gun from her. She pulled the trigger and it went off and she could feel the blood soaking her shirt. She pulled the trigger three more times before he stopped moving. Alison pushed him off her and threw up her dinner. She was used to seeing people hurt, people near death and more than once she had seen someone die. She never thought she would be the cause of death. Alison forced herself up and swayed on her feet and she dropped the gun. She was burning up and it was getting harder to focus. She gave into a coughing fit that doubled her over. _Just find Bucky and this will be over,_ thought Alison. She turned to leave when she saw Bucky and the man called Neil standing in the doorway and Neil was smirking.

“Well you are a tricky one,” said Neil. He nodded at Bucky and Bucky rushed at her. Alison staggered to get the gun when Bucky knocked her and pinned her. He wrapped his right hand around her throat and started to choke her.

“Bucky…” she could see spots. “Sergeant...Winter is over,” whispered Alison and she weakly tapped his wrist. He tapped her wrist and looked puzzled.

“That’s enough,” said Neil and Bucky got off her. Alison went to reach for the gun when Neil kicked it away.  She tried to get the box cutter out of her pocket and realized it had fallen out of her pocket when she had been knocked down the first time.

“I think you’ve done enough damage for one day,” he said before kicking her hard in the side. Alison let out a strangled cry of pain and she tried to crawl away when Neil pinned her down. Alison tried to get him off her when he slammed her head into the floor and she saw spots again.

“Now. You’re going to behave or he’s going to make you behave,” said Neil. Alison felt him running his hands under her shirt and cupping her breasts hard.

“Please...don’t,” pleaded Alison and she looked over to Bucky who seemed to be dazed. “Please.” Neil grabbed her face and made her look at him.

“He can’t help you and he’s not going too. It’s just us,” hissed Neil. Alison felt herself go numb as he kissed her and pressed his erection against her

“Let’s see if you’re better than he was,” he said. He went to undo her pants when Alison heard a strangled cry and felt the weight lift off her body. Through the haze she saw Bucky slam Neil to the ground and his left fist slammed into Neil’s face. She was sure the second blow killed him, but Bucky just kept hitting him and Alison carefully touched him.

“Bucky,” said Alison and he whirled around with his fist raised and a look of madness in his eyes. He jerked back when he saw it was her, he looked confused and sad.

“I know you...I don’t know how,” he said softly. Alison fought the urge to cry. She didn’t know how much of his memory had been damaged during his shock treatment and she didn’t want scare him. He did remember her a little, enough to recall their Lullaby and to save her.

“We’re friends. We have to get out of here and…” Alison moved too fast and the world spun around her. Bucky caught her and she finally blacked out.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           “I don’t think she did that,” said Sam pointing at the body that no longer had a face. Actually he barely had a head left and Natasha agreed even as Steve looked sick seeing the chair that wiped Bucky. Natasha filled them in on what they found downstairs and her theory about what happened.

           “Maybe she got away or they decided to have a little fun, but she wasn’t going to leave Bucky behind. She didn’t have a choice Sam,” said Natasha softly, but firmly.

           “That doesn’t explain where they are now,” said Sam.

           “Alison would have tried to contact us if she could by now,” said David and when Sam glared at him David went on quickly. “She could just be hurt and can’t reach out right now,” said David. Natasha looked at Steve who was still glaring at the chair.

“If Alison is hurt and Bucky is in some sort of Winter Soldier mindset than we have a huge problem,” said Natasha.

“Bigger than what we have right now?” spat Steve.

“If he feels threatened he’s going to go back to being a ghost. If Alison is really hurt and he can’t take her with him...he might eliminate her,” said Natasha. Steve went over to the chair and started tearing it apart with his bare hands.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            He knew her. Somehow he knew her and he couldn’t let her be hurt anymore. _She called me Bucky...my name is Bucky. Bucky Barnes._ Something in him snapped when it dawned on him what was going to happen to her. They had hurt him in the same way and he wasn’t going to let it happened to her. She seemed stunned and worried about him before she fainted in his arms.

She was right about getting out of here though and he carried out of the building and carefully laid her in the back of the van. She moaned and let out a cough that shook her body and made her wince even though she was passed out. _She might have broken ribs when he kicked her. We’ll wrap them once I’m sure it’s safe,_ thought Bucky. He took in her injuries and frowned. Her eye was swollen shut and he was sure her nose was broken based on her breathing. Her neck already had marks on it and he frowned thinking about how he had come too with his own hand on her neck. It was the fever and the cough that bothered him. She was sick and it pulled at something in his mind. _Steve had the flu and he complained about being cold even when he was burning up._

He checked the van for a tracking device and didn’t find any. It took a bit too hot wire the van and she let out a whimper from the back.

            “Please don’t,” she muttered before drifting back out.

            “How do I know you?” muttered Bucky driving away. She would sometimes mutter or whimper from the back, but she stayed asleep the whole time. They were near Maracaibo and he was sure there was somewhere they could stay and hide until she was better. _What if she doesn’t get better?_ Bucky shoved the thought away and parked the van in a lot once night came. He looked around the van and found the box that handlers kept money in and took a couple hundred in Bolivar and shoved it in his pocket. They would need somewhere to stay and lay low. He also found a Glock and he carefully put it in his pocket.

            “Hey. Hey. Wake up,” said Bucky and he shook her hard. She woke with a start and then her face softened when she saw it was him.

            “Did you call Steve?” she asked groggily.   _Did she mean his Steve? Steve Rogers? Why would he help me?_

            “Not yet. We need a secure location first. I’m going to find one and I’ll come back for you,” said Bucky and she frowned.

            “Don’t go,” she said. Bucky took in her appearance and frowned. She was covered in blood and badly bruised. _She’s going to attract attention and we don’t need that,_ thought Bucky.

            “You look horrible and I can’t take you with me right now. I’ll come back for you in a bit,” said Bucky. She went to get up and he forced her back down.

            “I’ll come back for you. Just wait here,” said Bucky. She looked tired and worried as she laid back down.

            “Be careful,” she said hoarsely before she drifted off again. Bucky left the van and locked it. _Just leave her to die_ and Bucky was horrified at the thought. _She wouldn’t leave me. I don’t know how I know that, but I know she wouldn't leave me to die._ _She killed those Hydra agents for me. Why?_

            “What’s her name?” muttered Bucky. They were in a rather empty part of town and he spotted a small rundown apartment building. He went in and spotted the landlord watching a game.

            “I want to rent an apartment,” said Bucky in Spanish and the landlord eyed him.

            “Laborer?” he asked and Bucky shrugged.

            “Looking for work,” said Bucky. The landlord shrugged and gave Bucky the weekly rate and Bucky gave him the money and the man tossed him the keys.

            “Third floor, Number two. Water and lights work and there is a bed with sheets and some towels,” said the landlord before turning back to the TV. Bucky took the keys and left. He picked up a pair of pants and a hooded sweatshirt at a corner booth before heading back to the van. He woke her up again and handed her the clothes. She quickly stripped her bloody clothes off and he spotted two bruises forming near her ribs. She pulled the hoodie over her face and he had to help her down the street to the apartment. The landlord didn’t notice them as they went upstairs to the apartment.

            “My head,” she muttered slumping over the second the door was shut. He carried her over to the bed and brushed her hair back from her face. She was burning up and her cough made her wince. He found the towels and he ran a hand towel under some cold water. Bucky sat down on the bed and scrubbed the blood off her face and her hands. She was probably a very pretty woman when her eye wasn’t blackened or her nose off center or her neck swollen and bruised. She woke up and gave him a small smile. Something about how she looked at him pulled at him and he gave her a small smile of his own. She said they were friends and he felt that she wasn’t lying. He had friends from before and she had mentioned Steve. Maybe she knew Steve and she had been sent to look for him? No it wasn’t making sense and he couldn’t remember her.

            “I don’t...I don’t remember your name,” he admitted and she nodded. She looked hurt for a second, deeply hurt before she pushed it away.

            “My name is Alison Conley,” she said softly and he nodded. He kept running his hand through her hair and she drifted back to sleep. He rinsed the bloody towel out before running it under the cold water again and placing it on her forehead the way he had seen Steve’s mom do when Steve was sick.

            “I know you,” said Bucky and he frowned as he tried to get something to stick in his head. “Alison...Alison...”

            _“Can I touch you?” she asked calmly and all he could do was nod.  She carefully took his face in her hands and she was almost cold to the touch. “Can you look at me please?” asked Alison softly and when he did look at her she gave him a sad smile. Her green eyes were patience and sad all at the same time. “That’s better,” she said and she brushed the damp hair off his face. Steve had his hand on his shoulder and he wasn’t sure what he had done to earn their kindness._

            “You know Steve,” said Bucky brushing her hair back. He had been somewhere with her and Steve.

            _“We’re you and Steve on a date the night I came in?” She smiled and turned red._

_“No. It was supposed to be a dinner to meet what Sam assured me was just a friend and he brought Steve. People were trying to push a date and neither one of us wanted it,” said Alison._

_“You’re too cute for him anyway, “said Bucky._

            “You are too pretty,” said Bucky and he kissed forehead and was confused a second later about why he felt he could do that to her. _She’s mine._ The thought just floated through without reason. He spotted the chain around her neck and he carefully pulled the necklace up and studied the tags. One them belong to him and his grip tightened on the tags.

            _“If you had been my girl back then I would have given you one of these,” said Bucky and he pressed the tag into her hand. Alison smiled and looked a little glassy eyed._

_“So I guess this means I’m your girl Sergeant Barnes?” asked Alison._

            “No...no...no..no..god no,” snapped Bucky and it woke her up.

            “Bucky?” asked Alison and he jerked away from her ashamed as memories started to slam back in. They were in pieces, but he remembered her and what she meant to him. How things had been for him the last six months and that he had been happy with her. _I had Steve back...I had a home. I had you and you loved me,_ thought Bucky.  

            “I remember. I remember...you. You’re my girl and I...damn it Ally what did I do to you?” asked Bucky. _Why are you asking? Look at her! That’s what you did!_  She stood up shakily and went over to him.

            “It wasn’t your fault. They wiped you again and you weren’t in control,” said Alison. She went to hug him and he stepped away.

            “I didn’t remember you,” said Bucky. “I could have killed you and I wouldn’t have known who you were. How can you even look at me right now?” asked Bucky.

“Because I love you that’s how,” said Alison looking at him with her one good eye pleading.

Bucky stood there shaking and he went to take a step towards her, before backing away. He put her in danger and nearly killed her without a second thought because someone told him to do it. He didn’t remember that he loved her and would have forgotten her for good if she hadn’t gotten him out of there. _She killed for you. She had to save herself and she had to save you from yourself._ Bucky looked at Alison and knew she would never blame him for what he had done. That she did still love him despite the nightmare she had gone through, despite the bruises and hurt he had caused her. _She’s not safe loving you. Did you really think you could have anything good after everything you’ve done?_

“I love you too Ally,” said Bucky. He hugged her and she hugged him back just has hard and he could feel the tears on his neck.

“I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t...I couldn’t let them hurt you again. We’ll go home and it will be alright again,” whispered Alison. _I would have watched them hurt you if I hadn’t snapped out of it. I almost did,_ thought Bucky and the memory of that animal with his hands on her had him shaking again with rage. Alison held him tighter and buried her face in shoulder. She started coughing again and she nearly doubled over from it. Bucky pulled her back to the bed and crawled into the bed to hold her. She was passing out again and she kissed his check.

“Just give me a few minutes and we’ll figure out how to call the others. We’ll go home...you...I love you,” muttered Alison before slipping out again. The tears were hot and bitter for Bucky. He never should have pulled her into this. He should have planned a way out after his arm had been reattached. _It would have been easier if I had walked away then,_ thought Bucky

“I shouldn’t have fallen in love you with you. I couldn’t help it,” said Bucky softly. He kissed her forehead before scooping her up in his arms. She stirred for a second before drifting back off. He walked three blocks with her; she woke up a few times before dropping back off and coughing. Bucky spotted the clinic and something in his heart froze. _We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to leave. We can go home. Don’t hurt her like this._

“It’s for the best. She already knows how to move on,” said Bucky to himself. He walked into the clinic with her. It was empty except for a dozing nurse behind a desk.

“I need help,” said Bucky in Spanish and the nurse shot up in her chair. She looked at Alison and her face went white. “She was mugged. Can you help her?” asked Bucky. The nurse yelled for a doctor and went into the back. Bucky carefully laid Alison on a row of chairs. She looked up confused.

“Where are we?” asked Alison. Bucky kissed her carefully on the mouth. He could feel the fever coming off her in waves. _This is for the best._

“You’re going home. I love you,” said Bucky and he walked away. She called for him hoarsely and he started running. Alison went to get up and the world spun again.

“Bucky...Bucky...James,” called Alison. She made it to the door to see him disappear down the street. Tears stung her swollen eye and blurred the vision she had in her good eye. Someone speaking Spanish pulled her back inside and Alison was too tired and weak to fight them. They were asking her name and she told them her name before slipping into blackness again.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            “Three days,” said Sam and Steve looked at him confused. They were still in South America looking for any sort of clue that would lead them to Bucky and Alison. Nothing was turning up and they had been missing for over twenty four hours now.

“After the Invasion, we couldn’t find Alison or Matt for three days. It was such a cluster, no one had ID’s, bodies were messed up bad and they took people to whatever hospital they could. I went to two different morgues three times each morning to see if Alison or Matt were there. I found Matt’s body on the third day and her grandfather got the call she was alive an hour later. I really didn’t know what I would have done if I found her in the morgue. When I found Matt there was this flicker of relief that I didn’t find Alison. I almost lost her once Steve and I don’t know if I can look through morgues again for her,” said Sam.

“I wanted to look for Bucky in the Alps, but we didn’t have the manpower to do it. I told myself the second the war was over I was going to look for him. I didn’t care if I had to it myself. I won’t let you do it alone,” said Steve. Sam sighed.

“I haven’t told Sophia or Renee. They’re gonna kill me,” said Sam. “I told them she wouldn’t be in any superhero antics,” said Sam and he looked defeated.

Sam had looked for Bucky for over a year and half and had always seemed to be a step or two behind him. He had pulled himself away from his family and his best friend to try and help him and it was debt Steve wondered how and if he could ever repay it. David was combing through police reports and Natasha was listening for any underground chatter on someone wanting out of Venezuela.

“Si. cabello castaño, ojos verdes ... sobre 5'5 5’6,” said David quickly and excited. He grabbed a pen and started writing. “Había un hombre con ella?” asked David and his face fell about a bit. “Sólo ella. Gracias. Estaremos allí pronto.” David hung up the phone and turned to them.

“There is an Alison in a hospital in Maracaibo,” said David. Sam sank into a chair and looked ready to faint from relief. David looked at Steve sadly. “They said a man brought her in claiming that she was mugged and he just left. From the description he sounded like Bucky,” said David. Steve sat down with a crushing weight on his shoulders. His friend was a ghost again.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

           

            “Hey. Hey sleepy head. Wake up,” said a male voice and Alison muttered at him to leave her alone and let her sleep.

            “You know this has got to be a first. A bride who skips out and wants to sleep at her own wedding,” said the voice and Alison felt her heart slam into ribs. It had been so long since she had heard that voice and well it had to be dream. Alison looked up and there standing over in his black suit with the purple tie she had bought for him one Christmas was Matt. Alison looked up at him stunned and he squatted down next to her. His bright brown eyes took her in and he laughed.

            “You know you’re going to get that white dress dirty taking naps on the beach,” teased Matt. Alison took in her surroundings and they were near Coney Island.

            “I don’t care,” said Alison and she threw herself at him and hugged him tightly. She had been having a nightmare. One long, drawn out and very intense nightmare that made her want to cry.

            “Hey. Geez Ally you’re shaking,” said Matt and he took off his jacket and wrapped it around her. It was his scent, coffee and Dior. Had she really thought he was gone?

            “It was just a really bad dream,” said Alison and she kissed him hard. Something in the back of mind was protesting. _James._ And she shoved it away. James...Bucky...he wasn’t real and even so in the dream he had left her behind. She was awake and home with someone who loved her. _You would never leave me behind,_ thought Alison.

            “Damn maybe should have bad dreams more often,” teased Matt when he pulled away. He sat down in the sand next to her and sighed. “I think you had the right idea coming out. It’s a zoo in there. My mom is tossing out her backhanded compliments to Sophia’s aunt about the flowers, my dad and your grandpa are cleaning out the bar and I think one of your coworkers is coming on to my gay friend from band camp. All in all a good day,” said Matt taking her left hand and kissing it. The wedding band clinked on the engagement ring and Alison grinned while leaning her head on his shoulder.

            “Do you want to go back inside?” asked Matt and Alison shook her head. If they went back inside it would be noise and talk and people wanting to know how soon everything was going to start-her career, his career, when would they start having babies. No she wanted some peace and quiet for ten minutes

            “It’s nice out here. Let’s stay just a bit longer,” said Alison. She looked down the beach and saw Sam and it froze something inside her. Why was he just standing there looking at her? Alison closed her eyes and put her head on Matt’s shoulder. She was home now and she wanted to stay here.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            “Come on. Wake up. Open those pretty eyes and give me some sass,” whispered Sam gripping Alison’s hand hard. Steve stood in the doorway listening to Sam plead with Alison to wake up and he was listening to David plead with doctor to release her so they could take her back to New York. She was running a fever of close to 105 and they were worried about it getting higher and what it could do to her on the way back to the States. She also had two broken ribs, a broken nose, a concussion, bruises from being strangled and pneumonia. Steve looked at the woman in the bed and clearly there was a mistake. The happy woman he had seen out the door a day ago was replaced by a beaten shell that was trying to hang on and was losing. She was sick and although they were pumping anything they could to lower her fever and fight for her, it seemed to be a Band-Aid on a bullet wound. Natasha hovered near the bed and Steve saw her take Alison in before she locked herself down. He had seen her look at Fury that way when they had been operating on him.

“Daño cerebral,” said one of the doctors and Steve could hear David trying to stay calm.

“Tenemos diferentes opciones de tratamiento en el hogar. Por favor, podemos tenerla de vuelta en los Estados Unidos en tres o cuatro horas. Ella sostiene en este momento y si queremos moverla tiene que ser ahora!” said David.

“ Su vida, sus manos,” said the doctor and he left to get paperwork to sign her out. Nurses came in and shooed them out to unhook Alison from everything. The Quinjet was on the roof. They just had to get her own the jet and pray she made it back to the Tower. David already called Cho and Banner to meet them at the Tower. David didn’t want the other students to see her this way. _I don’t want them to see her this way,_ thought Steve.

“I’ll make sure everything is ready,” said David and he headed for the jet. Natasha took Steve’s arm and Steve shook his head.

“He left her and he has a three hour head start on us. The only reason we found him is because she brought him in. I owe her,” said Steve. Natasha nodded and went over to Sam to help him sign the release the forms. There was a part of Steve that wanted to go after Bucky and him come home even though he knew couldn’t. The nurses left and he saw Alison on the bed trying to fight and that if Bucky were in his right mind he wouldn’t have left her. _You would want me to stay with her in your place. For you Buck. I’ll stay with her for you,_ thought Steve. They wheeled Alison out and to the jet. They needed to get her home.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Bucky took the van and drove until it ran out of gas about fifty miles from the border separating Venezuela and Colombia. He pulled the van over and grabbed a backpack that had a change of clothes and a few weapons. He stuffed the money box in the backpack and was about to leave when he spotted the bloody clothes Alison had left behind. Bucky picked up the light brown sweater and frowned. It still faintly smelled like her, but it was mixed with smell of copper and smoke. He liked how she looked in the sweater, it made her eyes seem greener and it clung to her frame. _We could go back. She still loves us and we could…_

“Shut up!” hissed Bucky. He balled the sweater up and shoved into a side pocket of the backpack. He left the van and started walking on the side of the road.

            _What are you doing?_ asked a voice in a head and it sounded so much like Alison that Bucky almost thought it was her. There was no one and this was how it should be. Did he really think he could go back and be normal after everything he had done? That he could still do with a few words being spoken.  

Alison had been able to bring him out of it, but what if it hadn’t work? He would have been a mindless tool again that remembered nothing. He shouldered the backpack and kept walking. _You left her. She was sick and hurt and you left her. After everything she did for you, you left her alone in the middle of nowhere. She won’t love you anymore. Why would she love you after that? And Steve. Do you really think he’ll understand this? You left him too when he was hurt. They saved your life and you just walk away. How are they going to explain what happened to Becca?_ Bucky wiped his eyes and kept walking. He needed to put miles in before Steve started looking for him. _Unless Steve stayed with her since you left._ He hoped Steve had stayed with Alison. Someone had to look out for now and she was safer with Steve than she had ever been with him. Becca might also be safer with him gone. _Take care of my girls,_ thought Bucky as he crossed the border into Colombia.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Something about this was wrong and Alison couldn’t put her finger on it. Matt’s head rested on hers and she leaned back against him. He played with the loose strands of her hair and he sang in a mock British accent.

            _The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore_

_The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky_

_The tears always clouding your eyes_

_When you’re without love._

 

            “Darling you are no Alan Rickman,” said Alison looking up at him and he sighed.

            “I tried. I think that movie was the first time I saw you cry,” said Matt grinning as Alison turned around in mock rage.

“I was not crying over that movie. I was crying because we were in a shitty motel in Atlantic City and we placed third in a battle of bands competition. That band who won was horrible and the backup vocalist was clearly blowing one of the judges,” said Alison and Matt laughed.

“You were watching Truly, Madly, Deeply on Encore. Sitting on the bed with a box of donut holes and crying during that poem scene,” said Matt grinning and Alison couldn’t help smile back.

“He was leaving huge chunks out of that poem and his accent was terrible,” said Alison with a small laugh as the memory came back to her. “You said you would come back and haunt me. That you would bring back much cooler ghosts and…” Alison felt herself tear up and Matt looked at her puzzled.

“You sure you’re alright?” asked Matt.

“That dream. It was super weird and vivid and it just felt so real even though it was crazy. It was some next level crazy,” said Alison.

“What made it so crazy?” asked Matt.

“Sam had a jetpack and worked for Captain America for starters,” said Alison and Matt shook his head.

“Okay. Give them up,” said Matt holding out his hand.

“What?” asked Alison.

“Whatever sample drug you decided to pop to calm your nerves. Clearly it was awesome,” said Matt and Alison shook her head.

“It had good moments, but some of it...I...you died and I...,” said Alison. She looked away to try to get it together when she saw a tall blonde man with a young woman in a red jacket standing where Sam had been. _It’s Friday night I just want to walk out the front door. My mother always put cinnamon in her brownies._ Alison can almost hear their voices and it froze something in her. _It was a dream. It was all a dream._

“Ally?” asked Matt and she took Matt’s hand and squeezed.

“Let’s go for a walk,” said Alison. She leaned against Matt and they started walking down the beach.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

            “She thinks this is the dream,” said Wanda softly and she stroked Alison’s head. Steve looked down at Alison and sighed. _If she doesn’t make it, I’ll have to tell Bucky if we find him again and he’ll blame himself even more. He won’t come back, not really if she dies. I don’t know if Sam would come back from losing her._ Wanda was talking softly to Alison and Steve wondered how she would handle another loss.  Wanda had insisted on coming with Cho and Bruce and had paced nonstop until she was allowed to see Alison. Steve watched her face pale, but she held it together. She hadn’t left Alison’s side since they were allowed to see her.

They were back at the Tower and Cho, David and Bruce had gone back and forth about Alison’s treatment. According to Cho, Alison’s immune system was already messed up so they started her on a high dose of antibiotics. The fever had slipped a degree, but it was still very high. She needed some help breathing since her nose was broken, she kept coughing and being choked had bruised her airway so now she had tubes up her noses She had a tube in one arm for pain meds, another pumping in the antibiotics and one under the sheets to collect urine to test. They had to wear gloves, masks and gowns to be anywhere near her since her immune system was in such a bad state.

“What’s she really dreaming about?” asked Steve sitting down.

“Her boyfriend who died,” said Wanda frowning. “She’s confused about what’s going on though. Bucky... if he was dream it doesn’t hurt so much,” said Wanda and Steve took Alison’s free hand and squeezed it. Steve had ordered Sam to rest, though Steve doubted he was doing much resting. Alison had put Sam in charge of all her care if she couldn’t make a decision and Steve could only imagine the weight. _You were supposed to be in charge of Bucky’s well-being and look what happened,_ thought Steve. He should have insisted they be more careful going out, but he wanted something to be normal in Bucky’s life. He could see the old Bucky when they were together. _Didn’t you use him enough? Bullies. They had to take everything,_ thought Steve.

“She still loves Bucky, but watching him go,” said Wanda and she quickly wiped her eyes and cut herself off.

“I know it hurt her,” said Steve and Wanda nodded.

“Are you going to look for him again?” asked Wanda.

“Once she pulls through  and I can tell him something good,” said Steve.

“Captain, Mr. Stark is here. He would like to see in his lab,” said Friday. Steve patted Wanda’s hand.

“I’ll be back soon,” said Steve. He stripped off the gown, gloves and mask the second he was out of the room and looked back at Wanda. She looked like she was singing to Alison and Steve forced himself upstairs.

When he got upstairs Tony, Bruce, Cho, David and Sam were waiting. Cho and Bruce looked bothered while David looked slightly nervous, but hopeful. Tony and Sam were impossible to read at the moment. Then again Tony was always a bit impossible to get a beat on, Sam on the other hand was always easy to read and it worried Steve that he couldn't read him. He looked older than thirty and unbelievable tired in both mind and body. Steve took a seat and Cho looked to Bruce.

“Her latest test results are back and she’s just getting worse. We have on the strongest medication we can give her and it’s not making a dent. We don’t know how long she’s been running that fever, but that combined with all the stress she’s been under for the last twenty four hours hasn’t helped. We’re going to up her pain medication so she...well you know,” said Bruce and Steve felt like he had been kicked in the gut. _So she won’t feel it when she goes,_ thought Steve. They had drugged his own mother to that point when she was sick and Steve hoped she really hadn’t felt any pain. He felt enough pain for her.

“Or we could try what I suggested,” said Tony annoyed and Bruce glared at him as Cho spoke up.

“We have no idea what that could do to her,” said Cho. “She’s a person not a lab rat,” snapped Cho.

“It’s a worth a shot though,” said David and he looked at Steve. “If you want to hear us out on it,” said David.

“What do you have in mind?” asked Steve puzzled.

“Well your blood underwent a lot of tests back in the day to see if they could recreate the Super Solider Serum. They didn’t have a lot of luck and they burned through all their samples by 49. However, Howard had theory, but he didn’t have a sample to run tests with. He thought your blood might have cures for stuff. Colds, flus...hell maybe even cancer,” said David.

“There was accident and dad lost his sample of your blood before he could run the tests. I say we see if his idea had any merit,” said Tony and Sam looked at Tony and David as what they were suggesting sunk in.

“You want to give Alison a blood transfusion from Steve? Are they even compatible?” asked Sam.

“Alison is A positive, Steve is O negative so there shouldn’t be a bad reaction,” said David and Sam gave them a look of like he had bitten into something sour.

“You want to test a seventy year old theory on my best friend?” asked Sam.

“She might not be your best friend much longer unless we do something,” said Tony. Sam looked ready to swing when Bruce grabbed him.

“I’ll let you hit him later,” said Bruce.

“Could it hurt her?” asked Steve and Sam looked at him.

“Steve…” started Sam and David cut him off.

“Well no it shouldn’t hurt her, but it could have side effects due to the serum. The one we’re hoping for is that serum will fight off the pneumonia since her body can’t do it. You heal four times faster than the normal person. It’s a shot in the dark in the really, but it’s something,” said David.

“If we could test it out first,” said Cho and Bruce sighed.

“Time is not in our favor to test it out,” said Bruce. “I still don’t think it’s a good idea though,” said Bruce.  

“We’re not going to zap her with any Vita Rays, Gamma Rays or any sort of rays so we can eliminate any of those mishaps” said Tony.

“What other side effects are we talking about?” asked Sam and David nodded to Steve.

“Well the super strength and speed might be one. Since we’re not going to use the Vita Rays she might not get the height boost,” said David smiling weakly. Steve thought about what Erskine had told him the night before he went through Project Rebirth. _The serum amplifies everything inside, so  good becomes great, and bad becomes worse. So that’s why you were chosen._ Would Erskine have chosen someone like Alison to go through Project Rebirth? Steve thought he would have. She was a good person and there was still a lot of good she could do. She had chosen to help a man that others would have walked away from. _Even before she knew who he was she tried to help him._ Steve thought of her work with Wanda, how she had befriend Becca...she was his friend too. He had a great deal of faith in Alison and not just because Bucky loved her, but because she had earned her place on this team and she was family.

“I’ll do it,” said Steve quickly and the others looked at him. Bruce and Cho looked unhappy, David looked relieved and Tony looked ready to get to work. Sam looked worried for some reason though.

“I can’t...you don’t have to do this,” said Sam. “If this doesn’t work out you’ll blame yourself and…” Steve interrupted gently.

“And you’ll blame yourself if we don’t try everything we can to help her. She’s my friend too Sam,” said Steve and Sam sighed.

“I know,” said Sam.

“How much blood do you need?” asked Steve.

“A pint maybe. They were testing it in small doses so we’ll just give her a vile or two to see if it has any effect,” said David.  

“What we don’t use I want destroyed,” said Steve. Tony looked annoyed as David quickly agreed. “And if she pulls through we’re not going to treat her like a lab rat. We’ll let her recover and she goes back on the team,” said Steve thinking about how they wanted him in a lab.

“Well Alison is a medical person...she might want to put herself in a lab and run her own tests,” said Cho annoyed.

“We’ll cross that bridge when it happens. Come on. I’ll take your blood sample,” said David. Steve followed David and while Steve didn’t pray much anymore he thought of his mother and asked her for some help.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

 _Bucky_ _woke up slowly with Alison curled up behind him, one arm wrapped around him and her hand holding his. Bucky rolled over to face her and Alison was half awake already._

_“Morning,” said Alison softly. She had just come back from Niagara after spreading her grandfather’s ashes. She still looked tired to him, but accepting of her grandfather’s passing. Bucky kissed her forehead and pulled her closer. He saw the tags around her neck and started to fiddle with them._

_“Did you always wear your father’s tags?” asked Bucky._

_“No. I started to wear them after I got out of the hospital. A reminder to not give up again,” said Alison._

_“You were just going to let me have them,” said Bucky looking down at his own tags. Well one was his and the other was her father’s. Considering how her grandfather had reacted when he had seen him with them it still stunned him that she let him have them._

_“You needed a reminder to not give up,” said Alison. “I  know how easy is it to want to give up.” She tucked his hair back and settled next to him. Bucky held their tags in his hands as she fell back asleep. She needed the rest badly after the week she had._

_“Thanks for not giving up on me,” said Bucky as he drifted back to sleep._

Bucky woke up on the floor of some warehouse and it hit him like a fist that he had sent her away. That he left her. _It’s for her own good. She’ll be safe without me._

 _You gave up on us._ Bucky wondered if and when he would stop hearing her voice in his head. He didn’t know how much room he had for his own voices, let alone hers. He shouldered the pack and was careful to not leave any hint that he had been there.

Bucky wondered if Steve was looking for him yet or if they Hydra goons were looking for him after the mess left at the hideout. He needed to get out of the country and quickly. He didn’t want to head back to the States and he didn’t want to stay here. Maybe Europe would be a safe bet. Bucky bought a small coffee and weighed his options. He thought about what Bruce had told him about his time on the run. _Boats are the best way to get around. I could always get a loading job or a kitchen job on a boat and get taken wherever I wanted with no questions._ Bucky gave a wry smile at the thought. He had worked on loading docks, but never really thought about where the boats came from or where they went. He finished his coffee and noticed the tags still visible. Bucky quickly tucked them under his shirt and frowned.

He should get rid of them. They would make him stand out. If people saw them they might ask questions. He wore two black gloves to hid his hands and baseball cap he picked up to hide his face. He knew how to hide and not be seen anyone. It was a little scary how easy was for him to go back into the shadows. He should get rid of them, but the metal felt familiar on his skin and reassuring somehow. _One of them belongs to her. She gave you something that meant a great deal to her. She wouldn’t throw yours away,_ thought Bucky.

Was she alright? Did Steve and the other find her and get her home? _I should have stayed, but it was too risky. They had to call the cops once they saw her and they would ask questions that I don’t have answers too._ Bucky went into a shop and bought a cheap phone before heading to another warehouse to hide. He made it point to memorize numbers and he dialed the number to someone who would give him answers and understand why he was running again.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

            Alison stopped in her tracks and looked at the little coffee shop. _They tore it down five years ago. It’s a Starbucks now,_ thought Alison. She went to fiddle with her necklace and couldn’t find it. Maybe that was what clued her in that something was wrong or maybe she had known all along this was wrong. There was no way she would have been allowed to sneak out of her own wedding. She thought long and hard and couldn’t recall the ceremony or the days leading up to it. She remembered the car crash though and all the things that had happened afterward with glaring clarity. Matt was gone and so was Bucky. Well he wasn’t gone, but he had left her and somehow that hurt even more than if he had died.

            “We had our first date here,” said Alison and Matt grinned

            “Well it really wasn’t a date. We just hung out. I was too damn nervous to ask you out,” said Matt. They went inside and Alison noticed two elderly men playing chess and mocking each other.

            “Thought you were supposed to be the smart one,” teased the man who still had a bit of blond in his hair and he took the queen off the board. The other man straightened up and Alison noticed his left arm was missing. It was his eyes though that caught her attention, how blue they were. _Bucky?_

            “Well we all mess up from time to time,” he said. He shook his head and looked over at her and Matt and grinned. “Did you ditch some poor guy at the altar to be with him?”

            “Nope. Somehow I conned her into being with me,” said Matt. He went to order their drinks and Alison was trying to wrap her head around what was going on.

            “Congratulations,” said Bucky with a small smile. Well she assumed it was Bucky and she smiled back.

            “Thank you,” said Alison and the other man Alison now assumed to be Steve shook his head.

            “Didn’t you sneak out of my wedding?” asked Steve and Bucky grinned.

            “ I skipped out with Dugan and Jim to go to bar for real drinks,” said Bucky and he looked back over to Alison.

            “He tried to set me with one of his wife’s cousins. She had a terrible sense of humor. You look like you got some humor in you. Your husband is lucky I’m not seventy some years younger or else I might have talked you into something stupid,” teased Bucky. Alison wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or scream.  Matt came back and he sat down their drinks and Alison smiled at the hot chocolate. Steve and Bucky went back to their chess game and Matt studied her.

            “You never told me how the poem went,” said Matt.

            “What?” asked Alison and Matt took her hand and he looked so serious it made her nervous.

            “You aren’t stupid Ally. You know that you don’t belong here. I’m really happy you don’t belong here. Not yet anyway,” said Matt and his face soften a bit and Alison looked down at her drink.

“I’m tired Matty. I’m so tired of having to let people go. I’ve been saying goodbye to people since I was five. I know it’s selfish, but I miss so many people,” said Alison.

“You have a lot people who will miss you now. They need you more than we do. He needs you more than you know,” said Matt and he looked over to where Steve and Bucky sat.

“He left me,” said Alison numbly. “Maybe you were it for me,” said Alison and he squeezed her hand.

“Maybe you’re it for him. He loves you. You love him. I will admit I did not see you falling for a ninety year old guy, but he loves you. It scares him how much he loves you,” said Matt.

“Fear is the heart of love,” said Alison softly and Matt shook his head.

“It’s nice to see how much of a dork you still are. I mean it though. He needs you. It’s not going to easy, it’s going to suck and people are going to get hurt. They’re going to need you though. It’s who you are,” said Matt. Alison looked over to where Bucky and Steve sat and her heart hurt. She did still love him and she would do anything to bring him home.

“My Spanish is still terrible so I’ll need you to tell me that poem in English,” said Matt and Alison gave him a look.

“Really?” she asked.

“It’s important. The whole poem” said Matt gripping her hand. Alison nodded and the words came to her. _I had to memorize this for my Spanish finale. Pablo Neruda… The Dead Woman_

           

If suddenly you do not exist,

If suddenly you no longer live,

I shall live on

 

I do not dare,

I do not dare to write it,

If you die

I shall live on.

 

For where a man has no voice,

there, my voice

Where blacks are beaten,

I cannot be dead.

When my brothers go to prison

I shall go with them.

 

When victory

Not my victory,

But the great victory comes,

Even though I am mute I must speak;

I shall see it come even though I am blind.

 

No, forgive me.

If you no longer live,

If you, beloved, my love,

If you have died,

All the leaves will fall in my breast,

It will rain on my soul night and day

The snow will burn my heart

I shall walk with frost and fire and death and snow,

My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but

I shall stay alive.

Because above all things

You wanted be indomitable,

and , my love, because you know that I am not only a man

But all mankind

 

Alison felt her throat close up near the end and Matt squeezed her hand.

“You have always been indomitable. You just forgot. Don’t forget it again,” said Matt.

“I still miss hearing you play,” said Alison.

“I know. Sometimes I miss that too,” said Matt. She hugged him hard before she joined Steve and Bucky. Bucky grinned up her and Alison felt her chest get a bit tighter. She couldn’t go back so the only choice was going forward. It was going to hurt, Maybe more than she could imagine. She sat down and took his right hand. He was no longer the old man he should have been. Bucky looked at her with those sad blue eyes and Alison hugged him hard. He seemed stunned before hugging her back.

“Let’s go home,” said Alison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Steve watched as Alison stirred and let out a small moan. He saw her wince at the light and he quickly dimmed it more. It took her awhile to open both her eyes, one more than the other and take in where she was. Sam was sleeping in a chair by her bed and Wanda had taken a bed down the hall. Steve couldn’t sleep and stayed by her side. Natasha came in every so often and brought him coffee. David, Bruce and Cho kept taking readings and samples after they had done the transfusion. The fever had finally broken about two hours ago and her cough seemed to be lessening. Tony looked in on her a bit ago and shook his head.

“Oz was really rough on you Dorothy. Hopefully coming back to Kansas won’t be so bad,” said Tony and he looked at Steve. “There’s a hospital in California that has a really good teaching program. I’ll see if I can pull some strings and she can start there fresh in spring,” said Tony.

“Why would she want to leave?” asked Steve and Tony looked at him blankly.

“Why would she want to stay after this? She was kidnapped, had god knows what done to her and is barely out of the woods fighting for her life. A real fresh start might do her some good,” said Tony. Before Steve could say anything further Tony was leaving the room. _He’s his father, they need the last word,_ thought Steve. Alison had started to wake up shortly after.

“Steve,” whispered Alison and she tried to sit up.

“Hey. Hey. Take it easy,” said Steve and he gently made her stay down.

“I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry. I didn’t think he would…” Alison swallowed hard and winced. _She doesn’t want me to see her cry,_ thought Steve. Steve squeezed her hand and looked her right in the eyes.

“It wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. You did the best you could under the circumstances,” said Steve. “You’re alive and so is Bucky. Let’s just focus on that right now,” said Steve and Alison nodded. Steve rang for Bruce before waking Sam up. Sam looked over and saw Alison was awake and he came over her bed and gave her a quick forehead kiss.

“Welcome home,” said Sam looking happier than Steve had ever seen him.

“It’s good to be home,” said Alison and she looked at her IV bags. “I feel...weird. What am I on?” asked Alison. Sam looked at Steve and Bruce came in and looked relieved and worried all at once,

“I’ll give you an extension on your assignments for this week,” said Bruce and Alison gave him a ghost of a smile. Bruce took her temperature and other vitals before explaining what had happened and what they had done. Alison looked back and forth at Sam and Steve stunned.

“You didn’t have to do that for me. You didn’t…”

“Save your life?” asked Sam and Alison looked near tears.

“No...I mean…” Bruce shook his head.

“You’ve had a really long forty eight hours and you need some real rest. We’ll do another CT Scan later,” said Bruce. He adjusted her medication and Alison dropped back off. Bruce motioned they all needed to step out.

“Let’s see if that keeps her out a bit longer. Her temperature is back to normal, I didn’t hear anything when she coughed and well her bruises seem to be changing color already. I think she might have gotten that super healing. We’ll see if she gets the rest of it when she’s feeling better. Right now just let her sleep,” said Bruce heading back to the lab.

“She just needs time now,” said Sam. _She’s going to need a lot time to work through everything,_ thought Steve.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

           Bruce was about to input Alison’s latest vitals when his phone rang. Without looking at the caller ID he answered the call.

           “Hello,” said Bruce.

           “Is she alright? Did you find her?” asked Bucky and Bruce almost dropped the phone.

           “Where are you?” asked Bruce.

           “Is she alright?” repeated Bucky and Bruce could hear the rising note of panic in his voice.

           “She’s resting right now. She’s going to be alright,” said Bruce. He didn’t get into how she was going to be alright over the phone. It would come later when it was time.  Bruce knew he just needed a basic answer.

           “I didn’t mean to hurt her. Not the real me...I didn’t have control,” said Bucky sounding defeated and Bruce sighed.

           “I know. I know,” said Bruce. He did know all too well what it was like to have the one  you love see a monster. That even after seeing the monster they still loved you.

“I just need to think. I can’t think with her because I feel too much with her,” said Bucky sounding panicked again.

“It’s alright. Take all the time you need. She’ll be here when you come back,” said Bruce. He had a feeling that Alison would be here no matter what Tony offered her.

“I don’t know if I can come back. I don’t know if I should have come back to start with,” said Bucky more to himself than to Bruce. “I’m glad she’s alright. It’s all I needed to know,” said Bucky before ending the call. Bruce sighed and thought about getting Steve or Natasha to let them know Bucky had made contact. A trace on the phone number would be useless since Bucky most likely got a burner cell and he stayed on long enough for a trace.

Bruce put the data in and sat in his chair exhausted. He knew all too well the need to run and hide It was easier to hide than to fight. He wished he would have told Bucky to stay and fight.

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           Bucky smashed the phone once the call was ended. He didn’t think Bruce would try anything to locate him, but it was better safe than sorry. Bucky went to reorganize the pack when he found the balled up sweater in the pack. He frowned looking at it, why had he grabbed it? It still smelled a bit like her despite the blood on it. Bucky frowned looking at the blood and he took it into a small bathroom and started trying to get the blood off. The blood was dry and stiff so he couldn’t get it all off. He wrung it out and put it back in the pack. _Why are you keeping that? Because I need to. I need to remember her. They made me forget and I don’t want to forget anything,_ thought Bucky.

           _You should write it down. Like we did before._ Her voice in his head again. Calm and rational in his head. Maybe her voice in his head wouldn’t be so bad. Bucky finished packing and headed down to the docks to see about a boat job to Europe. On the way he stopped in a small bookstore and bought three hardbound journals and a set of pens. He wouldn’t forget again.

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           Steve told Becca in person what had happened and that Bucky was missing again, Becca looked out her window fighting back her tears the way Alison had done.

           “Poor Bucky. Poor Alison. Oh Steve, this isn’t your fault either,” said Becca and she took Steve’s hand and Steve could barely look at her.

           “I thought he safe now that he was home. I just wanted him to happy again,” said Steve.

           “He was..is happy. He came home once. I’m sure he’ll find it again,” said Becca and she kissed him on the forehead. “You came home again,” said Becca softly.

           “Did I?” asked Steve and Becca hugged him.

           “You’ve made one and don’t forget that. You are a good man Steve Rogers. I know my brother and he’s a stubborn one, but he’ll do the right thing in the end. Just like someone else I know,” said Becca. After Steve left she called her son and told him she wanted to make a small change in her will. She wanted to leave her mother’s ring to a friend.

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           Maria had done her debriefing, Bruce had done her head CT Scan to make sure she didn’t have any injuries there, Wanda had Vision bring her Bailey and Sam had finally gone to sleep. Alison sat up with the puppy in her bed. The dog rested her head on Alison’s lap and kept looking at her worried. Alison stroked the dog’s head without much thought. She felt weird, like her body was humming. She knew her side didn’t hurt anymore and that she was able to see out of her other eye better now. The swelling around her neck was already fading. They still wouldn’t let her look in a mirror until the surgeon came in and fixed her nose. _Humming...like electricity in a wire. Was this how Steve felt afterwards? Is this what Bucky felt afterwards?_

She knew that Bucky had left because he felt it would protect her, but it still didn’t change the hurt. She had hoped for a second that she would wake up and find Bucky here with her. He wasn’t here and no one had a clue to where he could have gone. Her free hand went up to tags and she toyed with them. Lost in her thoughts she didn’t notice Natasha until she sat down on the bed and started petting the dog.

“You held your own out there,” said Natasha and Alison shrugged dismissively. “None of that,” said Natasha sharply and Alison looked at her.

“I killed four people, I barely made it out and I lost Bucky in the process. Not seeing a lot of win in this,” said Alison.

“I knew an agent who an assignment go bad in Bahrain. Three teams were taken hostage and there was an unknown number of hostiles. She got in, took out the hostiles and saved almost all the hostages. She couldn’t get over the one she couldn’t save and it ruined her for a long time. You did what needed to do to get out. Bucky is out there and still in his mind. You saved him from something worse. You saved yourself,” said Natasha. She got up to leave when Alison spoke up.

“I didn’t want to kill them, but I knew if I didn’t they were going to kill me or something even worse with Bucky. I didn’t feel anything when I did it...now I just feel weird and numb,” said Alison.

“It will pass. You held your own. Don’t be ashamed of that,” said Natasha before leaving the room. Alison looked down at the dog and wondered what she would feel when she stopped feeling weird and numb. Right now there was only one other thing she could think of.

“I’m going to find you no matter what it takes or how long I have to look. I’m going to find you,” said Alison.

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           Bucky found a boat going to Argentina and in a month he could get one going to Spain. From there he could go anywhere. He sat in his bunk with his journal and started writing.

           _My name is James Buchanan Barnes. I was born in March 15th of 1917. I had a mother named Wendy and a sister named Rebecca. My best friend was Steve Rogers and I have a girl named Alison Conley._

           The others were playing cards or sleeping in their bunks. Bucky opened his pack and took out Alison’s sweater and held it. She would come looking for him and Bucky wasn’t sure what he would do if she found him. He missed Alison, but he was doing this for her. _She can go back to a normal life._ He put the sweater and the journal back in his pack. Bucky drifted off to sleep and dreamed that he came home from the war. He went to dance hall and there in her purple dress waiting for him was Alison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can watch The Poem scene in Truly, Madly, Deeply with Alan Rickman and not cry I suggest you see the doctor ASAP. I had wanted to use this poem in this story even before his passing. Truly, Madly, Deeply did inspire a bit of Alison. Look it up on Youtube.  
> One chapter to go before I pick up with Civil War. Let me know what you think.


	29. It's a souvenir for when you go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated M

_December 30th 2015_

  
  


Alison got off the bus and shouldered her backpack as other tourists and locals walked around her. It had been years since she had been in Spain and what she was doing was a leap of faith, logic and somewhat desperate hope that she knew Bucky. It was a small port town and boats from South America came here all the time. _He could be gone by now. Long gone. In France or maybe he hopped another boat that would take him to Africa. He could have stayed in South America and tried getting back into the State. You have to try though. It’s worth a shot._

Alison started fiddling with her tags and felt the ring hitting the tags. She carefully put the necklace inside her shirt. It wasn’t a very valuable ring money wise, but it’s emotional value couldn’t be calculated. It was a gift from the woman that would have been her sister in law. Alison started walking towards the boats and tried to ignore the dull pain of that thought. She had to tell him that Becca had passed away. _I just need to find Bucky._ She started walking towards the docks and hoped that she was making the right choice. _Sam is going to be so pissed when he finds out you’ve taken off like this,_ thought Alison.  

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It was Steve who was pissed off the most when Natasha had told him Alison had taken off _._ Alison had told him she was going to catch an early flight home after Becca’s funeral and so when Steve returned to Headquarters and Natasha told him Alison hadn’t checked in yet the worry and rage started creeping in. They tried pinging her phone and got nothing. Her credit cards told them nothing, but she had taken out three thousand from her bank account. They couldn’t find a plane ticket with her name on it anywhere though. Natasha was running facial scans at airports to see if they could find her that way.

“She’s smart you know,” said Natasha dryly as she started the scanning program.  

“Yeah this is brilliant,” said Sam. Steve didn’t say anything, he didn’t trust himself too. Sam went to go search Alison’s room to see if any clues could be found. Natasha turned and looked at Steve.

“Have you really talked to her since she’s come back?” asked Natasha.

“A bit. It’s been madness since the reports broke about Bucky and Rumlow being alive,” said Steve. Alison had told Maria that Rumlow had been the one coming for Bucky. At first Steve thought maybe Alison had misheard them or they meant another Rumlow. Brock Rumlow had been crushed under a building and a helicarrier. Than again considering Bucky had fallen god knows how many feet down a mountainside and lived anything might be possible.

T wo days after Alison came back to Headquarters a bombing happened at New Scotland Yard and a video was released by Rumlow, calling himself Crossbones claiming responsibility. Before they could even react to that another reporter came out with the story that Bucky was alive and that he was the Winter Soldier. The reporter had spent months putting the D.C. incident together and combing through SHIELD and Hydra files to prove it was Bucky.

Steve had been called in to testify and he never thought he would be grateful to Tony’s team of lawyers for stalling it. No one here had said anything to the press about Bucky. Steve wasn’t sure if it loyalty to him, Tony threatening them with lawsuits and job loss or a silent respect for Alison that kept mouths shut on the topic.

“She’s different,” said Natasha looking at him seriously.

“I know,” said Steve.

“It’s not just the physical change,” said Natasha taking a tone. Steve nodded and sat down.

No one else knew about Alison having the blood transfusion or everything that had happened with Bucky. They knew Alison and Bucky had been held hostage, had gotten away and now Bucky was AWOL. They didn’t know how bad Alison had been and a week of rest had cleared up most of her bruising and all of the pneumonia. Alison had come back and threw herself into her work the same way he had trying to find Rumlow. Steve had seen some of physical change in Alison, the quick healing was one of the changes that was easy to notice. While she was nowhere near as strong as him or Bucky, she had gotten a slight boost in the strength department. He had seen her running with a few days ago and according to Sam she hadn’t gone running since the Invasion.  It was the mental change though that seemed to have people in the know worried.

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_Two weeks ago_

  
  


“So she passed her tests. She’s always passed her tests,” said Sam looking over the final grades Alison had been given. Bruce looked at David and David went on.

“We programmed Friday to set up the online courses to go up in difficult as they finished the lessons since everyone has a different specialty. Since Alison has been back she’s just gone through everything like a bullet. We guessed it would it take her another year to finish a nursing program. At this rate she’s going to be finishing a doctoral program in that time,” said David. Steve looked at the tests in front of him and then back to David and Bruce.

“Why aren’t you telling her this? I think it’s sort of odd this is about Alison and she isn’t here,” said Steve. Steve wondered if he had been the topic of meetings that no one ever told him about.

“We didn’t want to freak her out just yet. I mean...well,” said David and he looked at Bruce to carry on.

“Was it like this for you? Do you have or notice an increase in your intelligence after the serum?” asked Bruce. Steve sighed and wondered if he had agreed to go to a lab for testing would he have a better understanding of what the serum did do. He had been too in awe of the physical changes to really take note of if he gotten smarter. Well he did remember things better after the serum and certain things had come easier too him, but at the level she was on Steve couldn’t be sure.

“Well some things were easier to catch on too,” admitted Steve.

“We have an old IQ test for Alison. Maybe we could have her take a new one to see how much she’s changed,” suggested David.

“She’s not a lab rat,” snapped Steve suddenly and even Sam gave him a look.

“Well she’s going to start putting shit together sooner or later,” said David.

“We don’t intend to treat Alison like a lab rat, but we have to consider how she’s doing. She might already be freaked out and hiding it from us. Plus there is her medical history to think of and how the serum is affecting it. She has...or had anxiety issues, depression and a thought out  suicide plan a few years ago. We already know how your tolerance is for medication. Is she still taking her medication now?” asked Bruce.

“She knows to take her medication,” said Sam flatly. Bruce pinched the bridge of nose.

“Even if she taking it, it might not make a difference considering how her body processes things now. She’s lost a good six pounds since coming back. Trying to hide the fact that she can and should be eating about five thousand calories a day is the reason she fainted last week,” said Bruce.

Alison had been tutoring Wanda and when Alison had went to get a different book she simply fainted. She took a day off to recover, but Steve had noticed how skinny and tired Alison looked. Steve had intended to talk to her, however Natasha had a gotten a lead on Rumlow and off to Mexico they had gone. He had barely changed out of his uniform when this meeting was called.

“Look I’m not suggesting we throw Alison in a glass room and run tests on her, but she’s been trying to manage this herself and clearly needs some help figuring out all the finer details,” said Bruce. He and David got up and left. Sam turned to Steve and he looked worried, but determined.

“We did the right thing. I wasn’t sure at first, but she’s here and she just needs time to work through everything,” said Sam before he left the room. Looking back Steve wasn’t sure if Sam was trying to reassure him or himself.

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Sam noticed the nearly full bottle of anti anxiety medicine in the bathroom and swore to himself. Alison had seemed fine, well as fine as someone could be after going through what she had gone through. She just needed some time to process what had happened to her. Sam had been watching her like a hawk though and they had talked a little about what had happened. At least she was talking and he considered it a good sign. However, if Alison was off her medication she could be considering doing something very stupid. _No. She wouldn’t put you all through that again,_ thought Sam has he booted up her laptop. _She doesn’t think clearly when she’s not on them though. She could think it for the best if people didn’t have to worry about her anymore._

Sam sighed and typed in her password _BuddyRich42_ and started trying to get her deleted web history and e-mails. _Maybe she just needed to get her head together for a bit. She just threw herself back into being here and she won’t really talk about Barnes and_... It smacked Sam in the face hard and he sighed.

“I went looking for him for almost two years and couldn’t find him,” muttered Sam. However Alison might insight that he and Steve didn’t have since she had been his nurse and then his girlfriend. He should have seen this coming after Becca’s passing, Alison would want to tell him and make sure he wasn’t alone.

Sam started going through her deleted history and found sites on making new id, getting fake passports and flights to Spain. She liked Spain and had talked about going back, maybe this wasn’t about Barnes at all. Maybe she just wanted to be alone for a bit. Than he came across list of boats going from South America in the last few months and their ports. Sam shook his head and wasn’t sure if he wanted to praise her for trying to find Barnes or shake her senseless for not telling him what she was trying to do. _She loves him and if it was you out there she would do the same thing,_ thought Sam.

“Anna Bates got on a flight to Spain from California the other day. She’s good and clearly she a really fast learner now,” said Natasha standing in the doorway.

“I still wanna kick her ass,” said Sam.

“Love makes us insanely stupid,” said Natasha. “Steve already took a QuinJet to track her down,” said Natasha.

“He could have waited another ten minutes and I would have come with him,” said Sam.

“They need to talk about some things,” said Natasha. Sam nodded and shut the computer off. Other than him and David, Alison really hadn’t talked to anyone about what she was going through.  She hadn’t brought up her recent burst of smarts and he didn’t know how to bring it up either. He had asked her one night when they went running together how she felt now. She hadn’t gone running since her car accident and she used to run 10K. Sam asked her if her knee hurt anymore and she told him no. _It’s like I’m humming. Like electricity in a wire, like I just know I can go for hours and not feel it._ _I don’t know how else to describe it._

“Yeah they have a lot to talk about,” said Sam. He looked at her nightstand and next to a picture of her and Matt was a picture someone had taken of her and Bucky at Steve’s birthday party. They were standing side by side, Alison giving him a slight smile and Bucky trying to remember how to smile when getting his picture taken. It was in his eyes though, he looked at ease with Alison. _It’s stupid really. I have the dog, but I just miss having another person in the room,_ said Alison one night when she couldn’t sleep. Sam had told her it wasn’t stupid and that it would get easier for her. Alison looked up blankly at the ceiling. _I know and that’s what makes it so hard,_ she said before rolling over to try and sleep. Sam didn’t know what to say and he hoped that maybe Steve did.

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_Christmas Day_

_Avenger Tower_

  
  


The Barton kids ripped into their presents while the adults present sipped coffee and hot chocolate. Alison rubbed Bailey’s head and the dog gave her a goofy grin and went back to the over sized rawhide bone, a gift from Pepper and Tony according to the card that had been attached. Tony said Pepper had gone to Ohio to see her parents when Alison had asked him where she was last night.

“I love Pepper, but the thought of being in Ohio with her parents terrifies me,” said Tony quickly. His tone had seemed off to Alison, but she didn’t feel it was her place to press right now. She pulled her new robe around her and went back to watching the kids.

“Oh wow! Thanks Aunt Nat!” said Cooper as he pulled out the newest game in some series Alison couldn’t name for the life of her. David sat next to her and yawned.

“Are you kicking yourself for not tagging along with Sam or your other friends for the holidays?” he asked tipping back his over sized mug. Sam and Sarah had gone to Chicago to see Sam’s mom and Renee and Sophia had gone to Boston to see Sophia’s brother and his family. Franklin was working away in London with Jane and the others.

“Sam will be back before New Year’s Eve in the weather cooperates. Too damn cold for my liking,” said Alison. Lila had unwrapped a chemistry set from Bruce earning him a side eye from Clint.   “You gonna come over and clean up the mess?” asked Clint with a huge fake smile.

“We need more STEM girls in the world,” said Bruce and then quickly went to get more coffee. The kids made quick work of their gifts and Tony started handing out gifts to the adults who were here.

“I’m very disappointed that Steve isn’t joining us,” said Tony pointing at a small pile of gifts.

“He went to see Becca and her family for the holidays. She insisted,” said Alison sitting aside her mug to open a box from David.

Actually Becca had wanted Alison to come too, but she had refused politely. She had gone out there for Thanksgiving after the older woman badgered her and while she loved Becca’s family it hit something deep in Alison’s heart. _If you had done your job right he could be here having dinner with his family._ The wonderful meal Becca’s daughter had made suddenly tasted like ash in Alison’s mouth. Steve hadn’t been there since Rumlow had decided to bomb another police station, this one was in China and he, Natasha and Wanda were on the scene looking for clues. Alison watched football with Becca’s grandchildren while a set of thoughts played on a loop in her head. _You screwed up. You didn’t do your job right and now he’s out there scared and alone. It’s all your fault. You were selfish and put your feelings ahead of his well being and now he’s gone and it’s all your fault._

She had tried dulling the thoughts with her medication and found it didn’t do a damn thing for her. After Thanksgiving Alison simply stopped taking her meds. What was the point? It didn’t dull the guilt ridden thoughts in head. However she was functioning better than she thought she could. After Matt’s death she could barely function and focusing had been impossible. Yes there were others factors in play, put the guilt pulled her down until all she felt was the guilt. _You need to make it right. You need to find him and make it right._ _Steve saved your life and now you need to make it right._ It was why she had turned down all offers of going with anyone this Christmas. She would leave this evening and fly to Spain with the fake id’s and passports she had managed to create. _It was so easy, so effortless. Was everything this easy before? No._ The guilt was there, but this new ability to put it to the side and focus was new for her. She opened her gift from David and it was a mix of yarn and a new set of needles. He had taught her to knit when she had been laid up. She caught on quickly and was now working on a throw for Sam. _Didn’t someone try to teach you before and you just couldn’t do it? Everything is so easy now and it’s weird,_ thought Alison and she hugged the big man.

“Thanks,” said Alison and he grinned.

“It’s just nice to have a another knitter. I learned from my grandpa. He would kick my ass if I told anyone that Dum Dum Dugan liked to drink and knit,” said David. More gifts were opened. Sheet music from Wanda, a new medical textbook from Vision. .Alison grinned since she had spent almost two weeks explaining holiday traditions to him and showing him how Ebay and Amazon worked. She was about to open a gift from Natasha when Alison’s cell phone went off and Tony gave her a look.

“I didn’t know we had to silence our phones. It’s probably Sam,” said Alison pulling the phone out of her robe pocket. She was surprised to see it was a California number. She took the call and slipped out the room.

“Hello,” said Alison and there was a huge sigh on the other end and than a sniffle.

“Alison. This is Laura....” She went on, but Alison could already feel the forbearing hit her. Rebecca Barnes Chase was gone and if Alison had done her job right Becca would of had her brother by her side.

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They were supposed to land tomorrow or the day after and most of the crew was passed out from the several bottles of wine and any other liquor they could drink. After all it was Christmas Day. Most of the crew had used the satellite radio to call home. Bucky could sometimes hear the excited chatter coming from the kitchen about getting off the boat and seeing their families for the first time in two months. Bucky scrubbed the kitchen and helped make Christmas dinner for the crew. He ate his without really tasting it and left the galley when the drinking started.

Bucky laid in his bunk and wrote in his journal. _We would go to Midnight Mass and in the morning mom would cook us bacon and hot cakes. We could have cookies and sandwiches for lunch. We went sledding one year and Steve got a cold that went into the New Year._ Bucky closed his journal and pulled out Alison’s sweater. He scrubbed it again and got more of the blood out, sadly some of her scent went with it. Bucky curled up next to it and closed his eyes. Her voice was still very clear in his head and he could remember what she had told him her Christmases had been like growing up.

 _I used to go to Midnight Mass until I was eight and grandpa said he was too damn old for that and than we started going to a morning service after presents. Sarah made us cookies and so did a teacher my grandpa worked with. I think her name was Ms. Norram and I think she was sweet on the old man too._ She had laughed at the memory and Bucky could recall how if felt when she brushed his hair away from his face as they laid in bed one night. _We had just finished making love and we couldn’t sleep. She just started talking about us spending Christmas together. She asked if I wanted to go to Mass and we just started talking about what the holidays had been like for each of us growing up. Gifts we had gotten, things we did. She went ice skating with Sam and her friends. Did she go ice skating with Wanda? Did she talk Steve into going? Is she alright? Is Steve alright?_

Bucky put the sweater and journal back in his bag and looked up the ceiling. He thought about getting on another boat once this on landed and decided against it. It was just a little too cramped for his liking. He could get a room and see about a job in the town for a bit until he figured out his next move. _Don’t you want somewhere to call home again?_ He sighed and rolled over trying to ignore _her_ voice in his head. Sometimes hearing her voice wasn’t too bad and at times he liked hearing it. When he was cleaning or cooking in the kitchen he could hear her singing or talking about mundane parts of her life. _I nearly set my first apartment on fire trying to fry chicken._ At night though when the ship was settling and everything was still it was her voice that made his head and chest hurt. _I miss you. Don’t you miss me? Don’t you miss Steve and Becca? Come home James. Come home and you can be in our room and it will be fine again. Please come home._

 _She made you weak. She made you weak and broke you in a completely different fashion,_ hissed another voice in his head.

“Why don’t you all shut the hell up?” muttered Bucky and he settled in to try and sleep. He did sleep and the dreams were almost too much to handle. He was in dress uniform and Becca was there looking the way she did when he shipped out was sitting next to him on a park bench wearing her favorite blue dress and her long hair hung in curls.

“You’re an idiot,” said Becca calmly and she looked out at the park and sighed. “You shouldn’t waste a second chance. Not everyone gets them,” said Becca sadly.

“I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for her,” said Bucky harshly. Becca shook her head and she looked ready to cry.

“I never told Steve that loved him and I had a second chance too and I didn’t take it. I know he didn’t love me the same way. I was just the annoying little sister after all. I should have said once though. Just once to get off my chest,” said Becca looking at him sadly. Bucky looked at her puzzled and she stood.

“Don’t be stupid. Don’t waste your anymore of your second chance. I’m missed mine and now we’re going to miss ours. Goodbye Jimmy,” said Becca and she kissed him on the cheek before walking away.

Bucky woke up with a start in the dimly lit room and quickly wiped away his tears. He did miss his sister, but considering Alison and Steve had narrowly avoided dying by his hand when he wasn’t in control he did what had to be the best for Becca. _If they had found you and taken you instead you would be dead now,_ thought Bucky. He rolled over and waited for Becca’s voice to come drifting in his head. Instead he found the quiet that he loathed and longed for.

  
  
  


_December 28th 2016_

  
  


“Thank you for coming,” said Laura and she hugged Steve before turning to Alison. “It’s good to see you again. Mom talked so much about you before we met it almost felt like you were family already. She really liked having you has a friend,” said Laura and Alison turned a bit pink.

“I really enjoyed being her friend. She was an amazing person,” said Alison. Laura nodded and looked to the front of the room where Becca’s casket was. Laura was in her 50’s, but Steve could easily see the younger versions of her mother and grandmother in her. Laura had the blue eyes that seemed to be a dominant trait in the Barnes bloodline. Her brown hair was streaked with gray though and she looked so tired and run down to Steve it hurt him.

“Thomas isn’t sure if we should take her back to New York. Dad is here and well we’re not sure if we’ll get any privacy if we take her back to New York. They kept calling for over two weeks when the story broke about Uncle James. It was insane,” admitted Laura and Alison nodded.

“She gave one reporter a solid three minutes of swearing before hanging up the phone. I’m sure I learned a few new ones from her,’ said Alison and she got Laura to smile and Steve could see it was a real smile.

“You should have heard her when we were growing up and the ballgame was on. Between her mouth and her pin up past she wasn’t always welcomed in most circles, but she made sure everyone was welcomed in hers,” said Laura. She excused herself to greet some other visitors and Alison sighed before looking up at him.

“Do you want to see her?” asked Alison and Steve nodded even though he really didn’t want to. He honestly hated how funeral homes did make up on people. Since coming back he had gone to a few funerals and every time he saw how made up someone was in made him sick and he couldn’t figure out why really. Maybe it was just how overdone some people looked or because he could still see them in their youth and the makeup seem a fake way to make them look young again. They went up together and were greeted by Becca’s son, Thomas.

“I’m glad you came,” said Thomas shaking Steve’s hand before turning to greet Alison.

“I wish we were seeing each other again under better circumstances. You were very kind to my mother the last few months and I can never thank you enough for that,” said Thomas.

“You’re mother was a very sweet woman. It was an honor to know her,” said Alison. Thomas gave a slight nod to the casket and there was Becca. Alison let out a small sigh.

“She had me do her nails before she left. I’m glad it held up,” said Alison. Steve looked at Becca’s hands and the nail polish was a pale shade of pink. _She always came home and would clean the dough out from under her nails. Bucky would ask why she insisted on long nails considering her work. Becca would scoff and say ‘A lady’s hands declare her habits.’ and Bucky would tell her she was no lady._

The memory of their little apartment in Brooklyn hit Steve hard now. How it sounded when Becca would mock Bucky or would tease him him when he was drawing her. How it smelled when she cooked them dinner or did the wash in sink slammed hard into Steve’s mind. He could see his mother and Bucky’s mom bring Becca home and Bucky making faces when she threw up on him. Becca would always take his arm when he walked her home and she always had something smart to say when boys catcalled her. How she would hold still for hours when he needed a model for a project. _It’s not fair.  She was the baby. She wasn’t supposed to go before me or Bucky,_ thought Steve bitterly.

“Could you both stay a bit after the wake tomorrow? Mom had some things she wanted you both to have,” said Thomas.

“It’s not a problem,” said Steve and Alison nodded. They chatted for a bit more with Laura and Thomas before heading out. Steve got behind the wheel of the rented car and Alison looked out the window as they drove back to the hotel. Alison was quiet and Steve knew he should talk to her, but was at lost.

“Are you alright?” asked Alison when they parked at the hotel.

“I’m working on it,” said Steve. Alison nodded.

“I might take an early flight home after the service. Sam’s supposed to be back and I can only leave Wanda with the dog for so long,” said Alison giving him a hint of the smile.

“She spoils the dog huh?” asked Steve trying to figure out how to bring up what they really needed to talk about. _How are you really doing?_ _At times I still feel like my body’s taking me for ride. Is it the same for you in your head?_ thought Steve.

“And then some, she’s a good kid,” said Alison. Steve nodded and when he couldn’t figure out what to say he got out the car and Alison followed him into the hotel. Alison spent the night awake planning out the finer points of her exit plan while Steve ran a marathon on a treadmill.  

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A couple thousand miles away as Steve finished mile twenty and Alison made sure her flight was going to leave late tomorrow afternoon. Bucky was renting a small room in La Coruna and still trying decide his next move. It was mid afternoon and it was his first real day in the city. He had helped the crew unload and get a new load on the boat. He made sure the door was double locked then he shoved a chair under the knob before emptying out the backpack to take stock again.

He had the funds to go anywhere on the cheap if he needed it. His mother would be shocked to see him stealing. _Well they stole everything from me first,_ thought Bucky has he took out some Euros before shoving the box back in the backpack. The weapons were simple, a Glock, a few clips and a couple of bombs. _You shouldn’t keep those,_ spoke up the Alison voice and he put them back in the bag. _I might need them, just in case,_ thought Bucky. He didn’t fit into the clothes so he left them out. He could pick up something along the way. The gloves fit though and so did the jacket so he kept those.

He had filled up two notebooks and a third was halfway filled. He had tried to keep them in order of his life, but thoughts just popped up and had to be written down. He was terrified to forget any detail of his life again. Bucky decided to pick up some more journals and copy what he had written in the other two. He would keep them in the backpack so if he had to run again he would have them to go too. The others he would keep out so he could reread them as much as he he wanted.

Bucky sat down and opened a journal and started writing about Becca. Becca had always like winter in city. She loved the holidays and always had small crafts around the apartment . She made paper chains and snowflakes from any paper she could find and hung them around the apartment. They couldn’t always get a tree, but Becca made tree shaped cookies-gingerbread and sugar cookies that were better than a plant in his mind. Bucky wrote and tried to forget the dream he had on Christmas Day. _I should have told Steve I was in love with him._ Had she been in love with Steve and he never noticed? Bucky sat the journal aside and thought. Becca had always been around, hanging on Steve and being a pest. Had he not seen what was in front of him? Well she was sister and Steve was his best friend, the thought had never crossed his mind that Becca had felt that way for Steve. _It would have taken getting used too, but I know Steve would have done right by her,_ thought Bucky. He went to start writing again when he started really thinking about the dream. _Don’t be stupid. Don’t waste your anymore of your second chance. I’m missed mine and now we’re going to miss ours. Goodbye Jimmy._

Bucky felt his chest tighten as he kept thinking. Becca was physically an old lady and her health had been slowly going down since he saw her last. _She’s gone. She was saying goodbye because she’s dead. She’s gone and now you’ll never see her again._ Bucky pushed his journal away and wanted to scream. He was being stupid for trying to make sense of a dream. Becca was fine and with her family enjoying the holiday. Maybe she got Steve and Alison to go see her in California. Bucky hoped Steve went at any rate. Alison had Sam’s family to go to, who did Steve have other than Becca and her family. _He had you and you left again,_ spoke up that hateful voice that almost sounded like himself.

 _You can always come back,_ said the Alison voice. Bucky looked up and saw Alison sitting across from him. She was wearing the brown sweater he had balled up in his backpack and blue jeans and her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail.

“We’re waiting for you to come home,” said Alison and Bucky closed his eyes.

“You aren’t here. You aren’t real,” he muttered.

“Don’t you want to come home?” asked Alison sadly.

“I don’t have a home. You aren’t here and you aren’t real so stop it,” said Bucky digging his nails into his palm. He opened his eyes and she was gone. Bucky staggered to the sink and got a glass of water. He chugged it quickly before going over to the bed and falling into it. He dreamed that Alison hadn’t snapped him out of it and he watched helpless as people hurt her over and over again. Her green eyes locked on him as she pleaded for him to help her.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Alison looked down at the ring and her eyes blurred from trying not to cry. She didn’t understand why Becca had left her this ring.

“I don’t know if I can accept this. It’s been in your family for ages. I’m sure one the grand kids would want it,” said Alison. Thomas shook his head and closed Alison’s hand around the ring. The service and the wake had wrapped up and Steve and Alison had gone back to Laura’s home so that Thomas and Laura could pass on what Becca had sat aside for them.

“It wasn’t my daughter’s or daughter in law’s style and all of Laura’s girls passed it up ages ago. My mother told me to insist that you take this ring,” said Thomas with a sad smile. Alison studied the ring and found it might be a bit small on her fingers right now. She slipped it on the chain with the dog tags.

“Until I can re-size it. She had very delicate hands,” said Alison toying with the ring on the chain. Thomas gave a small smile.

“She said they were good for making delicate things. She also wanted you to read this,” said Thomas handing her an envelope with Becca’s handwriting on it.

“Thank you,” said Alison. Thomas gave her a quick hug and left the room so Alison could read in private.

_Alison_

_If you are reading this than I have gone on. I had a good life and I while I have a few regrets, most of the ride was incredible and I’m very certain I wouldn’t change much of it. I do wish we could have met sooner though. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and can say you have become one of my closest friends and I treasure the time we were able to spend together._

_The ring I’m leaving you was the wedding gift from our father to our mother. I know how Jimmy feels about our father, but since I never met the man I can’t judge him fairly. I know the ring meant the world to our mother though and she made me promise that if Jimmy ever found a girl he wanted to marry that I was to give her the ring. I’m hoping beyond hope that he is home by the time you get this and that you’ve given him the proper kick in the ass he deserves for scaring you, me and Steve so badly. If he isn’t I still want you to kick him in the ass properly for me when he does come home. I know he’s gone through a lot, but so have you and you two need each other to get by. Speaking from personal experience nothing seems that terrible when someone you love is by your side._

_I know he loves you and after you’re done kicking him in the ass let him know that you still love him. Take care of him and Steve for me. I know it’s a tall order, but I can’t think of anyone else I can trust to handle those two stubborn idiots._

_Take care of yourself too darling and know that in your heart you are a Barnes and that I love you the way I would have loved a sister._

_Rebecca._

  
  


Alison was torn between laughter and tears when she finished reading Becca’s letter. She studied the ring and felt a tingle of what could be the start of a panic attack. _If Jimmy ever found a girl he wanted to marry._ Had he told Becca that he wanted to marry her or did Becca just assume it was something he wanted and that the closest he was going to get to marriage was with her? Alison waited for the haze to roll in and not be able to make sense of her own thoughts and it didn’t come. _I have to find him, I have to tell him that his sister is gone._ Alison folded the letter and put it in her purse. She was going to honor Becca’s wishes of making sure her brother and Steve were taken care of. She just had to find Bucky first.

Steve was a bit puffy eyed when he dropped her off at the airport and Alison felt a tinge of guilt has he hugged her and told he would see her back at home. _If you get Bucky back he might not be so mad,_ thought Alison. She turned off her phone and showed the agent her fake ID as Anna Bates.

“Oh like Anna from Downton Abbey?” asked the slightly older woman grinning.

“Yep,” said Alison with her own fake smile. Alison got on the plane and felt oddly calm.

The plane took off and Alison toyed with the ring and her tags. _You can make this right. You love Bucky and you owe Steve for saving your life and you need to make this right,_ thought Alison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Bucky wandered the streets aimless has people around him chatted around him. Plans for New Year’s Eve parties and gatherings mostly. Last minute gift swapping between friends and talk about what they had gotten for Christmas. He was picking up some more journals when he heard two women in another aisle chattering away happily.

“I think I want the wedding in spring. I’m hoping that we can get Father Garza to marry us. He married my parents and all my sisters so maybe he’ll do one more,” said the woman and her friend laughed.

“I almost pity your papa. Four girls to marry off. I think he might faint from relief once you’re married off,” said the other woman.

“Maybe those tears were joy from getting sons at last,” said the first woman and they both started giggling. Bucky picked up three hard bound journals and more pens. They kept talking about dresses and flowers and his head started to hurt. He paid quickly and almost ran out of the shop for fresh air.

“I would have said yes.” Bucky looked and there was Alison in the brown sweater with her hair in the ponytail. “You never asked though.” Bucky turned and started walking quickly back towards the room he was renting.

“She’s not here and she’s not real. She’s not here and she’s not real,” Bucky muttered to himself. _You wish she was though,_ he thought. _I miss her._ Bucky shook the thoughts away. She was safer without him in her life. Bucky turned down the street and forced himself to walk normally back to the room. He didn’t want any attention paid to him. Bucky made up his mind though to leave here tomorrow morning. Get on a bus and see where he ended up. _How many miles can I put between us before she’s out of my head?_ thought Bucky. He wondered why he kept seeing Alison and hearing her voice in his head. Steve hadn’t come into his mind to screw with him like this. _Well you weren’t in love with Steve and you could barely remember your own god damned life before she came in it. She should have just left me alone. If she had maybe I would have died and saved a lot of trouble for everyone. I don’t want to love her anymore. It hurts too much._ Bucky let himself back into the room and put the chain on and a chair under the knob.

“It’s a good thing I got here first,” said Alison and Bucky wanted to scream until he realized the voice sounded tired and flat. Not the happy, but calm tone he was used to hearing in his head. Bucky turned around and there, sitting at the kitchen table was Alison. She stood up and Bucky could see dark circles under her eyes, how old and tired she looked for being only thirty. She stood up and gave him a very tired and relieved smile.

“Hello James,” said Alison. Bucky let the bag fall from his fingers before walking towards her. Her hair was long and past her shoulders, She was wearing jeans and a over sized black sweater that made her appear thinner than ever. _She’s not here and she’s not real,_ thought Bucky until he touched her arm and felt the soft fabric through his gloved hand. His other hand found her other arm and his grip tightened on both of her arms. It was almost overwhelming all his senses to have her be here and to be real. The softness of her sweater, her scent and how she looked at him with that patience look she had mastered.

“I am so happy I found you,” said Alison softly. Bucky’s grip tightened on her arms and without letting go of her arms he pushed her against the wall and she winced a bit has her head made contact with the wall.

“How the hell did you find me!” demanded Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  
  


Finding him had been easier than she had planned on. Alison told the ship captains she was looking for her brother. Their grandmother had passed and she needed to tell him. Money also loosened a few tongues when she had been stonewalled. The fourth ship she had stopped at had been her lucky break and a man who had lost his own grandmother while he was at sea spilled that Bucky had been on the ship and that he was most likely renting a room where all the unattached sailors crashed before boarding again. Alison thanked him and gave him a hundred euros that left the man floored.

Following his directions Alison made her way to the building and once again money loosen a wheel and the landlord said he had rented to an American matching Bucky’s appearance. He let her in the apartment and left. Bucky had been here and she just needed to wait.

The room wasn’t too dirty or messy, but the bed had clearly been slept in and at least he was eating from the wrappers in the trash can. Alison picked up a journal and flipped it open to see very neat print on every line and front and back of each page.

 _I was told not to leave any witnesses. I had to burn the house down and they had children. I hope that they slept through the fire and that the smoke killed them. I hope it didn’t hurt them._ Alison shut the journal and sat down. Before she let her judgment slip they had started talking a bit about his time in Hydra and missions he had been on. He had talked about killing Tony’s parents but he wasn’t sure why he had been ordered to kill them. He remembered Kennedy and other people over the years. Clearly more details were coming back to him now and Alison felt her eyes water before brushing away tears annoyed with herself.

She stayed in the chair and about thirty minute later Bucky came into the apartment, threw the chain on the door and shoved a chair under the knob.

“It’s a good thing I got here first,” said Alison. Bucky turned around and looked bewildered at her. She stood up and tried to force her voice to sound normal.

“Hello James,” said Alison. He looked so conflicted that Alison wasn’t sure what he was thinking or feeling. He dropped a bag he was carrying and closed the distance between them in seconds. He was wearing gloves and she could feel the pressure in his hands has his grip tightened on her arms. He had gripped her arms this way when he confessed that he loved her in the apartment. He asked her if she was tired of thinking. Didn’t she just want to not think for a bit. _I’m so tired of thinking. I just want to be for a bit,_ thought Alison.

“I am so happy I found you,” said Alison softly. The words were out of her mouth  without thought. She had missed him, missed him terribly. _I miss waking up with you, talking you, listening to music with you. I just missed you,_ thought Alison _._ Bucky’s grip tightened on her arms and he without letting go of her he pushed her against the wall.

“How the hell did you find me!” demanded Bucky. His dark blue eyes look frantic and enraged at her and Alison swallowed hard before answering.

“Guessed really. I figured you couldn’t get a plane out of South America and that you weren’t coming back to the States and...” Bucky shook her bit and his grip was almost painful now.

“Did anyone follow you? Does anyone know you’re here?” Bucky hissed and Alison shook her head no. He let go of her arms and started pacing around the room. Alison stayed where she was watching him carefully. She was scared for a lot of reasons. He seemed somewhat in control, but he had never been physically violent with her when he was in control. He seemed scared and annoyed based on his pacing. She hadn’t seen him act this way in almost six months. He was muttering and casting very dark looks at her.

“God damn what the hell is wrong with you? I left for a reason and you have no right to come after me. I left you! Does that not mean a damn thing to you?” snapped Bucky. Alison swallowed hard again. It did mean something to her that he had left. It hurt her and confused her that he had left, but she had found him. _I have to tell him and we’ll go from there,_ thought Alison

“Becca passed away,” said Alison and it stopped his pacing. He turned back to her and looked disbelieving.

“Don’t lie to me,” Bucky said softly and that sent a chill through her. _The calm before the storm,_ thought Alison. “Don’t try to trick me into coming back by using her,” said Bucky. Alison pulled out her necklace and showed him the ring Becca had given her.

“She told me it was your mother’s ring,” said Alison. Bucky came back over and he grabbed the chain hard and pulled at it to study the ring closer.

“No,” Bucky whispered has he looked at the ring. His whole face softened and then broke as he started to cry. “No. It’s not fair. I’m supposed to be dead,” said Bucky and he sat down and cried harder. He was impossible to understand what he was saying with his head down on the table and he was shaking from how hard he was crying. Alison approached him carefully and put her hand on his head.

“It’s going to be alright. Just breath and let it out,” said Alison.

“This is all your fault,” spat Bucky looking up at her and Alison flinched at his tone. “I didn’t remember her. Not really until you came along. You could have saved everyone a lot of trouble if you had just left me alone that morning,” said Bucky coldly. Alison nodded and gathered her thoughts.

“Part of this is my fault and you will never understand how deeply sorry I am,” said Alison. She closed her eyes to collect herself more and missed the stunned look on Bucky’s face. He wanted to blame her because it was the easy way out. _You left. Not her,_ said a voice. Alison looked at him again and went on.  

“If I had been better at my job. If I treated you properly and if I had walked away when I started feeling how I felt than you wouldn’t be here right now. You would be safe and with your family. I messed up and I can’t take that back. What I can do now is see that you get home. I have a list of people Steve can speak to about treating you. They’re really good doctors who have handled really extreme cases in the past. They’ll help you get better,” said Alison. Bucky looked at her puzzled before standing up and going over her.

“What about you?” asked Bucky and Alison shrugged.

“This isn’t about me. Not entirely. I want to make this right and I want to help you. I was supposed to help you and I messed that up,” said Alison. Bucky looked at her even more puzzled before he closed his eyes and stepped away from her.

“I don’t love you anymore. Taking me back and having someone else fix me isn’t going to make me love you again,” said Bucky.

“I didn’t lie to you so don’t lie to me,” said Alison calmly and he looked at her. “I screwed up, I was completely unprofessional with you, and I didn’t help you the way I should have. You fell in love with me though and I fell in love with you. You left for some stupid and noble reason. Trying to keep me safe or something stupid along those lines. I still love you though and we can’t change that,” said Alison.

Bucky wouldn’t look at her, so Alison approached him and put his hands on her waist. She touched his face and he looked so worried. She might have completely screwed up being his nurse, but she loved him and she didn’t think she could screw up loving him.

“You don’t have worry. You can’t hurt me,” said Alison and she stood up on her toes to kiss him. He hesitated for a second before he pulled her close and kissed her hard.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bucky wanted to push her away, but the second his hands were on her all self control was out the window. He frowned a bit when he realized how skinny she really was, some of the curves he had enjoyed were gone, She still smelled the same to him though and when she kissed him he found she tasted the same. _Don’t. Don’t do this. Don’t lead her on this way,_ said a small voice. Bucky didn’t listen to it as Alison pushed him on to the bed and straddled him. Something about the hard and needing look in her eye told him to go with this. That he was going to lose this round to her at least.

“Take off those god damn gloves,” demanded Alison while she pulled off her sweater and went to undo his pants. Bucky peeled his gloves off and Alison greedily grabbed his hands and put them on her breasts. Her moan made him hard in a second and she moved her body against his.

“James,” muttered Alison as she kissed him and pulled his pants down. “I missed you.”

He had missed her too and some part of him knew they shouldn’t be doing this. _I just need to say goodbye. Just once before I leave her for good,_ thought Bucky. She quickly undressed and got back into bed with him. She didn’t wait and she didn’t ask before she took him inside her. Bucky went to roll Alison onto her back when she grabbed his hands and pinned him down. _What the hell?_ thought Bucky. She had never be able to hold him back before. _Something in her is different_ and now he was begging as she rode him.

“I want to touch you. Please?” asked Bucky. Alison took his hands and put them on her hips as she kept riding him.

“Just let me,” said Alison. She bit lightly at his shoulder and he shiver when she kissed the bite mark. Bucky moaned as Alison worked her body against him. She leaned back and rode him slowly. Bucky couldn’t remember if he had ever been taken this way by a woman before. He had been with her often, but something about this was so different than how it had been between them before. Something about her was different and Bucky wasn’t sure if it was all his fault.  Bucky sat up quickly and flipped Alison so she was on her back. She looked up at him and wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Do whatever you want. It won’t hurt me,” said Alison. Bucky paused for a second. She told him that before she kissed him. That he couldn’t hurt her and the thought was laughable. She was like a piece of glass and he had easily bruised her before even he had been trying to be careful. Alison took his left hand and pressed it hard into her hip. He dug his metal fingers  into her and she let out a small moan of pleasure before urging him to keep going. Bucky straightened up, pulled her legs over his shoulders and pinned her arms down.

“Is this what you want?” asked Bucky hoarsely and she begged him again to do what he wanted. Bucky did just that. He wasn’t sure if he had always liked it rough, but right now he want to be rough with her. He dug his fingers into hips and slammed into her hard. He did it harder each time and she simply moaned with pleasure and begged for more.

“I can take it,” pleaded Alison moving to meet his thrusts. Her climax hit him hard and she raked her nails down his arms and she came again quickly with his next thrust.

“Jesus Ally,” muttered Bucky and she gripped his hips and kept moving through her climax. Bucky broke down when she climaxed a third time and came into her damn near exhaustion. They were both covered in sweat and the confusion of what to do now started sinking in for both of them. Alison went to take Bucky’s hand and he moved it away from her.

“You still don’t want to come home do you?” asked Alison softly. The realization that no matter what happened he wouldn’t come home with her hurt. She had a feeling that going with him wasn’t on the table either.

“I can’t,” said Bucky. He did want to come home with her and yet if he did it would only make things worse. _If they come looking for me again what happens to you or anyone else who gets in the way?_ thought Bucky.

“Is it for that stupid and noble reason of trying to keep me safe?” asked Alison and Bucky heard an edge in her tone. It was hurt and somewhat bitter.   _What do I have to say to get you to understand,_ thought Bucky.

“I could have killed you. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I killed you. I do love you. It’s too much though. I feel too much with you. I thought I could handle it and I can’t,” said Bucky.

“What if I left? You went back to Steve and a real doctor. I’ll go back to the city or somewhere else in the state. I’m sure I can get a good reference from Pepper or David for any hospital or clinic. You would be safe too,” said Alison.

“I just need to be on my own for bit. I can’t explain it, but I just need to be alone,” said Bucky. Alison sighed and shook her head.

“I guess it would be stupid of me to ask for how long,” said Alison. She looked at him and it was an effort of will for Bucky to keep a straight face while looking at her. “I just don’t want anything else to happen to you. If you come back, Steve could keep you safe and you don’t have to worry about me anymore. It’s a really long story, but I’ll be fine,” said Alison.

“You’re different. What happened after I left?” asked Bucky. Alison got out of the bed and started getting dressed. Bucky grabbed her arm and made her look at him.

“Tell me what happened after I left,” said Bucky.

“Get dressed and I’ll tell you,” said Alison and she looked nervous. Bucky got dressed and they sat down at the table. Bucky listened as Alison told him how sick she had been when they got her back to New York. How they were very sure the fever was going to cause brain damage, if not her death. _You should have got her help sooner,_ thought Bucky.

“It was sort of a group idea really and even then they were divided on it. Tony and David were for it, Bruce and Cho weren’t sure it was the best idea. None of them were even sure it would work really. The decision was up to Sam and Steve in the end. Steve donated about a pint of his blood and well it’s working. Not the exact same way it did with you and Steve, but some of it carried over,” said Alison. Bucky had to fight the urge to punch something and he wasn’t sure why he felt so mad. _Because now she’s changed so much from the person you met. Is she still the person you fell in love with?_ thought Bucky.

Yes she was the person he loved, but she was different now too. The woman he had fallen in love with would put herself on the line for him. Tracking him down this way and wanting him to be safe was who she was. He had changed her too much though in other ways and how much more could he change her before she wasn’t herself anymore? How long before she hated him for becoming something she didn’t know?

“So now you don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself,” said Alison.

“You managed to take care of yourself when I wasn’t in control,” said Bucky and Alison paled a bit. There it was, didn’t she hate him for making her kill those people to save him? Granted they would have killed her first and done god knows what else to her if she hadn’t defended herself. She wouldn’t of had too if he had been in control. _I’ve killed before, what’s another couple of bodies in my book. She shouldn’t have a book._

“I did what had to be done. I didn’t know how else to get us out,” said Alison.

“I put you in that position. You aren’t a killer and I made you one. It’s not just the serum that’s changed you. I know you say that you love me, but someday...someday you’re going to look at me and wonder if I’m worth everything you’ve become. I think you need time away from me too. To really think,” said Bucky.

“You really don’t want to come home,” said Alison calmly. Bucky saw how deeply hurt she was and that maybe he had finally said the thing to make her leave.

“I can’t go home with you,” said Bucky. Her hands were shaking a bit as she took the necklace off and took Becca’s ring off the chain and put it in his hand.

“She would want you to have this. I won’t tell anyone that I found you, but you should leave after I go. I’m sure they’re looking for me and despite my best efforts I’m sure they found something,” said Alison. She picked up her backpack and fished out a disposal cell phone. Alison entered in something before she put it on the table.

“I added my phone number and Steve’s is already in there. I figure we would need it to call home. When and if you want to come home, we’ll be there. No tracking chips are in the phone. When I leave I won’t know where you’re going. Take care of yourself James,” said Alison.

She shouldered her backpack and calmly walked out of the apartment. Bucky felt the ring dig into his palm and the pain was mildly annoying. Alison hadn’t asked for her father’s tag back though. Maybe she still held out some vain hope that he come home someday and it could be normal between them. _No. I want her to move on with someone who is better for her. I won’t. I won’t find anyone like her again,_ thought Bucky. Bucky got up and quickly packed his bag. Alison had found him, maybe he could find her and give her the tag back.

Bucky left the apartment and started heading for the main tourist part of town trying to find her. _She has to stay somewhere._ Bucky went to get around a group of people huddled around when he heard Alison singing.

_I say high, you say low_

_You say why and I say I don’t know, oh no_

_You say goodbye and I say hello_

_Hello, Hello_

_I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello_

_Hello hello_

_I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello_

_Why, why, why, why, why do you say goodbye, goodbye, oh no._

Bucky eased through the crowd and saw Alison was sitting on the ground next to an old man and was playing a guitar. She normally looked so cheerful and happy when she played and now she just looked tired and hurt.

_I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello._

_I think you’ve hurt her enough. Let her go. Just walk away and leave her alone,_ thought Bucky and he carefully eased his way out of the crowd. Bucky didn’t see as Steve approached Alison and they headed off so they could talk.

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


Alison walked back the way she came without really thinking or seeing where she was going. She knew. Deep down she knew he wouldn’t come with her and she simply didn’t want to face it. She needed Bucky to spell it out for her. How stupid was she really?  This didn’t hurt the way Matt’s death had hurt. Matt’s death was a bright and hot sort of pain. This was a dull ache that would fade, but never really leave her.

 _Everything you’ve become. I don’t really know what I am now,_ thought Alison. She most certainly wasn’t the woman she had been eight months ago. The woman from eight months ago wouldn’t have thought herself capable of taking another person’s life no matter what. The woman from eight months ago didn’t think she would fall this hard and fast in love again only to have it break her heart this way.

Bucky had said he loved her, but did he really love the person she was now? _I killed those people and I didn’t feel it at the time. I wish there had been a different way, but I still can’t see one. You killed for me and I can look past it. Can’t you look past what I did?_ Alison didn’t need to think. All she had done since he had left was think. _Aren’t you tired of thinking?_ Yes. Yes she was very tired of thinking.

She loved people, but maybe she was done being in love. She had friends and she had her patchwork family that she would care for, but she wasn’t going to fall in love anymore. It was simple. Lock the door and throw away the key. She didn’t want that level of love anymore in her life. Matt’s death had stomped on that feeling and Bucky’s leaving and his words had turned wanting that feeling into ash. Being in love didn’t work for her at all and maybe it never would.

Alison didn’t hate Bucky, at least he had been honest with her. It would take time, but with enough time maybe she could be not so in love with him. Like with Matt, it was good while it lasted and now it was done and she needed to let go. If and when he came back, maybe she could help him. _What if he decides that he’s still really in love with you and comes back?_ She would cross that bridge when it was time. _Did he consider that you might not love him anymore?_

“Why do you look so sad? Young girls shouldn’t look so sad on such a nice day,” said a male voice in Spanish. Alison spotted a very old man sitting on the ground and fiddling with an old guitar. Normally such a sexist, ‘now smile’ comment would have her rolling her eyes, but something about his tone told her he was concerned. It was impossible to tell how old he was, but his fingers were crooked and had the look of someone who had played for years. She hadn’t touched her drum or her guitar since Bucky had left.

“Just a really bad couple of days,” admitted Alison in Spanish.

        “The New Year is just around the corner. Maybe those bad days will go away then,” he said with a grin. Alison watched him as he finished tuning the guitar and he played the opening to ‘Hey Jude’ and she did smile lightly.

        “My parents named me after that song,” said Alison. His smile got even wider and he nodded at her.  

        “Ah your parents had good taste in music and in names. Stay awhile and I’ll play for you. Try to make the rest of your year a little better,” said the old man and Alison sat down next to him. What was the harm in sitting here a bit and listening to an old man play the Beatles? He played Hey Jude before fading out into Here Comes the Sun and then into I’ve Just Seen a Face. A few people dropped change and Euros into his empty case. His voice was a little off, but his guitar work was impressive.

        “Do you mind if I play for bit?” asked Alison. The old man handed his guitar over and Alison adjusted a few strings before going into Yesterday. She was barely aware of the crowd gathering and more money dropping into the case. Alison went to hand him his guitar back and he shook his head.

        “Do Hello Goodbye before you go. Hello to the New Year, Goodbye to the old one. It will be good for you,” said the old man smiling. Alison gave him a small smile before she started playing.

        _You say yes, I say no_

        _You say stop, and I say go, go, go, oh no_

        _You say goodbye and I say hello._

        _Hello, Hello._

        _I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello._

        _Hello, Hello_

        _I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello._

        _Hasn’t that been so much of your life? Saying goodbye? You think you would be use to it by now,_ thought Alison as she played. She finished and there was clapping and she shook her head noticing the case had more money in it now.

        “Alison,” said a voice and she felt like a kid who was in for a scolding. She looked up and saw Steve standing over her. Alison fished out what was left of her Euros, a little over two thousand and she handed the money and the guitar over.

        “It was nice to say hello for a bit,” said Alison before she followed Steve. The old man shook his head and stared after the girl. She clearly need a smile and he hoped she would get one again.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

        He might be almost hundred years old, but at times he still felt like the clueless boy from Brooklyn. Right now walking next to Alison who looked slightly beat down he felt a bit like that clueless boy. They didn’t say anything for miles and when she did speak up she sounded drained.

        “He was here, but I lost him. He doesn’t want to come home,” said Alison. She wasn’t being completely honest and Steve wondered what had happened while she was here. The rage he felt died down on the flight. She had stupid and reckless, than again he had done his own fair share of stupid and reckless things for Bucky. It still hurt Steve that she hadn’t told him what she was doing.

        “Why didn’t you tell anyone what that you were coming here? We could have helped. I know you love him and I do too, but…” Alison shook her head.

        “I messed up and I had to make it right. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him. If I hadn’t let my feelings get the better of me....well no use crying over spilled milk,” said Alison trying to sound light and failing. She shoved her hands into her pockets and Steve could tell she was trying not to cry.

“He fell in love with you too. If anyone is to blame I guess you could blame me too. I hired you after all,” said Steve and Alison shook her head and looked away.

“You know we could play the blame game all day,” said Alison and Steve nodded. “I just needed to try. It was a stupid long shot. Besides, I’m really not the person he fell in love with anymore,” said Alison and Steve gave her a good long look.

“He fell in a love with a smart, funny and kind woman. I’m pretty sure you’re still all those things,” said Steve and Alison shook her head.

“I killed four people. I stabbed someone in their neck, I crushed a guy skull’s open and I shot two people. I couldn’t get the last guy out of the way though. He was the one who gave Bucky the orders. He made Bucky hurt me and I almost couldn’t snap him out of it. He was going to make Bucky watch when he,” Alison cut herself off and Steve didn’t have to guess that hard about what could of happened to her. She hadn’t mentioned that during her debriefing and Steve couldn’t blame her

“He’s the one Bucky killed,” said Steve and Alison nodded.

“I'm sure that messed him up too,” said Alison.

“He did it for the same reason you did what you did. You had to save each other.,” said Steve. Alison nodded, but Steve had a feeling what happened in South America was going to take time for both of them some time to get through. _If you had stayed Buck, you could have helped each other get through this,_ thought Steve

“I also feel really different since coming back. I am different and it’s not bad in some ways and in others ways I still don’t know what to make of it,” said Alison. They sat down together and Steve thought carefully.

“Sometimes I forget what it was like before I enlisted. Before I enlisted I didn’t think I could kill anyone. When I got to Europe and started fighting Hydra, they were people who wanted to kill me and anyone who stood in their way so it wasn’t so bad when they died in battle. I signed up for the battle though and it’s what I told myself to get through it,” said Steve.

“I’m used to death. I’m not used to being the cause. I didn’t see another way out though and I would it again. I guess that’s what freaks me out the most. Knowing that I could and would do it again,” said Alison.

“I would be worried if it didn’t freak you out. If you could have found another way that would have spared them you would have taken it even though they would have killed you and might have used Bucky to do it. That’s who you are and who Bucky fell in love with,” said Steve. “Do you mind me asking what else is making you feel different?” asked Steve.

“I don’t feel so anxious anymore. It’s like most of the nagging voices are gone. Most of them anyway and even than I can shut them out to do stuff. I couldn’t shut them out after the accident at all. Everything seems really freaking easy now. I can read a chapter in a textbook and recall the whole thing without taking notes. I mean word for word recall of the whole thing. I can look at anything and I can recall it perfectly now. I memorized all the names of the boats docked here and their captains in ten minutes two weeks ago,” said Alison.

“On top getting top scores with the exams too. That is impressive,” said Steve trying to tease her and getting a hint of smile.

“I was used to the little nagging voice. She was messy, but she was a part of who I was. We sort of got used to each other,” said Alison.

“Sometimes it feels like I don’t belong in this body,” said Steve and Alison looked stunned. “I knew Project Rebirth was going to change me, but for twenty some years I lived in that body and I knew it. I imagine that’s what it’s like in your mind right now. It does get easier,” admitted Steve.

“I am grateful that you agreed to save me, don’t think I’m not. It’s just going to take time to adjust. I also got some of that being freaky strong side effect. I was able to bench press about three hundred pounds the other day and I wasn’t even trying,” said Alison.

“The serum makes the good in you even greater. I should have known you would try to go after him. You love him, maybe even more now than you did before,” said Steve. Alison stood up and looked at him.

“I don’t know where we go from here. He doesn’t want to come home and he thinks that leaving is the best thing he could do for me and well for everyone. Honestly though, I’m very tired of saying goodbye to people. That doesn’t get easier,” said Alison.

“I know,” said Steve who had said goodbye to far too many people in his life too. “We’ll keep looking though and when we find him we’ll drag him back if we have too,” said Steve. If Steve had caught up with him, he would have knocked him out and forced Bucky to come home. He deserved to come home and at least have a chance to be happy again. This disappearing act was some form of self punishment for something that wasn’t his fault.

“Come on. Let’s go home,” said Steve. He put an arm around Alison and they started walking towards where Steve parked a QuinJet.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


“Steve found her,” said Natasha and Bruce looked up from whatever he was tinkering with.

“But not Bucky?” asked Bruce and Natasha sat down at the lab table.

“Alison said the trail went cold,” said Natasha and something in her tone gave Bruce pause.

“You think she’s lying?” asked Bruce.

“I think she is and she isn’t,” said Natasha and Bruce scoffed.

“I love that double agent logic of yours,” said Bruce and Natasha shrugged.

“I don’t think she found exactly what she was looking for, but she found enough to give her some things to think about,” said Natasha.

“He does love her you know. This isn’t easy for him either and it’s for best that she didn’t find him,” said Bruce.

“I thought about going after you, but it wouldn’t have been for the same noble reason that she went after Barnes,” said Natasha and Bruce laughed a little.

“I imagine you had some choice words lined up,” said Bruce and Natasha grinned.

“In at least seven different languages,” said Natasha easily.

“So did they turn out like us?” asked Bruce.

“Yes and no. They didn’t dance everything the way we did and just because he walked away doesn’t mean it’s over. She’s gonna need time to accept that she’s pissed off at him and he’s gonna need time to see she needed him as much as he needed her,” said Natasha. “When he does come back he’s going to have to find own choice words to get her back,” said Natasha.

Bruce looked at Natasha and tried to gather his thoughts when they both heard several crashes of thunder and then the lab was filled with light. When their eyes adjusted they saw the shape of Thor standing in the lab.

“I need you to come with me now!” said Thor and he grabbed Bruce’s arm.

“What a minute,” protested Bruce.

“There is no time,” said Thor and before Natasha could say anything there was more thunder and light. When her eyes adjusted Bruce and Thor were gone and Thor had made a spectacular  mess in the lab.

“Goddamn Asgardians!” snapped Natasha and she went to radio Steve. _You couldn’t have waited another few minutes,_ thought Natasha.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


When they got back to HQ, Natasha and Sam were waiting for them in the hanger. Alison noticed they both looked annoyed for different reasons. Steve followed Natasha down the hall as she gave a report about Thor’s recent coming and going. Alison looked up at Sam and tried to keep a straight face. Alison knew she had freaked him out and she could only imagine how worried he must have been.

“I’m sorry,” said Alison.

“You scared the shit out of me,” said Sam harshly.

“It was stupid and not one of my best ideas,” said Alison. She was so tempted to tell Sam at the very least that she had found Bucky, but she gave her word that she wouldn’t. Besides he made it clear that he had no desire to come back. What could they do to keep him here that didn’t involve locking him up? He made a choice. Something she had wanted him to do since he had so many choices taken away from him. It still hurt though and Alison wasn’t sure if she would ever really understand why he chose to be apart.

“I know how much you love him and this has to suck for you and,” Alison cut Sam off by giving him a tight hug. Sam hugged her back just as tight and sighed.

“You just need to stop scaring me alright,” said Sam. Alison let out a nervous laugh before pulling away.

“For the New Year my goal will be to not scare you so much,” said  Alison. Sam looked down and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead.

“I know your heart was in the right place. He thinks he’s doing right by you with this vanishing act. You know what he’s trying to work through and he just needs time to see things the right way,” said Sam and Alison nodded while swallowing a lump in her throat.

“It’s just hard,” said Alison and Sam hugged her again. The tears that she had held back since she came back finally broke free. “I just miss him,” said Alison.

“I know,” said Sam.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Sam talked her in taking a nap and considering jet lag and more than a few sleepless nights it made sense to zone out for a bit. When she came to it was almost midnight. Wanda must be back and brought Bailey to her. The dog was curled up at the foot of the bed dozing. Alison reached out and rubbed the dog’s ears. Bailey sprang awake and pounced on Alison while barking happily.

“I missed you too girl,” said Alison. Alison decided to head down to the common room to celebrate New Year’s Eve with her makeshift family. She wondered where Bucky was now and if he was safe and alright. _Just be safe,_ thought Alison. With Bailey on her heels, Alison went downstairs and saw Steve, Tony, Natasha, Sam, Wanda, Vision, Maria and David lounging around half watching the New Year’s Countdown and talking about why Thor wanted Bruce.

“Maybe the broke the Rainbow Bridge again,” muttered Natasha and Alison was a bit stunned to see Natasha was drunk. Really drunk.

“Next time Thor pops in we’re going to talk about this lack of communication between realms. It really pisses me off,” said Tony. David sat down next to her and handed over a plate of sushi and sashimi.

“Eat,” ordered David and Alison popped a piece of sashimi into her mouth and David took a piece off her plate and popped it into his mouth.

“Mmm. I don’t think I had the tuna yet,” said David and he took another piece off her plate. “So how would you feel about running some tests on yourself in the next few weeks? Just to see how your body is adjusting to the serum,” said David quickly. Alison took a piece of the tuna roll and was about to eat it when David started coughing and then he started screaming and Alison let out her own scream of shock and panic. It looked like a his body was being covered with some sort of rock.

“What the hell?” cried Steve. Alison when to take David’s hand when Sam pulled her away. It was only seconds and David’s whole body was covered in the rock like skin.

“The tuna. Did anyone else eat the tuna roll,” cried Alison trying to stay calm. It had been the last thing she had seen David touch and eat. _What the hell is going on?_ thought Alison

“We did about ten minutes ago,” said Maria and she pointed at Wanda who looked horrified.

“Go see if you can throw it up and get to the med center,” said Alison. Maria grabbed Wanda and they went upstairs.

“I’ll watch them,” said Vision and he also looked very confused.

“I had some over an hour ago and I feel fine,” said Sam.

“Than you get upstairs too and drink some salt water,” said Alison. “It might affect people differently and,” Alison stopped herself when she saw the rock skin cracking around David. A few moments later the rock skin came off and David sat there looking dazed and confused.  

“What the hell just happened to me?” asked David.

It would take Alison and David weeks to really understand what had happened to him. He wasn’t the only one who had this happen though based on news reports and stories they found online. Even those seemed spotty and filled with half truths since the side effects seemed different for everyone and what caused it varied too. It seemed to be fish though, fish oil tablets and seafood seemed to be a key factor. They didn’t want to risk David being taken away, so other than the people who saw what happened no one else knew. What was certain though was David’s skin was now unbreakable. Needles, scalpels, knives, nothing broke through now.

On top of trying to help David figure out what had happened to him, Alison simply threw herself into working on anything she could. She took her classes, trained with Natasha, she now had two new patients to work with for her clinic hours. She started logging her own experiments and tests on herself to see how the serum had changed her. She went running with Sam and Steve in the mornings and spent weekends helping Sophia and Renee with wedding plans. Tony had stunned her by asking for input on a project he was calling BARF. She sat aside time to start playing drums again. The guitar Matt had given her and the one she had gotten for Bucky sat untouched in a corner of her room. Alison crammed almost every second of her waking hours with something to work on.

It was when she stopped that Bucky came into her thoughts. _Where are you? Are you safe? Why don’t you come back?_ They slide into her mind easily and without pause. Alison sighed and twisted the dog tags. Her father’s and Bucky’s. She hadn’t thought to ask her father’s tag back. Like her father he had simply walked away and when she really thought about it the nagging questions that hung her over her childhood came back. _Do you miss me at all?_ _Do you really care about me at all? Was this all my fault somehow?_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Bucky got on a bus heading for France. He took a seat near the back and watched as the landscape changed and day slowly faded to night. The ring was now on his chain with the dog tags. It was now his only link to his mother and his sister. _Your mother would have liked her. She’s a good girl,_ thought Bucky looking at the ring. It was too small for Alison’s fingers. _Her fingers in his hair and brushing it back behind his ears._

“I can’t go back now,” whispered Bucky. He heard the bus driver get on the PA and announce that they would stop in some town for a rest break and to watch the New Year come in. Bucky looked at couples and families on the bus laughing and joking and he decided to find another bus or start walking once they crossed the French border. _Into Germany and where do I go from there?_ thought Bucky. It was another hour of people’s excited chatter before the bus stopped near a small cafe. Bucky got off, adjusted the backpack and started walking. He couldn’t be on that bus any longer. They were close enough to France anyway. He walked for hours not really caring where he was going.

Hadn’t it been this way last year for him? Bucky was sure he had been alone somewhere near Missouri and sleeping in cabin. It had been snowing and he hated it. He started a small fire and curled up next to it has memories slammed into his head. _Becca saying she couldn’t sleep and curling up in his bed. Steve hacking cough and trying to find another blanket to keep him warm. Trying to stay warm while unloading another boat. Freezing in his cell in Italy._ God he was tired of being cold.

 _You got used to being cold. It was the warmth you couldn’t handle._ Bucky hated to agree with the little nagging voice in his head, but it was right. He had been brought in from the cold by Steve and Alison. They were the warmth he had been missing for so long and it was too much. It burned him and he had to put it out. _What about them? Aren’t you worried this might smother that warmth?_

Bucky was a little worried about what this was doing to Steve. Steve was and always would be a stupid punk who wouldn’t let him go. He was a little surprised that Alison had managed to shake Steve off to find him. Was Steve on his trail now? Bucky didn’t think so and kept walking. If and when Steve found him it wouldn’t be good for either one of them. Bucky could just feel it in his gut. He didn’t want to hurt Steve, but he needed his space now.

It was Alison that hung on his thoughts and in his dreams. _She wouldn’t have acted if you hadn’t made the first move. You kissed her first and she was ready to leave when she thought she was hurting you. You should have just let her go right than and there. Why did you think you deserved her? You made her different and you hurt her._

Bucky drifted through France and into Germany unaware and caught a bus going to Romania. He couldn’t ever remember being here and why would anyone look for him here? He got a small apartment in a run down building and traded labor for rent. He didn’t think so much about her or Steve when he worked and it was a small bit of peace. He still wrote in his journals and when he found a small postcard of Steve in his Captain America uniform it went into his journal. He wished though he had a picture of Alison. Sometimes he could see her so clearly in his mind. He didn’t hear her voice that much anymore and somehow that hurt.

The winter came and went one day Bucky saw the faint hint of spring sun peaking through the windows he had covered with newspaper. Bucky got up and did the normal rounds of making sure the boiler was dumped, the water pressure was right and the rat traps were emptied. After he was done Bucky decided to go out for a walk. It was the first week of April and it hit him that almost a year ago he decided to go back to New York. He had caught a train and started coming back. _Going home. I was going home,_ thought Bucky.  

There was a small open air market and Bucky wandered through it. There was a man selling flowers and Bucky frowned a bit. He had never bought Alison flowers. He didn’t know what kind she liked. _I bet she found someone who buys her flowers now._ Bucky went to buy some apples when he saw a woman in a brown sweater with long brown hair walked by. He went grab her arm and she pulled and looked at him confused. She was younger than Alison and her brown eyes flashed worry.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else,” said Bucky and she hurried away quickly. Bucky bought his apples and started heading back to the apartment. He still didn’t call it home in his mind. There was a small stand with plums and gave him pause. The woman was old and blond. She gave him a smile and nodded at plums.

“They are a little hard yet, but should be ready in a few days,” said the old woman.

“I’ll take three please,” said Bucky. She bagged them and wished him a good day. He nodded and headed back to the apartment. He sat the fruit on the table and went to his journal.

 _Alison had messy handwriting and I liked it when she wore her hair down. She had a soap that smelled like plums._ He sat the journal aside and took the sweater out of the backpack. He hadn’t taken it out in months and her scent was almost gone. The little throw away phone was still in his backpack _. You could call home. You could see her again._ He stared at phone for a long time and wondered what going home would be like this time. _At least this time you know people are waiting for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to take a break for a bit. I don't think my Civil War follow up will be this long. We'll see though. I hoped people enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to sailtheplains for being the most awesome beta reader.


End file.
